#oneaday, Day 184: Dark World

[The following is part dream I had, part daydream, part complete fiction and part external influences. You may make of it what you will. Up to and including a fetching hat.]

The fog was out of season, and even thicker than it would have been at the right time of year for it. And it was cold. Very cold. Colder than he remembered it being for a long time. He wasn't sure how long it had been cold and foggy, but it had certainly been for the whole day. And that seemed to mean that everyone was staying inside, since there was not a soul on the street.

He reached the shop and walked in. All was silent inside. The lights flickered slightly, and the buzzing of the fluorescent tubes suddenly seemed very loud. There was no-one here either; no sign of the usual student rabble laughing, joking and buying beer. No sign of the shop staff behind the counter. Nothing. Yet apart from this, the neatly-stacked shelves looked just as they always did. But there was something wrong, something sinister about the whole thing.

He walked over to the coffee machine, pulled out a cup and placed it under the nozzle before jamming his thumb onto the "large latté" button. The machine whirred, ground and made that curious sucking noise as the milk and coffee poured into the cup. It seemed very loud amidst the silence in the rest of the shop. Then it was quiet, and the cup was full. He pulled out one of the flimsy plastic lids from the dispensers and set it atop the cup.

He fumbled in his pocket for some loose change and left it on the counter. Just because there was no-one here was no reason to take advantage. He wasn't that sort of person.

Something was wrong. The lights were flickering more, and the buzzing was getting louder. Suddenly, they went off entirely, and the shop was plunged into darkness. Loud, metallic scraping sounds filled his ears and he didn't know what was happening. It shouldn't be dark; it was still light outside, despite the fog. He tripped and fell in the darkness, somehow managing to hold on to his coffee cup. The ground began to shake, and he fell again trying to get back on his feet. This time, he dropped the cup. The tremors became stronger and stronger; it felt like the ground was somehow shifting beneath him, changing, becoming… metallic?

A small light flicked on above the counter.

The floor was cold, and where there once were simple tiles was now covered in metallic grates, darkness beneath them.

He scrambled to his feet, not wanting to stay here any longer than necessary. Outside, the fog was gone, but it was dark now. There was little light by which to see, so he pulled out his phone and used the bright light from the screen to see his way. The street seemed to be covered with the same curious gratings, the soles of his shoes clanging on them as he walked.

In the distance, in the darkness, he could see his building. He needed to get there, to be home, to be safe, to be inside. He didn't like the feeling that this strange new environment was giving him. He quicked his pace to a light jog and headed towards the building, up the stairs to the front door. He punched in the door code and opened the door.

Inside, like outside, all was darkness. The small pool of light from his phone was just enough to see by, but it didn't make him feel any better. He opened the door leading into the corridor that held his apartment and stepped into the blackness. He walked forward down the corridor, stopping and turning where he thought his door should be, but there was nothing there, and the corridor continued into the darkness. He couldn't see the end of it.

He turned to face the corridor, stretching into the distance, took a deep breath, swallowed, and continued to walk down it. As he continued down the seemingly endless passageway, the only sound were his footsteps echoing on the metallic floor.

He wasn't sure how long he walked for, but he was starting to get out of breath after a while. That's when he heard the sounds. A mechanical sound of some sort, though he couldn't tell what. He walked towards it and it slowly, gradually, got louder.

A voice whispered in his ear and he gave a start, almost falling over with the shock. He didn't hear what the voice said, but it sounded familiar. Then the other ear, again, something said, not meant to be heard. The machinery growing louder and louder, the whispering voices growing more urgent. And now it felt like the corridor was sloping downwards. Just a little at first, but the further he went and the closer the sound became, the more it sloped and sloped until he thought he was going to slide down it and then—

The corridor came to an abrupt end along with the sounds, and he almost walked into his neighbour's door in the darkness. He turned to face his own apartment, drew out his key from his pocket and hesitantly slid it into the lock. Pushing open the door slowly, cautiously, he shone the light from his phone into the black hallway, a sense of dread gripping him from inside, tightening every organ in his body, making him feel coiled like a spring.

The light bounced off a metallic object that was sitting on the side in the hallway. He walked over to it to see what it was.

A cook's knife. Clean, shining in the light and sharp as a razor. He picked it up, not certain what he'd use it for. And he walked slowly towards the bedroom, figuring that if the world was going to do a passable impression of night-time, he might as well try and get some sleep.

