2430: I Made This

It's been a surprisingly productive day, both in terms of "things I wanted to do" and "things I had to do". I got the bit of work I had to do done, and even had time to write a hefty piece on One Way Heroics' mechanics over on MoeGamer and make a short video about Atari classic River Raid.

Here's said video, if you're curious.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about making this video, as its production involved the discovery of a really fine piece of free software: Hitfilm 4 Express.

Hitfilm 4 Express is a fully-featured non-linear video editor in the Final Cut mould, with a particular emphasis on compositing. It allows you to import media in a variety of formats — both still images and video sequences — and edit them together using an extremely professional-looking (and rather daunting!) collection of tools. Once your masterwork is complete, you can then export it to all the usual formats as well as upload it completely seamlessly to YouTube with minimal fuss.

I'm particularly enamoured with the YouTube connectivity as my past experience with making movies using my PC has been with Windows Movie Maker, which by default exports in a horrible format that YouTube then has to spend several hours converting and optimising after you upload it. This video, meanwhile, was ready to watch mere minutes after uploading, suggesting that Hitfilm 4 Express was smart enough to encode it in the appropriate format for YouTube automatically without me having to do anything else. It even kept it in 1080p/60fps format, which is arguably a bit wasteful for a video about an Atari 2600 and 8-Bit game, but eh; YouTube viewers are picky bastards and whinge if you don't upload in the highest quality possible even if it is of practically no benefit to the source material whatsoever.

Anyway. I've barely scratched the surface of what Hitfilm 4 Express offers so far, but I'm in love. It's a full, professional-grade package for free that can be further expanded by purchasing effects modules that plug into it — which is where they make their money. It's free software that isn't riddled with toolbars for your browser, pop-up adverts and nag screens — it's simply an excellent package that did exactly what I wanted it to with minimal fuss, albeit a little bit of reading the manual.

On that note, probably time for bed. (If you're wondering about the posting time, Andie is working nights at the moment which means both our sleep patterns are pretty screwed. I'm taking advantage of the quiet time to Get Things Done.)

2368: Building a World... Again

Playing with RPG Maker MV as I am at the moment, I'm reminded of quite how much I enjoy building worlds. I don't have the skill or technical knowledge to be able to do so using 3D modelling tools (or even level editors for 3D games) but I've always felt I can put together some interesting 2D maps for RPGs.

There are two main approaches you can take when building a world for a game. You can take the "realistic" approach and attempt to build it to something approaching a believable scale, or you can take the "gamey" approach and try to build something that works well in the context of a game.

In actual fact, I tend to find that the best approach is somewhere between the two. A certain degree of game design is necessary when building a world in order to prevent it feeling like an unfocused mess — many modern open-world games fail miserably at this — while at the same time if your world design is completely divorced from reality your players will constantly be aware that they are playing a game rather than immersing themselves in your fictional world.

This isn't always a bad thing, of course. Some people very much prefer exploring something that has been crafted to be fun, interesting to explore and well-paced. Others, meanwhile, like to wander off the path at every opportunity and see what's in that cave, over that hill, behind that locked door. And some of the most satisfying gaming experiences I've had have come in environments very obviously designed to defy all real-world logic (not to mention architectural principles and, well, physics) — Metroidvania-style titles particularly spring to mind in this regard.

Since the game I'm playing around with at the moment is a kind of grand experiment of sorts, I'm going to play around with a variety of different approaches. The concept of the game sees the party travelling to several different "worlds", so each of them are going to be structured differently. One of them will be a condensed fantasy RPG-style world, with the distinction between "overworld" and "dungeons". Another will be one big dungeon — probably a haunted mansion or something along those lines. Besides those, I'd like to do something interesting with a sci-fi/cyberpunk feel, and either something completely abstract or very much grounded in reality. Or perhaps both.

Unlike past projects, where I've sort of "winged it" as I've gone along, this time around I'm actually taking a bit of time to plan things out to a certain degree. I imagine there will still be an element of winging it as I play around and think of new things I'd like to do, but at the very least I intend to plan out the basic structure and/or map of each of these "worlds" and how the player will interact with them. Then it will be interesting to see how much of a challenge it is to implement each of them using the RPG Maker MV toolset.

