Tag: corporate bullshit

#oneaday Day 367: Acknowledge, Align, Assure

Customer service is something that you would think we'd have nailed at this point. So why is it that everyone dreads having to contact an organisation's support department? It is, of course, because we emphatically have not nailed it.

I'd like to tell you the saga of my Ikea chair. One of the legs broke on it a few weeks back, so I've been attempting to get it replaced under its guarantee — something which shouldn't be a problem. So I contacted the support department through their chat facility — there's no means of emailing them, and I do not like talking to people on the phone — and, after several minutes of attempting to make the stupid AI chatbot understand what it was I was enquiring about, I was transferred to someone that was supposedly a human being.

I explained to the person that the chair leg had broken, and that the problem was with the point where the leg attached to the chair's base. As such, I needed the base of the chair replacing rather than the leg itself.

It was at this point that I first ran into a phenomenon that I'm sure you've all encountered at some point in the recent past: the Acknowledge, Align, Assure approach to customer service. I first became aware of this when I worked at the Apple Store between 2007 and 2009, and it still appears to very much be standard practice when dealing with any large corporation today.

Here's how it works. You explain your complaint. The person you complain to then repeats your complaint back to you verbatim, which is them Acknowledging there is a problem. They then say something along the lines of "I'm sorry" or "I understand that this might be frustrating", which is them Aligning with your viewpoint, attempting to demonstrate that they empathise with your plight. They then tell you what they are going to do, and Assure you that everything is going to be all right.

This happened by the book in my first contact with Ikea's support agency. The person on the other end of the chat said that they were sorry my chair leg had broken, and that the problem was with the point where the leg attached to the chair's base, and that I needed the base of the chair replacing rather than the leg itself. They explained that they understood how frustrating this must be, and then told me that a replacement would be with me within 14 working days.

Just to ensure that I wasn't about to be sent nothing but a chair leg in the post within 14 working days, I reiterated very carefully and clearly that the problem was with the chair's base, and that that was the part which needed replacing. I was told "don't worry" and that everything would be resolved within 14 working days.

At some point within the next 14 working days, I received a small package through the post from the Netherlands. Inside the package was a single chair leg.

Of course, I immediately contacted support again, and told them the situation. I was once again told how sorry the chat operator was that I had been sent a leg and not the whole chair base that I had asked for, and that they appreciated how frustrating this may be. I was told once again "don't worry" — those exact words — and assured that the base of the chair would be with me within 14 days, that it would be coming via DHL and that I would get a phone call the morning it would be arriving.

Another 14 working days passed. I received no further packages from the Netherlands, no phone call from DHL, and indeed no indication whatsoever that anything had been done at all. So today I got back on the chat and asked to know what on Earth was going on.

After telling me how sorry that they were that the chair on my leg was broken, and that I needed the base of my chair replacing, and that I had been sent nothing but an individual replacement leg of the chair and no indication that a new chair base was, in fact, on the way to me, and explaining how they understood how frustrating this was, they were about to assure me that everything was okay before I stopped them.

"Just please replace the entire chair if that's easier," I said.

They are coming on Wednesday to pick up the old chair and provide me with a new one. At least, that's what's supposed to be happening, anyway. We shall see whether or not that actually happens.

The thing with Acknowledge, Align, Assure is that it's one of those things that looks and sounds perfectly fine in theory and when you're training people, but in the real world it comes across as insincere and patronising. Surely, you'd think, who wouldn't want to feel like the person manning the support channels wasn't on your side? Having them say they understand how frustrating things are humanises them, surely, and thus that makes them more likely to be believed when they offer assurances that everything is, in fact, going to be all right when it emphatically is not.

I understand why it happens. It's because of corporate policy and procedure, and it is primarily there to protect both the company and the individual support agent. In theory, it prevents the support agent promising things the company will not be able to fulfil, and it ensures the support agent themselves is not held responsible as an individual if something goes wrong amid the process.

But it's completely and utterly dehumanising for everyone involved. There's a reason why people still like going to little, local mom-and-pop shops, and that's because that's where you get real customer service; that's where you get people being genuine, where you feel like they really want to help you and ensure that you walk away happy. Because while a single unhappy customer is a drop in the ocean for a huge corporation, for a small, local company it could be the difference between life and death.

Ikea, Apple and any number of other huge corporate entities obsessed with policy and procedure aren't going to change their ways any time soon, and I don't have any particularly comforting words about that. I guess the ideal answer is that we all make a commitment to shopping with small, local businesses rather than multinational corporations — but I think we all know that simply isn't possible for a lot of us, for one reason or another. It sucks, but it is the world we've inadvertently created for ourselves, so now we have to live with it.

