I'm having a bad day today. I discovered this morning that a day I took off sick last week because my hernia was causing me excruciating pain and nausea was enough to trigger an "absence management" meeting tomorrow. This discovery caused me to immediately burst into tears at work, and I really do not want to have to deal with this.

I don't want to have to deal with it because I'm furious at the stupid sickness policy here, whereby they have some indecipherable "rolling year" system, in which it appears if you are ill more than a couple of times, you will seemingly never get paid sick leave ever again, and in which every soul-destroying, pointless "Return to Work" interview you have to do when you get back from a day off unfolds in exactly the same way, reminding you that you are somehow a bad and awful person for daring to take any time off to make sure you are healthy. (All this makes the "do not come in to work if you think you have coronavirus" email that went around today seem pretty rich.)

I don't want to have to deal with it because how furious I am about all this makes me feel like I'm probably going to say or do something I will regret. I utterly despise being put in unfair situations and feeling picked on, and this most certainly seems to qualify; not one of the days I have taken off sick since being here has been non-genuine — and while there have been a few sick days in the last year, I wouldn't say "a lot", and there was a full five months where I took no time off whatsoever. Yet here I am, finding myself feeling like I'm being punished for being genuinely, legitimately ill.

I hate it. Absolutely hate it. All this is just adding to the considerable anxiety I already deal with each and every day, and to be honest, all it makes me want to do is head to my doctor and get signed off for a week or two. But at the same time I'm worried that will, in itself, cause its own problems. It might make a statement, though.

I have an appointment to discuss it with the doctor on Thursday, which is later than I would have liked. I'm either going to have to grit my teeth and deal with this meeting tomorrow, or find some way to avoid it.

I'm really not built for corporate life.

I'm so happy the Final Fantasy VII Remake demo turned out so well. I was legitimately, genuinely impressed by so much of it — more so than I've felt impressed by any game for a very long time, even notoriously "impressive" ones such as The Witcher 3 and the like.

As I noted in my piece today on MoeGamer, Final Fantasy VII is an incredibly important game for me. I associate it with what was probably the happiest time in my whole life: the period when I was at sixth form — out of compulsory education, into studying the things that personally interested me, and just living for the moment without worrying about the future.

That period of time was so happy for me because it's one of the few periods where I felt well and truly completely accepted for who I was. The friendships I built and developed during that time were extremely close ones, and the experiences I shared with those friends, while mostly pretty mundane, are ones that I'll always remember. That 36-hour Final Fantasy VII binge was definitely one such experience — and one of the reasons why I will always have such fond memories of that game.

It was a time when it was exciting to explore new games; a time before the Internet made jaded old cynics of us all; a time when we could all just be enthusiastic and passionate about things without feeling obliged to play devil's advocate, or be contrary just for the sake of it. It was a good time. It was a time where I bought a lot of games and discovered some all-time favourites — I just wish I still had some of them, but you can blame the collapse of my first marriage for the loss of most of them. That's another story though, of course.

For sure, while the modern age brings us many conveniences and many amazing things — and the means to express ourselves more freely than ever — if I had the opportunity to go back to then… I'd absolutely take it.

One thing I've noticed over the course of the last few years — running MoeGamer, doing YouTube, running this Patreon — is that the hardest part of self-promotion is doing it to people you know directly. The people you are, in theory at least, closest to.

There are two parts to this. The first is definitely a "me" problem, which is that I feel way more self-conscious asking close friends and particularly family to check out my stuff than I do promoting it to strangers or acquaintances on the Internet. I'm not sure why this is, as I'm genuinely proud of what I do… but I guess it just feels like I don't want to "bother" them or something. This is, of course, stupid, because I know my family in particular supports me and what I do… I just… I don't know, really. Sometimes it feels oddly difficult to say "hey, did you know I've done over 210 videos on old Atari stuff, at least some of which you might be interested in?"

