#oneaday Day 503: One Audi

I have been doing my best to have a bit of self-discipline and play the piano more. I like playing the piano. I have always liked playing the piano, but I don't make nearly enough time to do so these days, and that absolutely needs to change.

I'm not planning on becoming a big famous concert pianist or anything, but it is nice to be able to just sit down at the piano, play something and it sound at least moderately tolerable. Preferably good.

Part of the issue I've had is because I have lacked that discipline for a frankly unhealthy number of years at this point, I haven't lost my skills as such, but I lack a lot of the confidence in my abilities that I perhaps once had when I was at my arguable peak of ability, around the age of 18-20 or so. I can still play quite a few of the pieces that I played back then, but there are also some pieces I once played that are far too terrifying to even contemplate trying again until I get myself back up to what I would imprecisely describe as "scratch".

As part of rebuilding confidence, it's always nice and helpful to have some pieces that are pretty much "pick up and play". Although sight-reading always used to be one of the most terrifying parts of music exams, I've always been very good at it, and all the more so if a piece of music is, and I don't wish to sound overly arrogant here, pitched a little lower than the peak of my actual abilities. After all, that is what the sight-reading section of music exams assessed: your ability to pick up and play a piece that was pitched a few "grades" below the exam you were taking.

One album of music that I've been enjoying playing recently is one that my mother bought for me a good few years back, but which I haven't spent a lot of time exploring. And that is Ludovico Einaudi's The Piano Collection, Volume 1. Interestingly enough, there does not appear to be a Volume 2 (I have looked this evening) but there are quite a few other Einaudi books out there, one of which I've ordered, along with a book by a Korean pianist named Yiruma who appears to be in a similar vein.

Einaudi's music is… uncomplicated, minimalist, often predictable, even repetitive. As acclaimed a pianist as he is, the complexity of his compositions is a far cry from the Bachs and Beethovens of the world. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. He composes pieces of music that just sound nice, and which have plenty of scope for expression and interpretation. I must confess I've never actually listened to him actually playing the pieces in the book — although in some respects, that might also be a good thing, as it means I can put my own interpretation on them, play them how I feel they should be played, which is as important a part of performance as anything. (That said, I have put one of his albums on in the background while I type this.)

One thing I do find quite interesting about Einaudi is that he uses a lot of compositional techniques that I used when I had to compose pieces for GCSE and A-level music. As such, I guess I feel a sort of vaguely "personal" connection to several of his pieces, because they feel quite like something that I could have written at some point. That's an oddly… comforting feeling, I guess I'd describe it as? To have a tenuous sort of creative connection with an Italian pianist-composer that I know pretty much nothing about. It's… nice.

So yeah. I have been playing a fair bit of these Einaudi tracks of late, and enjoying them enough to grab another book of his stuff to explore. So hopefully doing this a bit more often will help me rebuild my confidence and perhaps tackle some more ambitious pieces in the medium- to long-term.

And now, having written this, I probably better go play a bit, hadn't I?

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#oneaday, Day 265: Skill Points

Take a minute, now, to take stock of yourself. Specifically, take stock of the skills you have. And don't say that you don't have any. Everybody has skills of some description, whether it's the ability to make the perfect Angel Delight without the use of a measuring jug, the ability to excite women simply by looking at them, an understanding of the various wires, pipes and bendy things that make up a car engine or being able to do something awesome like play the piano.

It's quite a strange experience to suddenly be conscious of your own skills. But there are times when it happens. It often doesn't happen when you're young or lacking in self-confidence. But at some point in your life, something flips a switch in your head and says, "Hey. You're awesome. It's okay to think that." Not in an arrogant way, simply in the sense that you can picture a task in front of you—be it making said Angel Delight, exciting said women or… you get the idea—and feel confident that yes, you probably are going to be able to pull that off.

You know you're at that stage when you casually mention something you're doing to friends and they're all "Oh wow! That's so awesome!" and you're all like "Yeah, whatever." and then they're all "No, SRSLY, that's AWESOME!" and you're like "Really?" and they're all "Yeah!" and you get all proud of yourself and then a bit guilty that you're feeling pride because it's one of the Seven Deadly Sins after all and you don't want to end up in a field shouting "WHAT'S IN THE FUCKIN' BOX?!" and finding spoilers in the spoiler. (Yes, I know the Statute of Limitations was up on Se7en years ago.)

