#oneaday Day 80: I Swear, By The Moon And The Stars In The Skies

(If you are offended by swearing you may wish to skip this one. But then that’s kind of the point of this post. So perhaps you should read it.)

Swearing’s a funny thing. On the one hand, a well-timed expletive—particularly a creative compound one, such as “felchbastard”—can make everyone laugh. On the other hand, people who use the word “fucking” as verbal punctuation and/or a non-fluency feature are, well to be frank, complete arseholes.

It’s curious how some swear words are more acceptable than others though, especially given the fact that many of them refer to the same thing. Refer to someone as a “twat” and that’s generally seen as just fine and peachy (unless you’re, say, talking to the Queen or your grandparents (assuming they’re not the kind of grandparents who swear like sailors (possibly because they were sailors) or squaddies (ditto) and now I’m not sure how many nested brackets I’ve used so I’ll just hope) or the local vicar) but call them a “cunt” and you’ll quite possibly be the recipient of a stony silence, a slap in the face or a detention, depending on your age/social status and/or occupation.

But why should this be? “Twat” and “cunt” both refer to the female genitalia, yet some people feel more uncomfortable saying the word “vagina” out loud than “twat”, yet “cunt” is still some sort of horrendous secret taboo. They all mean the same thing.

Oddly enough, no synonyms for the penis (of which there are many, as the back page of my Year 8 homework journal from secondary school will attest) appear to be regarded as anywhere near as taboo as words for the vajayjay. “Cock”, theoretically the most offensive one, as it’s (arguably) the one you’re most likely to hear during pornography, is flung around with gay abandon (not literally) pre-watershed on Top Gear, while “penis” is still seen as somewhat awkward, despite being an anatomical term and not a swear.

“Fuck” and/or “fucking” are the words that gets a lot of people though. “Fuck/fucking” are, in themselves, rather multi-purpose words. They can be used as a verb meaning sexual congress (“He fucked her good and proper”) or as a verb meaning “broke” or “beat up” (“She fucked him up good and proper”) or as an adjective (“Cover that fucking bruise on your face, you big wuss”) or as an intensifier (“That was brilliant.” “No, it was fucking brilliant.”) or just a an expletive (“Fuck!”).

The trouble with “fuck”, though, is that it’s overused. First five minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral aside, you just have to walk down any inner-city street in the UK to hear the word “fuck(ing)” used so frequently you wonder if the people uttering it are actually aware they’re saying it quite so much. In theory, a lot of their usage of it is as an intensifier—but seriously, saying “I went to the fucking shops” is utterly redundant. Saying something is “fucking brilliant” makes it very clear that it’s better than brilliant. However, saying you went to the “fucking shops” is useless, because the shops are the shops, and however much “fucking” you put in front of them, they cannot be any more shoppy than they already are, in that they are already 100% shoppy, and if making them into the “fucking shops” made them more shoppy than 100% shoppy, then that would defy all laws of physics, metaphysics, logic and possibly a few bits of theology, too. And no-one wants that.

The only exception to this is when you’re annoyed at the place you’ve been. Then you can do that sulky teenage stroppyface and say “Yeah, I went to the fucking shops” as if it’s the biggest hardship in the world that you had to suffer being dragged around New Look a little bit when all you really wanted to do was get home and masturbate/take drugs/yell at a gerbil that just isn’t pulling its weight any more/watch Noel Edmonds (on TV, obviously, unless you live with him, which would be a hellish existence in and of itself more than worthy of using the word “fucking” at every opportunity).

Basically, cockweasel, stop being such a fucking prudish cunt, and enjoy the rich tapestry of bullshit that the English cocking language has blessed us twats with.

#oneaday Day 79: MeatMaid

BRISTOL, MARCH 19 2011

Käselichliebewurst Produktionen GmbH, makers of the hugely successful line of Cock-Hands products, today announced a revolution in morningtime routine technology. The MeatMaid line of products promise to do for fry-ups what the famous Teasmaid did for morning drinks.

“We are very excited about the possibilities that MeatMaid offers the discerning professional fry-up connoisseur,” said Käselichliebewurst Produktionen’s Associate VP of Marketing for EMEA, Helmut Wringer. “We believe that the provision of timely fry-ups on an automated basis is a gap in the market which has remained unfilled for too long.”

