#oneaday Day 75: Yar-Har Fiddle-De-Dee

Piracy is a crime. Most people are aware of this by now, but it still goes on. And as much as I'm not a fan of piracy per se, it's becoming increasingly understandable why people resort to less-than-legal means to get hold of digital content. Sometimes it's because said content isn't available where they live without paying exorbitant amounts of money to import things. Sometimes it's to get a different version of some content they enjoy. And sometimes it's because the legal versions of the content don't work in the first place.

Let's take YouTube as an example here. YouTube launched a service in the UK last year called YouTube Shows, which carries content from Channel 4, Channel 5 and various other sources, allowing viewers to catch up on programmes they've missed, rather like iPlayer. This is a great service, particularly considering it's available for free, thanks to the fact it's supported by advertising.

At least, it's great in theory. Until the advertising service breaks, rendering the content completely inaccessible. Because there's no failsafe to skip a broken ad, no means of reloading with different ads if they cause the video to fail and no means to report broken content, if YouTube decides that you're not going to watch something, you're not going to watch it.

This is obviously a Bad Thing, but of course it's not YouTube's fault directly. Computers fuck up, that's part of What They Do. But when the fact that Computers Fuck Up That's What They Do means that a service becomes unusable, that's when alternative means start to get 1) sought and 2) provided.

Take the various means of digital rights management that many PC games come bundled with these days, too. Several of Ubisoft's games won't run at all if you're not connected to the Internet constantly while you're playing, so if you have a dodgy wireless signal in your home, good luck playing Assassin's Creed on the PC, since it'll kick you from the game every time your connection drops. And now some console games are starting to take the same approach, too, with Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 on PSN being one of the first. Modern consoles are very much geared towards "always-on" connections these days, of course, but with the number of times my PS3 logs itself out of PSN with no warning every day, playing a game that depended on Internet connectivity would quickly become very frustrating.

It ends up as a vicious cycle, however. The pirates determine more and more inventive ways to circumvent the more and more inventive protective systems that publishers put in place to deter the pirates from circumventing their protective systems. And it never ends. At the moment, particularly when it comes to PC gaming, cracked versions often offer a more convenient, "better" experience than legitimate copies. And when it comes to DVDs, not having to sit through several minutes of unskippable bullshit every time you want to watch a 20-minute episode of How I Met Your Mother is always going to be a mark in favour of downloading the episodes rather than buying the DVDs.

Piracy is a crime. But buying a product isn't, and nor is tolerating advertising to make use of a free service. So how about the legitimate consumers stop getting treated like dirt, huh?

#oneaday Day 73: The Late Review - Final Fantasy XIII

[This post contains spoilers.]

Final Fantasy XIII is a game about control in its many forms. What happens if the State or Church has complete control over the populace? What happens if beings beyond our understanding control the resources that determine humanity's survival? How do you challenge a fate which seems to be set in stone?

This theme permeates the entire game, from its visual design through its progression structure to the oft-criticised linearity. The game starts with the Sanctum-endorsed "Purge" sending hundreds of citizens to their death. Lightning and her soon-to-be companions are the ones who step up to challenge this seemingly-inevitable fate, but they don't really have a choice. It's fight or die, and to our heroes, death is not an option. This sets them on their path, and once they're on this path, there's no escaping their destiny: they are going to become Pulse l'Cie and receive their Focus: to destroy Cocoon as Ragnarok.

This inescapable destiny is reflected by the fact that there's no deviation from the path on which you, the player, can move. The first part of the game is completely linear for some time, and this is entirely appropriate for the theme. It reflects several things: the tightly-ordered society that is the Sanctum-dominated Cocoon, and the inevitability of preordained destiny. It's not until much, much later in the game that our heroes come across the verdant green hills of Pulse, a land devoid of human life and thus free of the "control" and corruption which the Sanctum and, by extension, the fal'Cie hold over the heads of the population of Cocoon.

