1879: Progress, or the Lack Thereof

I am frustrated. I know I shouldn't be, because fixing problems such as those I'm having with my life right now (i.e. not having a job) takes time. But that doesn't stop it from being frustrating and anxiety-inducing, particularly when things like utility bills pop through the letterbox while I don't have a meaningful income.

There are, at least, some things on the horizon. Tomorrow I'm going to an interview for a freelance, work-from-home opportunity that will hopefully provide something to do and some money coming in. Unfortunately, I don't as yet know whether the money it might provide will be meaningful enough to make taking the opportunity worthwhile — particularly as it apparently requires a month of training in their offices in Watford, which is an hour and a half's drive away — but I figured, at present, any opportunity is better than no opportunity, and attending an interview like this is at least a chance to get a feel for what is out there, what it might pay and whether it's something worth pursuing.

Nothing has happened on the private music teaching front as yet. I'd like it to, and I've got some advertising out there, joined the Musicians' Union and all manner of other business, but still nothing as yet. I have had some business cards made, too, which I will attempt to distribute via some means in the near future, likely to local music shops and possibly supermarkets if the facility is there to put community notices up.

Work for the local music service has been going a little better, though I'm painfully aware that the work I have been doing over the last couple of weeks is just sickness cover and consequently will likely dry up within another week or two. Still, it means I've had the opportunity to show my stuff and potentially open myself up for some further work in the future. Whether or not that will lead to anything meaningful, again, remains to be seen.

So you can probably see why I'm feeling a bit frustrated and anxious. There are several things going on that might prove worthwhile, but which also might end up being a total waste of time. It's nigh-impossible to know what is actually worth pursuing, what will make me happy and what will bring in enough money to allow me to survive, and the whole business is stressing me out to a ridiculous degree. I just want it sorted, and I want it sorted now. I have plenty to offer the world, but it seems making the world pay attention is not a particularly easy task. And when it proves this difficult to be considered for even the most mundane of jobs, it leaves me questioning myself to an unpleasant degree: have I fucked things up beyond all hope?

Probably not, says the rational part of my brain. But it's hard not to keep returning to that thought when all I see in my wake is a string of aborted — failed? — attempts at having a career. I'm running out of ideas.

1877: Aaaaand We're Back

Made it home, though my last flight from Dublin back to Southampton was delayed by two hours and the heating appeared to be broken in the part of Dublin's airport that I had to wait for my flight in. It was very cold indeed and not the sort of experience I wanted before 7am. But the time eventually passed — assisted partly by Criminal Girls, whose "Education Block" chapter has made the whole experience very much worthwhile — and I got on the noisy shed-with-wings that was to carry me back to my home town, and that was that.

Unfortunately, the two-hour delay meant that I missed out on a few hours of work (and, consequently, money) today, but there's not a lot I can do about that, unfortunately. I have several hours of work tomorrow, though, so that will help, and from here I can start trying to get myself into some sort of routine, working on various different things over the course of the week in an attempt to (hopefully) make ends meet somehow.

I'm a little worried about the future, to be perfectly honest. Right now it's quite difficult to determine quite how much money I'll be able to get rolling in each month, but I guess that's something I'll be able to figure out with time — coupled with determining how much time I need to spend chasing paying work up, and how much time I have to pursue other projects which may or may not lead to something. It's anxiety-inducing, but at least it's not stressful and soul-destroying in the same way that being systematically bullied out of a "regular" job has proven to be on more than one occasion in my life. So I guess there's that.

In the meantime, I have some fond memories of the weekend just gone to look back on, and I'm glad about that. We've already been confusing people with talk of vampire zombie maids and poisonous war elephants, and it's clear that everyone had a good time, albeit an exhausting one.

I shall sleep extremely well tonight, I'm sure. At 20 past 10 in the evening, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open; I did the final boss of Syrcus Tower in Final Fantasy XIV mostly with my eyes shut. (It's quite easy.) So I think it's probably time to admit defeat to the exhaustion of the last few days that has finally caught up with me, slump into bed and fall asleep. That, at least, is satisfying; while I'm sad to have left my friends behind, it's also good to be home, and back to my own bed.