The second part… is a little less easy to deal with and understand. I'm growing increasingly frustrated with the people who are supposedly my closest friends having absolutely nothing to say when I share something I've worked on with them — and I don't share just any old thing, mind you; I share things that I know they'll be interested in. I even dedicated an Atari A to Z video to one of my friends, because it was on the subject of a game we'd both talked about a lot in the past. But… nothing. Not even a "sure, I'll give that a watch later" acknowledgement — even if they had no intention of giving it a watch later.

I don't really know why this is, and I don't want to express my frustration at them because I'm not sure it'll really achieve anything. It'd just be nice to have a bit of acknowledgement from the people who are supposedly closest to me, y'know?

Still, I can at least take heart from the fact that even if the people I've known for 20+ years appear to take no interest in the things I'm most passionate about and proud of, at least I've made some great new friends by doing this. And those people are kind enough to enjoy what I do, have interesting conversations with me and share my joy in creating stuff. So thank you to those of you who I have gotten to know a bit better over the course of the last few years — you are very much appreciated, believe me.

Anyway, enough Sunday night maudlin nonsense; I better get to bed. Back to the ol' grindstone tomorrow, fun fun fun. Still, I think I'm getting near the end of Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana, so hopefully I should be able to wrap that up in the next couple of days. Something to look forward to!

Enjoy what's left of your weekend, and I'll speak to you all soon.

Got a decent amount done this weekend. Two episodes of Final Fantasy Marathon, one of Warriors Wednesday (already had one in the can), six episodes of Atari A to Z of various descriptions and the podcast I mentioned yesterday, which will probably be out next Monday, I believe. Not bad going!

It's nice when you get into a groove and feel like you're getting things done. It's easy to fall into unhealthy habits like staring repeatedly at the same websites over and over hour after hour, day after day; I've caught myself several times this weekend doing just that, but being conscious of the fact you're doing it helps you to break that habit somewhat.

Well, maybe not break the habit, but at least get yourself out of the situation at the time. Which is a start, at least. The process to changing your overall behaviours begins with recognising the things that you actually want to change, and making those changes with small steps.

As you might have noticed, I've been a bit down recently, and my creative stuff has been helping me take my attention away from the darker thoughts. I think I need to make some fundamental changes in the longer term, though; I'm looking for a new day job. There's just too much frustrating me about my current place, and a bit of research indicates that I'm also being quite significantly underpaid for what I do. So that sucks!

Of course, The Dream is always to be able to do what I love for a living, but that's still a long way off. In the meantime, I can make other changes like this… let's hope something good comes of it.

Ah, I forgot to write again yesterday. It's getting late here so I'll give you two posts tomorrow to make up for it. Don't say I'm not good to you. (Just say that my brain won't let me rest easy until I'm "up to date". Blame the Asperger's or something.)

I've been getting some videos done today; two more episodes of both Final Fantasy Marathon and Warriors Wednesday are in the can, and I have planning for six more episodes of Atari A to Z ready to record intros and footage for tomorrow.

I'm also recording an appearance on a podcast that is not my own tomorrow morning! A chap reached out to me a while back (around the time of the Gun Gun Pixies palaver, I think) and said he wanted to record a show on the subject of the game. We've got things sorted and are recording tomorrow. I don't know his show and site well, but if you want to check it out, you can do so at  https://onecontrollerport.com/ — not sure when the show I'm going to be on will go out, but I'll keep you posted!

As for this evening, I've eaten Japanese food (the sushi was good, the steamed pork buns were great, the yakisoba was… all right) and now I think I'm probably going to go to bed for some much-needed sleep. Or possibly stay up until an obscene hour reading a visual novel or playing shoot 'em ups. One or the other. Maybe both.

Hope you have a fine weekend!

I've been following a bunch of Japanese artists lately, partly in an attempt to drown out the never-ending morass of whining and complaining from Western Twitter, but also because I like seeing gorgeous artwork of pretty girls.

I thought today I'd share a few pieces from a couple of artists I've found particularly striking recently, and encourage you to share and support their work using the links I provide at the end. I reiterate: none of this artwork is mine; support the original artists! I embed them as simple images here because Patreon's blog editor is a bit limited and doesn't do inline tweet embeds.

