#oneaday Day 59: Shit Happens, Life Continues

Life is complicated. And I'm not talking about my life specifically, I'm talking about the whole concept of life. People. Society. Everyone together, interacting (or not) and the strange, almost "chemical" reactions caused by one little thing that someone does having a knock-on effect and making other things happen. Chaos theory, I guess, only with less in the way of butterflies and hurricanes and whatnot.

Life is unstable, too. And again, I'm not talking about my life specifically, and I'm not talking about the "I could snap any minute and murder everyone with a claw hammer" sort of unstable, either, though for sure that is part of life's general instability. I'm talking about things you take for granted suddenly not being there any more, or changing their form, or things that you thought were lost being found once again. All of these things are things that I and countless others have experienced recently. All part of life's rich tapestry, as they say.

Things change. People change. Relationships evolve. People come together, drift apart. Sometimes stupid decisions get made. Sometimes wise decisions that hurt like hell get made. And sometimes things happen that you don't understand. Sometimes you can see decision points coming up and you have no idea which road is the right one, if any.

Life is complicated. And people say that it keeps things interesting, that life would be boring if it was predictable. And perhaps it would be. No-one likes doing the same thing over and over again. No-one likes being confined to a routine day after day, clocking in at 9 in the morning, doing the same menial task for 8 hours then clocking off again at the end only to go home to the same old house, eat the same old food and watch the same old crap on the TV. But we do it all the same.

Unpredictability may keep things interesting, but it has mixed results. Sometimes it has great results, like the reunion of two close friends after many years; friends who have the ability to pick up right where they left off as if the intervening silence was nothing but a dream. Sometimes it has life-changing results, for better or worse. Sometimes these life changes needed to happen and were a long time coming, and sometimes you couldn't possibly have imagined that they would ever happen.

And these things are happening to everyone, not just you. Someone, somewhere, knows how you feel. Someone, somewhere, understands what you're going through right now. You might not know them yet, or perhaps you do. You may have spoken to them in passing, or perhaps they're just a name on a computer screen that you've glanced before. Or perhaps they're right under your nose, waiting for the right moment to show you what it is you mean to them, and you never realised.

Life is complicated, unpredictable, strange and frustrating. And however much you think you have yourself, or other people, or the situation in general figured out, things change at a moment's notice, like a roll of a die. So perhaps you should stop trying to figure things out and understand them, strap yourself into the ride and see where it takes you.

It might be nowhere. Or it might be someplace far away. You won't know until you get there.

Bill Hicks said it far better than I could.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0]

#oneaday Day 58: Things To Do in a Traffic Jam

I like driving. It's fun. Whether you're negotiating twisty-turny country lanes, putting your foot to the floor on a motorway or simply contemplating the fact that you're actually sitting in a chair that is moving at 70 miles per hour (seriously, that's pretty mind-boggling when you consider the speed the other chairs in your life don't move at) driving is, for the most part, a pleasurable experience for those who enjoy using cars for the purpose they were designed for. (Obviously those who don't like driving or are scared of it are exempt from the above.)

There's one thing sure to spoil any nice drive, though: a traffic jam. They're a pain in the arse whether they come in the form of backed-up traffic over a narrow hump-backed bridge due to a lost sheep standing bewildered in the middle of a single-track road, gridlock in a town centre or one of those inexplicable jams that form on a motorway, force everyone to sit stationary for approximately 500 years then start moving again with absolutely no trace of whatever caused the jam at the front of it.

So that's why it's important to have a repertoire of entertainment ready. Those of you with kids will have probably played I-Spy to death. But you don't always have kids with you, and indeed sometimes you're all by yourself. So here is a selection of Things to Do in a Traffic Jam, with some suitable for solo play, others suitable for a party of disgruntled passengers to join in with.

Rev-Counter Roulette

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Stationary
Danger level: Mild peril

Put your car in neutral or at the very least, push the clutch all the way down. Players take a moment to place their bets from 1-whatever your rev counter goes up to. (Obviously you need a rev counter to play this.) When everyone has placed a bet, quickly press the accelerator pedal as hard as you like (or not). Whoever bet the closest to the highest point your rev counter reached wins and gets a travel sweet and/or the opportunity to punch everyone else in the face.