1873: PAX East, Day One

Day one of PAX East 2015 today, and we had a pretty good day, though my legs haven't ached this much for a very long time. It's been quite some time since I had occasion to stand up for the vast majority of the day, let alone walk around a whole bunch, and consequently it's been a bit of a shock to the system!

We've seen plenty of cool stuff, though, and we exhibited our pro-1337 Final Fantasy XIV skills in public by expertly taking down Shiva in a single attempt in front of everyone, then getting a T-shirt and a patch for our efforts. We also got a brief look at Final Fantasy Type-0 HD, which is looking lovely, but we didn't get close enough to have a play because the line was too long. (In fact, the guy manning the line pretty much gave us posters to get us to go away.)

I got to see my former colleague Cassandra over as Ysbryd Games, too — she didn't recognise me at first as, I quote, "there are a lot of white dudes with beards here", but halfway through her sales pitch for the excellent VA-11 HALL-A she realised who she was speaking to and whisked me behind the booth's curtains for a private look at the demo build without having to wait for people to finish playing it on the show floor. VA-11 HALL-A is looking wonderfully promising, incidentally; one to keep an eye on, for sure, as I noted when I last took a peek at it over at MoeGamer.

Then this evening we sat in on a Giant Bomb panel which was pretty entertaining — though, I must confess, not being a particularly regular viewer of their content, some of the references went right over my head. They're a charismatic, entertaining bunch, though, and clearly comfortable dealing with the public even when they ask awkward questions.

Tomorrow will probably be slightly more laid back. We're getting there reasonably early in time for the Final Fantasy XIV panel, which will reveal some of the first concrete details of the upcoming expansion Heavensward, and from there… well, who knows.

For now, though, bed is calling. Very loud.

1869: Back at the Chalkface

I'm doing something tomorrow that I've sworn a number of times I'd never do: I'm going back into a Music classroom in a school.

Things are a little different this time around, though. For starters, I'm not there as a regular teacher; I'm instead doing some work (my first, in fact) for the local music service covering an illness absence. It's also only for a couple of hours, so even if it ends up being an absolutely hellish experience (which I sincerely hope it won't!) then it won't be long before I can escape.

But let's be positive. I'm actually quite curious to see how this school is doing things, because it's the first time I've come across a school giving instrumental lessons to a whole class at once — in this case, year 3 and 4 children playing clarinet. My past experience in the Music classroom has been limited to schools with a budget of about £5 a year for the arts, and an equipment cupboard full of little more than horrible '90s keyboards, broken percussion instruments and perhaps a couple of recorders if you're lucky. 30 kids having the opportunity to learn a "proper" (for want of a better word) instrument like the clarinet is a new one on me, and I'm all for it.

Music was one of my defining "things" growing up. I started learning the piano from an early age and did pretty well. I got through exams without too much difficulty, often performed in public, participated in local music festivals (including the unusual experiences of piano duets and trios, which I kind of miss the bizarreness of) and eventually started teaching before I left for university. I picked up the clarinet and the saxophone while I was at secondary school, and these opened the door to more social music-making occasions such as the school orchestra and bands, and the county concert band (which, although fun, was one of my first real experiences with social anxiety, particularly when I overheard someone I thought was my friend taking the piss out of me behind my back). It was often hard work, but it was enjoyable, and I made a lot of good friends at university through music, too.

It was something that, as I was growing up, you had to make a specific effort to do, though. Music to me was "special" — something a bit outside of the norm — and I liked it for that. I liked that it gave me a skill that a lot of other people around me didn't have. I liked being able to play a piece on the piano and people who normally wouldn't give me the time of day would suddenly (and, usually, temporarily) think I was cool and talented. I find myself wondering whether I'd feel the same way if I'd "had" to study my instruments, rather than wanting to.

This is why I'm intrigued to see this whole-class approach to instrumental teaching. I'm not convinced it's going to be ideal, since an instrument like the clarinet in particular isn't suited to everyone. It's an opportunity for these kids to make music together, though, and using an instrument that's eminently more relatable than the usual "school music" mainstays of tambourines, tambours and guiros. And a bit more practical than getting everyone playing the piano — although I do know of some schools that take similar approaches with keyboard tuition.

Anyway. That's my day tomorrow; hopefully it will lead on to new and exciting things.

