#oneaday Day 17: Abort, Retry, Fail?

Last night I once again spectacularly failed to get a good night's sleep. I had trouble getting off to sleep in the first place, then my cat decided to be sick twice in the night — thankfully not on the bedsheets this time, but she managed to coat a significant portion of the bedroom floor in cat vomit. She's fine, by the way; she just has a bit of a weak stomach and a tendency to wolf her food down. And once again I am grateful that most of our house has laminate floor rather than carpet.

Still, this unfortunately meant that getting out of bed at 7am to go for a swim felt out of the question. My body just refused to get up, and I didn't think pushing myself on that little sleep would do me any favours, so I slept in a bit longer. I'm having an early night tonight, though, so hopefully tomorrow will come after an uninterrupted sleep. I can hope, anyway.

Aside from that, today was one of those mostly uneventful days where not a lot of note happened. So, what to talk about?

Later this week sees the launch of the Early Access period for Final Fantasy XIV's new expansion Dawntrail. I'm looking forward to playing this, but I'm also a bit sad that my relationship with Final Fantasy XIV has changed so much since my initial enthusiasm for it. Back when it launched (and indeed before that, when I was playing in open beta) it was a delight to play alongside some people who eventually became close friends, but for various reasons — including my wife and I moving to a European server instead of the North American one we were playing on — I drifted away for quite some time, and it's been difficult to get back into the same groove I once had.

Part of the reason for this is that I am very conscious that when I was "in the groove" with Final Fantasy XIV, I played it almost to the exclusion of everything else. While that was rewarding in its own way, it was also a little frustrating; I found it difficult to strike that perfect balance between enjoying Final Fantasy XIV often enough to keep the fires of friendship kindled with the people I liked to play alongside, and saying firmly to myself "no, tonight you are doing something else".

Previously, I've attempted to set aside time for Final Fantasy XIV by saying a particular night of the week is "Final Fantasy XIV night" — in fact, I chronicled one such experiment of this sort here. That didn't really work for me, though, because I'd often find that by the time I got to the evening in question, I didn't really fancy playing Final Fantasy XIV, so instead ended up doing something else anyway.

Social anxiety has also entered the picture a fair bit. In line with what I talked about yesterday, whereas I was once a pretty confident Final Fantasy XIV player, I no longer feel that way. I feel uneasy about approaching strangers, talking to new people or asking for help. There are a few reasons for this.

Firstly is the fact that the community changed a bit over the course of the original A Realm Reborn run and onwards into Heavensward. We started to get the typical western players' "efficiency at all cost" mindset taking hold, with people arguing that "the best way to play" was to spend half your time looking at spreadsheets and the other half exploiting the game structure to your own benefit. Not cheating as such, but definitely deliberately making the game less fun in the name of being more "efficient". I got frustrated with that, and not being into playing that way put me very much in a minority — a minority that I certainly felt wasn't listened to.

Secondly is just my own overall sense of unease with online interactions these days, which I talked about yesterday. While I once felt entirely comfortable "being myself" while playing Final Fantasy XIV, now I feel a lot more "guarded" and hesitant to initiate interactions. This is almost entirely a "me" problem rather than anything else, and it is something I can probably work on, but it's a big part of why the game isn't as fun as it used to be for me.

There are a few things I want to do in an attempt to recapture the past magic, but hopefully without the game taking over my life. In fact, I've already taken one major step; I've returned to the original server and Free Company (group of players) that I previously played with. I haven't seen my past friends around as much as I'd like, nor have I had much chance to interact with them, but that's something I can work on — particularly as I've always remained in that Free Company's Discord server, even when I moved to the European game servers.

What I need to do is regain that confidence I once had. I need to get some practice in at playing and interacting with others — and really, there's no other way to do that than to just jump back in and do it. So with Dawntrail, I'm going to try and be involved with things a bit more. Ahead of Early Access, I'm attempting to level another type of job (White Mage, a healer) on top of Samurai, the DPS job that took me through Stormblood, Shadowbringers and Endwalker. That way, I can have a bit more flexibility when it comes to group activities.

I have played as a tank in the past — for non-MMO aficionados, the "tank" is the de facto "leader" of a party who stands at the front and lets the monsters hit them while the other party members heal them and stab the monster in the back — but I haven't quite got my confidence back up to that level. Tank anxiety is a very real thing, because in that quasi-leadership role, you control a lot of things — including if the party as a whole survives encounters.

There are a lot of things I need to work on if I want to recapture the same magic I once felt from this game. And I do want to try and feel some of that again; some of my favourite gaming moments and happiest times with friends were spent particularly throughout A Realm Reborn. I guess it remains to be seen if Dawntrail will feel the same way — or if I will end up playing through the main storyline (which I'm going to do regardless) and then setting the game aside.

We shall see!

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#oneaday Day 16: The Youth of Yesterday

I'm compelled to write today by the thoroughly lovely Neil and Dave of the This Week in Retro podcast, who had a discussion about "the youth of today", and how some parents are concerned that their children spend the vast majority of their time on an endless cycle of Fortnite, Roblox and Minecraft, perhaps punctuated by social media in between times. The show and its discussion can be found below:

People who grew up pre-Internet doubtless all have their own experiences to share. The listener who wrote in with the question described how while they did spend time with their computer playing games, they also played outside, rode their BMX bike and all manner of other things, while both Neil and Dave described their own experiences as being a bit different, both from one another and from the listener's recollection. So I thought I'd share my own experiences, with the benefit of hindsight.

