#oneaday Day 427: Struggling

I'm struggling a bit at the minute. I had an anxiety attack at work this afternoon that was so bad it made me want to go to the doctors and get signed off sick immediately. Unfortunately (or thankfully?) they weren't able to make an appointment for me at 4.30pm on a Friday afternoon, so I wasn't able to really sort anything out. But I'm starting to feel increasingly like I need to take some time for myself, away from the things that are stressing me out (none of which are my creative endeavours, I should hasten to add — they are a safe haven for me), so that I can get my head into a somewhat more… functional place.

Only trouble is, I'm kind of scared to do so. I've mentioned previously about my workplace's somewhat overbearing attitude towards sickness absence, and I kind of feel like they won't necessarily be super-supportive of mental health issues. This is probably the anxiety talking, of course — they may well, in fact, be super-supportive of such things — but right now I am a bundle of paranoid nerves, absolutely terrified of everything that goes on at work. When, rationally speaking, I know there is nothing going on that I should be terrified about; I'm still doing the things that are asked of me to a good standard, and there are still things I'm able to do that, say, my line manager isn't able to do.

But I feel crazy stressed. I don't think it's necessarily work itself that's causing it — although I suspect being a bit bored and frustrated may have contributed to it — but the workplace does not feel like a particularly healthy environment for me to be when I'm feeling like this. I'm worried that someone is going to "pick up" on something or other, and I'll end up snapping at them or saying something stupid that will make things worse.

I'll see how the weekend goes. I have my "coping with worry" workshop tomorrow morning, and I'll try and make a doctors' appointment first thing next week, if only to just talk about things and get their opinion on whether or not I should have some time off. I can't keep going like this though.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and have a pleasant weekend; we're recording a new podcast tomorrow, so that should take my mind off things.