#oneaday, Day 225: This Post is Controversial

Want to get your voice heard on the Internet? Then you'd better have something contentious to say, or at the very least something to say about something contentious.

I've seen it myself on this blog. The day I wrote about Kevin Smith's experiences with Southwest Airlines (day 28, if you're keeping score) was one of the highest-traffic days that I've ever seen. Granted, this being a personal blog which not that many people know about, that still wasn't very many people. But it was enough to make a noticeable spike on that handy little pageviews graph that WordPress helpfully provides you with.

And today. I happened to tweet earlier that Xbox LIVE's prices were going up by $10 a year. Thinking nothing of it at the time, I returned about an hour later to discover that this tweet, out of the other 16,740 that there are (I know, I know) was retweeted by something in the region of three billion people. All right, that's an exaggeration. But you get my point.

And then, an article published by a colleague over on Kombo has seen one of our highest ever "temperature" ratings on gaming news aggregator N4G. The subject of the article? "Top Ten Most Overrated Games". Compare this to an article I wrote on the subject of women in the games industry, which attracted ill-informed, stupid comments from people who obviously had read nothing more than the title, and you'll see that at times, the Internet is not the place for reasoned discourse. Incidentally, this isn't a slight against Lucas' great article, which actually makes some fair points.

A friend and colleague described services such as Digg and N4G as "places where lazy people go to yell at each other over stories they didn't read concerning topics they don't understand". It's sad, but it's true. It's also an awesome quote. Thank you, Brad.

So it seems that in order to get people interested and reading what you have to say, it either has to be a contentious opinion, or an opinion on a contentious topic. It's possibly a side-effect of the celebrity culture I discussed the other day, where apparently our own lives aren't interesting enough and therefore we must go look for scandal, opportunities to accuse "the system" of screwing us and chances to argue and flame at every opportunity. Are our own lives really that boring, though? Do people really have that little to say about themselves? Should I turn this into a blog about what the latest celebrity idiots have been getting up to recently?

No. Because if everyone goes about doing that, it just makes the situation worse. I'm writing here for me. I write about what I want to write about, when I want to write about it… so long as it's still one thing a day. The fact that other people read and enjoy it is a happy bonus. And it gives me some faith that the Internet isn't solely populated by dribbling spastics.

Just mostly.

#oneaday, Day 224: Patch Notes

Thank you for continuing to play Life. We are pleased to announce that Patch 2.0 is almost ready for release. It is currently awaiting approval from Apple, and we hope to have it available to all users very soon.

While you wait, here is a list of the exciting new features you can soon be enjoying from your Life experience.

Quick-Save. The most-requested feature is finally here! Are you about to get yourself into a situation which you're a little concerned about the outcome of? No matter! Simply press the Quick-Save button (assigned to your genitals by default) and, should things not go the way you intend, you can simply try again! Please note: there are certain situations when the Quick-Save command will be unavailable. Please ensure your brain has enough free space for the save data before using the Quick-Save function.

Difficulty Adjustment. Some users have commented that Life is too easy or too difficult for them. As such, we have added a difficulty slider to the main menu (accessible by closing your eyes for five seconds and then coughing). If life's getting you down a bit, simply drop back the difficulty slider for a while and enjoy increased fame and fortune for less effort. Similarly, if you're enjoying the trappings of wealth a little too much, simply bump up the difficulty slider to increase the number of scandals you'll encounter. Please note: Adjusting the difficulty slider will affect the experience points gained.

RealID. We've added a facility where once you know a person's name and have added them to your Friends List (assigned to that notebook in your dusty old chest of drawers by default) you will never forget their name ever again thanks to a handy pop-up over their head. You will also see all contact information they have made available and be able to track them via GPS. Please note: GPS tracking is not intended for use by stalkers. Misuse of this facility will be punishable by account suspension.

Common Sense. Long-time subscribers will receive an exclusive "Common Sense" special ability. When entering a situation which is potentially dangerous, illegal and/or stupid, a large red flashing sign will appear saying "STOP IT". It will continue to flash until the user removes themself from the situation in question. Please note: the "Common Sense" ability will not be automatically available to anyone who has been a subscriber for less than 25 years. They are, however, able to obtain it via questing.

