#oneaday, Day 316: Pity The Poor Shopkeeper

The poor shopkeeper doesn't have it easy, whatever form they take. If they're a retail monkey working for minimum wage in some sweaty hell-hole where chavs repeatedly come up and ask if the nearly-black garment they have in their hands is available in black, then they're probably losing the will to live by the second. If they're working in a, shall we say, "premium" retail environment they're probably having a better time but rapidly growing sick of the fixed grins they're forced to wear, not to mention the stock phrases that spew forth from their mouths like some form of verbal effluvia.

And then there's the poor, downtrodden RPG merchant, forced to sell all manner of crap, apparently only to adventurers, who then helpfully restock them with an endless supply of boar intestines, bits of wood, crystal chippings and used swords that they don't need any more. It must be a difficult life. And frequently a tedious one, as anyone who entered the online world of Ultima Online with lofty ambitions of owning a huge retail empire will attest.

It's this odd premise that quirky Japanese indie game Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale (available on Steam, as well as directly from the distributor's website) decides to explore in great depth. Playing the role of Recette, an adorable young girl with an absentee father, it's the player's job to help her run a successful RPG item store and make enough money to pay off the debt her father left her with. She's not in it alone, of course. She has a fairy assistant named Tear. Tear works for the financial institution with which Recette's father took out the loan, "because fairies are good at administration" and is there to help Recette pay off the debt she's been saddled with. The two become friends quickly, but should Recette be unable to make any of the weekly payments she's required to, Tear will quickly repossess her house and leave the poor girl living in a box.

So far, so Animal Crossing, you might say. And you'd kind of be right. Except not. There really isn't another game quite like Recettear out there. There are games which focus on individual elements of the game, sure. But none which blend together such peculiar and diverse elements with such successful results.

The game is split into three main sections. Firstly, there's the item shop itself. Recette can dump anything from her inventory onto the shelves in the store. Stuff in the window is likely to attract customers. If she chooses to open the shop, she has to deal with a flow of customers coming in and asking for things. If they're on display, all she has to do is agree a suitable price with the customer. If they agree, cha-ching. If they disagree, Recette has one chance to make a more reasonable offer before they leave.

Simple enough. As the game progresses, though, more elements are added to this formula. For starters, in true RPG tradition, people start selling stuff to Recette, too. This can be a good way for her to build up stock, as she can often get stuff for knock-down prices with a bit of shrewd haggling. Then people will place special orders, requesting that she deliver, say, three hats in two days' time. Recette has to not only make sure she has the hats in stock but also remember to have the store open when the customer plans to return. And finally, some customers will come in not quite sure of what they want, and Recette will have to make recommendations from the stock she has on display and in her inventory.

It's a straightforward mechanic, and you soon get to know how much certain customers are willing to pay over base prices. A few twists come in later with a news ticker informing Recette of increased or decreased prices in the market, but it's mostly a case of buy low, sell high.

If Recette chooses to leave the store, she can wander around town and occasionally bump into the people who frequent her store. These come in the form of random townsfolk and adventurers. Completing requests for adventurers will sometimes net her their Guild Card, which enables her to make use of them for expeditions to the local dungeons.

Yes, there are dungeons. Because sometimes the local markets just don't have the things people want to buy. When that's the case, Recette is free to pop down to the local Adventurers' Guild and hire one of the guildies she's made friends with. It's then into an action-RPG dungeon crawler to kick monster booty and gather lots of crap that people might want to buy.

It works, brilliantly well. The item shop stuff occurs quickly enough that it never gets tiresome. The storytelling scenes feature attractive artwork and a truly excellent localisation from the Japanese. And the dungeon-crawling, while simplistic, is fun and satisfying, broken up by regular boss battles and in-dungeon special events.

The whole game is distinctly adorable, but deceptive. The artwork, music and squeaky-voiced Japanese girls make it look like something which should be incredibly embarrassing and cringeworthy to play. But in fact, there's a distinctly acidic sense of humour underneath all the sweetness, and a large number of the dialogue exchanges are genuinely laugh-out-loud funny. The kawaii presentation coupled with fairly sophisticated, intelligent humour and a wonderfully self-aware nature reminds me a lot of the Disgaea series.

I'm probably about halfway through the game now, having made two of Recette's repayments successfully. There's the hints of a bigger plot at work, and a bunch of new characters have been introduced, most of whom will presumably end up being playable adventurers for the dungeoneering sections.

If you're after something that is both comfortably familiar and quite different to any JRPG you've ever played, then Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale is well worth checking out. I fully intend on posting a full review somewhere once I've beaten it.

#oneaday, Day 315: Mad, Bad, Sad, Glad Men

I started watching Mad Men recently thanks to the generous loan of the Season One and Two DVDs from my old school friend and fine, upstanding gentleman Mr Andy Plummer, with whom I met up with for the first time in nearly ten years recently. Of the last two times I saw Mr Andy Plummer, the first involved the pair of us, drunk as skunks, consuming a pound of Tesco Value Mild Cheddar cheese between us at about 3 o'clock in the morning. No bread, no crackers, just cheese. It seemed like a fantastic thing to do at the time. The second time involved someone (I forget exactly who, though I know for certain it wasn't me) vomiting copiously out of a mutual friend's bedroom window onto the corrugated plastic roof of their student house's conservatory. The next morning involved dangling a mop out of the window and attempting to remove the… actually, this is completely beside the point, not to mention disgusting so I shall leave the rest to your imagination.

