Regular readers will know that I'm going through a bit of a Rough Patch at the minute, to say the least. Tonight it's hitting me particularly hard, for various reasons that I shan't go into in detail. I wanted to talk a little more generally, as I find this often helps me sort things out in my mind a bit.
The thing that's making me feel particularly bleak right now is that it feels like there's no end in sight for this Rough Patch. I don't know how to resolve it; I don't know how to "fix" it. I feel like I've messed up — not once, not twice, but repeatedly, and I'm now reaping the anti-rewards that are the consequence of all the things I've done wrong in my life, all the poor choices I've made.
For sure, I know that I have made plenty of poor choices along the way, but many of them didn't seem like it at the time — and rationally speaking, I also know that I'm not the only one to blame for my current situation. The blame for that can be laid at the feet of a wide variety of people, including me, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with — particularly as many of the non-me people that I blame for this situation are essentially "untouchable" despite me wanting nothing more than to at the very least yell at them and, were I feeling particularly feisty that day, slug them one right in the face.
Mostly I'm just frustrated because I'm not sure I deserve this. I feel like I have plenty to offer the world, and no way of making it clear to everyone that I matter, that I have value. I have friends and family, sure — both local and far-away — and that knowledge, to an extent, takes care of part of my emotional well-being, but it doesn't pay the bills, and it doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction that I am, in any way, making the most of my existence. Were I to drop dead tomorrow, 1) would anyone notice? and 2) would I be remembered for anything particularly worthwhile? Again, rationally speaking, I know the answer to both of those questions is probably "yes" — and I'm not planning on dropping dead tomorrow — but it's difficult to remember that sometimes when you find yourself struggling to stay afloat.
I really don't know what to do any more. For every bit of progress I feel like I make, I suffer some sort of setback. I end up not going anywhere — and, in the worst case, going backwards. When I left university, I was a teacher earning over £25k a year. Later, I had my dream job of writing about games for slightly less than that. Now I'm looking at retail jobs with wages of a relative pittance in comparison, on the grounds that 1) I feel like I can do them and 2) that's all I feel like I can convince prospective employers I'm good for. (Not that there's anything wrong with retail, obviously; it just feels like all that education was a bit of a waste, is all.)
I'll figure something out. Bad things have happened to me before and I made it through. And on those past occasions, it felt like I was drowning in black tar, with no means of escape visible in any direction — and yet I still did. I have no reason to believe this time will be any different; it's just a matter of when I can see the shoreline at the edge of this inky sea. At the moment it's somewhere beyond the horizon.
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I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so overwhelmed these days. The world can be a bit of an uncaring place – and it's easy to let the weight of your past pile up on you en masse. I know enough from my own struggles with depression to know that ludicrous "buck up" speeches do more harm than good in these scenarios. Goodness knows your misgivings are valid, and being told to simply "think positive" by people who just don't get it really does little more than make you feel like perhaps your feelings aren't legitimate. Then you start feeling even worse about yourself. What I will say though is that you're not alone. Many of us struggle every day with the consequences of our prior poor choices (professionally, financially, socially, etc), and I think it's safe to say that MOST people aren't actually where they planned to be, despite what TV and the internet will tell you. That you're clever enough to recognize that you've made mistakes is what sets you apart from alot of people though. That's what allows you to make tomorrow into an opportunity instead of another exercise in futility. I guess what I'm saying is, we all work at a different pace, and internalize things in different ways. Feel what you're feeling, because it's natural. And when you're ready, you'll try new things and improve yourself on your own terms.
Hang in there Pete. This too shall pass. I know it's just a platitude, but those what care about you still care about you. No man who has social links is truly alone.