Chat Filters. Another oft-requested feature, the Chat Filter facility will allow users to filter out any or all of the following depending on their own personal preferences: Profanity, blasphemy, religious fanaticism, racism, homophobia, tolerance, sexism, corporate jargon and foreign languages. These phrases can either be muted or automatically replaced via a seamless automatic translation algorithm. For example, when the corporate jargon filter is activated, the sentence "Let's table this then bluesky and run it up the flagpole for mind-showering purposes whilst leveraging our monetization strategies in the name of excellence" is replaced by "BULLSHIT".

Item Rebalancing. Coffee now restores twice as many MP. Brussels Sprouts still cause flatulence and nausea, but no longer restore any HP, thereby making them more of a novelty item than an unpleasant healing item. HP Sauce now works as intended by fully restoring HP upon consumption of an entire bottle. Kit-Kat Chunky may no longer be equipped as a weapon. Jaffa Cakes now add the Happiness effect, which stacks up to ten times.

New Dungeon. Haunted by the past? Jump into the new Personal Demons solo dungeon and fight against your worst fears. The new dungeon is only accessible at night and features our toughest boss encounters yet! Please note: Players are not able to take party or raid members into the Personal Demons dungeon.

Adjustable Day Length. Not enough time to complete all your Daily Quests? Simply pop into the Main Menu and extend the day by up to 48 hours.

Graphical Enhancements. A new "Tango" slider enables users blinded by the bright orangeness of those making use of the Fake Tan item to tone down this effect.

Social Networking. Now you can share everything you do via both Facebook and Twitter completely automatically. No longer will players need to make use of "Computer" or "Phone" items in order to inform other users that they are going to the toilet or having lunch. Please note: No responsibility will be accepted for quests failed due to inadvertent tweets/Facebook updates from places/people you are not supposed to be in.

Thank you for your continued support of Life. We hope to have the Version 2.0 patch rolled out as soon as possible. It's been many years in the making and we think you'll be really pleased with it.

#oneaday, Day 220: Five Things I Learned From Gaming

Gamers spend a considerable proportion of their lives justifying their hobby. This is not the way Things Should Be, of course. No form of media or entertainment or hobby should force its enthusiasts to become apologists. But such is the way of things.

Gaming, to some, still has a reputation of being an adolescent male-dominated thing. And sure, there are plenty of male adolescents out there playing things. But the whole thing is so broad and diverse now that absolutely anyone can get involved on one level or another. And by getting involved with gaming, there are some valuable life lessons that can be learned. And I'm not talking about the old faithful, "hand-eye co-ordination".

Patience is a virtue

If there is one thing I think that gaming has taught me above all else, it's the fine art of patience. Specifically, I'm of the opinion that RPGs in particular have taught me this.

RPGs are all about delayed gratification. There's always that next step to strive for, be it gaining another level, saving enough money to buy the Super Death Blade (only to discover it's not as good as your current sword) or beating a difficult boss.

It's not just that though. Games like Phoenix Wright with lengthy conversational sequences are reminders that it doesn't have to be action, action, action all the time. Granted, this kind of thing doesn't appeal to everyone, and there are people out there who skip every cutscene (and annoy the hell out of me, because I like cutscenes, unless I'm seeing it for the forty-seventh time) but it's a Valid Lifestyle Choice for many gamers.

Whatever you may think of crap like FarmVille too, it's obvious that in most cases, these people are displaying patience, too. Unless they're the sort of person who actually spends money on playing those games, in which case they deserve to be fleeced out of every cent they pay to the Shinra Corporation… sorry, Zynga.

Perseverance is also a virtue

Commitment to completing a task is often one of the most difficult aspects of motivating oneself. It's easy to get halfway through a project, feel like you're not achieving anything and give up. Through the awesome experiences I've had through many games, I've learned that a difficult journey often leads to an amazing destination. Take Persona. Both Persona 3 and 4 are 90+ hours long. That's a significant time investment. But the conclusions of both stories were so great that I was happy I'd spent that time playing.

Practice makes perfect

Both the epic Geometry Wars 2 battle the Squadron of Shame had upon this game's first release, and the drunken Joe Danger night my friend Sam and I had a short while back are great examples of this. If at first you don't succeed at something, try it again. And again. And again. And again. And… (repeat until you're top of the leaderboards by a comfortable margin)

RPGs are again symbolic of this. The longer the characters play and do the same things, the better they get at them. Sure, in most cases levelling up doesn't actually mean the player's skills have necessarily got any better. But the characters have. Sad old nerds like myself can pretend that they're levelling up when they get better at doing something.

