I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety today. It's probably a lot of things all piling up and exploding like fireworks in my brain, but it's made for quite an unpleasant day living inside my own brain. It doesn't help that it's annual appraisal time at the day job, too, which always riddles me with impostor syndrome by the bucketload. Still, although I'm bored a lot, I'm not doing a bad job (I don't think, anyway!) so there shouldn't be anything to complain about. Doesn't stop me worrying though.

These feelings are why I make a point of working on MoeGamer and my videos every day. Those are things that, when I work on them, I feel both satisfied and confident. They are mine, they're not answering to anyone else — and despite that, there are people enjoying them. Such as you, you lovely person, you.

It's important to have something like that in your life, I think. Going through your day perpetually anxious about never being good enough or never doing enough is no way to live. It's good to push yourself and ask yourself if you can do better, of course, but getting yourself into a mindset where you never feel like you're good enough doesn't help.

I'm saying this as much to myself as to anyone else right now. I'm feeling anxious and stressed, and I would like it to go away now please. Hopefully a good sleep will help!

New MoeGamer Podcast coming tomorrow! Chris and I talked at great length on a variety of subjects, and it was a real blast. I'm really pleased with how some of the discussions turned out — we had a particularly good one on the subject of Senran Kagura, just in time for the series' eighth birthday today, and for the currently running Cover Game feature.

The upcoming episode doesn't have a "main" topic as such, because there were a lot of news stories that we wanted to cover and talk about. This led to some very interesting discussions, though, so we hope you enjoy it. I especially hope you enjoy it as it took all day to edit and came out to over two and a half hours in length, our longest show to date!

Now it's back to the grindstone of the day job again tomorrow, so I should probably get some sleep as it's 1:15 am. I actually finished editing much earlier in the evening, but, you know, Super Metroid. And yes, we talk a bit about that on the podcast…

Anyway. That should be available on YouTube and Soundcloud tomorrow at some point whenever it uploads — it's busy rendering right now. Please look forward to it, and thank you, as ever, for all your support!

Hello! Here's another one of them vlog things, where I talk about this week's happenings and take you on a brief tour of an interesting old book I have in my collection!

I finished the Hanzou arc of Senran Kagura Burst Re:Newal tonight, so I'll have a writeup on that part of the story in the next few days. I'm podcasting over the weekend so I might not have time to write it then, but definitely by the end of Monday at the latest.

I think this might have ended up as my favourite Senran Kagura game. I love all of them, as is probably clear at this point, but returning to the decidedly bleak tone of the original is a nice change from everyone being friends and getting into shenanigans. I am, however, expecting 7even to mark a return to this style, given the teaser at the end of Peach Beach Splash, so I'm looking forward to that.

I'll talk more about all this in my proper writeup, but I really appreciate the various changes they've made to the gameplay. The addition of visible attack telegraphs is fantastic, as it allows you to dodge, block and parry much more strategically than in past games. It also makes the Hanzou finale Orochi fight really cool and dramatic as you're weaving in and out of all manner of crazy attacks — that whole stage's reimagining is absolutely fantastic.

I very much appreciate the clear progression and how the passive skills you learn through the Yin and Yang levels apply regardless of how you're playing. Getting that "dealing damage heals you" bonus from maxing out Yin makes playing Frantic on Hard much less risky — and I sense it's going to be extremely useful in the Daidouji fight, which I haven't cleared yet.

The addition of the Secret Growth Medicine to level up characters without grinding is great, too. You still have to collect it, so there's a certain amount of grinding in that regard — plus the only way to level up Yin and Yang is through playing in Frantic and Transformed status respectively — but you don't have to grind for simple experience level any more, which is a welcome change, and makes it much easier to get all the girls up to max level.

And it's just a really good beat 'em up. The strikes have real weight and impact to them, the special attacks are satisfying, the enemies are varied and interesting, the characters all play very differently to one another, and the one-on-one battles against the other characters are a genuine thrill. The final Asuka-Homura showdown in the Hanzou arc was like something out of a shounen anime — all coloured energy blasts flying around the screen while the pair of them shout at each other and a nice Japanese lady sings about… something or other. (I can't find the lyrics to Rinne anywhere!) And I love the Burst system; finishing off a fight with the Burst super move is so satisfying.

So yeah. Loving it much more than I expected; I thought being a remake of a game I'd already played would dampen the enjoyment for me somewhat, but it's actually been a fantastic experience — plus it's a good few years since I played Burst anyway! Looking forward to writing about it. Watch out for the first of (probably) two pieces on it soon!