Anyway, Mad Men. I didn't know anything about it prior to watching it save that it was set in the 60s, featured the delectable and hefty-bosomed Christina Hendricks and involved a character named Don Draper. Beyond that, I just know that a lot of people whose opinion I trust and respect were going crazy over it, so I figured I probably ought to check it out.

I'm glad I did. I'm taking my time getting through the series as it's the sort of show that you have to pay attention to. The characters featured, while mostly obnoxious, chauvinistic pigs, are all individual and interesting, and you end up liking them against your better judgement. Or if not "liking", then at least being interested in seeing what happens to them next. Draper, in particular, has a lot of baggage which may go some distance to explaining why he is the way he is.

The upshot of the characters being such arses all the time is that when one of them does show some humanity and vulnerability, it's extremely affecting. Towards the end of the first season (trying to avoid spoilers here for those who intend to watch it), one character takes very ill, for example, and the fact he's shown to be a human being with real emotions as he faces his own mortality is a deeply affecting, poignant moment.

One of the best things about the show is its casual acceptance that it is the 1960s and Life Was Different Then. Characters drink and smoke to excess without a second thought. No-one has ever heard of "drunk driving", or if they have then no-one cares. Parents get their kids to mix their cocktails. Disciplining children through the medium of giving them a good hiding is accepted and even, in some cases, encouraged. And there are constant references to events that really happened throughout the time period. But it never feels like the show is ramming "IT'S 1960!!" down your throat—it feels like a natural, organic setting and after a few episodes of culture shock, you're right there with them. Just make sure you come out again afterwards.

If I could level a criticism at the show it's that I'm not sure where it's "going". It's very character-driven and there doesn't appear to be much of an overarching "plot" as such. This is fine, as I'm a fan of character-driven material, and the developments through which even minor characters in the show go are fascinating, entertaining, often amusing or tragic to watch. I've certainly found myself flip-flopping back and forth on a number of characters, thinking they were arrogant, greasy, disgusting assholes one minute and figures to be pitied the next.

Where it'll all end, I have no idea. But I'm certainly enjoying the ride so far.

#oneaday, Day 314: In Which I Spoil The Crap Out Of DEADLY PREMONITION

I beat DEADLY PREMONITION tonight and made the confident announcement that it was, barring any last-minute wonders, very much my Game of the Year for 2010. It won't be everyone's Game of the Year for 2010 by any means, for various reasons. But personally speaking, it's very much the most satisfying gaming experience I've had all year. Which is nice.

Throughout the course of this post, I am going to spoil the crap out of the game, so if you haven't beaten it and are intending to, you may wish to skip this one. If you have no intention of beating the game, feel free to stick around. And if you have beaten the game, you're probably in a similar position to me right now.

I can pin down DEADLY PREMONITION's appeal to me on a personal level very simply. It takes elements from two of my favourite game series of all time—Silent Hill and Persona—and blends them together to produce a game which skitters precariously along the boundary between madness and sanity and somehow doesn't ever completely fall into the trap of "indecipherable nonsense".

First, the Persona angle. DEADLY PREMONITION's world of the town of Greenvale is a well-realised one. As you progress through the game, you get to know the layout of the town and the routines of its residents. You also get to know each and every one of the residents throughout the course of the story. If you choose to take on the 50 "side missions", then you get to know many of the characters very well indeed. This is just like Persona's Social Link system: optional material which fleshes out the game world and its characters enormously. If you take your time to enjoy this material, then events which occur later in the story take on much greater emotional significance as you really "know" the people concerned. It also means that when the time finally comes to say goodbye to Greenvale at the end of the game, it's a difficult thing to do.

Next, the Silent Hill angle. It becomes very apparent early in the game that protagonist Francis York Morgan is not all he seems. For starters, he spends a huge amount of his time conversing with someone you can't see named Zach. For much of the game, it seems that "Zach" is a cypher through which York can communicate directly with the player. Indeed, it certainly seems that way when York asks a question of Zach and it's up to the player to choose Zach's response.

But the wonderful thing about DEADLY PREMONITION's story is that we get to know York very well as the narrative progresses. It becomes apparent that he is scarred mentally by something terrible which happened in his past—his father killing his mother, and then himself. As the investigation into the murders in Greenvale proceeds, it becomes apparent to York why this incident took place. He accepts why his father did it when he is put into the exact same situation—the person he loves is "soiled" with the red seeds the murderer is so obsessed with. With this acceptance, York also admits who he really is—he is Zach, and York is the dual personality he invented to deal with the situation, not the other way around.

York's mental scars show themselves in other ways, too—any time he begins profiling the killer and tracking down clues with which to determine what happened, he lapses into a dark "Other World", much like Dark Silent Hill. It's never explained exactly why this happens, but my belief upon beating the game is that the things seen as York and Zach aren't to be taken literally. We can tell this by the fact that Zach fights a giant, monstrous version of Kaysen at the end of the game as the town's iconic clock tower lies in ruins, yet when everything gets back to "normal", the clock tower is perfectly intact. Similarly, after fighting George as a giant, muscular "immortal" monster, he dies as a normal man. My guess is that York and Zach view these monstrous people simply as monsters, perhaps to distance him/themself from their "humanity". This is also borne out by the fact that when York visits Diane's art gallery with George and Emily and Greenvale apparently becomes "Other Greenvale", they don't comment on it at all—because they don't see it.

