#oneaday Day 108: Punch punch punch

Because I'm sick of feeling like a decrepit old man and I can't quite muster up the mental wellbeing to head to the gym right now, I dusted off my copy of Fitness Boxing 2 for Nintendo Switch and have been giving it a go for the last couple of days. I considered grabbing the new Hatsune Miku version of the game, but it's £50 and I haven't yet established a good routine with the two previous entries in the series I have on my shelf. So I thought I'd do something about it.

The trouble with exercise is that it always feels like it's going to be a bloody nightmare to get started, particularly after a long period of inactivity, but then once you actually do it it's rather satisfying. My two sessions of Fitness Boxing 2 over the past couple of days have been hard work for someone as out of shape as I am — though my rhythm game skills have netted me a "Fitness Age" of 24 on both occasions, thereby proving once and for all that such a metric is, as everyone suspected, complete bollocks — but I've come out of both of them feeling like I've done something worthwhile, and something that, in the long run, will be good for me.

For those unfamiliar with Fitness Boxing, it's a game that somewhat follows the mould of Nintendo's classic Wii-era fitness games, only with a bit more of a specific focus rather than providing lots of minigames. At its core, it's a rhythm game, tasking you with using the Joy-Cons to punch in various ways and, in the more advanced workouts, ducking, weaving and suchlike, too — though pleasingly, given how dodgy the motion detection can be on movements other than punching, you can turn any troublesome exercises off, or set the game to automatically score you "Perfect" on them, regardless of what the Joy-Cons tell the Switch you were doing.

A full daily workout consists of several stages, beginning and ending with some simple stretches. In between, you'll have a series of specific workouts of varying degrees of intensity and difficulty, typically following your opening stretches and preceding your closing stretches with something relatively gentle and putting one or more fairly high-intensity (and longer) ones in the middle.

Each individual stage tends to unfold in the same way. You'll start in "orthodox" stance (left foot forward, right foot back) and gradually be introduced to a complete combo, usually one move at a time but sometimes a bit quicker in the shorter, lower-intensity stages. You'll gradually build up to performing the full combo, and in a special "Zone" sequence where you get more points, you perform the full combo multiple times in rapid succession — typically four, six or eight times in a row without a gap in between, depending on the length of the combo.

After that, you switch to "southpaw" stance (right foot forward, left foot back) and then do the exact same thing, but the other way around. In the higher intensity, longer workouts, you'll then do another combo, again both in orthodox and southpaw stances, and then you're done.

Typically a short stage lasts about 5-6 minutes, and longer stages are about 11-12 minutes apiece. The "Normal" intensity workout for a day consists of stretches, two short stages and two long stages, totalling about 35-40 minutes of activity altogether; you also have the choice of doing a slightly shorter or longer workout, which equates to about 25-30 or 45-50 minutes of activity respectively by varying the number of stages in the complete workout.

As someone who is desperately unfit, the pacing of the exercises seem OK to me at the moment. The longer stages definitely feel like an effort to endure, but that's good — they're not so difficult that I can't make it through them, but I do feel like I'm doing some actual work that will be beneficial.

I could be doing them better, of course; the game suggests that when you're not punching, you bob back and forth in time with the music and I can't quite manage to keep that up constantly along with all the other stuff, but I'm sure I can get there over the long term. The important thing is, after all, getting started.

The trainer voices throughout are rather repetitive, but helpful in giving you cues and encouragement, and the visual demonstration of what you're supposed to be doing ("mirrored" so you can follow along more easily) is very helpful. The game-like feel to the whole thing makes it feel more "fun" than some other forms of exercise, and there's a wide range of musical accompaniments to go along with your workouts — including both instrumental versions of "real" songs and some original stuff composed specifically for the game. The original stuff is actually quite a bit better than some of the Kidz Bop-tier arrangements, but honestly part of the fun of the game is the absurdity inherent in aggressively throwing punches to something like Hot and Cold by Katy Perry or the frigging YMCA.

I have a long drive tomorrow afternoon after work, and then a long drive back home after work the day after, so I'll likely take a rest for at least tomorrow and possibly the day after also, depending on how I feel when I get back, but I intend to get back to this as soon as I can. It feels pitched at about the level I can deal with right now, and I think it'll just be helpful to get moving a bit in any way. Because I'm sick of waking up aching all over like someone twice my age, and I suspect a significant part of the reason that is happening is because I haven't been exercising.

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#oneaday Day 81: Pep Talk

I am failing hard at my weight loss and fitness goals, so I am going to use today's opportunity to give myself something of a pep talk. Hopefully laying down the things I've been feeling — and how I feel about things not going the right way — on "paper" will help me put them into perspective and move forwards.

