#oneaday Day 821: Tomorrow is holiday

We're off on holiday tomorrow! It may seem extravagant to have two going-away holidays in the same year (to the exact same place, no less), but as I've mentioned previously, our prior attempt earlier in the year was spoiled somewhat by worrying over a certain idiotic orange cat who had decided to explore the Great Outdoors the week before we went away.

I am pleased to report that Oliver is, as I type this, safely inside our house, and has given no indication he is going to escape. (I know, I know, he gave no indication that he was going to escape last time, but he doesn't even seem interested in sneaking out of the front door when we put the bins out any more, even.) This means that, barring any sort of major disaster which occurs over the course of the next 24 hours, we will be able to go away on holiday without any sort of guilt or unease, and just enjoy ourselves. (Hopefully no major disasters will happen between tomorrow and the 14th of September, either.)

I'm really looking forward to some time away. I'm looking forward to spending some time in the pool, for a combination of just relaxing in the water and actually getting a bit of exercise by, y'know, swimming. I'm looking forward to our spa day. I'm looking forward to our inevitable trip to The Pancake House, and buying at least one Massive Cake from the ParcMarket.

Center Parcs, in its various forms, has become rather special to me over the years, even though I know there are almost certainly plenty of reasons one could criticise it. And it all, as with so many other things in my life, extends back to my childhood and adolescence.

I forget exactly what year we first went to Center Parcs, but I do remember the trip itself. My brother was still living at home, and he brought his friend Alex with him. One of the most enduring memories of the trip was Alex, who fancied himself a bit of a womaniser, causing two girls to fall off their bikes by delivering a thoroughly Leslie Phillips-style "Hell-O!" at them as they rode past. My other enduring memory of the trip is the fact that, at the time, Center Parcs used those weird Dutch toilets where you poo on a little platform rather than into a bowl of water. Most disconcerting.

On that first trip, I was still pretty young, as I can determine from my brother still living at home with us, and thus I was still pretty nervous about things like water slides. I do remember going on "the slow slide" at the pool, which is the longer of the two, and enjoying it, but also being too scared to go on either "the fast slide" or "the big white slide", the latter of which is just a big wet slope made out of the slipperiest material known to man. These slides are all still present at the Center Parcs pool complex to this day, along with the Wild Water Rapids, which I did not go on on this first trip.

Some years later, we went on another trip to Center Parcs, and I took my friend Edd with me. This was partly as payback (positive) for his family graciously taking me along with them on a trip to Gran Canaria, and we had a good time. My enduring memories that time around are of being old enough to enjoy the slides a bit more, and having a great time on the Wild Water Rapids. A particularly vivid memory is of getting halfway down the Rapids, only for Edd to pop up from under the water going "Hoo-haa-haa!" (which is what we thought the blue SS guards in Wolfenstein 3-D said, rather than "Schutzstaffel", which you probably shouldn't shout in public) and pretend to machine-gun me. Good times.

I also remember an awkward conversation over breakfast in which Edd attempted to convince my Dad that bloody violence in video games was fine because "you just stop noticing it after a while". That, it turns out, was not the most convincing argument, but did not result in me being disallowed from playing games like the aforementioned Wolfenstein 3-D and Doom, even though I had historically not been allowed to watch 15- or 18-rated movies.

There was another trip to Center Parcs at some point where I went with my friend Craig, and my one enduring memory of that particular trip was seeing Savage Garden and Ray of Light-era Madonna on the television, and us both realising that we actually quite liked both of them despite historically having been "indie rock" boys.

Andie and I have now been to Center Parcs ourselves a number of times, and it still feels like a proper example of "being a grown-up" to go on a holiday like this by ourselves. I mean, I know we technically are both "grown-ups", but as I was talking about with my therapist recently, I still find it immensely difficult to think of myself as such. This is not an altogether unusual position to hold, it seems; no-one in this world really knows what they are doing, it's just some people are better at hiding that fact than others.

Anyway, tomorrow we are off for yet another excursion into the forest. I will continue to blog while I am there, as usual, but I may be quiet on the socials while I am away. It is nice to have a bit of peace and quiet — and this time around, it will be nice for said peace and quiet to not be interrupted by intrusive thoughts worrying about whether or not we are ever going to see our beloved pet again.

Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

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2272: Mistakes Happen

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One thing I've learned about myself over the last few years is that I learn most effectively by making mistakes. Once I make a mistake once, I tend not to make it again.

This is quite an effective means of learning, which is why the expression "learn from your mistakes" is a thing, presumably, but in my case I think it comes from the very real fear of being wrong, of doing something wrong, of being judged incompetent at something — even something I know deep down that I'm perfectly competent at.

Impostor syndrome is a very real thing, and I know quite a few people who suffer from it — including myself. It's the constant and occasionally paralysing fear that you won't be able to do something, or that you've found your way into a situation that you don't "belong" in, and that you'll be "found out" by someone at some point, then punished in some way for being somewhere you don't "belong".

I've felt impostor syndrome a whole lot over the years. I felt it in teaching, even though I regularly got positive feedback on my lessons — feeling like I didn't "belong" wasn't helped by the fact that I'm simply not an assertive enough person to control a room full of 30 teenagers, of course. I felt it in games journalism, where I always felt like I was enormously lucky to have the positions I did have — again, even when I received positive feedback on the efficiency, accuracy and engaging…ness of my work. And I've felt it in the retail positions I've held, being hesitant to perform certain duties for fear of doing them "wrong" and fucking things up for other people.

I think that latter point is the most important part for my brain: it's not necessarily a fear of failure that gives me difficulty, but more a fear that I'll do something wrong that affects someone else in a negative way, and that they will, consequently, be upset, annoyed or angry at me as a result. In my experience, it's actually pretty rare for someone to get upset, annoyed or angry at me as the result of a mistake I've made — probably because most of the mistakes I've made over the years have actually been pretty minor and, for normal people, nothing to worry about whatsoever.

That's the thing, though; part of this whole sense of anxiety is feeling like any mistake is the worst thing ever, and that it will be a permanent stain on your record for all eternity. You'll always be "the guy who messed up that one time". You only have one chance to prove yourself, and if you blow it, your days are numbered.

I know that these things aren't true, of course, and becoming very much aware of the fact that I do clearly learn from making mistakes is making me feel a bit more positive about the whole thing. Most of the mistakes I make in my day-to-day life are as a result of not knowing something rather than any actual incompetence, and so it doesn't serve any particularly useful purpose to dwell on them or feel bad: if they're the result of not knowing something, then a good means of not making that mistake again (and, by extension, feeling bad about making a mistake) is to find out the thing I don't know and remember it. And because there's such a strong incentive at stake, I tend to really remember those things I learn in this way.

It may not be a particularly ideal way of doing things — in an ideal world, no-one would make any mistakes whatsoever and everything would be the very picture of perfection and efficiency — but it works for me. And besides, an ideal world sounds kinda boring, doesn't it? Because there can be a funny side to mistakes, too, and the other thing I'm starting to realise and accept is that it's all right to laugh at mistakes both you and others make — in fact, it's important to, because laughter can help defuse negative feelings and show that really, in the grand scheme of things, the mistake itself doesn't matter all that much to anyone involved.

Tomorrow I will probably make some more mistakes. Tomorrow I will probably learn some new things. By the end of tomorrow, perhaps I will be a slightly better person.

2271: Pledging for Positivity

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A short, somewhat belated entry today, as last night was… not good, to say the least.

I've been thinking. Partly following a discussion with my friend Chris after my post from the other day, and partly after watching this video from TotalBiscuit:

Negativity isn't getting anyone anywhere. Negativity is not effecting social change for those who believe in such things, and negativity is not going to change the mind of people who have their minds stubbornly made up about the things they believe.

As such, here and now, I'm going to make a pledge for positivity — and not for the first time — and try my very best to stick to it, for my own sanity if anything else.

I don't like getting angry and upset about things; it puts me in a bad mood and often ruins my day. It might make me feel good that I'm expressing my frustration at a situation, but ultimately all a good rage achieves is letting other people who already share my views know that they're not alone, while failing to change the mind of those who are stubbornly entrenched in their own ideology. And while the former aspect of that can be valuable, the latter is completely unhelpful.

So I'm going to stick to the positive things — at least, I'm going to try to. I'm going to celebrate the things I love, and do my best to explain why I love the things I love.

