Category: Weird

#oneaday, Day 25: Read This Post, It's Shit

I started using some new toothpaste last night. It's called "Corsodyl Daily", and the best way to describe its taste would be to invite you to imagine that a cat had drunk an aromatherapy shop dry and then vomited copiously directly into your mouth whilst you were plucking up the courage to swallow the gob of spunk that had inexplicably appeared inside your oral cavity without, to your knowledge, anyone's genitalia having been anywhere near your face.

Sorry. But it really is fucking disgusting. The thing is, though, Corsodyl are well aware that it tastes like some sort of hideous combination of essential massage oils, vomit and sperm, and they pretty much warn you of this on the back of the tube.

"It contains a special combination of plant extracts and mineral salt," it says, "so you may find it takes a few weeks to get used to the unique taste and sensation." I will resist the opportunity to make any obvious jokes at this juncture but I can think of at least one of you readers who are providing said joke for yourself right now. I can read your mind.

It doesn't stop there, though. "Special combination" and "unique taste and sensation" sound quite positive, don't they? Let's not beat around the bush here, Corsodyl. You'd like everyone to know that your toothpaste tastes vile. So why not depict it with a handy graph—oh, you have.

Yes, that handly line graph you're seeing right there (ignore the man behind the curtain toothpaste tube) is indeed a "product satisfaction over time" graph with no scale showing that early in your relationship with Corsodyl Daily, it will make you sadface, whereas an undisclosed amount of time down the road, you will be happyface as a direct result of using it. You'll notice how the graph appears to operate in three dimensions, however, with the line of predicted satisfaction stretching off into the distance, leading me to wonder what the Z-axis represents. Amount of kittens you have allowed to vomit into your gullet? Number of oral sex "giving" sessions you've had? Quantity of pure essential oils consumed over the entire time period of you using the toothpaste?

Whatever. They have apparently proven that vomity-spunky-aromatherapypaste is worth persisting with, because they've proven it with SCIENCE! or possibly MATH!(S!)

The "buy this, it's shit" approach appears to be gathering some momentum. I received a press release from an iPhone developer this morning chastising a large proportion of players for giving their game Crap of Defense the "highest rating for playability". This in humorously broken English, too, which makes the whole thing even more enjoyable. I quote:

"We, the ifun4all team, have to communicate something very important. It is a violation of respect for us that all peples treat us like this. Our team will no longer tolerate such abuse of our game "Crap of Defense." A large part of the population of players should be fined or even a public flogging as we do in our village. "Crap of Defense" was to be the worst game in the world, unfortunately, no one want to listen and then get the highest rating for playability. Enough of this. Our children will live with this stigma. Laszlo met a very nice girl, the daughter of a local merchant of birch syrup. The girl did not have one leg but friends says that they will have beautiful children. We decided to take the game out of the market. Hungary will win again."

And then, of course, there's the famous advertising campaign for Marmite, which proudly states up front that you might hate it. Ballsy. But apparently it works.

In fact, it's the advertising equivalent of that arsehole at the bar who wanders up to the prettiest girl in the place, calls her a cunt and knocks her drink over and ends up shagging her for all eternity. In space. Surrounded by money. And more pretty girls.

I hate that guy.

#oneaday, Day 21: Fun Games to Play With a Microwave

It's important to have some basic survival strategies in mind for every situation you may potentially find yourself in as part of daily life. And I'm not talking about those "just in case there's a nuclear war and/or zombies" survival situations; I'm talking about those everyday situations which are statistically rather more likely to happen in your own lifetime, however stupid they might be.

For example, plausibly at some point in your life you may find yourself locked in a kitchen. Most people typically don't have locks on their kitchen doors, but you never know; you might find yourself in the one house that does lock their kitchen doors (perhaps they're trying to give up the midnight snacking or something) or indeed the kitchen of a fancy restaurant or hotel.

So picture the scene: disaster has struck. You, and possibly a few companions, have found yourself stuck in a kitchen. You can't get the door open, and everyone outside who could have plausibly let you out of said kitchen has now left the immediate area/building to go and have sex and/or watch television.

You're not left wanting for food—bitch, you be in a kitchen, yo—but you are somewhat starved of entertainment. It's at this point that you—yes, you—can be the resourceful member of the group who teaches your companions how to have fun using only a microwave and some other utensils which are readily available in your average kitchen. Imagine what fun you'll have while you wait to be rescued!

Bomb Disposal

Oh no! There's a bomb in the kitchen! And it looks suspiciously like a microwave! What are you going to do? Defuse it, that's what, and you're going to do it in a cool way like in the movies.

