#oneaday Day 861: Round. One! FILM!

I went to see the Street Fighter movie today. I enjoyed it a lot! In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I legitimately find it quite baffling that some people have been seemingly quite angry about not liking it. I was watching Giant Bomb's Bomb-A-Thon livestream for part of last night, and one guy in the chat appeared to be furious that he had been to see it and not Digger. Each to their own, I guess.

Anyway, I went into the Street Fighter movie expecting something that was dumb but fun, and that's exactly what I got. Even as someone who is not particularly "into" Street Fighter, there was plenty of series fanservice in there. Rather wisely, the movie is set in the early 1990s, so the vast bulk of the cast consists of the most familiar faces from the series' early days — in other words, the cast of Street Fighter II, and a couple of additions from Super Street Fighter II (Cammy, Akuma) and Alpha (Dan). There's also an incredibly deep cut in the form of Joe, who only ever appeared as a non-playable enemy character in the first Street Fighter game.

The story, as you might expect for a Street Fighter movie, primarily concerns Ryu and Ken, who are given some extensive backstory, presented using extremely stylish anime-style sequences. Ryu beat Sagat in the first World Warrior tournament (as depicted in the original Street Fighter), but in doing so came perilously close to giving in to the Dark Hado and becoming Evil Ryu. His desire not to fall to evil resulted in him being unable to fully unleash a Hadouken when Gouken, sensei to him and Ken, was under attack by Akuma. This drove a wedge between Ryu and Ken, leaving Ryu to go into hiding, believing that he should leave fighting behind, and Ken to become a self-styled "sports entertainment" celebrity, hoovering up brand deals with the assistance of his manager, Dan.

I don't know Street Fighter lore extensively, but I got the impression that the movie plays a little fast and loose with the characters' backgrounds. As someone who doesn't particularly care about Street Fighter lore, I also don't care about this. In the context of the movie, their backgrounds and motivations for getting involved in the ongoing plot made sense — inasmuch as anything in this gleefully chaotic movie makes sense, anyway.

I won't summarise the entire plot here, but suffice to say that it involves M. Bison being Up To No Good, Akuma putting in an appearance, Chun-Li double-crossing the villains in her role as an Interpol agent, Cammy in her pre-having-broken-free-from-Bison phase and lots of people thumping one another.

Not all of the core cast of Street Fighter II are directly involved in the Big Plot, but they all get at least one fight scene. E. Honda, for example, only shows up for a fight with Ryu in a sauna so the latter can take the former's place in the tournament that forms the centrepiece to the plot — but it's a pretty great fight, with Honda using both his Hundred-Hand Slap and Flying Headbutt manoeuvre. (Unrelated fact: one of my friends once thought that he was saying "guffcake" when performing this move in the original Street Fighter II, and now I cannot know that move as anything other than "guffcake". I had to look up its actual name.)

Zangief is probably the most under-used of the core cast, with his role primarily consisting of getting angry that Ken ruined his steak dinner. He still performs a good few crowd-pleaser moves, though.

What I enjoyed most about the movie is that it's funny. Not in a "funny because it's so bad" sort of way, but in the sense that it's funny because it knows how silly and camp it all is, and absolutely leans hard into it. Bison even gets a "…for me, it was Tuesday" line in homage to the 1994 Street Fighter movie.

Ken is a particular highlight throughout, because he's a dickhead. Various entries in the series have both downplayed and emphasised this aspect of the character, and he's a real dickhead here, but not so irredeemably awful or unlikeable that he has no chance of redemption. On the contrary, he's mostly a dickhead because he's an idiot, and that makes for plenty of endearing comedy, particularly when paired up with Dan, who doesn't do a lot of fighting but has some amusing lines. There are some especially amusing scenes when Ken, Dan and Guile all try out out-masculine each other — with Dan, of course, coming off the worst.

In series tradition, the actual "tournament" isn't really an important plot point at all, as the main thrust of the story is Bison Being Up To No Good and what everyone else is doing about that. David Dastmalchian is a wonderful Bison, striking the perfect balance of sinister and absurd, and he frequently steals the show in the scenes where he appears. It's a bit of a shame he doesn't really get a good kicking — the ending is very clearly attempting to set up a sequel — but given the amount of other spectacular clashes throughout the movie (and the fact Bison does get a "behold my true power" moment when squaring off against Chun-Li), I can't really be too mad.

So yeah. I really enjoyed it. Not only did it do a good job of capturing the "vibe" of Street Fighter, but it was also an enjoyable, compelling movie. I like it better than Resident Evil; I didn't dislike Resident Evil, as I wrote the other day, but it did feel more like a series of entertaining vignettes rather than a coherent movie. Street Fighter, meanwhile, felt like it went places. They were often absurd, ridiculous places, yes, but one should expect nothing less from the series. It has, after all, always been extremely silly — no matter how seriously some people like to take playing the games, the series will always be the one with the stretchy-armed Indian, the green-skinned monstrous Brazilian, the American military man with the implausible hair and too many other examples of delightfully delirious nonsense to list in full here.

I feel you have to be a special kind of miserable to come out of that movie not having had a good time. No, it's not great art, it's not thought-provoking, it won't make you think about the human condition or any number of other philosophical concepts. It's a movie about people punching each other. And it's a good movie about people punching each other. If you go into it expecting anything else, that might be a you problem. And that's my final word!


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#oneaday Day 915: No, I Haven't Seen [Insert Movie Name Here]

I haven't seen The Dark Knight Rises yet. I'm probably not going to. I also didn't see that new Spider-Man movie, The Avengers or any of the other films that people have been going apeshit over in recent months. (And, it has to be said, being extremely tiresome about. So you enjoyed The Avengers? Great. I don't need to be kept up to date on how many times you've seen it. Also, quit retweeting your friends' Foursquare checkins of when they go to see it. No-one cares.) (Sorry. Apparently I am grumpy tonight. Disregard all of that. A bit.)

I just can't "do" movies. It's not through a lack of attention span — I can happily sit and play a game, read a book or dick around on the Internet for hours and hours and hours — but I just find it impossible to sit down and watch a movie any more. There's always a lingering sensation at the back of my mind that I'd rather spend two hours doing something — anything — else.

Actually, that's true of watching movies at home. I sold most of my DVDs to Music Magpie a while back and I haven't missed them since. I have a Netflix account on which I haven't watched any movies (though I have more than got my money's worth from all the TV shows on there). The idea of watching a movie at home is just… no. I don't want to do it.

Going to the cinema is a marginally more appealing prospect because of all the associated "other stuff" that goes with it. Comfy seats, a nice dark room with a big screen and impressive sound system, a bucket of popcorn which looks like it will last forever (but inevitably only lasts until the end of the trailers) and an opportunity to Do Something With Your Friends. (Of course, that Something is sitting in a darkened room, in silence, in a straight line so it is impossible to talk to each other, so you might as well be there by yourself.)

But then at the cinema you have to deal with shite you don't have to put up with at home. The scrotes who sit behind you and jiggle your seat with their feet. People who can't eat quietly. People who won't shut up. People who won't put their bastard mobile phone away for five seconds. (I hate these people on planes, too.) People who think everything that isn't funny is absolutely, massively, hilariously funny and turn a serious scene into some sort of farce with a laugh track.

None of these things represent specific reasons that I don't want to watch movies. I simply… don't want to watch them. I am fine with this. As such, if you ask me "have you seen [insert movie name here] yet?" the answer will almost definitely be "no." You can also drop the "yet" because I'm probably not going to see it at all. So there.

I am grumpy. Now I am going to bed.

BALLS.

#oneaday, Day 223: One Adult Ticket, Please

This is an exaggeration, of course. A lot of things are made to be shared. A meal for two. Sexual intercourse. That fart that made you chuckle for a good thirty minutes because it smelled like what you imagine a can of processed vegetables that's been left open for a month stinks like.

Still, there are a number of things which are supposedly inherently social activities which are actually improved severaltimes-fold by the complete and total absence of other people. And yet the peculiarness that is "social convention" precludes people from ever considering taking part in these activities without other people present at times.

Since we're on the subject, let's consider the cinema. The cinema is a place with lots of seats where lots of people can sit together and all watch the same movie. A movie is an audio-visual form of entertainment where it is necessary to both watch and listen in order to understand what is going on. Ergo (yeah, I said "ergo") it is natural to assume that you would want to give this your full attention. So why did you bring these people with you?

The Giggler

The Giggler sits and watches the movie and laughs obnoxiously loudly at everything. Not just the deliberately funny bits. But the bits they find amusing, too. The trouble with The Giggler is that they find everything funny. From the fact that the lead character has a zit on his nose to the cheesy line that the love interest spouts, everything provokes a snort, snicker, giggle or guffaw.

You're watching the climax of the movie ("climax", incidentally, being a word that would cause The Giggler to collapse and possibly explode) and it's clear that it's a powerful, dramatic moment. However, The Giggler has decided that this moment is actually the funniest thing they have ever seen, and they proceed to ruin the dramatic tension for themselves, you and everyone around them by chortling away to themselves.

Net result: You, and most other people in the cinema, want to punch them in the face by the time you leave.

The Joker

Ally to The Giggler, The Joker has a sly comment to make about every single scene in the movie, which normally sets The Giggler off into one of their famous Fits of The Giggles. The Joker knows the perfect moment in which to say something completely inappropriate which ruins the whole movie for themselves and everyone around them. Fortuitously, The Joker usually has the good sense to say these things quietly so that only they and their immediate group of companions can hear them.

But when a planet is about to explode on screen, there's a moment of silence and The Joker leans over and whispers "Cock!" in your ear, there's no way you can recover from that.

The Farter

The Farter is a subdivision of The Joker. The Farter also does things inappropriately at just the wrong moment. But you can imagine what it is they do instead of cracking jokes.

The Texter

The Texter can't keep their hands off their mobile phone for the duration of the movie, despite those stern warnings and irritating Orange adverts before it starts. The Texter inevitably has poor low-light vision, too, so insists on having their phone set to full brightness for while they are sending messages to all their friends who are not you.

The One Who Doesn't Get It

The One Who Doesn't Get It is fairly self-explanatory. Stereotypically, The One Who Doesn't Get It is a girl who has been dragged along to a sci-fi movie by her boyfriend, but it's by no means limited to the female of the species.

The One Who Doesn't Get It is trying very hard to like the movie but just doesn't understand it. Perhaps it's a movie based on a TV show or comic series that they don't have any context for. Perhaps they went to the toilet when a critical plot point happened. Perhaps they're used to stories with all the depth of a puddle. Or perhaps they're just a bit slow.

Regardless of the reason, The One Who Doesn't Get It very much wants to Get It. So they ask lots of questions of the person who appears to Get It the most. Which is probably you.

The Rustler

The Rustler is, at their core, a kind-hearted soul. That's why they stocked up on drinks and snacks in the foyer. They're more than happy to share their tasty treats with you. Unfortunately, the tasty treats that they purchased come in the noisiest bag imaginable. And not only that, the sweets in the bag are all individually wrapped, too, meaning that not only do you have to rustle the bag if you want a sweet (which you do, because they're delicious and exactly what you want right now) you then have to spent a few minutes rustling the paper of the sweet in order to get at the delicious goodness within. And once you've had one, you want more.

In this way, The Rustler has managed to escape blame for themselves alone. By sharing the goodies with others, it's not just their fault.

