#oneaday Day 577: A non-comprehensive ranking of some slightly unusual crisps

Yesterday, we covered what I described as "regular-ass crisps". The crisps that you see that are just called "crisps", whether they're by Walkers or a supermarket's own brand. Thin slices of potato, deep fried and seasoned with some sort of flavouring powder.

But the crunchy snack sector is more than just regular-ass crisps, as anyone who had a lunchbox in the 1980s will know. There is a whole world of slightly unusual crisps out there, and today I wanted to celebrate some of my favourites — old and new — with another ranking.

To match yesterday, I will be choosing six slightly unusual types or flavours of crisps or crisp-adjacent snack (i.e. puffed corn snacks count) and ranking them in such a way that absolutely no-one will ever want to argue with me or tell me I'm wrong.

Let's begin!

6. Walkers Worcester Sauce

Now, I know this is technically a regular-ass crisp, but Worcester Sauce is also a "limited edition" flavour — although Walkers have done it so many times at this point that they might as well just make it part of the regular-ass lineup, because it's proven pretty much beyond a doubt at this point that people like it.

As for me, I like it a lot — it probably ranks above prawn cocktail, top of my regular-ass crisps ranking, if we're just talking about regular-ass crisps. But if we're talking about slightly unusual crisps, it ranks low because it's not especially unusual.

Flavour-wise, it does everything I like in a crisp or crisp-adjacent snack, which is to say it has enough sour flavour to make your cheeks turn inside out. If they'd just do Walkers Max, But Worcester Sauce Flavour, I think I'd die happy. From cholesterol-related heart failure.

5. Tangy Toms

I don't even know if you can get these any more (EDIT: you can), but these were a staple of the 1980s school lunchbox. Notable for being extremely cheap compared to regular-ass crisps, they also carried that super-sour artificial flavour that I like so much, but applied to a puffed corn snack rather than a potato chip. This time around, the flavour was supposedly tomato, but I ain't never tasted a tomato that tasted like Tangy Toms.

It was a good day any day these were in the lunchbox. I'm only ranking them so relatively low because the bag size was always a bit stingy, but I guess you get what you pay for when you're buying 10p crisps.

4. Wotsits Giant Prawn Cocktail flavour

Wotsits? Good. Prawn cocktail? Good. For a brief period in the '80s, you could get flavours of Wotsits other than the standard cheese, including beef and prawn cocktail, and they were both great, but got phased out after a while because we can't have nice things permanently, apparently. In more recent years, Wotsits have taken a cue from Cheetos with the Flamin' Hot flavour, which is good, but for their Giant variants (which are literallly just Wotsits, but bigger) they also reintroduced prawn cocktail.

And it's a good prawn cocktail flavour, in that it doesn't taste anything like prawns or Marie Rose sauce, but it is both delicious and dangerously addictive. I can happily demolish a big bag of these, and this is why I am fat. Better that than, like, heroin, though, right?

3. "Party Mix" from convenience stores

I don't know what brand makes this. I have a feeling it might be like a Happy Shopper own brand or something. But you hopefully know what I mean: comes in huge bags, contains a mix of all manner of different shaped potato and corn snacks, all liberally doused in flavouring powder, producing some of the most potent flavour explosions in the crunchy snacking space.

My main point of reference for these is that you can get them in the "ParcMarket" at Center Parcs, which I believe is technically a Co-Op, but I've also seen something similar in our local convenience store, which I believe is Happy Shopper-related. I think they even do a prawn cocktail one, which sounds like an exceedingly dangerous thing to provide me with a huge bag of.

2. Lay's All-dressed

I've had these precisely once in Canada and I've been kind of pining for them ever since. As the name suggests, they are supposedly "all of the flavours" on one crisp, and I'm not sure that quite comes across, but they are delicious.

Given that Lay's are basically the Walkers of North America (they're both owned by Pepsi), I'm surprised this particular flavour never made it over to the UK, because I think it would probably go down a storm here. I'll have to see if I can import some… although part of me is afraid to, just in case the second taste is more disappointing than the first!

