One of the things I've struggled immensely with in more recent years — particularly during and after the COVID years — is a sense of belonging. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't feel like I have any friends. I feel like in the spaces where I have attempted to fit in, my presence is more just sort of tolerated at best, rather than particularly appreciated. And I'm really tired of having to pretend like everything's okay.
My particular snapping point this evening came in a small online community that I'm a member of. I'm not going to go into the details of the situation or the venue — and perhaps the fact that I don't feel able to, for fear of causing upset or drama, is part of the problem here — but suffice to say that a comment was made which made me feel rather unwelcome. It wasn't aimed directly at me, but it still had the net effect that I felt 1) unwelcome and 2) unable to talk about it, because honestly, it's not the first time it's happened, and on a previous occasion where I did speak up about it, there was a lot of unnecessary stress that I'm not especially keen to repeat.
The details don't matter. The important part is that I now feel less inclined to attempt to engage with that community on the things that are important to me because of this incident. Despite having been a member of that community for a while, and theoretically having a fair bit in common with a lot of them, I have, in various ways, been made to feel like I don't matter, like my opinion isn't important, like I'm somehow wrong to feel upset when something like this happens.
I don't say anything because I know what the response will likely be. "Stop being defensive." "It's just a bit of fun." "It's a bit of banter, isn't it?" All with an implied "you're in the minority here, so everyone is going to laugh at you for getting upset".
I don't like this. I don't like that I feel this almost anywhere I go online these days. I don't like that I find it near-impossible to make new friends, I don't like that I can't be honest about things I'm thinking or feeling, and I don't like that the only places I have where I feel like I can really express myself are those that I have complete control over — like this blog and MoeGamer — and which getting people to pay attention to is difficult. I even feel anxiety posting things on YouTube and Bluesky for fear of someone (often wilfully) getting the wrong end of the stick and yelling at me.
But more often than not, I'm just ignored. Tuned out. I'm unimportant. Unremarkable. Worthless. No-one cares. If I cried out for help, like if I was going to do something really stupid, I feel like no-one would come. Thankfully I do at least have my wife, who loves and supports me, and my cats, who unconditionally adore me, as I do them. So that is something, at least.
It's just sometimes it would be nice to remember what it's like to have friends. People I can share just small but special moments with. People I can be unabashedly nerdy and dumb with. People I can get drunk and play retro games with. People I can get a pizza and watch anime with.
I used to have all of those things. There are, mercifully, still a few small elements in my life that mean I haven't given up hope on all of the above completely. But every day it feels like it gets a little bit harder, and the world feels a little bit less like I really belong in it.
Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.
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