I am having a rough time, I don't mind admitting. I was pretty open and honest about one of the things that was bothering me a few days ago, but it's just one of several things that have been mounting up and causing me a not-inconsiderable degree of grief and stress just recently.
I would like it all to stop, please.
The person I care most about in the world is suffering with pain that won't go away and that no-one seems to know how to fix. It's at a point where it's impacting both of our lives fairly significantly, but I don't know what to do about it. Well, I sort of do: there isn't really anything I can do about it myself, save for hanging in there and offering support when and how I can. I don't resent having to do that, of course, but it is exhausting.
Alongside that, I find myself worrying about doing the right thing with regard to working. I'm enjoying my current seasonal temp position in retail, but at the back of my mind is always the knowledge that I'm underpaid, overworked and overqualified; a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that I am 34 years old and should probably have done something a little more with my life by now.
The thing is, I've tried doing more with my life. I've tried being a teacher, and failed. I've tried having a "normal" office job, and failed. I've tried being a games journalist, and failed. In each and every instance, I've been pushed out by some combination of me being unable to stand up to people being assholes, my own declining mental health, my own lack of self-confidence and, on several occasions, events that were completely beyond my control.
It really, really blows to feel like you've wasted so many years of your life, and that you're stuck on the "bottom rung" of the career ladder. It makes me feel guilty for enjoying the work I'm doing, because I "should" be doing more. But the thing is, I don't really feel like I want to be doing more, nor do I feel like I'm entirely capable of doing more. My experiences since leaving university have proven to be such repeated and violent blows to my own sense of belief in my own abilities that I just want to be able to get on with things and let progress happen naturally if it's warranted.
I really don't know what to do any more. I guess I just have to ride this particular mental storm out, just as I've ridden out all the previous ones I've suffered over the years. This one feels like quite a bad one, but I can't give up; I mustn't give up. Giving up will simply make everything worse.
Forgive the self-pity, but as you can probably tell, I'm not in a great place right now. You will, dear reader, hopefully understand if I am somewhat out of sorts and in need of venting a bit of steam over the next few days, weeks, months…
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I think everyone at our age thinks that they should have done more with their life…But read your next paragraph again – you've done loads of stuff, and don't confuse a career just not being for you with failing at it. If you didn't like it, you tried something else. That's a lot better than doing something you hate at 25 and sticking at it until you retire. I don't hate my job, but I've been doing it for 12 years and often wonder if there are other things I should have tried (i'm not counting mastering the deep fat fryer at the Bassett!).
If you're enjoying what you're doing at the moment, stick with that until you're not enjoying it.
Hang in there Pete. You've still got lots of strong social links and plenty of friends who care deeply about both you and Andie in your corner.
Everybody goes through periods of doubt – I believe it's a symptom of the modern age. I don't think I know a single person – myself included – who doesn't struggle regularly with problems of identity, pressure and the nagging feeling that they're not doing enough or realizing enough potential — that they're stalled somehow. I think it's important to remember (as media often reinforces) that life ought to be what happens in the margins of these activites. Regardless of whether you work in retail or service or are unemployed or NEET or whatever. My grandmother's recent passing and the experience of seeing the dozens and dozens of people coming out commemorate and remember a person who was, superficially, never more than a 'common housewife' reinforced my belief that life isn't about having the biggest bank account or the requisite 2.5 kids or whatever, it's about connections with other people.
Do you know the Rat Park experiment? It's an interesting investigation into addiction, but it's also an important meditation into the effects of isolation and the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness that being cut off from our social links can have on the soul. I think you can swap the cocaine water in this experiment in for a lot things. More info here if you aren't familiar. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg
My suggestion is to try and take up some activities or interests that get you out and about in the living world, in direct connection with more people. As the rats (and many anime and VNs prove) the worst thing you can do for your own health is to try and go it alone.