First of all, I'll say that "failing" is probably the wrong word. I have suffered a temporary setback. It is a temporary setback that has been going on for probably a couple of months at this point, but if we're looking at the big picture, I'm still a stone lighter than when I started all this. That is Progress, and I shouldn't put myself down too hard when I have made Progress.

However, my trouble is that I've become complacent. My brain has figured that it knows what I'm "supposed" to do in order to keep the weight loss going, and it has led me to assume that it knows best and is able to do the "right" things instinctively.

Well, brain, you cannot do these things instinctively. You have been making a right hash of things of late. But it's not too late to sort things out. You need to take a moment to reflect why you're doing this, then recalibrate yourself to follow the Slimming World programme carefully, methodically and fastidiously. No thinking "oh, a quick Meal Deal won't hurt". No thinking "ah, one Greggs won't hurt". No thinking outright potentially harmful thoughts like "maybe I just won't eat for most of tomorrow".

No, brain, instead, you know you have a clear structure within which to work. And that means making an effort to prioritise the foods that Slimming World defines as "free" — for the unfamiliar, this includes not only the usual sort of fruits and vegetables that you'd expect, including potatoes, but also pasta, rice and some grains.

On top of that "free" stuff, you have two "Healthy Extra A" choices, which are carefully measured things in the dairy area, and one "Healthy Extra B" choice, which is fibre-related, and usually takes the form of something like a carefully measured bowl of Shredded Wheat, two slices of wholemeal bread, stuff like that.

And on top of that, you have your "Syns", which covers everything else. And these are the things that are probably the most important to count. Because while you can technically have anything on Slimming World, it's important to ensure you're 100% aware of what you're putting in your mouth and how much of it you're putting in your mouth, too. One or two little treats that are a couple of Syns each are fine; a whole "Sharing" bagful is not.

Since the first time I did Slimming World (and had a lot of success with it first time around), they've started to place a greater focus on "trigger foods", and I think that's something I really need to be mindful of. Trigger foods are the things that "set you off" onto a path that will harm your overall weight loss. In my case, it's things like getting a big bag of some sort of "treat", be it sweet or savoury, and telling myself "I'll just have a bit at a time". I inevitably do not have a bit at a time and end up eating the whole bag. This is, as I'm sure you can appreciate, a Problem.

Thing is, I am aware of the behaviours I'm exhibiting, and how they're symptomatic of someone with an addiction. I have seen them in other people who were addicted to things other than food. Trouble is, an addiction to food, which is clearly what I am having to deal with, is not something which is taken anywhere near as seriously as an addiction to alcohol or drugs, but clearly it can be harmful.

And it's not as if I don't want to fix myself. I'm fed up of not being able to sleep well because my whole body hurts. I'm fed up of not physically being able to do things because I'm too big. I'm fed up of it being difficult to find clothes that fit. And I'm fed up of still living with this fucking hernia that randomly flares up into excruciating pain on an unpredictable basis, and being unable to get treatment for it because I'm too fat.

Annoyingly, I've tried seeking medical help for this, and all I got was a useless "course" where I spoke to someone on Zoom once every two weeks, got no particularly helpful advice that I didn't know already, was repeatedly asked if I wanted bariatric surgery (I emphatically do not, for a variety of reasons) and made hardly any progress. So I guess it's up to me.

So brain, you have two options. Give up, which I know you don't want to do, or start taking this seriously. Start writing down everything you eat, including when you have "too much". Start measuring those Healthy Extras and counting those Syns. And be fastidious about it. Don't be afraid to mess up and acknowledge that you messed up; in writing this post in the first place, I'm admitting to myself that I messed up. And don't be in denial that there is a problem here which needs to be solved.

This evening, it is time to reflect and consider the situation. From first thing tomorrow morning, it's a clean "break" from the past, and a new beginning. Let's get this done.

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#oneaday Day 10: A Success

I did it! I got up at a sensible hour rather than 5 minutes before work started, I had a cup of coffee, then I damn well went for a swim. Did 20 lengths at my excruciatingly slow pace (I've never claimed to be good at swimming) and came home feeling surprisingly chipper. I hate it when those people who say exercise is good for you are right. But hey. You have to celebrate the small victories on the road to lasting change, or something.

One thing I found less than good about my trip to the pool today was the fact they've installed lockers that eat your 10p coins rather than letting you have your coin back when you're done. This would have been mildly annoying 10-15 years ago, but in an age where hardly anyone carries cash around any more it's absolutely infuriating. At least it's only 10p a time rather than a pound.