But there's subtler things, too. As our heroes progress along their path, they grow in power. At the start of the game, they don't learn from their experiences. Shortly after they become l'Cie, they have the opportunity to develop themselves in the disciplines in which they're good at. Shortly before they arrive at Pulse, when they make the decision to challenge the unjust fate which appears to lie before them, their options open up. The player is able to develop them down pathways which were formerly closed to them. It's harder work for seemingly relatively little benefit, at least to begin with, but the option is there. The path of least resistance still allows the greatest benefits, but those who are willing to make the effort and invest the time will find it pays off later. And as their l'Cie brands advance, bringing them ever-closer to their inescapable destiny—destroy Cocoon or endure an existence worse than death—ironically, their options open up and their potential for advancement becomes ever stronger.

It transpires throughout the course of the story that the party has, in fact, been manipulated for nefarious ends. The interesting thing about the end section of the game is that it jumps firmly back onto rails, but this time it's rails that the party (and/or the player) has chosen to jump onto and follow to their conclusion. There's nothing stopping the player keeping the party down on Pulse, indulging in sidequests, trying to hunt down elusive treasure and wondering if they'll ever be tough enough to take down one of those enormous Adamantoise creatures. The player makes the choice to return to Cocoon and see the story through to its eventual conclusion. And when the final confrontation ends up causing that which the party had struggled so hard to avoid, it's through strength of will that Fang and Vanille manage to use Ragnarok's power to make a choice. A choice not to destroy Cocoon, but to save it instead. The two worlds are changed forever by their actions. The choices that they made put into motion a chain of events that inextricably tie Pulse and Cocoon together—literally, physically.

Ironically, of course, the ultimate control of Final Fantasy XIII's world is that which the creators hold over the player. The characters make choices for themselves and the player is powerless to do anything about it. The player is just along for the ride. But the lengthy setup, the introduction of the characters and the resolution of all their personal stories by the time the party reaches the relative "freedom" of Pulse—if the player has let themselves become invested in the fates of these diverse characters, if they can let themselves look past these characters' first impressions: that Lightning is an aloof, arrogant arse; that Snow is an idiot; that Hope is a whiny brat; that Vanille is an irritatingly girly girl; that Sazh has a stupid name and never quite seems to understand what's going on; that Fang is all too quick to jump off a metaphorical cliff at the slightest provocation—then they'll be right there with them, rooting for them as they decide the fate of the world.

Final Fantasy XIII isn't for everyone. The mixed critical reception the game got on its initial release is more than enough to make that abundantly apparent. Is it the large tracts of linearity, the characters, the fact it's not Final Fantasy (insert number here) that puts people off? I don't know. But I absolutely loved it. It was a spectacular thrill-ride with characters that despite occasional pretensions of obnoxiousness that they display at the outset, end up being a good, memorable ensemble cast—and seriously, what JRPG cast doesn't have occasional pretensions of obnoxiousness? I found it fun to play and beat it with a sense of satisfaction and closure, not least because of the fact that I know that it's over (until the full-on sequel of course) and won't feel obliged to return because of some piecemeal DLC.

I am half-tempted to go Trophy-hunting and/or finish off the last 24% of sidequests on Pulse that I didn't complete—but if I don't, I still feel like I've had a satisfyingly "complete" experience. And that, in this day and age of games that keep getting extended, extended, extended and thus losing the impact of their original "ending"… that's something to be celebrated.

#oneaday Day 71: Want Not

I haven't bought anything "new" for some time now, be it a book, CD, DVD, Blu-Ray or game. (Actually, that's a lie, I picked up Deathsmiles recently but only because if I didn't grab a copy now I doubt I'd ever see it on store shelves ever again, but that's beside the point. I probably shouldn't have started on this aside as it is taking away from my original point somewhat. Forget I said anything and let's start again.)

I haven't bought anything "new" for some time now, be it a book, CD, DVD, Blu-Ray or game. (Actually… (No! Stop it!) What? (You know what.) Oh all right.) And you know what? I don't miss it. (I'm going to focus on games here.) I don't feel like I've missed out on Assassin's Creed Brotherhood and I don't feel like I'm missing out on Dragon Age II. There are many other things I could list but I won't because it would be terribly boring.

