#oneaday, Day 152: After Midnight

What is it about the middle of the night that brings the mind to life so? Whether it is dwelling on the incidents of the day – good or bad – or feverishly expressing some sort of creative muse, the hours after midnight always seem like the perfect time to do this. For me, at least.

Or perhaps it's not necessarily the hour, but simply that time when your body relaxes and your brain realises it has no pesky motor functions to take care of. In other words, it's free to think.

Whether or not your brain feels it necessary to sit and think a while depends on what came immediately before, of course. Spend a busy day doing activities that exhaust your body and mind and you'll probably drop straight to sleep. But have an evening that's just pleasant and you'll have some time to reflect on that pleasantness before sleep. Similarly, negative events often monopolise the brain, particularly when it doesnt have anything better to think about.

Perhaps it's the mind keeping score, a mental totting up of the goods and bads. Awarding of XP. Achievement unlocked. That sort of thing.

Or perhaps I just find it more difficult to get to sleep than some other people and I'm just making this nonsense up to make myself feel better.

Either way, I wish you a very good night.

#oneaday, Day 151: Lawful Good

I am Lawful Good. I play Chaotic Good whenever I play D&D because it's the most fun way to be Good, but in reality I am Lawful Good. I don't like breaking laws, rules, anything like that, and I'll go out of my way to ensure I do things "properly". I like to help other people, and I like to make sure that they're happy and safe.

So when a temptation to do something from outside that alignment presents an opportunity, I find it very difficult, and usually impossible, to take it. Even if the action in question is justifiable.

I'll present a hypothetical example. Let's say you saw, I don't know, let's say a Facebook status message that riled you somehow. Perhaps you know it's a lie. Perhaps you want to add something to the conversation that the person who posted it wouldn't want you to. Or perhaps you want to say something that you know is true, but will hurt the other person. Some people would be able to just post that message, say their piece, whatever they need to do. But because I know that doing so will have consequences, and will make someone else feel bad – even though I'm not a particular fan of the person in question and probably shouldn't care whether or not it makes them feel bad – I won't do it.

Sure, being this way makes me a super-nice person. But it also means that things that potentially need to be said get left unsaid. Making snarky comments often doesn't achieve anything, but at the same time, keeping things bottled up inside isn't good, either.

I even find it difficult to respond to someone who insults me directly. You've heard the examples of the assholes in the street who think it's amusing to yell stuff at me. One time I managed a barely-audible "fuck you" at the passing piece of shit, and nothing happened. Even thinking about saying that caused me a considerable amount of anxiety, though, as I felt I had no right to say that. Weird, non?

There are those who say that in order to get ahead, you have to be ruthless, or at least assertive. One of the steps along that path is saying what you mean and then dealing with the consequences when they happen; not refusing to say anything in fear of any potential consequences, most of which probably won't happen.

This whole post is an example of overthinking things. The hypothetical situation above of course happened, and two people out of the, err, two I spoke to thought I should have posted the snarky comment that I really wanted to. But I haven't, and I won't. Because being Lawful Good won't let me do such a thing.

#oneaday, Day 150: Milestone

[PETE takes the stage. He walks up to the podium, not looking at the audience, not least because he isn't really expecting anyone to be out there.]

PETE: (squinting at the bright lights in his face) Good evening everyone. Thank you for coming. It's a real pleasure to see you all here. Even if the bright lights on the stage mean that I can't actually see any of you. Regardless, it's a pleasure to know you're out there.

[PETE pulls out an old-style white plastic Apple Remote and clicks it at the screen. Nothing happens. He clicks it again.]

PETE: Oh, right. (pulls out iPhone and starts Keynote Remote app) There we go.

[A slide with the big number "150" appears on the screen.]

PETE: One hundred and fifty days ago, I joined a very exclusive club. A small collective of bloggers who made a very simple pledge: to wake up each day and, at some point before they got into bed and fell asleep at the end of the night, to write something on their blogs every day. This "something" didn't have to be good. It didn't have to make sense. It didn't have to be "for" anyone. The purpose of the exercise was twofold.

[PETE taps his iPhone. The next slide appears with a crude stick-figure drawing of him sitting at a writers' desk, scribbling in a book.]

PETE: One: to prove we could do it. To prove that it was possible to express your creative side at least once every single day, even if the final product was complete garbage.

[PETE taps his iPhone again. A crude drawing of him with a thought-bubble above his head appears.]

PETE: And two, to awaken those otherwise-latent skills that we all possess. Those skills of creativity, and imagination. Those skills to spin a magical tale with words, whether it's about actual magical things like unicorns and robots and monsters even though robots aren't really "magical" as such, or about the mundanities of everyday life.

