Category: Weird

#oneaday Day 65: Character Sheet

RPGs, as everyone knows, are nonsense. No amount of battering your way through the world’s wildlife with a stick repeatedly makes you powerful enough to take down, say, a helicopter with your bare hands. But that’s not to say that we don’t have our own special skills and abilities of our own. So here, in the style of Final Fantasy XIII thanks to the many and varied roles I have taken on over the years, is my official Character Sheet. (Bonus points if you can figure out how I calculated my EXP, amount of EXP to next level, HP and MP, because yes, I am nerdy enough to work out a system to do just that.)

Pete
Hume M
Level 29

HP: 1557/1557
MP: 5/358

EXP: 261696
NEXT: 1320

Role: WRITER (WRI), Lv. 25
Bonus: Adds to party’s Grammatical Error detection radius.

Abilities
Literate: Read and write.
Literata: Read and write well.
Literataga: Read and write well enough to do professionally.
Literataja: Read and write super-fast to borderline-inhuman deadlines.
Barego: Protect against bruised ego.
Bolster: Restore morale.
Enhumor: Add Comedy element to attacks, cancel Sadness status.
Eninform: Add Knowledge element to attacks, cancel Ignorance status.
Yankbrit: Toggle stance between British and American English.

Role: TEACHER (TCH), Lv. 3
Bonus: Double EXP acquisition for other party members.

Abilities
Teach: Able to explain general things in some detail.
Teacha: Able to explain complicated concepts to inexperienced types.
Teachaga: Able to explain complicated concepts without getting frustrated.
Teachaja: Able to adapt explanations on the fly while teaching several targets.
War Cry: Inflict Silence on all targets temporarily.
Bolster: Restore morale.
Eninform: Add Knowledge element to attacks, cancel Ignorance status.
Patience: Cancel Berserk status on self. Usable once per day.

Role: BARD (BRD), Lv. 25
Bonus: Increased success rate of party buffs.

Abilities
Piano: Equip Piano-class equipment.
Clarinet: Equip Clarinet-class equipment.
Saxophone: Equip Saxophone-class equipment.
Bellowing Honk: (Requires Saxophone) Knockback and Stun all targets.
Piercing Screech: (Requires Clarinet) Silence and Slow all targets.
Shine on Me: Buff the party with Barbershop Power.
Pinkapingpangpong: Confuse all targets.
Rachmaninoff’s Fury: Inflict punch damage over a slightly wider-than-usual radius.
Perform: 50/50 chance to Impress or Depress friendly target.
Accompany: Double attack power of any Soloist in the party.
Accompanya: Triple attack power of any Soloist in the party.
Accompanyaga: Max out Soloists’ attack power and add your own.

Role: NERD (NRD), Lv. 25
Bonus: Bolster party’s performance in video game-related quizzes.

Abilities
Score Attack: Spend an entire ATB bar increasing your score on Geometry Wars.
Recognition: Increased chance to recognise obscure music from Japanese games.
Unfazed: Impossible for bizarre/impossible events to inflict Confusion status.
Desensitised: Think of the children!
Persistence: Extra chance at all failable actions, chance of Boredom status increases.
Fix: Restore HP to Mechanical or Electrical targets.
Break: Damage Mechanical or Electrical targets with increased efficiency.
Google: Impossible to be inflicted with Ignorance status if in an area with Wi-Fi.
Maru: Summon cat videos.
Marua: Summon a cat video appropriate to the occasion.
Maruga: Summon the perfect cat video for the occasion to escape from danger.

Role: RETAIL MONKEY (RMK), Lv. 2
Bonus: Double Gil from sold items.

Abilities
Sell: Sell items.
Sella: Sell junk items.
Sellaga: Sell junk and regular items for increased profit.
eBay: Sell items to people in other zones.
eBaya: Sell junk items to people in other zones.
eBayaga: Sell junk and regular items to people in other zones for increased profit.
Packin’: Equip Packing Tape Dispenser-class equipment.
Cable Management: Remove Tangled status from Mechanical or Electrical targets.

Role: EMPATH (EMP), Lv. 10
Bonus: Decreased chance for friendly party members to suffer Debuffs.

Abilities
Listen: Listen.
Listena: Listen without judging.
Listenaga: Listen without judging or offering stupid advice.
Empathy: Transfer all negative status effects from friendly target to self.
Empatha: Remove one negative status effect that both you and target are suffering.
Empathaga: Remove all negative status effects from target, inflict Confusion on self.
Bolster: Restore morale.

