#oneaday Day 796: Midweek

It's the middle of the week, and I don't have a lot of specific things to talk about right now, so I will just waffle on about some bollocks and hope it fills my self-imposed "minimum" for each post I write here. Let's go!

I am having an evening off from exercise. I bought some dumbbells and have been using those in alternation with my walks out on the Common. This appears to be a good thing, though my complete lack of any weight training whatsoever for a good long while now means that I have proven myself correct in purchasing a fairly low-impact set to get up and running with. I can definitely feel when I've used them, too, which is probably the most satisfying thing about weight training — that feeling that you've actually done something, and that you can now enjoy a rest while your body recovers.

Some combination of the exercise and the calorie counting is paying off, too — in the last two weeks I've lost about 6 pounds, and I'm currently the lowest weight I've been for quite some time. I still have a very long way to go, of course, but it is encouraging to feel like I am working past what, in my mind, has been a bit of a plateau for some time.

The trouble I've had in the past is just sticking with it and remaining motivated — it's all too easy to reach a point where you're just knackered and want to throw up your hands and say "fuck it, I'm going to eat an entire bag of Haribo". You can get away with that occasionally — even within the context of a calorie-controlled diet! — but if you start doing it, like, a lot, then that's when you start having difficulty. And that is something I've struggled with in the past; my motivation fell off, I plunged back into bad habits, and any good work I might have done ended up undone, often with additional "damage" on top.

No more, though! He says, aware that he very seriously contemplated getting McDonald's for lunch today. But then here's the thing: there's absolutely nothing stopping me having a McDonald's for lunch, so long as I build the rest of my day around that and don't go overly crazy with what I order. Today, having resisted the McDonald's lunch and having been fairly restrained generally, I have been able to have Quite A Few Digestive biscuits without any guilt whatsoever. And it's nice to feel like I have the flexibility to be able to do that.

I'm aware that right now, my relatively generous calorie allowance is given to me due to the fact that I am large and thus need more calories to just… function. Over time, as I lose weight and approach something more akin to a regular human being's proportions, that calorie allowance will drop. And I won't lie, I'm a little bit concerned about that, because right now I can very easily fill my current allowance and even feel like I want a bit more. But at the same time, I'm also aware that as you change and establish habits and different ways of thinking, the things that you think you "need" will change, too. Once I am smaller, I will need fewer calories to simply remain upright, and — I hope — will thus feel proportionally less inclined to consume a lot of calories.

I've already found that following the diet for a relatively protracted period of time results in my appetite being a lot less than it is when I'm at my worst — and I'm sure that pattern will continue, particularly if I can continue to develop the self-discipline I need. It's that more than anything; I'm sure that I have done a fair amount of "self-medicating" with food over the years, and that, as much as anything else, has contributed to how I am today. If I can develop alternative coping mechanisms that have a more healthy outcome, so much the better.

So yes. Anyway, upshot of all this is that I'm quite tired this evening after doing some dumbbells yesterday and a walk the day before, so I'm having the evening off with no guilt.

Oh, also I guess there was a solar eclipse this evening, too, so that's cool. The moon didn't explode, so I guess the chap who went into that pyramid back in 1930 successfully destroyed the shrine to Re. Good job, that man. I could never manage it.

Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

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#oneaday Day 790: Twinge

Last night, I thought, for a change, I would try using some kettlebells I bought ages ago to do some simple exercises. They are quite heavy kettlebells, because I originally bought them feeling like I should buy manly kettlebells, but have just never really got around to using them all that much.

I did a brief (about 15 minute) workout using them to do a few different things, including some curls, goblet squats, lunges, twists and shoulder presses, and dear Lord am I feeling the regret today. I think I might have overdone it a bit, given that both my arms and legs have been feeling a bit wobbly today and my left buttock is experiencing a sensation I can only describe as "repeated twinges" — and I was exhausted when I woke up this morning.