The MeatMaid range of products will initially be launching in the UK with a lineup of three unique breakfast automation solutions to fit every budget and lifestyle.

MeatMaid Classic offers its users the unique opportunity to pre-prepare a fryup to be ready on schedule for their morning routine. Special compartments allow for the insertion of bacon, sausage, egg, tomato, mushroom and hash browns. Optional toaster, black pudding, juicer and hot drink attachments are available to customise the MeatMaid experience. Simply insert the ingredients the night before, set the timer for when you want your breakfast and MeatMaid Classic will take care of the rest, carefully cooking and preparing your fryup to be waiting for you beside your bed right on schedule. Available in 1, 2, 4 and House Full Of Guests-person models, starting from £250.

MeatMaid Express offers the perfect breakfast solution for busy professionals who don’t have the time to cook things. Simply insert one of the range of MeatMaid Express capsules, set the timer and MeatMaid Express will take care of the rest, carefully preparing the ingredients from the capsule into a full breakfast within 30 seconds. Perfect for the fry-up connoisseur on the go. Full English, Veggie Breakfast and Big Breakfast capsules will be available on launch, with additional options available in the coming months. Starting from £350, with packs of 7 capsules costing £5 each.

MeatMaid On The Go provides all the benefits of MeatMaid Express in a handy briefcase-sized device that you can take anywhere, with no need to plug in! Load up the stylish carrying case with MeatMaid On The Go capsules, press the button when you’re hungry and voila! An all-day breakfast on demand! Starting from £500. Packs of 5 capsules cost £5 each. Additional battery packs £89 each.

“We anticipate that MeatMaid will be a huge success, particularly in the United Kingdom,” said Wringer. “We’ve been using it in our own offices daily and everyone appreciates starting the day with a good breakfast.”

ABOUT KÄSELICHLIEBEWURST PRODUKTIONEN GMBH

Founded in 1999 by renowned German businessman Werner von Wellensittichschmerzen, this European company have consistently been on the cutting-edge of modern technology, always following their motto “Finding the answers to questions no-one is asking”. Past successes include the popular line of Cock-Hands products as well as the Socialite’s Friend range of customisable kebab-storage systems.

#oneaday Day 78: Reliable Source

Search terms are the blog topic that never gets old. Well, it might get old. I don’t know. No-one’s ever complained yet. So I’m going to cover it, even though I’ve done it several times in the past. This time, I’m going to look at search terms over different time periods, however, so it will be New and Exciting. And will also give you some insight into what people think I’m an expert on.

Let’s start with search terms from the past week. The top 5 are as follows:

  • Offensive gifs
  • meetings gif.animation
  • “call of cthuty”
  • internet dickwad
  • things to do while waiting for a guy to call

None of these are things I’ve written about in the past week, which suggests I should return to some topics I wrote about some time ago. Now, I can actually pinpoint why most of these search terms have come up. “Offensive gifs” and “meetings gif.animation” are likely pointing at this post, though I’m not sure where “meetings” came from. Oh no, wait, the first animation is called “first meeting”. I stand corrected.

“Call of Cthuty” refers to this post, where I wrote a press release of the game I wished Call of Duty: Black Ops actually was.

“internet dickwad” refers to this post, where I pointed and laughed at 4chan having a pathetic little war with Tumblr and also posted the John Gabriel Greater Internet Dickwad Theory.

And “things to do while waiting for a guy to call” is not something I’ve specifically written about, but this post is about the nearest I think it’s possible to get.

Okay. So that’s this week. Let’s look over the last year. The top 5 for the last year looks like this:

  • Divine Divinity (top by a considerable margin)
  • offensive gifs
  • I’m not Doctor Who
  • fatal labyrinth
  • persona 4

“Offensive gifs” is still hanging in there, but “Divine Divinity” hung around in my search terms for a considerable proportion of last year, thanks mostly, I assume, to this pre-#oneaday post. Divine Divinity, incidentally, is an excellent game, though its recent sequel is apparently not that great.

“I’m Not Doctor Who” is, of course, the title of this page, so you’d sort of expect it to come up in search terms a bit, though it’s not the kind of thing I would have expected people to be searching for on Google, unless they really wanted to find people who weren’t Doctor Who. Which I’m not, despite sharing my name with one of them. (Hence the name of this blog, in case you didn’t know.)

