#oneaday Day 893: The One Thing That Would Make Me Play a Sports Game

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I'm not a fan of sports, as I believe I've made abundantly clear on numerous occasions. Consequently, I'm not a big fan of sports-based video games either (though I am rather more tolerant of them than televised sporting events, largely because I get to interact with them and have fun with friends — but the point stands).

It doesn't have to be that way, though. I think there's scope for sports games to reach out to people like me and provide an accessible experience that I could enjoy — and potentially learn to be interested in the sport itself over time. I caught a glimpse of such a concept in practice today when checking out a Facebook-based game called I AM PLAYR, a rather nifty little game that casts players in the role of an individual player on an up-and-coming (and fictional) football (soccer) team. The game focuses on the life of the player's character both on and off the pitch, splitting the player's time between 3D training minigames, text-based matches punctuated by interactive 3D attempts on goal by the player character and full-motion video sequences with occasional moral choices to make. While the latter may sound rather late-90s CD-ROM in nature, it added a huge amount of personality to the experience and actually made me interested to play more.

The reason I don't find sports games very interesting, you see, is that there's no sense of narrative or drama. Sure, there's an argument to be made for emergent narrative in sports games just as there is in abstract strategy games, but when I'm not interested enough in the source material I'm never going to become invested enough in the game to start thinking of things in emergent narrative terms. As such, it turns out that the very thing I needed to get me interested in playing a sports game was a story.

I AM PLAYR sees the player character following a number of off-pitch narrative threads alongside the season's fixtures. We see the behind-the-scenes drama as the team's lead striker who claimed he was fighting fit was actually receiving injections from the team's therapist. We see rivalry between teammates — practical jokes, drunken nights out, ill-advised encounters with vapid glory-chasing women. We see the team's manager trying to stay positive even as the drama unfolds within his team. And amid all this, the player character makes choices that determine how different characters react to him — including his girlfriend, who is more than a little concerned that his new-found fame will see him drifting away from her.

It's a really neat system and made me feel far more attached to my character and the team than if they were simply a collection of stats and a polygon representation on a virtual pitch. I don't know enough about how to play football effectively to be able to play a full match and win, so I'm grateful that the actual "sport" element of the game simply focuses on set-pieces and chances on goal, and then allows me to get back to the clubhouse intrigue.

After playing the game for a while I was struck with how rarely this sort of thing is seen. I AM PLAYR has high production values — all of the video is shot with real people on location, including some actual real footballers, for example — but there's no reason a team couldn't do it slightly more on the cheap with CG characters and text-based dialogue if the budget wasn't there. So why aren't more people doing it? I'd certainly play it, and I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people out there who have a casual interest in football (but not enough to play a full simulation of it) who would join me.

It doesn't just have to be limited to football, either. This formula would work for pretty much any sport. You could have the motorsports game where you developed rivalries in the pit lane. The baseball game where you're trying to follow in the footsteps of a childhood hero. The tennis game where you're struggling to come to terms with your own anger management issues. (You cannot be… etc.)

There have been examples in the past — On The Ball from Ascon for MS-DOS computers springs immediately to mind, and apparently New Star Soccer for iOS follows a similar template — but I want to see more of this kind of game. They could be the catalyst to actually get me interested in a sport and be able to participate in a conversation come international tournament time, rather than simply wanting to snap off every England "car flag" I see.

The trouble with Arsenal, you see, is they always try and walk it in.

#oneaday Day 892: In Memory of Floppy Drives

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I was struggling to think of something to write about until an offhand comment on Twitter got me thinking about, of all things, floppy disk drives.

I miss floppy disk drives.

No, wait. Bear with me. Not in practical terms — I'm sure no-one misses the days when games had a whole disk just for their intro sequence, or the era when Microsoft Office came in a box roughly the size of a Borg Cube — but in terms of… of… you know what? It's hard to describe exactly, so let me just wax nostalgic about a few things.

I used to find something oddly comforting in the sound of floppy drives whirring away doing their thing. Every floppy drive sounded different, too — the ridiculously huge 810 drive for the Atari 8-bit computers snarked and farted; the later 1050 was a little quieter (though had squeaky mechanical parts sometimes); the external floppy drives for the Atari ST made a pleasant frog-like croaking noise; the internal Atari ST drive was subtler, giving the occasional chug; and the drives in our first PCs were pretty quiet, putt-putt-putting away, usually installing something.

Their uses varied over the years, too. Up until DOS and Windows-based PCs started to take off as a serious gaming platform and required you to install everything, pretty much all software ran directly from floppies, making it necessary to have lots of those big plastic disk boxes (inevitably full of pirated software) — organised alphabetically if you wanted to remain sane. In practical terms, this meant things often took quite a long time to load, which brings us to something that is all but forgotten these days except in the most inefficiently-programmed and/or massive video games: the loading screen.