Of course, a question is raised when Emily has to rescue York from the clock tower—she sees the Other World and the creatures. Why? Is it because she has come to understand and love York and is seeing things the way he does? Perhaps. The fact that this isn't explained may be unsatisfying to some people, but I like the fact that there are some questions which are open to interpretation.

I could be wrong about all of this, of course. I'm sure there's plenty of interpretations all over the web by now—I haven't looked at them yet. But the fact that a game offers such scope for discussion and interpretation is admirable.

Deep part over. Let's also talk about some of the quirky things that make DEADLY PREMONITION such a memorable game. For one, the music. There are several points throughout the game where the only rational explanation for the choice of music is to be as inappropriate as possible. Take, for example, Emily following the dog Willie to track down the missing York. This sequence is accompanied by what can only be described as Latino J-hip-hop-electronica. Somehow it works.

By far the most striking use of bizarre music, though, is a flashback sequence where the player controls the Raincoat Killer, who is running through the town of Greenvale slaughtering anyone who gets in his way with a gigantic axe. The musical accompaniment to this scene? A really quite beautiful version of Amazing Grace. The juxtaposition between the music and the horrors taking place on screen actually ends up being profoundly emotional, and sets the tone for the last part of the game, which is a veritable rollercoaster of drama and emotion.

I think my favourite thing, though, is that despite the fact the game appears to be a horror/crime story, there's a convincing love story element to it, too. The growing feelings between York (or, specifically, Zach) and Emily throughout the course of the game is handled incredibly well. The love story reaches its peak just as Emily is killed, making what could have been a ridiculous scene—she pulls a whole tree out of her stomach, for heaven's sake—one with considerable impact and shock value, and one which spurs the player, York and Zach on to see the whole debacle through to its conclusion. It's also refreshing to see a game which isn't afraid to end some of its story threads in tragedy for principal characters.

I could rabbit on about this game for hours, but at a little over 1,000 words I'll end that there. Several members of The Squadron of Shame are interested in recording a special DEADLY PREMONITION podcast at some point. If you've beaten it and you're interested in joining us for some discussion (I'm looking at you, Raze, Schilling) then let me know and perhaps you can be a special guest. You can also drop by the Squawkbox and share your thoughts there, too.

So with that, then, it's back to Fallout: New Vegas as the next entry in the Pile of Shame, I believe I said.

#oneaday, Day 313: The Pile of Shame, November 2010 Edition

We're coming up on holiday season. If you're American, it's already started with Thanksgiving. And you know what that means if you're a gamer: Steam sales.

Steam sales are terrible, awful things in the most wonderful way imaginable. Top quality games up to 90% off their regular price. Bundles of games a fraction of the cost of their individual components. And, of course, the resignation to the fact that your Pile of Shame will inevitably be getting bigger, because after all, you'd be stupid not to purchase these games while they're so cheap, right?

Right. Glad we're on the same page. With that in mind, and with my broke-and-unemployed status in mind, I thought I would attempt to list my current Pile(s) of Shame in an attempt to convince me that I don't really need Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, despite the fact that I'd very much like to play the multiplayer with the Squadron of Shame.

All right. Here goes. Let's start with the least-depressing part of the list:

Games I'm Currently Playing And Intend To Finish Before Playing Or Buying Anything Else, Dammit

Deadly Premonition (Xbox 360) – fantastic game, and contender for Game of the Year 2010 in my eyes. Definite contender for "most memorable protagonist of all time" and "best ensemble cast". And "worst use of next-gen graphics technology", but that's really not the issue here.

Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit (Xbox 360) – one of the most entertaining driving games I've ever played, and looking likely to be the second driving game I ever beat, after Split/Second. I would beat this much quicker if the stupid Autolog "YOUR FRIEND BEAT YOU BY 0.02 SECONDS! DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GO AND BEAT THEM?!" thing wasn't in place… but that's part of the fun.

Pac-Man Championship Edition DX (Xbox 360) – You can't "finish" this, unless you give up on it after getting all the Achievements, which you will do after approximately 30 minutes of play. But it's worth noting that this is perhaps the perfect retro reimagining. It's Pac-Man, but not Pac-Man. It has the perfect blend of frantic gameplay coupled with some modes that actually force you to think quite a bit.

Games I Stopped Playing When I Got Deadly Premonition But Intend To Go Back To When I've Finished Deadly Premonition, Dammit

Fallout: New Vegas (Xbox 360) – Controversial to some, but I was enjoying this a bunch more than Fallout 3. I'm a particular fan of how much the main quest appears to branch.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow (PS3) – Epic is not the word. A stunning soundtrack and the most gorgeous graphics I've seen since Uncharted 2. Looking forward to getting back into this one.

Games I Think I Should Probably Play At Some Point But Don't Own, Dammit

Assassin's Creed, Assassin's Creed II, Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood – I played a bit of the first one and enjoyed it, but traded it in when something better came out, as I recall. I'd like to go back to it and play through the whole series, up to and including Brotherhood. The multiplayer in Brotherhood is a lot of fun, for sure.