So far, the game's introduction has a single, linear "dungeon" to introduce the player to the basic concepts. After that, I intend to allow them to choose how they progress through the initial phases of the game — though I also intend to put in some systems to ensure some jumping back and forth between the different worlds and their corresponding styles is in order. Should keep things interesting. We'll see, I guess.

1159: WAY More Than Seven Days

Back on Day 793, you may recall that I mentioned I was working on a game and that I was quite enthusiastic about it. Well, it stalled somewhat for various reasons — work, general lethargy, moving house, jury service, many other reasons that aren't really excuses — but this week I've started working on it again, and it's a good feeling.

To be honest, doing what I'm doing was partly spurred on by this painfully accurate article from The Onion. I figured that I'm in a relatively good position right now — financially secure, working in a job which is reasonably challenging at times but which leaves me with plenty of free time — so instead of sleeping until 10-11am (usually unintentionally) I should make use of some of that extra time. As such, I've been getting up a bit earlier and, well, making use of some of that extra time.

In the previous post I linked to, I talked about how much I enjoy the world-building aspect of creating a game. Today, I've been rediscovering the joy of populating those locales that I've created with people. Specifically, the stuff I've been working on over the last couple of days has been the first appearance of the story's main characters, so it's been an absolute pleasure to see these characters I've had in my head (and a Google document) finally appear on screen and act the way I've told them to.

I'm going to do that annoying developer thing and not talk in specifics about the project because I'd like some aspects of it to remain a surprise, but I will say a few things about what I've achieved so far.

Thus far I've got a controllable protagonist and an interactive introduction sequence that introduces her, the setting and the context of the story. I've got some sequences where the player is able to make choices and subtly change some of the things that occur next. I've laid a few "hooks" for future interactions between the protagonist and other characters, and I've put together the story up until the point where the protagonist meets up with the other main characters. And, as I type this, I've composed the initial conversations between the protagonist and the other characters — including, again, a few events that change a little bit according to choices that have been made.

I'm deliberately keeping things relatively unambitious with this project, as I would very much like to actually finish it at some point. It's a concept that I really like and would very much like to carry through to completion, so I'm keen to try and devote some time to it. One thing that was stopping me was a lack of certain art assets that I needed to progress, but now I've found those (or at least got some solid placeholders put in) I have, as far as I can make out, everything I need to pick up this project and run with it, motivation and free time permitting. Aside from the art assets I was lacking, most of the other stuff I'm using is either RPG Maker's built-in content or publicly-available/royalty-free stuff. The somewhat "generic" nature of using built-in and publicly-available assets is entirely deliberate — if and when it's finished you'll hopefully see why I chose to go that route. It wasn't just laziness and/or a desire to get up and running without having to worry about creating custom content — though being able to work with pre-made character sprites and the like certainly makes working on this a bit easier.

I'll leave it at that for now, and if I make any significant progress that I'm happy to share in the near future, I may drop in a few screenshots here and there. Suffice to say that for the moment, I'm happy with the way things are going and hopefully I'll have something more to share soon.

#oneaday Day 612: Good Night

I love the night. Some may argue that this is proof that I'm a vampire (though a sparkly one rather than a "catch fire in sunlight" one, given my ability to go outside in the daytime) but I simply explain it away as being a time when you can truly enjoy the world in a way that it's easy to forget about — peacefully.

Going outside at night-time is a pleasant experience (assuming you remembered your keys) because it somehow feels "forbidden". It's not, of course — though naturally anyone who happened to be looking out of their window at the time might be wondering exactly why you're wandering around aimlessly in the dead of night if you're not Up To No Good –but to some extent, lingering feelings of childhood enter your mind, reminding you that you're "supposed" to be in bed, but instead, you're out in the darkness and cool air of the night.