Loading screens used to be the place where the graphic artist for the game could really let rip and show off what they could do with the limited colour palette and resolution of the hardware they were working on. My most fondly-remembered loading screens were the work of Herman Serrano, a dude who could really make the Atari ST sing. (Visually. Whatever the visual equivalent of singing is. Oh, be quiet.) He did good loading screens for companies such as Argonaut and Psygnosis, and always signed his name prominently on them, which is something you don't see these days, either. Often they were just pixel-by-pixel recreations of the box art, but sometimes there were variations, and it was fun to look carefully at them, pick out the details and spot the occasional Easter eggs. You didn't have much choice, really, since there was nothing else you could do while it was loading.

While games still ran from floppies, loading breaks — now considered to be a thing of great evil that should be avoided at all cost — were considered something of a perk, as they generally indicated that you had done something good. This was true whether you were playing an Infocom text adventure on the Atari 8-bit or a LucasArts adventure on the Amiga. If the disk started chugging immediately after you did something, you were usually on to a winner. (Unless you were playing a Sierra game, of course, in which case it was entirely possible it was simply loading one of its many elaborate death scenes for your long-suffering character.) Some emulators of old systems even allow for the simulation of these loading breaks for the fully-authentic experience — though without the sound of a disk drive chugging away it loses something.

So yes. I miss floppy drives. I don't begrudge the 21st century's massive storage capacities and lightning-fast access, of course, but I do miss that comforting feel of sliding a disk into a slot with a satisfying "clunk", turning the computer on (yes! Remember having to turn the computer off every time you wanted to run something else?) and then sitting listening to the distinctive mechanical whirrs, groans and farts of the disk drive as it loaded whatever it was you wanted to play or use.

Rest in peace, floppy drives. You're missed!

#oneaday Day 891: Summer Nights

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It's crazy hot and humid at the minute. Thankfully, as I type this, the weather has deigned to grace us with some rain, which will hopefully eliminate some of the horrible "closeness" that has been plaguing us for about the last week.

You can't really win with regard to weather in this country. It's rarely "just right". It's often either too wet, too hot, too cold, grey and miserable or too humid.

Of course, in actual fact it likely is "just right" more than we realise because you only tend to notice the weather when it's hitting the extremes that are irritating enough to make you question the wisdom of actually leaving your house.

I actually quite like some weather conditions that would traditionally be considered "bad". The rain that it happening right now, for example, is lovely. There are few things nicer than being out in a rainstorm after it's been incredibly hot and humid all day (or, in some cases, all week). It's one of those times when I can be quite happy to just stand outside without any particular "protection" and get absolutely drenched without wanting to run to the nearest shelter as soon as possible. It's even quite nice to run in — though on tonight's run I did manage to get back before the heavens opened.

(As I continue to type this, the rain seems to have stopped. This is disappointing.)

Heat in general, though? I'm not a fan, as I believe I've said a number of times here in the past. I don't really understand the attraction of going on holiday to some place so hot it will literally burn your face off. I still have memories of a trip to Gran Canaria with a school friend and getting so badly burned I was peeling off my skin like a lizard for a couple of weeks afterwards. (When the burns faded, however, I looked like I had changed race, which was quite satisfying, apart from the pasty-white Speedos marks I had. It was enough to make a boy not want to take his pants off, ever — not that I was doing a lot of taking my pants off in public at the age of 12.)

Rain can be a nice relaxing background noise, though. When I ballsed up my body clock completely shortly before leaving Southampton a couple of years ago (how time flies, huh?) I often found comfort by simply listening to the sounds of rain. If it was raining outside, great; if not, I had a nice app for iPhone called Ambiance that could do a fairly convincing impression along with stuff like white noise, city noise and all manner of other sounds. You could even mix sounds together to create the sounds of camping in a rainy wood, or being in a city street in a thunderstorm. Or, indeed, being in a room full of static and wind chimes.

This post has been rather disjointed. I apologise. My brain isn't really working right now as it's quite late and I got back from a run relatively recently but I'm not really tired enough to go to sleep. I'm thinking probably a bit of Quest for Glory before bed, then back to the grindstone tomorrow.

#oneaday Day 889: Rats!

We got two pet rats yesterday. We didn't start the day intending to end it with some pets, but they were cute and we've been fancying having a pet for quite some time. Given that we're renting our house (and contemplating moving at some point, too) it's not practical to get a cat or a dog, which would have been our first choice, so something small, cute and furry that doesn't go very far was ideal, really.

I've never owned my own pet before. Sure, my parents had cats for most of the time that I was living at home, so I was used to having an animal around as a child and very much loved both Penny and Kitty. But since leaving home (on both occasions) I've never had a pet that is "mine" (or "ours" in this case). It's a slightly daunting prospect, if I'm honest, because getting a pet is essentially saying that you're confident enough that you can take care of some form of small furry creature well enough that it not only doesn't die immediately but also (hopefully) comes to love and appreciate you.