You will need:
A microwave
Something to microwave that won't explode or catch fire (frozen chips are ideal)
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)

Players: 3-the number of people you can physically fit in the kitchen.

Objective: To be the coolest bomb disposal technician on the Force.

Danger rating: Minimal

How to play:

One player is the Terrorist. They set the microwave to whatever time they like while one player, who is the Bomb Disposal Expert, faces in the other direction.

The Terrorist shouts "You have [amount of time microwave was set to] to save the world, asshole!" and then starts microwaving something. The Bomb Disposal Expert must remain facing in the other direction, and turn round in order to bash the "Stop" button on the microwave before the timer reaches zero. If the timer reaches zero, the current player is eliminated and must eat something raw that is usually cooked (frozen chips are ideal).

Once all non-Terrorist players have had a go, the person who stopped the timer closest to 0:01 wins a point. Give them something to celebrate their victory with (frozen chips are ideal). Repeat until bored, or you run out of microwaveable foodstuffs.

In case of a tie, resort to a frying-pan fight.

The Great Exploding Fruit Race!

It's Race Day in the kitchen, but you're not watching cockroaches scurry along crudely-designed courses marked out by baked beans! No! You're going to make fruit explode!

You will need:
A microwave
Several different types of fruit
Something to write on and with (if no pens or paper are available, use a bottle of tomato ketchup or seafood sauce to write on walls/floor)
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)

Players: 1-a bajillion

Objective: To correctly bet how long it will take before the fruit you place in the microwave explodes.

Danger Rating: Moderate

How to play:

One player chooses a piece of fruit. Everyone  writes down how long they think it will be before the fruit explodes. The fruit is microwaved until it explodes. The person nearest the correct answer wins a point. Repeat until you run out of fruit, you get bored, or your microwave explodes.

The Great Supper-Time Race!

It's another Race Day in the kitchen, but this time it's all about using your mad chef skills to beat the microwave at its own game! Except microwaves aren't very good at making sandwiches, making you inherently better, so they have something more up their alley (Making Things Unevenly Hot) to do!

You will need:
A microwave
Sandwich ingredients (bread, butter and mutually-agreed fillings)
Some milk
A microwaveable cup

Players: 1-as many as you bloody well want

Objective: To successfully make a delicious sandwich before the microwave finishes warming a cup of milk.

Danger rating: Minimal

How to play:

Fill the cup with milk. Set the microwave for however long it normally takes to warm the milk without exploding—we're not playing the bomb game any more. Two minutes is a good bet for average home microwaves. If you're using a high-power industrial microwave from a restaurant, this game is much more difficult. Then put the cup of milk in the microwave and start it.

Now you must make a complete and structurally-sound sandwich before the milk is finished warming. If you fail to achieve this, all the other players are allowed to call you a "bell-end" six times a day until the end of the week, even if you're in front of your parents.

In case of ties, all participants must then eat their milk and drink their sandwich as quickly as possible. Wait, what?

You Got Balls, Kid, I Like That

This is the most extreme game you can play with a microwave that doesn't involve putting yourself inside it, and since most microwaves are not big enough to fit average-sized drunk humans (because let's face it, if you're locked in a kitchen, you're probably drunk) that isn't an option right now. This game may still result in your death and/or arson charges.

You will need:
A microwave
A selection of metal objects
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)
Balls of steel/equivalent ladyparts

Players: 1 (if suicidal)-many (mass suicide pact)

Objective: To be the bravest person in the group without killing everyone and/or burning down the kitchen you are locked in.

Danger Rating: If You Play This One For Real, You're An Idiot And Deserve Everything You Get

How to play:

One player chooses a metal object and places it in the microwave. They then turn on the microwave and watch the pretty blue lightning. They must then stop the microwave as soon as they get scared something might be about to catch fire, explode and/or kill them.

The next player then steps up and does the same, until all players have had a go. The player who held on the longest without killing anyone is the winner of that round and gets a point. Repeat until you realise what a stupid idea this game is, and resort to chef's knife swordfighting instead.

If anyone dies during this game, everyone loses.

I hope you enjoy these games. I am not responsible for any deaths that occur as a result of playing You Got Balls, Kid, I Like That.

#oneaday, Day 318: One Day in Gameland

In discussing Deadly… I mean DEADLY PREMONITION with a couple of others recently, we came to the conclusion that the universe of games has such a distinct logic, such a distinct culture, that you could probably write an entire treatise on the culture, physics, metaphysics and theology of Game-Land.

I will settle for one blog post.

