#oneaday Day 86: Confidence is a Preference

I've been feeling… I don't know if "confident" is quite the right word for it, because confidence is not a super-familiar feeling to me, but I've certainly been feeling a bit "different" just recently.

I think probably the most clear example I've seen of this is that I quite happily sent two online trolls packing this week without particularly breaking a sweat. (It took just four letters to get rid of the one today, in fact, but perhaps that's a story for another day.) Normally this sort of situation would fill me with anxiety and leave me wondering if I'd done the "right" thing (even if I obviously had) but this week? No, I've been feeling… kind of feisty, if I'm honest.

I'm trying to pin down exactly what's caused this because it seems like something I might want to explore if I want to develop my confidence further. There are a couple of possible factors at play here.

Firstly is that I've been having some therapy recently. I've found myself questioning its value a bit as it unfolds exclusively online via text chat and I feel that there's something a little more "weighty" to a face-to-face interaction, but it's with qualified people from the local health service who know what they're talking about, and it's got me thinking about a few things in a few different ways.

Secondly is a simple change to what I've been doing with my work online; as you may well have noticed if you follow my video work, I've been actually appearing on video now rather than just being a disembodied voice. While I quite like the disembodied voice approach, my wife has been assuring me for a while that it would be a good idea to appear "on camera" so people can get a better idea of who is talking to them. I know there are certainly a few content creators out there whose work I enjoy at least partly because of their "facecam" (ProJared is a particularly good example, though a good part of his appeal also comes from "Miss Editor") so, after a bit of consideration about exactly how to do it, I decided to experiment a bit.

And to my surprise, I found myself actually enjoying it and being proud of what I'd created, rather than filled with a sense of revulsion at seeing myself on screen. I have things I can work on, certainly, but I actually feel quite at ease and "natural" both talking to the camera to introduce a video, and as a "facecam" during gameplay. And I think it's made my videos better as a result. And, in turn, thinking that has made me feel a bit better about myself, too.

Perhaps it's a bit of both of those things. Either way, this is a positive development, even if it is just a small one. Here's hoping I can continue to find productive and fun ways to work on my issues!