Did I miss anything? Obviously I’m leaving my Limit Breaks a secret as I don’t want to play my hand too early.

#oneaday Day 63: Mr Sheen

So. Charlie Sheen, eh? What a card. Winning. Tiger blood. I wish there were some way to show my appreciation for him through the medium of the Internet, such as saying “winning” every few minutes. Oh wait.

Sarcasm aside, I find this whole farrago (yes, farrago, deal with it) surrounding Mr Sheen somewhat bewildering. As someone pointed out on Twitter yesterday, Pete Doherty does a bunch of drugs, acts like a dickhead and is vilified, while Sheen does a bunch of drugs, acts like a dickhead and is elevated to Internet meme deity status? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Sheen himself isn’t helping, with his Twitter account attracting over a million followers in the course of 25 hours, a new Guinness World Record. (I wasn’t even aware there were Guinness World Records for how quickly people got Twitter followers, but I guess you live and learn.) His bewildering gibberish seems to have the majority of the Internet frothing at the mouth in giddy euphoria, wondering what on earth he’s going to say or do next. Sheen acquired well over half a million followers before he’d posted anything at all on Twitter, with rubberneckers urging each other to “hold on to your hats” and the like.

I’ve never been one for celebrity culture and gossip, or gossip in general for that matter. As far as I’m concerned, what people do in their personal life should remain personal, whether they’re the man on the street or someone in the public eye. Sure, public figures arguably have a responsibility to set a good example to impressionable people—but if they do this when they’re out in public, is there any need to go prying into their private life?

Of course, one could argue that Sheen was rather public in his dickheadishness, in which case at that stage the press should step in and see what’s up. But if that’s the case, why is he being put up on such a pedestal? Is being a drug-addled twat really something to aspire to? If so, that’s kind of sad. Or is it that he’s a broken man acting more and more erratically as he makes more and more of a mess of his life, and everyone’s laughing at him? Because that’s kind of sad, too.

Not only that, but the LA Times revealed yesterday that Sheen had signed up with celebrity ad-whoring agency ad.ly, who pay Sheen and a number of other corporate shill “celebrities” including the Kardashians (whom I’m still not sure why are famous), Mike Tyson, Linkin Park and 50 Cent, to advertise products in their Twitter stream. A clever, if arguably obnoxious, idea. Fortunately, none of them are the kind of people I have the slightest interest in following, so I’ve remained relatively free of their selling-out-ness. But the fact remains that ad.ly are clearly taking advantage of Sheen’s questionable mental state (and people’s fascination with it) to make a quick buck.

Still. The usual response to disapproving of a situation like this is to advise one to “just ignore it”. So, barring anyone coming up and shouting “WINNING!” in my face (who will get a punch in their face) that is what I intend to do from now. Having just written 541 words on the subject.

Now who’s winning?

#oneaday Day 59: Shit Happens, Life Continues

Life is complicated. And I’m not talking about my life specifically, I’m talking about the whole concept of life. People. Society. Everyone together, interacting (or not) and the strange, almost “chemical” reactions caused by one little thing that someone does having a knock-on effect and making other things happen. Chaos theory, I guess, only with less in the way of butterflies and hurricanes and whatnot.

Life is unstable, too. And again, I’m not talking about my life specifically, and I’m not talking about the “I could snap any minute and murder everyone with a claw hammer” sort of unstable, either, though for sure that is part of life’s general instability. I’m talking about things you take for granted suddenly not being there any more, or changing their form, or things that you thought were lost being found once again. All of these things are things that I and countless others have experienced recently. All part of life’s rich tapestry, as they say.

Things change. People change. Relationships evolve. People come together, drift apart. Sometimes stupid decisions get made. Sometimes wise decisions that hurt like hell get made. And sometimes things happen that you don’t understand. Sometimes you can see decision points coming up and you have no idea which road is the right one, if any.

Life is complicated. And people say that it keeps things interesting, that life would be boring if it was predictable. And perhaps it would be. No-one likes doing the same thing over and over again. No-one likes being confined to a routine day after day, clocking in at 9 in the morning, doing the same menial task for 8 hours then clocking off again at the end only to go home to the same old house, eat the same old food and watch the same old crap on the TV. But we do it all the same.