I don't think it's a bad idea to do some mild weight training at home, though, so I've ordered myself a set of wuss-ass pastel-coloured dumbbells for girls in an attempt to shame myself into being capable of doing something more manly. Or, more accurately — because I hope I have made abundantly clear on numerous occasions, I have absolutely zero desire to appear particularly "manly" — I have purchased myself some relatively low-impact exercise equipment which is probably what my body, in its current state, needs to get kickstarted into activity again. Big metal dumbbells can come later. Much later.

The walks around the Common are good, and I think they are having an effect. On past occasions when I have done exercise, though, I've found that complementing the cardio with some solid weight training of some description (usually on Machines if I've been a gym member at the time) tends to have an actually quite noticeable effect, particularly on my arms, and I think it's probably time to start incorporating that side of things again if I actually want to take this seriously.

And I kind of do! I mean, I know I want (and need) to lose weight, but for some reason I'm feeling oddly… enthused about the prospect of Getting Some Fitness Done at the moment. The last time I felt like this I was watching How Heavy Are The Dumbbells You Lift?, which was a work of anime genius that I should probably watch again, or at least read the manga, which was also excellent.

Anyway, all this is a long-winded way of saying that I'm having a night off doing anything useful and/or productive this evening, and I shall feel no guilt about that whatsoever! I'm not even going to write about Terranigma, even though I finished it last night. I will save that for tomorrow or the weekend — at least partly because my work announced our two Big Projects for the year today — the Banjo-Kazooie Double Pack which had already been revealed, and The DOOM Collection, which everyone kind of already knew about. But still. Not that I'm suggesting my online ramblings will take away from professional marketing, but I kind of just want to let that be out there tonight — and, indeed, to have a nice relaxing night off for myself.

Now the question is: what to spend that night off doing? Do I go play some more Visco arcade games? Do I play some Forza Motorsport? Do I start something completely new? Deciding that is going to occupy the next half an hour or so, I suspect, so let's leave that there. Also I need a wee.

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#oneaday Day 789: Longing for the saddle

One of the things I miss feeling like I am able to do, being the size I am, is cycling. I've never been particularly good at cycling — memories of coming off my bike and shearing all the skin off my arm as a child are still painfully fresh — but there's something just altogether wonderful about the relative freedom that cycling provides, assuming there aren't any Big Hills on your path. And these days, you can counteract Big Hills with an electric bike — or just do it the old fashioned way by getting off and pushing. (I've never been able to Stand Up on the Pedals, before you say anything.)

I say I don't feel able to cycle, but I don't know that. I feel like I am probably too heavy for your average bike, though, and I don't really want to put myself in a situation where I'm putting that to the test, because of the potential embarrassment. As such, "being able to cycle again" is one of many things that are filed away under "things to do if you are ever able to successfully shift all this weight ever again". A box that has been frustratingly out of reach for quite a few years at this point.

Thing is, I know I can shift weight, because I did it once before. Unfortunately, the method I used last time around — following the Slimming World programme — hasn't really worked for me on subsequent attempts for various reasons, and I also found that I've never had quite as strong a connection with any Slimming World consultants since the chap mentioned in that linked post. Paul Glass was someone truly special, and it was a sad day when he had to leave us. (He's not dead, to my knowledge, he just chose to finish being a consultant for his own reasons.)

And it's frustrating, because I remember how great it felt to be if not "slim", then certainly more "normal-sized", according to my own self-perception. I remember leaning back in the car and smiling at the fact I could see my whole body rather than just my belly. I could cross my legs. I wasn't repulsed by my own reflection. I could buy clothes from regular shops. I wouldn't hesitate at the prospect of reuniting with old friends based on the shame I feel over my current appearance. And, yes, I could ride a bike without worrying about it.

I want those great feelings back again! And it's not as if I'm not trying to get back there — even having some mild success through counting calories and getting a bit of tentative exercise with my walks in the park — but it's a long road ahead of me, and I'm also conscious of the fact that at the end of that road, if I ever get there, I have to face a lifelong fear and get surgery to sort out this hernia that I've been dealing with for probably getting on for a decade at this point. And that fucking hernia is one of the biggest things holding me back right now; it's that which I'm most self-conscious about in terms of my appearance, it's that which makes a lot of things a lot more difficult to do than they perhaps could be, and it's that which, at times, still causes me pain that I can't really do a whole lot about until I've made it through this whole process.