The Mario Galaxy series – I have not played a mainline Mario game since Sunshine, which I didn't like much. I hear the two Galaxies are rather good, though.

Games I'm Not Sure If I Want But Think I Might At Some Point, Maybe When They're A Bit Cheaper, Like After Christmas, Dammit

Gran Turismo 5 (PS3) – I said on Twitter yesterday that I probably wouldn't bother with this, but I've since watched a few videos and read a few bits and pieces and it sounds potentially interesting, if a bit flawed in its current state. I like cars, too, though I don't know anything about gear ratios and whatnot, apart from the fact my friend Woody and I once got some Mitsubishi thing up to over 300km/h in the original Gran Turismo by playing with gear ratios and not really knowing what we were doing.

Fable III (Xbox 360) – I really enjoyed Fable II, late to the party as I was, and I was impressed with Fable III's initial showing at the Eurogamer Expo. But reports of it have been far too mixed for my liking, coupled with the fact that you can exploit the game's main "moral dilemma" by simply leaving your console turned on overnight for a couple of days. Still, I like the voice cast, I like the concept and I do like the Fable world, so perhaps I'll come to this one very late like I did with Fable II.

And now, the main event(s). I'm going to split this into several lists to be less depressing.

Games I Own And Haven't Played At All Yet And Feel A Bit Bad About, Dammit

Steam

And Yet It Moves
Gish
HeXen II
Jade Empire
Jolly Rover
King's Bounty: The Legend
Multiwinia
Puzzle Agent
Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale
Sam & Max 105, 106, 201, 202, 203, 204, 205
Time Gentlemen, Please!
Unreal II
Unreal Tournament 2004
Unreal Tournament 3
X-COM: Terror from the Deep
X-COM: Apocalypse

Console

killer7 (PS2)
Resident Evil 4 (PS2)
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (PS2)

Games I Have Played Before (Maybe A Few Times) And Enjoyed, And Intend To Go Back And Finish Sometime (Probably Restarting From The Beginning… Again) Because They Were Rather Good, Really, Dammit

Steam/PC

Aquaria
Darwinia
The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
King's Bounty: Armored Princess
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead 2
Mount & Blade
Peggle Nights
Plants vs Zombies
Torchlight
TrackMania United
Trials 2
Unreal Gold
Vampire: Bloodlines
The Witcher
World of Goo
X-COM: UFO Defense
Baldur's Gate II
Icewind Dale
Ghost Master
Realms of Arkania
Myst
Riven
URU
Martian Memorandum
Mean Streets

Handhelds

Professor Layton and the Curious Village (DS)
Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (GBA)
R-Type Command (PSP)
Ratchet and Clank: I Forgot The Subtitle (PSP)
Final Fantasy Tactics (PSP, though I have beaten the PS1 version)

Xbox LIVE Arcade

Castle Crashers
Lode Runner
Peggle
Perfect Dark
Puzzle Quest
Rocket Riot
Shadow Complex
Splosion Man
Super Meat Boy

Consoles

ICO (PS2)
Shadow of the Colossus (PS2)
Project Zero (aka Fatal Frame, PS2)
Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy (PS2)
Persona 3: FES (PS2)
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (PS2)
Final Fantasy XII (PS2)
Darksiders (PS3)
Final Fantasy XIII (PS3)
3D Dot Game Heroes (PS3)
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories (Wii)
Zak and Wiki Make A Porno… wait, that's not right, whatever it was called (Wii)
Demon's Souls (PS3)
Disgaea 3 (aka The Game I Always Forget I Actually Own, PS3)

Games I Own But Will Probably Never Finish Even If I Kept Playing Them Non-Stop Until The End Of Time, Either Because Of Immense Difficulty Or Sheer Volume Of Content Therein But I'm Still Glad I Played Them, Dammit

Alien Hominid HD (XBLA, difficulty)
Braid (XBLA, difficulty, overratedness)
Forza 3 (Xbox 360, volume of content)
Trials 2: SE (Steam, difficulty)

Games I Own And Have Finished But Would Like To Go Back And Replay Or 100% Or Achievement Whore Them, Dammit

Dragon Age: Origins (Xbox 360, would like to play Awakening too)
Bayonetta (Xbox 360)
Canis Canem Edit/Bully (PS2, though I'd like to try the Xbox 360 version)
Persona 4 (PS2)
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (Steam)
Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers (PC)

Sooo… maybe I don't need to play the Assassin's Creed series just yet, huh.

#oneaday, Day 312: Quest Complete: C25K

I've been somewhat short of what one might call "victories" recently. In fact, most of my endeavours for the last I-don't-know-how-long-now have ended in what could politely be called failure. As such, I've been in a bit of a funk recently, getting very tired of… well, everything, really.

So when an actual, genuine, bona fide victory-slash-achievement rears its head, by golly I'm going to celebrate it.

Tonight I completed the nine week Couch 2 5K running programme, introduced to me by one Mr Calin Grajko, who is a really cool guy and, I have it on good authority, doesn't afraid of anything. I've mentioned this a few times previously, but for those of you who can't be bothered to look back a few entries, have joined me recently or who are having trouble finding exactly what you want using the search box (which is fine by me), let me explain.

