Tag: humour

#oneaday, Day 190: The Highway Code Errata

It has come to our attention that there are a number of sections of The Highway Code which state rules incorrectly. This document is designed to correct these mistakes.

Rules for Pedestrians

  • ITEM 1 – "Footways or footpaths (including any path along the side of a road) should be used if provided." should read "Footways or footpaths are optional for use when intoxicated."
  • ITEM 4 – "Young children should not be out alone on the footway, footpath or road." should have "unless you can't be bothered to look after them yourself" added.
  • ITEM 13 – "Routes shared with cyclists". This rule is obsolete. Pedestrians may go wherever they want regardless of anyone else.

Rules for Cyclists

  • ITEM 69 – "You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals" should read "You MUST NOT obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals".
  • ITEM 71 – "You MUST NOT cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red" should read "You MUST cross the stop line when the traffic lights are red, particularly if there are pedestrians on a crossing."

Rules for Motorcyclists

  • ITEM 88 – "You should be aware of what is behind and to the sides before manoeuvring" should read "Manoeuvring may be done at any time regardless of your surroundings. THINK BIKE, is what everyone else should be thinking."

Rules for Drivers and Motorcyclists

  • ITEM 91 – "the most effective ways to counter sleepiness are to drink, for example, two cups of caffeinated coffee and to take a short nap (up to 15 minutes)" should be in bold, red print.
  • ITEM 97 – "[Before setting off you should ensure that] you have switched off your mobile phone" should read "your mobile phone is within moderately-easy reach and is not attached to a hands-free kit, particularly if driving a car of German origin."
  • ADDENDUM – "Drivers of cars of German origin have a special function, normally occupied by the hazard warning lights. Simply activate these lights to be legally permitted to park anywhere you like, however inconvenient it may be to other users and whether or not it is otherwise legal to do so."

Traffic Signs

  • "No Overtaking" should read "No Overtaking unless you think you can take them".
  • "Maximum speed" should read "Minimum speed"
  • "No entry for vehicular traffic" should read "No entry for vehicular traffic, except you, because you're special."
  • "One-way traffic" should read "One-way traffic recommended, but optional".
  • "No waiting" and "No stopping" should both have "unless you are driving a Mercedes, BMW or Audi and put on your hazard lights" added.
  • "Loose chippings" should read "Wheelspin zone".
  • "STOP" should read "GO".
  • "GO" should read "STOP".
  • "No vehicles carrying explosives" should read "WTF are you, a terrorist?"
  • "No U-turns" should read "U-turns permitted for German cars only".
  • "Steep hill downwards" should read "Step on it!"
  • "Steep hill upwards" should read "Step on it!"
  • "Cattle", "Wild animals" and "Wild horses or ponies" should all read "OMG AMINALS".
  • "Queues likely" should read "Queues guaranteed".
  • "Humps for 1 mile" should read "Innuendo ahead".
  • "Hump bridge" should read "Dogging hotspot ahead".
  • "Risk of ice" should read "You work it out".

Thank you for your understanding. An updated edition of the Code will be printed and released shortly.

#oneaday, Day 185: Help Wanted

I've discussed this matter at great length before but goddammit it's my blog and I'll say whatever the hell I want to, assuming my Silent Hill-inspired dream/daydream/fiction/symbolism yesterday didn't terrify you to your very core. So shut it!

Wait, you didn't say anything. There was really no need to be rude and defensive. I'm sorry! Come back! Please?

Thanks. And I didn't like the other people anyway. They think they're all that. And a bag of chips. Whatever that means.

Right. I was going to say something, wasn't I? Yes. Here it is.

I present to you a selection of what you'd get if job adverts were actually honest, based on some past experiences.

Drink Receptacle and Emesis Technician

Are you a talented, motivated self-starter? Well stop right there! This isn't the job for you. You'll be working in a busy environment that's full of people who don't want to give you the time of day unless you're bringing them something they asked for. Yet your role will be considered essential to the smooth running of the establishment thanks to the fact that without glasses, no-one will be able to drink until they puke.

Key competencies for the role must include the ability to pick up a glass without dropping it, the ability to stack glasses without dropping them and the ability to operate an almost totally-automatic dishwasher. Must also not be averse to the idea of cleaning up sick with a mop.

Food Frying Specialist

Do you like food? Do you have ambitions of becoming a top chef in a fancy London restaurant? Well, everyone has to start somewhere! In this lively, exciting position you'll be paired up with an actual chef who thinks you are complete scum and is more than happy to tell you so on a regular basis. You'll be in charge of making starters for a busy pub. But don't be afraid; pretty much every starter is created by deep-frying things! That's right! Your love of boiling things in oil can finally be put to a practical use for the good of society. Doesn't it feel great to know that?

The ideal candidate for this position will know that when things turn black they've been in for too long, will be able to produce a prawn cocktail using the very cheapest and worst possible ingredients and will also be aware that mixing tomato ketchup and mayonnaise is an adequate substitute when all the seafood sauce has run out. Must also not be averse to occasionally having their hat filled with apple sauce, gravy and/or jam.

Important Document Consultant

Do you know where the "Print" function in Microsoft Word is? Perhaps you even know what the shortcut key is! You'll be in charge of receiving emails from other members of this busy office who are too lazy to print things for themselves. Your task will be justified under the name of "top copying", which still means "print", don't worry. And don't worry about proofreading; these people are professionals! Any mistakes they made are entirely intentional and are probably the fault of the audio typists anyway. Those bastards.

The perfect person for this position must have an exceedingly high boredom threshold and must not carry any sharp objects with which they might be able to slit their own wrists. They must also have a sense of self-esteem so low that they don't mind doing something which clearly the person who wrote the document in the first place would be able to do. They must also not be easily susceptible to papercuts, eyestrain, backache, flatulence, dysentry, gangrene or AIDS.

Classroom Shouting Representative

Do you like children? You won't once you're finished with us! Have you long been frustrated that too much knowledge is imparted in classrooms? Then come and show us how it's really done! We'll put you into a classroom full of 9-year olds who act like they're stroppy teenagers! We won't tell you anything about the colourful backgrounds that their families have! We'll let you get threatened by parents who believe that their way, not the way of polite society, is the way to go! Polite society is boring, anyway!

Key competencies for this role include low self-esteem, a low threshold for irritation, a loud shouting voice and the desire to not actually pass any knowledge on at all! Even if there are maybe one or two kids who obviously want to learn something! No. Working in a classroom is about bad behaviour!