But it's actually a pretty cool feeling. Particularly when you realise that rather than being someone quite a way down the "pecking order" of "talent", whatever your skill might be, you're actually pretty high up, and that people know that, realise that and respect you for it.

My skills that I'm most proud of? (Hi, Satan.) Music and writing. I'm sure there are ways I could improve both. I know for a fact I'm not as good a musician as many of my peers and friends, for example. But I'm satisfied with the skills I've got, I'm an awesome accompanist and my sight-reading skills are the stuff of legend. Amongst musicians. Who tell legends about sight-reading.

And my writing: if you're reading this, take a look at the number at the top. 265 days. That's how much I love my writing. 265 days of wanking on about bollocks, at least 500 words at a time. Some of it is bullshit. Some of it is profound. Some of it is non-descript. But I like all of it. I see some trusted friends, peers and colleagues being so very hard on themselves and their writing sometimes. And it actually makes me glad for once; while there are many things I would like to change and/or improve about myself, my writing is the one thing that I generally find myself feeling happy and satisfied with and, dare I say it, proud of.

So take a moment the next time you have a free second. Put down that celebrity gossip rag, that chocolate eclair or that tube of personal lubricant. Think about yourself. Think about what you're good at. And take a moment to give yourself a pat on the back. Well done. You do a great job on that thing you're really good at.

#oneaday, Day 202: Someone You're Not

Ever wondered what it'd be like to be someone you're not? To be able to seamlessly switch yourself from being "you" to being a different persona, depending on the situation?

I've been reading The Game by Neil Strauss. For the uninitiated, it's an incredibly detailed exposé of the world of pickup artists. There are those out there who live by the tenets of this group. And others who believe that Strauss' story is so much bullshit. But I find the very concept of it interesting, not least for the fact it's something I don't think I could do.

The pickup artists (or PUAs, as they call themselves) go into a situation armed with a variety of "openers", manipulate the conversations using a combination of "negs" (deliberately negative comments), hypnosis, neurolinguistic programming and all manner of other techniques. And, if Strauss is to be believed, many of them enjoy not inconsiderable degrees of success—regardless of the sort of person they "really" are, and regardless of their physical attractiveness.

When I go out, I'm me. I can't be anyone else. I can't imagine sidling up to a group of complete strangers at a bar, opening with something like "well, this looks like where the party's at" and then surreptitiously attempting to manipulate the group and an individual in that group into doing my bidding. I find the concept of it pretty fascinating, though; particularly as I know at least one person who is adept at "playing the game".

Sometimes I wonder if social situations might be easier if I was able to project a different persona. Those of you who know me know my personality pretty well. But I often feel when I go out into a situation where I'm surrounded by unfamiliar people, or where I'm worried I might make a tit of myself, that I withdraw somewhat. I'll talk to people if they talk to me, but I often find myself sitting there thinking just that; "I'll just wait here and if someone wants to talk to me, I'll let them, but I'm not going to chase down anyone."

This is social anxiety at work. In some ways, I think that it's part of me and I'm glad I'm not being a player, hitting on every girl who comes into the bar. But in other ways, I sometimes wish that I could just open up a little bit more and strike up a conversation with a stranger. And by that I mean be the one to initiate the conversation, not wait for someone to come and talk to me or be introduced to me.

I wish that there was an easy way to practice this. But unfortunately, the only way to practice it is to do it. And in nearly thirty years of time on this planet, I still haven't really got the hang of it.

#oneaday, Day 105: Under the Hammer - One (1) Self

I've discovered at great, great cost over the years that one should really value oneself more. Because if you don't value yourself, then it's going to be very difficult for other people to do the same, too.

Take me. I don't value myself, even though I know that others do. Because I don't value myself, I don't value my own opinions. I don't think my own opinions are worth listening to. When I post my opinions online in the form of this blog, that's fine. I can put my ideas out there and if people like them, great. If people want to talk about them, great. If people don't like them, that's fine too. If I don't want to deal with a violent disagreement with something I've put (not that I think that's ever happened) I can just hide. I can delete the comment. I can keep out of trouble, in short.