[PETE taps his iPhone, this time with a flourish. Another crude drawing appears, this time showing several faces displaying different emotions.]

PETE: (starting to pace across the stage away from the lectern like a university lecturer) Sometimes these posts are funny. Sometimes they are silly. Sometimes they are nonsensical. Sometimes they are serious. Sometimes they are angry. And sometimes they are very sad. (stops and faces the audience, spreading hands wide, a bit like Jesus but less religious) All of them are valid expressions of something. All of them reflect the essence of that day. Even if they don't mention anything about what happened.

[PETE taps his iPhone. An image of a calendar appears on the screen.]

PETE: (pacing back towards the lectern) 150 days might not be a huge proportion of your life in the grand scheme of things. But a significant number of things can happen. In the one hundred and fifty days since I started posting on here every day, many things have happened. When I began on the 19th of January 2010, I wasn't to know it, but I was at a crossroads in my life.

[PETE reaches the lectern and leans on it in a Phoenix Wright style.]

PETE: I wasn't to know that some one hundred and five days after I began that my whole world would be brought crashing down. I can't pretend that I wasn't expecting it to happen, but I wasn't expecting it to happen in quite the way it did. Nor was I prepared for the amount of pain it would cause, and still does.

[PETE slams his hands on the desk, clearly channelling everyone's favourite Ace Attorney.]

PETE: But I wasn't about to give up. I felt like shit. I was angry. I wanted to destroy things. (slams fist on desk and hunches over it like Edgeworth when he gets pissy) I wanted people to hurt. I wanted people to hurt as much as I do, and more so, so they'd understand. (pauses, stands, calmer) I still do feel these things, sometimes more than ever. But I was not going to give up, and am not going to give up.

[PETE taps his iPhone, and a crudely-drawn stick figure image of several different people appears on the screen.]

PETE: New people came into my life at just the right time. They helped me understand things, to see some good in myself at a time when all was darkness. They gave me courage, gave me strength, spurred me on to try new things. Other friends proved themselves to be true friends instead of just acquaintances. The disastrous collapse of one relationship led to a new-found closeness in many others.

[PETE taps his iPhone again, and a photograph of PAX East appears.]

PETE: Right as I reached the point of no return at this crossroads – it had one-way streets in all directions – I discovered something. That it's OK to be me. As I set off down the road I'm still on – which is winding, twisting, turning and regularly plummets into a crevasse – I was a new person. Or rather a person I'd always been. But more aware of it.

[PETE points out into the audience dramatically.]

PETE: One thing you can always be sure of in these last one hundred and fifty days is that it's been all me, for better or worse.

[PETE slams his fist on the desk again.]

PETE: And one of the things that one of the new people in my life taught me, or should I say reminded me, was that not everyone goes together. Not everyone likes everyone else. If we did, sure, it'd be easier. But that's not the way the world works, either on a tiny person-to-person scale, or on a huge nation-to-nation, culture-to-culture scale. And acceptance of that fact is what makes living that little bit easier.

[PETE taps his iPhone. A picture of a chav appears on the screen.]

PETE: I don't like this guy. He's a twat. He thinks I'm a twat, too, and thinks it's amusing to insult me in the street even though I'd never seen or spoken to him before in my life.

[PETE taps his iPhone again. The image shatters.]

PETE: But it doesn't matter. He is long gone. (pauses) Not dead. I didn't kill him. Though I quite wanted to at the time. No. I have never seen him again since. And if he can't deal with who I am, then he can go fuck himself.

[PETE emerges from behind the lectern again.]

PETE: Given that the eventual goal for everyone involved in this little experiment is to write something every day for a year, the number one hundred and fifty is actually not all that important. Halfway through day one hundred and eighty-two? That's important. That's the halfway mark. But one hundred and fifty? It's a symbol. A milestone. Perhaps a new beginning, perhaps not. No-one can say. All I can say is: thanks for being there every day.

[PETE pauses for a moment.]

PETE: Also, you can blame Alex Connolly for telling me to make a speech. Good night everybody.

#oneaday, Day 149: Games are Cool

After spending the last couple of evenings covering E3's press conferences for Kombo.com and discussing all things gamey over at the Squadron of Shame Squawkbox, I've come to a conclusion.

Games are cool.

Whatever you might think of Kinect, PlayStation Move, the Nintendo 3DS, the million-and-one first-person shooters on display, Assassin's Creed, Child of Eden, Ubisoft's DRM policies or fitness games, one thing is clear.