Our two rats haven't quite got to that stage yet as they're both very nervy and scared still, but they're getting there. One thing that has struck me about them is how clearly-defined their personalities are. Never having owned a creature of the "small and fluffy" variety before, I never really thought about them having particular personalities. I know from experience that dogs and cats have their own distinct character traits, but I'd never really considered rats as being the same. It does, of course, make sense — every creature, whatever species it is, is different and will react to situations in different ways regardless of primal instincts. At the most complex end of the spectrum, we have humans with their various neuroses, phobias, passions and addictions. And at the other end, we have our two rats, whom it's impossible not to assign very "human" characteristics to.

One of our rats (who has since been dubbed "Willow") is very shy. When we first got them she sat completely motionless for a very long time just staring at us. She's moving around a bit more now but is still startled by loud noises and doesn't like to be watched while she eats, drinks or indeed does anything. She's already grown in confidence, though, so she'll be fine in no time, I'm sure.

The other rat (since dubbed "Lara") is the complete opposite. She likes to explore. She was the first to come out of the box and wander around the cage. She was the first to find the food and the water. She was the first to start climbing around the bars on the side of the cage — and she's really rather good at climbing, too. She seems to be the smarter of the pair, as she figured out very quickly how to get into the "hammock" they have hanging from the top of the cage, and spent a very comfortable-looking few hours in there earlier today. Willow, meanwhile, came close to figuring it out but didn't manage to get in there, and tended to bolt if we actually picked her up and put her in there.

I'm looking forward to the two of them coming out of their shell a bit more — they're both very young and very nervous at the moment, but I have several friends who keep rats and say they're great pets that are very friendly. It will be interesting to see these little balls of fluff grow and change over time, both physically and in terms of personality, no doubt. For the moment, they're very cute and fun to watch; as time goes by, I'm sure they'll become wonderful companions and parts of the "family" (for want of a better word).

#oneaday Day 888: Avatars, Masculinity, Femininity, Wish-Fulfilment, Self-Expression and Fantasy

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My fine friend Jenn Frank (for my money, one of the most interesting people on the Internet, given the many and varied conversations we've had over the years) reminded me of a discussion we had back in 2009. You can find it in the comments here.

Basically, the discussion centred around "avatars" — custom characters that you design to represent yourself online or in a video game. I raised the point that, generally speaking, if given the option, I would go for a female character. There then followed a discussion about the reasons for this.

I'm trying to pin down the reasons for this in my own head and there are lots of them. It's not a simple thing. I can't discuss any of this from a feminist perspective as I'm not well-read enough in feminist theory, nor indeed do I know enough about gender studies and whatnot to draw any firm conclusions. I do, therefore, apologise to those more "in the know" than me if any of this post comes across as ill-informed — but I'm not trying to write an academic paper, here. What I am trying to do is "think out loud" and explain myself a little. Then doubtless someone will come along and make some incisive interpretations of my words. (That or call me something uncomplimentary. Or both.)

Let's start with a little context. I am a man. I identify myself as male and have all the appropriate dangly bits to back up this assertion. (Actually, I feel weird when I hear parents talk to their kids and refer to me as "that man" but that's a whole other issue to do with how mature I do/don't feel.)

Despite my self-identification as male, I don't do many things that I (personally, I mean) would equate with the amorphous and stereotypical concepts of "masculinity" or "maleness". I don't like sports (I particularly loathe the soccerball), I have only a passing interest in cars, I prefer to avoid conflict (and particularly the threat of physical violence) whenever possible, I am not very assertive and I have never been sexually aggressive. On the flip side, I like "geeky" things, I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity to drive a fast "small penis compensation" vehicle such as a Ferrari and I find "traditionally beautiful" women sexually appealing. Naturally, there is nothing to stop women from liking any of those things I've just described (and indeed I know plenty of women who do), but let's, for the sake of argument, call them stereotypically "masculine" or "male" things.

Conversely, I do do many things that I (again, using my own personal definitions, stereotypes and prejudices rather than more fair and balanced definitions thereof) would regard as "feminine" or "female". I am emotional and sensitive (though I find expressing some emotions such as excitement to be difficult), I like to talk about feelings and innermost thoughts with people I trust, I enjoy My Little Pony, I respond strongly to works of art (particularly music, film and games) designed to elicit an emotional reaction and, as a child, I always preferred solitary imaginative "narrative-style" play rather than group physical activities.

Somewhere between those two extremes, too, is the fact that I am extremely introspective — to a fault, sometimes — and find myself relentlessly examining myself (not physically, except, you know, every so often to make sure I don't have bollock cancer), attempting to predict the future of social interactions or going over past interactions in my head. I'm not sure if that's a stereotypically male or female thing to do, so I'll call that a neutral influence for now.

On the whole, though, I think the more "feminine" influences in terms of the way I do things and respond to things tend to win out. As a result, despite being comfortable, secure and happy in the fact that I am male (there are things about myself I am not happy about, of course, though those have nothing to do with gender) I find myself somewhat drawn to the female perspective on things. Not exclusively, obviously, but that influence is most certainly there.

Now let's look a little about avatars and what they mean.

An avatar is how you choose to represent yourself. It might be in public if you're playing an online game or using a social network, or you might be the only person seeing it if you're playing a single-player role-playing game such as, say, Dragon Age.

