One thing I find myself having a bit of trouble with these days is feeling like I'm able to "mix things up" with regard to the things that are entertaining me. I feel a peculiar sense of "guilt" if I start on a new game, TV series or any other form of media before finishing one that I have already been working on for a while. And while in some respects that's not necessarily a bad thing — I estimate I finish more games and TV series than probably 95% of the average game-playing public out there — it's also a bit different from how I used to live.
When I think back to, say, the PS2 era, I had absolutely no problem chopping and changing between what games I was playing. Sure, if I found myself particularly compelled by an RPG or other narrative-based game, I'd probably make that a priority, but I also wouldn't feel any sort of "guilt" if I decided that no, that evening I really wanted to play Grand Theft Auto III. And I'm trying to figure out what, exactly, changed in my mind to create this, frankly, irrational feeling.
My initial reaction was that it might stem from the time where I was doing "Cover Game" features on MoeGamer, where I committed to playing a (usually long) game through from start to finish, penning at least four articles about it along the way. But then I remember while that was at its peak, I was also putting out pretty much daily articles about all manner of other games that I was playing. Granted, a lot of that came down to the fact that I was desperately bored at my day job and thus spent a lot of "work" time actually writing new articles for MoeGamer, but I still had to actually play the games in order to be able to write about them.
So whatever it is, it's happened since that time, so I estimate probably within the last 5 years or so.
Perhaps it's just generally feeling pretty run-down, and not wanting to have to think about too many things at once. That's a plausible suggestion, but inevitably I tend to find when I do have an evening where I just say "fuck it", put my current "big game" to one side and play something else for a bit, I have a good time. So it's not necessarily that I don't want to engage with something else; it's that I'm putting up a weird mental roadblock preventing me from doing so.
Part of it also may well be a false, completely unreal sense of "urgency" that is all in my own head. "I have all these games," I think, "so I have to get through all of them as soon as possible!" And this is nonsense. When I think back to that PS2 era and even earlier, I thought nothing of going back and replaying a favourite game multiple times, just because I enjoyed doing so. I thought nothing of playing a game with multiple endings repeatedly from start to finish without skipping anything. And those were good times!
I'd like to try and get back into that vibe I had when I was writing daily posts on MoeGamer. A while back, I experimented with the idea of "Gaming on a Schedule", and chronicled my thoughts on the process. I came away thinking that it was kind of a good idea, but that it was also possible to be too rigid about such things. The optimal balance is one where you still make time for your "big game" so you actually finish it, but also feel free to have an evening or two or three a week where you just… do something else instead.
So I think I just need to have a bit of a word with myself. If I have an evening such as I am having tonight, where I feel like "I don't really feel like playing Xenoblade Chronicles," there is no reason that I should feel guilt about that. I've already spent nearly 100 hours on that game, and I'll be spending at least that amount of time again on Xenoblade Chronicles X starting this time next month. So what does it matter if I have an evening "off" and play something else instead? It doesn't mean that I'm never going to finish Xenoblade Chronicles, which I think is where this whole roadblock stems from. Leaving aside the fact that I'm already very near the end, I have, after all, already beaten it once in my life, albeit on a different console.
So y'know what? This evening I'm going to play something else. Exactly what, I haven't quite got as far as deciding just yet. But I'm going to go with my gut rather than agonising over it for hours and then getting to bedtime having not actually done anything fun at all this evening.
So there. That's that. Here we go.
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