The door creaked open as he pushed it, but suddenly he was wrenched through it, the wind knocked out of him as he fell to the ground, still gripping the knife in his hand, his phone skittering across the floor, face up, its light shining around the small room.

Then the sound. That terrible sound. Like a scream, but not of pain or terror. It sounded like rage. It was formidable and terrible, and it was somewhere in this room.

He looked up at the pool of light on the ceiling. That's when he saw it. Its skin glistening as the light reflected off it, it screamed again as it knew it had been spotted.

He gasped, and his breathing quickened. This was—

The thing let out a horrifying screech again and something glass shattered. A window? A mirror? He couldn't tell, because he couldn't see. But he knew what had to be done. Brandishing the knife in a shaking hand, he walked towards where he had seen it hanging and looked up again. A tendril, like a thick piece of rope, hung from the ceiling. He raised the knife over his head and brought it down in a smooth arc, slashing through the tendril and slicing it clean in two. The part which had been stuck to the ceiling fell to the ground with a wet slapping noise, and there was another terrible scream.

His head hurt. His vision, what little he could see, felt hazy. This was difficult. It wasn't as easy as he thought. But he had to—

The thing roared and lunged at him, but he staggered to one side at just the right moment, placing him right beneath another hanging tendril. Gritting his teeth and raising the knife, he cut through this one too. This time, images flashed across his eyes. Memories? He wasn't sure, because they were gone as soon as he could focus on them. And still it was there, howling in pain now, writhing, yet still trapped. It lunged again and pushed him to the floor, knocking the wind out of him and the knife clattering across the floor. He dove towards where he thought it fell, gasping to recover his breath, and fumbled around until he felt its handle. Unsteadily, he picked himself up and got to his feet. His head was hurting now, like a migraine but worse. Instead of flashing lights across his vision, there were images, but they were still too elusive to grasp hold of. He recognised them, loved them and feared them at the same time, and he knew that there was only one way to—

With a yell, he leapt at the thing, knife raised aloft and slashed through the fourth and final tendril. With an awful screech, it fell to the ground, helpless against what was to come.

He stood above it, looking down at this pitiful thing that could engender such fear, hatred and anger. There was only one thing left, and that would be it. That would be the end. That would be—

He knelt before it, glowering at it, eyes narrowed, teeth grinding. He looked at the knife in his hand, now stained with blood and ichor, and then back to the thing again. This would be the last—

He plunged the knife deep into it and the horrific noise that ensued made the ground shake. But he pulled out the knife and plunged it in again, the tremors becoming more and more forceful, the screech becoming more and more deafening. He could hear walls cracking, collapsing, falling around him. He hoped it would be enough time to—

With the final thrust of the knife, there was a blinding white light, a sense of sudden, incredible, release like every trace of tension leaving his body; and there was a sound, a sound like a rising wind, louder and louder and stronger and filling his ears with noise and sound and it was too much and—

Then sudden, awful, total silence. Nothingness. The white light enveloped everything. Made it impossible to see. But it was—

She stood by the door to the apartment, not sure whether or not to go in. She stared at that number on the door, the number which for so long had meant "home" but was now just another meaningless digit. She looked at the lock, and at the key in her hand.

The key slid smoothly into the lock and she pushed open the door. Inside, all was quiet. The lights were off, the curtains were open and there were no signs of life. She walked ahead into the bedroom. Bare. Nothing but a bed. No sheets, no pillows, nothing. Back into the corridor; nothing here. The closets: empty. The study: nothing to see.

Panicking now, her heart racing, she ran to the living room. Nothing here besides the table, the sofa and the chairs. The things that had always been here, but nothing that meant—

Then she saw it. A folded piece of paper on the table, sitting by itself, alone.

She took it, unfolded it, read it.

Then she stuffed it into her pocket, turned and fled.

#oneaday, Day 168: Into Dreams

I was awoken this morning by the conclusion of a peculiar and very realistic-feeling dream. The details of said dream are fading a little now, making me wish I'd written this post sooner. But I shall attempt to explain what I remember. There's not actually that much.

I was in the dining room of my parents' house. I believe it was the dining room as it looked some years ago, i.e. when I was a kid, not how it looks now. It hasn't changed that much, but there's been a few additions, such as a couple of clocks and chairs that used to belong to my grandparents. Those things weren't there in the dream, at least I don't think so. Oh, does it matter? Probably not. The main point of the dream was not that I was in my parents' dining room. It was the fact that I was in there with two other people, the identities of which have slipped out of my mind for now. But I believe they were people you wouldn't expect to be doing what we were doing.