1867: Golden Time

Started watching a new (well, new to me) anime a little while back after finally finishing Silver Spoon. It's called Golden Time, and I'm not entirely sure how I became aware of it, but it was in my Crunchyroll queue and had intrigued me, so I decided now was the time to check it out.

On paper, it's a fairly straightforward slice-of-life anime. Protagonist Tada Banri is starting his new life at university, and in the process meets a number of new friends, including the obligatory harem of potential romantic interests. Of the main cast, however, the most interesting — and the one highlighted in the show's opening and ending titles — is Kaga Koko, a strikingly beautiful young woman from a privileged background who has shown up at Banri's university in pursuit of her childhood friend and supposed love of her life Mitsuo. Mitsuo, meanwhile, wants nothing to do with Koko, having surreptitiously switched universities in an attempt to get away from her, but she wasn't about to let him escape that easily.

Central to the show is the developing relationship between Banri and Koko as the former tries to help the latter come to terms with the constant rejection she gets from Mitsuo. It's a troubled and unconventional relationship, and doesn't follow the usual tropes of anime romance stories, largely because Koko is such an unstable but delightfully fascinating character.

When Koko is alone with Banri, we see what is clearly the "real" her. She's frank, candid and honest, and willing to open up about her feelings — though she'll pretend that she's putting on a front to garner sympathy from others. Occasionally she lets some obvious, genuine feelings slip, however, such as in one of the early episodes where she complains to Banri that no-one will talk to her because she has the reputation of being "that rich, beautiful girl that is out of everyone's league". Banri consistently gives her the time of day, however, and quickly falls in love with her; she rejects him, however, and puts him well and truly in the "friend zone" with her constant and emphatic reiteration of What Good Friends They Are.

When Koko comes across Mitsuo, though, her whole personality changes. She becomes obsessive, jealous and irrational. When she sees Mitsuo with the adorably cute Chinami, whom Mitsuo has taken a liking to, she is extremely rude to Chinami; Chinami, however, is a lot stronger than she looks, and brushes off the torrent of abuse she gets, even going so far as to deliberately try and befriend Koko in later episodes. Koko claims to Banri that the person she is when she's with Mitsuo is the "real her", but it's abundantly clear that the complete opposite is true; the only person with whom she can truly be herself is Banri.

The other interesting twist in the tale, aside from the complex and difficult relationship between Banri and Koko, is the fact that Banri is an amnesiac. Prior to the events depicted in the show, Banri was in an accident that cost him all of his memories from before he turned 18 and left for university. He doesn't remember who he is, what his personality is or what his relationships with others were like. As the show progresses, he starts to uncover things about his past — and I'm only a short way in so far, so I'm not sure how far it goes, but it has a lot of potential to be very intriguing indeed.

Interestingly, Banri's amnesia is depicted not only by him struggling to recall things, but by a ghostly apparition of his past self that occasionally narrates short sequences. The ghost describes himself as having "died" the day of the accident, and that the current Banri is nothing but an empty shell. Again, things aren't that simple, though, as amnesiac Banri starts discovering ties to his past — and the fact that people whom he thought were strangers and new friends actually have a lot more to do with him than he initially thought.

There are two big things I like about the show as a whole: one, that it's constantly raising new questions and drawing the viewer in through Banri's journey of self-rediscovery; and two, that a lot happens in each episode. So often with slice-of-life anime, things just sort of pootle along for a while and nothing really happens; this is fine, so long as the characters are strong enough to carry this sort of nothing-really-happens story, but Golden Time sidesteps this style of slice-of-life in favour of something that, while obviously the stuff of fiction, is plausible, believable and emotionally engaging.

I literally have no idea how things are going to turn out by the end of the 24-episode run, but I'm looking forward to finding out. I'm enjoying the show a whole lot so far, and cautiously recommend it to anyone looking for a slice-of-life show with a bit more depth than many other offerings.

1866: Going Out, and the Perils Thereof

I'm writing this from our restaurant table. We're right near the open kitchen and the food smells amazing. My mouth is watering just thinking about eating it, particularly as it's something a little unusual and different from our norm: it's Caribbean food, which I have had before, but not for quite some time, and it's not a cuisine I'd say I know well.