Unpredictability may keep things interesting, but it has mixed results. Sometimes it has great results, like the reunion of two close friends after many years; friends who have the ability to pick up right where they left off as if the intervening silence was nothing but a dream. Sometimes it has life-changing results, for better or worse. Sometimes these life changes needed to happen and were a long time coming, and sometimes you couldn’t possibly have imagined that they would ever happen.

And these things are happening to everyone, not just you. Someone, somewhere, knows how you feel. Someone, somewhere, understands what you’re going through right now. You might not know them yet, or perhaps you do. You may have spoken to them in passing, or perhaps they’re just a name on a computer screen that you’ve glanced before. Or perhaps they’re right under your nose, waiting for the right moment to show you what it is you mean to them, and you never realised.

Life is complicated, unpredictable, strange and frustrating. And however much you think you have yourself, or other people, or the situation in general figured out, things change at a moment’s notice, like a roll of a die. So perhaps you should stop trying to figure things out and understand them, strap yourself into the ride and see where it takes you.

It might be nowhere. Or it might be someplace far away. You won’t know until you get there.

Bill Hicks said it far better than I could.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0]

#oneaday Day 58: Things To Do in a Traffic Jam

I like driving. It’s fun. Whether you’re negotiating twisty-turny country lanes, putting your foot to the floor on a motorway or simply contemplating the fact that you’re actually sitting in a chair that is moving at 70 miles per hour (seriously, that’s pretty mind-boggling when you consider the speed the other chairs in your life don’t move at) driving is, for the most part, a pleasurable experience for those who enjoy using cars for the purpose they were designed for. (Obviously those who don’t like driving or are scared of it are exempt from the above.)

There’s one thing sure to spoil any nice drive, though: a traffic jam. They’re a pain in the arse whether they come in the form of backed-up traffic over a narrow hump-backed bridge due to a lost sheep standing bewildered in the middle of a single-track road, gridlock in a town centre or one of those inexplicable jams that form on a motorway, force everyone to sit stationary for approximately 500 years then start moving again with absolutely no trace of whatever caused the jam at the front of it.

So that’s why it’s important to have a repertoire of entertainment ready. Those of you with kids will have probably played I-Spy to death. But you don’t always have kids with you, and indeed sometimes you’re all by yourself. So here is a selection of Things to Do in a Traffic Jam, with some suitable for solo play, others suitable for a party of disgruntled passengers to join in with.

Rev-Counter Roulette

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Stationary
Danger level: Mild peril

Put your car in neutral or at the very least, push the clutch all the way down. Players take a moment to place their bets from 1-whatever your rev counter goes up to. (Obviously you need a rev counter to play this.) When everyone has placed a bet, quickly press the accelerator pedal as hard as you like (or not). Whoever bet the closest to the highest point your rev counter reached wins and gets a travel sweet and/or the opportunity to punch everyone else in the face.

Gangster Trip-Meter

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: None

Agree a timeframe appropriate for the speed of the traffic. If it is moving a bit, five minutes. If it is going very slowly, perhaps ten minutes. Set your car’s trip meter to zero and set a timer for the timeframe you decided. Place bets on what the trip meter will read at the end of the timeframe. Whoever bet the closest to the final result wins.

Optional rule: whoever bet furthest away from the final result has to remove an item of clothing, which makes the following game much more interesting if it’s cold.

Master of Elements

Players: 1-car capacity
Traffic speed: Any
Danger level: Slim to none

Depending on the ambient temperature, set the car’s heating system to whatever will be most uncomfortable and turn the fan up to full. If it’s very cold, you may also wish to open all the windows. The first person to complain that it’s too hot/too cold/too windy is the loser and gets ridiculed by everyone else and/or punched in the face.

Optional rule: Strip rules may also be added to this game. Depending on the temperature, this may be a benefit or a handicap.

Frogger

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Moderate

Set yourself a time limit appropriate for the amount of traffic and the speed it is moving. For heavy and/or stationary traffic, use a longer time limit. In the time limit attempt to change lanes from the inside to the outside lane as many times as possible.

Warning: Playing this game will cause most other members of the traffic jam to think you are a complete dick. If you are driving a BMW or Mercedes, you can play this game without fear, as people will expect you to be driving like that anyway.