The end result of all this effort will be worth it. I have to keep telling myself that, and reminding myself strongly about it when I feel like just giving up on the whole thing and just trying to live with the size and shape I am right now.

But I'm not at all happy with that. I would go so far as to say that my feelings towards my own appearance and general physical state are the absolute worst things in my life right now. You might not understand quite how all-encompassing those feelings can be if you've not been in this state before — and believe me, I strongly discourage you from doing so if at all possible — but I really do feel like if I can fix this, it will make my life immeasurably better in almost every possible way.

That goal really does seem so far away, though. Some days it's hard to keep going, but I guess it's one of those things you just have to take a step at a time, and eventually you will get there, so long as you don't take any particularly stupid detours along the way.

I am mildly prone to stupid detours, is the trouble. But let's just see where I end up as time goes on. Maybe one day I'll get back on a bike.

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#oneaday Day 783: Nothing compares 2U

When you are attempting to better yourself — particularly if you know said process is going to be a long, drawn-out affair — I have learned, over the years, that one of the worst things I can do is compare myself to others. This may not be universally true — hence my use of "I" instead of "you" — but as time has passed, and I have taken on numerous such attempts to varying degrees of success, I have come to realise that it is definitely true for me.

You see, in my case, comparing myself to others inevitably leads to feelings of inferiority and frustration when really there is no reason for me to be comparing myself to anyone other than… well, myself.

Take one thing I'm always very conscious of when I go out for a walk, as I did this evening: because of the size I am, and because of my general overall fitness level, I walk quite slowly, even when in my head I am thinking "I am walking quite briskly". I can be walking at an exertion level that makes me slightly out of breath, and people who are just out for a casual stroll will be overtaking me without any evident effort on my part. Were I to pay attention to this — like I have done in the past, which is why I can say all this at all — this would be frustrating! Why can't I walk as fast as a "normal" person? Am I annoying the "normal" people who walk much faster than I do? God, I'm such a waste of space and energy!

But no. The sensible part of my brain, which I am growing better at listening to, reminds me that I have absolutely no reason to be comparing my walking speed to that of anyone else, because I am not, in fact, getting in anyone's way. The Common is a big place, and its paths are more than wide enough for anyone who wants to go faster than me to just walk around me. And, moreover, I am not walking with any of those people, meaning that my overall speed is not causing anyone to have to wait around for me to catch up.

(This is, however, something I am conscious of any time I am out and about with friends or work colleagues, and we are all walking somewhere together. I simply cannot keep up with most of them under many circumstances. And that is frustrating, from a combination of people showing me an often unintentional lack of consideration, and my own annoyance at not being able to do things like a "normal" person.)

When I'm by myself, then, the only thing that really matters is me. The only thing I should be comparing myself to is myself, because it's quite nice to see gradual improvements in your own performance — and even with the fairly casual nature of my walking excursions over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have already seen a slight improvement in terms of the amount of time it takes me to cover the two kilometres of the route I habitually take.

But then there are times when you don't even need to know that. It's not a competition. It's not a race. There is no way you can speed up this whole process. It is something that happens gradually, through building good habits, and thus, when it comes down to it, the only really important thing is that I am just doing the thing at all. Have I successfully got out of the house into the fresh air and got some exercise? Yes? Then great. That's a success.

This is the thing. When attempting to improve yourself — particularly if you are neurodivergent — the temptation can be to give up when you can't immediately fix the problem you're trying to solve. But it doesn't work like that. Instead, you should allow yourself to celebrate those small victories, even if they are much smaller than victories you have had in the past.

I'll give you an example. A good few years ago at this point (2011, to be exact, since I was blogging here at the time!), I successfully "ran" (and I use the term loosely) the Bupa 10K in London, along with some friends I have since, sadly, fallen out of touch with. (Miss you, Vee and Gracie!) This was, for me, an incredible achievement — and one that only came about because I had successfully followed the Couch to 5K and Bridge to 10K programmes over a long period.