But I removed that from the equation, as the leisure complex in the town centre that I rather like and have been a member of numerous times in the past was running a very good deal on annual memberships, so I decided to make a proper commitment and signed up for a year of both swimming and gym membership. That gives me maximum flexibility without being beholden to things that have frustrated me in the past, such as the university pool's schedule and suchlike.

Said centre's pool is open from first thing in the morning (well, 7am) until mid-afternoon every weekday except Friday, and the gym is just… there. Having free access to both for the next year will be a positive thing, so long as I can motivate myself to actually get down there. And I think, as with anything, it's just a matter of establishing good habits — a process that starts right now, this morning, with my trip to the pool.

I don't like being unfit, unhealthy and lazy. In fact, it really sucks. It actively upsets me. But the trouble with being unfit, unhealthy and lazy is that it's something of a vicious cycle: being unfit, unhealthy and lazy makes you more unfit, unhealthy and lazy, and then because you're unfit, unhealthy and lazy the prospect of doing something to make you not at least one of those three things often feels like an insurmountable obstacle.

I'm feeling weirdly motivated right now, though. Perhaps I really am on the way back up after a bit of a mental health crash in the last few weeks or so. Here's hoping I can keep up the momentum and go the distance. I'll likely use this blog as one means of keeping myself vaguely accountable, so we'll see how things go.

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A little positivity: gradual improvements.

As I've alluded to a number of times recently, the COVID years have really done a number on my body and mind. The enforced isolation from the initial lockdowns caused me to be even more inactive than I had previously been, and my weight and general wellbeing declined considerably as a result. (Well, my weight inclined. My general bodily wellbeing declined. You know what I mean.)

Given that decline, it's been very hard to 1) motivate myself to try and improve the situation and 2) actually improve the situation.

Andie and I have joined the local gym a couple of times in recent months/years, but we always ended up making excuses to not go, so I feel like that wasn't right for me — not in my present state, anyway. I needed something that was just plain relaxing and enjoyable, but which would do me some degree of "good", so I decided to start going for a walk a few evenings a week.

I've done this before and I've always found it quite pleasant; my hesitance to do it more often largely stems from the fact that we live on the top of a big hill and, as such, whichever direction you set off from, you always finish a walk having to climb quite a steep incline. Which, again, in my current state, is not particularly desirable. I know pushing yourself is good, but I don't think you appreciate what a terrible state my muscles are in.

With this in mind, I looked around the local parks for some suitable walking routes. I've been for walks on the big Common here in Southampton a number of times previously, and that's always very pleasant, but I fancied a bit of a change. So I decided to check out Riverside Park (not pictured in the header — that's a stock image!), an area that seems to be quite fondly regarded by local residents (those who are inclined to leave Google reviews on patches of grass, anyway) and have found it to be a nice place to try and build myself up a bit again.

I've been kicking off with a basic "circuit" of part of the park that comes out to a little over a mile in length. Not much, I know, but again, I'm not in a great state, so I wanted and needed to start relatively gently. Already, after just three trips doing along this route, I've felt an improvement. Not a huge one — it's very early days, of course — but an improvement nonetheless.

One thing I will note is that I'm very deliberately not quantifying or "gamifying" my walks. In fact, I'm making a specific effort to completely disconnect when I go for them. I leave my phone behind and carry nothing but my car key so it really is just me. No music, no podcasts, no distractions, no GPS tracking, no step counting — just me.

The reason for this is that I feel you can over-quantify the things you do. Yes, it can be motivational to have hard data and see how much you're improving — but equally, it can be demoralising to learn what you thought was an impressive achievement actually wasn't all that great. So I've ditched all that in favour of good old fashioned feelings. And, halfway through my walk this evening, I felt surprisingly good.

The reason for this was that I reached the "halfway point" (I say this in inverted commas because it's not really halfway, it just feels like it) a lot more quickly and easily than I have done on my previous couple of trips around this route. In fact, it almost felt like the initial part of the route flashed by almost inconsequentially, whereas on the first day I tried, it was a struggle to get moving at all.

I still felt like I'd had a reasonably decent workout (by my standards; please remember I am very unfit and very heavy) by the end of my walk. Things started to get noticeably more difficult on the "return journey", which I take on dirt paths rather than the paved outward bound route, but I made it back to my car without wanting to die, and with a sense of some satisfaction that I'd made some progress. A miniscule amount by the standards of someone who has a basic level of human fitness, sure, but a significant victory by my own standards.

