2526: Quiet Weekend

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I’ve been working all week, and I now have two full days — a proper weekend — to look forward to. And I am indeed very much looking forward to it.

In particular, I’m looking forward to spending some more quality time with Final Fantasy XV and Pokémon Moon, both of which I’ve had the chance to play sporadically throughout the week, but not for particularly protracted periods of time due to the necessity of getting up the next day in time for work.

I’ve always appreciated free time with no commitments, but nothing really makes you appreciate it quite like a week of hard work, whatever form that hard work takes — whether it’s getting out of the house and doing something in exchange for money, or simply doing something useful at home.

Although the work I’m doing is just temporary — it’s the same seasonal position in retail I held last year — I’m enjoying it, and I’m noticing a few positive things about myself in the process. In particular, I’m finding it a lot easier to quite simply talk to people and feel like “part of the group”. Whether this is a result of working with the same people I worked with last year and consequently not having to build new relationships from scratch, or if it’s something to do with the new medication I started on about a month back, I’m not sure — it’s probably a combination of those two things — but I am, on the whole, feeling uncharacteristically satisfied with certain aspects of myself at present.

There are plenty of things I’m unsatisfied with too, of course — most notably having put a bunch of weight back on since losing a bunch with Slimming World last year, though since changing medication I have subsequently discovered part of the blame for that can be laid at the feet of the pills I was on earlier in the year — but for now I’m trying to enjoy life as much as I can. I don’t doubt that in January when my temporary position comes to an end that things will get a little difficult and tight once again, but I have a few plans in place for things to do and some potential opportunities to pursue.

It’s perhaps a tiny bit early to review the whole year, though most people will probably agree 2016 has largely been a big pile of shit. That said, this last couple of months have proven to be a little better than the rest of the year, at least, so all I can really hope for at the moment is that the worst is over and that this is the start of the long climb back out of the abyss into something resembling a normal, satisfying, happy life.

It remains to be seen what 2017 has to hold, but I’m not worrying about that too much for the moment. Right now, I have a full weekend to look forward to. And I intend to enjoy it as much as possible by doing as little as possible.

2502: Black Friday

Spare a thought for the retail workers of the world, who have to work on days like today.

I’m still not 100% clear on where Black Friday came from — and, moreover, why it crossed the pond from America to Europe — but I have pretty mixed feelings about it on the whole.

On the one hand, it’s nice to have a period of time when you know you can rely on getting low prices and decent deals on things that you might be interested in buying. In the online sector, events such as Steam sales and “Cyber Monday” deals demonstrate this clearly.

On the other hand, compressing aforementioned low prices and decent deals into a single weekend — or, in some cases, a single day — seems a little counterproductive when it comes to brick-and-mortar operations in particular.

An event such as Black Friday means that stores are probably going to be rammed full of people, making it a less pleasant experience for everyone shopping and significantly harder work for those people working the store who have to try and answer questions, ensure everyone gets served, keep the shop looking as presentable as possible and ensure no-one is wandering out of the door in possession of things they haven’t paid for.

At the same time, though, an event such as Black Friday may encourage people to pick up things that they otherwise wouldn’t have thought to purchase or been able to purchase at their normally higher prices. I personally haven’t bought anything this Black Friday — at least partly because I was working the damn thing — but if I was going to buy something like an Xbox One (the one “next-gen” console I still don’t own), Black Friday would appear to be a decent time to do so.

Like I say, mixed feelings. And if you’ve been out there in the rush and the chaos of people trying to get a hot deal, as I say, spare a thought for the folks who are rushed off their feet trying to make sure everyone leaves satisfied.

Now I’m going to bed to pass out and wait for my feet to stop hurting.

2498: Contributing Something

I went back to “proper” work today for the first time in quite a while. It’s nothing fancy or exciting — just a seasonal retail job in our local video game emporium — but I enjoyed my time there last year and was fortunate enough to be called up to help out over the impending holiday season.

While retail is fairly mundane work for the most part, it is at least a nice opportunity to get out of the house, do something and actually interact with human beings, which is something I feel like I’ve been sorely missing for a while. Don’t get me wrong, social anxiety is still present and correct, but I feel like I can usually cope better with interactions in a structured environment such as retail, where both parties involved in a conversation are there for a specific reason. The customer is there to either get some information or buy something, and I am there to provide whatever it is they are asking for, or to provide them with a suitable alternative if the thing they want isn’t available.