I grew up in a country village that, at the time I lived there, had somewhere between 800 and 1,000 people living there. It was seven miles away from the nearest town, there was no bus service unless you went to the next village over (and even then, it was pretty much a "once a week" sort of affair) and… I guess you could look upon it as either being ideal or terrible for growing up in. Ideal because it was quiet, safe and full of places to go on childish "adventures"; terrible because, particularly once I reached adolescence, all of my friends were a car journey away.

I went back and forth on my feelings about living in that village. When I was of primary school age, I attended the village school, and as such my social circle was pretty much all people who lived nearby. I had a small group of friends, only one or two of whom I actually went to see outside of school time, but mostly kept myself to myself. In retrospect, my relative lack of socialisation compared to some of my peers was likely down to the social anxiety I felt as a result of my then-undiagnosed autistic spectrum condition.

But at the time, I didn't really begrudge living in the village. I knew it was a nice place, that I lived in a nice house with supportive parents and a stable home life. I enjoyed when my grandparents came to visit and we'd go for a walk, inevitably to landmarks around the village that had acquired nicknames; "The Kissing Gate" (one of those awkward gates into a farmer's field), "The Brook" (a pathetic little stream that, these days, has mostly dried up and smells awful), "The Bullocks" (the farmer's field beyond The Kissing Gate that sometimes, but not always, had bulls in it). Looking back on it now, I have lots of fond memories.

When I entered my teens and started attending school in the aforementioned town seven miles away, my feelings changed a bit. While I was still somewhat anxious about social situations, I started to feel a bit more left out. As I grew older, I started to feel like there were lots of things that I couldn't do because I didn't live close enough. These feelings persisted until I turned 17, passed my driving test and suddenly had a lot more independence… so long as my Mum didn't mind me borrowing her car of an evening.

I promise I'm getting to the video games.

Point is, I don't remember spending a lot of time as a kid or a teen "playing outside". I didn't learn to ride a bike until well after many of my peers — memorably, I suffered a rather large setback on my initial efforts when I came a cropper and skidded along a rough concrete farm road, shearing a significant chunk of skin off my legs and arms, which made me a little hesitant to try again for a while — and I didn't spend much time with many of my peers, except on rare occasions when I'd go over to a friend's house for one reason or another.

Throughout all that time, I was fascinated with computers. Not just games, but computers in general. I knew my Dad worked for IBM, but didn't really know what he actually did (and still to this day don't think I could actually tell you). I knew my brother and Dad both contributed to an Atari computer magazine that we got regularly known as Page 6. And I knew all of my family, at one point or another, were keen computer users for various reasons. My Dad used it for "serious" software and subLOGIC's Flight Simulator II (which he insisted was "not a game" and was thus still counted under the "serious software" category"); my Mum liked the occasional blast on Millipede and Space Invaders; my brother was the one who was into games, though he had a much more active social life than I did, helped at least partly by being ten years my senior.

Since I determined quite early on that I rather enjoyed — or at least felt most comfortable — in solitude, I was grateful for the company of the computers of our household: initially the Atari 8-bit and ST, then later the MS-DOS and Windows 3.1/95/98 PCs. In the early days of the Atari 8-bit, I devoured books and magazines about the computer, typing in listings and learning how to program in BASIC myself. I never really got what I'd call good at it, but I developed a basic (no pun intended) competence that was greater than that of someone who just used their computer to play games.

But I also played games. A lot of games. I learned a lot from those games, too. Text adventures helped me with my reading (and, indirectly, my writing); keyboard-based games played a significant role in developing the typing skills I still have to this day; puzzle games helped me with my general intelligence and problem-solving; action games helped me develop my imagination and my motor skills.

It's stereotypical to say that "games help with hand-eye coordination", but I was diagnosed dyspraxic in primary school, which basically meant I was a bit clumsy with certain things; video games helped me feel like I was competent at something, even if I was unable to hold a pencil "properly". Playing games, and more broadly "going on the computer", was important to me. It felt like it was something I could enjoy without compromise; I didn't feel like I had to make any sort of adjustments, or have people "go easy on me" as I did in activities like sports. It was just something for me to enjoy. And, as I moved into my teens and broadened my circle of friends at secondary school, they proved to be a good backdrop for social interactions, too.

More often than not, if I went over to a friend's house or had a friend over to mine, we would spend our time playing games together, or at the very least just using the computer. I have fond memories of spending time with several friends just messing around with speech synthesis programs on the Atari ST and Amiga, and even programming in STOS, a dialect of BASIC for the Atari ST, or making silly in-joke games with Clickteam's wonderful Klik and Play and The Games Factory. I was happy that my formerly solitary activity was something I could share my enjoyment of with others.

This continued as I came to the end of my time at school and moved into university. I made new friends, at least partly through computing and video games, and many of those folks are people I still make an effort to spend time with today — even if sometimes that effort doesn't feel like it's reciprocated with quite the same enthusiasm. Computing and gaming remained something that was important to me, even as the Internet came into its mainstream ascendancy in the late 1990s.

I have some fond memories of those early days of the Internet. Chatting with strangers on CompuServe's "CB Simulator", aka just a public chatroom. Posting messages on CompuServe's GAMERS forum, which eventually let to me earning $200 for making ten Wolfenstein 3-D levels that were included in an official expansion pack. Chatting with my friends from my course on MSN Messenger. Randomly getting into a conversation with a young woman on AOL Instant Messenger, only to discover that, completely by chance, she was the housemate of one of my existing friends.