I'm going to continue with this for a while and see how things go. Perhaps at some point I'll feel up to adding an additional "lap" to the circuit for an easy means of going a little further and pushing myself a little harder. For now, I think I've found my pace — and while it might not look like much to a bystander, it's definitely something to me.

Acknowledging When You Need Help, or At Least When You Need to Change

I'm going to share some stuff today that I'm a bit uncomfortable about sharing, but attempting to deal with it in private hasn't been going so well, so I'm hoping that making things a bit more "public" might help me somehow.

I'm not sure how yet — perhaps simply making people aware of what I'm dealing with might make me feel a bit better about it, or perhaps I need some sort of support. Exactly what form that support might take, I have no idea, but… anyway, enough preamble, let me just get into it before I talk myself out of sharing this.

As those who have known me for a while will know, I have struggled for a long time with my weight. It has been on a steadily upward spiral for pretty much my entire adult life and, barring an extremely successful stint with Slimming World a few years back, I have had great difficulty shedding weight and keeping it off. This has been a particular problem during the COVID years, since just general activity was pretty much a no-go for quite some time.

This is a fairly significant problem, not just for the obvious reasons, but also because I have been suffering with an extremely painful hernia for the past few years — and the doctors refuse to do anything about it unless I lose some weight, because apparently if I get it fixed in the state I'm in right now, it's very likely to just come back. It doesn't help, of course, that I am terrified of hospitals in general and surgery especially, but I'm kind of sort of coming to terms with the fact that at some point it will be necessary to confront that. But not yet.

This is extremely difficult and embarrassing to admit, but I hope that sharing it might help some people to understand why I find some things a bit of a struggle — things that "normal" folks would likely take in their stride on a daily basis. Things like, say, walking down to the shops in a group at lunchtime to get a sandwich; I just can't keep up with people.

I entirely accept that the situation I'm in is my own fault, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing. If anything, it makes it more embarrassing.

I currently weigh over 28 stone. I do not like admitting this because it's utterly shameful, but I'm putting it out there just so you understand where I'm coming from.

This is obviously extremely unhealthy and I am perfectly aware of that. It disgusts me to see myself in the mirror. None of my clothes fit properly. And any time someone in the street insults me for my weight (which has happened rather more often than I'd like) I have a hard time accepting that they're being unreasonable and unpleasant; part of me feels like I "deserve" the abuse.

I am taking measures to attempt to reduce that — specifically, my wife Andie and I are following the WeightWatchers (or "WW" as they prefer to call it now) plan. This means that we track our food intake daily according to various items' "points" values and, in doing so, both learn to think about what we're putting in our mouth and control what we're eating.

Trouble is, of late we (and particularly I) have been struggling with motivation to such a degree that it's tough to make it through a whole week staying "on plan". WW has a certain amount of flexibility built into it in that you can earn points "back" by eating vegetables and doing exercise, but that doesn't exactly cancel out a day when you eat way too much of the things you shouldn't be eating.

My trouble is, I have what I'd probably describe as an addiction, having been in a position to care for and be with people who have had other types of addiction. My addiction is not to alcohol or drugs, though; it's to food.

Food is my coping mechanism. If I'm sad, I want to eat. If I'm anxious, I want to eat. And when I want to eat, I don't want to "grab a handful of salad" or "enjoy this healthy treat packed with veggies" — I want chocolate, cake, bread, crisps, sugary drinks, that sort of thing. And I often find the urge to eat those things completely irresistible — even if we have none of them in the house. Living near a Tesco Express will do that to you.

Unfortunately, this leads to something of a vicious cycle. I am sad and anxious and angry because of my weight. Because I'm sad and anxious and angry, I eat, which makes my weight problem worse. I feel guilty about screwing my own body up, which makes me feel sad and anxious and angry, which… you get the idea. It is unhealthy coping mechanisms and an unhealthy relationship with food that has got me into this position, but I am having a real tough time breaking out of it.

The reason why I'm feeling particularly anxious about it right now is because in combination with the symptoms of "long COVID", I feel a complete wreck on a daily basis. All my joints ache. It hurts to sit down for too long. It hurts to stand up for too long. If I lie on my side for too long in the night, the knee on the bottom ends up in excruciating pain for a few minutes. I'm perpetually tired, and no amount of sleep seems to fix that.

I know very well that fixing all this is going to be a long and slow process — but that it is possible. The one light at the far-off end of an extremely long tunnel is that I know I've had success with this before. I've never felt so good in my adult life as when I was successful at Slimming World — but unfortunately a variety of both personal and professional stresses caused me to well and truly fall off the wagon, putting me in a worse situation than I've ever been in my life.

