#oneaday Day 435: Performative tediousness

As time advances ever-onwards towards my holiday and my (possibly permanent) break from social media, I find myself considering starting the whole thing early. Bluesky in particular has started showing worrying signs of the sort of passive-aggressive, performative annoyingness that plagued Twitter in the mid-2010s — this was, for me, what really set me on a path to disliking social media in general — and it's just not really fun any more.

There are aspects of Bluesky I do like. The "nuclear block", which prevents anyone seeing the specific posts you're replying to or quoting when you blocked the original poster, remains the platform's best feature, and is a good — albeit imperfect — solution to dogpiling. But dogpiling still goes on, because there are other ways of doing that.

But the passive aggressive thing, known in a past life as "subtweeting", where you post something obviously intended for the attention of a specific person, but one that you're not replying to explicitly, has seen a marked uptick recently. You know the sort of thing, posts that start "If you think [not-particularly contentious opinion, like thinking trans people should have rights], then just unfollow me now" or "When someone says [exceedingly obvious and hyper-specific red flag that clearly someone has mentioned in the last ten minutes], that tells you everything you need to know about that person" — posts that are intended to wind up a very specific person, but in a "not touching, can't get mad" sort of way; posts that encourage a "well, if you think this might be about you, you might be the problem" sort of attitude.

Look, I'm not saying we shouldn't confront hateful bigotry when it comes up. Particularly these days, when the significant progress we've made over the course of the last decade in terms of tolerance and acceptance with regard to race, gender and sexuality appears to be coming undone at a frighteningly rapid rate. But there are better ways to do it than posting passive-aggressive statements into the void. If you want to have an argument with someone, just go ahead and fucking have the argument. It might make you feel better for five minutes, until you realise how much time and energy you have wasted trying to change the mind of someone else on the Internet.

Or you could do something yourself that is more positive. Be the change you want to see in the world and all that. Calling someone bouncing off the walls going "I HATE THE JEWS" a "Nazi" is not suddenly going to make them go "shit, I am? I am, aren't I? Thank you for setting me straight". Setting a good example yourself, meanwhile, up to and including getting involved in activism if you feel strongly enough about the issue in question, is a much more productive use of everyone's time. It won't stop the Nazis being Nazis, but if there's one thing several decades of Internet discourse should tell you at this point, it's that very little will.

One technique I've found extremely useful in training myself out of getting into annoying situations online is that if I see something which, for one reason or another, angers me, I will fully type out an indignant reply, look at it for a moment, take ten seconds to think "do I actually want to post this? Is the potential fallout from posting this worth it?" and then, more often than not, delete it, because the answer to both questions is inevitably "no". Just recently, this has been happening with such frequency that I find myself asking a follow-up question: "do I really still want to be part of this community, if situations like this keep arising?" And the answer there, too, is often turning out to be "no".

This is the thinking behind my great "unplug" in early September. I'm going to disconnect completely from all forms of "discourse" online for the duration of my holiday. I'm still going to keep my phone with me, of course, and I will do things like keep up to date on the news and suchlike with RSS, but social media and any sort of "open" chat (read: Discord) is off the table for me.

I'm just glad I've never got involved with TikTok. My overwhelming feeling from my thankfully limited exposure to TikTok is that TikTok is hell for this sort of performative crap, except now you have to see someone yelling things into their phone camera instead of posting indignant text messages. And TikTok never ends. God, what a fucking nightmare proposition.

I realise this entire post could itself be seen as performative and passive-aggressive. But, frankly, this is my own website, and I'm not pushing this out into the wider world in the hope some very specific person is going to see it. I'm just writing it for myself. And possibly my cat, who has been cuddling my leg for the entire time I've been writing this. I hope you enjoyed it, Patti.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 434: The battle to re-enable comments

A while back, I disabled comments for old posts, because I was getting a few unpleasant people trawling through past posts and being kind of a dick. Now that appears to mostly be a thing of the past, I have, on multiple occasions, attempted to re-enable comments on old posts, only to find myself running into a brick wall.

I tried turning off the "automatically close comments on posts older than [x] days" setting in the WordPress dashboard. I tried turning off the same setting in the Bluehost plugin (which, while I'm no longer using Bluehost, was still active on my site to do stuff like caching and auto-updates). I tried batch processing all my old posts in the WordPress Dashboard and checking "Allow Comments" on them. I tried doing posts individually. Nothing seemed to work — posts older than a month were getting their comments closed, even though I had, seemingly, turned off everything that should be doing that.