What a crazy couple of days. I think things are finally settling down again at last, but man. I did not expect the massive reaction I got for my response to that Gun Gun Pixies review. The last two days have been crazy good traffic for MoeGamer, with yesterday being 1.5x the number of people who showed up for We Need To Get Better at Talking About Sex, and today about matching that piece.

And, as I noted yesterday, just three negative responses. That's quite an impressive ratio when dealing with something vaguely controversial — but, I won't lie, it is very nice to feel like you're on the "right" side. And I'm baffled that "we should respect each other's tastes, even if they don't match" is somehow one of the most surprising and controversial takes of 2019; my blogger friend Lethargic Ramblings (who wrote a great piece on Celeste and mental health recently, go read it!) has also been fending off people with bizarre viewpoints today. I swear some people want to be contrary just for the sake of it.

I've had a busy evening so I haven't had a ton of time for gaming, so I'm not sure I'll be able to get a Senran Kagura Burst Re:Newal piece up tomorrow, but we'll see. I'm thinking about splitting that particular part of the feature into (at least) two anyway — one focusing on Hanzou, one on Hebijo — and I'll definitely be able to clear the Hanzou story tomorrow evening.

Super Metroid hasn't been helping. Having for some reason held off playing this for years, I'm now thoroughly invested. I have no idea how far through I am, but I'm enjoying it a lot and I spent my whole lunchtime at work today exploring the depths of Zebes. Fantastic stuff.

Anyway. One more day to survive this week, then it's a podcast weekend! Chris and I will be doing another news-centric episode similar to what we did around E3, this time focusing on stuff like TGS and the recent(ish) Nintendo Direct. Lots to talk about, for sure.

Bedtime for me now, though. Although Zebes is calling…

I'm pretty exhausted — physically, mentally and emotionally. Yesterday's post on MoeGamer, it seems, resonated with a whole fucking load of people, and my Twitter notifications have been absolutely on fire all day.

It's a good kind of exhausted, though; out of all the reactions to my piece, I've had just three negative responses. One from the original writer of the piece I was responding to, who seems to think that a call to not be a dick to people is "childish" (after having spent all day throwing a tantrum about my article). One from someone with 4 followers on Twitter, who I blocked months ago for being a cunt and a stalker. And one from someone who whined half-heartedly about "rape culture" and then collapsed into a small puddle of lactose-free milk.

Meanwhile, the article in question has had thousands of people viewing it, thousands more (or probably the same people) liking and retweeting it on Twitter, and even some people coming privately to me for advice or saying that they want to follow me to "learn from me". I'm honestly kind of humbled by these latter things in particular; I'm just a dude with a blog about games he likes!

I hasten to add that I don't wish to come across like I'm bragging about this; I am mostly just pleased that something I've written has actually touched a lot of people in a positive way… almost, almost universally. It's brought a lot of people together — even people I might not expect in some cases — and it's just generally been a rather positive, if overwhelming experience.

I think I need to go to bed now and not look at the Internet for a bit!

I don't like writing things like I posted earlier today. Or, rather, I don't like feeling like I should have to write things like I posted earlier today.

There are a number of reasons for this. First and foremost is the fact that it's frustrating to be in a position where I'm having to say the same things I've been saying for nearly ten years at this point. Things haven't improved in the games press at all; if anything, they're worse. It doesn't seem like "respect other people's tastes, even if they don't correspond with your own" should be a controversial take, but, judging by a couple of incredibly rude responses I got earlier (which were thankfully vastly outnumbered by positive reactions) it is for some people.

Those negative responses lead me on to the second reason I don't like having to write things like I wrote today: the fact that, while I feel like it's important to say these things, and that the fact I am fortunate enough to have a platform, however small, gives me the opportunity to say them… they trigger my autistic anxiety something chronic.

I'm going to point you in the direction of this excellent post by autistic teacher Pete Wharmby for more detail, but quite simply, dealing with autism means being stressed a lot of the time. It also means that one's interests are very important to oneself, and seeing them being attacked is quite distressing. Being attacked for making a reasonable argument and a request for civility is very distressing. It's not an exaggeration to say that a single comment from a random nobody can completely ruin a good proportion of my day, even if other comments have been supportive and kind.