Where am I?

I have an excellent sense of direction. I attribute this to two things: firstly, getting drunk a lot at university, finding myself at friends' unfamiliar houses, and somehow always managing to get home without being killed or bumraped. And secondly, playing a lot of Wolfenstein 3D and Doom when I was younger. Wolfenstein didn't have a map at all, and Doom's automap wasn't particularly clear. As such, players quickly learn to find their way around by following visual cues and working out where their eventual target is.

To this day, whenever I visit a new city, I actually quite like to get lost for a while to get a feel for where everything is. Also, shoot Nazis.

Creative solutions

This sort of thing is particularly apparent amongst gamers of a certain age who grew up with adventure game logic. How else would I have figured out that I could fix a Sega Saturn controller using nothing but a screwdriver, a piece of toilet roll and a bottle of cheap vodka? Or that the appropriate way in which to remove the ludicrously-difficult-to-remove cover on the light in my bathroom was to use a stepladder and a teaspoon?

There's an argument that watching The A-Team or MacGuyver could produce similar results. But I attribute my particular possession of this quality to adventure gaming.

So there you have it. Gaming is awesome.

I realise that by posting this I'm somewhat guilty of being one of the gaming apologists I mentioned at the beginning. But whaddayagunnado?

#oneaday, Day 219: I Like 'Em Chunky

I've been playing Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game recently. Besides being an excellently fun game that hearkens back to the golden days of the brawler, it also has some of the most adorable graphics you'll ever see. By deliberately rendering things in low-res pixel art, it somehow manages to have approximately three thousand times more charm than the shiny brownness that is Gears of War. Granted, Gears isn't a cartoony game, so it's probably not an apt comparison. But even 3D-rendered "cartoony" or light-hearted games pale in comparison to some good old-fashioned pixel art.

It's been a curious transition for art styles over the last few years. As 3D technology got better and better, the pressure was on developers to produce something that looked more and more real. The expression "if graphics don't get any better than this, I'll be happy" was trotted out with every new console generation. People spent hours looking down at the floor in Halo marvelling at how realistic the grass texture was. (Just me? All right then.) Putting things in higher and higher resolution was seen as the gold standard; something for everyone to strive for. Getting something running at 60 frames per second in 1080p? The Holy Grail.

Somewhere along the way during this process, pixel art spent some time being undesirable. I remember emulating Final Fantasy VI on my PC back when I first discovered emulation, and finding the huge pixels made incredibly clear on the PC monitor to be very offputting. I felt like I couldn't see the detail. This wasn't taking into account the fact that by the very nature of pixel art, some detail has to be omitted.

Today, though, I find myself playing PS1 sprite-art based games on my PS3 with all the filters turned off so that I can see those sharp edges. And Scott Pilgrim handles this in the same way. All the artwork is rendered in a deliciously unfiltered manner, which means you can see the "stepping" on diagonal lines, the black outlines around the character sprites and the necessary omission of detail. No-one has a nose, for example.

But you know what? It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. And I'd take a hundred games drawn in this way over another Unreal Engine 3 game. Perhaps it's just oversaturation or "next-gen fatigue" and I'd eventually get sick of pixel art again. But certainly right now, I find it to be an incredibly attractive art style that I'm really glad to see a resurgence of. And my favourite use of HD graphics is, ironically, to render low-resolution pixel art in all its sharp-edged glory.

So you can keep your next-gen sweaty-faced protagonists. (Except Nathan Drake and Elena. They may live.) Give me a good old-fashioned big-eyed protagonist with giant fists and no nose any day of the week. KPOW!

#oneaday, Day 212: Eat Poop, You Cat!

When you're in a dinner party kind of situation and the conversation seems to be drifting towards some sort of standstill, there are several things you can do to rectify the situation. You can bring out the "big boys' alcohol"—the whisky, the brandy, the port, the strong stuff that only ever seems to come out at dinner parties. You can invite everyone to retire to a different room where you can regale them with tales of how you acquired each and every record in your substantial Bavarian folk music collection. If you're a Cockney, you can gather around the upright piano and have a knees-up. Or you can resort to some sort of game.

Dinner party games aren't quite the same as "board game night" games. Whipping out a copy of Power Grid or Agricola is inadvisable unless everyone at the dinner table is an avid boardgamer already. No; something that is either quick and easy to play, or something that everyone knows is what is called for. On the "something that everyone knows" front, there are mainstays like Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly and all manner of things like that. The downside to these is that they take quite a long time to play. So that leaves the other alternative: something that is quick and easy.