  • When you wake up in the morning, any and all injuries, however serious, will be completely healed, unless you make your home in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in which case you will either need to give yourself an injection in the affected limb or visit a doctor, who will be able to heal absolutely any injury and make you completely intact within a matter of minutes.
  • If there is food on a shelf, pick it up. No-one but you needs to eat.
  • By extension, eating food also heals injuries, unless you're in Greenvale.
  • If you're in Greenvale, no-one gives you a second glance if you're standing in the middle of the road chugging back a can of Hollandaise sauce followed by wolfing down a turkey sandwich which cost $75.
  • People only open doors if they absolutely have to and frequently just walk through them instead. This includes you. If you were planning on going outside, open the door, wait for 30 seconds, then step outside. Otherwise there will be nothing to walk into and you'll simply fall into the void, never to be heard from again.
  • You can survive approximately 1.5 point-blank shotgun blasts directly to your face without permanent disfigurement.
  • In fact, you can survive any injury without permanent disfigurement.
  • If something "really important" is about to happen, no-one will mind if you do something else—anything between popping out to shop for some groceries to going on holiday to the other side of the world. The "really important thing" will still be "about to happen" when you get back. Enjoy yourself for a while.
  • After completing a repetitive task such as stuffing envelopes or chopping onions, you will notice yourself getting noticeably better at said task at increasingly-longer but predictable intervals.
  • Chop 200 onions in a row without hurting yourself for a special prize!
  • Sometimes when you talk to people you will have to read something they've written on a piece of semi-transparent plastic while they flail their arms around like a Thunderbird.
  • Occasionally, people will sound like they are speaking Japanese at you, but the semi-transparent piece of plastic will have English writing on it.
  • All shops you visit will sell exactly four items in an extremely niche category, but will purchase anything you have in your pockets/backpack/suitcase/on the back of your pack mule.
  • On that note, you will own a backpack which is capable of holding twenty suits of armour, four hundred weapons of different varieties and up to 99 bottles of each and every liquid you find. This backpack is invisible.
  • You will never, ever need to go to the toilet, even if you have drunk all 99 bottles of one particular liquid, unless 1) you feel like you are being forced by a giant green diamond above your head to do things in your own home that you probably would have done anyway, 2) your son has been kidnapped or 3) you know, or are about to come into contact with, someone whose son has been kidnapped.
  • Anything red will heal all your injuries if you imbibe it somehow.
  • Anything blue will make you less tired if you imbibe it somehow.
  • People with long white hair are always evil, even if they seem to be quite nice chaps.
  • People with short white hair are often sullen, but good people.
  • People with spiky hair or who are bald are probably on the way to save the world, especially if they are carrying a sword and/or a gun. Be nice to them.
  • Be careful when stacking shelves: lining up three or more of the same thing in a row always causes them to disappear. Stack tins of soup in a checkerboard pattern to prevent this from happening.
  • Pick up every flower, bird feather, human-looking bone or flag that you see: there will be someone somewhere in your neighbourhood who will give you "something good" if you bring them enough.
  • Having a conversation with someone doesn't require any actual interaction on your part. Just bump into them and they'll tell you something about the nearby caves, forest and/or the local big corporation.
  • Talking to yourself is absolutely fine. You may either do this by voicing your internal monologue, especially when looking closely at inanimate objects, or keeping a semi-transparent piece of plastic and a marker pen in your invisible backpack at all times.

Sounds like a simple life, doesn't it? Ah, if only we could apply game logic to the real world sometimes…

#oneaday, Day 311: Monstrosities of the Indie Marketplace

As I have mentioned once or twice previously, the Xbox LIVE Indie Games Marketplace is a veritable treasure-trove of unappreciated hidden gems of gaming.

It's also an uncleaned litter tray of some of the worst fecal matter you'll ever have the misfortune to play. Still, all credit to those developers for actually finishing a project and getting out there for the public to at least try out. And if they sell just one "pity copy", then they can call themselves a professional game developer.

Even if their game is one of the following, which I have exhaustively researched (well, played the trials of) in order to bring you today's blog post, featuring the very worst the Indie Marketplace has to offer.

Well, perhaps not the very worst. I was highly scientific in the games I chose: I picked the ones with the ugliest or cheesiest cover art on the marketplace or, in one case, the most hilarious title. And here are my results.

Spring Break in Zombie USA

This game promises "action" and "driving". In practice, it's a twin-stick shooter where you have to press a fire button as well as move the right-stick, and occasionally you jump into a car and drive up a vertically-scrolling road that is completely straight with no obstacles on it whatsoever.

