2308: An Open Letter to @wilw About Games as a Lifeline, “Male Tears” and Inexplicable Blocks

Hi Wil,

You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. Apparently I’ve done something to offend you in the past, though, because you have me blocked on Twitter. I don’t know why and I don’t know when this happened because as far as I know, we’ve had no direct interaction on any occasion ever, but I will apologise for whatever it was anyway. I will also express my sincere disappointment that someone I used to look up to as a bastion of what modern nerd culture should aspire to feels somehow threatened or upset with something I’ve done in the past — threatened or upset enough to simply cut me off from the prospect of ever interacting with him.

I was an avid viewer of many of the Geek and Sundry videos when it first launched — particularly Tabletop, which introduced my friends and I to a number of board games that are still in our regular rotation. Tabletop was an excellent show that gave a good flavour of how the various games played — even if there were occasional bits of fuzzing over the rules in the name of keeping things snappy! — as well as providing a great opportunity for some of the most entertaining, fun people in geek culture to come together and have a good time. A good time that was infectious — so enjoyable was the atmosphere on Tabletop that it felt like the audience was right there with you all, sitting around the game table, rooting for your favourite player to win and commiserating with you when you inevitably came lost. (As the resident person in our tabletop gaming group who perpetually comes last in pretty much everything, I could relate to your position quite a bit.)

On a more serious note, nerd culture in general is something that I’ve talked a lot in the past about giving me a lifeline when I needed it. In the case of video games, they’ve provided a constant and much-needed centre of stability in a life that has often been chaotic and beyond my control and understanding; in the case of tabletop gaming, they provide one of the few means of face-to-face social interaction in which I feel completely comfortable, whether it’s with close friends or, as it was for me this Friday evening just gone, complete strangers. I think it’s the fact that interactions over a tabletop game are, for the most part, clearly structured: it’s why I gravitate towards games with clear rules, turn structures and player roles as well as those with strong themes that include flavour text I can read out dramatically to our group. Conversely, those games that require a certain degree of negotiation or freeform interaction are those I feel less comfortable with, since I’m sometimes not quite sure what I’m “supposed” to say.

But all that’s by the by; it’s just a bit of context of who I am. Needless to say, games of both the video and tabletop variety are extremely important to me; as you said in your keynote speech at PAX East in 2010, “some of the happiest days of our lives would not exist without games and gaming. Games are important. Games matter.” I agree entirely, and when I took a risk, flying from the UK to Boston, MA for that PAX East — my first time attending such an event, and only, I think, the second time I’d taken a solo trans-Atlantic flight — I found somewhere that I really felt like I belonged. My life was, at that point, a bit of a mess: my marriage was falling apart — my wife at the time would go on to leave me shortly after I returned from Boston — and I didn’t have a reliable source of income. Games gave me a sense of being grounded; somewhere to retreat to when I couldn’t face the terror that everyday life at the time confronted me with. Games gave me common ground with which I could interact with other people; games gave me something to talk about, something that I could call “mine”.

That time in my life was turbulent. I’ve had ups and downs since then, and as I type this I’m very much in a “down”. Over the years since 2010, I’ve come to recognise the importance of acknowledging one’s emotions, the causes of these emotions and the ways to deal with them. I’m not afraid to cry as I once was back in high school; as someone who sometimes has difficulty expressing exactly what he wants to say verbally, there are times when bursting into tears says more than words ever can; there are others when the act of opening those floodgates allows the repressed emotions to be released in a more controlled manner once you’ve calmed down a bit, letting you communicate what’s really bothering you after the storm has subsided. Crying is important. Crying matters.