I've actually already made a bit of a start on this over on my other site MoeGamer, with two articles so far on Senran Kagura Estival Versus: one introducing the game, and a second exploring its historical context and game mechanics. Over the course of the rest of the month, I'm going to write about its narrative, characterisation and aesthetics, too, so watch out for those.

I need good things in my life right now. And that means consciously trying to avoid that which makes me miserable.

1494: Another Pledge for Positivity

Earlier today, my friend (and former copy editor) Keri posted this Pledge for Positivity. And it's something I applaud; there is too much negativity around right now, for a variety of reasons. Things being taken out of context and branded as offensive; groups of fans berating each other for the most ridiculous of reasons; those who enjoy niche interest entertainment branded with less than complimentary names; those who enjoy mainstream entertainment branded with less than complimentary names.

I'm not going to say "this has to stop" because that causes people with a stick up their arse to start bleating about "tone policing". Instead, I'm going to try and follow Keri's example and remain focused on the positive things in life: the things I enjoy, the things I feel passionately about, the things I want to share with people. Things I don't like? Fuck 'em; I've got better things to do with my time than waste on discussing things I have no interest in or attempting to have rational debates with people who have no interest whatsoever in being rational. Such is the way of the Internet.

As it happens, making such a pledge for positivity isn't all that far removed from what I generally try and do day in, day out on the Internet anyway. I steer well clear of whatever issue-du-jour people are angry about on Twitter today, and instead focus on talking with the people who share similar interests, but not necessarily identical tastes. Enjoyable discussions inevitably result; just the other day I had a lengthy discussion with someone who didn't like Final Fantasy XIII as much as I did, in which we remained rational, civil and articulate throughout. Neither of us changed the other's mind, but that's not what it was about — we both came away from the interaction feeling like we'd learned a little about the other's position. And that is a far more valuable result of communication than coming away understanding that, say, someone is angry but not really knowing what they want you to do about it.

As such, you can expect the things I talk about to continue much in the same mould as they have been previously — positively. On here, I'll continue to talk about things I am enjoying and having fun with, or things that I am excited about. In my professional capacity, I tend to concentrate on things that are interesting or noteworthy rather than deliberately controversial — the most controversial thing I wrote recently was a positive piece noting that Final Fantasy XIII perhaps wasn't all that bad and people should maybe give it another chance (note: NOT "anyone who doesn't like Final Fantasy XIII is a douchebag who should probably be killed" or something similar) — and I'd much rather write something praising the interesting things that have been done well than tearing something a new arsehole for one reason or another.

Of course, the latter part sometimes comes with the territory — some stuff is genuinely simply unmitigated crap, though it's significantly less likely to come across something with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever today than it once way — but even then I tend to try and look for the positive where I can. Take my review of Time and Eternity, a game that was reviled by most of the games press, but which I had a good time with despite its flaws. Rather than focusing on its flawed aspects, I chose instead to concentrate on what I did like about it, and as a result produced a review that I'm still pretty pleased with today.

Why am I talking about this? Well, aside from Keri's post, I was also pointed in the direction of this excellent article about the upcoming Senran Kagura Burst for 3DS — a game branded "damaging to the industry" by people who haven't played it. The Tiny Cartridge post was something I found particularly admirable and all too rare in the modern business — it was someone returning to an issue and proving willing to educate themselves, and being pleasantly surprised in the process. In this case, it was taking another look at Senran Kagura Burst and discovering that no, it's not just about boobs and fanservice; it's actually about some well-defined characters with realistic, human flaws — something which I've argued in the past in relation to similarly misunderstood games, too — titles such as Ar Tonelico that people are all too willing to dismiss for nothing more than their art style.

Looking for the positive is a much more pleasant way to approach life. I can't imagine how utterly miserable the lives of these people who seem to spend all their time being angry must be. In some cases, they may well have valid reasons for their ire, and that's fine; others are angry for the sake of bandwagon-jumping. Both groups would benefit from a step back and some time alone with the things or people they genuinely do love. Works for me. Chill the fuck out and enjoy yourself for a change.

#oneaday Day 969: Hate Speech

The Wii U is too much money for last-gen technology. The iPhone 5 doesn't offer anything new. Kamiya-san should just die if he doesn't bring Bayonetta 2 to Xbox 360 and PS3. Terraria coming to consoles is a slap in the face for PC owners.