I spent a bit of time tinkering in the Dashboard earlier today in an attempt to try and fix this once and for all. And the only thing I found that worked was to set the "close comments older than [x] days" figure in WordPress' settings to 999999 days, or just shy of 2,740 years. A smaller figure would have probably worked, but I wanted to use one that I wouldn't have to update in my lifetime. I will note that changing this setting is what worked despite the "close comments older than [x] days" checkbox being unticked. So apparently something, somewhere, had got its knickers in a twist and was still closing comments after 28 days, even though all the relevant settings on the back end had been set firmly to "no, please do not do that".

So there you go. If you want to go back through my old posts and leave comments on them, you can now do that. The only thing I would say about that is to please remember that this blog has been up and running in one form or another (though not always at this URL) for 17 years, and I am not the same person now that I was when I first started it, nor am I the same person I might have been at the time you take offence at something I wrote at some point in the last 17 years. Times change, attitudes change, opinions change. I don't think I have changed all that much in my core beliefs — I've always been left-leaning and sex-positive with little patience for bullying — but my willingness to wade into the mud of the Internet and actually fight is seriously diminished these days. Today, I just want a quiet life, to be perfectly honest.

If you have wanted to leave a comment on something older than the last 28 days and have found yourself unable to do so — sorry! I have been trying to fix the problem and it wasn't until the above last-ditch "I wonder if this works" attempt actually worked that I've been able to sort it out good and proper!

So yeah. Come say hello in the comments if you feel like it. Or not. I'll be here either way.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 433: Point of impact

Burnout is one of those things that I'm not entirely sure is completely 100% recognised and accepted as an actual medical "thing", but it's certainly accepted as being a phenomenon that exists. I have been feeling kind of shitty lately, so I thought I would self-assess against the symptoms of burnout listed by the charity Mental Health UK:

  • Feeling tired or exhausted most of the time – yep
  • Reoccurring insomnia and sleep disturbances – yep
  • Frequent headaches – nope, occasional ones but probably a "normal" amount
  • Muscle or joint pain – yep, but I suspect that's more down to general unfitness
  • Gastrointestinal problems, such as feeling sick or loss of appetite – nope, but I have kind of the opposite problem, where eating becomes a coping mechanism
  • Frequent illness due to lowered immunity – nope, actually, I haven't been properly "ill" for quite a while
  • Issues breathing – occasionally, though with the current heatwave I'm not sure this is a representative sample
  • Feeling helpless, trapped and/or defeated – oh hell yes
  • Self-doubt, feeling a failure or worthless – abso-fricking-lutely
  • Feeling detached and alone in the world – most definitely
  • Feeling overwhelmed – yes indeedy
  • Feeling demotivated, having a cynical/negative outlook – yessir
  • Loss of interest and enjoyment – in some areas, yes; in others, not so much
  • Persistent feelings of dread, worry and anxiety – yes, very much
  • Procrastinating and taking longer to complete things – yep
  • Difficulty concentrating – depends what I'm doing, but at work, definitely
  • Decreased output and productivity – yes, both at work and on personal projects
  • Becoming isolated and withdrawing from people, responsibilities etc. – very much so
  • Reliant on food, drugs or alcohol to cope – no to alcohol and drugs, food is better than it has been in the past, but not great
  • Irritable and short-tempered, likely to ha- FUCK OFF
  • Increased tardiness, being late for work and/or higher absenteeism – I find it difficult to get up and running first thing in the morning, but once I'm settled in I'm fine

So that's… hang on (counts)… 18 out of 21 symptoms if I count all the "maybes" and "sometimeses" as "yes". That… doesn't seem great, does it? Should probably do something about that, maybe. I mean, I'm going on holiday soon, and I think that's going to help — and my plans to mostly disappear entirely from the Internet for the duration of that holiday (with the exception of this blog, which I intend to continue updating) will probably help, too (aside from the "feelings of isolation" thing). But there's still a good few weeks to go before I have made it to that holiday, and right now it's feeling like it's quite a long way off.

And the trouble with burnout, if you've never experienced it, is that it makes all the things you're already worrying about feel approximately a billion times worse, and, in the process, makes it feel like a truly Herculean effort to actually reach out to someone who might be able to help with matters, because it also creates an intense sense of fear and mistrust towards… well, almost everyone, really.

Chief among my worries right now is a concern about my work. Without going into specifics for now, there's an aspect of my job that I really don't enjoy, and which I would absolutely love to be able to give up, but since I have been muddling through with it up until now (and feeling the most potent sense of impostor syndrome in the process) I feel like it might look a bit strange to just bring it up now. And so I haven't. But by not doing so, it feels like it just sort of festers inside me, dragging me down and making me feel more and more burnt out the more I worry about it.