I cannot run a 10K now. I cannot even contemplate walking 10 kilometres right now. I cannot even really contemplate walking five kilometres. And that's OK! 2011 was fifteen years ago. I wasn't in amazing shape then, but I was in considerably better shape than I am now, and I was also fifteen years younger. As such, it makes absolutely no sense to try and compare myself against that yardstick (or should that be 10K-stick?) because so much has changed in that intervening period. Yes, it would be nice to be able to get back into a state where I could contemplate surviving a journey of 10 kilometres on foot — be it by walking or jogging — but right now, it is an irrelevant target for me.

Right now, my target is just to get up of the sofa, get out into the fresh air and just do something, at least a few times per week. I have given myself the arbitrary goal of two kilometres because that just happens to be the exact distance of a "lap" that I do on the Common right now, and because that is something which, in my current state, feels attainable but still challenging — in other words, it's a level of effort that I feel is actually doing something.

I was tempted to write "even if that might not seem like very much to some of you" after that, but stopped myself. Because, as I say, what it seems like to anyone else doesn't matter. Everyone's circumstances are different. I'm sure I know plenty of people who can jog 5K, 10K, even more, without even thinking about it. And, right now, it achieves nothing for me to compare myself to them because they are simply operating in a completely different league. And that is, once again, fine.

So I will continue muddling along at my own pace. At some point, I will up the distance and/or time that I will be walking, but I don't feel ready for that just yet, so I'm not going to do that just yet. I will do it when the time is right, not when anyone else says that I "should" do it — but when I feel I want to do it.

And, with any luck, this will build itself over time into a healthy habit that will be of great benefit to me. That's all that really matters!

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#oneaday Day 638: Actual progress

I'm pleased to report that my weight loss efforts are actually making some meaningful progress. Not only have I crossed the "1 stone lost" boundary, I've also crossed a bit of a "plateau" I had felt stuck at for a very long time, meaning the big number at the start of my weight has gone down by one.

This is a meaningful, worthwhile step because although "1 stone lost" is also a milestone, it somehow feels more significant when your actual weight has a particularly noticeable difference in it — like the "stone" figure being different. This, to me, is a good sign that what I'm doing is working — and, more to the point, that it's something sustainable that I'm not about to get bored with and give up on in frustration.

The trouble with a lot of diets is that they become demoralising and boring. And very few things make you want to eat like boredom — at least that's the case for me. What I've found, by calorie counting each day, is that I can still enjoy all the things I like to have and still lose weight. Along the way I'm finding ways to be more "calorie efficient" with those things that I like, too, while not feeling guilty about having an occasional treat — usually within the boundaries of the daily calorie count, but I've found that having a day a week when you "cheat" does wonders for the morale.

I'm sure the challenge factor will increase as my weight lowers and the number of calories I can have per day falls accordingly, but one thing that I've found having successfully stuck to this for quite some time now is that I'm not feeling the same urge to want to overindulge that I have done in the past. I'm finding that having a modestly sized breakfast, lunch and dinner and a number of guilt-free snacks throughout the day keeps me going and well within the calorie count. Essentially it's following the principle of never allowing myself to get hungry enough to want to demolish an entire large bag of Doritos or something.

Like I say, though, the best thing I've found so far is that I'm able to enjoy things that I just plain like eating, and haven't had to turn to the sort of "success stories" you read in weight loss magazines — you know the sort of thing, "I used to have a massive fryup for breakfast every morning, now I start my day with a glass of water, half a banana and a handful of chia seeds". Nope, I can still quite happily have cereal with chocolate in it for breakfast, a bacon sandwich or noodles for lunch and pretty much whatever I want for dinner.