It can be quite rewarding, too — not financially, since retail pay remains fairly poo across the board, but in terms of knowing that you’ve helped someone. At this time of year in particular, a lot of people come into shops they might not normally go into wanting to buy presents, and this means that they often need advice. Well, that exhaustive knowledge of video games had to be useful for something, didn’t it?

Since I worked my first retail job — I’ve done several over the years — I’ve found that the way I communicate with customers usually puts them at ease and encourages them to trust what I am saying. I’m not sure exactly what it is — perhaps it’s the fact I display genuine enthusiasm for the things I’m talking about, or perhaps my teacher training lets me explain things suitably for all levels of knowledge — but it usually seems to go down well, and I’ve sent many a customer on their way with a smile on their face over the course of the last few years.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for anything more than working the floor, keeping things tidy and ringing up sales — although I guess you don’t know until you’re in a position to take a bit more responsibility and try it for yourself — but for now at least, this is providing both something to do and some money coming in, which is what I needed.

What will happen to me next year is anyone’s guess. But I suppose that’s the holiday period covered, at least.

2481: Rejected, Again

I did not get shortlisted for the job I mentioned the other day that I actually 1) rather wanted and 2) felt confident I would be able to do well at.

I am getting really quite tired of the same old copy-paste rejection email that everywhere seems to use. “Dear [name], Thank you for your application for [insert position here]. Unfortunately, on this occasion you have not been successful. Please have a nice life and try not to fall into a crippling pit of depression because no-one anywhere appears to want to hire you for anything, even things you have demonstrable abilities in and thus the potential to excel. Now we’re going out with the normal people who have real jobs. Fuck you.”

I added the last bit, but I feel like it’s implied every time I receive one of these.

I am sick of this. Fucking sick of it. I am doing everything “right”. I am following all the suggestions I read all over the Internet and hear in discussions with people. I am applying for jobs whenever and wherever I can, with preference for those positions that are directly relevant to my skills but also taking a chance on those that sound like something I might be able to do. I am updating my CV regularly, and producing tailored versions of it for different positions. I am writing covering letters that directly address the job description and person specification while making me appear like an actual human being rather than machine-generated business-speak.

And still fucking nothing.

I’m lucky to actually hear anything from all the places I’ve applied to. Most simply ignore me, leaving me wondering if I will ever actually hear from them, so I guess I should be a little bit grateful for those places that at least have the courtesy to give me a definite “no”, but frankly it’s hard to feel anything positive towards this whole ridiculous, demoralising and soul-crushingly upsetting process.

I should probably just go and apply to work at my local Tesco — they’re hiring, after all. But you know what? I’m absolutely sick of doing shit that is beneath what I’m capable of, what I’m qualified for and what I have demonstrable experience in. I’m sick of settling for not even second best. I am so much more. I am capable of so much more. But no-one will let me prove that to them. And that’s enormously upsetting. It makes me feel like it’s not even worth bothering to try.

I just want to be recognised. Appreciated for my talents. Acknowledged as a person. But none of those things are happening, and with each passing day this continues to be true I feel more and more worthless; a waste of space contributing little to the world and apparently having no skills that anyone considers to be useful or meaningful in 2016.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t see a way out of this pit. I’m trying, by God I’m trying, but the walls are smooth and slick, and there’s seemingly no way to pull myself up and out. And no-one seems to be coming to throw me a rope, either.

2474: Pay Your Damn Workers

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One of the things I’ve noticed as someone who has spent more than his fair share of time looking for suitably gainful employment is the number of employers out there who undervalue their workers, expecting them to work long hours at demanding jobs for pitiful pay — and in some extreme cases, expecting them to work on a voluntary basis.

The growth in the number of jobs where the people who do all the heavy lifting (literal or metaphorical) have to act as self-employed is disheartening. It’s clearly a transparent, cost-cutting measure that means employers don’t have to provide workers with any kind of benefits — whether it’s basic things like holiday and cover for days you can’t work, or more structured benefits such as pension plans, healthcare and the like — under the pretense of being more convenient and flexible for the worker.

The above would be more acceptable if the payouts for workers were commensurate with the amount of effort (and/or physical exertion) they have to put in, but sadly more often than not they simply aren’t. What you end up with are a bunch of companies who are effectively paying their workers less than minimum wage while offering them no benefits, no National Insurance contributions, no Pay As You Earn tax deductions and little to no job satisfaction.