Unfortunately, it's also 10.30pm and we've been here since 8pm. We've only just sat down, only just ordered, and God knows how long it will take for the food to actually arrive at our table. This has, as you can probably imagine, soured the experience a little.

I should have seen it coming, of course. It's Friday night in the city centre, and that was a busy time back when I was at university. Over the last few years in particular, the city centre has undergone extensive regeneration — the restaurant we're currently sitting in is part of one of these new and restored buildings. With new and shiny buildings — and an expanding student population at both of the two city's universities — come hordes of people, of course. But I hadn't realised until now quite how ridiculously busy it gets in town.

This is probably nothing new to those of you who live in busy, bustling cities around the globe. But for me it's quite surprising. Southampton never felt like a particularly big deal, and Going Out used to be something you could do on a whim. It was often quite enjoyable to do so — friends and I would often take impromptu trips to local watering holes like Lennons and Kaos, and we'd always be able to get in and have a good time.

Not any more. Going Out appears to have become something that needs to be planned well in advance, that involves lots of standing around waiting, and that, frankly, just isn't particularly fun any more.

Perhaps it's my age. Perhaps it's the fact I've practically been a hikikomori for the past few years (and am largely comfortable with this). Or perhaps it's the pitiful organisation of this place that saw us waiting for more than two hours to sit down, let alone eat. Whatever it is, I don't count on myself doing it much more in the future, unless the occasion is very special indeed.

On the plus side, however, between writing the last paragraph and this one I've eaten a plateful of whitebait for the first time in about 20 years, and it was every bit as delicious as I remember. So at least the food is good. Worth the wait? Questionable, but at least the tedious and rubbish part of the evening is over.

1864: Trying Times

It is, as they say, a Difficult Time in my life, as regular readers will know. I also find it somewhat unfortunate that said Difficult Time in my life is coming, as with the previous Difficult Time back in 2010, shortly prior to my heading off to something that should be fun, exciting and pure escapism: my trip to Boston for PAX East. (I hasten to add that this Difficult Time is for different reasons to the 2010 Difficult Time, thankfully; I'm not sure I could go through another 2010.)

But, as difficult as it is to stay positive sometimes — and believe me, it is extremely difficult to stay positive right now — I need to focus on the things that I'm doing that are worthwhile, and that could potentially (hopefully!) lead to future happiness.

I have a real piano in my own house for the first time since I left home, for one thing. That's pretty cool, and as I suspected I vastly prefer playing it to my electric piano. The electric, though awesome and great-sounding, simply doesn't "feel" right thanks to being on a somewhat wobbly keyboard stand, and the sound of it coming out of an amplifier isn't the same as the real thing at all.

Said piano is hopefully going to be the centrepiece of at least some of my future work, and I'm making all the efforts possible to make the music teaching happen. I'm getting business cards printed, I have a listing on one of the biggest online music teacher directories in the country, I have my own website and, once the business cards arrive, I'll be giving them out to local music shops and other establishments in the hope of drumming up some business.

I'm also going to be doing some work for the local Music Service. I only have a couple of hours of this secured so far, but hopefully that will lead to more regular future things. While a couple of hours certainly isn't going to pay the bills, it's a foot in the door, which is good.

Then there's a few writing-related possibilities in the pipeline. I don't know if any of these will come to anything just yet, but hopefully they will.

And then there's a few other potential means of making some money out there, too, all of which I'm exploring in the hope of finding something that will allow me to support myself and remain at least reasonably happy for some of the time. In practical, realistic terms, it's probably more likely I will end up mixing and matching lots of different things, which maybe isn't ideal from a "stability" perspective, but will certainly keep things interesting and exciting — and more importantly, allow me to work on my own terms, which is something that I've come to crave.

I am trying to remain positive. I really am. There are good days, and there are bad days, and there are days that are sort of in the middle that can go either way. Today has been one of the latter kinds; let's hope tomorrow is a good day. Only one way to find out though, huh.

1862: Eat Well

So, how is this whole Slimming World thing going?