Over the course of nine weeks, you go from being someone who "can't run" to someone who, well, can. The first week begins with you running for a minute at a time, then walking for 90 seconds, then repeating this process several times. Each week ups the ante somewhat until you reach the final week when, in theory, you should be able to run for 30 minutes at a time without stopping.

When I started the programme, I seriously doubted that I'd ever be able to do more than a couple of minutes at a time. I deliberately hadn't looked at what horrors the end of the programme had to offer because I figured the system shock would just put me off and demotivate me. So it was a genuine surprise each week to find out what I'd be doing. It was a big surprise in the last few weeks when the jumps started getting bigger.

But I'm pleased to announce that I can now run for 30 minutes without stopping. It's not easy, sure, and I'm not quite at that elusive 5K distance just yet (not far off, though—my best distance in 30 minutes is 2.99 miles, just under the 3.1 miles that roughly equates to a 5K) but I figure I can get there with a bit more training. Tonight, I felt a noticeable increase in my speed, for example, though that disappeared with the hilly bits towards the end of tonight's run.

The important thing with any exercise regime is motivation, and making sure you keep this motivation flowing in both the short and long term. By "short term", I mean "while you're doing your exercise", and by "long term" I mean "the duration of the programme and beyond".

Through this programme, I think I've got both of those things pretty comfortably sorted. The long-term motivation is handled nicely by the programme itself—making constant, regular, measurable progress is motivation in and of itself. Plus telling friends that you've completed week whatever-it-is is something you can genuinely take pride in, particularly if your friends are appreciative of what you've been trying to do.

The short-term motivation—keeping going while in the middle of a session—can be harder. If you run out of energy, you run out of energy. Part of this is about pacing yourself, but it's also about not getting too bored of what you're doing as well.

As such, I have made sure to have some banging playlists on my iPhone while out on my running sessions, matched reasonably well-ish with the timings of each session. Me being me, these songs have mostly fallen into the video game soundtrack category. Conveniently, though, the generally regular tempo and "inspiring" nature of a lot of game music makes it entirely appropriate for use in exercising. So without further pontificating on the philosophy of exercise (there are plenty of people out there who can comment on it with much more authority than I) I will share with you my playlist for tonight's run. iPhone users, tap the song titles to play the tunes. Everyone else, you should have a fancy-pants Flash player to play each song with.

Warm-Up: The Elite (from Split/Second)

The Split/Second soundtrack was a fixture on my playlists. For the first few weeks, my playlist consisted solely of the Split/Second soundtrack. Because it's awesome. And free. But this song in particular was an excellent warm-up track because it builds up a bit at a time. There's also a spooky bit in the middle with jangly guitars that is great when you're going out at night-time. During this piece, I was doing my 5-minute walk as a warmup for the main event.

Get Ready: Operation Briefing (from Trauma Center: Second Opinion)

The sole reason this song is in there is so that the woman on the GetRunning app which gives verbal coaching for the C25K programme has something unnecessarily dramatic to talk over while she's briefing you about how long you'll be running for. Timing the start of playback perfectly will mean that you start running with the next piece, which is…

Go!: Friend (from Bayonetta)

If you've never played Bayonetta, know that it's a study in glorious excess. SPOILER: There is a bit where you ride a motorbike up a rocket into space in order to go and rescue the titular Bayonetta, who has gotten herself trapped in the crystalline eye of God, who happens to be a large female statue that is more than a bit pissed off. This music is from that bit. And it's awesome. It's also perfect music to get you pumped up and moving. The tempo is a good pace for running to.

Jenova Returns (from Final Fantasy VII, OCRemix album)

And so begins a set of Final Fantasy VII pieces, or more specifically some awesome remixes by the immensely talented community at OCRemix. When this piece gets all dramatic in the middle, I was just hitting my stride tonight. Which was good.

Beginning of the End (from Final Fantasy VII, OCRemix album)

This is one of my favourite pieces from FFVII. The original version always used to get my pulse racing as the final battle with Sephiroth began. Used at this point in the playlist, I was just starting to feel the proverbial "burn" a bit, and the overdramatic nature of it helped push me through.

Black Wing Metamorphosis (from Final Fantasy VII, OCRemix album)

This is a great, creative remix of the song that everyone knows from FFVII—the final boss theme, One Winged Angel. Bad-ass choirs and screaming guitars? That sounds like motivation to me.

Final Battle: Opportunity (from Skies of Arcadia)

You may be spotting something of a pattern with these pieces. Since it was my last run, I figured I'd make it something of an "occasion" with some ridiculously overdramatic music. The Skies of Arcadia final boss theme is neat because it starts ominous, threatening and dramatic and turns triumphant and victorious by the end. In-game, these changes happened according to how well the battle was going, so you could tell aurally when you were winning. Knowing this sent me subconscious signals that I was on the home straight.

Possibly.

Panic Attack (by Dream Theater)

I loved this song ever since I first encountered it in Rock Band 2, where it gave my fingers something of a workout. And cramp. It's also, like, deep and stuff, cause I can, like, totally relate to the lyrics and whatnot, yeah?

In an exercise sense, it's fast, gets the adrenaline flowing and has the line "rapid heartbeat pounding in my chest" in the middle of it. So it's, like, appropriate.

Of course, it also has the line "I am terrified, so afraid to die" in it. Which, depending on your fitness level, may also be appropriate.