Which is why this image you posted on Twitter bothers me so much:

For anyone reading this letter who doesn’t already know, the expression “male tears” is usually used by the more toxic side of online activism as a means of demonising men — usually straight, white men — when they wish to express themselves. It’s largely brought out during arguments between the more militant side of feminism and those — usually, but not exclusively, men — who are tired of all the sociopolitically charged fighting that takes place every day on the Internet, particularly those who fight back somewhat aggressively with foul language, threats and exhortations for people to kill themselves. The “joke”, such as it is, is that all this unpleasantness just bounces off the noble “progressive” types — referred to disparagingly by their critics as “Social Justice Warriors” or “SJWs” for short, an epithet which these people flip-flop between absolutely hating and trying desperately to reclaim in the same way black culture has largely reappropriated “nigga” for itself — and is just interpreted as straight, white men crying about something not going their way for once; the fact that “male tears” is written on a mug allows the “progressive” activist the opportunity to drink from it, suggesting that they relish the opportunity to feed on the tears of their enemies.

Pretty unpleasant however you look at it, and while the original intention may not have been to reinforce traditional ideals of what these same people call “toxic masculinity” — stereotypes such as “big boys don’t cry” and “be a man for once” — I can’t help but look at it that way. Speaking as a (straight, white) man who does cry, isn’t ashamed of the fact that he cries and, in fact, has cried quite a bit over the last few months due to his own life situation and the suffering of the person he loves most dearly in the world: to see the idea of “male tears” used so gleefully and indiscriminately as a means of oneupmanship, of proving one’s “progressiveness” feels grossly distasteful and insensitive. To have it proudly promoted by someone I once looked up to as almost an idol; someone I thought I could aspire to follow in the footsteps of; someone who proved that a person with my interests could find success and a place for themselves in the world? That just feels like a stab in the back, with a few good twists for good measure.

I don’t deserve to feel like that, and I’m pretty certain I’m not the only person who feels this way. Some may express their disappointment and upset with this more eloquently or more aggressively than others, but however they choose to register their discontent and however much or little I agree with their methods of expressing it, I understand it completely. As someone who, now 35 years of age, was often ostracised and ridiculed for his interests and hobbies in his youth, was subsequently delighted when geek culture started to become fashionable over the course of the last decade and most recently has noted with a growing sense of discomfort that the things he finds most relatable, most important to him are those that are getting relentlessly torn down in the name of being “progressive”? It hurts. A lot.

I haven’t done anything wrong. I haven’t hurt anyone. I just want to be left alone to enjoy the things I enjoy with friends who also enjoy those things, and likewise to leave those who are interested in different things to do what they enjoy. I don’t care about this perpetually raging culture war that has all but destroyed meaningful online discourse around video games in particular over the last five or six years, and put a serious strain on a number of friendships. I don’t believe in a “one size fits all” approach to inclusivity and diversity, which is what many “progressive” types seem to argue for; I instead subscribe to a “many sizes fit many” ethos, which makes for a more vibrant, interesting and cross-pollinating culture in the long-term. And yet somehow, at some point, I’ve been branded with a scarlet letter, thrown in the pit with all the other social rejects. I’ve also been called a paedophile, a pervert, a misogynist and plenty of other things besides. My crime? I like Japanese video games with pretty girls in, and frequently argue against the misrepresentation of these games as soft porn in the mainstream press by those who won’t take the time to engage with them.

Frankly, the whole situation makes me want to cry, but now I feel I shouldn’t, because it will just, apparently, give you some sort of satisfaction. And that, to be honest, seems like the very inverse of your own credo, your own Wheaton’s Law, of “Don’t be a dick!”

You almost certainly won’t read this, Wil, because having blocked me on Twitter I’m not sure there’s any way you’ll see it outside of someone you haven’t blocked directly sharing it with you, and I don’t see that happening. But I wanted to post it anyway; even if you don’t read it, hopefully it will bring some sense of comfort to those who feel the same way I do about all this; put some feelings into words; provide a sense of solidarity.

As you argued in your speech, this feeling of solidarity, of belonging, is extremely important. We should all strive to help each other feel like we belong doing the things we love with the people we love in the places we love. With photos like the one posted above, you deliberately block off people from feeling like they can engage with this part of culture they adore, and people they might well otherwise get on with. And whether or not you believe that “male tears” only applies to men who don’t know how to behave themselves politely and appropriately, know that it can — and will, and has — been interpreted in a way that just comes across as exclusive, combative and gatekeeping: the exact opposite of what you yourself argue we should aim for.