No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter, you disgusting pervert.

We were singing. Specifically, we were singing Silent Night. A cappella. With improvised harmonies and counter-melodies. It was hauntingly beautiful in that slightly sinister and aggressive way that male voice choirs tend to be. As soon as the song finished, I woke up on the sofa I'd been sleeping on after a night of babysitting. (I know, right. Hardcore Saturday nights for the win.)

Bizarre. But not the most bizarre dream I've ever had.

I used to have several peculiar recurring dreams as a child. Both of them are utterly nonsensical in the way that only a child's dreams can be. I haven't had any recurring dreams like that for a long time. I actually kind of miss them a bit. Sort of. Although one of them was a bit scary.

The first involved a cuddly-toy pyjama case I had as a kid. This pyjama case was a brown bear from America and as such was appropriately named American Brown Bear. He was a cheerful-looking sort of bear; a bit skinny when he didn't have any pyjamas in his stomach, but otherwise he was fairly happy and smiley. So I have no idea why I found him so terrifying at night. Or indeed where this dream about him came from.

It would always be the same. I'd dream that I woke up and needed to get out of bed for some reason; perhaps to go to the toilet, or get a drink or something like that. Perhaps the context changed. But the need to get out of bed is a constant.

When I was a kid, I slept in a bedroom that required passing by a window to get from the bed to the door. In the dream, when I passed the window, American Brown Bear would leap out and shout something indecipherable which to this day I haven't worked out what it actually was, but sounded awfully like "MRS LINCOLN PUPPIES!", which of course makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. This is, of course, leaving aside the fact that my pyjama case was talking to me.

There was never any sort of satisfying conclusion to the dream. It usually woke me up. I never did find out what it meant.

The second recurring dream was more surreal. Yes, more.

I'd wake up in the dream and I'd be in a strange landscape. It'd always be night-time, the sky a shade of dark navy blue with stars and a crescent moon. It always looked more like an artist's rendition of "night-time" rather than a realistic image. I believe it may well have been based on the image there was in a print of a painting we had on our landing. I forget the name of it or indeed who it was by. But I have a feeling that was the kind of image.

Anyway, that wasn't the weird thing. The weird thing was the fact that there was a silhouette of a tree in the distance (which I was shocked to discover ended up marking the end point of the first level of Flower on the PS3—yes, it totally was the same tree and I wasn't just projecting my childhood memories onto it at all, dammit) and in front of the tree there was a field I had to get through. Yes, had to. Because I really needed to get to that tree. I don't know why, and I never did. Because the field in question was made of strawberry mousse, high up to the height of those fields of sunflowers you see in zombie movies. Strawberry fields forever, quite literally. The only way through was to eat it. I could have dug through, probably, but I'd get my hands all sticky.

Inevitably, I'd end up getting lost, despite reaching the tree only necessitating travelling in a straight line for a considerable period of time. At the point I got lost, I'd rise up above the mousse-field and see how far I had to go, and the path I'd carved (eaten). It always twisted and turned inexplicably, and I was never anywhere near the tree. Then I'd wake up.

So there you are. Childhood recurring dreams… nightmares, whatever. Perhaps they might explain a few things? Or perhaps not.

#oneaday, Day 127: Good Morning, Sleepyhead

Pro-tip: Colouring in things with a mouse is a pain in the arse. Don't start it, because then you'll have to finish it.Good morning! Well, it's nearly 2AM after all. That traditional blogging time, you know.

So I've been by myself for some time now after a long time having someone beside me almost constantly. And the thing that's struck me the most is how one's perception of time changes. Or maybe it's not the perception of time, it's the brain associating certain activities with certain memories and wanting to distance itself from them. Or, to simplify matters, it's about the messed-up sleepytime routine of the lonely man.

Take going to bed. I've found it quite difficult to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour. I never was particularly good at it at the best of times, but if the occasion demanded it, I could be in bed before midnight. Before 11PM, even. But now? Staying up late isn't particularly unusual. This isn't some attempt to take full advantage of my new-found and not-particularly-enjoyable freedom. It's simply that going to bed means spending time alone in a dark room. Which, as anyone who has ever suffered through depression, stress, or any sort of crisis (all three of which I'm suffering right now) will tell you, is a sure-fire way to get one's brain thinking about things you don't really want to think about. So my body convinces itself that it's not tired and doesn't want to go to bed yet. So I don't. Eventually I will collapse into bed and sleep, but it's only once I really can't go on any longer.