You could play Hangman. But that's a bit primary school, as is I Spy. You could play Murder in the Dark, but you can guarantee that someone has forgotten the rules because there is no one person in the world who can remember all the rules to Murder in the Dark. You could play Musical Chairs, but there's always some killjoy bastard who doesn't want to get up and dance. (Usually me.)

Or you could play Eat Poop, You Cat!

This is not as sinister as it sounds. In fact, it's a very simple, quick and easy game to play. All you need are enough pieces of paper and drawing implements as you have participants. The more the merrier, generally, but the optimum number of people is somewhere around six to eight.

This game is very straightforward. There are no winners and losers. It's purely for fun and entertainment. The way it works is as follows:

1. Everyone around the table writes a short sentence on their piece of paper. For brevity's sake, you may wish to limit the maximum number of words. But generally someone will go over the limit anyway, so that's a largely pointless endeavour in most cases.

2. Everyone passes their piece of paper to the person on their left (or right, if you prefer going that way. You big freak.) and the new owner of the paper has to draw a picture representing the sentence.

3. The person who has just drawn a picture folds over the original sentence and passes the paper around again, so the next person can only see the picture.

4. This next person has to write a sentence representing what they think the picture is showing.

5. They then fold over the picture, so the next person can only see the sentence.

6. The process repeats until each piece of paper has gone right around the table and back to its original owner, alternating picture-sentence-picture-sentence.

7. The papers are then unfolded.

8. Hilarity ensues.

Like Chinese Whispers, the game often ends up in a rather different place to where it began. It plays on people's imaginations and creativity, and it's pretty rare—and actually fairly undesirable—for people to manage to keep the meaning of the original sentence intact.

There's a whole website dedicated to this game with some fantastic example playthroughs. I can highly recommend you play it the next time you start boring your dinner party guests. Rather than being remembered as that deathly dull host, you'll be remembered as a Super Fun Person! Which is good. Unless you really don't like hosting dinner parties, in which case you may actively wish to bore your guests so much that they never return.

#oneaday, Day 210: Literacy

Well, tonight was the night we recorded the first episode of the all-new Squadron of Shame SquadCast. And we think you're going to like it a lot.

There's going to be a lot more community involvement in the whole thing, too. This is led by the Squawkbox, a communal blog where anyone with a WordPress account can contribute and join the discussion. But there's nothing to stop people blogging about the things we talk about, either. In fact, it'd be awesome to see some lengthy written thoughts about the things we discuss.

So I thought I'd kick that off with some material related to a discussion we had on the show. Not to spoil anything, but it's an interesting topic.

The question is that of being "literate" in a medium versus that of being "well-read". On the podcast, we particularly focused on gaming, as you might expect. You'll find the conclusions we came to on the podcast itself. See, I like to tease.

But it's true for any medium, and not just books, either. My old friend Ed "Roth Dog" Padgett (follow him on Twitter just to stop him moaning, too, if you would) is most certainly well-read in the medium of movies, for example. He knows what makes a "good" or a "bad" movie. He knows about different directors, actors, genres, stylistic approaches, all manner of things I could never even begin to understand right now because I am merely literate in the medium of movies. I know what makes a decent structure of a movie, and I know what I enjoy. But I don't watch movies that often, and as such there may be some things that I don't appreciate in the same way that others do.

Take my recent reaction to the movie Predators. I thought Predators was a festering pile of horseshit, yet many people whom I've spoken to about it since claimed to rather enjoy it. Does this mean that I'm "wrong"? No; it simply means that my reaction is different to other people. In the case of a lot of those people, misty-eyed nostalgia over the original Predator films probably played a part. And in some cases, they quite possibly genuinely liked the generic, sprawling mess that was that movie. I have only ever seen Predator once and I'm not even convinced I've ever seen Predator 2. I think I have. But I can't remember.

I'll freely admit that I'm not particularly well-read when it comes to movies. I've never seen Citizen Kane, Clockwork Orange or Rocky Horror Picture Show. I haven't seen the vast majority of Arnie's output. I can name about three directors off the top of my head. I struggle to name a "favourite movie". But I can at least appreciate a decent movie when I see one.

