#oneaday Day 925: Mixed feelings

I went to the gym this evening, and I'm torn between feeling pleased with myself that I got off my arse and did something vaguely good for me, and feeling demoralised at what a terrible state my body is in.

It was already in a terrible state before the pandemic hit, but it's a real mess now; I could barely manage a minute on the cross-fit things, the exercise bike was more manageable but left me drenched in sweat after what normal people would probably call "mild effort", and all the resistance training machines were hard work and, at times, mildly painful.

I think most of my frustration comes from the fact that I know I used to be in a better condition than this. I was never in great condition, no, but I was in much better condition than this. So part of me, while I was at the gym, was wondering if it was all worth it if it's this easy to let everything go to pot. While the more rational side of my brain was telling me that taking things very slowly, one step of a time, will allow me to approach and perhaps exceed how I was before.

I'm feeling demoralised because I know I need to lose weight — it's not I want to lose weight, it's I need to lose weight. But I am prone to self-sabotage and a vicious cycle that I have, to date, found it largely impossible to break free of.

Here's how it goes. I am very overweight. I have a hernia that is exceedingly painful if the slightest pressure is applied to it, or sometimes if the day has an "A" in it. I cannot get the hernia fixed unless I lose weight. I make a plan to lose weight. I attempt to follow through on it. The pain of my hernia makes me miserable. I eat as a coping mechanism to deal with being depressed. 20 GOTO 10

"Just stop eating as a coping mechanism" is obviously the clear solution, or at the very least "eat better things as a coping mechanism". But as anyone who has had any sort of contact with mental health will know, it's not that simple. Sometimes your body and mind craves things, and will not feel satisfied until it is supplied with those things that it craves. And substitutes don't work; I'm never going to fend off a chocolate craving with the disgustingness that is a chia seed pudding with cocoa in it.

It is, as the diet experts say, about making better choices. The trouble with mental health is that your brain isn't always in the best position to make sensible choices, and thus mistakes are often made.

Still, as other hypothetical people say, recognising a problem is the first step in dealing with it, so I guess it's just a case of taking things a step at a time and seeing if I can make myself feel a little bit better and more positive about myself, bit by bit. It's not easy. Some days it feels impossible. But I can only try.