Good morning. Apologies for the slightly late post, but our Internet went down at home last night right before I was going to post this, and I really didn't feel like writing on my phone as I was tired. So here we are!
I'm back at the day job. And rather than feeling refreshed after my week off, I'm feeling pretty terrible. That week of working on projects I actually wanted to work on really highlighted to me how incompatible I feel with the "corporate" life. Not that I didn't know this already, but it feels particularly profound this time around, and it's frustrating.
Yesterday, like every Tuesday, was a day almost completely filled with conference calls. I didn't say anything on any of them because I had nothing to say. I barely listened to any of them because they had nothing to do with me. And yet I was expected to be there. I guess I should count myself fortunate that my employer isn't one of those ones that expects you to pointlessly be on video chat for such situations, but it still wasted almost my entire day and left me feeling completely drained and unmotivated.
This was further compounded in the afternoon by our team's leader calling us to talk about a new "process" which was utterly pointless, could be better served with a simple fix that would take less than two minutes rather than the 45+ minutes she spent farting around with our piece of shit online tools and which no-one felt comfortable actually objecting to because we "must respect the process" otherwise it is "dangerous". (It is not dangerous.)
I need out. But right now it just doesn't feel possible to escape in a "safe" way. The only companies that appear to be hiring consistently are big corporations, and swapping one instance of corporate life for another isn't going to solve the issue. I need to work somewhere where I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile and something that I actually care about — or even better, doing my own thing completely and being able to make a living from it.
It could be far worse, I know. I've experienced far worse. I've been in situations where I've been bullied out of jobs and treated like crap by the people I worked for. None of that is happening here, thankfully. I should probably be grateful. But I can't ignore the toll that this is still taking on my mental health.
While being in the depths of depression isn't the best time to be productive about this, when I clear my head a bit I think it's time I started actively looking around for alternatives to my current situation, because I don't feel I can go on like this.
If you know anyone hiring, let me know? 🙂
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