The sensible solution is probably, of course, to bring it up with my immediate superior, who is a thoroughly nice and understanding sort of person. But the prospect of that carries with it its own "fears" — I don't want to seem like I'm letting anyone down, more than anything, and by admitting that I'm finding something difficult to cope with, I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing. Realistically speaking, burning myself out until I'm little more than a charred husk in an office chair is probably letting people down more in the long-term, but still. It is scary. We live in exceedingly uncertain times in the business I'm in, and for the most part, I like the job I do and do not want to do anything which might jeopardise that.

Anyway, as I say, I don't want to say too much on specifics, because the details are conversations I need to have with the appropriate people, not splurge onto the Internet. And besides, it's not the only thing that is contributing to my current condition; frustration at the general state of the world, feeling completely and utterly isolated from friends, plus my overall physical and mental wellbeing are all contributing factors, too.

But I think it's pretty safe to say that I am indeed suffering from burnout, and my impending holiday is something I am very much looking forward to as a result.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 432: My Girlfriend's Not Here Today

I haven't read any manga for a while, so after Amazon recommended a new-ish series called My Girlfriend's Not Here Today and showed off some excitingly racy cover art, I decided to jump into my second yuri manga series about cheating.

I like yuri stories, and I don't mind admitting that at least part of the reason is due to, shall we say, baser instincts. But I also just like the general tone and vibe that stories which focus entirely on girls have. As anyone who has explored various subdivisions of Japanese popular media will know, there are certain conventions in play when it comes to particular categories of story. They're not completely universal, of course — that would probably be boring after a while — but it's not unusual to find yuri/girls' love stories about interpersonal drama and cheating, while yaoi/boys' love, in my limited experience, often tends to delve into darker themes like abuse, emotional manipulation and even violence.

I must confess, at this point, that yaoi is a bit of a black spot in my overall knowledge, hence the generalisation above, but I'm not against the idea of exploring it; there are a lot of very well-regarded yaoi visual novels that I'm very curious to investigate at some point, for example.

Yuri, meanwhile, I have a bit more experience with. In the video game/visual novel space, I've particularly enjoyed the Nurse Love series, which consists of two tonally very different girls' love games, ostensibly about the careers of young and trainee nurses, but which go to some… interesting places in certain of their routes. I can also highly recommend the incredible SeaBed, which is just a beautiful masterpiece of writing generally that just happens to be yuri at its core.

In the manga space, meanwhile, I read through all of the delightfully sweet Our Teachers are Dating! and Netsuzou Trap (NTR for short, because why hide it?) a while back and enjoyed all of those (and doubtless a few others I've forgotten) a lot.

Anyway, My Girlfriend's Not Here Today has an intriguing premise. We have a pre-established girl-girl relationship between main protagonist Yuni and her volleyball enthusiast partner, Nanase. Yuni is frustrated with Nanase because Nanase seems to care more about volleyball than about her — and, on top of that, she refuses to show any signs of affection in public or acknowledge their relationship to anyone. Yuni, being a teenage girl in the 2020s, naturally takes to her "vent" account online to complain about her situation, and ends up getting noticed by the mysterious, quiet honour student Fuuko — who, it turns out, is quite the scheming, manipulative little succubus, and someone who has been watching Yuni's vent account for quite some time.

Frustrated with Nanase, Yuni hesitantly confides in Fuuko, who very quickly becomes attached to Yuni. Things come to a head in the first volume when the pair duck into a private room at an Internet café to discuss things and end up sharing a passionate kiss after Yuni believes Nanase had forgotten their six-month anniversary. Naturally, she immediately regrets this — particularly when Nanase phones her, better late than never — but also finds that she can't stop thinking about Fuuko. While she believes she loves Nanase, her growing frustration with the seemingly growing distance between her makes the contrast with the passionate, impulsive Fuuko all the more apparent — and it's clear Yuni finds that attractive, despite herself.

What I've found interesting about My Girlfriend's Not Here Today so far after reading two volumes is how definitively "2020s" it feels. Some manga feels like it deliberately places its setting in an idealised alternate reality where people still talk to one another face-to-face and smartphones were never invented — wouldn't that be fun? — but it's a core part of My Girlfriend's Not Here Today's identity to include thoroughly modern concepts such as a "vent account" and related matters, such as young people's tendency to overshare things online without necessarily considering the long-term consequences.