I don't want to hurt any more. I don't want to be sad any more. And I don't want to die before my time. I don't really know if or how anyone reading this is able to help, but I just want to put it out there that I could do with some help — even if it's simply a bit of consideration and understanding for the situation I'm in, and the knowledge that there are people out there not judging me negatively and harshly for ending up in such a horrible (albeit self-inflicted) situation, but who will be there to support and encourage me as I attempt to rescue myself from it.

Thanks for your time.

2101: Things I Couldn't Do

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I lost another three and a half pounds this week, bringing my total weight loss since the very end of January this year to five stone and six pounds — nearly five and a half stone. I may not be the sort of person who is particularly good at showing genuine-seeming excitement when speaking in person, but believe me, I'm pretty much ecstatic about this — though I have no intention of stopping here, as the initial "target" I set is still a little way off.

Back when I decided to start losing weight with Slimming World at the end of January, I was just under 23 stone. That is, quite obviously, Too Heavy. I'd always been aware I was overweight — particularly when arseholes in the street would make some off-colour fat joke in my direction — but towards the start of the year, I'd started to become somewhat conscious that more than just being roly-poly and jolly, things might actually have started becoming a bit of a problem.

I could tell this in a number of ways. Firstly and most obviously was the fact that I was terrified to know my actual weight. I wouldn't get on scales, I wouldn't even contemplate it. I just knew that I was too heavy, and I wouldn't tell anyone even what I thought I weighed. The most difficult part of attending my first Slimming World meeting was knowing that I'd find out exactly how much I weighed — and, to be perfectly honest, it was actually a little worse than I thought it was, since I'd silently estimated myself around the 20 stone mark for a while.

Secondly, I was extremely uncomfortable all the time. The chairs I sat in at the job I was working at at the time felt like they were too small for me, but I stubbornly refused to order a "special chair" like the one provided for the resident fat bloke in our department — who was considerably larger than me, even — because that felt humiliating. I was terrified of the prospect of going abroad ever again, because I didn't want to be one of the people who had to ask for a seat belt extension — that felt like it would be humiliating too. And I was still carrying around painful memories of the time Andie took me to Alton Towers for what should have been a really nice weekend — and was, for the most part — but which had at least part of it that felt utterly mortifying.

Thirdly, and somewhat related to the Alton Towers story, there were things that I felt like I simply couldn't do any more. I didn't go along to a significant part of a close friend's stag weekend because it involved doing stuff at Go Ape and riding Segways, and a bit of research beforehand indicated that I would probably be too heavy for both of those things. So instead I just joined the group for the evening's activities. I didn't feel like I could climb a ladder because I was scared it would break; I didn't feel I could even do basic do-it-yourself around the house that involved using a stepladder because there was a prominent notice on it indicating a maximum recommended weight that was significantly below what I actually weighed; I didn't feel safe standing on anything that was off the ground, in fact, even if it was quite obviously designed to hold up things considerably heavier than one miserable, overweight thirtysomething.

In short, I was utterly miserable, and I knew it was my own fault for not taking better care of myself. I'd eat crap day in, day out, kidding myself that I wasn't having much junk, just an occasional treat; I'd deal with emotional episodes by eating because I felt like I "deserved" something nice; sometimes I'd just eat because I was bored, and I felt like eating something sweet might relieve that boredom.

I knew all these things before I started Slimming World. What I wasn't prepared for was how surprisingly easy it ended up being to change those habits — and what an immediate impact it would have on both my physical and mental wellbeing. I lost eight pounds in my first week on the programme, and have seen fairly consistent losses (albeit somewhat smaller ones!) ever since. I feel happier and more confident in myself; I don't feel ashamed when I see myself in the mirror any more — sometimes I actually quite like what I see, as narcissistic as that might sound — and while I'm still uneasy to do some things such as climbing ladders, I know that even if I'm still not quite 100% at a stage where I can live life "normally", I am on the right track and that I will get there eventually, at least so far as my physical wellbeing goes. My mental health is, of course, another matter, but that's a whole other set of things to deal with that I'm not sure how to even start tackling just yet.

I've found myself thinking about the future a bit since seeing my progress. Not in a particularly grand way or anything — just thinking about the things that I wouldn't have been able to do at the start of this year (such as those mentioned above) that I would be able to now. Andie and I are having a belated "honeymoon" at Center Parcs at the very end of November, for example, and I know that everything about that holiday is going to be much more comfortable and enjoyable for me than the last time we went. (Not that I didn't enjoy last time, mind you; it was just physically exhausting to lug myself around.)