There are several ways you can approach the creation of an avatar, and I find myself doing them all at different times.

Firstly, there's self-expression. Your avatar is used as a means of expressing something about yourself. It could be simply depicting yourself as literally as possible, or it could be using an image to demonstrate how much you like something.

Secondly, there's wish-fulfilment — using your avatar to change your self-representation or idealise yourself.

Thirdly, there's pure fantasy — going completely off-piste and into the depths of your own imagination.

For self-expression, I can think of a number of examples. I use my real picture in a few places, though as someone who is not overly confident in their own appearance I generally try and avoid this whenever possible. Instead, very often I'll use images of things I like to represent myself as — the most frequent ones to appear in the last few years being Phoenix Wright from the Ace Attorney series and Fluttershy from My Little Pony. I use Phoenix Wright simply because I think he's a great character and love the series he's from; I use Fluttershy as a projection of my own real-life social anxiety.

For wish-fulfilment, the best example I can think of is back when I used to spend a fair amount of time in online virtual world Second Life. My avatar there was like me, but not quite. He had a skin that looked like me, but his body shape wasn't as fat. He had hair that I could plausibly pull off, but would never have the guts to ask a hairdresser for. Personality-wise (for it is impossible to play Second Life and not find yourself playing a role to at least a small degree) he was like me — open and honest, a bit shy in new situations — but more confident in who he was than the "real" me. In short, he was my own idealised view of myself — the person I wanted to be. I learned a few things from him, though not enough to overcome my considerable arsenal of neuroses. I was happy inhabiting his skin, because he was me, with a few tweaks here and there.

For fantasy, I turn to everything else. The first time I played a female character in a video game was the original Baldur's Gate. At the time, I didn't have any sort of ulterior motive in mind, I just thought it would be an interesting change from the usual musclebound male hero. Of course, in Baldur's Gate, your choice of avatar is largely confined to the portrait you use, the colours you have on your armour and the voice set you use, but nevertheless, this is where it started.

Thus "Amarysse" was born, and this remains the name I have used for pretty much all my female protagonist characters in every RPG I have played since. (If she has a surname, it's always "Jerhynsson", because "Jerhyn" was the name of the only minor character from Diablo II I could remember. There is literally no logic more complicated than that at work, though I'm not sure why I chose Diablo II as source material.)

Amarysse doesn't have a specific personality as it depends entirely upon how the protagonist character in these RPGs has been written, but, depending on the customisation options I have access to, she usually has long red hair, a curvy (though not fat) figure, a lot of charisma (in BioWare titles, this means taking as many points in Persuasion as possible… always) and a seductive voice. She is several things to me: firstly, and most shallowly, she's my fantasy woman in every respect; secondly, she is all the things that I am not. She is female, attractive (according to self-perception — I have a distorted and negative view of my own aesthetic value meaning I consider myself unattractive even though I know there are people who disagree), confident, assertive, dominant, in control, flirtatious and often sexually aggressive should the game provide the option to act in such a manner. She kicks ass, takes names and isn't afraid to say exactly what she wants, in short. I admire her a great deal, both from a shallow, libido-led red-blooded heterosexual male perspective, and from the angle that I wish I "was her".

I've taken this somewhat further on a couple of occasions in Second Life (though not for a good couple of years now) by creating a female avatar alongside my "regular" male one. (She's not called Amarysse Jerhynsson there, though, so don't go looking for her.) This female avatar began as an experiment. Second Life is about doing whatever you want, after all, so I decided I wanted to see what life was like as a woman. I wasn't going to be a man playing a woman; so far as everyone who met my female avatar was concerned, I was all woman. No-one ever called my supposedly female gender into question once, despite the fact that I said prominently in my profile that I would not talk about my "first life" (a Second Life term to describe "reality") at all — which, in the strange world of Second Life, usually means that people have something to hide. I even made a few friends (all female — or at least represented as such) in the process, though eventually I felt bad about deceiving them and disappeared quietly.

My conclusions from playing this female avatar were interesting. Like Amarysse's many forms, this avatar was pure fantasy. But since there was no prescripted "narrative" to follow, I had to choose how I was going to represent her. This attractive, curvy redhead didn't look like the sort of person to be a shy, retiring wallflower (especially not in the clothes she tended to wear in the locales she frequented) so it made no sense to overlay my real-life (or wish-fulfilment) personality over the top of her. Instead, I decided that here was a woman who was confident in herself and assertive enough to walk into the middle of a room and simply start talking to someone she liked the look (or profile) of. Sometimes she was ignored, sometimes she got into a good conversation, sometimes things took an altogether different turn which we shan't get into here. The important thing is that it felt different to be her. I wasn't me, suffering from crippling social anxiety when faced with the prospect of talking to strangers. I was this strong, confident woman. When ignored or rejected, it didn't hurt, because that wasn't what she would feel — even if it was what I would feel. She was not only my fantasy woman, but she was also my own fantasy personality — perhaps the person I wished I could be, or simply a person I knew that was very different to who I was. I'm not sure.