Of course, I might lose weight more quickly if I was having more salads and vegetables and fruit and whatever — but I have to be realistic about this. If I eat something that I don't enjoy or don't find filling and satisfying, then I just end up wanting to eat something I do like later, and I end up having much more food than I really need. Right now, with the weight I am, I need a decent amount of calories just to keep ticking over, so I'm going to continue enjoying the success I'm having the way it's working at the moment. When I weigh significantly less and will need much fewer calories per day to continue losing weight, then we'll have a look at even "healthier" options as means of keeping the weight off.

For now, this is working. And I'm pleased about that. It's making me feel like I might actually be able to do this; I might actually be able to beat this. Let's see how things are looking in a few months' time.

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#oneaday Day 586: Commitment

I'm back from The Day At The Office. I haven't set my office PC back up again yet though, so no tablet drawings for now. I'm tired and can't be arsed to faff around with wires right now, so it's plain text for today I'm afraid.

Anyway, as I said yesterday, I'm pretty determined to make 2026 the Year I Beat My Weight. Not, as in previous years, the year I beat my previous record for "highest weight Pete can be", but rather, the year I figure out exactly how to get on top of losing it.

I have a several-step plan that I will begin pursuing from tomorrow. (Today is a write-off due to all the travelling and the Wingstop we just had for dinner. We had the Wingstop with the full knowledge that we're both going to be Eating Healthy from tomorrow.) Here are the several steps:

I will use the Lose It! app to track my daily calorie intake, and keep below the daily recommended number of calories that will supposedly allow me to lose weight. In doing so, I will continue to enjoy the things I enjoy, but in better moderation. I will not be switching to a "half a banana and a handful of chia seeds for breakfast"-style diet, because that will probably make me want to kill myself.
I will count calories even if I go "off-plan" and have myself a "treat", to better educate myself in potentially how much damage I can do to my efforts if I "treat" myself too often.
I will do at least 30 minutes of exercise per day, on some combination of my under-desk elliptical machine and/or the treadmill that we have now set up in the spare room.
I will not use the calories burned during exercise as "bonus calories" to have additional Nice Things.
I will research and reach out to some form of psychotherapeutic support to help with my efforts.

That last one, I think, is going to be the big "different thing" I try this time, and I suspect it will be helpful. As I mentioned yesterday, while I mostly found my referral to the weight loss programme via the NHS to be unhelpful, the one aspect I really did feel like I was getting something from was the counselling aspect. Through talking therapy, I felt like I was able to start looking at my behaviours (conscious and unconscious) that have led me to this point, and to figure out ways I might be able to modify them. Unfortunately I had so few sessions that I don't feel like I really got anywhere — but I feel like if I had been able to spend more time with the therapist in question, we could have made some progress.

One thing that came out of those few conversations, and something that I find my thoughts returning to, is that some of my behaviours are consistent with a pattern of addiction. Anecdotally, having had experience with other people dealing with addiction, I would be inclined to agree. I recognise this. I recognise patterns in myself that I have seen in other people who were struggling with addiction. And I feel that is an important starting point. As with any addiction, though, the struggle will always be in breaking it, little by little. Because you can't really go "cold turkey" (so to speak) with food — unlike various forms of chemical abuse, you still need food to operate normally, and thus breaking any sort of food-related addiction is more about developing a healthier relationship with food rather than completely breaking your "attachment" to it.

But I'm probably getting ahead of myself there. Fact is, I think having some sort of Professional Help would be… well, helpful. Up until now, I've been hesitant, because Professional Help is 1) relatively expensive and 2) daunting to find your way into. 2) applies doubly in my case, because my social anxiety makes it a huge effort to be able to make contact with a stranger, but also it's overwhelming to see the sheer number of therapists that are out there, and having absolutely no idea who might be "right" for me.

Thus I think rather than taking the "roll of the dice" approach and just stabbing randomly at a huge list of therapists in my area, I'm going to try making use of an organisation known as The Empathy Project that operates in my area. This is a small, non-profit organisation based in the town I call home, and I can't remember how I stumbled across them, but I seem to have added myself to their mailing list at some point. What I have read about them online seems positive, however, and thus referring myself to them seems like it would be a solid starting point, if nothing else.