The World’s Slowest Drag Race

Players: 1
Traffic speed: Slow to moderate
Danger level: Mild peril

Set yourself a time limit and choose a target in another lane. Don’t choose a BMW or Mercedes, or anyone who is obviously playing Frogger, because they’ll change lanes a lot. Start the clock and see who is further ahead at the end of the time limit.

If you’re driving in convoy with other people, you can play this with the other convoy members. Passengers in the losing car have to perform forfeits such as getting their bums out.

#oneaday, Day 27: To Whom It May Concern

Dear God/Cthulhu/Nyx/Nicola from Girls Aloud/Kefka/Des/Mr Denton/GLaDOS/G-Man/Bhaal/Fate/whoever is actually in charge of everything,

I’m not a praying man. You know that. I’m not even a religious man. But I’m asking for a favour. One little favour. That surely won’t be much for someone of Your calibre of magnificence/horror/weirdness/hotness/badassness/system specifications.

Said favour will only take up one day. One day. 24 hours on this Earth. You can spare a day, right? I don’t mind what You do on the day after. You can rain down locusts, devour the planet, send forth Your spawn into the wilds, ruin the world, remake it in Your own image or hire a guy with a crowbar to kick some ass. I don’t care.

All I ask is that for one solitary day, all of the Nice People get to have a Good Day. A Good Day together that they can all enjoy at the same time. Maybe down the pub. Because inevitably, what happens right now is that Person A has a Bad Day, Person B has a Fucking Terrible Day, Person C has a Great Day and Person D is “meh” about the whole thing. Person B is thrust into the very depths of depression. Person A moans about their day, but then feels guilty as soon as they come across Person B’s problems, which are clearly worse than their own. Person C wants to celebrate their Great Day but doesn’t want to make Person A and B feel bad or envious, while Person D gets all the shit from the other three lumped on them as they all vent their frustrations on the one truly neutral party in the whole debacle. And then no-one wants to go down the pub.

This is clearly a Very Silly Situation. Now, Your own personal ideology may not be particularly compatible with the concept of a Good Day. But look at it this way: if You’re the type to go devouring worlds, covering them with fire and/or making things “fall into shadow” (whatever that means—surely you can just turn on a light) then surely won’t it hurt more if You fuck shit up immediately after everyone has had a Good Day? Yeah. Now we’re talking, right?

If, on the other hand, You’re the benevolent type, then think how much good spiritual-currency-of-your-choice You’ll acquire from the provision of a universally Good Day. People will be happy and they’ll be inclined to thank You for said provision. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it? I played Populous. I remember how it works. More mana means MOAR VOLCANOES. You know You want to.

Now, there are, of course, some flaws in this plan: namely, that one person’s Good Day may well cause someone else to have a Bad or even a Fucking Terrible Day. But I trust that You, in your infinite wisdom, will be able to sort something out. If it helps, You can limit the Universally Good Day to people that are “nice”, haven’t pissed me off recently and aren’t likely to. Or just my friends. I’m cool with that.

Basically, what I’m saying is: sucky things keep happening to Good People. Please, for one day, stop it and let people just enjoy life for once. I know that I’d be very grateful. And I know there are plenty of others out there who would too.

So at least think about it, huh?

Amen/Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!/May you always draw the right cards/You are well sexy/Synthesised laughs are the best/You’re a twat but I like you despite yourself/I like your sunglasses/This was a triumph/May you always be a Free-Man/FACE ME FACE THE NEW LORD OF MURDER/Korah matah korah rahtahmah/Yours faithfully,

Pete

#oneaday, Day 25: Read This Post, It’s Shit

I started using some new toothpaste last night. It’s called “Corsodyl Daily”, and the best way to describe its taste would be to invite you to imagine that a cat had drunk an aromatherapy shop dry and then vomited copiously directly into your mouth whilst you were plucking up the courage to swallow the gob of spunk that had inexplicably appeared inside your oral cavity without, to your knowledge, anyone’s genitalia having been anywhere near your face.

Sorry. But it really is fucking disgusting. The thing is, though, Corsodyl are well aware that it tastes like some sort of hideous combination of essential massage oils, vomit and sperm, and they pretty much warn you of this on the back of the tube.

“It contains a special combination of plant extracts and mineral salt,” it says, “so you may find it takes a few weeks to get used to the unique taste and sensation.” I will resist the opportunity to make any obvious jokes at this juncture but I can think of at least one of you readers who are providing said joke for yourself right now. I can read your mind.