Gangster Trip-Meter

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: None

Agree a timeframe appropriate for the speed of the traffic. If it is moving a bit, five minutes. If it is going very slowly, perhaps ten minutes. Set your car's trip meter to zero and set a timer for the timeframe you decided. Place bets on what the trip meter will read at the end of the timeframe. Whoever bet the closest to the final result wins.

Optional rule: whoever bet furthest away from the final result has to remove an item of clothing, which makes the following game much more interesting if it's cold.

Master of Elements

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Any
Danger level: Slim to none

Depending on the ambient temperature, set the car's heating system to whatever will be most uncomfortable and turn the fan up to full. If it's very cold, you may also wish to open all the windows. The first person to complain that it's too hot/too cold/too windy is the loser and gets ridiculed by everyone else and/or punched in the face.

Optional rule: Strip rules may also be added to this game. Depending on the temperature, this may be a benefit or a handicap.

Frogger

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Moderate

Set yourself a time limit appropriate for the amount of traffic and the speed it is moving. For heavy and/or stationary traffic, use a longer time limit. In the time limit attempt to change lanes from the inside to the outside lane as many times as possible.

Warning: Playing this game will cause most other members of the traffic jam to think you are a complete dick. If you are driving a BMW or Mercedes, you can play this game without fear, as people will expect you to be driving like that anyway.

The World's Slowest Drag Race

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Mild peril

Set yourself a time limit and choose a target in another lane. Don't choose a BMW or Mercedes, or anyone who is obviously playing Frogger, because they'll change lanes a lot. Start the clock and see who is further ahead at the end of the time limit.

If you're driving in convoy with other people, you can play this with the other convoy members. Passengers in the losing car have to perform forfeits such as getting their bums out.

#oneaday Day 57: Startlegal Ballactegar

Board games really are great. The incredible lateness of this entry can be almost entirely attributed to them. The one which took up most of our evening was the adaptation of the new-ish Battlestar Galactica series, which I still haven't got around to seeing and really should, from everything I've heard.

Fortunately, the game doesn't require any specific knowledge of the show and doesn't appear to include any spoilers. What it does provide, however, is a lengthy cooperative experience tinged with mistrust and doubt thank to the fact that at least one player is, at some point, going to turn out to be evil. The exact manner in which this player chooses to conduct themself is part of the challenge of the game, both for the non-traitorous players and the traitor themselves.

What the game does an excellent job of is introducing just enough in the way of random elements to the mix to freak everyone out a bit while allowing the Cylon player the opportunity to subtly undermine everything the others are working for. Later in the game, too, the Cylons have the opportunity to reveal themselves and cause havoc more directly.

The game, like other co-op experiences such as Arkham Horror, initially appears deceptively complex but it's actually reasonably straightforward to play. It does, however, appear to take quite some time—again, like Arkham Horror. This is fine, but it does mean you need to set aside a substantial amount of time to play, and if you're hoping to fit a lot of games into a day of board game geekery, this may be one to save for a time when you can focus on it.

Our first attempt was an unmitigated disaster thanks to a combination of terrible luck (three Cylon fleet attacks in a row) and the fact that we had not one but two traitors in our midst, one of whom made themselves reasonably obvious almost from the outset, while the other did a masterful job of undermining things very subtly. It was an entertaining experience despite our failure to save the human race, however, and now we understand the mechanics better hopefully future play sessions will proceed much quicker. I'm looking forward to trying it again.

So of you're a fan of co-op with a touch of betrayal, Battlestar Galactica is a great game to give a shot, even if you're only familiar with the TV series in passing.

And now to bed!

#oneaday Day 56: Trendsetter

Trends are bizarre, inexplicable and ultimately meaningless if you have a mind of your own. I find it impossibly difficult to fathom sometimes how one minute something can be excellent, popular, wonderful, critically acclaimed and all manner of superlatives, then the next it is shit, awful, bollocks, crap and proof that you are a complete fuckwit if you dare to admit you like it in the company of anyone with a face.

There are few places where this is more apparent than in the world of "celebrities"—and my God how much I hate that word, but that's an entirely different story. I have one specific example in mind and that is the comedian Michael McIntyre. He appeared on the scene a year or two pack, mostly on panel shows such as Mock the Week, and he proved himself to be an entertaining, clever, well-spoken funnyman with floppy, silly hair that I could relate to. We started seeing some of his stand-up on TV, and I thought his material was very funny and a little different from other acts around at the time. At some indeterminate point in about the last year or so, it became fashionable to hate him and slag him off.