And I feel like it would be something of a symbolic "victory" for me if, once I reach my target (or perhaps even go beyond it if I feel like I want to go further), I return to Alton Towers and comfortably hop onto all the rides that I simply wasn't able to physically fit onto the last time I went. I don't feel I'm quite ready for that just yet, but it won't be that long now if I carry on at the rate I'm going. And that's a good feeling; there are many things in life that it's impossible to "take back", but thankfully the mistakes I've made with my body and my habits don't appear to be counted in that category.

1995: Diet-Friendly Snacky Things

Since starting Slimming World, I've had to make a number of adjustments to my lifestyle to ensure that I continue to lose weight. And it's been a lot easier to do than I thought it would be; while there are days when I still miss cake or really, really want a whole bag of Wine Gums, for the most part I'm pretty much okay. And the reason for this is that I've found a number of acceptable "substitutes" for those times when I just want to eat something as a snack — not a full meal, but just something to munch on for whatever reason.

I have a couple of weaknesses that contributed to my weight gain in the first place: firstly, I very much have a weakness for sweet things (such as the aforementioned cake and wine gums) and secondly, I have a tendency to eat when I'm depressed (which is quite often) or when I'm bored (which often leads to depression). These habits are fundamental parts of my character that I can't eliminate entirely, but which I can act upon in a more… responsible manner.

As such, here are some of the diet-friendly snacky things that I tend to make sure I have in the cupboard or fridge at all times, so that any time I'm feeling peckish for whatever reason, I can grab them and enjoy them without guilt that I'm ruining the hard work I've been doing.

Laughing Cow Little Cravings

miniCheese-large These things were a revelation. I wouldn't call myself a particular cheese addict — in stark contrast to my wife, who loves a bit of cheese, despite technically being lactose intolerant — but I do like cheesy things now and then. What Little Cravings are is small, bite-size cubes of Laughing Cow cheese spread, optionally flavoured to taste a bit like "real" cheese — in the case of the pack shown on the right, cheddar, smoked processed cheese and blue cheese.

They're surprisingly tasty and satisfy a craving when one comes long. Plus at half a Syn each (you can have 5-15 Syns per day) on Slimming World, they really are pretty much guilt-free, which is exactly what I want from a snack.

Metcalfe's Skinny Popcorn

sweet_nsalt_large I love popcorn. My favourite is toffee popcorn, which obviously (probably — I haven't checked) isn't at all diet-friendly, but Metcalfe's range of "skinny popcorn" (sometimes found branded as "skinny topcorn" for some reason) is really tasty, comes in a variety of different flavours (I'm a particular fan of the sweet and salty variety pictured here, along with the cinnamon and honey flavoured ones) and is very low on the Syns, at 2.5 Syns per small bag or serving (a little under 20g, which in popcorn terms is actually a reasonably generous portion).

While it's not quite the same as a bag of crisps, a bag of popcorn, I find, satisfies that similar urge for something crunchy and/or salty (or, sometimes, sweet, depending on the flavour) so I'm going to make sure I have plenty of this on hand when I can.

Muller Light

116361011_0_640x640 I was never a big yogurt-eater while I was growing up. I had that childish thing where I didn't like "bits" in my yogurt, and while I don't mind it now, I still generally prefer a smooth dessert of some description.

Enter Muller Light, then, which is not only Syn-free for most flavours (there are a couple of exceptions) but which has a range of very tasty smooth flavours, some of which even have sprinkles of dark chocolate on them, helping to satisfy chocolate cravings. It's not a lot of chocolate, admittedly, but it's better than nothing — and it's completely guilt-free, which is just wonderful. I particularly recommend the vanilla with chocolate, orange with chocolate, coconut with chocolate and skinny cappuccino flavours, the latter of which I am disappointed that I haven't been able to find recently.

Fish

ProductLarge_Eng2_AMEND_MackerelFilletsSpicyTomatoSauce I eat a lot more fish than I used to. A quick and easy lunch for me these days is a bowl of rice with some smoked mackerel in some kind of sauce stirred into it. Most of these are Syn-free, too (there are exceptions, but none of them are particularly high — you're safe with the tomato and spicy tomato varieties, which are both Syn-free) and between them and the rice (which is Syn-free if you cook it properly, one Syn if you're lazy and use the Uncle Ben's pouches thanks to the oil in them) they satisfy hunger for a good long period, making them ideal for either lunch or just a snack if you're feeling particularly hungry. You will smell of fish, though, so be prepared to explain that.