These are all genuine opinions I have heard voiced in the last few days by people of varying degrees of intelligence and coherence. Every time I hear something along these lines, it just makes me a bit sad. In general, despite regularly ranting and raving about all and sundry on these very pages, I try to remain as positive a person as I can when it comes to technology, games and the like. I find new things interesting and exciting rather than something to be cynically derided; I also take the firm belief that if something doesn't appeal to you, that's fine, but there might be other people for whom it does hold an appeal and you have no right whatsoever to piss on their bonfire.

There are obvious exceptions to the rule above — if something is a shitty experience for everyone, then yes, it should be derided. But none of the things I mentioned above are shitty experiences, and certainly don't deserve the negative responses they have received from some quarters. In some cases we don't even know enough about the experience in order to declare it shitty or not.

The Wii U in particular is an interesting case. The console isn't even out yet and people are already quick to predict its failure for various reasons; quick to criticise features that may change, or that no-one has seen as yet. It's almost as if people want it to fail after the astronomical success that the Wii enjoyed early in its lifespan. Bewildering.

The iPhone 5 has a similar problem. Nothing Apple could have announced would have made everyone happy. And sure, Apple have a real arrogance problem, getting people whipped up into a frenzy over cable connectors. But the fact is, the iPhone is still a fucking amazing piece of technology that we take for granted every day. There are plenty of people out there who haven't got one yet. Wouldn't it be nice if they could have the best possible version of this awesome gizmo if they do decide to take the plunge? Well hey, look at that, they can.

And then there's the anger about Bayonetta 2 being a Wii U exclusive. (Yes, someone actually did tweet a death threat at Kamiya-san earlier.) Bayonetta was an awesome game that not enough people played. Meanwhile, absolutely fucking everyone bitched about the Wii not having enough third-party support. So a prominent (if underappreciated) third party pledges support to its successor and everyone complains. (Well, apart from open-minded Bayonetta fans, most of whom seem to be more than happy to consider purchasing a Wii U purely to punch more angels in the face. Actual tweet from someone who is not me: "So Bayonetta 2 is going to cost me around £300. Let's face it, for the sequel to the best action game ever made it's probably worth it." I concur.)

Finally, there's the Terraria issue. This is perhaps some of the most obnoxious behaviour I've ever seen from the gamer community. Take a look. Essentially, the "problem" was that the Terraria developer, who abandoned work on the (already feature-complete) game in February of this year to spend some time with his new child (what a bastard!), had been teasing "something big" to the Terraria community. Said "big thing" turned out to be an impending console release of Terraria for Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network (pleasecometoVitapleasecometoVitapleasecometoVita) — great news, right? A much bigger audience gets to play an awesome and underappreciated game!

NO! say the PC players of Terraria. YOU BETRAYED US WITH YOUR BASTARDISH DESIRE TO MAKE MONEY AND NOT GIVE US MORE FREE STUFF. What the f—

I… blargh. Seriously. Shut the fuck up and just enjoy life more. And get off my lawn while you're at it.

#oneaday, Day 291: Final Lap

As the year starts to draw to a close—seriously, how the fuck did it get to be November already?—lots of "projects" or long-term goals are starting to eventually come together and come to fruition. Unfortunately, none of said long-term goals will result in financial gain for myself (unless you want to sponsor any of them, which you're very welcome to do) but they will result in a sense of long-term satisfaction.

This blog thing, for example. It's become part of my daily routine now. I love writing something every day. And it's interesting to look back at how the year (a pretty shitty one, by all accounts) has gone, how it's changed and, more to the point, how it's changed me. I'm a different person to the one I was five months ago. I'm a different person again to the one I was eleven months ago. I'd like to think that these changes are mostly for the better, and there are a few people out there who can probably back me up on this one. That's not a request for ego-massaging comments, incidentally, though those are, as ever, welcome.