Pretty well, actually. I've lost over a stone since I started, and while I do occasionally feel like I'm "missing out" on some things that I previously would have grabbed and enjoyed without question — I'm talking about obviously awful-for-you-but-delicious things like cakes, anything involving pastry, McDonald's breakfasts and all manner of other dreadfulness — on the whole I don't feel like I'm starving myself, because there's usually something around that I can eat and enjoy without feeling hungry.

And I think that's the key part of this. Often I'd eat something just because I was feeling hungry, and there was also a certain degree of using it as a "coping" strategy, too; I'd reward myself with something tasty if I felt I "deserved" it, and it was never particularly difficult to think of a reason that I "deserved" it, whether it had been a good day or a bad one.

The nice thing about the Slimming World programme is that I can actually still do this if I want to — I just have to reward myself with something that isn't a cake or a sausage roll or something. Fortunately, there are plenty of things that I do like that are "free" on the programme, so that's not too much of an issue.

There's also the fact that there's quite a few pleasant surprises in terms of recipes and things that count as "free". You can have as much meat as you like, for example, so long as it's lean, and stuff like pasta and rice is also free. (Microwave rice is not completely free, mind you, as there's a bit of oil in there; it's still only 1 "syn", though, so it's not super-terrible, as you're supposed to have between 5 and 15 "syns" per day.) I like meat, so it's good to be able to just snack on some nice chicken pieces or something; better for me than crisps, for sure, and maybe possibly nicer? I'm not sure.

Andie also looked up a recipe for a Slimming World-friendly dessert the other night. The website has an impressive collection of these (along with various main courses), so we chose the Apple Betty. It came out really nicely, and tastes great. It's not syn-free, but it's fairly low on the guilt scale, with just 2 syns per slice. Best of all, it "feels" like a "proper" dessert. I love desserts; they're probably my biggest weakness. So to be able to still enjoy them and stick to the programme is great.

I've also been really impressed with the Slimming World ready meals that recently launched, exclusive to Iceland. They're good quality food and substantial portions; I've certainly never finished one and felt like I could eat another one, which is a criticism which can be levelled at other "healthy" ready meals, particularly the rather stingy portions from Weight Watchers. I've also been impressed to discover that it is indeed possible to produce a "syn-free" sausage, and they taste pretty good, too. I have no idea what they've done to them to make them syn-free, but they make for a great and guilt-free sausage sandwich, which is something to be celebrated.

Anyway. I'm glad I've been able to stick with it even with all the unpleasantness that's occurred recently. It would have been so easy to just give up and slip back into my old ways, but knowing that weekly weigh-in is coming every Wednesday helps jar me back to "reality" and make me think that I don't really need to eat something awful for me just because I feel a bit crap; I can eat, by all means, I just need to be more mindful of what it is that I am actually eating.

Success so far, then, but I still have a long way to go before I get to where I want to be. Hopefully this journey will continue in the right direction.

1860: Silver Spoon

I finally got around to finishing off the anime series I've been watching off and on for some time now: Silver Spoon. And I enjoyed it a whole lot — the amount of time it took me to watch the damn thing from start to finish was more a matter of time than the fact I wasn't enjoying it, I should add.

Silver Spoon is an interesting anime because although it technically falls in the "slice of life" category, it eschews the usual "high school harem" situation that genre usually favours, instead presenting an uncompromising, realistic, educational and non-judgemental look at the world of agriculture.

Now, you may not think that sounds like a particularly thrilling premise for an anime, but it really works. At least part of this is due to the fact that the protagonist Hachiken is put in much the same situation as most members of the audience when they start watching Silver Spoon: he's bewildered, doesn't know much about agriculture and is frequently surprised, distracted and horrified by some of the things he finds out. Over the course of the show's two seasons, both the audience and Hachiken go on a journey of discovery and learn a lot about the sometimes harsh truths that members of the agricultural industry have to deal with every day.

The show doesn't shy away from matter-of-factly explaining about how livestock is reared only to be sent to the slaughterhouse — and how animals that aren't "good enough" are treated differently — though it doesn't resort to shock tactics like actually showing the slaughtering process. (There is plenty of poo, though, and the occasional cow giving birth — though again, you don't see full gory detail; it's mostly about Hachiken's reaction rather than shock value.)