This whole situation needs to stop, as soon as possible. I hate it. Everyone else I know hates it. Can’t we all just get around a gaming table and settle this the old-fashioned way: with dice, cards and chits — maybe even some fancy miniatures?

Thank you for your time, and thanks for reading, whether you’re Wil Wheaton (unlikely) or some random passer-by who just wanted to see what I had to say.

Love & Peace
Pete

2287: Deep Dungeon is Exactly What FFXIV Needs

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I got burnt out on Final Fantasy XIV a little while back and haven’t felt particularly tempted to go back since — especially since my Free Company had been less than conversational for the last few months, making even the social aspect of the game less worth logging in for than it had been.

At PAX East this week, Square Enix announced an exciting new plan for some future content that has me clamouring to get back to the game once it releases: a new type of activity called Deep Dungeon, which will be familiar to fans of both Final Fantasy Tactics’ Midlight’s Deep optional dungeon and Final Fantasy XI’s Nyzul Isle.

It sounds as if Deep Dungeon is going to be a discrete type of activity for players to participate in, with the eventual plan presumably being to have a number of different dungeons for players to challenge. Initially, there will be just one, called Palace of the Dead.

The reason this excites me so much is because it shakes up the established formula of Final Fantasy XIV — which, don’t get me wrong, I like very much, but just needed a break from, thanks to the necessity of grinding the same content week after week in order to obtain the next incremental upgrade. Unlike the current substantial array of static content available in the game, Deep Dungeon has a strong random element, plus a great deal more flexibility than the rest of the game’s reliance on the MMO “Holy Trinity” of tank, healer and DPS.

Deep Dungeon sees you and up to three friends tackling a randomly generated dungeon. It also has its own progression system separate from the main game’s experience and item levels, mitigating the issue the game currently has of a significant proportion of players outgearing the majority of the current content. The in-game reasons for this are that the dungeon saps your character’s strength, and in order to power back up again you’ll have to make use of items you find within the dungeon itself, progressing and regaining your strength as you proceed.

If it’s anything like Final Fantasy XI’s Nyzul Isle — which FFXI veterans inform me, it sounds very much like — then each floor of the dungeon will not only be randomly generated, but it will also have various objectives to complete, as well as challenging boss fights every so often. It sounds like a lot of fun — and I really like the fact that it’s seemingly flexible enough to cater to any party makeup from 1-4 players, hopefully leading to some interesting combinations of classes exploring the depths. All-tank runs? Bring it on!

I have questions that will hopefully be answered in the coming months: firstly, what will the point of Deep Dungeon be? Will it be another means of acquiring progression currency, or will it be a completely separate activity? My main concern with it is that it ends up being a Diadem, which sounded awesome in concept but turned out to be a bit toss when it was actually released. Part of this was down to player attitudes, admittedly, rather than any real fault with the content itself, but hopefully the smaller scale of Deep Dungeon will mitigate this risk somewhat.

To be honest, if Deep Dungeon proves to be a significant enough challenge with enough variation on each run, I can see it becoming one of my main activities in Final Fantasy XIV, particularly if I have the option of running it either solo or with friends. And with the promise of score rankings coming in a future update, there’s the distinct possibility of some friendly competition, too.

The first Deep Dungeon, Palace of the Dead, is due to arrive in the game as part of Patch 3.35. I’m planning on jumping back into the game around Patch 3.3 to find out what happens next in the main scenario quest — the story is getting very interesting — but if Deep Dungeon lives up to its potential, 3.35 will see me getting back into things in a big way.

Please don’t mess it up, Yoshi-P and co. I have faith in you!

1877: Aaaaand We’re Back

Made it home, though my last flight from Dublin back to Southampton was delayed by two hours and the heating appeared to be broken in the part of Dublin’s airport that I had to wait for my flight in. It was very cold indeed and not the sort of experience I wanted before 7am. But the time eventually passed — assisted partly by Criminal Girls, whose “Education Block” chapter has made the whole experience very much worthwhile — and I got on the noisy shed-with-wings that was to carry me back to my home town, and that was that.