Navras (from The Matrix Revolutions)

Ever since I first heard this piece, I thought it would be an awesome accompaniment to some sort of final battle. In fact, a variation on this piece called Neodämmerung is used in the final battle with Mr Smith in The Matrix Revolutions. This piece, to my mind, though, is superior and is only used in the end credits.

So why not have this piece as the grand finale to the nine-week push? Why not indeed. Conveniently, my 30 minutes were up just as it got to the slow bit in the middle, so I got to cool down to some trippy floaty ethnic-sounding warbling. Which was nice.

So, in summary, then? Keep your motivation up (possibly through the use of some banging tunes) and you can achieve whatever goal you want. I've achieved one, which is something of a relief after so many things that have gone wrong over the last couple of years.

Now, just another 50-something posts to go to achieve another goal…

#oneaday, Day 311: Monstrosities of the Indie Marketplace

As I have mentioned once or twice previously, the Xbox LIVE Indie Games Marketplace is a veritable treasure-trove of unappreciated hidden gems of gaming.

It's also an uncleaned litter tray of some of the worst fecal matter you'll ever have the misfortune to play. Still, all credit to those developers for actually finishing a project and getting out there for the public to at least try out. And if they sell just one "pity copy", then they can call themselves a professional game developer.

Even if their game is one of the following, which I have exhaustively researched (well, played the trials of) in order to bring you today's blog post, featuring the very worst the Indie Marketplace has to offer.

Well, perhaps not the very worst. I was highly scientific in the games I chose: I picked the ones with the ugliest or cheesiest cover art on the marketplace or, in one case, the most hilarious title. And here are my results.

Spring Break in Zombie USA

This game promises "action" and "driving". In practice, it's a twin-stick shooter where you have to press a fire button as well as move the right-stick, and occasionally you jump into a car and drive up a vertically-scrolling road that is completely straight with no obstacles on it whatsoever.

The concept is that you are racing down to Spring Break to rescue your sister, who has, as these things tend to go, got stuck in a zombie apocalypse. It's up to you, as either a long-haired rocker dude or a pimped-out black guy with a bitchin' hat (presumably it's an adoptive sister to one or both of them) to shoot lots of MS Paint zombies that take entirely too many bullets to take down and move too fast for you to be able to escape or kill them before they "get" you.

Oh well. At least the soundtrack is actually reasonably good, at least on the title screen.

Pie Collect

The title of this one is extremely literal. You play a small orb known as a "sweeper", whose job it is to collect pies, which are inexplicably floating in space. Collecting a pie releases an evil orb, which moves back and forth or up and down across the screen. There are a few powerups, but you only have one life.

It has a certain Crystal Quest-esque charm about it, but any challenge in the game is entirely negated by the "safe zone" at the bottom of the screen, represented by a picnic blanked that is also inexplicably floating in space, and allows you to safely navigate around all the orbs, putting you at minimal risk.

A Game you can't BEAT!!

Erratic capitalisation is as the game represents itself on the Marketplace. This is essentially one of those Impossible Game-style things where you control some sort of inanimate object/shape and have to jump and not die. In this case, you control one of three different balls, and there is a simultaneous two-player mode.

It's extremely difficult but there is little to no incentive to try again, though there are a few quasi-Achievement medals to chase in the full version. But when the "Easy course" repeatedly kills you after approximately eight seconds every time, that's just taking difficulty a little too far.

Valet Parking, Inc.

This one wins the "cheesiest artwork" award, with a girl in a "sexy parking attendant" costume on the cover art who clearly has nothing to do with the game whatsoever beside a rough association with the theme of the game, which is parking cars.

It's actually a moderately-interesting idea for a game. Cars show up, you park them wherever you like, keep an eye on the clock and give them back to appropriately-coloured customers when they return. You also have "hunger" and "stamina" meters that gradually deplete as you run around and spend time doing your job, so you have to take a break every so often.

Trouble is, the cars handle really weirdly. They seem to rotate around their back wheels, which makes controlling them somewhat troublesome. They also have a weird acceleration curve that goes "slow… slow… slow… SUDDENLY FAST"

The graphics are entertainingly mid-90s pre-rendered, too. And the in-game clock can't handle times that have "00" as the minutes value, so the clock moves from "12:59" straight to "13:01", for example.

Still, with a bit of polish this could actually be a moderately fun "time management" game. You can tell it's the best by the fact I've written more than two paragraphs on it.

Super Janitoroid

Obviously intended to be some sort of Super Metroid spoof, this game stars an Aussie janitor represented by a crudely-drawn body with a digitised head atop it. He is armed with a badly-drawn mop which can attack horizontally and vertically, and there's a large map to explore in a Metroid stylee.

It also has one of the most horrendously awful frame rates I've ever seen on an Xbox 360 game, which makes your eyes go squiffy after a while. Assuming they haven't already gone squiffy from the bizarre graphics.

Techno Kitten Adventure

Save the best for last. Techno Kitten Adventure is a single-button game in which you control a kitten with a jetpack as it attempts to fly around a series of box-shaped obstacles.

The twist with this game is the horrendously awful Euro-dance soundtrack which is annoyingly catchy. This fact is made even worse by the titter-inducing fact that the background animates according to the lyrics of the song, featuring rainbows flowing past, falling stars, throbbing techno laser light shows and lots and lots of flashing lights.