The concept is that you are racing down to Spring Break to rescue your sister, who has, as these things tend to go, got stuck in a zombie apocalypse. It's up to you, as either a long-haired rocker dude or a pimped-out black guy with a bitchin' hat (presumably it's an adoptive sister to one or both of them) to shoot lots of MS Paint zombies that take entirely too many bullets to take down and move too fast for you to be able to escape or kill them before they "get" you.

Oh well. At least the soundtrack is actually reasonably good, at least on the title screen.

Pie Collect

The title of this one is extremely literal. You play a small orb known as a "sweeper", whose job it is to collect pies, which are inexplicably floating in space. Collecting a pie releases an evil orb, which moves back and forth or up and down across the screen. There are a few powerups, but you only have one life.

It has a certain Crystal Quest-esque charm about it, but any challenge in the game is entirely negated by the "safe zone" at the bottom of the screen, represented by a picnic blanked that is also inexplicably floating in space, and allows you to safely navigate around all the orbs, putting you at minimal risk.

A Game you can't BEAT!!

Erratic capitalisation is as the game represents itself on the Marketplace. This is essentially one of those Impossible Game-style things where you control some sort of inanimate object/shape and have to jump and not die. In this case, you control one of three different balls, and there is a simultaneous two-player mode.

It's extremely difficult but there is little to no incentive to try again, though there are a few quasi-Achievement medals to chase in the full version. But when the "Easy course" repeatedly kills you after approximately eight seconds every time, that's just taking difficulty a little too far.

Valet Parking, Inc.

This one wins the "cheesiest artwork" award, with a girl in a "sexy parking attendant" costume on the cover art who clearly has nothing to do with the game whatsoever beside a rough association with the theme of the game, which is parking cars.

It's actually a moderately-interesting idea for a game. Cars show up, you park them wherever you like, keep an eye on the clock and give them back to appropriately-coloured customers when they return. You also have "hunger" and "stamina" meters that gradually deplete as you run around and spend time doing your job, so you have to take a break every so often.

Trouble is, the cars handle really weirdly. They seem to rotate around their back wheels, which makes controlling them somewhat troublesome. They also have a weird acceleration curve that goes "slow… slow… slow… SUDDENLY FAST"

The graphics are entertainingly mid-90s pre-rendered, too. And the in-game clock can't handle times that have "00" as the minutes value, so the clock moves from "12:59" straight to "13:01", for example.

Still, with a bit of polish this could actually be a moderately fun "time management" game. You can tell it's the best by the fact I've written more than two paragraphs on it.

Super Janitoroid

Obviously intended to be some sort of Super Metroid spoof, this game stars an Aussie janitor represented by a crudely-drawn body with a digitised head atop it. He is armed with a badly-drawn mop which can attack horizontally and vertically, and there's a large map to explore in a Metroid stylee.

It also has one of the most horrendously awful frame rates I've ever seen on an Xbox 360 game, which makes your eyes go squiffy after a while. Assuming they haven't already gone squiffy from the bizarre graphics.

Techno Kitten Adventure

Save the best for last. Techno Kitten Adventure is a single-button game in which you control a kitten with a jetpack as it attempts to fly around a series of box-shaped obstacles.

The twist with this game is the horrendously awful Euro-dance soundtrack which is annoyingly catchy. This fact is made even worse by the titter-inducing fact that the background animates according to the lyrics of the song, featuring rainbows flowing past, falling stars, throbbing techno laser light shows and lots and lots of flashing lights.

This game is worth playing purely to see its hilarious "interactive music video" nature. Thankfully, you don't actually have to play it, as the song and background animation continue even while you're waiting at the "press A to start" screen, meaning you can watch the whole thing without having to purchase the game. Which is probably for the best.

—

So there you go. I've played those games so you don't have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices that I've made for you. And you really should play Techno Kitten Adventure to appreciate its horrendous…ness.

I'm trying not to be too harsh on these games, though. Because the thing is, I couldn't make something half as good as Techno Kitten Adventure. I wouldn't know where to start with programming for the 360. So, as bizarre and, in some cases, awful as these games are, you should at least give the developers some props for getting out there, trying to make something and having the guts to release it to the world so people like me can rip them to shreds on blogs they'll never read.

So fair play, guys. I'm sure it's all good practice.

#oneaday, Day 298: Did You Hear The One About The [REDACTED] And The #TwitterJokeTrial?

If the name Paul Chambers doesn't mean anything to you at the moment, then take a moment to read this summary of the day's proceedings, courtesy of The Guardian.

The TL;DR version (God, I hate that phrase and wish it, and everyone who uses it unironically, would die in a f… would, err, live a long and happy life filled with kittens and/or puppies, whichever they preferred, really, because it's up to them how they live their lives and I love them, whatever they decide) is this: Chambers made an (arguably) ill-advised joke on Twitter about blowing Robin Hood Airport "sky high". It was a throwaway comment that got blown (pardon) out of all proportion and, thanks to some very, very silly people, has been treated as something roughly approaching a mid-level terrorist incident.