So, tomorrow, I am kicking all this off. I will be counting calories, I will be exercising, and I will be referring myself to someone who might be able to help me through this. I'm feeling oddly positive about this right now, so let's just hope I can keep this mental momentum.

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#oneaday Day 542: Vrr vrr vrr

I didn't buy much in the Black Friday sales this year. In fact, I only bought one "thing" and one Steam game (Mini Motorways, which is lovely).

The "thing" I bought is an under-desk elliptical trainer thing, ostensibly for "seniors", but also, I figured, eminently suitable for someone like me who needs to get some exercise, but has difficulty with the whole "motivating oneself to go outside the house" thing for various reasons.

Also I wanted something that would allow me to give my legs in particular a bit of gentle exercise, and that I could use while doing other things, and that wouldn't be discouragingly difficult to use for someone as unfit as I am.

I forget exactly how I ended up looking at these things. I do know that the first product I saw was a vibrating foot massager thing that supposedly "mimicked the motion of walking", but just looked hilarious to see people using in the promotional videos. From there, it recommended me these under-desk elliptical doodads, and from there I picked one that 1) had good reviews and 2) wasn't obscenely expensive, and now here we are, with me the proud owner of a Lubbygim [sic] Under Desk Elliptical Machine Quiet Motorized Leg Exerciser with Smart Remote, 12-Speed Manual Programs Auto/3 Auto Programs LCD Display & Bidirectional Motion for Home/Office.

Yes, as that absurd product name will probably tell you, I was shopping on Amazon. As loathe as I am to further line the pockets of billionaires and contribute to the exploitation of workers, they had something I was looking for, offered it at a good price and got it to me in good time. So /shrug, I guess.

And the thing seems pretty good! Its supposedly "non-slip" feet do, in fact, slip, so I have paired it with a non-slip mat (which also slips, but less than the feet did) and installed it under my working desk, so now I can make use of it during the working day, on my lunch break and any time I'm just sitting in my study doing things. The way I have it set up makes it ideal for using while watching a long YouTube video or TV programme.

It's a fairly no-frills device. As the ridiculous product name suggests, it has a fully manual mode where you can control the speed and direction of the pedals, and also three automatic modes that vary the speed and direction over the course of a half-hour programme. I'm not entirely sure if the three different programmes are supposed to be varying degrees of "difficulty" or intensity, but I'm assuming they are; I did a "programme 3" earlier and it seemed to spend a lot more time at the higher speeds than the rather gentle "programme 1".

What I like about it is that it's easy to just stick on and let your legs do the walking while you forget about it. This, to me, is the optimal way to exercise; the absolute worst thing you can do while attempting to get some exercise is to watch the clock, because that's what makes a ten-minute session on a treadmill feel like you're hiking up Mount Everest. With this thing being the way it is, though, today I've found it absolutely easy to put in nearly two hours of wibbling my legs around a bit in total. And that, I hope, will be beneficial in the long term.

I'm under no illusions: this thing doesn't offer an intense enough workout to really play any significant role in exercise for weight loss, but that's not why I wanted one of these. I just wanted something that would get my legs moving a bit, because I spend all day sitting working, and all night sitting entertaining myself, and frankly my legs are old and stupid enough to have started going "nope, not having that" any time I want to get up and actually do something. And I don't like that. It worries me a bit; I don't want to end up in a situation where I just can't use my legs. I'm pretty certain that it wouldn't come to that without some sort of drastic accident, but I also don't want to put myself in a position where it's even a slight possibility.

And so sticking this thing on and going vrr vrr vrr for at least half an hour every day is my way of preventing that. Hopefully, anyway. It's only been two days so far, so I'm not entirely sure I'm feeling any specific benefit just yet, but over the long term, I hope it will help me be even a little bit more active — or I'd settle for it just helping my knees hurt a little bit less.

See that? Personal growth, that is. Probably.

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#oneaday Day 478: Counting Cals

As I've alluded to a couple of times recently, the latest attempt at weight loss has been centred on counting calories. And thus far it's actually been going reasonably well — as is often the case when embarking on a new campaign of doing this, I lost a decent chunk of weight in the first week, but this week it's slowed down again, though it is still going down, which is good.