This game is worth playing purely to see its hilarious "interactive music video" nature. Thankfully, you don't actually have to play it, as the song and background animation continue even while you're waiting at the "press A to start" screen, meaning you can watch the whole thing without having to purchase the game. Which is probably for the best.

—

So there you go. I've played those games so you don't have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices that I've made for you. And you really should play Techno Kitten Adventure to appreciate its horrendous…ness.

I'm trying not to be too harsh on these games, though. Because the thing is, I couldn't make something half as good as Techno Kitten Adventure. I wouldn't know where to start with programming for the 360. So, as bizarre and, in some cases, awful as these games are, you should at least give the developers some props for getting out there, trying to make something and having the guts to release it to the world so people like me can rip them to shreds on blogs they'll never read.

So fair play, guys. I'm sure it's all good practice.

#oneaday, Day 310: Don't Be Hatin'

Somehow I don't think that anyone who is reading this blog will fall into the category that I'm about to talk about, but I'll direct this at everyone generally just in case.

Have you used any kind of expression involving the word "haters" recently in a non-ironic sense? I have one simple request to you: stop it. You sound like an idiot.

I don't know who was the first person to decide that posting something along the lines of "I don't give a fuck about the haters" (or, more accurately, usually "i dont giv a fuk abt da haterz!!!") was a great idea and made them look Deep And Stuff™, but it's a plague on far too many people on the Internet, many of whom are clearly desperately wishing they were from a socioeconomic and/or ethnic group other than their own.

The latest person to come out with some such bullshit was none other than British Formula 1 racing driver, Lewis Hamilton, who earlier tweeted "To those of u who care, thanks for ur support, am on here for u. To all u haters…I jus don't give a fuck haha" [sic]. The tweet has since been removed, suggesting one of two possibilities: 1) McLaren got in touch and told Lewis to stop pretending to be 50 Cent (who tweets nonsense like that all the time, but inexplicably occasionally censors himself when he says "shit") or 2) the tweet wasn't by him in the first place. Either are entirely plausible.

But let's assume, for the sake of rantitude, that it actually was Hamilton. Twitter promptly exploded at the fact that a high-profile sports personality who normally came across as a nice, if rather boring, young man on television knows the "fuck" word. Some people even seemed to think that his "taking a stand" like this was somehow admirable. I thought it made him come across as a bit of a cock.

The thing is, in my experience, any time I've seen anyone coming out with the "screw u haterz" nonsense, they are desperately insecure and usually spoiling for a fight. Perhaps they like to post unpopular views, troll forums or simply act like a complete penis online. Never once have I come across someone who posts in full sentences and understands what punctuation is who has said "I don't give a fuck abt da haterz" or similar.

The knock-on effect of this is that it causes people like me, who put a lot of stock in the written word, to judge the people who say this sort of thing, perhaps unfairly. Nine times out of ten (I made that up) the people who post things in this manner online are white middle-class teenagers who desperately, desperately wish they were a street-smart hip-hop gangsta, yo, preferably packing a piece. (I feel extremely middle-class and very English just typing those words. Oh well. Fine by me.) Quite why they want to come across as a "thug" (their word) is beyond me.

So, then, consider it a warning. If you start talking about "haters" and your indifference towards them, I will judge you. And it will not be a favourable judgement.

And Lewis Hamilton? If that was you tweeting that nonsense, I now think you are a cock instead of simply a moderately boring person. Guess I'm a "hater". At least you don't give a fuck.

#oneaday, Day 309: One Of Those Days

Nearly everyone I've spoken to has had an absolutely terrible day today. If you are one of those people who has had a terrible day, I offer my sympathies, condolences, fistbumps, high fives, whattups, hugs, manly nipple tweaks or cock-punches (take your pick) and understand entirely if you're currently feeling a bit less-than-optimum.

Me, I'm right there with you. I too have had a pretty rubbish day. For starters, I had a job interview. That in itself is not, in fact, rubbish. It's something which should be celebrated and applauded, given the length of time I've been jobhunting without success. However, the fact that I drove 120 miles for said interview only to discover at the interview that the job in question was only likely to be for four or five hours a week? That was rather more irritating. Particularly as the interview itself was lengthy, stressful and presided over by one quite attractive and pleasant woman and one rather rude lady. I spent the whole day with bubbling bowels, and for what? Naff all, it seems.

I then had to drive 120 miles back home. Fortunately, I'd done the driving there last night, as I didn't fancy going there and back in one day. But, as luck would have it, tonight was National Traffic And Roadworks Appreciation Day, with everyone driving extra-slowly to admire the one set of roadworks on the M25, then the next set of roadworks on the M25, then the roadworks in the Hatfield Tunnel on the A1(M), then the roadworks about two miles further up on the A1(M). All told, it took somewhere in the region of A Very Long Time to get home, during which I was feeling very tired and a bit embittered at the fact I'd pretty much wasted a day I could have spent doing far better and/or more productive things.

Sadly, the surprises the day had to offer didn't end there, either. I knew that today I'd be hearing from another job—one that I was particularly enthusiastic about and very much looking forward to the possibility of doing—so I was prepared, but feeling reasonably confident after my interview and my contact with the employers in question. Unfortunately, it was not to be. Apparently I was near the top of the list, just not top of the list. Perhaps it was one of those situations where they just had to pick one person or the other. And, as luck would have it, it wasn't me.