Anyway. There is a point to all this, at least I think there is: the reason I like to play female characters. I've already said it, actually, but I'll repeat it for good measure. There are two reasons, in fact: firstly, it's a simple, shallow expression of my own fantasy woman; secondly, it allows me to truly be someone that I am not in almost every way possible. I habitually use games as my primary form of recreation and a means of escapism, so I find a good way of escaping everyday life and the things I don't like about myself is to play someone that is so completely different from me. I don't feel any "dissonance", though; it simply becomes an alternate persona.

Perhaps the character traits of my fantasy female characters lie dormant within me after all, and all I need to do to feel better about myself is figure out how to coerce them to the surface. I did, after all, say at the beginning of all this that I identify more strongly with the stereotypically "feminine" aspects of my personality than the "masculine" ones (and, as I've said, I use those terms loosely as gender definitions are somewhat fluid in this more enlightened world we live in today) so perhaps there's something to this.

Working all that out, however, is probably something best left to someone with a qualification in psychology!

#oneaday Day 887: Things I Don't Understand

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Herein follows an updated (though not comprehensive) list of Things I Really Don't Get, in no particular order.

  • Football. (Soccer for the Americans.) Those who have known me for a long time will be well-familiar with my aversion to the supposed "beautiful game" by now, and its popularity continues to elude me even as I'm supposed to be feeling patriotic and English while Euro 2012 is going on. I just couldn't give a toss, though. Related: I also don't understand why those who like football complain about ITV's coverage of it and then don't protest about it in a form any stronger than passive-aggressive tweets. Don't watch it if it bothers you that much. Crashing viewing figures would get their attention. (One response I received to this tonight was that they had "no choice" but to watch. This attitude is unfathomable to me when the vehement, often expletive-ridden criticisms of ITV's coverage is taken into account.)
  • Carly Rae Jepsen. Who the fuck is this person and why is their song Call Me Maybe so inexplicably popular at present? I listened to it out of curiosity on Spotify the other day and discovered a bland, predictable if marginally catchy pop song — certainly nothing remarkable to elevate it above similar offerings from other cheeseballs artists such as Ke$ha et al.
  • Rage of Bahamut. Discussed in greater detail here.
  • People who park in the pick-up area at supermarkets. Is your time so valuable to you that you need to park in an area that isn't a parking space, Mr BMW driver? (Because it inevitably is a male driver, usually in an expensive German car) There are free spaces over there. I'm sure it won't hurt you to get out and walk for an additional five seconds.
  • People who comment on brand pages on Facebook. Discussed somewhat here. It seems that for some people, the "like" and "comment" buttons have some sort of irresistible magnetic force that makes these people unable to leave an inane post by a brand alone before they've posted "lol" or some equally asinine comment. I follow J-List on Facebook because (1) I like the pictures (2) I find the posts about Japan interesting
  • Radio 1 giving an on-air guided tour of a festival ground when nothing was happening there. Radio 1 had/are having (I don't care enough to check) some sort of festival, and the other day they devoted a good ten minutes or so to someone walking around the (unoccupied) festival grounds explaining where everything was going to be. The impact was somewhat lost by radio's inherent lack of pictures.
  • Jedward. Come on. Are we not over this supposed "joke" yet?
  • Beauty products. Women must all be fucking scientists to understand all that crap they sell in Boots. I certainly wouldn't know when to buy a "serum" and when to buy "body butter".
  • The enduring popularity of shit TV. I don't think Take Me Out is on at the moment, but the sheer number of otherwise normal-ish people I follow on Twitter who voluntarily subjected themselves to this televisual carcrash is astonishing. Most claim they only did so in order to bitch about it on Twitter, but I can think of far less infuriating ways to spend an evening.
  • Instapaper, Read It Later et al. I've never used one of these services so I don't really understand what they do and can't really fathom out how they work from their descriptions. I'm something of a traditionalist in the way I read stuff on the Internet — I go to the site, I read it. If I don't have Internet access at the time, I don't read it. If you're lucky I'll subscribe to your blog by email but that's about it – I don't use Google Reader or anything either.
  • How you can play the same (non-MMORPG) multiplayer game for over 100 hours and not get bored. I got bored of the one time I tried Call of Duty multiplayer after about two or three hours tops. I got sort of into it for a little while but then realised that I wasn't really having as much fun as I thought I should be having and that I didn't feel like I was getting any better, either, so I stopped. The prospect of playing a multiplayer shooter enough to contemplate voluntarily paying a subscription fee for it is unfathomable to me.
  • How Microsoft Word still doesn't work properly yet. Word first came out in 1983, yet here in 2012 I am still getting frustrated by the fact it occasionally and unpredictably changes fonts for no apparent reason, decides to format my entire document in bullet points when I tell it to undo my last action and is just generally a big buggy mess. Surely it can't be that hard to get right? It's not as if I'm even doing anything advanced; this is basic text editing that still encounters these glaring flaws on a regular (but unpredictable) basis.
  • How it's possible to have a "collector's edition" of a game that is only available via digital download. Special edition, fine. Premium edition, fine. But "collector's edition"? No.
  • Why all car parks don't take cards. I never have any cash on me because I rarely need it, so I can imagine there are plenty of other people who live their lives in a similar fashion. Payment cards are so ubiquitous now; why can't you pay for your parking with a credit or debit card in 95% of British car parks? (I made that statistic up. But it's certainly a lot of them.)
  • Fruit tea. It smells so good; it tastes so much like dirty bath water. Why must Nature be so cruel?
I think that'll do for now. Feel free to share your own Things You Don't Understand in the comments.