As my past experiences doing this have shown, the crucial thing is to be constantly aware of what you're putting in your mouth, and thinking carefully before you stuff anything in there. Recording everything helps you to be aware of such things, and in the process make some better choices.

Now, "better choices" doesn't have to mean "I stopped having any bacon sandwiches ever, and for breakfast now I have half a banana with a handful of chia seeds and am miserable for the rest of the day". No; it means "I had a big lunch, so I should probably go easy at dinner". Or it means "I treated myself to a McDonald's breakfast, so I probably don't need a lot for lunch". Or it means "I've had three bags of crisps today already, I probably shouldn't have any more".

Working within those simple boundaries, you can set limits for yourself without feeling like you're missing out on things. When counting calories, you absolutely can still have a nice cake if you feel like one, but that probably means you should hold back on the snacks (or have lower-calorie snacks) for the rest of the day. And it can sometimes be surprising how easy it is to save calories by making a few little swaps here and there.

I've never been hugely fond of salad, for example, but drench it in enough salad cream and it can be quite a pleasant (and filling) accompaniment to a simple meal, like a piece of breaded meat. And a plate of salad, even if absolutely drowning in salad cream, is quite a lot fewer calories than a big pile of chips.

As it happens, the only chips I've had since starting this time around were on our Work Day Out, when I was necessarily somewhat limited in my options for dining, so I thought I would just enjoy that day as I saw fit, without guilt.

My challenge in this upcoming week is going to come in the form of my monthly trip to the office, which usually involves me grabbing something to eat on the drive down, or perhaps from the supermarket next to the hotel, or the hotel restaurant. On previous occasions, I'm mildly ashamed to admit that I have made less-than-stellar choices when choosing what to eat — after a long, tiring, boring journey, all I want is to have something tasty. This time, I'm going to try and pay at least a bit of attention to the choices that I make. I can still satisfy myself; I should probably try and do so without devouring a huge bag of Doritos and two frosted yum-yums, as delicious as they are.

I'm still feeling pretty good at the moment, then. Things are moving in the right direction and, crucially, I'm not feeling bored or frustrated with what I'm eating. That last part is particularly important; there's nothing worse than being bored of what you're eating, because that's the time you're most likely to think "that was disappointing, I'll make up for it with an entire chocolate gateau".

Not enough calories left for a sandwich before bed, sadly, but I think I'll probably survive.

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#oneaday Day 459: First full day away

After that curious no-man's land that is the first day of one's holiday yesterday — the period where you spend most of your time travelling and getting settled — today was our first full day of rest and relaxation. And it's been thoroughly pleasant. We haven't done very much, but I have certainly enjoyed what we have done so far — and the day isn't over yet.

I promised myself before we went away that I would try and be at least a little bit active while we were away. I am really feeling every one of my years and every one of my stones right now, so I made a little commitment to myself: I would buy the £15 gym pass for while we were here, and I'd go and do a little something each day. I also (correctly) determined that the walk to and from the complex where the gym is would almost certainly be adequate cardio, so that would leave me free to focus on some strength training, which is probably what I really need at this point.

As it turned out, the signposts pointing to the "sports plaza" where the gym is told me a little white lie: while the Center Parcs app suggested a walking route that was less than a mile, the way the signposts took me actually ended up being a whole lot longer. Not a terrible thing from a health perspective, but a slight shock to the system when I was expecting something a little shorter. In total I reckon it was probably about a mile and a half rather than the 0.7 miles I was expecting — I know for "fit" folks that probably doesn't sound like very much, but believe me when I say my body is in a right old state.

The gym here is tiny, but it was also completely deserted when I went there, which was absolutely fine by me, as it meant I could take my time over the exercises I wanted to do, and wouldn't have to feel self-conscious about anything other than the full-length mirror that allowed me to gaze upon my disgusting carcass in its entirety while doing exercises. Oh well. The very fact I was in the gym should make me feel a little better about things, as at least I'm taking some steps — and my thinking is that if I can smash through that initial "wall" of resistance to exercise while I'm here and have no other stressors or distractions to worry about, I will hopefully be able to maintain some better habits when we get back home, too.