It also doesn't shy away from depicting the grim realities many modern farmers face: rising debt levels, ranches having to close down due to insufficient business, and children of long-standing farming families feeling forced into taking over the family business when they're barely out of school. There's a nice degree of drama to the whole series, delivered in an interesting, compelling and occasionally heartbreaking manner through Hachiken's interactions with his classmates, all of whom have ended up at the agricultural high school in which the show is set for different reasons.

The show's run is currently for two seasons, and while the second season does wrap up on a satisfying, suitably "final" feeling episode, there are still plenty of unresolved plotlines to explore that I believe have been covered in the manga the show is based on. Hopefully we'll get the chance to see a third season someday, because it really did turn out to be one of the most surprisingly enjoyable anime series I've had the pleasure of watching for quite some time. It's witty, it's funny, it's heartfelt and it has something to say without beating its audience around the head with The Message.

If you're looking for something a little bit different from your usual fare to watch, I can highly recommend checking it out.

Check it out on Crunchyroll.

1854: Next Steps

I bought a piano today. This is not something I thought I'd ever be able to do, but it turns out if you look around a bit, you can actually get a decent (albeit somewhat aged) piano for a very reasonable price.

In other words, if you eschew regular music shops and instead go for a more "direct" approach, you'll often find much better deals.

I acquired my new piano (which arrives on Wednesday) from a local business called Bryant Pianos. I stumbled across this site during my search for a place to acquire a piano the other day, and decided to pay them a visit this weekend. Bryant Pianos is, it turns out, a business run from home by the eponymous Mr Bryant, who has a workshop full of pianos that he acquires, restores, repairs and then sells on. (Sometimes he acquires, strips them for parts and then sends them off to the great piano graveyard, too.) He's also a piano tuner — a useful person to know when you have a piano.

Anyway, I made an appointment to pay him a visit, and we did so today. I took a couple of bits of sheet music with me — Chopin's Preludes and Liszt's Consolations, if you were curious — and tried a few out. I don't know an awful lot about different piano makes, to be honest, aside from the fact that the grand piano I grew up with — and which still occupies my parents' living room — was a good (and expensive!) make because it was a Steinway. I was familiar with a few other makes but not in any great depth; I'd heard of (and probably, at some point, played) Knights, Bechsteins, Rogers(es), Challens and various others, and also knew that new Yamahas were both very nice and well out of my price range for the moment. Bryant didn't offer any Yamahas, but he had the others, so I gave them a go.

The Rogers was the oldest piano there, hailing from 1906. It had a really nice, rich, full tone and, apparently, weighed an absolute ton, being a distinctly old-school upright piano. Its action was reasonably nice, though it proved a little difficult to control at times, particularly when playing more delicate phrases.

The Challen looked nice — somewhat "school piano-y" in a 70s sort of way — but had a rather clangy timbre that caused me to discount it quite quickly. The action was nice, but it wasn't the nicest piano there, nor was it the cheapest.

The Knight hailed from the late '40s and had quite a nice sound, but a slightly rickety action that, a little like the Rogers, made it difficult to control at times. It's something I could have probably learned to live with, but while there was the choice there, I didn't see any point in "settling" for something that wasn't quite right.

The Bechstein, which was the one I ended up going for, had a good sound and a pleasing action. It wasn't quite as full and rich as the Rogers, but it still sounded good, and, perhaps more importantly, it felt pleasant to play. I went back and tried the others a few times just to make sure, but felt confident that the Bechstein would be more than adequate for my needs. Bryant did say that due to its age — it's from the '20s — it probably wouldn't have a huge lifespan, hence the fact it was one of the cheaper instruments in his workshop, but that it would be fine for a while yet. That's fine with me; I need something to get started with, then if (when?) the money starts rolling in I can consider upgrading to a newer model. I'd very much like one of those shiny black Yamahas, but I can't help but feel that's a while off yet!

I'm looking forward to having a piano in the house again. I've had my electric piano for several years now, but it's just not the same; sitting and playing it on a wobbly keyboard stand with an amplifier of questionable quality spitting and popping at me is all very well and good, but even the small amount of "setup time" required to get that going was enough to make me not play nearly as often as I should. Having a piano at which I can just sit down and play should hopefully change that; I should play more, and, all being well, it'll form at least part of my 375th career change in my lifetime. So that's nice.