There are many reasons I haven't missed buying these things. Firstly and most obviously, it's saving money, something I'm woefully short of at the minute. Secondly, though, there's really no need to constantly have the latest and greatest the second it comes out. What does it achieve, really? You pay full price, have to enter six bajillion redemption codes to download all the DLC that should be on the game disc (don't get me started!) and know that there's going to be more of it in the future. Wait a few months and you could likely have a better edition for less money and more Stuff. You also get to avoid all the "pre-order bonus" bullshit that big publishers are starting to pull these days, because the content in question is often then included in that newer edition.

The third and probably most important reason, though, is that not rushing out to buy something awesome the second it comes out is the fact that you can then just enjoy what you've already got. I'm currently playing through Final Fantasy XIII, a game which I picked up months ago, played approximately 20 hours of, stopped due to something else coming out, and never went back to until recently. Now, those who dislike FFXIII will undoubtedly say that I shouldn't have bothered, but I'm having a blast, and the fact I'm not feeling "pressured" to beat it as quickly as possible means that I can savour the beautiful world that makes up that game, take my time to explore and enjoy the extra content it has on offer, and move on to beat it when I'm good and ready. When I've beaten that, I have Demon's Souls, Disgaea 3, Darksiders, Resident Evil 4, killer7 and a whole host of other things to play through—a backlog of games that literally covers years. Eventually I'll get through them all—hopefully in time for a Dragon Age II game of the year edition or even Mass Effect 3.

Of course, this will all go out the window once Catherine comes out in the States and I immediately import it but hey. That's another one that might end up being hard to find, so it's an investment, hey?

#oneaday Day 69: PAX Bostona

PAX East is happening tomorrow, and I'm not there. This makes me inordinately sad for a number of reasons. Firstly, PAX East last year was the last time I could legitimately say that I was 100% completely, totally and utterly happy. For those few days, I had left all my growing troubles behind in the UK and was able to immerse myself in the culture that I loved so much. I was able to be an unabashed nerd and surround myself with thousands of other people like myself.

Secondly, PAX East represented the last time I had the chance to see some of the people I consider to be my best friends in the world. It sounds sappy, I'm sure, but the relationships I've cultivated online over the last few years are some of the strongest friendships I've ever had—and in some cases, I've met these people once or twice… and in many cases, not at all.

Thirdly, PAX East last year pretty much marked the start of the career path that I'd very much like to follow full-time, given the opportunity: being part of the games press. At the time I was writing for Kombo.com and between meeting up with people and seeing cool panel discussions (some of which didn't feature my brother) I was hunting down interesting stories and reporting on them. I'd been writing the news for a little while by then, but attending an event and spotting the new hotness was a lot of fun, and something I want to do more of in the future.

The best thing about PAX East, though, I've already touched on, and I blogged about at length last year. It's a place to call home. A place where people who enjoy video games can come together and nerd out to their hearts' content without fear of judgement, without feeling like they have to "hide" their hobby or play it down. No, this is a place where girls could dress as Bayonetta without (much) shame, where people could experience new aspects to their hobby, where people could meet some of their idols and where people could get together and meet each other.

In short, it was awesome. And that's why right now I am very much wishing I was there in Boston, scoping out the nearest coffee shops and Dunkin' Donuts to the convention centre, arguing about which places to go for food and playing "spot the influential industry figure".

So to all of you over there in Boston right now, I hope you have the best time of your lives over the next few days. Because if you don't have the best time of your lives, I could clearly have had your tickets and had the best time of my life instead. (Assuming I could have actually flown over to Boston, of course. Planes are expensive. But that's beside the point.)

Yeah. I JELLY. Deal with it.

Have an awesome time, PAX East. Wish I was there.

#oneaday Day 67: Cultural Differences

Games are a fairly unique medium in that they allow pretty much anyone easy access to material from other cultures without the language barrier necessarily getting in the way. A book in a language you don't understand, for example, is pretty much useless. A film can be appreciated for its direction and cinematography if not understood. Music can be enjoyed on a certain level. But a foreign game, assuming its not too story-heavy, can be enjoyed by anyone.

It's here that we run into the East-West divide. Both parts of the world enjoy producing games with stories, though Western stories often tend to err on the side of "gritty" while Japanese tales tend for the most part to be more on the colourful, melodramatic side, often derided by people who don't enjoy them as being "emo". Let's leave narrative-heavy games aside for a moment, though, and look at games that are "gameplay experiences" first and foremost.