To be perfectly honest, I wonder exactly how many people who use Michael McIntyre as a whipping boy for what is supposedly the lowest of the low comedy have actually watched his whole act, and how many of them are simply following the trend. Who decided it was time to hate McIntyre? Why? Where did that "trend" originally come from? It must have started with someone and spread virally. Public opinions don't do complete U-turns without some sort of influence—and McIntyre himself is the same as he's always been.

It happens in all media too; Square's Final Fantasy series, once beloved by most gamers (or at least the ones who liked JRPGs) is now belittled and complained about by almost everyone. The games aren't any worse (I'm playing FFXIII right now and while it could be argued to be a step backwards from the complete change of direction that was FFXII, it's certainly not a bad, boring, stupid, dumb game like some people have ranted at great length about) and sure, Square could probably stand to re-release the first four games in the series a few less times and the others a few more times… but Square hate is also in fashion right now.

I'm not objecting to anyone having opinions, you understand. People are free to like or dislike whatever the hell they want, whether it's music, games, movies, books, celebrities, foods or even abstract concepts. The idea of people belittling each other based on what they enjoy, though? That's just stupid. I hate The X-Factor and related TV shows, for example, and have even moaned about them a great deal in the past. But I figured out that there was absolutely no point in doing so, because even if it is the shittest of the shit (and it is) there are people out there who enjoy it and aren't going to listen however much you try and convince them otherwise.

So here's a thought, then. Why don't we start a new trend—a trend of saying "I like this, give it a try, it's cool if you don't"? Okay, sure, as slogans go it's not the catchiest one out there. But it's better than "I hate this and you should too even if you have no idea what I'm talking about!"

#oneaday Day 55: DLC is only two letters from "DICK"

Nostalgia and rose-tinted spectacles are rife in all walks of life, but there are few places where it happens more so than in the video games industry. This is perhaps due to the fact that it's such a fast-moving industry that you can be in your twenties and still feel nostalgic for "the good old days" and how much better they supposedly were.

Nine times out of ten, of course, nostalgia is proven wrong when you actually go back and play the things you were so nostalgic about. Things move on for a reason.

But I'm firmly of the opinion that the previous console generation is always going to be looked back on as a "golden age" that is going to be very difficult to top, however good the games might be, and however beautiful the HD graphics of today's games might be.

The reason for this, to me, that games from then were finished. Now we have the blight that is DLC. Now, the arguments in favour of downloadable add-ons for games are many—extra content adds life to a game and keeps it relevant long after release. It gives developers the opportunity to show that they're still "supporting" a product. And it allows for other, smaller developers to use an existing base as the means for some creative risk-taking—see Bioshock 2's "Minerva's Den" as an example.

But at its worst, DLC is a cynical money-making exercise designed to get people to pay for their games twice—once to buy the thing in the first place and once again to purchase all the "premium content" that should have been included with the game. Premium content, let's not forget, that very often is actually on the game disc and is simply "unlocked" by purchasing an access code.

This isn't the only negative side to DLC, either. Narrative games suffer considerably from this whole "oh, let's add a bit here, add a bit there" structure. There was a time when you would start playing a game, go through its story, beat it and be satisfied. Now, it seems, there always has to be "a little bit more". There always has to be an "exclusive epilogue chapter", or some "side missions" or "the shock return of a beloved character!"

Rather than seeing this as a good opportunity to get more of the games I love, I see this as reason to not pick up a copy of a hotly-anticipated game on its original release, because it's almost inevitable that there will be some "extra bits" sold separately down the road, and that these will be bundled into a "Game of the Year Edition" or similar even further down the road.

This is what was supposed to happen with the PS3 version of Mass Effect 2. I was quite keen to wait for this rather than picking up any of the DLC for the Xbox version, so that I could play the "definitive version". Sure enough, the PS3 version was announced as having "all" the DLC included with it. Nice. Except now they've announced some more, because Mass Effect 2 is big business and people will keep funnelling money into it.

ARGH. What this means in practice is that when you buy a game these days you're essentially purchasing an unfinished product. With the speed at which some of this DLC magically appears, it's clear it's been worked on alongside the "main" game and so it would have been very easy for it to simply be included in the price of admission. And with some publishers like EA already withholding content from those who have purchased a game pre-owned, the whole situation just strikes me as more than a little objectionable. Games are too expensive anyway, and to start charging even more for them is just… well, wrong.

