#oneaday Day 286: Not This Again

I don't like writing things like I posted earlier today. Or, rather, I don't like feeling like I should have to write things like I posted earlier today.

There are a number of reasons for this. First and foremost is the fact that it's frustrating to be in a position where I'm having to say the same things I've been saying for nearly ten years at this point. Things haven't improved in the games press at all; if anything, they're worse. It doesn't seem like "respect other people's tastes, even if they don't correspond with your own" should be a controversial take, but, judging by a couple of incredibly rude responses I got earlier (which were thankfully vastly outnumbered by positive reactions) it is for some people.

Those negative responses lead me on to the second reason I don't like having to write things like I wrote today: the fact that, while I feel like it's important to say these things, and that the fact I am fortunate enough to have a platform, however small, gives me the opportunity to say them… they trigger my autistic anxiety something chronic.

I'm going to point you in the direction of this excellent post by autistic teacher Pete Wharmby for more detail, but quite simply, dealing with autism means being stressed a lot of the time. It also means that one's interests are very important to oneself, and seeing them being attacked is quite distressing. Being attacked for making a reasonable argument and a request for civility is very distressing. It's not an exaggeration to say that a single comment from a random nobody can completely ruin a good proportion of my day, even if other comments have been supportive and kind.

Thankfully, I recognised some danger signs earlier, and removed myself from a situation that would cause further stress, but it still caused me anxiety, and even though I'm glad I made the post — especially as it's had such a positive response, including from many Twitter users and bloggers who don't normally engage visibly with my work — I still feel a bit uneasy and wary that someone is going to attack me or do something unpleasant because of it.

What a silly way to be, no? I took great pains to ensure that my piece wasn't insulting or offensive in any way, and thought I made a perfectly reasonable plea to common sense. Numerous responses that I've had from people today suggest to me that my initial feelings about it were correct. But I'm still kind of scared. I'm still kind of frustrated. I'm still kind of angry and upset.

This sort of post shouldn't be necessary. Unfortunately it still is. And while that is the case, even though it can cause me discomfort, unease and fear at times, I will continue to use the platform I have — however small it may be compared to some — to speak up, proudly, when situations like this arise. The people who really need to hear my words may, more often than not, be the ones least likely to actually listen — but if I can bring just one person a bit of comfort and support, and make them feel less alienated and less alone for the interests they're passionate about when they find them derided and insulted by people with large audiences… it's worth doing.

Thanks for all your support today. It's time to go and get some sleep and try to forget about all this nonsense for the night.