1982: Below the Threshold

Slimming World tonight, and this week I lost a pleasing 3.5lb. I'm particularly pleased about this because of the impending celebrations at the weekend, which will doubtless involve eating lots of things I "shouldn't".

But I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to enjoy the weekend to the fullest, then make sure I get back on plan once the weekend is over, and going by past experience, that should minimise the damage.

Tonight's result was pleasing for another reason, though: not only did it mark my crossing the "4 stone lost" threshold, I now find myself in a stone bracket that I can't remember the last time I was in. In other words, I'm the lightest I've been for quite some time. I still have a long way to go, but things are still going nicely in the right direction, which is very motivating.

I find myself wondering if my weight loss is going to continue, since there are some people in the group who really seem to struggle from week to week. At the moment, though, I'm not having too much difficulty keeping to the plan, and I'm seeing fairly consistent results. So in theory, if I just keep doing what I'm doing, things should continue the way they have been — at least until I eventually reach my target.

I don't know when that will be but after several years of despairing about my weight gain, I do now feel like I'll be able to reach it. It might take months or even years, but I have faith I'll get there.

1968: Another Week, Another Pound

Weigh-in night tonight, as it is every Wednesday, and I'm pleased to report that I've shed another pound this week. This is less than I've lost in some weeks, but I'm just pleased that it's continuing to go in a downwards direction almost every week. In the however-many-weeks it is since I joined Slimming World, I think I've only had one week where I put on weight, and in that instance it was only a pound. (And an entirely justified pound, given the amount of meat I consumed during my birthday celebrations.)

I'm still feeling positive about the whole thing, and I'm glad; one of the things that put me off any sort of dieting before was the fact that I'd get so utterly bored of it by a few days in, start "treating" myself to something because it couldn't hurt, and then end up right back where I started again. Or, in some instances, the diet would prove to be detrimental to my health; I recall I experimented with Atkins on one occasion and promptly spent most of that week suffering from some of the worst headaches I've ever had in my life. I didn't try that again.

But Slimming World allows me the flexibility to enjoy food — and food I like too. I'd probably get faster weight loss if I had a few more salads and few less bacon sandwiches of a morning, but I like bacon sandwiches and salads are rubbish, so since I'm still losing weight even when I have bacon sandwiches in the morning, I think I will stick with the bacon sandwiches, thank you very much.

I think the key to the whole thing, which is what I didn't seem to work out and/or stick with on any previous occasion where I've tried dieting, is to find "acceptable" substitutes for the things I like. My biggest weakness was always sweet things — sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, cakes, pastries, that sort of thing. The most significant change I've made to my eating and drinking since I started Slimming World is swapping out highly calorific sweet things for things that still satisfy that craving for something sweet but which don't cause me to pile weight on.

Muller Light yoghurt, for example, is "free" on Slimming World, meaning that you can have as much of it as you like in a day. I've found a bunch of flavours that I like very much (Vanilla with chocolate sprinkles, orange with chocolate sprinkles, coconut with chocolate sprinkles, cherry and the cappuccino one they don't seem to make any more) and will now reach for one of those rather than a chocolate bar.

Of course, the "syns" system on Slimming World means that I do have the flexibility to have a biscuit or a piece of chocolate now and again, so long as I don't go completely out of control with it. I can even enjoy an Indian takeaway within my allowance — turns out my favourite curry (dansak) is the lowest-syn curry there is, so I call that a win and a half. (Other favourites Chinese and pizza, however, are pretty much out of the window, sadly, though I'm surprised how little I've missed them.)

I have set myself a "target" weight that is still a fair distance away, and depending on how long it takes to get there and how I look and feel when I get there, I may consider attempting to lose even more on top of that. But I no longer feel as I once did — that the weight I had put on was never coming off, ever — and I feel hopeful and confident that, even if it takes months or years, I'll eventually be able to get to where I want to be. Seeing one member of the group tonight picking up his award for having lost a total of six stone since he joined was inspiring; I'm already over halfway to where he is after a relatively short period of time, so I'm looking forward to what the future holds, particularly as I'm already starting to feel better about myself when I see myself in a mirror or look down at my still-flabby-but-not-quite-as-much-as-before gut.

The journey will be long, then, but I'm still very much on the right road. I'm glad I took that difficult first step.

1940: An Open Letter to Paul Glass, Slimming World Consultant, Upper Shirley

Hi Paul,

I was saddened to hear this evening of your impending departure from the Upper Shirley Slimming World groups, but completely understand your reasoning behind it and would like to thank you for your openness and honesty with the group. I'm sure everyone you've helped to date is very happy to support your decision, and will keep you in our hearts even after you start your new life supporting your new family.