The conclusions of the judge today were that Chambers' original comment was "obviously menacing" and that any "ordinary person" would "be alarmed".

Funny, then, that Twitter itself has been full of bomb threats, incitements to violence, discussions of inflicting bodily harm on individuals, and no-one else (save Conservative councillor for Birmingham, Gareth Compton, who made some similarly ill-advised comments, got bollocked and then promptly released on bail) has been arrested for it.

The long and short of it, though, is that Chambers' appeal was unsuccessful, meaning he is now lumbered with a mounting legal bill and fine which—bless him—Stephen Fry has offered to pay, but members of the public have been generously donating to, also. (Find out how you can help too here).

Chambers has lost his job as a result of one silly comment on Twitter that clearly wasn't intended to be "menacing" in the slightest. What sort of incompetent terrorist hatches their plans via social media anyway? Everyone knows they still use cassettes and VHS tapes. But the fact stands; this poor chap has had his life pretty much destroyed as a result of an almost total abandonment of Common Sense.

I like to think of myself as a fairly ordinary person, and I certainly wasn't menaced by Chambers' tweet. I wasn't even aware of it until this whole legal fiasco started—but I follow plenty of people who make comments which could, according to Judge Jacqueline Davies, be interpreted as "menacing" and "alarming". Are they all going to be arrested now? Or was Chambers set up to be made an example of? Certainly if the authorities are intending prosecuting everyone who has made mock "bomb threats" on Twitter today, they'd better get started now, because it's going to take a good long while, and lots of courthouse space to get it all sorted.

Or perhaps they could, you know, focus on some actual crimes. Perhaps they could take some steps to deal with kids carrying knives, youth gangs, burglaries, assaults, murders, even fucking traffic incidents carry more weight than a ridiculous comment on Twitter.

Or even—here's a thought—they could invest some resources into tracking down actual, genuine terrorists and foiling their plots before they happen. But perhaps that's too difficult, and it's much easier to make a scapegoat of a poor fella who was simply excited to spend time with the love of his life, and was frustrated by the fact that the airport's closure was making that look more and more unlikely.

So, moral of the story, kids? Be careful what you say. Otherwise Big Broth—

[THE REMAINDER OF THIS BLOG POST HAS BEEN REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND. PLEASE DIRECT ALL ENQUIRIES TO ihaveno@commonsense.org.uk]

#oneaday, Day 248: All Change! Again

It's been a curious few days for some people and things that are very dear to me. First up, you may have read my impassioned mourning of the apparent loss of Good Old Games the other day. Turns out that, as some suspected all along, the site was simply coming out of beta and relaunching. Not only that, but awesome WRPG Baldur's Gate is coming to the site, with more to follow. This, hopefully, means that Planescape: Torment can't be far behind. Because the one loaning incident I regret more than anything else is loaning that game to someone and never getting it back. I'm not even sure I know who borrowed it. So if you have my copy of Planescape: Torment, please return it to me. Or at least buy me a copy on GOG if/when it appears.

So that was sad and became happy, although some are still ranting and raving about GOG's handling of the situation. Okay, it perhaps wasn't the best PR stunt ever (some blaming that famous Polish sense of humour) but it got people talking about GOG, and it turns out that what they were planning was actually awesome. This isn't the place for that debate, though.

The really bad news, though, is that the gaming site I've written daily news for and called home since March of this year, Kombo.com, is folding. This is terribly sad news as the team at Kombo are some truly talented people who worked their hardest to provide awesome content every day, whether it was opinionated twists on news coverage or original content.

Former Assistant Director of Reviews Matt Green sums the situation up over at his blog, so pay it a visit and feel free to offer commiserations either there or indeed here. I sincerely hope that everyone who was involved with Kombo lands on their feet and gets the awesome writing gig (with appropriately awesome pay) that they deserve. Note: This includes me. So if you know anywhere who needs an awesome writer who is also British (which apparently adds +1000 awesome points) then let me know. You can feel free to point them to this site—I have links to samples of my work on the menu bar above—or to http://pjedi.co.uk/links, which also has said links.

So, with that said, I think it's time for a little light relief. The Internet provides many means of light relief, not all of which are appropriate for public consumption. (Hey, what you look at in your own time is your business. You pervert.)

By far my favourite means of light relief that the Internet provides is cat, monkey and/or dog videos, however, so I shall now share a few of my favourites. Thanks in part to Alex Connolly and Chris Person for having a link war on my Facebook profile earlier.