It's a good time to think, too. Whether this is because your brain has had enough of daytime thoughts (such as what you're going to cook for dinner, whether you've paid the council tax and wondering whether you left the oven on) and just wants to indulge in flights of fancy is an unknown. But the night-time is the time to think about things, to be creative and to let your imagination run wild.

This doesn't always work to your advantage, of course. Having something weighing heavily on your mind and then allowing your brain to get into that curiously imaginative late-night state will often get you into a relentless cycle of negative thoughts, at times even preventing you from sleeping. But what you need to remember in this situation is that if your brain is feeling imaginative enough to think about what might happen if you don't send that Really Important Letter tomorrow, then it can imagine something stronger, too.

When I was younger, I used to try and influence my dreams by lying in bed with my eyes closed, imagining the opening for some sort of narrative in which I was the star. It would inevitably end up being some sort of heroic fantasy (not necessarily of the "swords and orcs" variety) in which I fantasised about a particular person and how I would interact with them if I had the opportunity to rescue them from the depths of an underground tunnel network/a spaceship/a civilisation that lived inside a tree/a world made of strawberry mousse. I'm not sure if imagining these narratives ever successfully influenced my dreams — everyone reading this is likely aware that their unconscious mind is capable of coming up with far more bizarre material than your waking mind can — but it was always fun to try. I'm not sure at what age it became more difficult to do that, but it's certainly a lot more challenging to maintain concentration on a specific fantasy now when trying to get to sleep. Perhaps this isn't necessarily a side-effect of age, but more other factors such as mental state, a greater number of additional considerations over and above what you had when you were a child, or simply that your concentration span is shot for whatever reason.

Despite good intentions, I somehow always end up writing these posts in the dead of night — sometimes later than others. The vast majority of any creative writing I've done over the years, too, has often been composed during the midnight hours. And for a while last year when everything was going tits-up, I found friendship on the other side of the world in the dead of night. (The latter ended up fucking up my body clock beyond all recognition for a considerable period of time, however, so more practical solutions have had to be found.)

This rambling load of old nonsense may have had a point somewhere along the way, but it's escaping me somewhat right now. I'll just say it's the fact that "the night is awesome" and leave it at that — before bidding you, of course, a very good night.

#oneaday Day 100: What a Novelty

[Side note: Day 100! Yay. This marks my 448th day of blogging every day. I've been half-tempted to start numbering the posts from when I originally started again, but then that will just get confusing. Perhaps I'll put the total number at the end of each post or something. I don't have an eventual goal number in mind—I fully intend to keep doing this until I can't do it any more, for whatever reason. But given that I continued writing through the disastrous events of last year, it'll take something pretty severe to stop me being here every day. Now, on to your regularly scheduled blog post.]

I can't program. Actually, that's a lie; I wrote a very good Treasure Hunt game in ATARI BASIC once. It used Graphics Mode 2, a custom character set, featured a randomly-generated playfield and custom sound effects. Okay, it perhaps wasn't "very good" but it was at least a completed project. Since then, though, my programming knowledge has tailed off somewhat. It's when everyone stopped using line numbers that it got confusing. I know ditching line numbers was actually a good thing in that you could more easily insert code where it needed to go rather than having to resort to increasingly-convoluted GOSUB/RETURN subroutines, but as soon as all these punctuation rules started to come in? Hmmm.

Perhaps it's just that I haven't spent enough time trying to learn one language. I spent a bit of time doing JavaScript and managed to get some fancy DHTML working, but have since forgotten it. I did some Java once, though it didn't do much. I worked my way through the first two chapters of a C# (pronounced "C-sharp", for anyone who had been wondering about it for as long as I had before I eventually found out) book and thought I was doing pretty well until I got to the first "independent project" type chapter and completely failed to produce the program required.

This is why I enjoy tools that allow you to express your creativity without having to know how to write a complete program. Sure, if you need to do something exciting, you can (and probably will) delve into scripting, but for the most part, the built-in tools are enough to get something up and running.