There's a great tense of tension between Yuni and Fuuko, who obviously have a lot of chemistry with one another. Fuuko in particular is presented as striking an excellent balance between terrifying yandere and someone who has quite legitimate reasons for feeling and acting the way she does, and Yuni's frustration at her inability to communicate effectively with her supposed partner is very much a story for the ages.

I particularly love the way the art is presented, especially in the early parts of the first volume. Fuuko is initially drawn in an almost ethereal, ghost-like style, which can perhaps be interpreted as Yuni gradually coming to "notice" her more, with her attention having been firmly devoted to Nanase up until this point. She's presented as a delicate beauty, yet her behaviour subverts the expectations one might initially have based on her appearance, and, although she is, at times, an overbearing, even aggressive instigator of the illicit relationship between her and Yuni, she also clearly has flaws and weaknesses that I suspect will continue to be exposed and explored as the story proceeds.

I'm not sure why I'm drawn to stories like this. Having been on the receiving end of cheating multiple times in my life, one would think that I would not care to seek out such things in my entertainment. But the fact is, situations that often get boiled down to "cheating" are often complex, volatile affairs — and that makes for thoroughly interesting, compelling stories about interpersonal relationships. For some reason that is something that many yuri authors in particular find themselves drawn to, and, honestly, I'm here for it.

I've enjoyed the first two volumes of My Girlfriend's Not Here Today a great deal so far. I look forward to reading the rest.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 431: It ain't our photos and emails causing a water shortage

Here in the UK, we are suffering something of a water shortage. Several areas are in full-on drought status, and many areas, including hours, are subject to what is colloquially known as a "hosepipe ban", more officially known as a "temporary use ban" or "TUB". In other words, we're not supposed to use our hosepipes to water our garden (or, indeed, anything else) for the duration of the ban — which, of course, is exactly when our gardens and plants could actually probably do with a bit more water than usual.

There was an insultingly stupid press release that went out today from the government. Amid all the obvious advice like "fix anything that's leaking" and "don't leave your shower running all night" they had the gall to offer this nugget of wisdom:

Delete old emails and pictures as data centres require vast amounts of water to cool their systems.

Yes, that's right; people hanging on to their online memories, because no-one saves things locally any more — and that's a discussion in itself, I'm sure — are to blame for this drought! All those pictures of your beloved pets and family members, some of whom are likely no longer with us? They are, apparently, hoovering up all the water! Those precious emails from your first contact with someone special? Glug, glug, glug! And that draft of your novel you're never going to finish almost certainly drained half of Yorkshire's reservoirs just by existing.

I jest, obviously, because cloud storage on an individual scale is — no pun intended — a drop in the ocean in terms of water usage for these data centres. Even for all the people in the UK. Even for all the people in the world.

You know what actually is sucking up all the water in a completely wasteful, pointless way? All that shitty AI that is continually being foisted on us! ChatGPT-5 doesn't know how many letter B's are in the world "blueberry" but it's guzzling up water like nobody's business.

Per 404 Media, a report from the USA earlier this year estimated that the 250 million AI queries generated in America every day by people who think talking to the lying plagiarism robot is somehow "productive" consumes enough water to fill roughly 1.67 Olympic-sized swimming pools. That's every day. The World Economic Forum claims that AI datacentres will be responsible for consuming up to 1.7 trillion gallons by 2027, which is more than 4-6 times the total annual water usage of Denmark. From the same report, a "medium-sized data centre" (regarded as 15 megawatt) consumes "as much water as the yearly consumption of either three average-sized hospitals or more than two 18-hole golf courses".

Yeah. My Google Photos library isn't the problem. My email archive isn't the problem. The fact that we are blundering headlong into an environmental, economic and societal catastrophe by going all-in on the demonstrably idiotic and useless thing that is generative AI is the problem.

I say "we". I don't know a single person who actually wants this AI-powered future. Even from the most delusional AI glazer, I'm yet to hear any concrete proof that any of this is in any way helpful or desirable. (That is not an invitation, by the way.)

And now we, the people, are being punished for something we apparently have no control over. We, the people, are being given the responsibility of being more "frugal" just so we can watch the world's most useless corporations continue to incinerate billions of dollars an hour, contaminate our water supplies and take advantage of the most vulnerable people in society.

God. I fucking hate the future. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It has been said numerous times before at this point, but this is the worst possible cyberpunk future. And it seems so obvious that everything is terrible, and yet no-one with any power to do anything about it appears to want to do anything about it.