It doesn’t stop there, though. “Special combination” and “unique taste and sensation” sound quite positive, don’t they? Let’s not beat around the bush here, Corsodyl. You’d like everyone to know that your toothpaste tastes vile. So why not depict it with a handy graph—oh, you have.

Yes, that handly line graph you’re seeing right there (ignore the man behind the curtain toothpaste tube) is indeed a “product satisfaction over time” graph with no scale showing that early in your relationship with Corsodyl Daily, it will make you sadface, whereas an undisclosed amount of time down the road, you will be happyface as a direct result of using it. You’ll notice how the graph appears to operate in three dimensions, however, with the line of predicted satisfaction stretching off into the distance, leading me to wonder what the Z-axis represents. Amount of kittens you have allowed to vomit into your gullet? Number of oral sex “giving” sessions you’ve had? Quantity of pure essential oils consumed over the entire time period of you using the toothpaste?

Whatever. They have apparently proven that vomity-spunky-aromatherapypaste is worth persisting with, because they’ve proven it with SCIENCE! or possibly MATH!(S!)

The “buy this, it’s shit” approach appears to be gathering some momentum. I received a press release from an iPhone developer this morning chastising a large proportion of players for giving their game Crap of Defense the “highest rating for playability”. This in humorously broken English, too, which makes the whole thing even more enjoyable. I quote:

“We, the ifun4all team, have to communicate something very important. It is a violation of respect for us that all peples treat us like this. Our team will no longer tolerate such abuse of our game “Crap of Defense.” A large part of the population of players should be fined or even a public flogging as we do in our village. “Crap of Defense” was to be the worst game in the world, unfortunately, no one want to listen and then get the highest rating for playability. Enough of this. Our children will live with this stigma. Laszlo met a very nice girl, the daughter of a local merchant of birch syrup. The girl did not have one leg but friends says that they will have beautiful children. We decided to take the game out of the market. Hungary will win again.”

And then, of course, there’s the famous advertising campaign for Marmite, which proudly states up front that you might hate it. Ballsy. But apparently it works.

In fact, it’s the advertising equivalent of that arsehole at the bar who wanders up to the prettiest girl in the place, calls her a cunt and knocks her drink over and ends up shagging her for all eternity. In space. Surrounded by money. And more pretty girls.

I hate that guy.

#oneaday, Day 21: Fun Games to Play With a Microwave

It’s important to have some basic survival strategies in mind for every situation you may potentially find yourself in as part of daily life. And I’m not talking about those “just in case there’s a nuclear war and/or zombies” survival situations; I’m talking about those everyday situations which are statistically rather more likely to happen in your own lifetime, however stupid they might be.

For example, plausibly at some point in your life you may find yourself locked in a kitchen. Most people typically don’t have locks on their kitchen doors, but you never know; you might find yourself in the one house that does lock their kitchen doors (perhaps they’re trying to give up the midnight snacking or something) or indeed the kitchen of a fancy restaurant or hotel.

So picture the scene: disaster has struck. You, and possibly a few companions, have found yourself stuck in a kitchen. You can’t get the door open, and everyone outside who could have plausibly let you out of said kitchen has now left the immediate area/building to go and have sex and/or watch television.

You’re not left wanting for food—bitch, you be in a kitchen, yo—but you are somewhat starved of entertainment. It’s at this point that you—yes, you—can be the resourceful member of the group who teaches your companions how to have fun using only a microwave and some other utensils which are readily available in your average kitchen. Imagine what fun you’ll have while you wait to be rescued!

Bomb Disposal

Oh no! There’s a bomb in the kitchen! And it looks suspiciously like a microwave! What are you going to do? Defuse it, that’s what, and you’re going to do it in a cool way like in the movies.

You will need:
A microwave
Something to microwave that won’t explode or catch fire (frozen chips are ideal)
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)

Players: 3-the number of people you can physically fit in the kitchen.

Objective: To be the coolest bomb disposal technician on the Force.

Danger rating: Minimal

How to play:

One player is the Terrorist. They set the microwave to whatever time they like while one player, who is the Bomb Disposal Expert, faces in the other direction.