Games are cool. And they're here to stay.

There's always a lot of cynicism around at E3 time, particularly when new technology is shown off. Especially if said new technology appears to be somewhat gimmicky, or limited in its practical applications. But the flip side of all the more outlandish stuff we've seen so far is that it's a symbol of the diversification of the "gaming" genre. Games are no longer the sole preserve of the spotty, overweight, greasy-haired teenage boy who would rather lock himself in his room than go out and meet people. Though those people still exist. I am one of them. Sometimes, at least.

No, rather, we're getting to the stage now where there's something for everyone. I was interviewed for a position at a major chain of games retailers today, and one of the things I was asked about was whether I'd be comfortable selling something like a Wii game – you know, those interminable collections of minigames. Babysitting Party, that sort of thing. I could answer with some confidence that yes, I would, because I know people that those games would appeal to. They're not "gamers", they're not the sort of people who would be sitting around in their pants watching E3 press conferences (you know who you are) and they probably wouldn't even consider themselves part of the gaming community. But they're still there, and it's great that they are. They might never "graduate" onto more "hardcore" games, but that doesn't matter either. Who says you have to? If you enjoy reading but you find great literature tough going are you forced to "graduate" from pulp novels to Dostoyevsky? No. (Unless you're doing an English degree.) So it should be that if you enjoy Wii Play with friends, you shouldn't be obliged to end up playing Gears of War.

The barrier for entry to the world of games as an entertainment medium is now practically non-existent. Very little in the way of technical knowledge is required to get started, save the ability to plug things into the right holes in your TV. There's no arbitrary rules to follow – Atari users will remember holding down the "Option" key while they turned their system on fondly, for example – and there's no complicated things to learn. The experience is becoming more and more intuitive, and with technologies like Kinect, whatever you may think of its real-world applications, we're getting closer and closer to a world where absolutely everyone, regardless of age, gender and technical ability can enjoy interactive entertainment without feeling stigmatised.

We're not quite there yet. Games still do have a bit of a stigma to shake off. There are subcultures within the larger group who let us all down a bit. But they have just as much right to exist and enjoy what they enjoy as the sort of person who buys Job Island for the Wii.

Gaming is no longer a thing for just one specific group of people to enjoy. It is – or at least should be – something that absolutely everyone can enjoy on their own terms.

Games are cool. And if you close yourself off to that completely like some people choose to, you're denying yourself a whole world of entertainment.

#oneaday, Day 148: We Live In The Future

Screw this motion control crap – I just watched a press conference on the other side of the world while lying in bed with my phone.

That was a tweet from Alex Martin that I received a few minutes ago. And when I think about what I've done today, it's pretty clear that we are most definitely living in the future.

I started my day feeling a bit lonely as I hadn't seen any actual real people for a little while. So I went out to the coffee shop and took my netbook with me. While I was there, I gratuitously solicited questions for my Formspring account (which people were more than happy to furnish me with) and also dropped in on the freshly-created Squadron of Shame Squawkbox.

I ended up sitting in that coffee shop for about four hours, discussing things with people from all over the world – some deep and profound, other things less so. Then it was time to come home, because as part of my job as a News Editor for Kombo.com I was on the "home team" for the E3 coverage.

I'm gutted that I'm not actually at E3. But the experience I've had throughout the course of this evening is the next best thing. I've had IM windows open with people frantically telling me to cover stories. I've had the Squawkbox open to see the Squad's reactions. And I've had Twitter open to see everyone else's reactions. As sad as it sounds, despite sitting on my own in my study in front of the computer, I've not been alone tonight. There have been many people with me, all following the same things, watching the live streams on their computers. It's as if we were all in the audience together, making sly comments to one another.

Whenever Microsoft showed off the ability to watch, say, Netflix movies as an Xbox party, I always thought it seemed a bit pointless. But after sitting watching the E3 conferences with a group of friends who aren't even on the same continent let alone in the same room as me, I think I've reconsidered a little bit.

Obviously there's no substitute for real human interaction. But when the real thing isn't possible, the fact that we live in the future makes a very adequate substitute. So big love, kudos and respect to everyone who's helped make today a huge amount of fun, and I look forward to doing it all again very soon.

I have plenty of thoughts about what's been shown at E3 so far but I've been posting news articles all day and frankly I'm completely burnt out. So I'll save further thoughts until I'm a bit more awake.

Job interview tomorrow. Quite looking forward to it. It may not be the ideal job for my current situation, but it's a foot back on the ladder and has the potential to lead onto better things. So right now I'll take what I can get.