1. Takis Fuego

A relatively recent discovery for me thanks to the fact our local convenience store carries them, these have quickly become my favourite crisp-adjacent snack of choice. For the unfamiliar, Takis are like what would happen if you rolled up a Dorito before cooking it. Their shape means they carry a lot of flavour, because there's flavour powder on all the rolled-up layers, and the Fuego flavour in particular is already pretty strong.

With an initial chilli kick, a bit of limey zing and a lingering heat, these probably aren't for everyone. But give me a choice of all the crispy things in the world, and I will probably gravitate towards these more often than anything else.

Conclusions? Crisps!

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#oneaday Day 576: A ranking of the regular-ass crisp flavours

Hello. I couldn't think of anything to write about today — at least not without threatening to be depressingly topical, which I'm keen to avoid — so I thought I'd fall back on something completely inoffensive and not at all controversial, which is my ranking of the regular-ass crisp flavours that you get in an average multipack.

For clarity, this means the following flavours:

Ready salted
Salt and vinegar
Cheese and onion
Roast chicken
Prawn cocktail
Smoky bacon

Now, the exact "goodness" of each of these varies according to manufacturer, but based on a sampling of two ends of the market — Walkers (a "prestige" brand of sorts) and Lidl "Snaktastic" own-brand — I feel pretty confident in my rankings. So let us begin immediately.

6. Cheese and onion

I will grant that I am biased in this regard, because I do not like onion or onion-flavoured things, but it continually mystifies me that this is, supposedly, the most popular crisp flavour in the United Kingdom, according to multiple surveys.

I wouldn't mind if it was a little bit cheesy, but I've decided to give these a chance on multiple occasions and simply cannot get past the revolting onion-ness of them, with the "cheese" part seemingly being totally overpowered by it.

By contrast, I absolutely love the sadly defunct beef and onion flavour crisps that Walkers used to do in the brown packets. Those, to me, didn't taste oniony at all, but the artificial beef flavour (which doesn't really taste like beef at all) came through perfectly well. But I don't think you can get those any more — I haven't seen them for a good while, anyway — so they're out of the rankings for now.

5. Ready salted

These may be ranked low on my list, but not because I don't like them; on the contrary, sometimes it's nice to have a simple salted flavour. They're just a bit dull though.

To my shame, on one occasion at primary school where I found I had a packet of ready salted crisps in my lunchbox, I became so inexplicably furious that I didn't have one of the "good" flavours that I crushed them angrily rather than eating them. I don't really know why I did that, and it's a memory I firmly wish I could eject from my long-term storage.

These days, I am not infuriated by ready salted crisps. But they are usually the last to go. Andie ranks them quite highly, though, so it's not as if they go to waste.

4. Smoky bacon

The next few are all a tough call to rank, as I specifically like all of them, but out of all of them, I think I'd probably put smoky bacon flavour at the bottom of the heap.

There's nothing wrong with smoky bacon and, like ready salted, the intense saltiness of the flavour is sometimes exactly what you're looking for in a crisp. But, when presented with an array of different crisp flavours to choose from, smoky bacon is rarely the one I reach for first.

3. Roast chicken

Likewise roast chicken. I rank this flavour slightly higher because it feels like you don't see these as often as you used to, and thus sometimes I will pick them as a "novelty" option.

There are also some truly excellent "luxury" roast chicken options available, with the one most people are likely familiar with being Walkers Sensations. To my recollection, the roast chicken flavour of these was the first to become widely available, and they are very good crisps.

They don't taste anything like chicken, of course, but very few crisp flavours do actually taste like their name — with the exception of ready salted and salt and vinegar, for obvious reasons.

2. Salt and vinegar

Salt and vinegar is one of my favourite crisp flavours. I particularly enjoy a strongly seasoned salt and vinegar crisp — the kind that is surprisingly, intensely sour. Regular old Walkers are decent in this regard, but I think the best salt and vinegar flavour outside of explicitly luxury brands like Kettle Chips is probably the Walkers Max ridged variants.