For comparison purposes, I'm going to take dear departed Bizarre Creations' Geometry Wars 2 for the Western front, and CAVE's Deathsmiles for the Eastern front. Both are Xbox 360 titles, both released at a low price point, though Deathsmiles saw a retail release as opposed to Geometry Wars 2's Xbox LIVE Arcade-only release. This, in itself, is somewhat telling.

Let's consider the games' respective aesthetics first. Geometry Wars 2 is, as you may expect from the title, abstract in nature. There are no "characters", there's no "story", it's just a bunch of neon shapes against one little white abstract "ship", and everything explodes into a shower of beautiful fireworks. It's spectacular to behold (assuming the person playing is any good) and recognisably "next-gen" (or "current-gen" if you prefer, since it's technically more accurate).

Deathsmiles, on the other hand, looks like a SNES game, albeit one with enough things on screen to make the little Nintendo box explode. It's all sprite-based, it has chunky pixel-art backgrounds that have been upscaled to HD but not quite by enough, it has animations done by hand rather than generated procedurally and suffers from occasional slowdown due to the sheer amount of shit happening on screen at once.

Not only that, though, but Deathsmiles has "character". Rather than the abstract appearance of Geometry Wars 2, the player "ship" in Deathsmiles is a person. Specifically, it's one of four underage Gothic Lolita angels dressed in borderline-inappropriate costumes accompanied by a familiar. Similarly, all the enemies are recognisable as "monsters", be they humanoid, dragons, flying eye things with bat wings, spiders or indeed the wonderfully named final boss, Tyrannosatan.

The key thing about the two games' respective aesthetics, though, is that Geometry Wars 2 is consciously trying to look shiny and new, while Deathsmiles is more than happy to look like an arcade game from at least 10 years ago—the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" approach. Neither approach is necessarily more or less valid than the other, but it's an interesting contrast.

Then we come to how the two games play. Geometry Wars 2 has a variety of modes, all of which can be explained very easily. They all involve killing things before they touch your ship, with only a couple of modes (King, in which you may only fire while sitting in certain temporary "zones"; and Pacifism, in which you can't fire at all and can only destroy things by detonating "gates" by passing through them) varying even slightly from this formula.

Deathsmiles, on the other hand, should be a simple matter to explain. It's a shoot 'em up, after all—how complicated can it be? But I attempted to explain it to a friend earlier and ended up confusing both myself and him. The game's tutorial makes it sound rather straightforward—fire in either direction, use a smart bomb, charge up shots or use a lock-on attack—but in fact there's a surprising amount of hidden depth.

Firstly, since it, like Geometry Wars 2, is a game about getting high scores, there's a somewhat intricate method to attaining the highest scores that involves destroying the correct enemies with the correct type of shots. The game mentions this in passing, but it's up to the player to determine what it actually means. Geometry Wars 2, on the other hand, is about shooting shit and using a bomb if you're in an inescapable situation.

Secondly, there's the key element of the "bullet hell" shooter—the hitbox. Graze any enemy in Geometry Wars 2 and your ship explodes. But the same isn't true in Deathsmiles—mercifully, since the player sprite is relatively large. No, instead there's a pulsing "heart" symbol in the middle of your characters chest and that—and only that—is the thing that can be damaged. Because this is so small, it means you can navigate your player character through intricate arrangements of bullets that initially seem impossible to avoid. Much of the game becomes about less about shooting things and more about learning how and when these patterns appear, and finding an appropriate path through them. The patterns are the same each time, too, so you certainly can "learn" the game, as opposed to Geometry Wars 2's more random chaos.

Then there's the matter of replay value. Both games are designed to be replayed in a "score attack" style. But Geometry Wars 2's sessions tend to be rather short for the most part—a few minutes at most. In most modes, the game ends when you're dead. More skilled players get to play for longer in most cases.

Deathsmiles, on the other hand, takes you through at least 6 levels, the order of which you can select to a certain degree, and offers you unlimited continues. The whole game takes about 20-30 minutes from start to finish. This means that "beating" the game is within the reach of absolutely anyone, even on the hardest difficulty settings. Sure, you'll get crap scores, since your score resets to zero every time you continue, but you can at least reach the end and whore for Achievements if that's your bag. The sign of a skilled Deathsmiles player, then, is not how long they play for, but how long they can survive without their score resetting. This doesn't necessarily have to be from the beginning of the game, as tackling the levels in different orders can provide optimum bonus-point scoring potential, but then we get into a whole other order of depth.