First up is Ichino Yuyu, who immediately caught my attention with their beautiful use of flat shading in pale colours. It gives their work an incredibly distinctive look, and works wonderfully with their sharp, inked lineart.

 https://twitter.com/yuyu_d/status/1230326266626113537 

There's a kind of "pop art" vibe to pieces like this that I really, really like — but the attention to detail is incredible, too. Through minimal use of colour, Yuyu has really given the impression of the girl above being caked in sweat or rain.

 https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/66493029 

This seems to be just one of several styles that Yuyu experiments with, too; check their Pixiv account and you'll find a variety of colourful works, including both fanart and original compositions such as this maid. Even in this more elaborately shaded piece, however, there's still an element of that "dream-like" quality from the other pieces — look particularly at the vague, blurred, overexposed background. Lovely.

The other artist I've found especially striking recently is Ogata Tei, whose work features incredibly rich use of colour and shading, and an almost palpable feeling of substance and body to their human figures. Here's a great example:

 https://twitter.com/ogatatei/status/1231107584905449472 

Tei also seems to have a fascination with girls who have wet hair, so most of their work features girls who are getting out of the shower, or who have been swimming, or for one reason or another have straggly wet hair. It's a good look that Tei is able to capture very well — and not something you see explored all that often.

 https://twitter.com/ogatatei/status/1227355219454939136 

The other thing that Tei is very good at is intricately detailed lingerie. The detailing on the lace in this piece is absolutely second to none; it draws the eye and makes it so you can practically feel the texture just by looking at it.

If you want to see more of what these artists have been up to, check them out using these details:

Ichino Yuyu on Twitter:  https://twitter.com/yuyu_d
Ichino Yuyu on Pixiv:  https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/68864 

Ogata Tei on Twitter:  https://twitter.com/ogatatei
Ogata Tei on Fantia:  https://fantia.jp/fanclubs/4082 

Enjoy! And feel free to share any favourite artists you're a particular fan of.

Every so often, I'm struck with the satisfying feeling that gaming really has matured as an art form — and the thing that drives this home more than anything else is that in any given week, I can be playing things from 40 years ago and things from this week, and they're all still enjoyable in one way or another. Okay, your mileage may vary somewhat when it comes to the really retro stuff — pre-NES for most people — but certainly speaking for myself, I love gaming from all eras.

The fact that I'm so thoroughly captivated with Atelier Iris: Eternal Mana, which is about 15 years old at this point, is testament to this fact. While there are certain aspects of the game that we don't really "do" any more — most notably the isometric perspective built from 2D art in exploration sequences — the game as a whole still feels fresh and relevant, and very much its own distinct thing compared to its peers that are ostensibly in the same genre.

Or how about the Psikyo shooters I've just started exploring? Those mostly date back to the late '90s, yet likewise these remain highly enjoyable even today; in fact, some might argue the Switch ports are a better way to experience these than their original incarnations thanks to their customisability and tweaks to the interface.

Gaming is so incredibly rich and diverse — and has been for decades at this point — that it makes me a bit sad when anyone says that they are "bored" of it. At this point, we have more than 40 years of history to explore at any given moment, with much of it easily accessible by anyone with an Internet connection and a modest computer — and modern developers continuing to experiment, push boundaries and refine established formulae in new and creative ways.

Given all that, if you still can't find something to entertain you, I can't help but feel a bit sorry for you!

It'd be nice to be able to just get on with things in your life, wouldn't it? Without having to worry about expenses, maintaining things and all that sort of thing. Sadly, life rarely works that way.

Our house has a fairly shitty extension built on the back — we didn't do it, it was there when we bought the place. We've suspected it was pretty shit for quite a while, but with the recent storms we've had we've confirmed that: it has a leaky roof in several places. Not a major leak or anything, thankfully, but enough to damage the ceiling and wall a bit. So we're going to have to figure out what to do about that.

The most straightforward option is, of course, to just fix the roof. The extension itself, although a bit shoddy, isn't structurally unsound or anything; it just looks like it was done on the cheap (and possibly without planning permission).