If you need me, I'll be emailing all my photos to myself.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 430: Poisonous fantasy

So I picked up Blade of the Poisoner last night, as offensive as the Kindle version's cover is to me, and started to read it. As predicted, it is pleasantly easy to read, and the fact that each chapter is less than five minutes "long" at the speed I read means that I suspect I'm probably going to power right through this in short order. As noted yesterday, though, that's no bad thing; sometimes it's nice just to read something that stimulates the imagination a bit without challenging the more "technical" parts of your brain too much.

I'm actually surprised how much of Blade of the Poisoner I'm remembering — and I don't necessarily mean the details of the story, I mean certain little turns of phrase that have, for one reason or another, stuck in my mind for many years, even without having touched this book for probably several decades at this point. There were a few in the first chapter alone: protagonist Jarral's hesitant question "Can we go and … look at the village?" after his village has been burned to the ground by the evil Prince Mephtik, and the description of the character Archer falling to the ground, "sudden blood staining her brown curls" after being lamped over the head with the butt of a crossbow. Neither of these are particularly remarkable pieces of writing, but they are, for some reason, apparently lodged in my long-term memory, and I'm sure they won't be the only ones.

Thinking about it, despite a longstanding interest in and appreciation for the genre, one thing I don't think I've ever really tried my hand at writing myself is straight-up fantasy. I've done sci-fi, I've done "real world with fantastical elements", I've done "gritty realism", but one thing I don't think I've ever done is create-your-own-world-with-its-own-rules fantasy. And, dipping into Blade of the Poisoner for the first time in a long while last night, I feel like that's something which might be fun. I'm still yet to do anything with my "Scratch Pad" creative writing site that I've set up, largely because I haven't really been struck with any sort of "inspiration" just yet. But I think this might be it: it might be time for me to have a go at fantasy, and see what happens.

Fantasy is interesting because it has a whole different set of considerations to other types of writing. By its very nature, you don't have to follow the "rules" of reality, but you are then faced with the challenge of ensuring your world is internally consistent. How does magic work, if it is present at all? What species call that world home, and how are you going to ensure none of them accidentally end up as thinly veiled racial stereotypes? What social structures are in place? How do you strike a balance between giving the baddies threatening-sounding names and ensuring they don't end up sounding like medical terminology? Is there any connection between that world and ours? Is that world an "alternate Earth", or is it a completely different planet, perhaps with its own rules?

Lots of things to consider, and establishing a setting in this way can, at times, be a really fun part of writing. It is also an easy part to get very bogged down in, so one has to find a good balance between making notes on things that are important to the story you want to tell and the setting in which you want to convey that story, and not getting carried away writing what effectively amounts to a Dungeons and Dragons sourcebook. Of course, there's also a certain amount of value in fleshing out your setting to a ridiculous degree, because that can lay the foundations for future stories you might want to tell in that setting, but one shouldn't lose sight of one's main goal. As with any type of creative project, particularly if one hasn't indulged in such things for a while, it pays to start small and see where things go from there.

So yes. I am thinking. Hard. I can't promise if and when anything will appear over on the Scratch Pad, but I'll be sure to link it here when something does. And in the meantime, perhaps just a chapter or two more of Blade of the Poisoner, you know, as inspiration


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 429: Past poisonous pleasures

After finishing Jane Eyre, I find myself pondering what I might want to read next. At the moment I am torn between wanting to keep my sufficiently "Victorian-calibrated" reading mind in practice by reading something else from the 19th century — I have several things in mind, including things that are both new and familiar to me — and wanting to read something simple, straightforward and, let's be honest, dumb.

There's a certain appeal to reading something that is well below your ability level. I'm obviously not talking about regressing to See Spot Run or suchlike, but returning to what tends to be lumped under the all-expansive "YA" (Young Adult) umbrella today offers a compelling prospect. Not only are titles from this particular part of the literary sphere easy to read, they also tend to be short, which, after ploughing through Jane Eyre (which had been formatted incorrectly on Kindle so it only displayed the amount of reading time remaining in the book rather than in your current chapter as it is supposed to) is definitely appealing.

One pair of books I'm actually quite interested to return to is Douglas Hill's Poisoner duology, which consists of Blade of the Poisoner and Master of Fiends. These were probably some of my earliest exposure to fantasy fiction, and I remember absolutely loving them as a kid. Well, more accurately, I loved Blade of the Poisoner; I never had my own copy of Master of Fiends, though I believe my friend Matthew had a copy that I borrowed on more than one occasion. I definitely read it at least once.