It's interesting to see two wildly different approaches to what is essentially the same genre—the shmup—and contrast them. I like both games very much, but I feel that most people will probably find themselves favouring one or the other, much like game design philosophy in general.

I'll leave you with one of the most interesting things to ponder: whether Deathsmiles' character designs would have ever been green-lit by a Western developer, even knowing the fact that the arguably "sexualised" nature of them doesn't factor into the game itself at all? I somehow doubt it. Don't believe me? Take a look:

Cute, right? Bit of a stockings and thighs and boobs theme going on. We've seen self-consciously sexy Western female characters before, so surely nothing new there. How about if I tell you how old they're all supposed to be?

Yeah. Pervert.

#oneaday Day 65: Character Sheet

RPGs, as everyone knows, are nonsense. No amount of battering your way through the world's wildlife with a stick repeatedly makes you powerful enough to take down, say, a helicopter with your bare hands. But that's not to say that we don't have our own special skills and abilities of our own. So here, in the style of Final Fantasy XIII thanks to the many and varied roles I have taken on over the years, is my official Character Sheet. (Bonus points if you can figure out how I calculated my EXP, amount of EXP to next level, HP and MP, because yes, I am nerdy enough to work out a system to do just that.)

Pete
Hume M
Level 29

HP: 1557/1557
MP: 5/358

EXP: 261696
NEXT: 1320

Role: WRITER (WRI), Lv. 25
Bonus: Adds to party's Grammatical Error detection radius.

Abilities
Literate: Read and write.
Literata: Read and write well.
Literataga: Read and write well enough to do professionally.
Literataja: Read and write super-fast to borderline-inhuman deadlines.
Barego: Protect against bruised ego.
Bolster: Restore morale.
Enhumor: Add Comedy element to attacks, cancel Sadness status.
Eninform: Add Knowledge element to attacks, cancel Ignorance status.
Yankbrit: Toggle stance between British and American English.

Role: TEACHER (TCH), Lv. 3
Bonus: Double EXP acquisition for other party members.

Abilities
Teach: Able to explain general things in some detail.
Teacha: Able to explain complicated concepts to inexperienced types.
Teachaga: Able to explain complicated concepts without getting frustrated.
Teachaja: Able to adapt explanations on the fly while teaching several targets.
War Cry: Inflict Silence on all targets temporarily.
Bolster: Restore morale.
Eninform: Add Knowledge element to attacks, cancel Ignorance status.
Patience: Cancel Berserk status on self. Usable once per day.

Role: BARD (BRD), Lv. 25
Bonus: Increased success rate of party buffs.

Abilities
Piano: Equip Piano-class equipment.
Clarinet: Equip Clarinet-class equipment.
Saxophone: Equip Saxophone-class equipment.
Bellowing Honk: (Requires Saxophone) Knockback and Stun all targets.
Piercing Screech: (Requires Clarinet) Silence and Slow all targets.
Shine on Me: Buff the party with Barbershop Power.
Pinkapingpangpong: Confuse all targets.
Rachmaninoff's Fury: Inflict punch damage over a slightly wider-than-usual radius.
Perform: 50/50 chance to Impress or Depress friendly target.
Accompany: Double attack power of any Soloist in the party.
Accompanya: Triple attack power of any Soloist in the party.
Accompanyaga: Max out Soloists' attack power and add your own.

Role: NERD (NRD), Lv. 25
Bonus: Bolster party's performance in video game-related quizzes.

Abilities
Score Attack: Spend an entire ATB bar increasing your score on Geometry Wars.
Recognition: Increased chance to recognise obscure music from Japanese games.
Unfazed: Impossible for bizarre/impossible events to inflict Confusion status.
Desensitised: Think of the children!
Persistence: Extra chance at all failable actions, chance of Boredom status increases.
Fix: Restore HP to Mechanical or Electrical targets.
Break: Damage Mechanical or Electrical targets with increased efficiency.
Google: Impossible to be inflicted with Ignorance status if in an area with Wi-Fi.
Maru: Summon cat videos.
Marua: Summon a cat video appropriate to the occasion.
Maruga: Summon the perfect cat video for the occasion to escape from danger.

