#oneaday Day 433: Point of impact

Burnout is one of those things that I'm not entirely sure is completely 100% recognised and accepted as an actual medical "thing", but it's certainly accepted as being a phenomenon that exists. I have been feeling kind of shitty lately, so I thought I would self-assess against the symptoms of burnout listed by the charity Mental Health UK:

• Feeling tired or exhausted most of the time – yep
• Reoccurring insomnia and sleep disturbances – yep
• Frequent headaches – nope, occasional ones but probably a "normal" amount
• Muscle or joint pain – yep, but I suspect that's more down to general unfitness
• Gastrointestinal problems, such as feeling sick or loss of appetite – nope, but I have kind of the opposite problem, where eating becomes a coping mechanism
• Frequent illness due to lowered immunity – nope, actually, I haven't been properly "ill" for quite a while
• Issues breathing – occasionally, though with the current heatwave I'm not sure this is a representative sample
• Feeling helpless, trapped and/or defeated – oh hell yes
• Self-doubt, feeling a failure or worthless – abso-fricking-lutely
• Feeling detached and alone in the world – most definitely
• Feeling overwhelmed – yes indeedy
• Feeling demotivated, having a cynical/negative outlook – yessir
• Loss of interest and enjoyment – in some areas, yes; in others, not so much
• Persistent feelings of dread, worry and anxiety – yes, very much
• Procrastinating and taking longer to complete things – yep
• Difficulty concentrating – depends what I'm doing, but at work, definitely
• Decreased output and productivity – yes, both at work and on personal projects
• Becoming isolated and withdrawing from people, responsibilities etc. – very much so
• Reliant on food, drugs or alcohol to cope – no to alcohol and drugs, food is better than it has been in the past, but not great
• Irritable and short-tempered, likely to ha- FUCK OFF
• Increased tardiness, being late for work and/or higher absenteeism – I find it difficult to get up and running first thing in the morning, but once I'm settled in I'm fine

So that's… hang on (counts)… 18 out of 21 symptoms if I count all the "maybes" and "sometimeses" as "yes". That… doesn't seem great, does it? Should probably do something about that, maybe. I mean, I'm going on holiday soon, and I think that's going to help — and my plans to mostly disappear entirely from the Internet for the duration of that holiday (with the exception of this blog, which I intend to continue updating) will probably help, too (aside from the "feelings of isolation" thing). But there's still a good few weeks to go before I have made it to that holiday, and right now it's feeling like it's quite a long way off.

And the trouble with burnout, if you've never experienced it, is that it makes all the things you're already worrying about feel approximately a billion times worse, and, in the process, makes it feel like a truly Herculean effort to actually reach out to someone who might be able to help with matters, because it also creates an intense sense of fear and mistrust towards… well, almost everyone, really.

Chief among my worries right now is a concern about my work. Without going into specifics for now, there's an aspect of my job that I really don't enjoy, and which I would absolutely love to be able to give up, but since I have been muddling through with it up until now (and feeling the most potent sense of impostor syndrome in the process) I feel like it might look a bit strange to just bring it up now. And so I haven't. But by not doing so, it feels like it just sort of festers inside me, dragging me down and making me feel more and more burnt out the more I worry about it.

The sensible solution is probably, of course, to bring it up with my immediate superior, who is a thoroughly nice and understanding sort of person. But the prospect of that carries with it its own "fears" — I don't want to seem like I'm letting anyone down, more than anything, and by admitting that I'm finding something difficult to cope with, I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing. Realistically speaking, burning myself out until I'm little more than a charred husk in an office chair is probably letting people down more in the long-term, but still. It is scary. We live in exceedingly uncertain times in the business I'm in, and for the most part, I like the job I do and do not want to do anything which might jeopardise that.

Anyway, as I say, I don't want to say too much on specifics, because the details are conversations I need to have with the appropriate people, not splurge onto the Internet. And besides, it's not the only thing that is contributing to my current condition; frustration at the general state of the world, feeling completely and utterly isolated from friends, plus my overall physical and mental wellbeing are all contributing factors, too.

But I think it's pretty safe to say that I am indeed suffering from burnout, and my impending holiday is something I am very much looking forward to as a result.

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