May I firstly present to you, courtesy of Dave Gorman on Twitter, an elephant playing darts:

Followed by the charmingly literal "A Monkey Washing A Cat."

And then… er… this.

How about THIS?!

Andross's enemy is my enemy!

And finishing with indisputably the best cat video on the Internet.

I thank you. For those who have had a nightmarish, difficult or stressful few days, I sincerely hope the sight of the above has cheered you, if only slightly. May tomorrow be a better day.

#oneaday, Day 224: Patch Notes

Thank you for continuing to play Life. We are pleased to announce that Patch 2.0 is almost ready for release. It is currently awaiting approval from Apple, and we hope to have it available to all users very soon.

While you wait, here is a list of the exciting new features you can soon be enjoying from your Life experience.

Quick-Save. The most-requested feature is finally here! Are you about to get yourself into a situation which you're a little concerned about the outcome of? No matter! Simply press the Quick-Save button (assigned to your genitals by default) and, should things not go the way you intend, you can simply try again! Please note: there are certain situations when the Quick-Save command will be unavailable. Please ensure your brain has enough free space for the save data before using the Quick-Save function.

Difficulty Adjustment. Some users have commented that Life is too easy or too difficult for them. As such, we have added a difficulty slider to the main menu (accessible by closing your eyes for five seconds and then coughing). If life's getting you down a bit, simply drop back the difficulty slider for a while and enjoy increased fame and fortune for less effort. Similarly, if you're enjoying the trappings of wealth a little too much, simply bump up the difficulty slider to increase the number of scandals you'll encounter. Please note: Adjusting the difficulty slider will affect the experience points gained.

RealID. We've added a facility where once you know a person's name and have added them to your Friends List (assigned to that notebook in your dusty old chest of drawers by default) you will never forget their name ever again thanks to a handy pop-up over their head. You will also see all contact information they have made available and be able to track them via GPS. Please note: GPS tracking is not intended for use by stalkers. Misuse of this facility will be punishable by account suspension.

Common Sense. Long-time subscribers will receive an exclusive "Common Sense" special ability. When entering a situation which is potentially dangerous, illegal and/or stupid, a large red flashing sign will appear saying "STOP IT". It will continue to flash until the user removes themself from the situation in question. Please note: the "Common Sense" ability will not be automatically available to anyone who has been a subscriber for less than 25 years. They are, however, able to obtain it via questing.

Chat Filters. Another oft-requested feature, the Chat Filter facility will allow users to filter out any or all of the following depending on their own personal preferences: Profanity, blasphemy, religious fanaticism, racism, homophobia, tolerance, sexism, corporate jargon and foreign languages. These phrases can either be muted or automatically replaced via a seamless automatic translation algorithm. For example, when the corporate jargon filter is activated, the sentence "Let's table this then bluesky and run it up the flagpole for mind-showering purposes whilst leveraging our monetization strategies in the name of excellence" is replaced by "BULLSHIT".

Item Rebalancing. Coffee now restores twice as many MP. Brussels Sprouts still cause flatulence and nausea, but no longer restore any HP, thereby making them more of a novelty item than an unpleasant healing item. HP Sauce now works as intended by fully restoring HP upon consumption of an entire bottle. Kit-Kat Chunky may no longer be equipped as a weapon. Jaffa Cakes now add the Happiness effect, which stacks up to ten times.

New Dungeon. Haunted by the past? Jump into the new Personal Demons solo dungeon and fight against your worst fears. The new dungeon is only accessible at night and features our toughest boss encounters yet! Please note: Players are not able to take party or raid members into the Personal Demons dungeon.

Adjustable Day Length. Not enough time to complete all your Daily Quests? Simply pop into the Main Menu and extend the day by up to 48 hours.

Graphical Enhancements. A new "Tango" slider enables users blinded by the bright orangeness of those making use of the Fake Tan item to tone down this effect.

Social Networking. Now you can share everything you do via both Facebook and Twitter completely automatically. No longer will players need to make use of "Computer" or "Phone" items in order to inform other users that they are going to the toilet or having lunch. Please note: No responsibility will be accepted for quests failed due to inadvertent tweets/Facebook updates from places/people you are not supposed to be in.

Thank you for your continued support of Life. We hope to have the Version 2.0 patch rolled out as soon as possible. It's been many years in the making and we think you'll be really pleased with it.