Role: RETAIL MONKEY (RMK), Lv. 2
Bonus: Double Gil from sold items.

Abilities
Sell: Sell items.
Sella: Sell junk items.
Sellaga: Sell junk and regular items for increased profit.
eBay: Sell items to people in other zones.
eBaya: Sell junk items to people in other zones.
eBayaga: Sell junk and regular items to people in other zones for increased profit.
Packin': Equip Packing Tape Dispenser-class equipment.
Cable Management: Remove Tangled status from Mechanical or Electrical targets.

Role: EMPATH (EMP), Lv. 10
Bonus: Decreased chance for friendly party members to suffer Debuffs.

Abilities
Listen: Listen.
Listena: Listen without judging.
Listenaga: Listen without judging or offering stupid advice.
Empathy: Transfer all negative status effects from friendly target to self.
Empatha: Remove one negative status effect that both you and target are suffering.
Empathaga: Remove all negative status effects from target, inflict Confusion on self.
Bolster: Restore morale.

Did I miss anything? Obviously I'm leaving my Limit Breaks a secret as I don't want to play my hand too early.

#oneaday Day 64: Welcome to Bullet Hell

David Cage, of Heavy Rain fame, recently made some comments at GDC regarding traditional game structure. He argued that levels, bosses, missions, that sort of thing—all of them were obsolete, and that we should move on. Now, in some senses, I kind of agree with him—I certainly want to play more games like Heavy Rain for one thing—but to say that traditional structural devices in games should be left behind forever is foolish and misguided.

Why? Well, because there's still a place for gamey-games. Not everything has to be an epic interactive movie that is beautifully crafted and cinematographatised. Not everything has to be about in-depth moral decisions and the consequences of those actions. It's okay to chase high-scores, and it's okay to put the words "GAME OVER" in front of the player if they mess up.

The reason why this has suddenly popped into my mind is the fact that I was dragged kicking and screaming into the world of the "bullet hell" shooter last night. I'd heard a few good things about the recently-released Deathsmiles on Xbox, and asked a few people on Twitter what they thought. Everyone who got back to me said that it was an excellent game, and also recommended a couple of iPhone titles—Espgaluda II and Dodonpachi Resurrection. It was too late to go and grab a copy of Deathsmiles thanks to the fact most of the country shuts down at around 6pm, but I could at least try the iPhone games. And they had Lite versions for trial purposes, too, which makes a nice change.

I tried them both and was astonished at how impressive 2D pixel art can still be. Neither game is consciously trying to look "retro", they're just made of well-drawn, well-animated art rather than 3D graphics. Not only that, though, they're a huge amount of fun to play. I'd always figured the "bullet hell" shooter as being punishingly difficult—otherwise the word "hell" wouldn't figure into its genre description, surely—but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that rather than being super-difficult, they're just quite technical and require rather more than hosepiping the screen with laser fire. Instead, it's a case of quickly determining what the best route through the bajillion incoming shots is—and the excellent touch-screen controls on the iPhone games (worthy of celebration in itself) makes navigating through them a snap.

The other thing I hadn't realised about the genre is that the "hitbox" (the area of the ship that registers collisions) is super-tiny—much smaller than the ship itself. This means that you can get away with "scraping" bullets and, in fact, in one mode of Dodonpachi Resurrection, this is encouraged by building up your score multiplier. And speaking of scores, if you're the sort of person who likes building up gigantic scores, this is the genre for you. Both the iPhone games have full OpenFeint and Game Center support, a bunch of Achievements and full Leaderboard functionality, with an individual Leaderboard for each mode—hopefully free of the sort of cheating we see on the Fruit Ninja leaderboards.

The final thing that I find particularly noteworthy is the fact that the inappropriateness of the music throughout is second only to DEADLY PREMONITION. Check out this music from the first stage of Dodonpachi Resurrection and I defy you to not be smiling by the end of it. Now imagine blowing up like a million tanks whilst listening to that. Yeah. That's why that game is awesome, and why @feenwager will hate it.

