So the BAFTA Video Games Awards happened. Last night, in fact. And while the nominations were fairly predictable, there was a relatively pleasing spread of different titles that actually won. In fact, I did a lovely writeup over at GamePro that you should probably go read.
But enough of that. Those awards are all very conventional. So I thought I'd come up with some of my own. Without further ado, I present the Alternative Video Game BAFTAs.
Most Opportunities To Go To The Toilet In A Video Game
Winner: Heavy Rain, where despite the fact there is no logical reason for you to make your characters go to the toilet, you find yourself doing so anyway.
Honourable mention: The Sims 3, which only didn't win because it didn't come out in 2010, unless you count the console version, which I don't, except when putting it in as an Honourable Mention.
Game No-One Had Heard Of When I Played But Now Most People Have Heard Of
Winner: Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale, one of the most charming games I played last year, promptly got very excited about and some months later everyone else seemed to discover.
Game That Has Been On My Shelf The Longest, Unopened
Winner: Resident Evil 4 on PlayStation 2, which I'm not sure counts any more because I started playing it last night.
Former Winner: Final Fantasy XII.
The "MMO That Isn't Boring" Award
Winner: DC Universe Online, which I am aware came out in January of this year, not last year, but these are my awards, so my rules.
Game Most Likely To Make You Feel Uncomfortable If Someone Walks In On You Playing It
Winner: Deathsmiles, for reasons that are well-documented.
Runner-Up: Recettear: An Item Shop's Tale. "That looks shit and cheesy and their voices are really annoying and my God that music!" "No, but it's really funny! Seriously!" "Shut up. I'm going to go and play Starcraft."
Honourable Mention: Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, the most summery game in the Universe. I know it didn't come out last year, but I still play it in the summertime because it's like being on holiday with improbably-proportioned women who like jetskiing. I have an Achievement and everything.
Sadomasochism Award
Winner: Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, a game which enjoys kicking you in the balls so much that it's enough to put most people off within a matter of minutes. I, on the other hand, have sunk over 20 hours into it and have just started playing it again.
The "I Love You But You Make Me Angry" Award
Winner: Mass Effect 2, for being a magnificent game that I finished before all the DLC came out and considered going back to just to play the extra stuff but then decided to wait for the "definitive" PS3 version, which then has some extra DLC announced for it, too. STOP IT. STOP MAKING THAT GAME. YOU FINISHED IT. MAKE THE SEQUEL. AND DON'T FUCK IT UP OR RUSH IT OR POST REVIEWS FOR IT ON METACRITIC.
The Game I Keep Forgetting Exists But Is Actually Really Good
Winner: Frozen Synapse, a wonderfully inventive take on the competitive shooter that is turn-based and play-by-email. And awesome.
The Game I Got Best At While I Was Really Totally Off My Face On Expensive Cider
Winner: Joe Danger, a game which my friend Sam and I started playing early in the evening, got drunk and accidentally played for over 3 hours. Highlight of the night was when I discovered how to get massive scores while Sam was in the toilet, meaning that when he came back my average score was roughly 1,000 times more than when he left.
Best Game
Winner: Deadly Premonition. No further explanation required.
Best Video Game Podcast
Winner: The Squadron of Shame SquadCast. Of course.
The Alternative BAFTA Fellowship
Winner: @SpaceDrakeCF from Carpe Fulgur for the magnificent localisation job on Recettear. We're talking a translation of Phoenix Wright quality here. Not only that, but he was consistently entertaining to follow during GDC and provided some excellent "liveblogs" of the sessions he attended.
Piracy is a crime. Most people are aware of this by now, but it still goes on. And as much as I'm not a fan of piracy per se, it's becoming increasingly understandable why people resort to less-than-legal means to get hold of digital content. Sometimes it's because said content isn't available where they live without paying exorbitant amounts of money to import things. Sometimes it's to get a different version of some content they enjoy. And sometimes it's because the legal versions of the content don't work in the first place.
It was late, and dark, and cold. The air was thick with desire, and there was only one thing on his mind as he quietly descended the stairs in pursuit of the one thing he wanted. His bare feet made no noise as he descended the stairs towards the home of his heart's desire.
The tail-lights of the cars in front of you brighten as they apply the brakes. Your collective speed drops. There seem to be an awful lot more cars around than there were a moment ago, and a few trucks, too. Your heart sinks.
I haven't bought anything "new" for some time now, be it a book, CD, DVD, Blu-Ray or game. (Actually, that's a lie, I picked up Deathsmiles recently but only because if I didn't grab a copy now I doubt I'd ever see it on store shelves ever again, but that's beside the point. I probably shouldn't have started on this aside as it is taking away from my original point somewhat. Forget I said anything and let's start again.)
[The comics for the next few days are a little disjointed as I'm going away for the weekend. Fans of Rogue, if there are any, will be pleased to see he has his own utterly pointless mini-series.]
PAX East is happening tomorrow, and I'm not there. This makes me inordinately sad for a number of reasons. Firstly, PAX East last year was the last time I could legitimately say that I was 100% completely, totally and utterly happy. For those few days, I had left all my growing troubles behind in the UK and was able to immerse myself in the culture that I loved so much. I was able to be an unabashed nerd and surround myself with thousands of other people like myself.
It's coming up on a year since my departure from the obnoxiously-named "world of work", when I left my employment at a primary school, went to PAX East and had what was to this day the happiest week of my life, then came home only for my life to completely fall to pieces two short months later.
Games are a fairly unique medium in that they allow pretty much anyone easy access to material from other cultures without the language barrier necessarily getting in the way. A book in a language you don't understand, for example, is pretty much useless. A film can be appreciated for its direction and cinematography if not understood. Music can be enjoyed on a certain level. But a foreign game, assuming its not too story-heavy, can be enjoyed by anyone.
Cute, right? Bit of a stockings and thighs and boobs theme going on. We've seen self-consciously sexy Western female characters before, so surely nothing new there. How about if I tell you how old they're all supposed to be?
Yeah. Pervert.