Blade of the Poisoner is fairly traditional, unremarkable fantasy with a touch of childish wish-fulfilment in there. The protagonist is a 12 year old boy called Jarral who, in fantasy novel tradition, grew up as a country bumpkin. Through certain misadventures, the details of which I forget, Jarral becomes marked by Prince Mephtik's magic blade; specifically, he gets a big letter "M" carved on his chest, and the nature of Mephtik's blade means that anyone given so much as a scratch with it will die on the next full moon, hence his colloquial name, "The Poisoner". You probably see where this is going.

Blade of the Poisoner does indeed go exactly where you expect it to, but that's what made it appeal to me as a kid. I enjoyed the simple, straightforward fantasy story of good versus evil, and even though I knew things were almost certainly going to be all right for the good guys by the end of proceedings, I still enjoyed reading it. Blade of the Poisoner, I recall, stood quite well by itself, but Master of Fiends was a solid sequel that raised the stakes somewhat.

I also remember being quite taken with the descriptions of the Lady Mandragorina as a kid; from what I recall, she was a pretty young woman around a similar age to Jarral (and me, when I was reading the book) and… well, there was definitely some teenage wish fulfilment going on there. These days, I suspect the formidable figure of Archer may have some appeal for me, from what I remember of her powerful thighs and suchlike.

Sorry, where was I? Oh, right. Yes. I think I might actually re-read Blade of the Poisoner (and possibly Master of Fiends also) if it's available on Kindle (it is!) and see how well it holds up to my old, jaded eyes. And then I'll jump back into some sort of Victoriana. Maybe.

Aside: The cover for the Kindle version sucks. Look at this low-effort photoshoot of a dude in an anorak in someone's back garden:

And compare, if you will, to the cover of the version I grew up with:

Yeah. C'mon. That's more like it.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 428: My home online

As I count down to deactivating all social media aside from the little bit I need for work, I find myself tinkering with this site to make it a more comfortable "home" online. After all, once I ditch Bluesky, I will have no feed- or algorithm-based social media at all, with only YouTube (which is algorithm-based, yes, but I don't really count it as "social media"), Discord and various other private chat solutions (depending on friends' preferred methods) remaining.

Honestly, at this point, I'm relishing the prospect of some peace and quiet. Bluesky was fun for a while, but it just doesn't really feel worth the effort. Absolutely no other social media whatsoever holds any appeal for me, and I long for (LONG for) the day when I can ditch the work social media accounts also, because I absolutely detest working on them.

There are plenty of people out there who, I'm sure, have made social media work for them and even have an enjoyable time scrolling their feeds. I haven't felt the same sort of joy in silliness that I did in the early days of Twitter for many years at this point; after online interactions in general sort of imploded on themselves around the Gamergate years, things were never quite the same again afterwards. They'd been building that way for a while — for me, I think the Mass Effect 3 ending "controversy" was the beginning of the end, and that was, what, 2012? — and ever since then, what little social media I've kept up and running has been for one of two reasons: fear of losing touch with people that I have only ever interacted with on social media, and the feeling of "obligation" that I had to share my work, be it personal or professional in nature.

I still fear losing touch with some people, although honestly so many people have just fallen out of my life completely over the course of the last decade or so, what's a few more at this point for an incredibly lonely middle-aged man? The people who really matter to me, I already have alternative means of getting in touch with. I have a pinned post on my Bluesky page making my intentions clear, and so far no-one has made any particular attempt to get in touch via alternative means, and thus I have to conclude that either no-one cares, or it's going to be a situation where two months down the line, someone goes looking for me, finds my account deactivated and goes "I wonder what happened to that guy?"

I'm here. I'm still here. I've always been here. And as I let go of more and more of the toxic "services" that have been poisoning my mental health for the last decade and a half, I look forward to this place (and my other sites) being my true "home" online.

You are, of course, welcome to visit, dear reader. I'll be very happy to welcome you in.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 427: Reader, I married him

I finished reading Jane Eyre last night. I can't quite remember exactly what prompted me to read it again — for it was the third time I've read it in my life, having read it once at school, once at university and a third time now — but I'm glad I did read it. I suspect it was most likely on my mind after playing, writing about and making a video about the rather fabulous adventure game, The Excavation of Hob's Barrow, which is very much steeped in the ideas of "the female Gothic" and particularly that style of literature's distinctive breed of heroine.

But I feel like it was also a bit of a challenge to myself; in recent years, all I've really read in book terms are modern English novels and serialised (translated) light novels that originated in Japan — not that there's anything wrong with either of those, but they're not exactly one might call a challenging read for the most part. And that's fine; sometimes you don't want to have to work to enjoy something.