Thus far it has just been nice to be away. No notifications from Microsoft Teams, no social media garbage, no Discord, no people PMing me for customer service issues. I needed this escape, and I feel like I need to make a few changes at work when I get back. Those are things to consider on my return, though. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy this pleasant forest retreat, the lovely surroundings, the wildlife that occasionally comes to visit, the swimming pool, the private bubbly bath we have and, of course, the good food. All of life's worries can wait until after I get back.

After all, that's what a holiday is supposed to be about, right?

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#oneaday Day 347: The pump

I've gone to the gym for the last two days in a row! Go me. I think I will probably take tomorrow off, but I went yesterday of my own volition and today to make up for the bratwurst we had for dinner, since I'm counting calories at the moment.

I go back and forth on my feelings towards the gym. There are times when I resent "having" to go (and, honestly, with the state my body's been in for a while, I do "have" to go) but there are times like the last couple of days when I actually feel like it's quite a pleasant experience. And it's for different reasons at different times.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit down and miserable; I was having one of those evenings where I spent several hours not really doing anything worthwhile, and got to about 9pm feeling frustrated at how I had wasted the evening. So I decided that rather than sit around continuing to do nothing, I would do something productive and go to the gym. I dug out my cheap-ass wireless earbuds that don't really block out any external sound but which are adequate enough for listening to podcasts or YouTube videos, queued up a video I'd half-watched earlier, then went to the gym and did 20 minutes on the treadmill followed by about 30 minutes of resistance stuff on the machines.

And y'know what? I felt pretty damn good afterwards. My mood had lifted and I didn't feel anywhere near as frustrated as I'd felt prior to leaving the house. I'd still wasted a good few hours of the evening, of course, but it didn't feel like it mattered (because, let's face it, it doesn't, really) — and anyway, I'd made up for it by going and doing something that officially falls into the category of Bettering Oneself.

This evening, meanwhile, I had made myself a little anxious by knowingly going over the calorie limit I'm supposed to be following with dinner, but then I recalled the calorie consumption I had recorded from yesterday's session, realised that this would more than make up for the "overspill", and resolved to go and have a decent session. Once again, I got the shitty wireless earbuds and set the latest Giant Bombcast to playing while on the treadmill, and managed 30 minutes without too much difficulty. It normally takes me quite a while to muster the motivation to do more than 10 minutes on the treadmill, but today it was easy.

It's all about how you occupy your mind while you're doing those exercises, I think. At least, it is for me. If I'm just walking on the treadmill and I don't have anything to distract me from the tedium of the endeavour, even just 10 minutes feels like an absolute eternity. But if I have something compelling, interesting or just plain amusing to listen to while I'm doing the tedious thing, the time passes way faster, because I'm simply not paying attention to the time.

It's the same phenomenon we found in secondary school German classes. We spent so much time clockwatching in those lessons that they felt five times longer than any other lesson we had at school — one time I really freaked my friend out by using the countdown timer on my Casio watch to make it look like time really was running backwards — but if they had been a tad more engaging and interesting, I'm sure they wouldn't have felt as long. No disrespect to my German teachers, who were doing their best, but National Curriculum and GCSE-level German are set up to not be very interesting and engaging to study. At least, they weren't when I was at school.

So yes. I think the secret of gym success is to have something to occupy your ears and, in the case of the treadmill, your eyes, too. If you're looking at a screen to watch a video, you're not watching the clock. Bonus points if your gym's treadmill has an arrangement where you can physically block the clock screen with your phone or tablet. Or just lay your towel over the top, I guess.

Anyway, like I say, probably going to have a day off tomorrow 'cause my muscles are a bit sore after two days of pumping it (at weakling levels) in a row. But, so long as I continue to have good stuff to put in my eyes and ears while doing the boring bits, I think I might be able to keep this up for a bit. Let's see how it goes.

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