Computing was always there as part of my life, but I think a key difference between then and now is that in my formative years, it was there as a backdrop to socialisation, rather than the means of socialisation itself. The This Week in Retro listener commented that their children feel genuine anxiety and FOMO ("Fear Of Missing Out") if they have gaming time privileges revoked for whatever reason, because rather than Fortnite, Roblox and Minecraft being the backdrop for their socialisation, those activities are the socialisation.

There's also social media to take into account. I am genuinely glad that social media did not exist when I was a child, because I'm not sure I would have made it through my adolescence intact. Sure, there are positive aspects to it, such as being able to reconnect with people you haven't spoken to for a long time, but there's also the insidiously manipulative nature of all the major platforms today, and how none of them are really concerned with being a platform for communication; they are, instead, platforms for advertising.

The thing that really makes me feel like social media may well have done me in, though, is how easy it is for it to be used for bullying. I suffered a fairly significant amount of bullying throughout both my primary and secondary school life, and it was hell. It left me wary of trusting people; it made me frustrated about communicating with others; it made me feel like it was, at times, simply not worth making the effort to interact with people.

For a long time, I used to say that the Internet allowed me to "be myself" for the first time… well, ever, really. I could find like-minded people who understood me and respected me for who I was, and I felt like I was among friends. I don't feel that way any more; nowadays, I feel the same way about online interactions as I do about interacting with real strangers: genuine anxiety and fear. I dread getting notifications in apps or on websites where I've posted something publicly. And yet, I still do it — here I am, after all — because I feel like it's important to not let the bullies win, whether they're real or imagined. I need to feel like I can still express myself the way I want to express myself; to enthuse about the things I want to enthuse about. That's why I write here and on MoeGamer, and why I make videos over on my YouTube channel.

Even then, though, I feel a lot of frustration, because I know a significant portion of the world looks on the Internet, social media and general social interactions in a different way to me. That can often leave me feeling lonely and isolated. But the one thing I've always had as a constant is being able to immerse myself in a video game or other activity on the computer, and feel like I am, for once, at peace — even if, with each passing year, it feels like it's getting harder to share that haven of peace with others.

That went a tad deeper than I perhaps thought, and I'm not sure I have an answer to the original poster's questions or concerns. I do know, however, that spending time on the computer isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, particularly when it brings someone comfort and stability. It's when that "safe" activity starts to get "unsafe" things encroaching on it that you need to perhaps take action — but that's going to be something that is different for everyone. For me, it's meant largely removing myself from the public-facing part of the Internet except in places where I can very much control and curate my experience, and continuing to enjoy those things that I always have enjoyed in peace and quiet. No video game ever betrayed me, after all.

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#oneaday Day 15: Station on the Frontier

Right! Yes. I was going to talk about Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, wasn't I. Okay, let's do that.

I love Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, but I had a bit of a curious introduction to it. I grew up watching the endless reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC2 at 6pm; that tended to coincide with family dinner time, so we'd often watch it on the kitchen TV while having our food. When Deep Space Nine launched in 1995, though, I feel like our family were initially a bit resistant to it. It was, after all, very different from what had been, at that point, the only two prior Star Trek series; for one thing, there was very little actual "trekking", what with it being all set in one location, and the tone was very different from the optimistic nature of The Next Generation.

I kind of drifted away from it because of this; I personally hadn't really found anything to dislike about it, but the fact my parents didn't seem to enjoy it as much meant that I didn't derive quite so much pleasure from it if it happened to be on around dinner time. (And of all the Star Trek series, Deep Space Nine is arguably the one least appropriate for dinnertime viewing — not because it's particularly gory or anything, but simply because its rather bleak tone and uncompromising look at certain less glamorous aspects of life among the stars made it more of a "primetime evening" sort of show.)

I watched the odd episode here and there, but I didn't keep up with it. That all changed, however, when I spent a couple of weeks in London with my brother for my Year 10 work experience placement. Rather than be placed in the boring old local industrial area like most of my peers, I made arrangements to do my work experience in the PC Zone offices, since my brother was editor there at the time. I had a thoroughly enjoyable time, but that's probably a story for another day.

No, the thing I particularly remember from that trip, besides my time in the office, was some discussion over Star Trek: Deep Space Nine's fourth season — which had recently started being broadcast on Sky satellite TV at the time, as I recall; the BBC's reruns were a few seasons behind — and was just starting to come out on VHS cassette. I heard such enthusiasm for the new episodes from my brother and his peers that I wanted to find out a bit more about it for myself. So one lunchtime, I took a trip to the Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street, which was within walking distance from the Zone offices on Bolsover Street, and picked up video "4.1: The Way of the Warrior". And I watched that feature-length episode that evening on my brother's TV.

Not my copy; this is from a listing on eBay. I won't lie, it is tempting to grab this for old time's sake.

I was blown away; this was damned good TV, though I was quite conscious that I had clearly missed some rather important story beats somewhere along the way. Who were the Dominion? Why was Sisko now a captain, not a Commander? Why was he bald and bearded? Who was Kassidy Yates? What was up with the Klingons being all weird, after years of them being "no longer the bad guy" in The Next Generation?