The Terrorist shouts “You have [amount of time microwave was set to] to save the world, asshole!” and then starts microwaving something. The Bomb Disposal Expert must remain facing in the other direction, and turn round in order to bash the “Stop” button on the microwave before the timer reaches zero. If the timer reaches zero, the current player is eliminated and must eat something raw that is usually cooked (frozen chips are ideal).

Once all non-Terrorist players have had a go, the person who stopped the timer closest to 0:01 wins a point. Give them something to celebrate their victory with (frozen chips are ideal). Repeat until bored, or you run out of microwaveable foodstuffs.

In case of a tie, resort to a frying-pan fight.

The Great Exploding Fruit Race!

It’s Race Day in the kitchen, but you’re not watching cockroaches scurry along crudely-designed courses marked out by baked beans! No! You’re going to make fruit explode!

You will need:
A microwave
Several different types of fruit
Something to write on and with (if no pens or paper are available, use a bottle of tomato ketchup or seafood sauce to write on walls/floor)
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)

Players: 1-a bajillion

Objective: To correctly bet how long it will take before the fruit you place in the microwave explodes.

Danger Rating: Moderate

How to play:

One player chooses a piece of fruit. Everyone  writes down how long they think it will be before the fruit explodes. The fruit is microwaved until it explodes. The person nearest the correct answer wins a point. Repeat until you run out of fruit, you get bored, or your microwave explodes.

The Great Supper-Time Race!

It’s another Race Day in the kitchen, but this time it’s all about using your mad chef skills to beat the microwave at its own game! Except microwaves aren’t very good at making sandwiches, making you inherently better, so they have something more up their alley (Making Things Unevenly Hot) to do!

You will need:
A microwave
Sandwich ingredients (bread, butter and mutually-agreed fillings)
Some milk
A microwaveable cup

Players: 1-as many as you bloody well want

Objective: To successfully make a delicious sandwich before the microwave finishes warming a cup of milk.

Danger rating: Minimal

How to play:

Fill the cup with milk. Set the microwave for however long it normally takes to warm the milk without exploding—we’re not playing the bomb game any more. Two minutes is a good bet for average home microwaves. If you’re using a high-power industrial microwave from a restaurant, this game is much more difficult. Then put the cup of milk in the microwave and start it.

Now you must make a complete and structurally-sound sandwich before the milk is finished warming. If you fail to achieve this, all the other players are allowed to call you a “bell-end” six times a day until the end of the week, even if you’re in front of your parents.

In case of ties, all participants must then eat their milk and drink their sandwich as quickly as possible. Wait, what?

You Got Balls, Kid, I Like That

This is the most extreme game you can play with a microwave that doesn’t involve putting yourself inside it, and since most microwaves are not big enough to fit average-sized drunk humans (because let’s face it, if you’re locked in a kitchen, you’re probably drunk) that isn’t an option right now. This game may still result in your death and/or arson charges.

You will need:
A microwave
A selection of metal objects
Something to keep score with (frozen chips are ideal)
Balls of steel/equivalent ladyparts

Players: 1 (if suicidal)-many (mass suicide pact)

Objective: To be the bravest person in the group without killing everyone and/or burning down the kitchen you are locked in.

Danger Rating: If You Play This One For Real, You’re An Idiot And Deserve Everything You Get

How to play:

One player chooses a metal object and places it in the microwave. They then turn on the microwave and watch the pretty blue lightning. They must then stop the microwave as soon as they get scared something might be about to catch fire, explode and/or kill them.

The next player then steps up and does the same, until all players have had a go. The player who held on the longest without killing anyone is the winner of that round and gets a point. Repeat until you realise what a stupid idea this game is, and resort to chef’s knife swordfighting instead.

If anyone dies during this game, everyone loses.

I hope you enjoy these games. I am not responsible for any deaths that occur as a result of playing You Got Balls, Kid, I Like That.

#oneaday, Day 318: One Day in Gameland

In discussing Deadly… I mean DEADLY PREMONITION with a couple of others recently, we came to the conclusion that the universe of games has such a distinct logic, such a distinct culture, that you could probably write an entire treatise on the culture, physics, metaphysics and theology of Game-Land.

I will settle for one blog post.