#oneaday Day 61: Killing One's Dick Off

Bulletstorm should be the last game that appeals to me. I've criticised games such as Killzone for having generic-sounding "ShootMan: Kill"-type names, and my frustration with the market's oversaturation of first-person shooters is well-documented.

So why do I find myself wanting to play it?

Well, there's quite a few reasons, actually, and despite Bulletstorm's generic-sounding title and the fact it is indeed a first-person shooter, there's enough in it to get me interested. Most importantly, though, it's a game which doesn't take itself too seriously in the slightest. It knows only too well how ridiculous it is, and it's happy to provide said ridiculousness in spades.

There's a couple of specific things that get me, though. First up is score attack. Score attack is something that I seem to have developed something of a liking for in the last couple of years thanks mostly to Geometry Wars 2 and Pac-Man Championship Edition DX or whatever the bloody thing is called. Score attack is a simple, asynchronous way for people to play "together" and compete. It allows people on opposite sides of the world the chance to enjoy some friendly competition without those pesky timezones getting in the way. It encourages people to talk about the game. And it encourages people to replay the game rather than just ditching it after they've beaten the campaign.

The second thing about Bulletstorm is ironically one of the things that I thought would put me off it, and that is its immaturity. It has a sense of humour and throws obscenities around with gay abandon and from everything I've heard from reputable sources of information (well, friends) is all the better for it. A line about "killing your dick off" is supposedly a particular highlight, but the fact the demo for the game ended by referring to the player as "dick-tits" pretty much convinced me that this was a game built on the same values as late 90s shooters in which cheeky, immature fun was at the forefront, not trying to be over-the-top epic.

Fun is good. A lot of shooters, in my experience anyway, seem to be forgetting that part. When you repeat the same bit over and over again due to cheap deaths and hear the same annoying bit of inevitably-shouted dialogue over and over again, it kills all sense of immersion in the story which the developers are clearly trying so hard to achieve. Sure, I haven't played the full version of Bulletstorm yet, but since the plot is rather secondary to the gameplay and the scoring, it strikes me as something that will be rather less frustrating than the reason I put Gears of War down and have never touched that series since.

All of the above isn't to say that I am going to get Bulletstorm. I haven't decided yet. But they've done something right along the way, as it's the first shooter in a very long time that I've been genuinely very interested in playing.

#oneaday Day 58: Things To Do in a Traffic Jam

I like driving. It's fun. Whether you're negotiating twisty-turny country lanes, putting your foot to the floor on a motorway or simply contemplating the fact that you're actually sitting in a chair that is moving at 70 miles per hour (seriously, that's pretty mind-boggling when you consider the speed the other chairs in your life don't move at) driving is, for the most part, a pleasurable experience for those who enjoy using cars for the purpose they were designed for. (Obviously those who don't like driving or are scared of it are exempt from the above.)

There's one thing sure to spoil any nice drive, though: a traffic jam. They're a pain in the arse whether they come in the form of backed-up traffic over a narrow hump-backed bridge due to a lost sheep standing bewildered in the middle of a single-track road, gridlock in a town centre or one of those inexplicable jams that form on a motorway, force everyone to sit stationary for approximately 500 years then start moving again with absolutely no trace of whatever caused the jam at the front of it.

So that's why it's important to have a repertoire of entertainment ready. Those of you with kids will have probably played I-Spy to death. But you don't always have kids with you, and indeed sometimes you're all by yourself. So here is a selection of Things to Do in a Traffic Jam, with some suitable for solo play, others suitable for a party of disgruntled passengers to join in with.

Rev-Counter Roulette

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Stationary
Danger level: Mild peril

Put your car in neutral or at the very least, push the clutch all the way down. Players take a moment to place their bets from 1-whatever your rev counter goes up to. (Obviously you need a rev counter to play this.) When everyone has placed a bet, quickly press the accelerator pedal as hard as you like (or not). Whoever bet the closest to the highest point your rev counter reached wins and gets a travel sweet and/or the opportunity to punch everyone else in the face.