One thing's clear to me right now as it approaches 3AM where I'm sitting: I'm certainly feeling a lot more positive than I did when I woke up this morning. And it's thanks to you, Internet. Big love to you all.

#oneaday, Day 147: Everybody Needs Somebody

Over the last few days, weeks, months, whatever, it's been becoming clear that I'm not the only one having a shit time. Quite a lot of people have been having a shit time, for quite a long time, too. Estimates from several people, given completely independently, place the time of shitness as starting roughly 18 months ago and working from there. And that sounds about right to me. January 2009 is certainly when my downward slope started, though it took a while to pick up speed. Each thing I did that I thought was a positive move ended up being either not enough, or the wrong thing to do. I'm not sorry I took those steps, because I believe that they were positive steps, and the right thing to do at that time, but it's not much consolation when I think about the position I'm in right now.

I know several other people that I've been talking to recently are in similar situations. Not necessarily for the same reasons. But for most of them, around the same time – January 2009 – things started taking a turn for the worse.

Some of these people I didn't know back then. Others I didn't know were suffering at the time. Others I did know were suffering, but didn't know to what degree. Others still were happy to tell me everything. And some lied to make it seem all right when in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.

A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. And while it's not nice to only ever talk about one's problems with one's friends, there's a feeling of solidarity, camaraderie, whatever you want to call it, of helping each other through a difficult time. Everyone's problems have a relative degree of intensity that is unique to that person. One person's "I want to jump off a bridge" might be another person's "get the fuck over it". But it's every person's prerogative to think whatever they wish about their problems. Different people deal with different things differently. That's what makes us – guess what? Different.

It's all very well saying all this. Sometimes people can't cope at all. I've felt like that before. I've had days when I can barely function. I've had nights where I haven't slept a wink. Even now, now that there's the possibility of things being back on the up, and good people coming into (and in some cases returning to) my life, there are still times when it's so tough I wonder how I've made it this far.

There are people I don't want to let down, though. And everybody needs people like that. Whether they're friends, family, colleagues, whatever. Everybody needs someone looking out for them. Even if they're not aware they're doing it. Sometimes the thing that can draw you out of the darkness is the thought "what would so-and-so think about this?", or "what would they do if they were here?" or "would they want me to do this?" They might never know what you're thinking, what you're doing, what you're feeling. But the very fact they're in your life is enough to give you the strength to do the right thing in many cases.

So, however shit a time you're having at the minute, value your friends. Tell them you care. Let them know that you're there for them. Don't be afraid to let them know what you're thinking, feeling or worrying about. You might not be able to tell everyone you know everything that you're thinking or feeling all the time. But there will be at least one person out there who you will be able to tell, even if it's only when you're off your tits on scary drinks that combine things that should never be combined together like EVER.

So anyway. Profound thoughts on friendship done for the evening. I'll write something funny again soon, I promise. But the last few days have just felt a bit, you know… well, like I want to write this sort of thing.

In other news, 3 days to go until 150. How should I celebrate?

#oneaday, Day 146: Overly Ambitious Interactive Post

This post is interactive. And long. As such, I am using a More tag for the first time ever. To take part in all the fun, read the full post. It's about Persona 4's music, and how I think it can be made relevant to pretty much any situation you might find yourself in in everyday life. I commented on this on Twitter the other day. I thought it might be fun to prove it. Turns out it is fun. And rather time-consuming to prepare. But here it is anyway.

Continue reading "#oneaday, Day 146: Overly Ambitious Interactive Post" →

#oneaday, Day 145: Fear is for the Weak

I had an ambitious and experimental post planned, but time got the better of me so it can wait until tomorrow.

Instead, I am on my way out to my buddy Kalam's birthday bash. There will be drinking involved.

I don't normally go out this late. I usually overthink things and then end up not doing anything at all. But tonight, I thought, fuck it. There are times when it's OK to just do, not think. So my intention for tonight is to follow that philosophy. Hesitation is for the weak. The contented man doesn't regret missed opportunities. And other proverbs that I've just made up.

Tonight, my intention is to try and go more with gut instinct. Hesitation and lack of confidence holds mr back to a ridiculous degree and the only way to fix that is to do something about it for yourself.

I have no idea if it will actually work. But this, at least, is the intention. There will doubtless be Twitter updates throughout the evening depending on whether things go swimmingly or are a disastrous failure that make me never want to show my face in public again.

But I've got to try, at least. So here goes.