“Fatal Labyrinth” is a Sega Mega Drive roguelike game that I was excited to discover on the Xbox 360 Sega Mega Drive Collection. I wrote about it in another pre-#oneaday post.

“Persona 4”, oddly enough, despite being one of my favourite games of all time, doesn’t appear to be something I’ve written many specific posts on. Slightly misleadingly, searching for “persona 4” on this blog also brings up all posts in the “Personal and Opinion” category (which is most of them) and all posts with the number 4 in them (which is quite a lot of them). So… yeah.

All right. Let’s do the biggie. What are the most popular search terms that find my blog… of all time?

  • Bioshock (2079)
  • Divine Divinity (629)
  • Bioshock Big Daddy (365)
  • Big Daddy Bioshock (220)
  • Fatal Labyrinth (149)

Well. There you go. Apparently, I liked Bioshock more than I thought I did.

#oneaday Day 77: Updates Are Available

Remember when we didn’t have to update things? I do. It was a good time. You could put something in to your computer or console, safe in the knowledge that it (probably) worked… and if it didn’t work, it would probably get recalled and/or refunded. It was a binary state. In the world of consoles, this situation prevailed until the last generation ended—the era of the 360 and PS3 ushered in the Age of the Patch.

Of course, PC users have been dealing with this for considerably longer. Anyone who has ever used Windows will be intimately familiar with the incremental update process. It just used to happen slightly less regularly before we had the Internet there with easy access. You might get a disc (or huge pile of floppy disks) with an updated version on providing significant new features, rather than just plugging Security Hole Number 5,237,429.

Nowhere is “update culture” more apparent than in the world of smartphone apps. It’s like keeping on top of your email inbox—you’ll never beat it. Update everything on your phone and within an hour or two at least one app will have been updated with either “bug fixes” or “AMAZING NEW FEATURES”. And people have come to expect, nay, demand these updates. Read reviews in the App Store (I know, I know) and you’ll see products which have just been released with consumers demanding updates.

Of course, you don’t have to update things when they come up. People who don’t have an Internet connection don’t, of course. And in theory, this shouldn’t cause much of an issue—unless you own an Apple device.

I’ve become convinced with the past few iOS updates that Steve Jobs has a big magic “obsolescence” button in his office that immediately renders all iOS-based devices nigh-on unusable unless they’re running the absolute latest version of the system software—even if they were happily working just fine the day before.

You may accuse me of paranoia at this juncture, and it wouldn’t be an unreasonable assumption. However, let me cite the example of last night to you. Last night, Twitter for iPhone started playing silly buggers and decided to start crashing every five seconds. I deleted and reinstalled it and still it had trouble. So I downloaded Echofon instead. This ran, but slowly and jerkily. Given that I’m running an iPhone 4, supposedly THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE (Smartphone. I meant smartphone.) the word “slowdown” really shouldn’t be in the vocabulary I use when talking about it. But slowdown there was. And lo, it was annoying.

It then occurred to me that I hadn’t updated to iOS 4.3, which came out a few days earlier. So I quickly (ha!) updated my phone. And wouldn’t you know, everything suddenly, magically ran the way it was supposed to. How about that?

So, the moral of this story, then, is update your shit. Otherwise the CEOs of the world will enjoy torturing you from afar.

#oneaday Day 76: The Alternative Video Game BAFTAs

So the BAFTA Video Games Awards happened. Last night, in fact. And while the nominations were fairly predictable, there was a relatively pleasing spread of different titles that actually won. In fact, I did a lovely writeup over at GamePro that you should probably go read.

But enough of that. Those awards are all very conventional. So I thought I’d come up with some of my own. Without further ado, I present the Alternative Video Game BAFTAs.

Most Opportunities To Go To The Toilet In A Video Game

Winner: Heavy Rain, where despite the fact there is no logical reason for you to make your characters go to the toilet, you find yourself doing so anyway.

Honourable mention: The Sims 3, which only didn’t win because it didn’t come out in 2010, unless you count the console version, which I don’t, except when putting it in as an Honourable Mention.

Game No-One Had Heard Of When I Played But Now Most People Have Heard Of

Winner: Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale, one of the most charming games I played last year, promptly got very excited about and some months later everyone else seemed to discover.