I'm sorry that it sucks and that it's the world we've inadvertently created for ourselves, so now we have to live with it. This must be very frustrating. But please don't worry.

Because nothing is going to get any better, ever. Happy Monday!

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#oneaday, Day 129: Projects Procurement Specialist Wanted

Have you tried to get a job recently? It's a massive, huge pain in the arse, and nothing to do with crowbars this time. The reason for it being such a pain in the arse is the sheer amount of bullshit that flies around with job advertisements, as I believe I alluded to in passing yesterday.

The worst bullshit is when you read through a job advertisement and, by the end of it, have no idea what you would actually be doing if you were successful in your application. What on Earth is a "Manager of Quality and Services"? Or a "Projects Procurement Specialist"? Or that old favourite, "Consultant"? Consultant on what? What are you consulted on? "Nothing, I'm just a consultant".

Then there's the job description itself. From the aforementioned "Projects Procurement Specialist" ad:

To provide the engineering department with tactical/strategic procurement support, including supplier identification and selection to meet the Engineering projects cost schedule, quality and delivery requirements.

To act as the liaison between the engineering and purchasing department whilst identifying opportunities to protect the business and to increase gross margins.

To raise and process relevant documentation for supplier selection criteria both technical and commercial and draft and negotiate contracts and purchase orders.

To contribute to continual improvement of processes and relationships at key suppliers and those internal processes affecting supply chain performance.

Now, granted, I am not a Projects Procurement Specialist. I'm not even a Projects Procurement Trainee. But I did do an English degree and can write a bit. And I have no idea what any of those sentences mean. Let's see if we can break them down a bit, shall we?

To provide the engineering department (Okay! Easy so far. I can do this.) with tactical/strategic (Oh, so it's a military job?) procurement support (Procurement of what?) including supplier identification (So… looking people up in the phone book who can send you things?) and selection (…and putting a circle around them) to meet the Engineering projects cost schedule (Cost is an amount of money. It doesn't keep a schedule.), quality (How does cost have a quality?) and delivery requirements (I imagine they want it put in a box and sent to them. Us. Wait, who's getting what delivered now?)

Whew. So some military person is required to get hold of some unspecified products that the Engineering department need, having worked out who can send them to them and for how much? SO WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT? Let's continue.

To act as the liaison between the engineering and purchasing department (Wait… I thought I was the one "procuring" things?) whilst identifying opportunities to protect the business (Well, you could replace the lock on that door for a start… and you should probably put an alarm on the fridge.) and to increase gross margins (Have you seen those margins recently? They're disgusting, but I think we can do worse. Smear some shit over them or something.)

Okay. I'm getting lost now. Let's carry on…

To raise and process relevant documentation ("Raise and process"? Do you mean "type"? Or "print"? Or perhaps "type then print"?) for supplier selection criteria (Relevant documentation for supplier selection criteria… um… like a checklist or something?) both technical and commercial and draft and negotiate contracts and purchase orders (There are so many "ands" in that sentence I can't even begin to fathom what it actually means. Something to do with contracts and purchase orders. Still no word of what any of these things are actually for.)

I don't think attempting to analyse this is actually making it any clearer to me. In for a penny, in for a pound.

To contribute to continual improvement of processes and relationships at key suppliers (What? You mean "get to know someone"? Or perhaps "set up an account with someone who sends us stuff"?) and those internal processes affecting supply chain performance (Reading this is giving my internal processes a funny bubbly feeling. I think I might need to go and sit on the toilet for a little while. Excuse me.)

So, having come to the end of those statements, I am still completely in the dark as to what a Projects Procurement Specialist actually does. Evidently their specialism is so specialist that anyone who has never procured a project will have absolutely no idea what they are supposed to be doing.

And herein lies my problem. When I look for a job, I tend to try and look for something that I know I can do. But when you're confronted with page after page of bullshit like the above that makes absolutely no sense, it's difficult to work out exactly what jobs you can do. Or indeed would want to do. Being a Projects Procurement Specialist sounds inordinately tedious to me, so I guess I won't be joining that particular team.

But what can I do? If I don't understand half of the job advertisements out there – and it's not through stupidity, I might add, it's through their extremely poor use of language – how can I be expected to find something I'll be good at? I feel trapped in a cycle of doing crappy supply teaching right now, because for all the bullshit there is in education, at least I understand what the words "classroom teacher" mean. They haven't quite taken to calling them "learning facilitators" yet, though I imagine it's only a matter of time.