#oneaday Day 885: Foul-Smelling Vagina

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There, that got your attention, didn't it? Mention a stinky faff in your headline and everyone suddenly takes note. I'll remember that for the future.

Anyway, I do actually sort of want to talk about fragrant fannies today, but not in quite the way you might be expecting. I am instead referring to the social media backlash which "intimate hygiene" product line Femfresh encountered today on its Facebook page.

There were a number of reasons that Femfresh drew the ire of the Internet community today, but one of the most common complaints was its cover photo. Here it is:

Apparently, it seems a lot of ladies find the company's seeming inability to use "adult" words for their respective minges somewhat patronising — and before I go any further, I will point out that my use of various offensive euphemisms throughout this post is purely for facetious comedy value (and variety) rather than any ulterior motive — and thus took umbrage with Femfresh's page as soon as they saw the top of it. (Quite what they were doing on it in the first place is their business and their business alone.)

Not only that, but it seems that on the whole (shush!) women are, in fact, rather well-educated about what is and isn't appropriate to smear over or stick up their flange. "Bacterial vaginosis" is the result of using the wrong things, it seems, and no, I haven't Googled that because I don't want to. Don't let me stop you from doing so, however, if you're curious. Just don't come crying to me if Google Images decides to serve you up some tasty treats.

Anyway. Here are a few choice comments from the public:

"I call it a vagina because I'm not 12 years old and because I love it I'll go nowhere near this vile 'care range. Cheers."
— Holly Rae Smith.

"Are you kidding me? Trivialising something innately precious by calling it something so thoroughly ridiculous offends me and, believe it or not, all the posters on this page. Did you not perform any market research on this area and then develop a communication and marketing strategy? It appears not otherwise you wouldn't have received such an insane backlash on your attempts to flog a thoroughly unnecessary and damaging product…"
— Helen T

"Just to clarify, is Femfresh for vaginas or vulvas? Because your ad says vagina, which implies your product is a douche, in which case you're advertising a harmful product. If it's for vulvas only, change the words you're using to make it clear."
— Kirsten Hey

I shan't talk any more about the science of quim because I'm not a gynaecologist (I can, however, spell gynaecologist without using spellcheck) but I will focus on the larger issue here, which is that social media advertising campaigns can and will go very, very wrong if they're not thought out effectively. Instead of simply advertising their (apparently controversial) product, Femfresh made the mistake of attempting to engage with their "fans" when there was really no need to. By actively encouraging people to comment on their posts (and by posting vapid, patronising nonsense) they essentially brought about their own downfall. Everyone has been talking about Femfresh today, and they haven't come off too well. "All publicity is good publicity" doesn't really apply when the vast majority of those "publicising" your product are pointing out proven health risks.

The broader issue here is that social advertising should not be "essential" as so many advertisers seem to believe it to be. On Facebook, you can "Like" everything from HP sauce to a favourite video game. Doing so used to simply be a means of self-expression — quite literally, demonstrating that you liked something. Now, publicly "Liking" something is inviting the brand in question to bombard you with crap, ask you asinine questions at all hours of the day in an attempt to "build a community" around things that really don't need a community built around them. If people honestly think that their lives are going to be enriched when they click "Like" on the page of a thing that they're quite fond of, they are sorely mistaken.

Those who have "Liked" (or at least come across) Femfresh have taken a stand against this sort of pointless nonsense that is infesting social media like, well, bacterial vaginosis. In this case, it's because the advertising was both patronising and inaccurate. For less contentious products, it's going to be harder to train people to not be corporate shills — the last post on Pepsi's Facebook page has 1,094 "likes" and 74 comments, for example, none of which say anything remotely meaningful — but it seems we're starting to see a backlash of people who are no longer willing to be an unpaid part of a product's promotional team. I've certainly started "unliking" pages on Facebook that post nothing but pointless questions or fill-in-the-blank exercises rather than useful information (although seriously, what "useful information" could the official social media presence of HP Sauce ever really give you?) and I'd encourage others to do so too. This form of social advertising adds nothing of worth to society and, as Femfresh have seen today, can be completely counter-productive for the brand in question. (I guess there's an argument for the fact that today's debacle may have educated some women about bacterial vaginosis, but still.)

I'll leave you with this:

#oneaday Day 884: Just Write

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I have written a veritable bucketload of words today (including this 5,000+ word epic for the Squadron of Shame) so you'll forgive me for taking "the easy option" and indulging in some freewriting again this evening. (Technically I guess it's not truly freewriting if I go back and add a link to that sentence I just wrote after the fact, but eh. I'm going to call it freewriting and there's nothing you can do about it, really.