Game That Has Been On My Shelf The Longest, Unopened

Winner: Resident Evil 4 on PlayStation 2, which I’m not sure counts any more because I started playing it last night.

Former Winner: Final Fantasy XII.

The “MMO That Isn’t Boring” Award

Winner: DC Universe Online, which I am aware came out in January of this year, not last year, but these are my awards, so my rules.

Game Most Likely To Make You Feel Uncomfortable If Someone Walks In On You Playing It

Winner: Deathsmiles, for reasons that are well-documented.

Runner-Up: Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale. “That looks shit and cheesy and their voices are really annoying and my God that music!” “No, but it’s really funny! Seriously!” “Shut up. I’m going to go and play Starcraft.”

Honourable Mention: Dead or Alive Xtreme 2, the most summery game in the Universe. I know it didn’t come out last year, but I still play it in the summertime because it’s like being on holiday with improbably-proportioned women who like jetskiing. I have an Achievement and everything.

Sadomasochism Award

Winner: Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance, a game which enjoys kicking you in the balls so much that it’s enough to put most people off within a matter of minutes. I, on the other hand, have sunk over 20 hours into it and have just started playing it again.

The “I Love You But You Make Me Angry” Award

Winner: Mass Effect 2, for being a magnificent game that I finished before all the DLC came out and considered going back to just to play the extra stuff but then decided to wait for the “definitive” PS3 version, which then has some extra DLC announced for it, too. STOP IT. STOP MAKING THAT GAME. YOU FINISHED IT. MAKE THE SEQUEL. AND DON’T FUCK IT UP OR RUSH IT OR POST REVIEWS FOR IT ON METACRITIC.

The Game I Keep Forgetting Exists But Is Actually Really Good

Winner: Frozen Synapse, a wonderfully inventive take on the competitive shooter that is turn-based and play-by-email. And awesome.

The Game I Got Best At While I Was Really Totally Off My Face On Expensive Cider

Winner: Joe Danger, a game which my friend Sam and I started playing early in the evening, got drunk and accidentally played for over 3 hours. Highlight of the night was when I discovered how to get massive scores while Sam was in the toilet, meaning that when he came back my average score was roughly 1,000 times more than when he left.

Best Game

Winner: Deadly Premonition. No further explanation required.

Best Video Game Podcast

Winner: The Squadron of Shame SquadCast. Of course.

The Alternative BAFTA Fellowship

Winner: @SpaceDrakeCF from Carpe Fulgur for the magnificent localisation job on Recettear. We’re talking a translation of Phoenix Wright quality here. Not only that, but he was consistently entertaining to follow during GDC and provided some excellent “liveblogs” of the sessions he attended.

#oneaday Day 75: Yar-Har Fiddle-De-Dee

Piracy is a crime. Most people are aware of this by now, but it still goes on. And as much as I’m not a fan of piracy per se, it’s becoming increasingly understandable why people resort to less-than-legal means to get hold of digital content. Sometimes it’s because said content isn’t available where they live without paying exorbitant amounts of money to import things. Sometimes it’s to get a different version of some content they enjoy. And sometimes it’s because the legal versions of the content don’t work in the first place.

Let’s take YouTube as an example here. YouTube launched a service in the UK last year called YouTube Shows, which carries content from Channel 4, Channel 5 and various other sources, allowing viewers to catch up on programmes they’ve missed, rather like iPlayer. This is a great service, particularly considering it’s available for free, thanks to the fact it’s supported by advertising.

At least, it’s great in theory. Until the advertising service breaks, rendering the content completely inaccessible. Because there’s no failsafe to skip a broken ad, no means of reloading with different ads if they cause the video to fail and no means to report broken content, if YouTube decides that you’re not going to watch something, you’re not going to watch it.

This is obviously a Bad Thing, but of course it’s not YouTube’s fault directly. Computers fuck up, that’s part of What They Do. But when the fact that Computers Fuck Up That’s What They Do means that a service becomes unusable, that’s when alternative means start to get 1) sought and 2) provided.