Unfortunately, the two-hour delay meant that I missed out on a few hours of work (and, consequently, money) today, but there’s not a lot I can do about that, unfortunately. I have several hours of work tomorrow, though, so that will help, and from here I can start trying to get myself into some sort of routine, working on various different things over the course of the week in an attempt to (hopefully) make ends meet somehow.

I’m a little worried about the future, to be perfectly honest. Right now it’s quite difficult to determine quite how much money I’ll be able to get rolling in each month, but I guess that’s something I’ll be able to figure out with time — coupled with determining how much time I need to spend chasing paying work up, and how much time I have to pursue other projects which may or may not lead to something. It’s anxiety-inducing, but at least it’s not stressful and soul-destroying in the same way that being systematically bullied out of a “regular” job has proven to be on more than one occasion in my life. So I guess there’s that.

In the meantime, I have some fond memories of the weekend just gone to look back on, and I’m glad about that. We’ve already been confusing people with talk of vampire zombie maids and poisonous war elephants, and it’s clear that everyone had a good time, albeit an exhausting one.

I shall sleep extremely well tonight, I’m sure. At 20 past 10 in the evening, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open; I did the final boss of Syrcus Tower in Final Fantasy XIV mostly with my eyes shut. (It’s quite easy.) So I think it’s probably time to admit defeat to the exhaustion of the last few days that has finally caught up with me, slump into bed and fall asleep. That, at least, is satisfying; while I’m sad to have left my friends behind, it’s also good to be home, and back to my own bed.

1876: Connecting Flight

Good morning from Dublin! Today has been a very long day. Technically it’s already “tomorrow” but I haven’t yet made it home from Boston (my connecting flight leaves in a couple of hours) so I thought I’d take the opportunity to scribble a quick post.

This PAX weekend has been pretty much everything I hoped it would be. I had a great time with my friends, I saw some cool stuff at the show and I picked up some fun swag.

Most importantly, we successfully carried a number of formerly Internet-only relationships into the offline realm. Doing this is always a nerve-wracking experience — regardless of whether said relationship is platonic, romantic or anything else — and so it’s always a pleasure when things come together and we all get along.

I actually wasn’t too worried this time around, though. Something brought us all together in the world of Final Fantasy XIV and the fact most of us have been together for nigh on two years now says something positive about us and what we mean to one another. There have been tough times, as with any relationship, and people have come and gone over time, but the people with whom I spent my weekend represent a core group that I have always very much enjoyed spending virtual time with — and it turns out I enjoy spending real time with, too. It’s just a pity we’re all so scattered.

“I’m glad everyone is exactly how they seem to be,” said one of our number last night, possibly slightly fuelled by a beer or two. “It means that everyone’s genuine. And that we’re all as fucked up as each other.”

That latter point is key, and not necessarily a bad thing. Almost without exception, we’ve all had Shit to Deal With to varying degrees over the years, and our adventures in Eorzea have provided not only some much-needed escape at times, but also an outlet through which we can talk about the things that have been bothering us with like-minded individuals.

And that is immeasurably valuable; in an age where it seems people are drifting further and further apart from one another for various reasons, it’s comforting to have a group that is pretty much always there for you. I know I’m grateful for these friends, and I’m sure they are too.

Now coffee is calling, closely followed by a connecting flight, a taxi ride back home and then almost straight back out (hopefully with time for a shower first!) to go and teach clarinet to kids. It’s all go, huh. I shall sleep well tonight, for sure.

1875: Ohayou, Goshujin-Sama

Third day of PAX East today, but the main thing I want to talk about tonight is what we’ve been collectively doing for the past couple of hours: creating characters in Maid: The Role-Playing Game, an anime-inspired tabletop roleplaying game that I hadn’t even heard of this weekend.

Maid is a peculiar and hilarious game, heavily based on random generation. Of course, you can pick and choose the characteristics you want to customise things a bit more, but the true joy of character creation in Maid comes from rolling dice and seeing what on Earth happens.

