I didn't get to sleep until nearly 5am this morning due to a fairly bad anxiety attack. Here, in roughly chronological order, is a probably non-exhaustive list of things that this anxiety attack caused me to worry about.
- Whether I'll get a new job in time to make the next mortgage payment
- Whether I'll get a new job at all
- Whether it's possible to support myself financially through non-conventional means such as Patreon or its ilk
- Whether I'm a good person
- Whether our pet rat Clover is all right
- Whether or not I should be upset over the fact I was blocked without warning or discussion on Twitter by someone I had previously got on very well with on the grounds that I had said "ignorant nonsense"
- Whether or not I had really said "ignorant nonsense", or whether this person was an idiot
- Whether or not I had genuinely upset this person, regardless of whether or not they were an idiot
- Whether it mattered if I had genuinely upset this person if they were going to just cut all ties with me without even attempting to talk about whatever the issue was
- Whether I should have gone to sleep earlier
- Whether it's worth getting up in the morning
- Whether I should apply for jobs in the same field I've just been looking into, or whether I should be looking elsewhere
- Whether I should train in a new field
- How I could possibly afford to train in a new field
- What it would be like to work in a new field
- Whether I'd gained weight this week after having a Chinese takeaway and fish and chips rather than sticking to Slimming World (got weighed this evening — I hadn't, in fact I had lost a pound)
- Whether I'll get a new job at all (again)
- Wouldn't it be nice to win the lottery?
- What am I going to do when I come to the end of the period I'm leasing my car? Is it in good enough condition for me to just give it back? Can I just give it back?
- Whether I've made a lifetime's worth of irreversible mistakes
- Whether I can get my life back on track
- What it would be like to put a gun to your head
- Whether I would have the courage to pull the trigger
- Whether I want to pull the trigger
- Whether I was ever going to get to sleep
- Whether I was ever going to get to sleep ever again
- Why I can fall asleep in seconds in the morning, but not at night
- Whether I should feel bad for liking Jeremy Clarkson
- How much Lily Rank grinding I had left to do in Hyperdimension Neptunia U
- Whether the meandering course that my friendships and relationships have taken over the years is the "right" path
- Whether there is a right path for interpersonal relationships
- Why my friend who had once been attacked by a dogpile of politically-correct nutcases on Twitter now appeared to be one of those politically-correct nutcases
- Whether or not I should go back to Final Fantasy XIV
- Whether I'd know if someone broke into the house
- Whether someone who broke into the house would steal my massive TV, or just something small
- Whether someone who broke into the house would come into our room and kill us
Anxiety sucks, because everything seems like a massive deal. Some of the things I was worrying about are important, but some of them are not. Last night, everything felt terrifying and disturbing. Last night, everything stopped me from sleeping. I would rather that did not happen again tonight.
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The thing is to devise a way to tell your brain to shut the fuck up! If you lie really still – I mean don't move anything at all for about 7 minutes – well until you find that you've been sleeping for some time – seems to be one way to do it. Couple this with actively just thinking one word – like PEACE, or SLEEP, or FLYING, or FORNICATION 😀 if that appeals to you – over and over, continually but very slowly mentally repeating it, so it's in your own voice in your head (not out loud) unless your partner is unbelievably tolerant at that time of the night … er morning! That's a fair bit for your brain to deal with and keep control of, so you might find that you just sink down into sleep without knowing it – the best way. Mind you the dreams may be interesting 😀