  • When you wake up in the morning, any and all injuries, however serious, will be completely healed, unless you make your home in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, in which case you will either need to give yourself an injection in the affected limb or visit a doctor, who will be able to heal absolutely any injury and make you completely intact within a matter of minutes.
  • If there is food on a shelf, pick it up. No-one but you needs to eat.
  • By extension, eating food also heals injuries, unless you’re in Greenvale.
  • If you’re in Greenvale, no-one gives you a second glance if you’re standing in the middle of the road chugging back a can of Hollandaise sauce followed by wolfing down a turkey sandwich which cost $75.
  • People only open doors if they absolutely have to and frequently just walk through them instead. This includes you. If you were planning on going outside, open the door, wait for 30 seconds, then step outside. Otherwise there will be nothing to walk into and you’ll simply fall into the void, never to be heard from again.
  • You can survive approximately 1.5 point-blank shotgun blasts directly to your face without permanent disfigurement.
  • In fact, you can survive any injury without permanent disfigurement.
  • If something “really important” is about to happen, no-one will mind if you do something else—anything between popping out to shop for some groceries to going on holiday to the other side of the world. The “really important thing” will still be “about to happen” when you get back. Enjoy yourself for a while.
  • After completing a repetitive task such as stuffing envelopes or chopping onions, you will notice yourself getting noticeably better at said task at increasingly-longer but predictable intervals.
  • Chop 200 onions in a row without hurting yourself for a special prize!
  • Sometimes when you talk to people you will have to read something they’ve written on a piece of semi-transparent plastic while they flail their arms around like a Thunderbird.
  • Occasionally, people will sound like they are speaking Japanese at you, but the semi-transparent piece of plastic will have English writing on it.
  • All shops you visit will sell exactly four items in an extremely niche category, but will purchase anything you have in your pockets/backpack/suitcase/on the back of your pack mule.
  • On that note, you will own a backpack which is capable of holding twenty suits of armour, four hundred weapons of different varieties and up to 99 bottles of each and every liquid you find. This backpack is invisible.
  • You will never, ever need to go to the toilet, even if you have drunk all 99 bottles of one particular liquid, unless 1) you feel like you are being forced by a giant green diamond above your head to do things in your own home that you probably would have done anyway, 2) your son has been kidnapped or 3) you know, or are about to come into contact with, someone whose son has been kidnapped.
  • Anything red will heal all your injuries if you imbibe it somehow.
  • Anything blue will make you less tired if you imbibe it somehow.
  • People with long white hair are always evil, even if they seem to be quite nice chaps.
  • People with short white hair are often sullen, but good people.
  • People with spiky hair or who are bald are probably on the way to save the world, especially if they are carrying a sword and/or a gun. Be nice to them.
  • Be careful when stacking shelves: lining up three or more of the same thing in a row always causes them to disappear. Stack tins of soup in a checkerboard pattern to prevent this from happening.
  • Pick up every flower, bird feather, human-looking bone or flag that you see: there will be someone somewhere in your neighbourhood who will give you “something good” if you bring them enough.
  • Having a conversation with someone doesn’t require any actual interaction on your part. Just bump into them and they’ll tell you something about the nearby caves, forest and/or the local big corporation.
  • Talking to yourself is absolutely fine. You may either do this by voicing your internal monologue, especially when looking closely at inanimate objects, or keeping a semi-transparent piece of plastic and a marker pen in your invisible backpack at all times.

Sounds like a simple life, doesn’t it? Ah, if only we could apply game logic to the real world sometimes…

#oneaday, Day 311: Monstrosities of the Indie Marketplace

As I have mentioned once or twice previously, the Xbox LIVE Indie Games Marketplace is a veritable treasure-trove of unappreciated hidden gems of gaming.

It’s also an uncleaned litter tray of some of the worst fecal matter you’ll ever have the misfortune to play. Still, all credit to those developers for actually finishing a project and getting out there for the public to at least try out. And if they sell just one “pity copy”, then they can call themselves a professional game developer.

Even if their game is one of the following, which I have exhaustively researched (well, played the trials of) in order to bring you today’s blog post, featuring the very worst the Indie Marketplace has to offer.

Well, perhaps not the very worst. I was highly scientific in the games I chose: I picked the ones with the ugliest or cheesiest cover art on the marketplace or, in one case, the most hilarious title. And here are my results.

Spring Break in Zombie USA

This game promises “action” and “driving”. In practice, it’s a twin-stick shooter where you have to press a fire button as well as move the right-stick, and occasionally you jump into a car and drive up a vertically-scrolling road that is completely straight with no obstacles on it whatsoever.