I was confused, but enthralled nonetheless; after I got home, I started collecting the VHS cassettes from season 4 onwards. In retrospect, this was an enormous waste of money and space, since each tape only included two episodes and cost about £14.99, but as a teenager living out in the country, I didn't have much else to spend my money on at the time other than video games. I built up quite a collection, and also, on someone's recommendation, picked up the "3.1" volume "The Search", which helped me understand a bit better who The Dominion actually were.

After some time, though, I drifted away from Deep Space Nine again. As before, it wasn't that I disliked what I was seeing, but there were other factors at play — perhaps most notably the dawn of DVD as a distribution medium. By the time I got to university, DVD players were becoming much more accessible, and I was excited by all the movies I could now watch in what was, at the time, spectacularly good picture quality. I think at that point, collecting VHS tapes started to feel a bit less desirable — particularly since, as a student, I was living in a relatively limited amount of space.

As I recall, it took quite some time for all the Star Treks up to that point — The Original Series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Voyager — to make it to DVD, and I just sort of got out of the habit of watching them. There was always a little voice at the back of my mind, though, that said "one day, you should watch all of Deep Space Nine and Voyager". (I had, by this point, seen all of The Next Generation multiple times.)

I never quite got around to doing that. I started watching Star Trek on US Netflix for a while, but got fed up with having to use a VPN to do so, since they weren't on UK Netflix at the time. Then I pretty much fell out of the habit of watching long-form TV and movies altogether; I much preferred the more active sense of entertainment I was getting from video games.

Cutting out many intervening years in which nothing of any real relevance to this story occurred, for my birthday this year I was fortunate enough to receive a box set of Deep Space Nine from my brother, who, true to what he had always said, left a note saying "it's still the best one". And so, having set up my now-mostly dormant PS4 (my PS5 plays all my PS4 games now) in the bedroom, I decided to start watching an episode or two before going to sleep of an evening.

As I type this, I'm about two-thirds of the way through Season 3, and I am absolutely loving the show. It shows its age in some ways — an episode set in "the future" of the time when it was broadcast turned out to be 2024, for example — but it's definitely got it where it counts. Strong characters, excellent acting, compelling storylines, and above all, plenty of variety.

I'm not sure why my parents and I ever thought Deep Space Nine was "boring". Because it absolutely is not, even in the first three seasons, which are commonly regarded as "the bit before it gets really good". Some shows are epic in scale, while others are tight, character-driven pieces — and beneath it all, there's a sense of coherence that The Next Generation didn't really nail until its later seasons. This latter point is perhaps best exemplified by how, for quite some time, the best way to get The Next Generation VHS videos was not on an episode-by-episode basis, but in box sets that were each themed around a particular element of the show, such as Data, Q or the Borg. (I had several of these; they were cool display pieces as well as being pretty good value!)

The Data box set. Again, not my copy; this image is from fan wiki Memory Alpha. The back of the box opened up to reveal three VHS cassettes, with their cases designed to look like the positronic circuits inside Data's head.

Deep Space Nine is from that point where American television really seemed to latch on to the fact that audiences enjoy serialised stories. Sure, it's a risk — with heavily serialised shows, you run the risk of alienating anyone who isn't on board from the start — but Deep Space Nine manages to remain mostly accessible throughout, as shown by my jumping in at The Way of the Warrior all those years ago, while truly rewarding those who are in it for the long haul.

It's been a real pleasure to return to a series that, in retrospect, I've always liked a great deal. I feel I'm getting more out of it now than I did when I was younger — and this time, this time, I'm going to make it all the way to the end. I'm just a little sad that I never did so before several of the cast members passed away. But their memory shall live on.

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#oneaday Day 14: Sleep, Needed

In stark contrast to yesterday's very good sleep (albeit with interruption by noisily vomiting cat), last night I slept terribly. I went to bed with a pain in my back and took some painkillers, which helped a bit, but it took me ages to get to sleep and I woke up multiple times throughout the night. There wasn't even a good reason for it this time; Patti was, as usual, in her spot at the foot of our bed, but she wasn't in the way or being sick. I was just waking up and then taking a long time to actually get back to sleep again.

Still, it's the weekend now, so if I want to (I probably want to) I can have a nice lie-in tomorrow. I don't think we have anything vastly important planned for the weekend, so we can just have a bit of nice relaxing time, I can make some videos and we can generally recharge and recuperate ahead of it all starting again on Monday.

I'm not going to the gym or swimming today as I still feel extremely stiff and achey, not helped by the poor night's sleep. I have succeeded in my original goal, though, which was to get out of the house in the morning and do something active at least twice, and I think I will make some time over the weekend to go either swimming or to the gym, depending on their respective availability.

I'm feeling motivated to try and get things going back in the right direction, so it's a bit frustrating that it feels like my body is just going "eh, no" right this second, but I'm sure that's 1) a temporary thing and 2) something that I'll have to power through in the long term. I'm willing to put in that work, but there's also no rush to get it done. Past experience tells me that working up to things gradually is the way to go; try and do too much too soon and it's easy to completely lose all that motivation you'd built up. And I don't want that to happen.

Apropos of nothing, I thought I'd look back at what I was up to ten years ago today, since the long life of this blog means I can actually check such things. It appears that I was 1,615 posts deep into my original #oneaday effort, and I'd just watched a then-new show on the TV channel Dave known as Alan Davies: As Yet Untitled. I have no idea if this show is still running, but reading back over the post, I remember it being enjoyable, lightweight television that didn't demand too much of the viewer.