I'm writing this as an open letter online for a few reasons. Firstly, and most selfishly, for vanity purposes: it's a means of me celebrating my own achievements with Slimming World — something that would not have been possible without you, which I'll talk more about in a moment. Secondly, I hope it might potentially provide inspiration to anyone who happens to be reading who has struggled with similar issues to me. Thirdly, it provides the opportunity for others to be able to chime in and voice their support and gratitude for what you have done for each and every one of us. Fourthly and finally, I'm not that good with saying this sort of thing out loud due to a certain degree of social anxiety; I am, however, and not to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet too much, somewhat more skilled with the written word, so this seemed like the most appropriate medium through which to deliver this important message.

I have lost nearly three and a half stone since joining the group about four months ago. Those four months have flown by; in the meantime, I lost my job under fairly personally traumatic circumstances, have had to secure new work for myself, begin to establish myself as a local music teacher and figure out what on earth to do with my life — something that, at thirty-four years of age, I still don't have a definitive answer for. Alongside that, I'm dealing with wedding preparation, other personal commitments, a friend who attempted suicide once and has threatened to do it again, and supporting my bride-to-be through a period of ill health. It has, in short, been a stressful, depressing and anxiety-inducing time.

In the past, my main means of coping with such a situation would have been to "treat myself" to something delicious, "because I deserved it" for dealing with difficult times. Unfortunately, as someone who suffers with depression and anxiety — conditions that I have recently started undergoing treatment for — I found myself relying on this means of emotional support more and more, which meant I piled the weight on and on, got bigger and bigger and heavier and heavier.

It had got to the point where I was embarrassed to look at older pictures of myself, because although I've been a fairly big fella for much of my adult life, I was conscious that I was far bigger than I'd ever been. It was starting to be physically uncomfortable. It was starting to affect my life, in that I was becoming increasingly conscious of silly little things like the fact that I was over the maximum recommended weight for a stepladder we have, that I was too fat to ride some of the rides at Alton Towers — one of the most humiliating experiences of my life — and that I was unable to participate in part of a friend's stag weekend activities because I was too heavy for Segways and treetop "Go Ape" activities. I was disgusted to look at myself in the mirror, and I worried that my appearance disgusted others, too — though the only people who ever commented on it were random strangers who occasionally made hurtful comments as I passed by them in public, and thankfully this was a rare occurrence, perhaps largely due to the fact that I generally prefer to stay indoors!

I was starting to despair over it. I felt that, whatever I did, I couldn't turn back this weight gain. I felt that I was doomed to continue gaining weight forever, and it's not an exaggeration to say that I thought — knew? — it would eventually be the premature death of me. I tried various things. I tried fad diets on several occasions. I tried exercising on several occasions. I tried eating "better", as I saw it. But nothing seemed to work; still the weight piled on, because still I had my weakness: my means of coping with difficult situations, and a life that seemed to attract said difficult situations.

I turned to Slimming World as a last resort. This was to be my last final push, my last attempt to do something about my weight, and if it didn't work, I was going to do my very best to try and at least accept myself the way I was if I couldn't change it. I chose Slimming World because my fiancee's sister has had some noticeable success with it since she joined, and because the programme, as described online, sounded like it was both appealing and practical to fit in to my life as it is today. So I bit the bullet, took that step and showed up to the 7:30 Upper Shirley group for the first time. And, while there are many things in my life that I regret, taking that step over the threshold and joining the group for the first time will never be one of them.

Why? Because you helped me achieve something that I had started to believe was impossible for me. You inspired me to try my best, but to take my journey at my own pace without pressure. You even helped me to enjoy food again; food had become something that "just happened", and it was pretty rare I found myself genuinely enjoying something, because it was often followed by guilt over whether I should have picked something "better" for me, or just passed altogether.

The wonderful support of the 7:30 Upper Shirley group counts for something, too, of course, as I'm sure you'd be the first to say. But your contribution to how much better I feel — both physically and emotionally — cannot be understated, and I will be forever grateful for you starting me on this path, as I'm sure I will be grateful for P's support as she helps us all continue on our journeys towards becoming the people we want to be.

My journey may have been proceeding faster than I ever dreamed possible, but I still have a long way to go. Rather than this being a scary, demoralising concept, however, you have helped me rise to the challenge and feel confident that, with time, dedication, effort and the support of everyone around me, that I really can achieve anything.

Thank you, Paul, from the bottom of my heart, and I wish you the very best of luck in your future endeavours. The Upper Shirley groups will miss you greatly.

Pete Davison