The side-effect to this is, of course, that it's sometimes a bit difficult to wake up in the morning. But not only that. Having grown accustomed to waking up alongside someone else and having that presence there to spur you on to face the day, whatever it might entail, it's a shock to the system to suddenly have to do all that yourself. I can wake up early, sure. But getting out of bed? More difficult. When it feels like there's not much to get up for – and certainly no-one waiting for me to get up – it becomes easy to just lie there staring into space or worse, fall asleep again. This is, of course, enormously impractical and could probably be rectified by going to bed a bit earlier, but because of the aforementioned reasons, that's difficult too. Vicious cycle, you see.

It's not as if I don't keep myself busy, though. If I stay up late, it's not just to stare at a wall or sit there in floods of tears, though both of those have happened at least once recently. No, I find something to do. I find someone to chat to. I write something. I draw something. I play a game. I harass people on Twitter. Anything to avoid having to sit in that dark room trying to get to sleep, failing and hearing that little tap-tap-tap of the unpleasant thoughts come a-knockin' on my brain. It's a distraction, though, not a substitute.

So the moral of this story, then, is don't be alone. It sucks.

#oneaday, Day 115: Change the Script

I popped out earlier in an attempt to 1) clear my head a bit and 2) get something done. Specifically, I went out with the intentions of 1) giving my CV to a temp agency to get a crappy job so I can actually earn some money, since the supply teaching agencies are being useless right now despite repeated poking, and 2) getting something to eat.

Within the space of five minutes, three separate people in three separate establishments had proven themselves to be absolutely useless. In the world's constant drive to be more efficient, the introduction of "scripts", turning real people into walking, talking robots, has made even the simplest of tasks an ordeal.

First I walked into Reed, an employment agency. There was no-one at the front desk, which wasn't an immediately good start. I looked around a bit and eventually a middle-aged woman appeared out of an office at the back.

WOMAN: Hello, can I help you?

ME: Yes, I'm looking for short-term temporary employment.

WOMAN: Oh? How temporary?

ME: Erm… temporary as in "not permanent"?

WOMAN: Tell me about you.

ME: I'm Pete. Here's my CV. Do you need me to register with you?

WOMAN: (ignoring proffered CV) Here's what you need to do: You need to go online to our website and register. Then apply for a job and go from there! Okay, thank you! (disappears)

ME: MAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

Point number 1: I know you can apply online. But via their website, you have to apply for a specific job. I wanted to make myself available for short-term temp positions that I could quit at a moment's notice in the event of something actually good coming up.

Point number 2: If you want people to apply online, why on Earth do you have a high street presence? It seems that having a publicly-accessible office is completely redundant if the staff refuse to actually do anything for you.

Next, bewildered, I wandered over to Burger King as I fancied one of their sweet chilli chicken sandwiches. I was confronted by a girl who looked about twelve.

ME: Hello. I'd like a sweet chilli chicken sandwich by itself please.

GIRL: I can't do that.

ME: What?

GIRL: I can't do that.

ME: No, no, I heard you. Still, what?

GIRL: I can't do the sandwich by itself.

ME: Sure you can. You just don't put it in the same bag as some chips and don't pour me a drink.

GIRL: No, I mean it's more expensive to have it by itself.

ME: What? That goes against every law of nature.

GIRL: But I can't do it.

ME: But it gives a price for the sandwich by itself on the board up there. And it's cheaper.

GIRL: Oh, you mean the sweet chilli Royale? I can do that.

ME: Right. Then let's do that, shall we?

GIRL: MAAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Pro-Tip, BK: don't have two things on your menu with almost identical names. It confuses your sales staff. And your customers.

After that, I fancied a coffee. I didn't get a drink from BK because I specifically wanted a decent cup of coffee. So I wandered over to Costa. Inside, a lemon cupcake glared at me from within the glass case and I decided that yes, that might be a nice accompaniment too. So I wandered up to the counter, only to be confronted by another girl who looked about twelve.

ME: Hi. A medium latte and a lemon cupcake to have in, please.

GIRL: Any cakes or pastries?

ME: I just asked for a lemon cupcake.

GIRL: Oh, right. Is that to have in or to go?

ME: I also just asked for it to have in.

GIRL: Oh, right. A medium latte, right?

ME: Right.

GIRL: And a lemon muffin?

ME: No. A lemon cupcake.