Unfortunately, there are too many people out there invested in the DLC debacle to mean we can ever go back. Are you happy with that?

#oneaday, Day 54: Travels of an Angry Jedi - Brick Lane

London is a city of many surprises. A lot of them are "oh, this part of our illustrious capital is a shithole", but surprises nonetheless. Today's excursion was no exception.

Following an event I attended which I can't talk about (yet) we were recommended to head to an area called "Brick Lane", with the assurance that "if you like curry, you can't go far wrong". I like curry, so it seemed like a sensible choice.

I wasn't ready for what our party was confronted with. Imagine, if you will, the Las Vegas Strip. Now imagine the street is only one car-width wide and one-way. Now, instead of casinos and strip clubs, imagine every single establishment on the street is a curry house. Now, instead of people in fancy uniforms looking for valet parking and/or prostitution business, imagine every establishment has at least one overly aggressive Asian gentleman outside offering increasingly ridiculous deals in order to get you to frequent his establishment. (The best we heard was 2 free drinks and a 95% discount, which led us to believe that even breathing in the food's fumes would lead to immediate food poisoning.)

It was quite an experience, the likes of which I've never seen anywhere else. The whole street was lit up like a red light district, with curry houses hawking their wares with increasingly outlandish neon displays the further down the street you went.

I've only gone and forgotten the name of the place we ate at, but it was quite good. We were recommended by someone who knew Brick Lane's idiosyncrasies to look out for two things: restaurants that were full, and restaurants that didn't have anyone hawking their wares outside. Sadly the latter was impossible as every place had someone outside badgering people with crazy deals and discounts that I doubt very much they would have honoured come bill-paying time. But the one we picked was pretty full the whole time we were there.

The toilets smelled absolutely awful, though, like a fetid stench-pit from the very bowels of Hell. Fortunately you couldn't smell them from the eating area. Probably for the best.

So there's your tourist attraction of the day. In London? Like curry? Don't mind being harassed by what are essentially curry-pimps? Then Brick Lane is for you.

#oneaday, Day 53: Mr Motivation

Motivation is a curious beast. And it's not a case of either "having it" or "not having it", there are many complex factors involved. And sometimes, apparently, blind chance.

Take today. I got my ass soundly kicked by a boss in Final Fantasy XIII (which I am enjoying a lot so a big middle finger to all of you who hate it) so instead of swearing profusely and trying again, I swore profusely, turned off the PS3, said to myself (silently, because saying it out loud with no-one else nearby would just be weird) "I'm going to go and run 10km now," and then went and ran 10km. I'd say "just like that" but it took over an hour and a half, and anything over a couple of minutes is automatically disqualified from "just like that" status.

Anyway, casual bragging that I've achieved my goal of running 10K aside, I find that sudden bursts of motivation like that happen at the strangest of times… and it's very difficult to force them. Impossible, in fact. They're a spur-of-the-moment, impulsive sort of thing… which makes it rather inconvenient when you actually need some motivation to do something.

Part of the issue is, of course, prior successes. My running has been a slow but sure upward slope of little victories, one step at a time, and so that has provided ample motivation to continue and keep pushing myself to the next milestone, no pun intended. Contrast this with the jobhunting, on the other hand, which has been a string of ignorance, incompetence and idiocy—none of which was my fault—and it's understandable how I may be feeling a little disheartened on that particular front. Still, I am cracking on with it and have yet another bunch of applications in now. It remains to be seen if anything will come of these ones. Some of them, again, are even relevant to what I want to do, though the pay is all over the place. I'm kind of taking the opinion now that any money coming in is better than no money, particularly if the job in the question offers a potentially good "foot in the door" for other Good Things. Which at least one of the things I've applied for does.

So we shall see. But it has been a long time since I've felt that same surge of motivation for the jobhunting than I have for the running. Perhaps it's because of the difference between something I want to do and something I have to do. No-one likes feeling obliged to do things—given the opportunity, most people would rather be able to stay in bed as long as they like and then spend their days doing any combination of eating pies, playing video games, watching TV, staring at the Internet, wandering through fields of flowers, driving expensive cars very fast, wanking, listening to music, smashing Justin Bieber albums over the heads of people they don't like very much, giving and/or receiving oral sex, smoking weed, drawing pictures and eating Lindor chocolates—and so anything that you need to do that gets in the way of doing those things that you want is automatically parsed by your brain as being an inconvenience.