Thankfully, I recognised some danger signs earlier, and removed myself from a situation that would cause further stress, but it still caused me anxiety, and even though I'm glad I made the post — especially as it's had such a positive response, including from many Twitter users and bloggers who don't normally engage visibly with my work — I still feel a bit uneasy and wary that someone is going to attack me or do something unpleasant because of it.

What a silly way to be, no? I took great pains to ensure that my piece wasn't insulting or offensive in any way, and thought I made a perfectly reasonable plea to common sense. Numerous responses that I've had from people today suggest to me that my initial feelings about it were correct. But I'm still kind of scared. I'm still kind of frustrated. I'm still kind of angry and upset.

This sort of post shouldn't be necessary. Unfortunately it still is. And while that is the case, even though it can cause me discomfort, unease and fear at times, I will continue to use the platform I have — however small it may be compared to some — to speak up, proudly, when situations like this arise. The people who really need to hear my words may, more often than not, be the ones least likely to actually listen — but if I can bring just one person a bit of comfort and support, and make them feel less alienated and less alone for the interests they're passionate about when they find them derided and insulted by people with large audiences… it's worth doing.

Thanks for all your support today. It's time to go and get some sleep and try to forget about all this nonsense for the night.

No word from possible new job yet. I will chase them up if I don't hear anything back by partway tomorrow. I want to seem keen but not too pushy. All those things you think about when you are both applying for a new job and in a new relationship. Although to be perfectly honest, throughout my entire life I have always done both of those things a little "unconventionally".

It was back to the day job today. It wasn't too bad, as before I left on my week off we'd got all the high-priority pain in the arse jobs out of the way, and thus I returned to a pretty quiet office. I am knackered though; did not sleep at all well last night for some reason, so I'm hoping tonight is a bit better.

I started playing Super Metroid earlier. I am having a good time! This is a game — well, series, really — that I've never explored at all aside from a little bit of time with the NES installment. I'll definitely be writing something about it soon, depending on how long it is. The SNES app on the Switch is definitely revitalising my interest in some of the 16-bit classics. I'm especially keen to dive into Demon's Crest in more detail… man, that is a beautiful game.

Sorry, I'm all fragmented thoughts this evening, but as previously noted I'm knackered. I will do my best to be a bit more coherent for you tomorrow! In the meantime, have a pleasant evening.

So… remember that potential job I mentioned? I applied for it today. I kid you not, literally ten minutes later I got a reply saying that I'd be "perfect" — I absolutely wasn't expecting even a response on a Sunday, let alone such an enthusiastic one! — but, predictably, questioning whether the distance thing would be an issue.

Naturally, it would be an issue, but this is also 2019, and there are plenty of people who work jobs remotely from home and perhaps go in to their actual "workplace" fairly infrequently. After all, I've worked several jobs like that over the last few years; most notably GamePro and USgamer, but also some of the stuff I've done in-between has been home-based, too.

I guess it depends how traditional the company is about this sort of thing — and how much they want me. I haven't had a response to my explanation of the situation — and the things I'm hoping for — as yet, but I wasn't expecting an immediate one. (Well, actually, the pessimist side of my brain was, and it was expecting that immediate response to be "well, fuck off then"… but thankfully that hasn't happened at least.)

Instead, I imagine my proposals are the sort of thing that would have to be discussed by people in charge to see what is workable. And I'm fine with that.

To be honest, it's very pleasant to be in a situation where I'm applying for a job because I want to rather than because I have to. This is, to be perfectly honest, not really a situation I've been in before, as I've not had the best of luck with employers over the years. I was made redundant from my very first job after a year there, my second one gave me a nervous breakdown and things haven't exactly been rosy ever since; my current day job, as much as I complain about it being boring, is the most stable employment I've had in the last 20 years.

The upside of this arrangement, then, is that if everything falls through because I live a hundred miles away from my potential workplace, I haven't lost anything. The downside, of course, is that this job sounds great, and I think I'd enjoy it a lot more than what I'm doing now — so if everything falls through because I live a hundred miles away from my potential workplace, it'd still be a bit of a bummer. But I have to focus on that upside; I'm in a good position right now, and the (apparent) strength of my application hopefully puts me in a good place to negotiate, too.

We'll see. Keep your fingers crossed for me, dear reader.

It's that time again! This week's vlog features some heartfelt words about Rod-Land as well as some musings about a possible job opportunity.

Hope you enjoy! Be sure to let me know if there's anything you'd like to see me talk about or show you in future episodes of this series.

Also, look how stable that CRT image is in the background! My new phone's camera is pretty sweet!

Thank you as always for your support!