Take the various means of digital rights management that many PC games come bundled with these days, too. Several of Ubisoft’s games won’t run at all if you’re not connected to the Internet constantly while you’re playing, so if you have a dodgy wireless signal in your home, good luck playing Assassin’s Creed on the PC, since it’ll kick you from the game every time your connection drops. And now some console games are starting to take the same approach, too, with Bionic Commando Rearmed 2 on PSN being one of the first. Modern consoles are very much geared towards “always-on” connections these days, of course, but with the number of times my PS3 logs itself out of PSN with no warning every day, playing a game that depended on Internet connectivity would quickly become very frustrating.

It ends up as a vicious cycle, however. The pirates determine more and more inventive ways to circumvent the more and more inventive protective systems that publishers put in place to deter the pirates from circumventing their protective systems. And it never ends. At the moment, particularly when it comes to PC gaming, cracked versions often offer a more convenient, “better” experience than legitimate copies. And when it comes to DVDs, not having to sit through several minutes of unskippable bullshit every time you want to watch a 20-minute episode of How I Met Your Mother is always going to be a mark in favour of downloading the episodes rather than buying the DVDs.

Piracy is a crime. But buying a product isn’t, and nor is tolerating advertising to make use of a free service. So how about the legitimate consumers stop getting treated like dirt, huh?

#oneaday Day 74: Fanfic

It was late, and dark, and cold. The air was thick with desire, and there was only one thing on his mind as he quietly descended the stairs in pursuit of the one thing he wanted. His bare feet made no noise as he descended the stairs towards the home of his heart’s desire.

He reached out and opened the door to the land of forbidden pleasures and shielded his eyes against the light. He gently took his love from her prison and laid her down softly, tenderly, waiting for him patiently.

Two sheets of white, laid flat on a porcelain bed. He softly greased them up until they were slick, and smooth. Then, he picked up his love and slowly undressed her, removing her clothing a little at a time until she stood naked, unashamed, in his hand, waiting to please him, to make him happy.

He took out his weapon of choice and plunged it deep into his love, sliding through her easily, then back out again. He tenderly peeled off the edge, then plunged deep into it again, harder this time, jerking back a little more suddenly than he intended. He pulled off another, thicker piece, and thrust in for one final time. Now, he knew, it was almost time to enjoy the fruits of his labours, to savour the pleasures that his love had been saving for him. His mouth began to water at the prospect.

He laid one of the sheets over the pieces of his love, and split her down the middle with his tool. Satisfied, he stood back for a moment to gaze at that which he had wrought. His mouth was full of saliva now, and he longed to take that which he desired firmly in his hand and feel her rich, pungent bounty enter his mouth and fill his senses with the pleasure he so longed for.

He could wait no longer. Grasping her firmly, he slowly raised her to his mouth and parted his lips just enough to allow his love to enter. He felt the familiar pleasurable sensations as he let just the tip slip into his mouth, and his tongue tasted his love’s familiar flavour. Desire overcame him quickly, and he bit down hard, sinking his teeth into his love, feeling her yield to his strength. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, enjoying every moment.

“Damn,” he thought, “I really love cheese sandwiches.”

#oneaday Day 73: The Late Review – Final Fantasy XIII

[This post contains spoilers.]

Final Fantasy XIII is a game about control in its many forms. What happens if the State or Church has complete control over the populace? What happens if beings beyond our understanding control the resources that determine humanity’s survival? How do you challenge a fate which seems to be set in stone?

This theme permeates the entire game, from its visual design through its progression structure to the oft-criticised linearity. The game starts with the Sanctum-endorsed “Purge” sending hundreds of citizens to their death. Lightning and her soon-to-be companions are the ones who step up to challenge this seemingly-inevitable fate, but they don’t really have a choice. It’s fight or die, and to our heroes, death is not an option. This sets them on their path, and once they’re on this path, there’s no escaping their destiny: they are going to become Pulse l’Cie and receive their Focus: to destroy Cocoon as Ragnarok.

This inescapable destiny is reflected by the fact that there’s no deviation from the path on which you, the player, can move. The first part of the game is completely linear for some time, and this is entirely appropriate for the theme. It reflects several things: the tightly-ordered society that is the Sanctum-dominated Cocoon, and the inevitability of preordained destiny. It’s not until much, much later in the game that our heroes come across the verdant green hills of Pulse, a land devoid of human life and thus free of the “control” and corruption which the Sanctum and, by extension, the fal’Cie hold over the heads of the population of Cocoon.