Over the years, I've used many different tools like this. By far my most beloved (and now outdated) is Klik & Play from Clickteam, which later became Games Factory and Multimedia Fusion. These required absolutely no programming knowledge whatsoever and simply a logical mind to figure out a series of "When this happens, make this happen" statements. Winner. And surprisingly flexible.

I'm also a big fan of the RPG Maker series, especially the later ones that do include a scripting language that allows people far cleverer than me to completely replace the game's battle system with something cool.

Most recently, I've come across Novelty, which is a tool for making Japanese-style visual novels. This is a completely free application—though still in beta—and is one of the most polished pieces of free software I've ever seen. It's incredibly flexible and allows for everything from barely-interactive "click to continue" visual novels that don't require any player decisions, to more in-depth Phoenix Wright-style affairs with buttons, hotspots, branching story paths and all sorts. There's not only a scripting language, but also an impressive markup language for creating graphical assets. There's no need to delve into these if you don't want to, of course, but for "power users" they'll be a boon I'm sure.

My only trouble with tools like these is that I have trouble getting started on something. I get some grand plan in my mind and either end up getting daunted by all the preparatory work which will need to be done (gathering/creating assets, planning and whatnot) or find myself starting, getting too ambitious and bumping into an insurmountable roadblock.

Still, it's nice to know these tools are out there for creative types. I have idle plans to experiment with making some sort of visual novel, but whether or not that will ever happen is anyone's guess.

void blog(string bollocks)
{
     Object@ myBlog = GetObject("Blog");
     if (myBlog !is null)
     {
            myBlog.SetText(bollocks);
     }
}

See? No problem at all.

blog("Cock! Piss! Partridge!")

Day 448

#oneaday, Day 345: Leader of Men

I've never seen myself as the "leader" type. I follow orders well, but when I'm asked to take charge of something, I find myself thinking whether or not I'm "qualified" to make those decisions, particularly if they're on behalf of other people. Now, I'm a qualified teacher, so in the most literal sense of the term I am qualified to make decisions on behalf of other people. But if you're the sort of person who suffers a bit from self-doubt or a lack of self-confidence, then it's difficult to make yourself get into a position to "lead" others.

Which is why I've kind of surprised myself with stepping up to the plate for next year's One A Day Project. And also why I'm even more surprised that people—some of whom I don't even know directly (yet)—appear to be flocking to the cause. Apparently either my word carries some degree of influence, or people think it's actually a good idea.

I think it's a good idea. Yes, some may argue that the more relaxed rules of next year aren't strictly "one a day" in the most literal sense. And to that I say, "I agree". But it's a compromise. Those who do want to go the whole hog and commit to a post every day, I applaud you. (And yes, I am applauding myself right now.) Those who don't feel they can commit to a post every single day, that's absolutely fine too. Personally, while I am a fan of writing something every day and believe that both I and this blog have got something out of it, it's not for everyone, depending on work, family commitments and all manner of other things. So it makes sense to relax the rules a bit in order to allow as many people as possible to participate.

And that, I guess, is what heading up some sort of project is all about—listening to a variety of viewpoints, weighing up the pros and cons and coming to some sort of compromise that makes as many people as possible happy.

I'm really pleased with the amount of interest people have shown in the new project so far, and I promise I won't keep banging on about it over here too much. But I thought I'd just share the fact that we're up to 24 participants (with a few more sign-ups in my inbox that I'll be putting on the site once I've flown back from the US to the UK… boo) and we have had our first monetary donation to Cancer Research. We've also earned 153 minutes of crisis and suicide prevention services on behalf of To Write Love On Her Arms via ad clickthroughs.

It may not sound like a lot until you consider the fact that we haven't started yet. (Those of us who are starting on January 1st, that is.) Hopefully once everyone starts contributing, there'll be a wealth of content for people to enjoy, and said people will be happy to contribute their time or their money to the charities we're supporting to show their appreciation.

So yes; I know that "#oneaday" doesn't mean one a day next year. But that's fine; it's going to bring a bunch of people together to do something awesome. And it feels pretty good to be an important part of that.