Going back and reading literature from the past, though, is always interesting. I found with this most recent re-read of Jane Eyre that, as I expected, it took a while to get back into the swing of 19th century English. This is a particularly interesting time for the language when there is a lot that is perfectly recognisable and parsable to a modern audience — we had reached a point where most words were spelled as they are today, for example — but there are a lot of more subtle things, like structural elements, turns of phrase and the way sentences are constructed, which can be challenging to dive headlong into. Take a look at this, for example, which is technically all one sentence:

He was, in short, in his afterdinner mood; more expanded and genial, and also more self-indulgent than the frigid and rigid temper of the morning: still, he looked preciously grim, cushioning his massive head against the swelling back of his chair, and receiving the light of the fire on his granitehewn features, and in his great, dark eyes—for he had great, dark eyes, and very fine eyes, too; not without a certain change in their depths sometimes, which, if it was not softness, reminded you, at least, of that feeling.

(Jane Eyre, Chapter XIV)

I'm willing to bet that, unless you make a habit of reading 19th century literature on the regular, it probably took you a scan or two to read and fully parse that single sentence. There's nothing there that is particularly difficult in and of itself — there are no complex, archaic words to decipher, no random untranslated French phrases (which do occur elsewhere in the book) and not even any particularly complicated concepts to understand — but the sheer number of subordinate clauses, semicolons, colons, dashes and suchlike means that the sentence, as a whole, goes several "layers" deeper into nested punctuation marks than a 21st century copy editor would be altogether comfortable with.

And so it was for me when I started re-reading Jane Eyre. I remember having this struggle when first I beheld it for (I think) A-level English Literature, and being actually quite relieved when it came up early in my university studies, as it was still fairly fresh in my mind, meaning I wouldn't have to go through the whole "calibration" process again. But it had been long enough since those university studies and today that this time around, I did have to recalibrate my mind somewhat — and I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it at first.

But, to my surprise (and delight) it happened a lot quicker than I thought it would. The thing with pre-20th century literature (heck, anything from before the mid-20th century, even) is that you kind of have to bang your head against it repeatedly until it yields enough to let you in. And when it does — because it will, eventually, given sufficient perseverance — you will be rewarded. Because as complicated as that sentence quoted above is, it's also terribly evocative. If you're the sort of person who can derive mental pictures from the words you read — and I'm aware not everyone can do that — then you probably got a pretty strong one from the above description of Mr. Edward Fairfax Rochester.

The thing that makes Jane Eyre particularly enjoyable to me is its first-person narration. You're not just listening to a disinterested narrator explaining what has happened; you are, instead, listening to a participant of the story recount and reflect on the things that happened to them. I've always been rather drawn to first-person narratives — many of my own prior creative works are written in first-person — and I suspect that Jane Eyre was one of several influences on me in that regard. For me, a first-person narrative style really allows you to get to know the protagonist of the work; it's why I resonate so well with Japanese visual novels and light novels today, I think, which are also typically written from the first-person. It gives you the sense of separation that you are not the star of the story — this is a contrast between visual novels and traditional adventure games, for example, as the latter use second-person narration — but also allows you a particularly intimate relationship with the protagonist; one that even the protagonist's closest confidantes in the narrative itself don't enjoy, in many cases.

For example, consider the relationship between Jane and Rochester in Jane Eyre. Many of their interactions between one another take the form of verbal sparring, with Jane's sharp wit matched by Rochester's sarcasm; both spend a significant portion of the novel trying to get the full measure of the other, with each concealing their true feelings for reasons that are their own. If this were presented from a disinterested outsider's perspective, we might not get the same understanding of the situation, as to someone who doesn't know at least part of what is going on, their interactions might look like genuine snippiness with one another.

In the case of us, the audience, we only get to learn the absolute truth of Jane's take on the situation, which is that part of her wants to keep Rochester at arm's length because she senses a certain degree of danger from him (which, it turns out, is not entirely unjustified) but also because she detects he enjoys their repartee. We later, of course, learn from Rochester himself that he has been playing his own little game with Jane — with certain members of high society forming his playing pieces — but without Jane's suspicions about the situation or Rochester's eventual admission, it would have been very easy to misinterpret everything.

It's interesting to contemplate the book's viewpoints on certain matters, given how society has changed since the time it was written. Jane Eyre is often cited as one of the first great feminist works, for example, and it's not hard to see why. Jane herself is a powerful figure who is, for the most part, in control of her own destiny; she learns and grows stronger from hardships and adversity, and it's only at one point in the narrative — where she flees Thornfield Hall after learning of Rochester's mad wife in the attic, then accidentally leaves her meagre worldly possessions in a coach before getting stranded on the Moors in the middle of nowhere — that we ever see her display what one might call "weakness". Even during that time, however, she's shown to have a good head on her shoulders, and makes some wise decisions that ultimately pay off, despite the indignity of collapsing on a stranger's doorstep.