Today has been a fairly quiet and unremarkable day, as most days tend to be. There's nothing wrong with that, of course; having remarkable days all the time would quickly make them unremarkable and thus boring, and you'd get yourself into a cycle of increasing awesomeness, whereby it would take more and more remarkable things happening on a daily basis to make you determine that you had indeed had a "remarkable" day. So yes. Today was fairly unremarkable, which is fine. Though it did see the arrival of our new, massive, comfy sofa, so that was nice. And I guess that qualifies as something vaguely out of the ordinary, though whether I'd actually call it "remarkable" or not is up for debate somewhat.

Today I reviewed Zynga's new game Ruby Blast on Facebook. As per usual for Zynga, the game lifts game mechanics from other titles wholesale, though in the case of Ruby Blast the game isn't a straight clone of Wooga's Diamond Dash (its primary inspiration) but instead combines it with the "Diamond Mine" mode from Bejeweled 3. It works pretty well, though it does all the things about social games that probably annoy you if you're not already engaged with that particular part of the market. It has an "energy" system to throttle how much you can play, it continually asks you to share things and invite friends, and there's something just "off" about the aesthetic that makes you want to strangle the personality-free main character. Objectively, however, it's not a bad example of a social game — it's fun, quick to play, likely to earn a fair amount of money and actually encourages people to play together with a weekly leaderboard a la Bejeweled Blitz, which still rules the roost for social puzzle titles as far as I'm concerned.

What else did I do? I wrote up that epic Squadron of Shame article I posted earlier. That was the result of an extended conversation between me and my good friend Mr Alex Connolly, who makes his home all the way over in Japan. It's pretty awesome that we can have such an in-depth conversation across thousands of miles and then publish the (lengthy) results for all to see. The piece even got a shout-out from the developers of the game we were discussing, which was nice.

I also put my foot down on Facebook and determined that I am not going to put up with the facile social marketing crap that most "brands" tend to indulge in on Facebook. My new policy is that the second a game/company/other brand posts something inane, like "what are you having for dinner tonight" or "I like ________" then I will immediately unlike them. This will have little impact on their user figures, but I'll feel better about it. This kind of social marketing is apparently A Thing, and me saying it is stupid (it is) is not going to make it go away, sadly, because it's proven to be effective. Just look at any brand page asking an asinine question about what colour sauce you prefer on your kebabs and you'll see several thousand "Likes" and at least a few hundred comments, possibly more. Meanwhile we struggle to get people out of the house to vote for things that actually matter. Oh well.

I'm not sure where this rambling is going but I haven't stopped typing yet so I may as well continue for now. It's been quite warm today, but the night has become a bit chilly. I have the window open as I type this and the cold breeze is actually quite pleasant. I popped into the bedroom to see Andie before I started typing this and it is incredibly hot in there — way hotter than the rest of the house. I'm not sure why, nor do you, my readership, care. So I will stop talking about this nonsense forthwith.

I have had the song "Winter Wrap-Up" from My Little Pony stuck in my head all day. This is partly due to the fact that the other day I had to review a Facebook "virtual world" where it was possible to choose YouTube videos to put on the walls, and naturally (naturally?) the first thing that sprang to mind was PONIES PONIES PONIES. As such, I haven't been able to get that earworm of a song out of my head ever since. It's not a bad song. It's catchy. It has silly lyrics, but let's not forget it was part of an episode of My Little Pony, so we can forgive it a bit of silliness I'm sure.

I am closing in on a thousand words so I will be stopping soon. I am going to end this post with an embedded video of Winter Wrap-Up so you can all suffer like I've been suffering. It's just a shame I can't make it auto-play. Oh God, do you remember Web pages that auto-played MIDI files and other stuff? Thank heavens we moved beyond that. Now, we just have superfluous Flash animations and other crap. But it's been a very long time since I visited a website that had a background MIDI. I sort of miss it. But at the same time, any website that did do that would doubtless get mercilessly mocked. It would probably be a viral sensation these days, to be honest, but for all the wrong reasons.

Anyway. That's really nearly a thousand words now so it's time to stop, and the only thing that remains for me to do is this, as promised:

Yeah. Yeah.

#oneaday Day 883: Freewriting

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I have no idea what to write about today. So I've decided to just start typing and see what comes out. Doubtless it will be a ridiculous flow of consciousness nonsense post, but eh. What can you do.

I've used this technique before, of course. It's called "freewriting" and it's a good technique if you're planning on perfecting your creative writing craft. Well, maybe not perfecting, but it's a good means of practicing the art of getting ideas out of your head and onto the page as quickly as possible. This is an important thing to do, as ideas, if left unchecked, float around your head for a day or two and then dissipate without warning, often before you've had a chance to do anything with them. I find that I can generally hold A Good Idea in my head for up to a week at a time, but if I don't do anything about it (even if that "anything" is simply "make a note of it to come back to later") then it is gone forever. Usually. (Sometimes if it's a particularly powerful Good Idea, then it will be back with greater force. This is usually a sign that I should Do Something About It.)