At the time of writing, I’m working two assignments on a self-employed basis. One of them pays a fair wage for some honest, specialised work, so I don’t mind working for them in this way at all — though I do, at times, wish they’d pay me a bit sooner and provide me with enough assignments to make it a legitimate full-time job, as that would go a long way to assuaging my presently perpetual state of anxiety. The other, I’m feeling, does not feel like it has enough benefits to outweigh the drawbacks, even though it presents the prospect of more regular income. (That said, taking into account the expenses I incur while working this latter position makes said income look even more woeful than it already is.)

I don’t know. I’m just currently feeling physically exhausted and incredibly disheartened at how things have been going for me, and I don’t know the best thing to do about it. The vaguely rational part of my brain tells me that sucking it up and paying my dues is the sensible thing to do, regardless of how exhausting it is and how awful a work-life balance it affords me. But the part of me that wants to not collapse and actually have time to enjoy life — even if it’s with tight purse strings — suggests that the healthy thing to do, mentally and physically, might be to nip things in the bud before I get too stressed out by the whole thing.

Goddammit, GamePro. Why’d you have to close down? I was happy working for you. Genuinely. More happy than I’ve ever been working any job since. All I want is to be happy and satisfied with what I do, and to be paid a fair wage for it. With every passing day, I worry more and more that I’m never going to achieve that.

2473: Closing Date

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It is the closing date for applications for a job I’d actually quite like tomorrow. Supposedly the closing date marks the time when said job will actually start shortlisting applicants, so no-one will have heard anything back from it yet.

This particular job application sticks in my mind because the process was much more than the usual CV and coverletter crapshoot that 95% of positions seem to require. Rather, the application process was more of a “virtual interview”, with a number of questions specifically designed to let the applicant talk about the ways their skills and experience make them eminently suitable for the job.

This strikes me as a good way of finding someone that you would actually like to work for you, because it allows the applicant much more opportunity to talk specifics about how they think they will suit the position, and it allows the employer much more opportunity to judge the applicant through specific examples rather than the usual generic rubbish people put in cover letters about being “passionate” and “enthusiastic” about things no-one in their right mind is passionate and enthusiastic about.

I understand why the majority of positions advertise on the big sites and simply require a CV and cover letter, mind you — with the sheer number of positions each company has to fill, it would probably be impractical to 1) design a unique questionnaire for each position and 2) have someone actually go through the answers in detail rather than simply judging on the basis of a CV and cover letter — perhaps only superficially in some cases.

That said, the organisation that is recruiting for the position I mentioned — I’m not giving specifics just yet because I don’t want to jinx anything — is not exactly a small operation, and doubtless employs hundreds of people for its various roles at the very least. And if they can find the time to produce a tailor-made questionnaire specifically for the position that I’ve applied for, it would be nice to see other companies following suit.

Surely it would be for the best in the long run? It’s pretty easy to lie on CVs and in cover letters, whereas if you’re given specific, directed questions it’s a lot harder to bullshit your way through them if you don’t actually have the answers. For once, I actually felt like I had the answers to the questions and could speak from a position of confidence rather than the subservient position of self-justification that I normally feel like I’m in. That made me feel pretty good about the application — though naturally it will also make me feel pretty bad if I don’t get the position, because it feels like the first good opportunity that has come my way in quite a long time.

I would like a normal life with a normal job. Instead, I’m currently working 7 days a week for peanuts doing something mind-numbingly boring and physically tiring. But I guess I should be semi-grateful, at least: peanuts is, after all, greater than zero, and I hope — I wish more than anything — that this is only temporary, and that good things will come to me soon.

I have to hope that, because the other possibility is becoming increasingly unbearable to contemplate.

2352: Fuzzy Head

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I’ve had a horrible, fuzzy head today. I don’t mean physically — although after getting my hair cut yesterday, my head is a bit fuzzy — but rather a not terribly pleasant feeling of “detachment”; of being slightly “out of phase” with the rest of the world. And a slight headache.

I’ve felt this before, and it’s usually a symptom of depression and anxiety. In this instance, the fact I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few nights and am feeling especially worried about my future have been contributing particularly to the way I’m feeling. It’s not nice, so after writing this I’m going to go and sit in bed and relax with a bit of Ys: Memories of Celceta, then try and actually get off to sleep at a reasonable time if at all possible.

I actually have a job interview tomorrow. As usual when this happens, I’m being struck with anxiety over whether or not I’m actually suitable for the job and whether or not I’m going to make an idiot of myself in the interview. (Mind you, last time I thought I made an idiot of myself in the interview I ended up getting the job. