These posts are normally for Patrons only, but I've left this one public because I want the people involved to be able to read it, on the off-chance they actually see this.
I just got back from Digitiser Live in London (and the Chunky Fringe event beforehand) — I'm not going to talk specifically about those events right now because it's 1am and I want to go to bed. I did, however, want to mention some things while they're still fresh in my mind and heart, so here we go.
I wanted to extend a huge thank-you to everyone involved in the events today for creating such a wonderfully welcoming, positive place for people to enjoy themselves. It felt like a complete escape from the negativity and nonsense of the rest of the world, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt remarkably refreshed to be in such an environment — off the Internet and among real people with whom they have something in common.
I've mentioned before that I have monstrous social anxiety that can probably mostly be attributed to my Asperger's. The prospect of attending events where there are lots of people is pretty terrifying to me, and even more so if it's not just random people, but also people that I greatly respect.
I am, in other words, not the sort of person who finds it easy to strike up conversations with random strangers — even if I know that stranger and I will probably get along — and nor am I particularly confident in responding to people initiating some sort of interaction with me. This, as you can probably imagine, is generally why I shy away from events like this.
Digitiser host and lead creative type Paul "Mr Biffo" Rose was aware that there were people feeling like this — I wasn't the only one — and encouraged them to come along anyway, promising an experience that they wouldn't regret. Bold words indeed, but having followed Rose on Twitter for a while — particularly since he got Digitiser: The Show and various related paraphernalia up and running — I knew that if there was one thing you could count on him for, it was sincerity and honesty.
Digitiser Live had previously sold out, but some more tickets became available. I was still not sure if I was going to be "up to" going, but my wife Andie encouraged me to buy two tickets — one for me, and one for a friend (if any of my local friends happened to be available, which they weren't) or for her if no-one else was able to come with me. I did so.
The day approached and, as I noted yesterday, I was a bit nervous about the prospect.
I knew that there would be things there that I was interested in, and people that I wanted to meet. I knew that there was a portion of the show in which I might be able to show off some of the old Atari hardware I love so much (sadly, random selection meant that I didn't get this opportunity in the end — but more on that in a moment!). And I knew that, based on the Digitiser YouTube videos — both the full-length Digitiser: The Show and the more regular short-form content they've been putting out recently — I would enjoy Digitiser Live.
But I also knew myself. I knew that when confronted with a room of unfamiliar people, I tend to clam up and not want to talk to anyone. I knew that if I didn't take an opportunity to speak to someone I admire, I'd regret it, but that would almost certainly happen anyway. And I knew that would sully the experience of the day a bit.
But while I was at Chunky Fringe ahead of Digitiser Live, something in my brain told me that it was probably safe to come a little bit further out of my comfort zone than I do normally. Paul Gannon, host of the Cheap Show podcast, Digitiser cast member and perpetual whipping boy for Biffo, was in attendance selling Cheap Show magazines and various bits and pieces. As Chunky Fringe was coming to an end and Gannon was preparing to leave to go and get ready for the evening's show, I decided to take a chance: I spoke to him.
And nothing bad happened. I had the opportunity to shake him by the hand, tell him I enjoyed his work and thank him for the entertainment. It was a brief interaction, but I can't underline enough what a massive deal my being able to do this was. My knees were trembling before and afterwards… but once it was done, I didn't regret it. And I knew that I was in a place where it would be safe to try that again.
If you're the sort of person who can just happily chat away to others regardless of whether or not you know them, you might not understand what a big deal this is. But for someone with social anxiety and/or Asperger's, even a simple interaction like this takes a huge mental "wind-up" — and often that very process can discourage you from taking that last step at all, as you start to visualise all the ways it could possibly go wrong, or in which you make a fool of yourself.
I still have in my mind the time I attended PAX and, by chance, met Don Woods, the father of the adventure game; I embarrassed myself by being a gibbering, nervous wreck and my friends I was there with gave me some light-hearted ribbing about it afterwards. This was several years before I'd been formally diagnosed with Asperger's, before you judge my friends too harshly; today I can look back on the situation and both understand it and see the funny side to a certain degree, but the memory still sticks with me a bit when situations like this present themselves.
I knew that after Digitiser Live was over in the evening, Biffo and the other cast members were planning to spend some time in the venue bar to meet fans, sign autographs and that sort of thing. Biffo had been kind enough to offer some positive, personal encouragement to me on Twitter, so I was hoping that I'd be able to meet him in person, shake him by the hand and thank him for this whole crazy phenomenon that culminated in today's event. After I didn't get picked for the "Antiques Roadshow" segment in the show itself, I was also keen to track down cast member Octav1us and show her the Atari 400 I'd brought with me, because I felt like she'd probably be the one who would appreciate it the most, given her interest in old microcomputers.
Despite my earlier positive interaction with Gannon, I was still nervous. I wasn't quite sure how I'd approach either of them; that initial "approach" is always the most difficult part for me, as I always worry that I'll be intruding on people, interrupting them doing things that they'd rather be doing and just generally being a nuisance. And I had plenty of time for my mind to stew this over, since Biffo and co were busy doing the "get out" for the performance before heading to the bar.
My wife Andie went out for a smoke while we were waiting, and when she came back she told me that Octav1us was outside. Something in my mind told me that this was a "now or never" moment — accurate, as it happened, since they were just about to leave for the night. (The "get out" had actually taken so long that the bar was already closed by the time they finished!) Again, I remembered the positive, supportive and safe atmosphere I felt like I'd been in all day, and managed to summon up the confidence to approach Octav1us, thank them for their contributions to the day and the entertainment their work on YouTube has brought me, and show them my Atari 400 so the poor beast hadn't had a wasted trip.
Once again, nothing bad happened. I had a nice chat with Octav1us for a few minutes, we discussed the Atari 400 and its keyboard and laughed about what a nightmare it must have been learning to program on stuff like the ZX81 and the original Spectrum with their horrid keyboards. (The Atari 400 also originally had a horrible membrane keyboard — ostensibly so it would be suitable for children and protected against spillages — but pretty much everyone who owned one paid their local computer shop to replace this with a "typewriter-style" set of physical keys.)
Buoyed by "success", I decided to seek out Biffo, since I'd seen on Twitter that he was somewhere in the corridors of the venue. Sure enough, I found him, had the opportunity to shake his hand and he even knew who I was when I introduced myself.
The only person from the main Digitiser Live cast I wasn't able to find before we left was Larry Bundy Jr, which was a pity as I wanted to show him some appreciation for his complete shamelessness on stage, but suffice to say by this point I feel like I would have probably also been able to speak to him without anything awful happening.
As I noted above, none of this may sound like a big deal to you if you're the sort of person who can just walk up to someone and talk to them, but I am not and have never been that person. That's why these small events, as insignificant as they probably were to the other parties involved, were very much appreciated, and I'm sure will become valuable memories for me.
As such, I specifically want to thank Biffo, Octav1us and Gannon for taking the time to speak with me and make me feel welcome — and more broadly and generally, I want to thank everyone involved with both Chunky Fringe and Digitiser Live for creating such a lovely, positive, welcoming, safe-feeling atmosphere for the whole day.
It really means a lot to me that not only did I have a great day of entertainment, I also felt able to do things I'm not normally able to. And so, while the day's events and excitement were fresh in my head, I wanted to say a public "thank you" to these people.
Thank you, everyone; you made my day.