Crinkly crisps tend to have stronger flavours anyway, and when you have something that is already fairly pungent, like salt and vinegar, crinkling them and putting them on a thick crisp makes them even better.

It was a close-run thing between this and the top spot, I can tell you. But ultimately this is where the results fell.

1. Prawn cocktail

Another crisp flavour that has the dubious honour of not tasting anything like what it's supposed to, prawn cocktail crisps have always been, for me, the ultimate flavour. They combine everything I like about an artificial crisp flavour. You've got the saltiness. You've got the sourness of vinegar. You've got a touch of sweetness.

It all comes together to create a flavour that makes my mouth water to imagine. Prawn cocktail is an awesome flavour, regardless of what type of crisp it is applied to, and is pretty much always my top pick when given an array of different flavours to choose from.

So there you have it. Those are my rankings, and nothing you can do will change my mind. If you're lucky, I might rank some "unusual" flavours tomorrow!

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#oneaday Day 188: Afterparty

Work Christmas do today. We started at 3pm so I was pretty much tapped out physically and mentally by 7pm, so I'm now safely ensconced in my Travelodge room.

This does, of course, mean that I won't have any particularly embarrassing stories to share — unless you count tapping out early as "embarrassing", in which case, get over yourself, some of us can't handle more than a few hours in a noisy environment without our synapses frying — but I do have something else to share thanks to stopping in at a dodgy off-license on the walk from King's Cross station to the hotel.

Dessert Skittles! I wasn't going to let a novelty like that just slip past unnoticed, so it's time for an impromptu taste test. Here are the supposed flavours, as outlined by the packaging:

If that's hard to read, we are promised Cherry Cheesecake, Choco-Orange Cake, Blueberry Tart, Lemon Pie and Strawberry Ice Cream. Let's get crackin' with the snackin'!

Cherry Cheesecake: Very cherry-y, which is not a flavour I typically associate with Skittles. Not actively unpleasant, though. There's a strange aftertaste — which I assume is supposed to be the "cheesecake' part — that doesn't quite work for me, but on the whole, these are Pretty Okay.

Choco-Orange Cake: The first one of these I tried, I didn't like at all, because it just tastes like an orange Skittle gone wrong. Orange Skittles already exist, after all, and are good. It's the "choco" part that is the problem, particularly as the "choco" and "cake" part of the equation are added without any real chocolate or cake being involved. A second go made this one much more palatable, though, so don't give up on these if the first one tastes a bit funny.

Blueberry Tart: An actually pretty convincing blueberry flavour. No real trace of the "tart" part, but who cares? Skittles are about the fruit flavours. Like the cherry ones, blueberry isn't a flavour I would typically associate with Skittles, but it works. Probably the best so far.

Lemon Pie: This is another example of them taking a Skittles flavour that already exists and making it slightly worse, this time by adding a slight meringue flavour. Not the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth, but just straight up lemon Skittles are indisputable better.

Strawberry Ice Cream: And another instance of messing with arguable perfection. These are the red Skittles, but slightly worse. Again, not actively unpleasant, but not as good as the regular flavours.

On the whole, then, Desserts Skittles are a resounding Not Bad. I don't think I'd grab them again if regular Skittles were also on offer, but they're not going in the bin, let's put it that way. Nope, they're going in Mr Tums to soak up some of the many cocktails from earlier while I watch some garbage on TV.

Thank you for indulging me this fine evening. I do have a story I can tell about this evening (that isn't about our group) but I'll save that for tomorrow. For now, comfy bed, sugary snacks, chronic flatulence and trash TV. Good night!

#oneaday Day 155: Four things you probably shouldn't put on a sandwich (but you actually should at least once)

The British tendency to make crap food is well-documented. But a lot of it comes from an honest place: the desire to eat something which is both delicious and absolutely terrible for you. Therefore, today I present you with an exclusive lineup of four sandwich recipes that you should probably try late at night without telling anyone, lest they think less of you for even contemplating trying one of these.