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#oneaday, Day 211: The Only Art Lesson You Will Ever Need

"I can't draw!" I hear you cry, assuming you're shouting about not being able to draw at this exact moment, which you probably aren't. But no matter! Help is at hand. You don't have to be an excellent artist to be able to draw things that are distinctive and interesting. I'm going to let you into the secrets of my own craft which you have doubtless seen throughout this blog. The art of the stickman.

I'll tell you a secret: I can draw. Sort of. Not great, and I've never studied it or had any particularly formal training. But I can sort of draw. I just choose not to when it comes to the pictures on this blog, because ever since secondary school when my good buddy Ed "Roth Dog" Padgett and I discovered that stickmen are actually the most expressive things in the universe, we've often chosen to stick to stickmen, no pun intended. On a side note, Roth actually can draw, as you'll see here.

But anyway. Let's begin.

Step 1: Pose

When you're drawing a stick person, the first thing you need to consider is what they're going to be doing. Since the body is very simple and you're going to spend most of the time on the face, this is a simple matter of making a quick decision. Most people stick to the traditional model (figure 1, but you can get stick figures doing all manner of weird and wonderful things (figure 2) even before you've put a face on them. Remember to add feet. Feet make poses more versatile. Adding feet to your stickmen is the difference between standing casually and tapping its foot impatiently.

Fig. 1: The basic stickman
Fig. 2: Possible stickman poses

Step 2a: Normal faces

The next step, which a lot of people leave out, stopping at step 1, is to add a face to your stickman. You only need three lines to put a face on a stickman. Two vertical lines for eyes, and one horizontal or curvy line for a mouth. These lines can be modified to produce a variety of expressions (figure 3).

Fig. 3: Possible stickman facial expressions.

Step 2b: Open-mouthed faces

If one of the closed-mouth expressions just isn't expressing things expressively enough for you, then you may wish to consider opening your stickman's mouth. What you put inside your stickman's mouth can make a large amount of difference to what the expression means (figure 4).

Fig. 4: Open-mouth expressions.

Step 2c: Exaggerated faces

If none of the above faces are quite getting across what you are trying to say with your stickman, then simply throw any semblance of realism out of the window and do something ridiculous. These are stickmen, after all. They can do whatever the hell you damn well want (figure 5).

Fig. 5: Exaggerated expressions.

Step 3: Detail

Once you've come up with a pose and a face, all you need to do is add some individuality to the stickman by adding some detail. This is normally done via the medium of hair. Creating different stickman characters is a simple matter of giving them different hairstyles. No-one will ever notice that they have the same faces and poses. You can even change a stick person's gender at the drop of a hat simply by changing the hairstyle (figure 6).

Fig. 6: Hairstyle = character.

And with just those three steps, you are officially done! You have created your own unique character. Congratulations. You're a cartoonist.

#oneaday, Day 186: How To Laugh On The Internet

The acronym "LOL", originally short for "laughing out loud" has lost all meaning. This is entirely thanks to Internet denizens who believe it is an adequate substitute for any punctuation mark ever. It's true. Try it sometime. Don't forget to strip out all capital letters.

"Would you like to go to the shops?" becomes "would u like to go 2 the shops lol"

"I went to the shops to buy some butter, but they had run out." becomes "I went 2 the shops 2 buy sum butter lol but they had run out lol"

"Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York; / all the clouds that lour'd upon our house / In the deep bosom of the ocean buried." becomes "now is da winta of our discontent lol made golrius summer by dis sun of york lol all da clouds that lourd upon our house lol in da deep bosom of da ocean buried lol"

Ouch, that actually hurt.

Anyway, the fact is, "LOL" is meaningless. Coming up quickly behind it in the meaningless stakes are other acronyms such as "LMAO" and "PMSL". So I feel, Internet, it is time to educate you in the ways of laughter which uses more characters but is infinitely more expressive. You'll find there's a laugh for every occasion.

"Hehe"

Mild amusement. This can be used for something that was only intended to be a little bit funny, or perhaps something that you didn't find that funny yourself but don't want to offend the other person by not laughing at it. It's also less girly than some other alternatives. An optional trailing full stop may be added.

CORRECT USAGE: "I thought I'd forgotten my keys earlier. But they were in my pocket the whole time!" — "Hehe"

INCORRECT USAGE: "YARR HARR FIDDLEDEDEE, BEING A PIRATE IS ALL RIGHT TO BE! DO WHAT YOU WANT CAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE!" — "Hehe"

"Heehee"

Flirtatious laughter. Perhaps someone has said something a little bit contentious or naughty and you want to giggle with them. "Heehee" is the perfect laugh for this purpose.

