1235: I Hate Clothes Shopping

As has previously been discussed on here once or twice, I am, to say the least, unhappy with my body. Specifically, I hate the fact that I am a fat bastard who cannot seem to keep the weight off, even when I make a concerted effort to exercise regularly and eat well. I hate the way I look.

More than that, though, I hate how shitty clothes make me feel. And the only thing I hate more than that is how shitty clothes shopping makes me feel.

I'm not huge. I must confess, to my shame, to sometimes seeing people who are larger than me and thinking "well, at least I'm not that big." I feel bad the moment I do it, but it also makes me feel slightly better. I can, at least, usually buy clothes that sort-of fit off the rack.

That "sort-of" bit is the frustrating part, though. I went out to go and get some new clothes earlier today, since I had a ruthless clearout of crap I don't wear or which doesn't fit recently, and I need to stock up on things like, you know, all types of clothes. What I discovered was that I appear to be somewhere between standard sizes, whereby one size is just slightly too small to be comfortable — particularly when it comes to shirts — and the next size up is much too big and baggy. It doesn't help that the more X's you add to the size of your clothes, the more revoltingly abnormal you feel.

I really do wish I could lose weight. A lot of weight. There are a lot of thing I would like to do if I lost weight that I simply can't right now either because I don't have the confidence to do so out of fear I'd look ridiculous, or because it's simply not possible for me to do so. It may sound trite and stupid, but, for example, I would love to cosplay. I absolutely love dressing up and pretending to be someone else, and combining that with expressing my appreciation for a favourite game or anime would be awesome. Yet as it stands, I'd just be the fat nerd who thinks he can pull off a [insert character name here]. No thank you.

I'm aware this is all very self-pitying and whatnot, and frankly I don't care right now. I know I need to lose weight, and I do intend to keep trying to do something about it; it's just immensely frustrating when all my efforts — and I've spent considerable effort over the years — appear to amount to nothing in the long term, and in the meantime, making those efforts often makes me miserable.

Oh well, at least other aspects of my life are going reasonably well at the moment. Guess you can't have everything, huh.

Sorry for the half-hearted post. I'm feeling meh and the rest of the Internet (including me, frankly) is far too angry at Microsoft to care what I have to say tonight anyway. Good night!