But then this might provide a bit of an opportunity to revamp things a bit; we're going to get some quotes for both fixing the roof and completely rebuilding the extension, with the latter option likely involving borrowing a bit more against the value of our house, which has gone up considerably since we first bought it.

I don't really understand financial things so this is one of those times when I'm grateful for my wife's ability to keep her head screwed on (most of the time) when dealing with stuff like this. And I guess I know what I'm putting Patreon money aside for for the next little while! So, um… if you have any friends who might want to support me and my work, give 'em a nudge, eh? 🙂

I'm not sleeping super-well right now; I suspect this relates to the somewhat elevated level of anxiety I've been feeling for the past few months. Last night was particularly bad, though rather than just a general feeling of "I didn't sleep very well", I can at least point to the fact that I had a strange, seemingly anxiety-induced dream that left me feeling absolutely exhausted.

The beginning of the dream is somewhat vague. I was in some sort of house or flat or something; I don't think it was my "Manor of Sleep" that I've previously discussed, but it could well be a different part of that building that I haven't explored (or remembered) before.

The important thing is that it was some sort of communal place, rather than something that was just "mine". I feel like it was the aftermath of some sort of gathering or party or the like. And I really needed a piss.

I opened a door and walked right in. I knew that there would be people in there who were naked, so I walked right through without looking to either side; I knew that a friend from school who I haven't spoken to for nigh on twenty years was there, and he was shouting "I'm naked!" while lying on a bed with a similarly nude woman, but I didn't look; I couldn't see them. I just walked through and onward into what was apparently an en-suite bathroom.

I don't remember actually using the bathroom; the next thing I recall is entering the kitchen and a naked man with a moustache yelling at me that I "broke the baby code". I ignored him, so he just stood there, furious and nude, as I attempted to wash my hands.

The sink was sunken into a worktop that was both much too high and much too deep, making it almost impossible to reach without stretching or standing on something. It was surrounded by dirty pots and pans that I took great care not to touch, but when I rested my arm on the counter — unavoidable due to its sheer depth — I discovered that the whole thing was coated with what appeared to be cooking oil, and the sleeve of the leather jacket I was wearing became completely covered.

Beyond that, I don't really remember any other details, but I do know the experience was oddly terrifying, upsetting and anxiety-inducing; I woke up feeling like I hadn't had any rest at all, and feeling particularly uneasy about the day to come. So far no-one has yelled at me for "breaking the baby code", but the day is young!

Another weekend nearly over! Boo. Still, today has been nice and relaxing, at least, and I'm probably going to get at least another hour or so of Atelier Iris in before bed.

There was no PATRONS ONLY! video this weekend because I didn't really have the time or energy to put one together, and also I'm having a bit of a rethink. These videos haven't been watched by all that many people in total — likely because their base potential audience is already very limited — but I have enjoyed doing various random things, talking to the camera, repairing the ST and that sort of thing.

As such, having experimented with the format a bit with PATRONS ONLY! I think I might just say that I'll do occasional one-off videos of this type on the main channel for everyone to enjoy. If anyone has an issue with that or would particularly like PATRONS ONLY! to continue as a patrons-only thing, please speak now or forever hold your peace! And if you want to remind yourself of the things we've done to date, I assembled all the past PATRONS ONLY! videos into an unlisted playlist here:  https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqmqFDuRsOsc7ennbfigVjYDU3HVFTX4D 

Taking these sort of… "general purpose" videos public provides the scope to do things like unboxing videos of limited editions, collection tours and all that sort of thing, and I think those sorts of videos might help provide a bit of variety to the channel. It'll be fun! As I say, though, if you do feel particularly strongly that you would like these videos to continue in some form as a patrons-exclusive thing, please let me know. This blog and the monthly wallpapers for S-rankers are, of course, not going anywhere, so don't worry about that!

Anyway, back to Atelier Iris for me; I wonder if I'll manage to get a Chronolex made before I go to bed this evening…?