CORRECT USAGE: "Well, we went back to her house and then, well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened…" — "Heehee"

INCORRECT USAGE: "Lindsay Lohan is like a child with ADD! Neither of them can finish a sentence!" — "Heehee"

"Teehee"

The naughty laugh. An upgrade from "heehee", often used when slagging someone off behind their back, making illicit plans or making thinly-veiled references to something filthy the two of you—or indeed someone you mutually know—got up to recently.

CORRECT USAGE: "Well, last night certainly didn't suck… but someone sure did." — "Teehee"

INCORRECT USAGE: "The Master is rising! And soon the world will be ours!" — "Teehee"

"Haha(hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)"

The all-purpose "that's funny" laugh. The minimum number of "ha"s is two, otherwise it's a "Ha!" which is not a laugh at all, more a triumphant call of… something. The more "ha"s which are added to the end of the "haha", the funnier the thing is. "Haha" is mildly funny. "Hahahahahahahahahaha" is extremely funny. Optional additions may include all-caps or exclamation marks. These are both intensifiers.

CORRECT USAGE (mildly funny thing): "Knock knock." — "Who's there?" — "Doctor." — "Doctor who?" — "You just said it!" — "Haha"

CORRECT USAGE (exceedingly funny thing): "[insert most things that @DRUNKHULK says on Twitter]" — "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "Sir. The rebels have been crushed!" — "Haha"

"Mehehe(hehehehehe)"

The "mildly evil" laugh. Are you about to do something that's wrong, and you just don't care? Are you talking smack about someone? Have you made plans to do something which may cause mild embarrassment, discomfort or itching to a third party? Have you just witnessed something unfortunate occurring to someone you don't like much? Then this is the laugh for you. The number of "hehe"s on the end may again be varied. All-caps and exclamation marks are not usually added to an instance of a "mehehehehe".

CORRECT USAGE: "I'm going to invite them over, but then I won't answer the door!" — "Mehehehehe"

INCORRECT USAGE: "A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'" — "Mehehehehe"

"Mwahaha(hahahahaha)"

The "moderately evil" laugh. Are you about to do something very wrong? Or perhaps you're joking about doing something wrong that you'd never actually do but think would be quite entertaining, if evil, if you did? Have you successfully got one up on someone you moderately-to-extremely dislike? Then this is the laugh for you, complete with variable-length "hahahaha" on the end. All-caps and exclamation marks may be adopted for this laugh if appropriate, depending on the evility of the situation. However, in extremely evil situations, consider upgrading to "Muhahahahahaha!"

CORRECT USAGE: "And then I told her 'by the way, your skirt is TOTALLY tucked into your panties'. She looked mortified!" — "Mwahahahaha!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "Aww, look at that cute little kitten!" — "Mwahahaha!"

Not to be confused with "Mwah", which is blowing a kiss.

"Muhahahahahahaha!"

The "very evil" laugh. You are an evil overlord, emperor or other figure who strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies. You are either about to do something terribly evil, have just done something terribly evil or take delight revelling in your evil-ness. Whatever the reason, this laugh is part of your arsenal of verbal weapons with which you may strike fear into the aforementioned hearts of your aforementioned enemies, along with sentences such as "I am afraid it is YOU who are mistaken" and "No, Mr Protagonist, I expect you to die". All-caps and exclamation marks are frequently applied for intensification purposes.

CORRECT USAGE: "MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "Oh look, your baby cousin is smiling for the first time!" — "MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any legitimate historical evidence which quotes Hitler as saying "MUHAHAHAHAHA!" But I bet he did.

"Bahahahahaha!"

The belly laugh. This is a hearty chuckle at something you find genuinely amusing. The kind of laugh that Father Christmas or a Viking would use whilst sitting in front of a roaring log fire. Works well with a smoker's cough.

CORRECT USAGE: "I want a bicycle like in E.T. so I can follow you through the skies, Santa!" — "Bahahahahaha!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "That duck just fell over." — "Bahahahahaha!"

"Gahahahahahahaha!"

The Brian Blessed laugh. I don't think anything else needs to be said about this one. Usually combined with all-caps and exclamation marks.

CORRECT USAGE: "CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "I posted a rude message on that forum." — "GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Kyahahahahaha!"

The witch's laugh. An evil cackle if ever there was one. Doesn't really work when men do it. Even evil wizards don't tend to go "kyahahahahaha".

CORRECT USAGE: "And now, my pretties, into the pot you go! Kyahahahahaha!"

INCORRECT USAGE: "Do you remember that time my pants fell down?" — "Kyahahahahaha!"

So as you can see, there is a laugh for pretty much any situation. I trust this will be the last time I ever see you using acronyms to represent laughter and/or punctuation.

Please feel free to share any additional variants you may be aware of in the comments.