The book is surprisingly scathing about religion — a fact which caused some critics to baulk at it on its original release — but it makes a solid argument. The figure of St. John Rivers, a character from the latter part of the narrative, presents an interesting challenge for Jane; up until now, she has attempted to live her life in a good, Christian sort of way, but St. John shows that one can perhaps take things in that regard a little too far — particularly once he starts proposing a loveless marriage to Jane (who, we have learned by this point, is actually his cousin) on the grounds that she would "make a good missionary's wife". Jane is having none of that shit, of course, and tells him so; even so, the fact that she does start to wonder if she might be coming around to his way of thinking by one point presents a surprisingly potent exploration of how abusive relationships work, because this crack in her resolve is the result of St. John's unrelenting dickishness towards her after her initial rejection of him. St. John is a cunt and I'm glad he died alone in India. There, I said it.

Anyway, yeah. Jane Eyre was a good read. This is, of course, something of an understatement given what a classic work of literature it is considered to be — and how it ranks highly in various "greatest books of all time" polls — but I think it's easy to forget that pre-20th century literature can just be "enjoyable" as well as "great" and "important".

I certainly enjoyed re-reading Jane Eyre. Now I have to determine whether to continue riding this wave of enthusiasm for classic literature, given that my brain has been successfully recalibrated for 19th century prose, or if I should read something for a bit of light relief. I haven't quite decided yet, but I will definitely be making more time for reading.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.

#oneaday Day 426: Dear me, I was...

Having finished No Sleep for Kaname Date, which I will try and make some time to do a proper write-up of soon, I decided, this evening, to play through Dear me, I was… from Arc System Works, a Switch 2 wordless visual novel type thing that is less than an hour long, and which I was pretty certain was going to be an emotional gutpunch. Sometimes you need a good one of those, and Dear me, I was… certainly delivers on that front.

I shan't say too much about the details of the game because, as I say, it's very short, and it's the sort of thing best experienced for yourself — so long as you're open to the idea of what is basically a short animated film with occasional very minor (but nonetheless meaningful in the context of the story) interactions.

The concept is simple: the game follows the life of an unnamed woman, from her earliest childhood memories up to her old age. Each chapter represents a particular part of her life, with each opening with one of the few interactive sequences in the game: her eating breakfast. It's surprising quite how much meaning is layered into these simple sequences, whether it's the way her breakfast evolves as she ages, or little things like how her child self leaves the tomatoes on the side of her plate.

Dear me, I was… is one of those games that is probably going to mean different things to different people, but at its core it's a story about the protagonist's relationship with art, and how she uses it to help process her emotions, connect with other people and reflect on her past. A number of things happen to our leading lady over the course of her life, many of which are rather mundane, but nonetheless meaningful to her as an individual. Some things are left a little ambiguous and open to interpretation, which will doubtless help each individual player to connect with the complete work in their own way, and other things are obvious, indisputable truths, but aren't dwelled on.

I feel like part of the point of the game as a whole is to reflect on the idea that life passes you by before you know it; while, when you're young, you might feel like an eternity stretches ahead of you, as you get older, things definitely feel like they start to accelerate in some ways. Sometimes this makes difficult events from the past easier to let go of or at least reflect on; at others, it makes it all the harder to process things.

The game definitely got me feeling things, and absolutely tearing up at numerous points throughout. I'm not sure I could tell you exactly what was making me feel the various emotions I felt over the course of the game, but it's testament to the game's excellent use of visuals and music to tell its wordless story that I felt those things at all. Of particular note is its use of colour; events unfold in three distinct "styles" as a reflection of the emotion of what is happening at any given moment — or perhaps the protagonist's mental state and feelings — and it hits surprisingly hard when, say, the colour fades from the world, and everything starts to be represented in shades of grey, or even just line art. Likewise, it's almost a relief when you see the beautiful watercolours return; a reflection of how everyone's life is full of ups and downs, and the only person who can truly understand one's own feelings is oneself.

To say too much more would probably be getting into spoiler territory, so I'll leave that there for now. Suffice to say that if you're the slightest bit open to video games as a storytelling medium — don't expect any sort of "mechanics", puzzles or challenge here — this is an essential play. Absolutely one of the most beautiful things I've experienced for quite some time, and highly recommended to those who like this sort of thing.


Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

If you want this nonsense in your inbox every day, please feel free to subscribe via email. Your email address won't be used for anything else.