The concept is that you are racing down to Spring Break to rescue your sister, who has, as these things tend to go, got stuck in a zombie apocalypse. It’s up to you, as either a long-haired rocker dude or a pimped-out black guy with a bitchin’ hat (presumably it’s an adoptive sister to one or both of them) to shoot lots of MS Paint zombies that take entirely too many bullets to take down and move too fast for you to be able to escape or kill them before they “get” you.

Oh well. At least the soundtrack is actually reasonably good, at least on the title screen.

Pie Collect

The title of this one is extremely literal. You play a small orb known as a “sweeper”, whose job it is to collect pies, which are inexplicably floating in space. Collecting a pie releases an evil orb, which moves back and forth or up and down across the screen. There are a few powerups, but you only have one life.

It has a certain Crystal Quest-esque charm about it, but any challenge in the game is entirely negated by the “safe zone” at the bottom of the screen, represented by a picnic blanked that is also inexplicably floating in space, and allows you to safely navigate around all the orbs, putting you at minimal risk.

A Game you can’t BEAT!!

Erratic capitalisation is as the game represents itself on the Marketplace. This is essentially one of those Impossible Game-style things where you control some sort of inanimate object/shape and have to jump and not die. In this case, you control one of three different balls, and there is a simultaneous two-player mode.

It’s extremely difficult but there is little to no incentive to try again, though there are a few quasi-Achievement medals to chase in the full version. But when the “Easy course” repeatedly kills you after approximately eight seconds every time, that’s just taking difficulty a little too far.

Valet Parking, Inc.

This one wins the “cheesiest artwork” award, with a girl in a “sexy parking attendant” costume on the cover art who clearly has nothing to do with the game whatsoever beside a rough association with the theme of the game, which is parking cars.

It’s actually a moderately-interesting idea for a game. Cars show up, you park them wherever you like, keep an eye on the clock and give them back to appropriately-coloured customers when they return. You also have “hunger” and “stamina” meters that gradually deplete as you run around and spend time doing your job, so you have to take a break every so often.

Trouble is, the cars handle really weirdly. They seem to rotate around their back wheels, which makes controlling them somewhat troublesome. They also have a weird acceleration curve that goes “slow… slow… slow… SUDDENLY FAST”

The graphics are entertainingly mid-90s pre-rendered, too. And the in-game clock can’t handle times that have “00” as the minutes value, so the clock moves from “12:59” straight to “13:01”, for example.

Still, with a bit of polish this could actually be a moderately fun “time management” game. You can tell it’s the best by the fact I’ve written more than two paragraphs on it.

Super Janitoroid

Obviously intended to be some sort of Super Metroid spoof, this game stars an Aussie janitor represented by a crudely-drawn body with a digitised head atop it. He is armed with a badly-drawn mop which can attack horizontally and vertically, and there’s a large map to explore in a Metroid stylee.

It also has one of the most horrendously awful frame rates I’ve ever seen on an Xbox 360 game, which makes your eyes go squiffy after a while. Assuming they haven’t already gone squiffy from the bizarre graphics.

Techno Kitten Adventure

Save the best for last. Techno Kitten Adventure is a single-button game in which you control a kitten with a jetpack as it attempts to fly around a series of box-shaped obstacles.

The twist with this game is the horrendously awful Euro-dance soundtrack which is annoyingly catchy. This fact is made even worse by the titter-inducing fact that the background animates according to the lyrics of the song, featuring rainbows flowing past, falling stars, throbbing techno laser light shows and lots and lots of flashing lights.

This game is worth playing purely to see its hilarious “interactive music video” nature. Thankfully, you don’t actually have to play it, as the song and background animation continue even while you’re waiting at the “press A to start” screen, meaning you can watch the whole thing without having to purchase the game. Which is probably for the best.

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So there you go. I’ve played those games so you don’t have to. I hope you appreciate the sacrifices that I’ve made for you. And you really should play Techno Kitten Adventure to appreciate its horrendous…ness.

I’m trying not to be too harsh on these games, though. Because the thing is, I couldn’t make something half as good as Techno Kitten Adventure. I wouldn’t know where to start with programming for the 360. So, as bizarre and, in some cases, awful as these games are, you should at least give the developers some props for getting out there, trying to make something and having the guts to release it to the world so people like me can rip them to shreds on blogs they’ll never read.

So fair play, guys. I’m sure it’s all good practice.