#oneaday, Day 336: Being For The Benefit Of Mr. @shoinan (And Any Other Prospective #oneaday-ers)

The few of us who are still flying the #oneaday flag are closing in on the grand finale. 365 posts of non-stop bollocks, some of which might have been entertaining, some of which may have been utter nonsense. If you haven't checked out the fellow survivors' blogs yet, I encourage you to pay Jen, Mat, Mike, Krystian, Ian and other Ian a visit and support the awesome work (and endurance) they've shown over the last year. Give 'em a big hand, or whatever the Internet equivalent of applause is.

Now: to the point. I have tagged @shoinan in this post because he was specifically asking about it on Twitter at some indeterminate point in time that I'm confused about due to intercontinental time zone drift and watching Scott Pilgrim until 1:30 in the morning, then getting up at 7am to record a podcast. But this post is directed at anyone who wants to be Awesome Like Us.

#oneaday is something I intend to keep going with once my year is up. The others may feel differently. For some it feels more like work, for others it's a good habit that they've got into. Some are persisting out of sheer bloody-mindedness, some are passionate about the whole thing and want to succeed in it as a creative endeavour. In fact, most of us have fallen into some or all of the above categories at different times. And those who dropped the project partway through the year all did so for completely valid reasons, too.

It's a challenge, make no mistake, but it's one you largely set the rules for yourself. The only rule that everyone needs to abide by is this:

Post something—anything—at least once a day for a whole year.

Exactly what "something" means to you can be anything at all. It can be a photo-based post (I've done a few of those in the past). You can set yourself a minimum of at least a paragraph. Personally, I try to write at least 500 words a day, and in the last *mumble* days I've also been doing my comic daily, too. (All right, I couldn't be bothered to check. But I know it's over a hundred days now.)

But there's no hard and fast rules about how much you need to write, how good it needs to be or even what it needs to be about. The whole point of the exercise is to get you (yes, YOU) writing. Writing anything. Posting anything. Getting into the habit of being creative regularly. Creativity is something you need to exercise, just like your muscles. Spend your time not being creative and you'll stagnate, but it doesn't take long to get back on track. And there's no better way to exercise the creative bits of your mind than coming up with something—anything—every single day.

The other side effect that you might find is that it's a good outlet. I've had a shit year, by all accounts, and I know that one thing that has really helped me deal with said shit is writing about it, getting my thoughts out of my head (where they'd fester and eventually explode) onto the page. Saying things and knowing people are reading them—even if the things I've written aren't specifically aimed at anyone (or are, in some cases)—helps. It's a form of therapy.

I'm not saying you need to have something going on in your head to enjoy success at #oneaday blogging. But it certainly gives you something to write about, and I believe it's a healthy thing to do, too.

So for those of you interested in participating next year, I'm fully intending on continuing to take part and helping to co-ordinate everyone's efforts, too. Keep an eye on these pages for further details, and in the meantime feel free to get started whenever you like. If you do, be sure to let me know that you're on the case and I'll be sure to throw up some links.

Not in a vomity way. That would be weird. You know what I meant.

Anyway. Now it is time for pancakes. I hope those of you reading this who have a creative itch that is proving difficult to scratch will certainly consider joining me on another year of #oneaday blogging next year. Good luck to those of you who are in for the ride.

#oneaday, Day 256: Writer's Block

I'm actually surprised I've managed to go for 256 days without running out of things to write. Whenever I consider pitching an article idea to somebody, you know, "proper", it concerns me greatly that my brain will just zone out and forget how to be creative. But if this blog has proven one thing, it's that it's possible to come up with something that is at least readable every day.

Different people take very different approaches to writing. I remember back in school and at university, being encouraged to write detailed plans for any piece of writing. Including while under exam conditions. Being someone who never had trouble sitting down with a pen and piece of paper (or indeed in front of a computer) and letting the words flow naturally, it always struck me as something of a waste of time. For me, anyway. When I write, I tend to let my brain run several steps ahead of what my hands are writing. Thus, I find myself developing organic, natural arguments in the same way I would if I was talking to someone face-to-face. Perhaps more well-considered, since face-to-face conversations don't have the opportunity to go back and delete something stupid that you just said. Like the sentence I just deleted that you'll now never get to read. Hah. It might have been about you. How does that make you feel?