GIRL: MAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

When I finally got my coffee, it was accompanied by a lemon muffin, not a cupcake. I didn't complain, as muffins are more expensive than cupcakes and she only charged me for a cupcake. Take that, The System!

My point is, though, all of these incidents could have been easily avoided by the above people acting like actual human beings rather than robots. It's unnecessary to have a script to ask people whether they want a cake with their coffee. I have never heard anyone reconsider whether they want a "cake or pastry" after being asked that question. If someone wants a cake (or pastry), they'll generally ask for it. If they have already asked for it, you don't really need to ask it again.

The drive to make the world more efficient by standardising everything – including the things employees say – is actually making it more inefficient. So the next time you get asked a stock question by a drone behind a counter, try responding with something they don't expect. Like this:

COFFEE CHICK: Any cakes or pastries?

ME: Do you like badgers?

COFFEE CHICK: Uhh… is that to have in?

ME: The surreptitiously-garbled mongoose is flatulent in the willow tree.

COFFEE CHICK: Leave before I call the police.

ME: MAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

#oneaday, Day 111: Post-Mortem

Good morning! Lovely day, isn't it? Who am I kidding? It's grey and miserable outside and I woke up at midday. Rather than just lying there stewing in my own self-pity and the stench of a night out, though, I decided to get out into the fresh air and locate some decent coffee before I melted into a puddle of apathy on the floor. Now I'm back and not actually feeling too bad.

After any drunken night out, it's always wise to take stock of anything stupid you may have done in order to prepare yourself for any potential repercussions. As technology has advanced, the number of ways in which one can humiliate oneself has exponentially increased. Pre-mobile phones, you could just make a twat of yourself in person. Then there were phone calls. Then there were text messages, emails, tweets, Facebook, blogs and all manner of other media with which to do something dumb. Fortunately, the evidence seems to suggest that I only used a few of these last night. This was largely due to the fact my iPhone battery ran out partway through the evening thanks to us all playing with the Omegle app in the pub before moving on to nightclub "Unit", where ChatRoulette was playing on a big screen, cocks and all.

So, let's look at the statistics, then.:

Friends getting lost: 1
Friends unable to open their own front door because they were turning their key the wrong way: 1 (the same person)

Phone calls made: 0
Phone calls received: 2 (from the above person)

Voicemails left: 0
Voicemails received: 1 (from the above person)

Text messages sent: 18
Text messages received: 11
Text messages sent to people I shouldn't have: 0 (whew)
Text messages I regret sending: 0 (double whew)
Text messages along the lines of "I LUV U UR SO AWESOME LOL": 4
Text messages containing spelling errors: 17
Text messages containing perfect spelling: 1
Text messages containing errant punctuation: 1
Inadvertent mentions of sadistic/masochistic sexual practices: 1

Tweets tweeted: 13
@replies: 1
Mentions of friends trying to kill me: 1
Aspersions cast on friends' respective sexualities: 2
Aspersions cast on friends' respective sexualities based on their taste in music: 1
Twitpics/yFrogs: 3
Tweets containing the same picture inadvertently posted twice: 1
Tweets containing hand-drawn "artist's impressions": 1
BAP!s: 1
Tweets in ALL CAPS: 0.75
Tweets attempting to quote Annie Lennox songs and failing: 1
Tweets using the hashtag #drunk: 2
Perfectly spelled tweets: 2
Unnecessary requests for readers to fuck off: 1

Blogs posted: 1
Spelling errors in blog: 0
Blog lucidity: 95%
Mentions of men masturbating on webcams being horrifying and compelling at the same time: 1

Not bad. Could be worse. Let's see a few highlights then, shall we? I hasten to add, these are all ones I sent, not received. Let's start with some text messages:

Typical post-drunken "THANK YOU FOR AN AWESOME NIGHT!" text. Note the time. I'm impressed I managed to somehow insert a web address and misspell my own name. And what "sebsexbexsusecim" means is anyone's guess. It's probably not what you think. Let's do itcagsin sometime.

The top message covers several of the above bases. We have the "I LUV U UR AWESOME" ("I need to ve ariuvs awesome people and you are awesome. :)"). We have errant punctuation ("..23@@") and a whole lot of misspelled words. Then underneath we have a beautifully lucid one, proving that the nonsense was more a product of typing too hastily rather than complete spastication. Also, watch out or o can come koj you.

I wasn't aware my mam was there. Nor do I remember any S&M going on. But it's all right, because I apologies forcant errors. Note that I appeared to have given up attempting to type "Pete" by this point.

