#oneaday Day 814: Myself, Myself and Myself

Watched The Apprentice tonight. Out of the interminable string of asinine reality shows that the idiot-box forces into our collective consciousness, Lord Sugar's ouevre is the one that offends me the least. It still offends me, of course, though not for the same reasons that, say, Britain's Got Talent does. No, Britain's Got Talent makes me feel stupid for watching it. (So I don't.) The Apprentice, meanwhile, finds me infuriated at the people depicted therein — the fact that the show itself typically shows them up to look like the bunch of chancers they are takes the edge off, however.

One of the worst things these people do is talk. No, seriously. Every time they open their mouths it's a veritable string of business cliches, one after another. One of the most prolific, egregious examples is the incorrect use of the word "myself". Everyone on that show seems to think that using the word "myself" instead of "me" or "I" makes them sound more "formal" or "polite".

"Who was responsible for this?" yells Lord Sugar.

"That was myself," pipes up someone with impossibly blue eyes.

"And who worked in the production side of things?"

"Myself was working in production, along with Randolph, Bellend and Fuckwhistle," comes the reply from the blonde one with the annoying attitude. (I can't remember their real names.)

You get the idea.

The same principle is also, it seems, applied to the word "yourself", which has apparently become an acceptable substitute for the word "you" somewhere along the line.

"I think the team working on this should be yourself, myself and Craptwat," says Fuckwhistle.

I can't work out where this faux-formality that makes people talk incorrectly (or, to be less prescriptive about it, "faux-formality that makes people complicate their speech unnecessarily") has come from. Perhaps it's a modern-day variant of the archaic "thou art/you are" distinction, which everyone uses incorrectly these days anyway. (And with good reason, obviously — it's archaic, duh.) Whatever it is, it needs to die, for the same reason that people who use words like "trendy" and "funky" just need to stop right now. Words like that are ones which lose all their meaning and become the opposite of what they're supposed to be as soon as they come out of someone's mouth. The same is also true for anyone who says Internet memes out loud or — God forbid — says "LOL" in earnestness.

But I digress.

Language is constantly changing and evolving, usually for the better. We have a veritable shit-ton more words than we used to (and plenty more, like "shit-ton", that you won't find in the OED) and the English language has never been more complex, more expressive and more descriptive than it is now. It doesn't need to be overcomplicated with misplaced formality. There are already pretty good systems in place for indicating that you're speaking formally — lose the contractions, cut the slang, actually bother to pronounce the letter "t" — so stop making up rules. And while we're on, grab a dictionary and look up what "literally" means. It's not an intensifier. It means something actually happened. Stop using it wrong or I will literally jam this pencil into an orifice of yours that it's not usually supposed to find itself in.

And yes, I mean literally.