For example, the character I rolled was a boyish lolita (who actually is a guy) with an overactive imagination who was born into a hereditary line of maids and who binge eats when she has a “stress explosion”. Another character rolled by one of our number was a super-cool blind ninja maid who wields a raygun (called Ray Charles… work it out) and who is actually a traitorous infiltrator of the master’s household. There’s a huge combination of characteristics, which make for some hilariously complex and deeply flawed characters.

We’ve spent about two hours creating characters and haven’t actually tried playing the game at all yet, but it’s been an absolute blast. From what I understand, it can be played in three different ways: purely based on randomly generated events, as a more structured “adventure” or in a competitive manner where all the maid players are attempting to win as much “favour” from the master as possible.

I’ve ordered my own copy of the game, since when I went to try and pick it up today at PAX it had sold out — apparently it’s been a popular product for the past few years ever since it first came to light. Fortunately, I found that Amazon had a copy for a pretty cheap price, so I’m looking forward to perusing it at my leisure when I get home. And perhaps — hopefully — convincing some of my more open-minded friends to give it a try at some point!

It’s a fine example of the creativity that you’ll come across if you head a little bit off the beaten track — not just in video games, but also in tabletop games and other media, too. It’s a gloriously chaotic game that doesn’t take itself anywhere near as seriously as some of the more established tabletop role-playing games — not that that’s anything negative in itself, but sometimes you don’t want the hardcore “weight” of a Dungeons and Dragons and just want to play something a little… ridiculous. And Maid certainly appears to cater to that.

Can’t wait to give it a proper try.

1874: PAX East, Day Two

Day two of PAX East today, and I’m getting much the same feeling as I had last time I came: the feeling that I’m among “my people”, and that everyone here is having a good time, whether they’re fat bearded nerds wandering around ogling the latest excitingness in gaming or computer parts, or some of the staggeringly beautiful cosplayers who have been gracing the show floor.

Today we caught the Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward panel, which gave some details about the upcoming expansion pack for the reason we’re all here. It’s releasing on June 23rd, so that’s some time to get caught up — though it’s also just before our wedding, so… well. Honeymoon in Eorzea it is… or, rather, honeymoon in Ishgard, I should say.

One thing that’s struck me during this visit is quite what an all-encompassing medium video games is. People here are passionate about their hobby. In the Final Fantasy XIV panel, for example, people gave director/producer Naoki Yoshida two standing ovations (aside: how many other game makers can truly boast a fanbase that passionate?) Elsewhere, there’s beautiful artwork based on video games, live music performances based on classic video game tracks, incredible, distinctive T-shirt designs and all manner of other goodness. It’s a pleasure to be a part of.

I’ve managed to pick up a couple of PSone games that I used to own, too; there’s quite a few “retro” game stores around the show floor, so I’ve managed to pick up copies of Parasite Eve, which I played back in the day, and Chrono Cross, which never released in Europe and which I’ve always been curious to play. I don’t know if I’ll play them immediately, but I’m happy to have them on my shelf.

Tomorrow I’m not sure what the plan is, but hopefully we’ll have the opportunity to get our hands on a few games. There’s a few interesting indie games that I’m hoping to have a play around with, ranging from the entertaining-sounding party game Move or Die to some Japanese PC doujin goodness from Playism.

For now, we’re probably going to play a maid-themed RPG then head to bed. I’m exhausted, but I’m having a great time.

1873: PAX East, Day One

Day one of PAX East 2015 today, and we had a pretty good day, though my legs haven’t ached this much for a very long time. It’s been quite some time since I had occasion to stand up for the vast majority of the day, let alone walk around a whole bunch, and consequently it’s been a bit of a shock to the system!

We’ve seen plenty of cool stuff, though, and we exhibited our pro-1337 Final Fantasy XIV skills in public by expertly taking down Shiva in a single attempt in front of everyone, then getting a T-shirt and a patch for our efforts. We also got a brief look at Final Fantasy Type-0 HD, which is looking lovely, but we didn’t get close enough to have a play because the line was too long. (In fact, the guy manning the line pretty much gave us posters to get us to go away.)