Talking of creative writing, I downloaded an app for the Mac called Scrivener yesterday, and spent a little bit of time going through its tutorial and fiddling with it. It's a "writer's toolbox" sort of application, taking the approach that programming environments do for application development, only for creative projects. You have a "binder" in which you can organise the various bits that make up your work, and when it's all finished you "compile" it into its finished product, whether that's a short document or a full-length novel. There are all manner of different handy tools in there, including a corkboard where you can rearrange virtual notecards, the facility to store all your research within the single Scrivener project file and the ability to split your work up however you see fit for later recompilation. It looks pretty good, and I'm going to make use of it. I'm thinking that if I actually organise myself to start writing something, I might be able to finish it. Whether or not that will be sooner rather than later will depend on my own enthusiasm for the project and whether or not I'm able to maintain momentum. I made a start today with a couple of character sketches, so we'll see where I go from there. No, you're not getting a sneak peek yet.

And now I'm running out of things to say again. I have broken my freewriting streak by replying to someone on Twitter, which was an error on my part. I shouldn't leave Twitter open while writing. It is distracting. Everyone knows this. Perhaps I was thinking that it would provide me with inspiration for something to write. I guess it sort of has, now. You're probably wondering what I tweeted about. Well, it's all in the context, but I told Aubrey "Chupacaubrey" Norris that she is the "secret boss of PR". She was lamenting the fact that she wanted to be the Final Boss of something (Penny Arcade Report's Ben Kuchera had been referred to as the "Final Boss of Games Journalism" a few moments earlier) so I said that to be nice. Also she is awesome, and a fine example to the rest of the industry.

Anyway. I think that's enough for now. Sorry for the lame post (I'm not sorry at all) but it's very late, I'm tired, I just finished Quest for Glory II at last and now I want to go to bed. Maybe after I've sent all my Pocket Planes flights on their merry way.

Night night.

#oneaday Day 882: Microsoft Mysteries

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As I type this, Microsoft's mysterious event at which something may or may not be revealed is about to start. The usual rumours and speculation have been flying around and are just as infuriating as ever, but there's been something a little different about this event: unlike, say, Apple events, for which we tend to know the vast majority of the content well before it's announced, there's been nary a whiff of what this might be all about.

A lot of people seem convinced that the company are going to launch a tablet device, and that would make a good degree of sense what with the impending launch of Windows 8. But then there's a new Xbox on the cards. And Windows Phone is surely due for a kick up the arse. And then there's things like Surface, and all the things that Microsoft Research are up to — though let's not forget that they unleashed the monstrosity that is Songsmith on the world. (And now it's stuck in my head again. "You sing into a microphone while the drummer plays along…")

But the truth is that no-one knows. At all. No-one has any idea whatsoever what is going on, and this means that the event has the potential to be exciting. (It also has the potential to be a crushing disappointment, but that's part of what makes it exciting.)

This is something that to a large extent we have lost in the modern age of PR, leaks and the reporting of every little rumour that sneaks out. Think about it. If you reveal everything about your product months before it actually comes out, you walk a fine line between building anticipation and pissing people off with oversaturated marketing. I feel it all the time with modern high-profile video games, and I'm pretty certain tech enthusiasts feel the same way about new gadgets. I don't know to what degree it happens in other sectors, but given the way a lot of modern PR seems to work regardless of industry, I can imagine it is the same across a lot of different areas.

I can't be the only one who prefers to be surprised now and again by something. For all the mindless speculation that goes on around Apple product launches, the company itself is pretty good at keeping things under wraps until the last minute (though they let the cat out of the bag with iOS 6 somewhat). Microsoft has gone one better with this one by not letting even the slightest hint out to the press or the public. It's had a far greater effect on the public's anticipation than carefully-orchestrated "leaks" (most of which I doubt are really "leaks" at all) and "official" teasers — and as a result, everyone is on tenterhooks, watching the currently-running announcement (which still hasn't announced anything as I type this paragraph).

Basically, the lesson to be learned here, I think, is that sometimes it's okay to shut up and not tell anyone what you're doing. Because when you tease something and then respond to all questions with "we're not ready to talk about that yet" or "we do not comment on rumours or speculation" you just come across as a bit of an arse, really.

Ah, and there we go. The big announcement is the Microsoft Surface, though it's changed a bit since the table-sized device we last saw. The new gizmo is an iPad-like device with an interesting twist: its Smart Cover-like kickstand has a full multitouch keyboard secreted within it. There's also an optional other case with actual proper, tactile keys.

The fact the Surface is running Windows 8 means that it can run things like Office and the like. There'll apparently be a scaled-back version for Windows RT, and one with Intel chips for the full Windows PC experience. The latter will also incorporate stylus and "digital ink" input as well as multitouch, and apparently has the power of a full desktop PC — though whether or not it will run Crysis is yet to be seen as I type this…