In some senses, it's a bit of a lottery, applying for a job you really want. Because all the preparation in the world, all the confidence you exude in the interview, all the important buzzwords you try and drop into conversation, all the thought-provoking questions you provide; sometimes it just comes down to a simple choice. And sometimes that choice isn't going to favour you.

I just kind of think it's about time one of those choices did favour me, hmm?

#oneaday, Day 308: Google Is Your Middleman Preventing Effective Communication

Ladies and gentlemen, we are afflicted with a plague of the Information Age. The plague of "Google/the search bar is your friend". A plague of laziness, if you will, as this is a catch-all response which makes it look like you're being vaguely helpful and/or knowledgeable when in fact all you're doing is being an arrogant asshole and trying to get out of answering a question as quickly as possible.

Google is wonderful, of course. It is generally possible to find the information you're looking for quite quickly, especially if you're familiar with some of those handy tips and tricks on how to phrase your search query. But sometimes—just sometimes—you want a human response to a question. So you ask people. You might ask them on a forum. You might ask them on Twitter. You might email someone and ask about it.

If you receive one of these emails/tweets/forum posts and instinctively go for the "insert 'Google is your friend' template", I have one request.

Stop it.

Sometimes when someone is asking a question, they don't just want an answer. They want to open a discussion. They want to find out who knows things so they can get a better understanding of that person or the community. They might be new to the community and unaware that the question has been asked before. Or they might—get this—have already tried Googling it, been confronted with "about 7,190,000 results" in "0.23 seconds" ("how to change a lightbulb", for the curious) and been understandably intimidated, or unsure which one of the often-conflicting pages to believe.

Okay, "how to change a lightbulb" is perhaps a bad example as there aren't many pages out there that helpfully inform you that the best way to change a lightbulb is to stick it up your arse and then attempt to fart it into the socket. But take a question about, say, philosophy or a political perspective. Tons of pages out there are biased one way or another, and as such it might not be clear which one is the "correct" perspective. True, asking a person the same question is also open to bias. But at least when you're dealing with a person, you have the opportunity to question their point of view and for them to justify it.

Actually, instructional "how-to" guides aren't such a bad example. Let's say you have a non-standard light fitting, as I did in the bathroom of my old flat. I was unable to work out how to remove the cover for it as I didn't know what the fitting was called. I posted a photo online and people gave some suggestions. Eventually, I levered it off with the help of a stepladder and a teaspoon. I now consider myself adequately qualified to be able to help someone else in the same position, because surely I can't have been the only person in the world with a light fitting like that. So if anyone asks me about it, I'm not going to ram their face into Google, which they've probably already done. I'm going to give them an answer, even if said answer is readily available elsewhere on the Internet.

If you're a "Google is your friend"-er, then try taking just an extra minute or two out of your undoubtedly busy schedule to help someone out. You might find they appreciate it, rather than getting arsey about you sounding like a big know-it-all. So stop hiding behind Google and help a brotha/sista out. You might learn something, too.

#oneaday, Day 307: Wait. Terry Wait. Overwait. Call The Wait-er.

How much time do you think you waste every year waiting for things to happen? Whether it's waiting for the phone to ring, the response to an email, the answer to a question, an alarm to go off, someone to call you into their office or for your delicious improvised curry sauce to thicken, chances are you spend a good proportion of your time waiting for things to happen or for other people to do things.

Just think how much more we could all get done without all this waiting. Consider how long it takes someone from any Government agency to write back to you, drawing out what is usually an unpleasant process (why else would you be writing to an arm of the Government, were it not to complain about something?) even longer than necessary. Perhaps your question was a simple one that can be answered with one word—the words "yes" and "no" were invented for exactly this situation—but no. More often than not you'll receive a letter back informing you that they're "unable to action your correspondence" or, in English, "not able to reply to your letter" and demanding further details that you've already given them at least fifteen times.

This sort of thing is annoying and, in this age of instant communication, bordering on inexcusable. Who writes letters any more, anyway, for starters? Wake up and smell the electronics.

The trouble with taking this attitude, though, is that it starts to filter into other parts of your life. You find yourself wondering why the text message you sent thirty seconds ago hasn't been replied to yet, without thinking that the recipient may just have better things to do than respond to a message that simply says "COCK! PISS! PARTRIDGE!" because they might, in fact, have a job to do. You forget the context of a reply on Twitter because someone replied to something you posted four hours ago. And in the meantime, you sit staring at your computer screen, iPhone or, in the worst possible scenarios, your wall or ceiling. Because you might get that response you need in the next thirty seconds/minute/half an hour/hour/day and you couldn't possibly do anything useful in the meantime. But of course you can't send another message following it up because that's pushy and rude and you don't want to look like an asshole.

Well, bollocks to it. We need an inversion of this situation, where "important" things get resolved quickly rather than are "endeavoured to be responded to within 72 hours", and where it's okay for your friends, family and/or that hottie you texted to be quiet for a few seconds/minutes/hours/days at a time. Because let's face it, staring at a wall is marginally less productive than staring at a toaster waiting for it to pop.

Because at least if you stare at a toaster, you end up with some delicious toast. What's your wall ever going to give you?