No, I can honestly say that I have never sat down and actually written down a plan of what I'm about to write. Thinking about it, though, I do go through the process. I make a plan in my head. I just don't commit it to paper, Word document or draft post. I've certainly never used Outline Mode in a word processor, which made it rather hard to explain the benefits of said mode when attempting to sell copies of iWork '09 to customers.

Once I've written the whole thing, depending on the "importance" of what I'm writing (i.e. whether it's a strictly personal thing, something I want to impress people with or something that I'm doing professionally) I'll go back and read over what I've written again. Sometimes I'll come to the conclusion that I was talking complete nonsense and delete huge chunks of work that will never be seen again. Such as that other paragraph all about your sister that I just deleted. (It wasn't really relevant to the matter at hand.) Other times I'll rearrange paragraphs and make them flow more naturally. And sometimes, just sometimes, I'll start all over again in the electronic equivalent of screwing up the piece of paper and flinging it in the bin. (Cmd-W, Cmd-N… yes, I'm a Mac user, deal with it.)

Eventually, I'll end up with something like this that, as I say, is at least readable if not necessarily the most interesting thing in the world. And then I do the same again tomorrow. And again the day after. And the following day. And… You get the idea.

I've done this process so often now that I use it on everything, from blog posts like this to feature-length articles on websites to comments on Facebook (seriously). It's pretty rare you'll catch me responding to something with nothing but a simple "lol" (actually, never on that one) or a smiley.

And that, everyone, is how you keep the creative juices flowing. Like anything, practice makes perfect, and the more consistently you do it, the more naturally it'll happen.

#oneaday, Day 220: Five Things I Learned From Gaming

Gamers spend a considerable proportion of their lives justifying their hobby. This is not the way Things Should Be, of course. No form of media or entertainment or hobby should force its enthusiasts to become apologists. But such is the way of things.

Gaming, to some, still has a reputation of being an adolescent male-dominated thing. And sure, there are plenty of male adolescents out there playing things. But the whole thing is so broad and diverse now that absolutely anyone can get involved on one level or another. And by getting involved with gaming, there are some valuable life lessons that can be learned. And I'm not talking about the old faithful, "hand-eye co-ordination".

Patience is a virtue

If there is one thing I think that gaming has taught me above all else, it's the fine art of patience. Specifically, I'm of the opinion that RPGs in particular have taught me this.

RPGs are all about delayed gratification. There's always that next step to strive for, be it gaining another level, saving enough money to buy the Super Death Blade (only to discover it's not as good as your current sword) or beating a difficult boss.

It's not just that though. Games like Phoenix Wright with lengthy conversational sequences are reminders that it doesn't have to be action, action, action all the time. Granted, this kind of thing doesn't appeal to everyone, and there are people out there who skip every cutscene (and annoy the hell out of me, because I like cutscenes, unless I'm seeing it for the forty-seventh time) but it's a Valid Lifestyle Choice for many gamers.

Whatever you may think of crap like FarmVille too, it's obvious that in most cases, these people are displaying patience, too. Unless they're the sort of person who actually spends money on playing those games, in which case they deserve to be fleeced out of every cent they pay to the Shinra Corporation… sorry, Zynga.

Perseverance is also a virtue

Commitment to completing a task is often one of the most difficult aspects of motivating oneself. It's easy to get halfway through a project, feel like you're not achieving anything and give up. Through the awesome experiences I've had through many games, I've learned that a difficult journey often leads to an amazing destination. Take Persona. Both Persona 3 and 4 are 90+ hours long. That's a significant time investment. But the conclusions of both stories were so great that I was happy I'd spent that time playing.