But there’s subtler things, too. As our heroes progress along their path, they grow in power. At the start of the game, they don’t learn from their experiences. Shortly after they become l’Cie, they have the opportunity to develop themselves in the disciplines in which they’re good at. Shortly before they arrive at Pulse, when they make the decision to challenge the unjust fate which appears to lie before them, their options open up. The player is able to develop them down pathways which were formerly closed to them. It’s harder work for seemingly relatively little benefit, at least to begin with, but the option is there. The path of least resistance still allows the greatest benefits, but those who are willing to make the effort and invest the time will find it pays off later. And as their l’Cie brands advance, bringing them ever-closer to their inescapable destiny—destroy Cocoon or endure an existence worse than death—ironically, their options open up and their potential for advancement becomes ever stronger.

It transpires throughout the course of the story that the party has, in fact, been manipulated for nefarious ends. The interesting thing about the end section of the game is that it jumps firmly back onto rails, but this time it’s rails that the party (and/or the player) has chosen to jump onto and follow to their conclusion. There’s nothing stopping the player keeping the party down on Pulse, indulging in sidequests, trying to hunt down elusive treasure and wondering if they’ll ever be tough enough to take down one of those enormous Adamantoise creatures. The player makes the choice to return to Cocoon and see the story through to its eventual conclusion. And when the final confrontation ends up causing that which the party had struggled so hard to avoid, it’s through strength of will that Fang and Vanille manage to use Ragnarok’s power to make a choice. A choice not to destroy Cocoon, but to save it instead. The two worlds are changed forever by their actions. The choices that they made put into motion a chain of events that inextricably tie Pulse and Cocoon together—literally, physically.

Ironically, of course, the ultimate control of Final Fantasy XIII’s world is that which the creators hold over the player. The characters make choices for themselves and the player is powerless to do anything about it. The player is just along for the ride. But the lengthy setup, the introduction of the characters and the resolution of all their personal stories by the time the party reaches the relative “freedom” of Pulse—if the player has let themselves become invested in the fates of these diverse characters, if they can let themselves look past these characters’ first impressions: that Lightning is an aloof, arrogant arse; that Snow is an idiot; that Hope is a whiny brat; that Vanille is an irritatingly girly girl; that Sazh has a stupid name and never quite seems to understand what’s going on; that Fang is all too quick to jump off a metaphorical cliff at the slightest provocation—then they’ll be right there with them, rooting for them as they decide the fate of the world.

Final Fantasy XIII isn’t for everyone. The mixed critical reception the game got on its initial release is more than enough to make that abundantly apparent. Is it the large tracts of linearity, the characters, the fact it’s not Final Fantasy (insert number here) that puts people off? I don’t know. But I absolutely loved it. It was a spectacular thrill-ride with characters that despite occasional pretensions of obnoxiousness that they display at the outset, end up being a good, memorable ensemble cast—and seriously, what JRPG cast doesn’t have occasional pretensions of obnoxiousness? I found it fun to play and beat it with a sense of satisfaction and closure, not least because of the fact that I know that it’s over (until the full-on sequel of course) and won’t feel obliged to return because of some piecemeal DLC.

I am half-tempted to go Trophy-hunting and/or finish off the last 24% of sidequests on Pulse that I didn’t complete—but if I don’t, I still feel like I’ve had a satisfyingly “complete” experience. And that, in this day and age of games that keep getting extended, extended, extended and thus losing the impact of their original “ending”… that’s something to be celebrated.

#oneaday Day 72: Jam on Toast

The tail-lights of the cars in front of you brighten as they apply the brakes. Your collective speed drops. There seem to be an awful lot more cars around than there were a moment ago, and a few trucks, too. Your heart sinks.

Yes, you’re entering a traffic jam.

At this point, you will do one (or more) of several things. You may suddenly wonder if you have enough music to cover the entire period this eventuality may cover. You may consider phoning someone at your destination to let them know you’re likely to be late. You may decide that no, this jam couldn’t possibly last for very long because it appeared out of nowhere, so there’s no need to phone ahead, because you left the house with plenty of time to spare just in case this happened. You may emit a string of incredibly loud and offensive swearwords—this is considerably more likely if you’re in the car by yourself and/or are an extrovert/sufferer of Tourette’s.