Perhaps I just need to want to find a job more. For that to happen, though, I need to spot the Awesomest Job Ever That Is A Complete Shoe-In For My Appointment And That No-One Else Will Ever Apply For.

What's that? AwesomeTech are looking for a "Playing Final Fantasy In Bed Technician Called Pete" for £50,000 a year? I'm so there.

Sigh. A man can dream, huh?

#oneaday, Day 52: Desperately Seeking Perfection

The modern age brings with it many benefits. The ability to communicate with anyone in the world at any time (so long as they're not asleep). The ability to express one's creativity in a broader range of media than ever before. The ability to acquire pornography to cater to any and all fetishes. And, of course, more ways for people you want to avoid to track you down and "see how you are".

The downside of all this, though, is that everyone always seems to feel the need to constantly be reinventing themselves. It's a particular problem when it comes to popular websites such as Facebook and Twitter. Someone, somewhere decides that it's really important that sites have particular features in place, and some poor sod of a programmer out there has to implement said features. Then when said poor sod has implemented said features, everyone whinges and moans that it's "worse than it used to be" and "shit now" and blah blah blah and conveniently forgets that said services are, in fact, free and the owners of them are perfectly within their rights to do what they want with them, however stupid some of those moves might be.

But why does this happen? It's seen as "necessary" to constantly update and reinvent to "stay competitive". Why? It usually ends up doing more damage than good, because as we've seen on many, many occasions in the past, People Hate Change and will react in somewhat inflammatory, stroppy manners.

This isn't to say that all change is bad, of course. Not at all. Genuine changes that benefit someone's experience are to be applauded. New ideas that are experimented with should be treated with a "well, let's try this" attitude rather than the outright hostility we get right now. But change for change's sake when something already works just fine? That, right there, is the reason that we get aforementioned hostility. People just want a bit of stability, and when they feel they've got it and the rug is pulled out from under them, it's sort of understandable that they kick off a bit. Not always handled in the best way (in fact, usually handled in the style of a stroppy 8-year old) but at least a little bit understandable.

Combine stroppiness with the anonymity of the Internet and you get some ugly scenes indeed. It's a fast-paced world we live in these days, and some might argue it really doesn't need to be quite so fast-paced. It'd be nice to be able to slow down a bit, enjoy the view and only fix things when they break.

But nah, that's never going to happen. Everyone has to be the Very Best, to strive towards the "perfect" experience, the criteria for which seem to change on an hourly basis. And striving for perfection means having the techie types constantly at work with their hammers and nails and bits of code. A permanent state of construction. The eternal beta.

One day the Internet might be finished. But I don't see it happening just yet.

#oneaday, Day 51: Litmus Test Your Friendships

Congratulations on your acquisition of one or more friends! To get the most out of your new acquaintances, you may find it necessary to perform one or more simple diagnostic checks to ensure that these people are, in fact, your friends and not just "people you know" whom you see occasionally. Interpersonal compatibility is a complicated issue and there is no guarantee of 100% compatibility between you and any friend(s) you may have acquired recently, particularly if said friend(s) were acquired via a third party.

Some of these tests may not be compatible with your own personal social interaction algorithms, in which case you may feel free to omit them. If you end up omitting all of the below tests, then you may wish to consider upgrading your interpersonal software to the new "Lighten The Fuck Up" edition to ensure normal functioning in society.

Test 1: The Quotation Test

To perform this test, first ensure you are in a social interaction scenario with your new friend(s) and the background volume is set to a level where you may be heard.

As an optional safety measure, you may wish to preface this test with the statement "have you seen [insert name of favourite movie/TV show here]?"

Performing the test is a simple matter of quoting your favourite scene, including impersonations of the actors/actresses if your vocal communication facility is up to the task.

Success criteria include: laughter, quoting another line, finishing the lines with you, rolling on the floor laughing, applause, eternal adulation.

Failure criteria include: blank looks, expressions of confusion, the word "what?", awkward silences where there should be laughter.

Safety note: overzealous performance of this test may lead to people regarding you as "the quote person" and reconsidering inviting you out to social occasions on the grounds that you're unable to hold a conversation without Blackadder quotes.