Reading that makes me think how much our relationship with media has changed in just ten years. Today, I'm very unlikely to watch anything "on television" (i.e. live broadcasts), and a lot of the stuff I do watch on a day-to-day basis is via YouTube. Right now, I am watching through all of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine on DVD as a bedtime activity, though, and that's a nice reminder of how enjoyable classic TV could be… hell, how enjoyable a show of that format still is.

In fact, I'm probably due some sort of retrospective post on Deep Space Nine and my relationship with Star Trek in general. Well, I guess that's a topic for tomorrow sorted! For now, though, my dinner is ready so I'm off to eat and then quite possibly to just collapse into bed aftwards.

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#oneaday Day 13: Sleep, Interrupted

At approximately 4.30am this morning, my cat Patti was sick all over the bed. I am annoyed by this, not because of the sick — Patti is very good at being sick, and we have come to accept this as just part of who she is — but because it interrupted what was, I'm pretty sure, one of the best nights of sleep I've had for a very long time.

Seriously. It was an unusually good night's sleep. So much so that when I awoke to the inimitable sound of a cat being sick — if you know, you know — my first thought was not "oh God, she's being sick" but "damn, that was an unusually good night's sleep". Closely followed by a frantic attempt to get Patti off the bed before she erupted, but sadly I was a little too late.

Rather than start a load of laundry in the middle of the night or sleep beneath a vomit-covered duvet, I instead went to hopefully continue that good night's sleep in the spare bedroom. My wife didn't wake up throughout any of this, I hasten to add, and the sick was enough on my side of the bed that I didn't think she'd accidentally come into contact with it while she slept, so I left her to it. She told me this morning that she woke up for a wee, was briefly confused by my absence and then accidentally put her hand right in it, after which she immediately understood why I had gone elsewhere.

As it happened, I did manage to get back to sleep surprisingly quickly, and while I didn't feel like getting up early today, I did feel quite refreshed when I did finally rouse myself. I had an interesting dream, too; I was visiting my old clarinet teacher from childhood, who had installed himself in a much bigger, nicer house than back when I really knew him. I recall complimenting him on his house and the huge plants he had in carefully labelled glass pots in his front garden, and him laughing that I thought he'd still be in the place I last saw him nearly 30 years ago. I woke up shortly afterwards.

Anyway, the reason I feel having a good night's sleep is worth commenting on is not just because it's already late in the afternoon and I haven't thought of anything to write, but because I've struggled for a long time with getting to sleep. But last night it just seemed to come nice and easily. Perhaps it's the exercise. Perhaps it was the warm milk. Perhaps it was the two episodes of Deep Space Nine. Perhaps it was a little of all of the above. But I hope I can make a habit of that.

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#oneaday Day 12: Establishing a Routine

I successfully got up early and went for a swim today. I'm actually surprised that I'm not struggling to get out of bed at 7am, given that one of the main reasons I was getting up five minutes before starting work was feeling super-tired in the morning.

I suspect it's something to do with circadian rhythms or something along those lines. There are apparently "sweet spots" of time when I am able to get up and get things done without difficulty, and times when it is not easy to haul myself out of bed and start the day. 7am appears, at the moment at least, to be one of those sweet spots. Around about 9am is another. 8am, meanwhile, is apparently a no-no for my body, for whatever reason. After 9am, judging by how late we tend to get up at weekends, the next sweet spots are several hours later.

Regardless of the reason for it, I'm feeling quite satisfied with myself for successfully making a start on establishing a new routine with morning exercise. It's still early days, of course, but I have at least reached my goal for this week, which was to make it out of the house before work to do some exercise at least twice. Given that the relatively "sudden" amount of exercise is making me a bit achey and stiff (not in a fun way), I'm of course going to be careful not to overexert myself, so tomorrow will either be a rest day, or a day in which I head out to the gym rather than the pool in the afternoon rather than first thing in the morning. Probably the former, if I'm being completely honest. One thing at a time.

I'm glad I've made that commitment to be a member at the leisure centre for a year. Their facilities are pretty good, and their timetable is friendly to someone who works for a living. One of the problems I had with the last place I was at a member at — the university — was that the timetable for the pool in particular was very tricky to get along with, as, being a university facility, it was often in use for things other than public swimming.

I also didn't like the university gym much; it tended to be a bit crowded, and it had a real problem with people just sitting on machines staring glassy-eyed at TikTok rather than actually getting the fuck on with their workout. I made sure to mention this in the obligatory "Tell Us How We Did!" survey after I ended my membership, and they did at least acknowledge that it was an issue. Whether or not they'll do anything about it is anyone's guess, but it's not my problem any more.

Anyway. My cat Patti is bugging me for attention and keeps clawing my leg as I type this, so I guess I better leave that there. Until next time!

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#oneaday Day 11: Direct to You

I did not manage to get up early and go for a swim today, but I wasn't really expecting myself to. Suddenly doing some exercise after a long period of… not doing that left me feeling a bit stiff (eyy) so I thought I would take today off and make an effort to go tomorrow. Easing into it and all that.

But that's not what I want to talk about today. Today was the latest Nintendo Direct, a presentation that many have been assuming will be one of the last big shows Nintendo do while the Switch is still their current platform. The Switch's as-yet unnamed successor has not yet been announced — and a clearly increasingly irritable Nintendo has been repeatedly pointing out that it has nothing to announce aside from the existence of a successor as yet — but it's clear that the console is currently doing its victory lap ahead of graceful retirement.