Then you see the electronic signs warning you of the “recommended” speeds (or, if you’re on the M25, the actual variable speed limit which you can be pulled over and/or caught on speed camera for.) You see it and you figure that hey, 40 mph may not be quick, but at least it’s moving, right?

Wrong. What they don’t tell you is that the “recommended” speeds are actually a cunningly disguised secret code. Fortunately, I have cracked it.

  • 20mph – You ain’t going anywhere for at least an hour and probably more like three hours, plus.
  • 40mph – You will move, but very slowly. You will be lucky to break 20mph.
  • 60mph – You will move at a relatively comfortable speed but will be lucky to break 40mph and will often have to brake suddenly for no apparent reason.
  • End of speed limit – Theoretically, you are allowed to drive at full speed now, but the volume of traffic coming out of the jam means that this will be very difficult to achieve for at least another half an hour.

People have developed various coping mechanisms in order to deal with the stress and frustration of traffic jams. You could shout and swear some more. You could turn your music up. If you’re a Mercedes driver, you could weave in and out of lanes in an attempt to get as far forward as possible. And if you’re an asshole, you could use the hard shoulder and/or filter lanes for junctions to “jump the queue” and get as far forward as possible by barging in. But if you do this, you deserve to be scooped up by a gigantic super-powerful electromagnet (which picks your car up, obviously, not you, unless you’re a robot) and fed to an ant-eater which has been inflated to unnatural proportions via the ethically questionable misuse of SCIENCE! and which has developed a taste for cars—so much so that the giant form of the ant-eater has in fact been re-dubbed the car-eater.

So yeah. Don’t do that. Sit and wait patiently. Because ultimately, no amount of screaming, shouting, swearing, lane-weaving or driving like a dick is going to affect the fact that there are hundreds of cars stuck in place, just like you. And until the day when all cars have a button that allows them to take off and fly away like the DeLorean in Back to the Future (when, if you think about it, we won’t really need roads at all any more) there’s nothing you can do about it.

So sit. Wait. Suffer with the rest of us.

#oneaday Day 71: Want Not

I haven’t bought anything “new” for some time now, be it a book, CD, DVD, Blu-Ray or game. (Actually, that’s a lie, I picked up Deathsmiles recently but only because if I didn’t grab a copy now I doubt I’d ever see it on store shelves ever again, but that’s beside the point. I probably shouldn’t have started on this aside as it is taking away from my original point somewhat. Forget I said anything and let’s start again.)

I haven’t bought anything “new” for some time now, be it a book, CD, DVD, Blu-Ray or game. (Actually… (No! Stop it!) What? (You know what.) Oh all right.) And you know what? I don’t miss it. (I’m going to focus on games here.) I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on Dragon Age II. There are many other things I could list but I won’t because it would be terribly boring.

There are many reasons I haven’t missed buying these things. Firstly and most obviously, it’s saving money, something I’m woefully short of at the minute. Secondly, though, there’s really no need to constantly have the latest and greatest the second it comes out. What does it achieve, really? You pay full price, have to enter six bajillion redemption codes to download all the DLC that should be on the game disc (don’t get me started!) and know that there’s going to be more of it in the future. Wait a few months and you could likely have a better edition for less money and more Stuff. You also get to avoid all the “pre-order bonus” bullshit that big publishers are starting to pull these days, because the content in question is often then included in that newer edition.

The third and probably most important reason, though, is that not rushing out to buy something awesome the second it comes out is the fact that you can then just enjoy what you’ve already got. I’m currently playing through Final Fantasy XIII, a game which I picked up months ago, played approximately 20 hours of, stopped due to something else coming out, and never went back to until recently. Now, those who dislike FFXIII will undoubtedly say that I shouldn’t have bothered, but I’m having a blast, and the fact I’m not feeling “pressured” to beat it as quickly as possible means that I can savour the beautiful world that makes up that game, take my time to explore and enjoy the extra content it has on offer, and move on to beat it when I’m good and ready. When I’ve beaten that, I have Demon’s Souls, Disgaea 3, Darksiders, Resident Evil 4, killer7 and a whole host of other things to play through—a backlog of games that literally covers years. Eventually I’ll get through them all—hopefully in time for a Dragon Age II game of the year edition or even Mass Effect 3.

Of course, this will all go out the window once Catherine comes out in the States and I immediately import it but hey. That’s another one that might end up being hard to find, so it’s an investment, hey?