When dealing with people face-to-face, though, it's a different matter. If someone's standing right in front of you and you say something objectionable, there's no hiding. There's no deleting their response. You just have to deal with it. Now, there have only been a couple of times in my life where I've said something and I didn't like what the other person said in response. In all those cases, I know I was the one in the right, but it didn't make it any easier to hear negativity coming from the other party. And that's what makes me afraid to say things sometimes. I start to think that the other person won't want to listen to what I've got to say, that it's not valid somehow, that it's not worth saying. And then I start to think about all the possible responses the other person might come out with. And I assume they're going to come out with the worst possible response. And not wanting to deal with that worst possible response makes me not want to say anything in the first place. It's a vicious cycle that's difficult to break.

Having such a low opinion of yourself is, as you can probably imagine, semi-to-very crippling when it comes to dealing with society at large. Take our Neanderthal friend from the other day, for example. Although I know he's a complete dick for insulting a random stranger, his words cut deep because I was already thinking pretty poorly of myself, and to discover that other people whom I don't know have immediately judged me on the same criteria is just horrible. I was so upset by his remarks that I cut a walk into town short and came straight home.

"Man up," you may say. "Grow a pair." But it's not that simple. It's not about being confident or "masculine" or anything like that. It's about believing in yourself to such a degree that stupid insults can just bounce off you and that you can say whatever you please with confidence, knowing that it's your opinion and while not everyone else may agree with it, you have just as much right to say it as the next person. It's not about arrogance and believing that you're always right. It's about feeling that you are able to say those things without feeling embarrassed or self-conscious. And it's about being able to respond to things that other people say – both positive and negative – without feeling choked inside.

If there's one thing that recent events have taught me, it's that I need to value myself more, and believe that the things I say are worth listening to. It's not easy, though. When you've spent as long thinking as badly of yourself as I have, it's difficult to break that habit.

#oneaday, Day 72: Taking Stock

Okay, so I'm back in the UK. Now what? I kind of haven't come down off the high from the last few days yet, but I probably should start making some sort of plan to sort out that "future" thing. I hear it helps.

So here's where I am now. I am going to run down these things in writing in public to see if that helps to take stock of my current situation and give me an idea of where the hell I'm going.

CURRENT EMPLOYMENT STATUS: Writing for Kombo.com. Writing for dailyjoypad.co.uk. Two music pupils, possible third.

EMPLOYMENT ANALYSIS: Not enough to pay rent. Need either a) more pupils b) more writing jobs that pay big bucks (hah!) c) computer pupils as well as music pupils or d) few days of supply teaching per week. I'd rather not have to do d) but it may be a necessity, for a little while at least. Over the next couple of days I am going to set up a new website advertising my computer tuition services and I shall be counting on you (yes, you!) to be part of the pimping process for that. My pupils have found me through the directory on musicteachers.co.uk thus far, but I'm not sure if there's an equivalent for computer tuition. I guess some research is in order.

CURRENT HEALTH STATUS: Mild sore throat. Unfit. Fat.

HEALTH ANALYSIS: Recommence Operation Gym and Operation Run Without Dying. iPhone is already loaded with an appropriate soundtrack, featuring tunes from Bayonetta, Persona 3, Persona 4, OutRun, Space Channel 5, Trauma Center and various Final Fantasy titles. Get into routine of actually going to gym as opposed to routine of not going to gym.

CURRENT SELF-ESTEEM STATUS: Actually not bad right now. Several days with "my people" has helped with this, specifically with the whole "Hey, you're not such a freak after all – and even if you are, there are at least 59,999 people just like you in the world, probably more" thing.

SELF-ESTEEM ANALYSIS: Maintain by doing stuff that makes me feel positive. Avoid doing things that make me feel negative. See aforementioned gym routine thing.

CURRENT MISSION OBJECTIVES:

Make enough money to pay rent (OPTIONAL: Make enough money to pay rent AND have Fun Stuff)
Recruit more music pupils
Design computer tuition website
Recruit computer tuition pupils
Do more writing for Kombo, DailyJoypad and BitMob
Hassle other sites for writing gigs
Attempt to make use of contacts made at PAX
Get into a situation where I can keep the necessity of doing supply teaching to a minimum

First one and the last one are the biggies, I guess. Everything else will contribute to those two. If I can get to a stage where I never have to step inside a classroom again, and I am working entirely on my own terms and feeling good about myself, that's the goal. That's the dream. And it's frickin' well going to happen.

Also, I've totally managed 72 days of blogging without a gap. That's pretty good going, right? I'll have a party on post 100 or something.