That does not mean there's nothing interesting coming for Switch, however! On the contrary, there were some really cool things showed at the Nintendo Direct, including some long-awaited news on Metroid Prime 4.

As always, the reaction to the show on the Internet has either been breathless enthusiasm or varying degrees of "well I never liked Nintendo anyway", but taking as balanced a viewpoint as is possible from someone who likes the Switch and probably uses it as his primary gaming platform, I thought it was a good presentation. Nothing earth-shatteringly amazing, but lots of things that were good. And, to be honest, that's absolutely fine.

A notable highlight from the show was definitely the new Zelda game, in which you get to play Zelda herself rather than Link. It adopts the same tilt-shifted toy-like style seen in the Link's Awakening remake from a while back; it's nice to see that applied to an all-original game rather than a remake.

One thing I've been puzzled by is the number of people who seem to just want "Zelda where you play as Zelda but she's just swinging a sword around like Link". This is not what we're getting with Echoes of Wisdom, as the new game is known, and as far as I'm concerned that's a great thing. Instead, we have the ability to capture "echoes" of objects and monsters in Zelda's wand, then summon these for various purposes. I can see this potentially being a very interesting mechanic, and a factor which sets Echoes of Wisdom apart from other Zelda games. I'm mostly just glad we're not getting another Breath of the Wild-style Zelda, though; Breath of the Wild was great and I'm sure Tears of the Kingdom is also, but Zelda is at its best when it's being experimental, interesting and notably different from one entry to the next.

Outside of Zelda, I was also thrilled to see the announcement of Ace Attorney Investigations for Switch, including the first ever official localisation of Ace Attorney Investigations 2. I was particularly pleased to see the game features the option to play with new high-res sprites or the original pixel art; that's a nice touch indeed, particularly as Ace Attorney Investigations has actual character sprites walking around as well as the animated busts seen in the rest of the series.

What else? Dragon Quest III HD-2D or whatever it's called looks great. I'm all for Dragon Quest being remade and made more generally accessible. It's curious that III appears to be coming out before I and II but I guess they had their reasons. I'm looking forward to giving it a go, and hoping that IV, V and VI get a similar treatment; I'm lucky enough to have copies of the DS versions (they're pricy these days!) but I would like to play them on the big screen.

The Hundred Line: Last Defense Academy looked very cool. I like the art style of the Danganronpa guy whose name I can never remember, and this looks like quite a different style of game. I dig it, but I'd like to see more of it.

The new project from Hironobu Sakaguchi and Nobuo Uematsu, aka the Final Fantasy grandaddies, looked a little underwhelming visually, but potentially mechanically interesting. I have faith that they can pull something cool out of the bag, based on their past post-Final Fantasy work together — The Last Story is a wonderful game, for instance.

Mario & Luigi getting a new entry in the form of Brothership is welcome news, even if I have never managed to get caught up on any of the Super Mario RPG-adjacent series. I do have a copy of the Super Mario RPG remake and Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door on Switch waiting for me to play, but it'll be after Final Fantasy XIV's new expansion Dawntrail before I get to those.

Metroid Prime 4 I'm excited to see on behalf of everyone else, even though my experience with Metroid pretty much starts and finishes with the excellent Super Metroid. I have the Wii version of Prime Trilogy to get to at some point, so I'll have to make the time for that. I liked Super Metroid a lot, so it's a series I've always been meaning to delve deeper into.

You know, the more I think about the Direct as a whole, the more I feel like it actually was a pretty strong one. I'm struggling to think of any games that were shown where I felt "ugh, this isn't for me". Sure, some certainly appeal more than others, but I'm pretty sure I could have some fun with absolutely everything that was shown off today. This is a good thing, and makes me feel like whenever the Switch's successor is finally announced, the good ol' Switch is still gonna be kicking for a while yet. And if Nintendo has any sense, said Switch successor will be backwards compatible. Here's hoping; sometimes they have sense, sometimes they do not.

So yeah. They did a good. I'm looking forward to finding out more about all the games they showed — not just the ones I remembered to talk about here — and feel pretty confident Switch will continue to bring the hits for quite some time to come yet.

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#oneaday Day 10: A Success

I did it! I got up at a sensible hour rather than 5 minutes before work started, I had a cup of coffee, then I damn well went for a swim. Did 20 lengths at my excruciatingly slow pace (I've never claimed to be good at swimming) and came home feeling surprisingly chipper. I hate it when those people who say exercise is good for you are right. But hey. You have to celebrate the small victories on the road to lasting change, or something.

One thing I found less than good about my trip to the pool today was the fact they've installed lockers that eat your 10p coins rather than letting you have your coin back when you're done. This would have been mildly annoying 10-15 years ago, but in an age where hardly anyone carries cash around any more it's absolutely infuriating. At least it's only 10p a time rather than a pound.

But I removed that from the equation, as the leisure complex in the town centre that I rather like and have been a member of numerous times in the past was running a very good deal on annual memberships, so I decided to make a proper commitment and signed up for a year of both swimming and gym membership. That gives me maximum flexibility without being beholden to things that have frustrated me in the past, such as the university pool's schedule and suchlike.

Said centre's pool is open from first thing in the morning (well, 7am) until mid-afternoon every weekday except Friday, and the gym is just… there. Having free access to both for the next year will be a positive thing, so long as I can motivate myself to actually get down there. And I think, as with anything, it's just a matter of establishing good habits — a process that starts right now, this morning, with my trip to the pool.