And then there's the running thing, too. Tonight I completed Week 6 of the 9-week Couch To 5K programme. Tonight's run was 25 minutes of non-stop running, bookended by 5-minute walks for warm-up and cool-down purposes. And it was… I hesitate to say "easy", but certainly well within my abilities. I feel like my speed is increasing, too, though my average speed readout from RunKeeper (awesome app, by the way, and free for iOS and Android) seems fairly constant at just under 4mph. Not very fast, I know, but considering that nearly seven weeks ago I was struggling to run for a minute at a time, I think it's pretty clear that I've made awesome progress. And I feel good about that and have absolutely no problem publicly displaying a bit of pride about it. So there.

I have blown the right headphone earbud on my iPhone though. Guess the thumping bass and drums of the Split/Second soundtrack finally proved too much for them. That or Apple make shitty headphones. Given that exactly the same also happened to the right earbud of the headphones on my old 20GB iPod, I'm inclined to think it's the latter. Fuck you, Apple, and your shitty headphones. But not too much. I like the iPhone just fine, thanks.

So here are the "deadlines", for want of a better word: By the 25th of November, I should be running for 30 minutes at a time comfortably, and presumably able to run the titular 5K in that time. And by the 19th of January 2011, I'll have completed a year of continuous non-stop blogging. Will I have a decent job by then? Given that I have an exciting and mysterious job interview next Thursday, I might.

Will I be in a position to say "yes, this is where I want my life to be" by then? Possibly not. But things are definitely on that upwards slope. Time passes. Things happen. And when you look back, it's difficult to imagine being where you are now, then. If that makes sense.

I know what I mean, even if you don't.

#oneaday, Day 166: Affirmations

In the interests of positivity, I've decided to compile a list of my best qualities. Please feel free to contribute to this list through the medium of dance. Or comments.

I'm a good person. I don't like to see other people suffer. I don't like to cause suffering. Even if the person who is suffering is someone I don't particularly like.
I have a strong sense of justice. If something goes badly for someone else, I'll always do my damndest to help them out in any way I can.
I'm a good listener. I may not be great with the giving of advice, but I'm someone who always has time to listen to a friend.
I'm creative. You know that, otherwise you wouldn't be here.
I'm musical. Piano. Clarinet. Saxophone. A short foray into ensemble singing. Now you know, if you didn't already.
I'm a great writer. I can adapt my style to the situation. I can write incredibly quickly. And I don't make stupid mistakes. Except occasional typos.
I have used a semicolon correctly at least ten times in the last week. See previous point.
I'm a survivor. I have been through a shower of shit over the last 18 months. And I'm not dead. I don't know how this happened. But it has. I'm not out of the woods yet, but going on past experience, eventually I'll make it out of the other side.
I'm honest. I'm one of the most honest people I know. If I'm talking to someone I trust, they can rely on the fact that I'll always tell them the truth.
I'm understanding. Got a problem of some sort? I'm not about to judge you for it. And if I can help you deal with it, I will.
I'm funny. Sometimes. More so when writing than in person. Nothing worse than telling a joke in person and no-one laughing.
I appreciate and value my friends. Even if I don't see them that often.
I have superhuman strength. I can punch a car clean across the street.
I have an eye for the "picturesque". I can spot a good photograph quickly.
I'm a fast learner. I get double XP when learning something new. Particularly if it's computer-related.
I'm a nerd. And everyone knows nerds are the best, nicest people.
I'm passionate. If I believe in something, I'll battle for that belief.
I have a wild imagination. I can picture situations easily. Both realistic and fantastic.
I can communicate with rodents. They tell me where to find hidden treasure. Unfortunately, they're not very good at finding decent treasure that isn't cheese or socks.
I like to try new things. I won't resist doing something just because it's something I've never done before or I'm not familiar with. Unless there's raw onion in it.
I can see both sides to things. Particularly when it comes to things like fanboy arguments.
I'm tolerant. I don't judge anyone based on their age, gender, race, sexuality, religion, anything. Everyone is their own person and deserves to be treated as such.
I'm committed. If I say I'll commit to something, I won't ever give up. Ever.

That'll do for now. I'm not sure if "able to remain coherent at 3AM" should be on that list or not.

It's easy to forget the good things about yourself sometimes when you're in a situation that makes you think the very worst of yourself. So I'll try to remember and add to this list in those times when it all gets a bit too much to handle.

I'd also like to add for any prospective employers reading that all of the above qualities make me an eminently attractive addition to your company. Assuming your company isn't lame.