Test 2: The "Name That Tune" Test

A prerequisite for this test is a certain amount of self-confidence and/or alcohol. Assuming these conditions have been met, you may commence the performance of this test by bursting into a song of your choice, the sillier the better.

Success criteria include: joining in with the song, harmonising with the song, adding percussion parts to the song.

Failure criteria include: confused expressions, sudden claims that they have a "thing" to "do", walking 20 feet behind you in the street.

Safety note: if you are in a social environment where bursting into song is frowned upon, such as a library or the quiet bit of a classical concert, consider performing this test when the environment is more appropriate.

Test 3: The "Compound Swear-Word" Test

In order to perform this test, steer the conversation towards something that really, really pisses you off, preferably a person or agency which gets your goat and makes you want to throw things. When the time comes in the conversation to say exactly what you think of your ex-boyfriend/tax inspector/boss/co-worker/weird guy you see on the bus every day touching himself, refer to them by making up a compound swear word.

For added safety, you may wish to prepare a suitable bank of compound swear words in advance. Examples include: "cockwipe", "dicksplash", "creamdick", "felch-monkey", "knob-jockey", "cock-custard", "fucknut", "twatbag", "bellwodge", "cretinous cum-gullet", "insatiable scat-licker" or "cuntishly twat-faced bellend-arsepipe".

Success criteria for this test include: a moment of astonished silence followed by hysterical giggling and requests to repeat the compound swear word in the same irate tone of voice you originally uttered it.

Failure criteria for this test include: awkward, rather than astonished silence, frowns, tutting, slaps around the face either with or without the use of a haddock.

Test 4: The "Say The Funny Word Over And Over Again" Test

Performing this test requires that you have determined what your favourite word is. This may or may not be an obscenity, but it tends to work best with single-syllable rude words such as "cock".

To perform the test, utter the rude word in an exaggerated voice without explanation. Then repeat it a number of times.

Success criteria for this test include: people joining in with saying the word, laughter, recording of video evidence using mobile phones.

Failure criteria for this test include: invitations to leave, the arrival of psychiatric nurses.

Test 5: The "Failure Recovery" Test

In order to perform this test, think of the worst joke you have ever heard that never makes anyone laugh. It doesn't need to be offensive, but it sometimes works better if it does.

Utter the joke. Following the inevitable awkward silence, follow up with either the word "Anyway…" or an impersonation of howling wind and tumbleweed.

Success criteria for this test include: laughter at your own self-deprecation, a patronising pat on the head, a complete change of subject.

Failure criteria for this test include: requests to explain the joke in great detail, making it even less funnier than usual.

What next?

If you've successfully performed at least one of these tests, it is safe to assume that the people in whose company you are presently are, in fact, friends rather than people you just happen to be at the pub with.

If all tests have failed, it is extremely important that you fake a phone call and/or trip to the toilet but actually run for your life in the hope that you will never see these people ever again. You may also wish to contact technical support and attempt to install some more acceptable social graces into your personality.

Good luck out there!

#oneaday, Day 50: What Happens in Birmingham, Stays in Birmingham

Like a low-budget T-Pain, I'm on a bus. Well, technically a coach. The National Express of Divine Comedy fame, no less.

I'm on my way to Birmingham to meet up with Twittery-bloggy types @Bungiesgirl and @WhatGracieDid, which is all terribly exciting. Taking a previously-online-only friendship to that "next level" is always an exciting step, particularly if it means having a "mini-break" of sorts, to sound all Bridget Jones for a minute.

Birmingham has, on more than one occasion, been the venue for meetups such as this. In my years before Twitter, I used to contribute to the Times Education Supplement forums (and indeed met my wife there). Many active members of the TES community were in the area, so it was a good central place to meet.

One thing that always strikes me when going to places like Birmingham, though, is that I can't imagine them being seen as "tourist" destinations, even though I'm sure plenty do flock to places other than London every year. Think about when you're going on holiday—if you're having a city break abroad, you'll generally tell people that you're going to Paris or Rome or New York or Toronto or wherever and people will know where you're on about. I often wonder if people in other countries know any UK cities other than London.

"Oh yes," they'd say. "We're having our honeymoon in Birmingham."

Well, firstly, there's a marriage that's going to get off to a rough start, and secondly, it just sounds strange. What is it that makes cities such as San Francisco, Berlin or Milan so special that they're internationally known? Or is it just that living in a particular country causes you to take it for granted?