With books, it's the most literal kind of, well, literacy. You can read. Or you can be well-read. If you can read, there may be stuff you enjoy. Perhaps you enjoy Mills and Boon romance novels, but only for the naughty bits. Perhaps you like the cheesiest kind of epic fantasy there is. Perhaps you like a diverse range of stuff.

In every medium, everyone has the opportunity to become "literate", and to understand that medium on a level that is sufficient to make it accessible and enjoyable. But it takes a lot more work to become truly "well-read" and to understand what the "canonical" titles in that medium are. And in media as diverse as these, it's entirely likely that everyone has their own opinions on what the "canon" might include.

So, anyone interested enough to comment, then: pick a medium that you feel particularly "well-read" in, and give us some examples of what you think might be "essentials"—the "canon" for that medium. I'm intrigued to hear some responses.

#oneaday, Day 209: Coming Soon

Tomorrow night, The Squadron of Shame are back in action after something of a hiatus.

For those of you unfamiliar with our unique brand of discussion and podcastery, let me explain what it's all about, and when the new podcast hits, you'll be able to come and join the fun.

The Squadron of Shame started as a result of a feature on 1up Yours dubbed "The Pile of Shame". The term has since spread around the Internet somewhat, and it refers to all of the things that you've bought and never got around to reading, listening to or playing. In the case of the original 1up feature, it referred to that pile of games you have on your shelf that are begging to be played, but somehow inevitably get left behind whenever the latest triple-A hotness makes an appearance. The first game they took on was the excellent Psychonauts.

As it happened, the feature was somewhat short-lived on the 1up podcast. But a number of community members ran with the concept on the companion forums for the 1up "radio" output. We formed a club page on 1up which is still there, though largely inactive these days. We'd pick a game which was supposed to be good (or at least interesting), play it through as a group and discuss it all together. Some fascinating discussions resulted, and it also allowed many people to expose themselves to a variety of games which they might not have done otherwise. Games like Star Control II, Freespace 2, Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth and Psi-Ops.

As time moved on, the group wanted more. The merging of all the 1up boards into one mangled mess meant that the reasoned debate of the old threads was much more difficult. Topics would get derailed and it was clear that a new approach was needed.

Thus began the SquadCast, the Squadron of Shame's official podcast. Starting with independent rabbinical adventure game The Shivah, select members of the group banded together to do what they did best: play through a game together, then put their heads together and have a discussion about it. Ably hosted by the fine Mr Chris Whittington and edited/produced in a sort-of OKish manner by my good self, the show is now 29 episodes strong and has covered subjects as diverse as the Commodore 64, Russian FPS-adventure depress 'em up Pathologic and charming indie puzzler Machinarium.

Following circumstances beyond their control (mostly beyond my control, I admit) there's been something of a gap since our last episode. So we've thought that now is the time to take a break, consider how to make the show better and come back stronger than ever with some brand new output in a whole new format.

So, tomorrow we're recording. And next week we'll be proudly presenting The Squadron of Shame SquadCast, Season Two. Taking some of the advice we got from Jeff Green, Shawn Elliott, Ken Levine and some others who I've forgotten speaking on the Podcasting for PR panel at PAX East, we've made some changes.

The show's going to be bi-weekly. This means that rather than have variable gaps as everyone clamours to complete a "mission" before we talk about it, some regularity will allow us to build up a more, well, regular listenership.

Next up, it's going to have a static cast of host Chris Whittington, Mark Whiting, Jeff Parsons and myself with occasional guest spots available where appropriate. Jeff is in the process of composing us a brand new theme tune, too, so it's going to be a complete sonic reboot.

Most importantly, though, each episode is no longer going to be focused on a specific game. Instead, the focus will be on particular "topics", with occasional traditional "mission" podcasts interspersed as appropriate. This means that people will hopefully be more inclined to tune in regularly and hear what we have to say, rather than skipping episodes about games they have no interest in. As part of this, the official Squawkbox of the Squad will be playing a more prominent role, with community questions and discussions a regular occurrence. If you already have a WordPress account, you can head right over and start chatting with us. If not, it's simple to sign up. Everyone who's interested in discussing video games and who isn't afraid of the odd (all right, frequent) wall of text is very welcome to pay us a visit.

Besides the changes, it'll be our same wordy, intellectual, chin-stroking discussion about video games, representing one of the most unique podcasts on the Internet. We'd love it if you could join us for our relaunch. Visit the Squawkbox, follow us on Twitter, become a Fan… sorry, Like us on Facebook and find our past episodes and those of our sister podcast The Exploding Barrel Podcast here.