Practice makes perfect

Both the epic Geometry Wars 2 battle the Squadron of Shame had upon this game's first release, and the drunken Joe Danger night my friend Sam and I had a short while back are great examples of this. If at first you don't succeed at something, try it again. And again. And again. And again. And… (repeat until you're top of the leaderboards by a comfortable margin)

RPGs are again symbolic of this. The longer the characters play and do the same things, the better they get at them. Sure, in most cases levelling up doesn't actually mean the player's skills have necessarily got any better. But the characters have. Sad old nerds like myself can pretend that they're levelling up when they get better at doing something.

Where am I?

I have an excellent sense of direction. I attribute this to two things: firstly, getting drunk a lot at university, finding myself at friends' unfamiliar houses, and somehow always managing to get home without being killed or bumraped. And secondly, playing a lot of Wolfenstein 3D and Doom when I was younger. Wolfenstein didn't have a map at all, and Doom's automap wasn't particularly clear. As such, players quickly learn to find their way around by following visual cues and working out where their eventual target is.

To this day, whenever I visit a new city, I actually quite like to get lost for a while to get a feel for where everything is. Also, shoot Nazis.

Creative solutions

This sort of thing is particularly apparent amongst gamers of a certain age who grew up with adventure game logic. How else would I have figured out that I could fix a Sega Saturn controller using nothing but a screwdriver, a piece of toilet roll and a bottle of cheap vodka? Or that the appropriate way in which to remove the ludicrously-difficult-to-remove cover on the light in my bathroom was to use a stepladder and a teaspoon?

There's an argument that watching The A-Team or MacGuyver could produce similar results. But I attribute my particular possession of this quality to adventure gaming.

So there you have it. Gaming is awesome.

I realise that by posting this I'm somewhat guilty of being one of the gaming apologists I mentioned at the beginning. But whaddayagunnado?

#oneaday, Day 207: Up 'n' Down

I think I might be bipolar.

Granted, my only justification for that is a cursory glance at Wikipedia and the observation that yesterday I was a depressive mess barely able to function, while today I've been not exactly what I'd call "enthusiastic", but have at least got some things done and felt relatively "normal".

There are, of course, extenuating circumstances to the way I'm feeling so it may not be a chronic condition after all, and naturally I wouldn't want to publicly declare myself a manic-depressive without consulting an actually-qualified professional. Rather than, you know, a website where you can look up the details of a Frijj milkshake immediately after consulting it for psychiatric symptoms. (Consulting the site. Not the milkshake.)

The mind's a funny thing. I often wonder if my mind and imagination work the same way as those of other people. I have a very visual imagination. I can picture things very clearly. I can imagine situations actually happening and unfolding. I can empathise with people because I can picture myself in their situation. And if there's something I'm anxious or nervous about, I generally make it worse for myself by "replaying" the potential situation in my head before it's even happened, and when it might not even happen at all.

This kind of mind is great for creativity, of course. It's great for writing, too. When I want to write a cool description of something, all I have to do is imagine the thing in question being right there in front of me. In my mind, I can look at it from all angles, pick it up, touch it, smell it, taste it or punch it in the face. Where appropriate, of course. And then I just have to summon up the words to describe those sensations. It's an interesting skill to have, and it's one thing about myself that I wouldn't want to change for anything, as inconvenient as it can be at times.

Inconvenient? Yes. As I said, this kind of imagination sometimes leads to anticipating things before they happen. I'm not talking having "visions" or premonitions or anything. I'm talking picturing what "might" happen, and "planning" the event in my head. Inevitably, things never quite go the way I expect them to. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes this is a bad thing. It goes to show the pointlessness of the whole exercise. But still I do it.

Sometimes I do it in reverse. I picture a situation that has already happened and I "plan" what might happen should I suddenly and magically get the ability to reverse time and do something again. Or indeed, to load a quicksave. (I swear, being able to "quicksave" would be the best superpower ever.) This is an even more pointless exercise. There's no way I can change the fact that, when unexpectedly confronted with Don Woods, father of the adventure game, I didn't really know what to say and ended up babbling like a schoolgirl confronted with Justin Bieber. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. At least it would be if you could do anything about it.

Oh well.