I don't like being unfit, unhealthy and lazy. In fact, it really sucks. It actively upsets me. But the trouble with being unfit, unhealthy and lazy is that it's something of a vicious cycle: being unfit, unhealthy and lazy makes you more unfit, unhealthy and lazy, and then because you're unfit, unhealthy and lazy the prospect of doing something to make you not at least one of those three things often feels like an insurmountable obstacle.

I'm feeling weirdly motivated right now, though. Perhaps I really am on the way back up after a bit of a mental health crash in the last few weeks or so. Here's hoping I can keep up the momentum and go the distance. I'll likely use this blog as one means of keeping myself vaguely accountable, so we'll see how things go.

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#oneaday Day 9: The Culture War is a Problem

Earlier today, someone I haven't spoken to for a while popped up on Steam and asked if I was OK, because I'd been "posting way more politically than usual" of late.

Confused, I asked for more details, since I wasn't aware I'd been doing anything of the sort, and it transpired that he somehow thought I ran the Twitter account for a certain website that I'm not going to name for reasons that will probably become obvious. (It's not Rice Digital, the site I used to be in charge of, before you wonder!) I explained that no, that was nothing to do with me, I had never written for that site and I wasn't even on Twitter any more, which I'm not.

Hopefully reassured, my acquaintance wished me well and that was the end of that.

He got me curious, though, so I went and looked at what the account in question had been posting, and it didn't take me long to stumble across what the issue was. It seems that the main problem stems from a story the site in question had recently posted that was, in essence, nothing but a rumour with sources that could be called questionable if one was being charitable, non-existent if one was being realistic. The thrust of the story was that it was one of many instances of a supposed conspiracy that "DEI" (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion) consultants are destroying modern gaming.

I'll address some things up front, because I have spoken about these things in the past, often critically, and I want to make it clear what my own stance on the situation is.

Diversity, equity and inclusion are not bad things. Do some companies and individuals take things a little too far in terms of pussy-footing around protected groups in an attempt to not offend anyone? Absolutely, particularly in the corporate space. Have there been instances of games journalists slagging off games that they knew nothing about because there was sexually suggestive content in them? Most definitely. Both of those things are, I believe, still worthy of criticism. Any creative work deserves to have a fair shake at expressing what its creators want to express without interference, and without those engaging with it treating it in bad faith.

However, this current conspiracy theory — and make no mistake, it really is a conspiracy theory — goes a lot further than those things. The current belief is that a cadre of games journalists and diversity consultants are running an extortion racket on game developers and publishers in the name of making all the women ugly and not white. To these people, if this situation continues unchecked, all of gaming will be completely destroyed, because having the opportunity to select your pronouns in a first-person role-playing game where you play a self-insert avatar is somehow responsible for the complete downfall of western society. It'll turn all your kids into immigrant transgender gays, I tells ya.

This is, of course, complete bollocks. It is true that the triple-A space has been making some marked steps towards improving diversity in many of its games, but as I've argued numerous times both here and over on MoeGamer, the triple-A space is just a tiny piece of the complete behemoth that is the games industry. Just because some triple-A blockbuster game has a woman with "woke chin" (an actual quote from one of these nutcases, criticising the new Joanna Dark for having a wider chin than she used to) does not mean that games with anime titties are going anywhere. Right now, you can play Final Fantasy XIV as a bunnygirl with big tits running around in bra and pants if you want, and Steam is filled with games where you can fuck your aunt. Hell, there are physical releases of Switch games that feature uncensored jizz-filled vaginas. Jizz! In a Nintendo game! (Actually, don't, you'll need to do more than blow in the cartridge afterwards if you do.)

Here's the thing: diversity means that you end up with diverse things. Some of those things will appeal to you, personally, while others will not. Those things that do not appeal to you, personally, are not a personal affront to you. Consider something that you really really love, but which other people don't seem to get. Now contemplate someone with a completely different worldview to you — be it a differing political ideology, racial background, sexuality, gender identity or any of the myriad other distinguishing characteristics we all have — finding something that they really really love, but which you don't seem to get. It's the exact same situation, only you're seeing it from the other side. Neither of those things cancel out the other.

The longstanding concern that this conspiracy theory stems from is that the growth in progressivism in the games industry — and particularly in games journalism — is somehow going to be responsible for the death of games that push boundaries or cater specifically to those with particular tastes, especially if those tastes are "playing games with conventionally attractive female characters in them". Well, ten years on from the shitshow that was GamerGate, I think we can say pretty conclusively that this has not happened. If anything, we're far more likely to encounter boundary-pushing games today than we were ten years ago… arguably to a fault, in some situations, such as with the amount of AI-generated "Hentai"-labeled crap that infests both the Nintendo eShop and Steam.

What we have now is a landscape that has changed. Triple-A may well be taking aim at a more diverse market, and that's entirely understandable, because with budgets spiralling out of control and layoffs happening left, right and centre, those games have to appeal to the broadest demographic possible. And just because some set-in-his-ways white dude doesn't like that a new big-budget game has black/gay/transgender/[insert minority group of choice here] people in it doesn't mean that others won't like it. It makes the most sense for triple-A to try and include as many people as possible, because, cynically speaking, that's how you make the money.

But the thing to remember is that none of this is "taking your games away" or "killing gaming".

I will freely admit that, ten years ago, I had some serious concerns that the strong push for progressivism in games journalism in particular would push certain forms of interactive media underground or possibly even cause them to dry up altogether. I almost certainly made some ill-advised comments during that time which are likely still on this blog and MoeGamer somewhere — but I'll say now, in 2024, those fears some of us had ten years ago completely failed to materialise, and I'm not afraid to admit that I was wrong about those things.