Here are the tweets. I think I can let them speak for themselves. Click for a close-up and read from bottom to top.

And I'll leave you with my "artist's impression" of ChatRoulette, drawn using Brushes for iPhone while this very situation was unfolding on the big screen a few metres away from us:

NEXT! NEXT! OH MY GOD! CLICK THE NEXT BUTTON! QUICK!

>

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#oneaday, Day 108: Just Like Marilyn Monroe

I went dancing last night. Yes, you read that correctly. You can blame @Amy_Walker for the bizarre image you undoubtedly have in your head right now. She twisted my arm rather less than I expected she'd have to and I agreed to go along and give it a try.

"It?" I hear you cry. Doubtless you're wondering exactly what kind of wibbling around on the dance floor I was taking part in. Could it be ballet? (No. I don't look good in tights.) Street dance? (No. Largely because the music makes me want to throw dustbins. But also because it looks far too difficult.) Ballroom dancing? (No. I don't grin like an idiot enough.)

Dance in question was Mo'Jive, which is, I believe, short for Modern Jive. (Apostrophes make everything cooler, as everyone knows.) It's actually kind of difficult to describe, but appears to involve lots of holding hands, offering resistance, spinning people around and trying not to accidentally grab anyone's boobs. It appears to be a pretty versatile sort of dance, too, with the music that was played ranging from the very modern to more traditional stuff from the 50s and 60s. It's deceptively energetic, too. Although the moves themselves feel relatively straightforward to perform in terms of the amount of effort involved (if not in the considerable amount of coordination required) by the end of the night I felt like I'd had a decent workout. Obviously not quite the same as lifting weights or anything, but definitely from a cardio perspective, things were happening.

I learned three moves throughout the course of the evening which I believe were called the First Move, Push Spin; the Hatchback; and the Man Spin. The geek in me was delighted that I had genuinely learned a selection of moves that sounded like they'd require some pretty advanced button combinations to pull off. ("Man Spin" is quarter-circle forward followed by punch and kick together, if you're curious.) The social spaz in me was delighted that I didn't make a complete tit of myself in front of lots of different people. And, well, just me was delighted that I was actually doing something I'd never done before and never thought I would do.

Okay. I made mistakes. I kept using the wrong hand halfway through a Man Spin. I occasionally did too many turns in the middle of a First Move, Push Spin. Sometimes I got completely lost and had to start the whole sequence again. But by the end of the night, I was looking surprisingly convincing. Amy even told me earlier today that several friends she knew from the sessions had mentioned how quickly and well I'd picked things up – especially considering I'd never tried it before. She assured me that she wasn't just saying it to make me feel better, too. I think I believe her.

I had a good time. No, a really great time, actually. After recent events, I've found it especially important to get out there and do stuff. Sitting at home being miserable isn't going to achieve anything. So I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone for once and pushed myself to do something that I wouldn't normally have even contemplated doing. And more to the point, the results were far from disastrous. It's given me a bit of much-needed confidence, and God knows I need some of that right now.

I'll leave you with this, which has to win the Scary and Hilarious Music Video of the Week award. Gotta love the Right Said Fred. Enjoy.

Post-Script: I hasten to add that the Mo'Jive class Amy and I attended didn't involve any topless bald men, bikini-clad ladies or swimming pools. Or indeed dancing in the style seen in the video. If you're curious about what it's actually all about, check out the Mo'Club here.

#oneaday, Day 100!

And there it is. With little fanfare, just after midnight on the day before my birthday, I hit the big 100. That's one hundred days of continuous blogging. And, while some older entries have now been set to private for reasons I won't go into, I have 100 posts all lined up one after the other showing me… well, nothing really. Nothing apart from the fact that I can keep up a commitment I set to myself to do something that I enjoy and is of at least marginal benefit to me.

Blogging is cathartic. At least to me. Some people focus their blogs on one particular narrow subject and make that specialist subject the only thing they talk about. I've toyed with that idea for some time – this being me we're talking about, video games are a big part of that, but that's not the only interesting thing that goes on in the world. In limiting myself to talking about one thing and one thing only, I'd be limiting my potential audience, even if the company I mostly keep online are largely video game enthusiasts themselves, too.