I got to see my former colleague Cassandra over as Ysbryd Games, too — she didn’t recognise me at first as, I quote, “there are a lot of white dudes with beards here”, but halfway through her sales pitch for the excellent VA-11 HALL-A she realised who she was speaking to and whisked me behind the booth’s curtains for a private look at the demo build without having to wait for people to finish playing it on the show floor. VA-11 HALL-A is looking wonderfully promising, incidentally; one to keep an eye on, for sure, as I noted when I last took a peek at it over at MoeGamer.

Then this evening we sat in on a Giant Bomb panel which was pretty entertaining — though, I must confess, not being a particularly regular viewer of their content, some of the references went right over my head. They’re a charismatic, entertaining bunch, though, and clearly comfortable dealing with the public even when they ask awkward questions.

Tomorrow will probably be slightly more laid back. We’re getting there reasonably early in time for the Final Fantasy XIV panel, which will reveal some of the first concrete details of the upcoming expansion Heavensward, and from there… well, who knows.

For now, though, bed is calling. Very loud.

1872: Long Trip

I’m in Boston! PAX East proper starts tomorrow, so today was all about actually getting to the place, getting together with people and then just bumming around to have a bit of fun.

I was a little stressed out at the prospect of the journey, to be honest. When I’m going abroad, I usually travel with other people whom I can rely on and ask questions of, so this was a relatively new experience to me. Still, I got through safely, and my bag even arrived at the same time as I did, which is the main thing I was worried about.

The reason I was a little anxious was that this was also the first time I’d taken a multi-stage trip to the States — in this case, flying from my local airport Southampton to Dublin, then onwards from there to Boston. I was particularly interested to discover that Dublin airport has a “pre-clearance” area for visitors to the States. I hadn’t come across this before, but it appears to be an extremely good idea: rather than wasting hours of time after you’ve been stuck on a plane for hours, pre-clearance allows you to do all the immigration and passport control nonsense before you actually take your flight. It’s actually sort of surreal; it looks like you’re entering the States — there are pictures of Obama and everything — but in reality you’re just heading for a normal airport gate.

When I arrived at Boston I successfully navigated the subway system to the hotel I’m staying at with my friends; this cost a fraction of the price of getting a cab, so it was an infinitely preferable option given that my funds are somewhat limited at present.

I’m not sure what we’re going to see at PAX tomorrow; for one thing, we’re probably going to take on the Final Fantasy XIV battle challenge and fight Shiva in the hope of winning a T-shirt, but other than that, I couldn’t tell you yet.

For now, though, it’s after midnight (here) and my body clock still probably reckons it’s about 6:15 in the morning, so I better go to bed. Night!

1871: Imminent Departure

In a few short hours, I’m catching a flight to Dublin… and then on to Boston, Massachusetts (or however you spell it) to attend video game expo and general nerd convention PAX East.

I’m really looking forward to it. Last time I attended, as I’ve mentioned previously on here, was back in 2010, when I was going through a bit of a shitty time in my life. Once again, it seems, my trip to the States has coincided with a somewhat shitty time in my life, albeit for different (and slightly less horrible, though not by a huge amount) reasons than last time around. Once again, I am looking to the trip to take my mind off things for a few days and to remind myself that yes, I do have friends, not everything in life is terrible and that sometimes, occasionally, it is possible to have a good time and be happy.

I’m not sure what I’m going to see at PAX. In some ways, I’m not even sure I care too much; I’m going more for the overall experience, to have the opportunity to see some things I might not normally have the opportunity to see, and to hang out with friends who have become an important part of my life. It’s not the first time I’ve met a group of “Internet friends” and made their real-life acquaintance, but it is the first time I’ve done so with a single game we all play together as a basis.

I ended up having a somewhat heartfelt discussion with my Free Company-mates in Final Fantasy XIV the other night, and I admitted that the game had been something of a “lifeline” for me through some difficult times. I was unsurprised to discover that I was far from the only person who felt that way; the frequency with which I see my virtual comrades online makes it abundantly clear how important the experience is to them, for various reasons — be it the opportunity to hang out with virtual friends, to go on virtual adventures, to try and be the best at a challenging game or any other reason people might have to log in day after day.