2010 is going to be a great year for the Squad. We hope you'll come along for the ride.

#oneaday, Day 206: Hello.

First up, please excuse me for just one moment.

AAAARRRRGHH!!
AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!
GRRRAAAARRR!!!
RAWWWRRR!!!

Thanks for bearing with that for a moment. It was deeply and completely necessary. Also, I had to reformat it so it didn't mess up the formatting of the page. Rawr.

Right. So, this post then. I thought I'd introduce myself. Why? Because my first ever post on this blog was a long time ago, and many things have changed since then. Also, due to various things that I'm not going to go into and rant about right now, I am still looking for work.

Particularly writing work.

I am a writer. That's what I do. First and foremost. More than anything. It is what I spend the vast majority of my days doing. I write this blog every day. I write news for the very awesome Kombo, staffed by some of the finest people I've ever had the good fortune to work with but not meet in many cases. I've written two articles for IGN. I've scribed a number of articles for utterly wonderful DRM-free digital-distribution site Good Old Games. I've submitted a bunch of stuff to BitMob, most of which was promoted to the front page as a "featured article". I've covered a variety of things for parental gaming advice site WhatTheyPlay. And I edit and produce the podcast for the Squadron of Shame, which will shortly be relaunching in a triumphant new format. I also set up the Squad's community site, the Squadron of Shame Squawkbox, which you're welcome to join. In fact, there's a big-ass list of most of the things I've done right here.

I have been semi-to-moderately prolific. And I love it. There's more stuff in the pipeline, too. Find out more as it happens.

So, using the power of Web 2.0, I'd like to ask a favour of anyone reading this.

Pimp me out. Share my stuff. Tell people how awesome I am. Point them at this blog, and the #oneaday project. Tell them about my stupid stickmen drawings. Show them my in-depth, opinionated news articles on Kombo which actually provoke discussion when I dare to mention Phantasy Star in anything less than positive terms. Dazzle them with my mad interviewing skills on my IGN articles about Crackdown 2, the first time I'd ever visited a developer.

'Cause I'd very much like this all to work out. Writing is awesome, and through it I've learned a lot about myself, met some fantastic and awesome people and joined a community of people who are as passionate about the things we love as I am. It may not always pay well (or indeed at all in many cases), but it's what I love to do. So if you can help me gain any exposure using your undoubtedly fabulous amounts of influence that you hold on the web—that's a really nice shirt, by the way—then I'd of course be eternally grateful and will buy you a bag of chocolate raisins or something.

In the meantime, a good friend (and Captain #oneaday), Mr Chris Schilling, has convinced me I should be pitching stuff around the place. So if you're a writer or involved in the publishing industry yourself and have any contacts you'd be willing and able to introduce me to, I'd very much appreciate that, too.

Shameless, I know. But whadyagunnado?

#oneaday, Day 205: Protect Me, Knight!!

As I've said before, the Xbox Indie Games Marketplace is a veritable treasure trove of golden doubloons mixed in with stinky, festering turds of considerable awfulness. Tonight I'd like to share with you another one of these golden nuggets of goodness.

It's called Protect Me, Knight but in the Marketplace it's listed under its Japanese name which I don't know how to type owing to its excessive use of kanji. Kanji? Whatever they are. Yes, it's a Japanese game—those of you who have explored the Indie Marketplace will be aware that the Japanese titles on there often have some of the best production values and gameplay. Even if said production values and gameplay are perpetually stuck about fifteen years in the past.

Take Protect Me, Knight, for example. This is a game so committed to its retro presentation that upon loading it, the graphics sometimes corrupt and you have to blow on the cartridge by pressing A. This is a joke which is funny the first time but which can mercifully be skipped after this point.

Once you're into the game proper, you're shown a screen with a princess in a castle imploring the player to "HELP ME MY HERO" and "KILL !@#?ING GOBLINS". Leaving the game in its attract mode summons up some of the finest Engrish you will ever see. I won't spoil it for you here. But it's absolutely legendary. In fact, it's such a wonderful example of Engrish that it's almost impossible to believe that it wasn't done deliberately.