One thing I have enjoyed about writing these #oneaday posts is the opportunity to write something a bit different. Some days it'll just be a personal comment, like today. Other days I'll do a write-up on a particular issue. Other days I'll post photos. Looking at the stats, though, it's sometimes difficult to see patterns. The best day recently (with a mighty 90 views) was the day I responded to Roger Ebert's "games will never be art" assertion (after midnight) and later that day (after actually sleeping) posted some pictures with the iPhone Hipstamatic app. The Ebert issue was a hot topic, so it's unsurprising that saw a big spike. I had a similar pattern when I posted about Kevin Smith's experience with SouthWest Air, another hot topic of discussion around the Internet.

So I guess if I'm chasing page views, hot topics are the way forward. Well, duh.

But I'm not going for page views, really. I mean, it's always gratifying to know that people are reading what I'm writing (and even better, responding in the comments) but when I write these things, I'm doing it for me. Keeping it daily like this is like keeping a diary, something I've done several times in the past. I always used to greatly enjoy keeping a diary but always, without fail, ended up writing something so utterly mortifyingly embarrassing in it that I'd end up throwing the book out in case anyone ever saw it. I actually regret that now, as lame as the things I wrote were (usually involving chicks) as if there's one thing I always enjoy doing, it's reading back over past things I've written.

Over the last couple of days, I've been re-reading this blog from the beginning. It being a blog and not a novel, there's obviously not a sense of structure. But there is a curious sense of narrative, whether it's saying an open and heartfelt goodbye to the family pet, discussing my time with No-One Lives Forever (still a top search term to find this blog), exploring the stranger side of indie games or reviewing a local band. I remember these things happening, as small and inconsequential as they mostly are, because I wrote about them. We all have "big memories" of the life-shaping events that take place in our lives – good or bad. But the thing I'm truly appreciating about this whole exercise is that it gives me the opportunity to remember the little things, too, however little relevance they may hold to the "big picture".

If you've read anything at all on this blog before, you've shared in some of those memories. They may not seem significant to you. Some of them don't even seem significant to me. But thanks for letting me share all those things with you. I hope I've entertained, informed or at least given you something to do while you're bored. I've certainly enjoyed writing them – at no point has it ever felt like a chore. Which is, as they say, a Good Thing.

It figures that on a big milestone day like this one, I go off onto a completely dumb stream of consciousness ramble. There are many more days ahead of this one, each holding new memories ready to commit to a post. I'm looking forward, wondering what will come next.

Here's to the next 100. Good night.

#oneaday, Day 87: Staying Up The Latest

I don't know why I like staying up late. Perhaps years of doing so have buggered up my body clock beyond all recognition. But I know for a fact that I can happily occupy myself until two, three in the morning without feeling any ill effects. Okay, sure, sometimes actually getting up the next morning is a traumatic experience, but for the most part there are few ill effects.

I've even pulled a couple of all-nighters in the past, but usually only when necessary. Okay, sometimes when I'm alone in the house and there's a really good game/film/DVD box set to get through. But mostly when it's necessary. The last one, I think, was before a trip over to Toronto to meet several members of The Squadron of Shame. We'd recorded a podcast shortly before our trip, so being chief edit dude, I took it on myself to get it done before the trip. And I did.

I think my favourite staying up late memory, though, is the time I was at university and received a text message from a friend at approaching 2AM.

"Are you awake?" it said.

"Yes," I replied.

"Good," came the message back. "Because we're downstairs. Want to come to the beach?"

I turned off my computer – I think I was playing Baldur's Gate II at the time (a game I am yet to finish, incidentally) – and headed downstairs. Sure enough, there was the car, ready to go. And we did indeed head to the beach.

Now, those of you who know Southampton will know that, despite being on the waterfront, there are no beaches. So "going to the beach" involves a not-inconsiderable drive through the New Forest, which gets rather dark at night-time. Still, we made it safely in the end, and found ourselves on a completely deserted beach after 2AM.

It was strangely eerie and beautiful at the same time. The night was cold but clear, so the moonlight lit up the beach quite nicely. It wasn't the nicest beach in the world – very few beaches in the UK are any more – but it was our private little hideaway for that short amount of time we spent there.

No-one had the guts to actually go for a swim, but a few among our number had a paddle before running out rather quickly due to the extreme coldness. Eventually, we tired of the dark beach and went home having not really achieved anything, save putting a memory in our minds that will last for a very long time.

There's a How I Met Your Mother episode called "Nothing Good Happens After 2AM". It is nonsense. Awesome things happen after 2AM.

#oneaday, Day 85: The Artist Formerly Known as Top Searches

I was all set to do a post on the top search terms on my blog today, after Rhiarti did such a good one the other day. But it turns out that they're rather mundane, sadly. Still, I've started now, so let's get this over with.