Me, meanwhile, my self-esteem can't really get much lower, so I don't mind admitting that I have tried and loved all of these at various points in time. So take it from me, an absolute complete and utter loser, that these are just the thing for when you fancy a cheeky supper but you 1) don't want to order from the kebab shop for the fifth time that week and 2) don't have very much in the cupboards.

The sauce sandwich

This tangy little number is just the thing for when you want a little bit of a kick — or a lot, if you elect to use some form of hot or chilli sauce. My personal preference is for HP sauce, as its somewhat "sweet and sour" nature complements the savoury nature of the buttered bread nicely, but you can use any condiment sauce you happen to have knocking around in your cupboard. I do not recommend attempting this with non-condiment sauces such as fish sauce.

Ingredients:
White bread (2 slices)
Butter or similar spread
Bottle of sauce

Method:
1. Arrange two slices of bread on a plate side by side.

2. Butter both slices of bread with the spread of your choice.

3. Apply a liberal helping of the sauce of your choice. The pattern in which you apply the sauce is up to you, but I personally favour a sort of spiral pattern.

4. (Optional) Spread the sauce across the bread with a knife for even coverage.

5. Close the sandwich and enjoy.

The crisp sandwich

This delightful recipe is all about texture and juxtaposition. The softness of the bread and the smoothness of the spread gives way to the jagged, brittle crisps contained within — and the same happens with the flavour. The simple, uncomplicated, savoury bread opens each bite, which then concludes with an explosion of taste from the crisps. For the best possible crisp sandwiches, use that kind of crisps that clearly has too much flavouring powder on them; the kind that makes your tongue numb. I recommend Seabrook's prawn cocktail flavour.

Ingredients:
White bread (2 slices)
Butter or similar spread
Bag of crisps

Method:
1. Arrange two slices of bread on a plate side by side.

2. Butter both slices of bread with the spread of your choice.

3. Empty the entire bag of crisps onto one of the slices of bread. Make sure you don't lose any.

4. Close the sandwich and apply pressure to crush the crisps slightly. Enjoy!

The pie sandwich

This truly indulgent feast is ideal for when you just can't get enough carbs. The exact nature of the pie isn't super-important, though something like a meat pie, Ginsters steak bake or something along those lines tends to work the best. The important thing is that you are damn well putting an entire pie in a sandwich, and you are going to love it.

Ingredients:
White bread (2 slices)
Butter or similar spread
A pie

Method:
1. Arrange two slices of bread on a plate side by side.

2. Butter both slices of bread with the spread of your choice.

3. (Optional) Warm the pie according to its instructions, ideally in the oven, but the microwave will suffice if you can't wait.

4. Lay the pie on one of the slices of bread.

5. Close the sandwich. If the pie is tall, apply pressure to flatten it down to better fit in the sandwich. A steak bake is already the ideal size and shape for a sandwich.

6. Enjoy. If you warmed the pie, be careful, as the filling will be hot!

The sugar sandwich

Time for dessert with this sweet treat! You don't have to wait until after your main meal to enjoy this one, as it makes an excellent snack at any time of day, particularly 1am, and especially after you've been drinking.

Ingredients:
White bread (2 slices)
Butter or similar spread
Sugar to taste (golden or brown sugar is best)

Method:
1. Arrange two slices of bread side by side on a plate.

2. Butter both slices of bread with the spread of your choice.

3. Apply sugar liberally across one of the slices. Then add a bit more just for good measure.

4. Close the sandwich and enjoy your sweet treat.

Disclaimer

If you die or suffer any sort of mishap as a result of consuming any one of these sandwiches, it absolutely wasn't my fault. I also take no responsibility for anyone judging you if they happen to walk in on you making or consuming one of these. If you have even contemplated making any of these, you already know what you're getting yourself into, so you can get yourself out of it, too.