The “friends” part is important, though. We’ve all “known” one another for a good proportion of time now; some of us have been playing the game since beta, which means we’ve been playing for coming up on two full years. Others joined more recently but integrated themselves into the overall group without too much trouble; other people left and went their own way; others took a break and came back, hopefully to stay. Being a cooperative game, it’s a game that is, at least in part, about trust: everyone has a role to play. People trust the tanks to keep the rest of the party from being punched in the face. People trust the healers to keep them alive. People trust the damage-dealers to kill things as quickly and effectively as possible. Together, it’s a wonderfully satisfying feeling, and the more we’ve played together — because most of us will partner up with one another rather than strangers by preference — the more we’ve come to know each other, trust one another and have fun together.

This is why I’m looking forward to PAX. It’s an opportunity to hang out in the flesh with these people I’ve come to regard as real friends. Even if very few of us are as pretty (or, indeed, as female!) as our in-game characters. 🙂

Updates may be sporadic over the next few days as I’ll be reliant on public/hotel Internet, but expect something from me… hopefully! If not, I’ll write stuff anyway and publish in a big splurge when I get back. 🙂

#oneaday Day 809: PAX Pact

Disclaimer: I’m aware that I wrote almost exactly the same post as you’re about to read at this time last year, and for that I make absolutely no apologies.

It’s PAX East time! Yay! I’m not there! Boooo.

I’ve not been to many conventions or big shows like that over the years, so I have very fond memories of those I have been able to attend. My decision to attend PAX East in 2010 was very much a spur of the moment thing — I’d decided I wanted to leave my primary school teaching job because I’d given it a chance and determined it wasn’t for me, I was trying as hard as I could to pursue a career in the Writing Words About Games industry, and I was feeling a bit miserable and lonely. So, with a little financial help, I flew across the pond to Boston and went to my first big show in America.

It was an exciting time for a number of reasons. I’d just started working for Kombo.com which, while it didn’t pay particularly well, provided me with a position where I could legitimately say I was a professional member of the games press. I knew that a large number of my buddies from communities such as Bitmob and The Squadron of Shame would be in attendance, so I’d have the opportunity to meet some people face to face. And I always love the opportunity to visit the States. I’d never been to Boston before, and while I was under no illusions that I’d be seeing much of the city while I was there, I was looking forward to being Somewhere New.

It was also terrifying. As a sufferer of social anixety at the best of times, the prospect of meeting people I’d only ever talked to on the Internet in the past was a scary one. What if we didn’t get on? What if it was a massive disaster and it destroyed the carefully-cultivated relationships we’d built up with one another? What if I had nothing to say? What if I got lost and it was actually because they wanted to lose me? All these thoughts whirled around my head as I was on the plane, but I was very happy to discover that PAX was, in fact, a happy, inclusive and wonderful place for geeks of all descriptions to call home — whether they were someone who just liked video games or was also into collectible card games, role-playing games, board games, cosplay, the history of technology… anything like that.

That word — “home” — is an important one. Because it felt good to be there. It felt like a world which I wanted to belong to, surrounded by people that I wanted to be with. It was a world that accepted and embraced each other’s differences and brought people from many different walks of life together in the name of common interests. Perhaps most importantly, it made friendships real. It’s all very well chatting to people online on a regular basis, but once you’ve spent time with those people in person — seen them, heard them, hugged them, tickled their beards in a homoerotic manner where applicable — your friendship is on a different level. I haven’t seen some of those people I met at PAX East 2010 in person since that weekend two years ago, but in many ways I feel closer, more connected to them than many of my — for want of a better word — “real” friends. Perhaps it’s because they’re also “Internet friends” that I speak to most days via Twitter, Facebook and G+.

Whatever the reason, knowing that lots of people I know are at PAX East right now and undoubtedly having a great time (and/or queueing for hours) makes me a bit sad — not that they’re there, obviously, but that I’m not there with them.

I propose a pact, then, faraway friends: PAX East 2013. Be there. You have a year to prepare. Get cracking.