Triple-A has changed, yes. But ten years ago I wasn't concerned about triple-A because I'd bounced hard off that part of the industry several years prior — and I still don't care about triple-A today. I was worried about the games I did enjoy, which were B-tier titles, primarily from Japanese developers and publishers, that had a laser focus on their target audience.

Despite never engaging with triple-A beyond games with "Final Fantasy" in the title, I have never been short of things to play. If anything, I have too many things to play, as my rapidly filling shelves will attest. If I threw triple-A in the mix, I'd really be overwhelmed.

There's no "great replacement" of video games. There's no "DEI" or "Modern Audiences" conspiracy to make every woman in gaming ugly. There's no "extortion racket" causing games journalists to circle the wagons and protect a firm of diversity consultants from the "true gamers".

There is, however, a problem with intolerance. And it seems to be getting worse, fuelled by conspiracy theories such as this. I've seen way more in the way of racism, homophobia and transphobia in Internet comments — particularly in busy, public places such as YouTube and what is left of the burning garbage fire that is Twitter — than ever before.

Just last week I watched an episode of the Game Grumps' spinoff show Ten Minute Power Hour, in which Arin and Dan got gussied up as drag queens with the assistance of a professional. While there were plenty of comments in support of the episode — particularly as it aired during Pride Month, which is ongoing as I type this — there was some serious ugliness further down in the comments below where the moderators had been doing the majority of their work.

I'd say I was kind of shocked, but I've seen this intolerance and outright hatred rising over the last few years, and it's not pretty at all. It was particularly shocking to see it in the comments of a Game Grumps video, though; while the Grumps have toned down some of the more colourful elements of their humour over the last 10+ years — no more "Sad Hoshi" in an exaggerated faux Japanese accent, for example — they certainly have not, in any way, abandoned who they are or the overall vibe their humour creates. What has changed, however, is how vocal the intolerant and hateful have become.

Browsing Twitter as I was earlier, I stumbled across an absolutely enormous thread by one fan of the website that started this whole discussion, collecting "evidence" of the supposed conspiracy — actually just screenshots of games journalists saying that maybe this website shouldn't report on stupid rumours without even attempting to verify them, or commenting in support of progressive talking points. As I scrolled through page after page of this guy collecting these tweets, all I could think of was the old wisdom that if more and more people seem to be against you, perhaps you are the one who actually has the problem.

Look, I have absolutely no time for the militant end of the left wing. I find them insufferable, tedious and just plain annoying. But I feel like I'm seeing a lot less of them these days; the problem we have right now is coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. And it is a problem. When people like me, who have long made a specific effort to try and steer as clear as possible of anything even vaguely politically charged or controversial, are noticing an uptick in intolerance and hatred, there's definitely an intolerance and hatred problem.

It may be a cliché to say, but it sure would be nice if we could just all get along. We're talking about video games, after all.

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#oneaday Day 8: Escaping a Rut

Hello. As has probably been quite apparent from my last few posts, I've been in something of a rut mental health-wise for a little while now, and I've reached a point where I actively want to do something about it. Starting up the whole #oneaday thing again is part of that, but I also need to make some more active changes to my lifestyle in order to make progress.

Specifically, I need to get properly back into the swing of following Slimming World, as I've been a tad lax on that for the past few weeks, and I also want to try and get a bit more exercise. Along with that, I want to try and start my day a bit earlier rather than rolling out of bed and immediately into work.

Thus, what I would like to start achieving from the beginning of next week is getting up a couple of hours earlier, going to our local pool and having a swim before work. One of my big mental blocks with exercise is when I feel like it's encroaching on "my" time after work, and so going first thing in the morning is a good way of getting around that, since I don't count the period before work starts as really "my" time as such. This may sound daft to you, but it's the way my brain has always thought of things.

The difficulty is going to be actually getting up a couple of hours earlier. The reason I've fallen into the habit of getting up pretty much immediately before work starts is because I haven't felt like I've had anything to get up "for", but conversely this means that I don't want to get up any earlier than I do because my brain has come to think of those last few moments of sleep as somehow more precious than the rest of the night.

Part of this is to do with the "trapped inside your own head" phenomenon that I talked about the other day. I'm most likely to feel like I "can't" get up because I "need to finish" the dream I was having first thing in the morning, and that, for quite some time now, has prevented me from getting up at a sensible time. That, I feel, is going to be the most significant battle I face on the road to making a bit of morning exercise a regular routine.

Thing is, swimming is an activity I actually like doing, in contrast to a lot of other forms of exercise that I tend to feel negatively about. I find swimming both relaxing and invigorating; I know I'm not very good at it, but it's something that I simply like. And since it's something that, done enough, can actually be good for me, I feel like I should take advantage of that fact.

So, then, the challenge is going to be ensuring that I actually haul myself out of bed in time to go for a swim of a morning. My local pool does morning sessions every weekday morning between 7 and 9, and ideally speaking, I'd like to try and go every day. I feel like that might be an unrealistic target to begin with, though, so for the upcoming week I'm setting myself the goal of getting up and going swimming before work at least twice during the week.

I guess we'll have to wait and see how that goes. I'm trying not to contemplate "likely failure" before it happens, and go into this with a positive mindset. But we'll see, I guess!

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