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1995: Diet-Friendly Snacky Things

Since starting Slimming World, I've had to make a number of adjustments to my lifestyle to ensure that I continue to lose weight. And it's been a lot easier to do than I thought it would be; while there are days when I still miss cake or really, really want a whole bag of Wine Gums, for the most part I'm pretty much okay. And the reason for this is that I've found a number of acceptable "substitutes" for those times when I just want to eat something as a snack — not a full meal, but just something to munch on for whatever reason.

I have a couple of weaknesses that contributed to my weight gain in the first place: firstly, I very much have a weakness for sweet things (such as the aforementioned cake and wine gums) and secondly, I have a tendency to eat when I'm depressed (which is quite often) or when I'm bored (which often leads to depression). These habits are fundamental parts of my character that I can't eliminate entirely, but which I can act upon in a more… responsible manner.

As such, here are some of the diet-friendly snacky things that I tend to make sure I have in the cupboard or fridge at all times, so that any time I'm feeling peckish for whatever reason, I can grab them and enjoy them without guilt that I'm ruining the hard work I've been doing.

Laughing Cow Little Cravings

miniCheese-large These things were a revelation. I wouldn't call myself a particular cheese addict — in stark contrast to my wife, who loves a bit of cheese, despite technically being lactose intolerant — but I do like cheesy things now and then. What Little Cravings are is small, bite-size cubes of Laughing Cow cheese spread, optionally flavoured to taste a bit like "real" cheese — in the case of the pack shown on the right, cheddar, smoked processed cheese and blue cheese.

They're surprisingly tasty and satisfy a craving when one comes long. Plus at half a Syn each (you can have 5-15 Syns per day) on Slimming World, they really are pretty much guilt-free, which is exactly what I want from a snack.

Metcalfe's Skinny Popcorn

sweet_nsalt_large I love popcorn. My favourite is toffee popcorn, which obviously (probably — I haven't checked) isn't at all diet-friendly, but Metcalfe's range of "skinny popcorn" (sometimes found branded as "skinny topcorn" for some reason) is really tasty, comes in a variety of different flavours (I'm a particular fan of the sweet and salty variety pictured here, along with the cinnamon and honey flavoured ones) and is very low on the Syns, at 2.5 Syns per small bag or serving (a little under 20g, which in popcorn terms is actually a reasonably generous portion).

While it's not quite the same as a bag of crisps, a bag of popcorn, I find, satisfies that similar urge for something crunchy and/or salty (or, sometimes, sweet, depending on the flavour) so I'm going to make sure I have plenty of this on hand when I can.

Muller Light

116361011_0_640x640 I was never a big yogurt-eater while I was growing up. I had that childish thing where I didn't like "bits" in my yogurt, and while I don't mind it now, I still generally prefer a smooth dessert of some description.

Enter Muller Light, then, which is not only Syn-free for most flavours (there are a couple of exceptions) but which has a range of very tasty smooth flavours, some of which even have sprinkles of dark chocolate on them, helping to satisfy chocolate cravings. It's not a lot of chocolate, admittedly, but it's better than nothing — and it's completely guilt-free, which is just wonderful. I particularly recommend the vanilla with chocolate, orange with chocolate, coconut with chocolate and skinny cappuccino flavours, the latter of which I am disappointed that I haven't been able to find recently.

Fish

ProductLarge_Eng2_AMEND_MackerelFilletsSpicyTomatoSauce I eat a lot more fish than I used to. A quick and easy lunch for me these days is a bowl of rice with some smoked mackerel in some kind of sauce stirred into it. Most of these are Syn-free, too (there are exceptions, but none of them are particularly high — you're safe with the tomato and spicy tomato varieties, which are both Syn-free) and between them and the rice (which is Syn-free if you cook it properly, one Syn if you're lazy and use the Uncle Ben's pouches thanks to the oil in them) they satisfy hunger for a good long period, making them ideal for either lunch or just a snack if you're feeling particularly hungry. You will smell of fish, though, so be prepared to explain that.