#oneaday, Day 144: Another Multimedia Extravaganza

More pictures with sound for your delectation tonight. This time I thought I'd experiment with some black and white photos. I hadn't originally intended to take the photos with a particular theme in mind, other than that I knew I wanted to try doing some black and white ones. When I loaded the pics onto my computer, though, it became apparent that I had managed to take pictures with almost no people in them whatsoever. This wasn't intentional, but it provided a theme for the set anyway. I shouldn't have told you that, you weren't to know, were you? Let's start again.

This is a set based on the theme of being alone.

Whew, got away with that, I think.

I can assure you that Southampton is just fine and has not suffered a 28 Days Later-style zombie apocalypse which emptied the streets. Some may say that's a shame. But there are a few nice people here, so I don't wish a zombie apocalypse on the whole place just yet. A few areas, perhaps.

The music for this particular slideshow is "Living with Determination" from Persona 3. It seemed a fittingly melancholy piece for the moody nature of the photos.

Overall, I'm pretty pleased with how these pictures came out, and with the overall effect of the slideshow as a whole. It was an interesting day to take photos, actually. You can probably see how the weather changed as my journey progressed – it started dull and cloudy, but the sun eventually came out. The clouds stuck around, though, making for some dramatic, stormy skies. Hence the many pictures of clouds!

I'm definitely going to do more of these, as they're fun and reasonably easy to put together. Plus it's yet another means of self-expression, which is always good.

I've always enjoyed photography over the years. I remember getting a bit bewildered by an old film-based SLR camera back home with my parents, and later getting my own point-and shoot cameras, taking bajillions of photos and often being complimented for my good composition. Obviously I'm no pro and haven't had any proper training, so I'm sure there's all sorts of things technically wrong with them that I can do better. But as I used to tell people who came in wanting to learn about iPhoto and Aperture – if you're not being paid for the pictures you take, whether or not you like them is the only important thing.

So true – for so many things besides photography, too. Sums up the whole idea of #oneaday, in fact, not to mention the photography-based variant #365. People are doing these things for themselves as a means to express themselves, develop their own skills and perhaps show off just a little bit. When other people end up appreciating your work, it's always a pleasant surprise. And if they don't like it, it's the old artist's defense – "it wasn't for them anyway".

So anyway. I hope you enjoy (or enjoyed) the slideshow. There will be more to come in the future as soon as I get back out there with my camera and get all snap-happy.

#oneaday, Day 143: Formspring Durch Technik

I'm not sure what it is that appeals to me about question-based-sort-of-social-networking-web-2.0-nonsense Formspring, but I find it hugely addictive. I'm not the only one, either. High-profile online figures such as Leigh Alexander and Jeff Green seem to be having a blast with it, too, as are plenty of others.

The concept is simple. Anyone can ask you a question, either with their username attached or anonymously. Most people choose to ask anonymously. And it's actually more fun that way, because you then have the sort of metagame of working out who asked you what. And if you get a slightly questionable, err, question, it becomes all the more exciting to answer – was it one of your hairy male friends asking sarcastically, or was it asked by that hot chica you've got your eye on?

I think the most fun thing about it is that in coming up with creative answers to the very creative questions people come up with, you get the opportunity to talk about yourself. This is the very worst sort of narcissism that Web 2.0 brings out, of course, but it also gives you the opportunity to share things about your past, your personality, your hopes, your dreams, your tastes… all sorts of things that might not come up in conversation unless you blurted them out randomly like some sort of Fact-Tourette's sufferer.

A friend commented that the whole thing smacked of the sort of questions you get on dating sites. That's sometimes true, of course, but the difference here is that it all depends on what people choose to ask you. If people choose to ask you dating site-type questions, that's what'll happen. If people choose to ask you a series of increasingly-outrageous "what if?" scenarios, then that's what you'll get. Or in my case, you get a mixture of both until it becomes very confusing and you have no idea who asked what any more. Largely because for the most part you didn't know in the first place.

It's a service dependent on interaction, of course. If your friends are the sort of people who baulk at typing anything into text boxes, whether or not they have to bother signing up for a service beforehand, then you won't get much out of Formspring. If, however, you have creative friends who enjoy coming up with ridiculous things for you to answer, then you'll have a hell of a lot of fun with it. And your friends might even learn something about you that they didn't know before. You might even learn something about yourself that you didn't know before. Deep, huh?

If you want to ask me a stupid question, I have a list of the last few ones I've been asked somewhere to your right in the sidebar that you can click on to see my responses. Or you can just go here. You don't have to sign up for the site to take part, but if you do sign up then you get email notifications when someone asks you a question or when someone answers your question, whether or not it was anonymous.