Anyway, the game is a 4-player co-operative game where players can pick one of four characters—Fighter, Ninja, Amazon or Mage—to play as in order to protect the princess from the hordes of "!@#?ING GOBLINS" who want to re-kidnap her. This is achieved on a NES-style static screen. Players run around frantically beating the crap out of all and sundry by hammering the A button or pressing B to use each character's unique skill. Players can also build barricades around the princess and even push her out of harm's way. Scoring hot combos causes the princess to throw "LOVE POINT" at you, which doubles as currency and experience points. Between levels, "LOVE POINT" can be spent on powering up characters, or during levels they can be spent to build or upgrade barricades.

It becomes very hectic very quickly. And with multiple players, it's a hell of a lot of fun. It's an incredibly simple game—and pretty short, too—but it is unashamedly fun. And the Engrish continues throughout the game. The skill descriptions for each new level are hilarious. For example, the fighter's top skill (a spinning melee attack) is described as "MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE TORNADE!" (with previous levels being "TORNADE!", "MORE TORNADE!", "MORE MORE MORE TORNADE!" and… you get the idea.)

It's a stupid yet fun game in an unashamedly retro style, yet it's unmistakably a next-gen take on a retro title. There's no way a NES would be able to handle the hundreds of sprites on screen that this game throws at you without breaking a sweat.

It would make a great XBLA title with online play and leaderboards. Sadly, its immense Japaneseness is sure to see it eternally relegated to the backwater of the Xbox Marketplace that is XBIG. Still, I've done my little bit to raise exposure to it now. So gather three friends together, fire up this game for a very reasonable 240 points and Have A Fun!!

#oneaday, Day 201: Have At You!

Microsoft's Summer of Arcade is a time for great games to appear on Xbox LIVE Arcade. Last year we had some real gems including Splosion Man and Shadow Complex. This year so far, we've had the opinion-dividing Limbo, Hydro Thunder Hurricane and this week, Castlevania: Harmony of Despair.

Critical response to Castlevania appears to have been almost universally negative. Yet having spent some time with it, I'm struggling to see what the problem is. It's a solid old-school platform game that I imagine will be an enormous amount of fun in co-op. I'm hoping to test that theory this very weekend—so if you want to play, do get in touch. I'm "sonicfunkstars" on LIVE.

Sure, there are one or two stupid decisions. Offer six player co-op and only five different characters to choose from? Silly Konami. Still, it's highly probable that most people will want to play as Alucard anyway, so the fact that multiple players can choose the same character is possibly a sensible decision.

The game itself, if you haven't checked it out, is a curious twist on the usual Castlevania formula. It's split into six "chapters", each of which features a version of Dracula's castle based loosely on one of the past games. They're not as big as the entire games they're based on, though the different areas of each castle are clearly recognisable to those who've played the games.

The objectives for each chapter are twofold. First of all, the players must work out how to get to the boss. And then they have to beat the boss. Both of these things must be achieved against a strict thirty-minute time limit. This is more than enough time if you know what you're doing. But, this being Castlevania, there's one or two confusing "So… where now?" moments to contend with. And there's no hand-holding whatsoever. If you weren't aware that characters can double-jump off the surface of water, for example, there's no way you're ever going to finish the first level. You can have that tip for free.

Character progression isn't handled the same way as the RPG-style levelling of the Metroidvania games. There's no experience points, but characters do have equipment. The different playable characters each have their own quirks. Jonathan Morris, for example, can only wield the Vampire Killer whip as his weapon, but is able to equip up to four subweapons to throw at enemies. Alucard gets suitably dhampiric skills to hurl at enemies while yelling things. ("DARK METAMORPHOSIS!") And the others have skills appropriate to how they played in their respective games.

Characters can level up individual stats by picking up various food items from around the levels. These don't appear to bear any particular relation to the stat they increase—donuts increase intelligence, apparently—but I guess you can learn what they do. And if you're learning the layout of a level, you'll quickly learn where you can go to increase various stats, because they're in the same place each time.

Where I see Castlevania being interesting is in challenging yourself to beat each level faster and better. The top few gamers to beat a level have a replay saved online for all to witness. And there's some impressive playing on display already.

I also predict that online co-op will prove to be thoroughly entertaining, but as I say, I'm yet to try it.

It's not for everyone. If you don't like platform games, Castlevania in general, pixel art or prog rock backing music you'll probably hate it. But for those of us who can recite Dracula's full speech from the beginning of Symphony of the Night? Enough talk! Have at you!