Turtles in Time Reshelled

I wrote one post about this. One post about this game and it's been consistently in the top search results for my blog ever since. You really want to read it? Knock yourself out – it's here. Actually, you know what? I remember being quite pleased with that post. I guess I should be flattered that so many people are looking for it. Thank you for your support, everyone.

Pete Davison

My name! Amazing. I was genuinely surprised to see that the second-to-top search result was actually my name. Apparently people are looking for me. Given that I am looking for work, I assume that this is a good thing. That or my mother is taking an over-active interest in Googling me.

Divine Divinity

I was something of an evangelist for this excellent PC RPG a while back. It's excellent. Read more here. And then go buy it on Good Old Games. Avoid its sequel though, which is less good.

no.one.lives.forever

I don't know why the searcher put dots in the name. But this game is another that I wrote a few posts about a while back, and the term has stayed in my search results in various forms ever since. Also a great game, and a reminder of when first-person shooters had remembered what "fun" meant.

divine communication tumblr

Now this one I have genuinely no idea about. It's a kind of hideous cross-breed of several different posts – most likely this one, this one and this one. But quite why someone felt the need to search for those three words together is anyone's guess. Maybe they thought God keeps a Tumblr. Probably called "fuckyeahomniscience.tumblr.com". I wouldn't be surprised if that actually existed.

The next three are search terms just from yesterday. These are much more interesting.

doctor who spitfires won't work in space

Of course they won't. That doesn't stop it being awesome.

farmville co-op what happens if you let

No! Don't stop there! I want to know what the rest of that question was. Don't be shy. "What happens if you let…" what? Your sheep run amok? Your crops wither and die? Your child have easy access to your credit card for the purchasing of premium items?

highest lvl in borderlands

50. You're welcome.

Right. Enough. Good night!

#oneaday, Day 81: The Unspoken and NSFW Language of Gentlemen

[Warning: This post involves crudely-drawn pictures of dicks and the discussion thereof, and is thereby probably unsafe for work.]

There are two unspoken understandings between men. One of them is this:

[EDIT: Dear Channel 4. I'm trying to promote your material. Why not let me embed a video of one of the funniest scenes to ever be shown on television? Grrruuuuu.]

And the other, less safe for work one, is this:

I have no idea what it is with guys and dick drawing. But there's something universally understood by it. Perhaps this sketch wasn't far from the truth:

…though to be perfectly honest, I don't remember that lesson myself. Maybe it gets erased from your mind, like Men in Black.

I do remember, though, sitting next to a kid named Daniel in my first year at secondary school. It was a Humanities lesson and for some inexplicable reason we took it on ourselves to draw at least one cock on every single page of a textbook called "Discovering the Past". And we succeeded without being spotted. It was a triumphant moment for the pair of us, and one we never quite managed to recapture the magic of. The book just lent itself to obscene drawings. On one page, there was some sort of flask which Daniel thought was ideally suited for a bell-end to poke out of the end of. And for some inexplicable reason, he added a speech bubble reading "I SCREAM! I SCREAM!"

That image has stuck with me for many a year. I'm not quite sure what I should make of that. And you're probably not quite sure, either. I apologise.

Still, the fact is that doodling cocks on pieces of scrap paper is something that remains appealing to a large proportion of the male population. There are those who do it and admit to it, and there are those who do it and don't admit to it. If you speak to a man and he denies ever having drawn a crude todger on a bit of loose paper, he's probably lying. I personally consider it a sign of close friendship when you're able to not only hurl light-hearted obscenities at each other verbally, but visually too. Of course, there's absolutely no question of any real tallywhackers being whipped out – that would be, as the kids say, "a bit gay". But if you're with male friends, at a loose end – particularly when you've been drinking – and there's some loose paper around, just see what happens. I have numerous photographs of whiteboards we had in our house that will attest to this. No, I won't burn your eyes with those right now.

I should probably be faintly ashamed of my sex's predilection towards drawing its own genitalia. Knobs aren't, after all, the most photogenic things that there are. But in some ways, it's nice to recapture that inner child with a childish doodle of a dong.

I hereby apologise for the crudeness of the above post. But I have been drinking. And I needed something to write about. And since our drunken game of Munchkin tonight involved just as much drawing of obscenities on pieces of paper as it did actually playing the game, this seemed as good as anything.

Good night to you. *tips hat*