Gangster Trip-Meter

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: None

Agree a timeframe appropriate for the speed of the traffic. If it is moving a bit, five minutes. If it is going very slowly, perhaps ten minutes. Set your car's trip meter to zero and set a timer for the timeframe you decided. Place bets on what the trip meter will read at the end of the timeframe. Whoever bet the closest to the final result wins.

Optional rule: whoever bet furthest away from the final result has to remove an item of clothing, which makes the following game much more interesting if it's cold.

Master of Elements

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Any
Danger level: Slim to none

Depending on the ambient temperature, set the car's heating system to whatever will be most uncomfortable and turn the fan up to full. If it's very cold, you may also wish to open all the windows. The first person to complain that it's too hot/too cold/too windy is the loser and gets ridiculed by everyone else and/or punched in the face.

Optional rule: Strip rules may also be added to this game. Depending on the temperature, this may be a benefit or a handicap.

Frogger

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Moderate

Set yourself a time limit appropriate for the amount of traffic and the speed it is moving. For heavy and/or stationary traffic, use a longer time limit. In the time limit attempt to change lanes from the inside to the outside lane as many times as possible.

Warning: Playing this game will cause most other members of the traffic jam to think you are a complete dick. If you are driving a BMW or Mercedes, you can play this game without fear, as people will expect you to be driving like that anyway.

The World's Slowest Drag Race

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Mild peril

Set yourself a time limit and choose a target in another lane. Don't choose a BMW or Mercedes, or anyone who is obviously playing Frogger, because they'll change lanes a lot. Start the clock and see who is further ahead at the end of the time limit.

If you're driving in convoy with other people, you can play this with the other convoy members. Passengers in the losing car have to perform forfeits such as getting their bums out.

#oneaday Day 56: Trendsetter

Trends are bizarre, inexplicable and ultimately meaningless if you have a mind of your own. I find it impossibly difficult to fathom sometimes how one minute something can be excellent, popular, wonderful, critically acclaimed and all manner of superlatives, then the next it is shit, awful, bollocks, crap and proof that you are a complete fuckwit if you dare to admit you like it in the company of anyone with a face.

There are few places where this is more apparent than in the world of "celebrities"—and my God how much I hate that word, but that's an entirely different story. I have one specific example in mind and that is the comedian Michael McIntyre. He appeared on the scene a year or two pack, mostly on panel shows such as Mock the Week, and he proved himself to be an entertaining, clever, well-spoken funnyman with floppy, silly hair that I could relate to. We started seeing some of his stand-up on TV, and I thought his material was very funny and a little different from other acts around at the time. At some indeterminate point in about the last year or so, it became fashionable to hate him and slag him off.

To be perfectly honest, I wonder exactly how many people who use Michael McIntyre as a whipping boy for what is supposedly the lowest of the low comedy have actually watched his whole act, and how many of them are simply following the trend. Who decided it was time to hate McIntyre? Why? Where did that "trend" originally come from? It must have started with someone and spread virally. Public opinions don't do complete U-turns without some sort of influence—and McIntyre himself is the same as he's always been.

It happens in all media too; Square's Final Fantasy series, once beloved by most gamers (or at least the ones who liked JRPGs) is now belittled and complained about by almost everyone. The games aren't any worse (I'm playing FFXIII right now and while it could be argued to be a step backwards from the complete change of direction that was FFXII, it's certainly not a bad, boring, stupid, dumb game like some people have ranted at great length about) and sure, Square could probably stand to re-release the first four games in the series a few less times and the others a few more times… but Square hate is also in fashion right now.

I'm not objecting to anyone having opinions, you understand. People are free to like or dislike whatever the hell they want, whether it's music, games, movies, books, celebrities, foods or even abstract concepts. The idea of people belittling each other based on what they enjoy, though? That's just stupid. I hate The X-Factor and related TV shows, for example, and have even moaned about them a great deal in the past. But I figured out that there was absolutely no point in doing so, because even if it is the shittest of the shit (and it is) there are people out there who enjoy it and aren't going to listen however much you try and convince them otherwise.

So here's a thought, then. Why don't we start a new trend—a trend of saying "I like this, give it a try, it's cool if you don't"? Okay, sure, as slogans go it's not the catchiest one out there. But it's better than "I hate this and you should too even if you have no idea what I'm talking about!"