The One Who's Seen The Movie Before

The One Who's Seen The Movie Before is, in many ways, the most dangerous of all. Because The Giggler, The Joker, The Farter, The Texter, The One Who Doesn't Get It and The Rustler can all be ignored or told to shut up. The One Who's Seen The Movie Before can do their damage and make it irreversible before you know what's happening.

All it takes is a simple "Oh wow! This is the twist coming up!" to ruin any sense of dramatic tension. The One Who's Seen The Movie Before assumes that everyone else has also Seen The Movie Before and as such doesn't mind dishing out a few spoilers both before and during the movie. And because they're your friend, you don't want to punch them in the testicles for doing so. But inside, your mind is beating them senseless about the face and neck.

The Other Moviegoers

This doesn't even take into account the other people in the cinema. There's The Very Tall Man, who inevitably sits right in front of you, even when the rest of the cinema is empty. There are The Annoying Children, who are usually other people's The Jokers and The Gigglers. There are The Weak Bladders, who get up every five minutes to go and have a piss, and inevitably sit on your row, requiring you to stand up to let them out. And numerous others. These can be dealt with by simply not sitting near anyone else, ever.

So stay safe. Just go by yourself. Unless you're with a significant other and you really don't care about the movie and just want to make out in the back row. But, you know, you can achieve much the same effect by simply turning off the lights in your living room, and it won't cost you seven quid.

In other news, I went to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World today. By myself. And it was awesome.

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#oneaday, Day 194: Plan Plan Plan Plan... Fool?

Went to see The A-Team at the cinema tonight with a buddy. We were going to go see Inception, which I understand is quite good, but it was full, so that will have to wait until I'm back in Southampton.

Despite The A-Team's cultural significance and kitsch value, I'm not entirely convinced I've watched many—if any—episodes of the original TV series. Shameful, I know. Still, I can appreciate its ridiculousness and feel suitably aggrieved that it's not Mr. T playing BA Baracas in the movie.

So, the movie then. It was surprisingly good. Not great, but pretty good. It dragged on a bit too long, if anything, but it looked good and had a great cast. Liam Neeson as Hannibal was very good, despite a shoddy script that saw him mentioning "plans" completely gratuitously, even for a master of planning such as himself. It's good to see Bradley Cooper doing stuff again too; he made a good Face. Murdock and BA were pretty good, too; they had a good dynamic between them that worked well.

The story was utter nonsense and felt like it was ripped straight from a Call of Duty game. There were bad guys with motives that weren't particularly clear, betrayals, backstabbings, a twist that defied all logic and lots and lots and lots of explosions and gunfights. It was spectacular in the same way that Modern Warfare 2 is; so long as you don't even think about trying to analyse (or indeed understand) the plot. The writers clearly knew this, as there's a terrible, terrible line in one scene that they deserve a punch in the face for. Nasty Bad Guy Man is watching a transmission of a missile approaching something it's about to destroy (no spoilers here) and quips that "Man, this looks just like Call of Duty!"

No. Name-drops do not make you cool. Stop it.

One thing that struck me, though—and remember I'm speaking as someone who didn't really watch the TV series here—the big-screen interpretation of the team's activities seems a lot more violent than I expected. This is something of a pattern with modern-day remakes of classic franchises, I find—the violence and sexiness quotient tends to get beefed up somewhat. At times, certain scenes become unrecognisable from the source material and start looking just like any other action movie.

The A-Team was in danger of this happening on a number of occasions, but it kept just the right level of absurdity to keep things ticking along. Still, it would have been nice to see more in the way of improvised gadgetry (of which there is some) and less in the way of "OMG GUNS!"

That said, there's a scene with a tank which is pretty 1) implausible and 2) hilarious.

In short, it's a perfect summer movie. It's pretty, it's dumb and it's a lot of fun. Go into it expecting some thoroughly shallow, thoroughly enjoyable entertainment and you won't be disappointed.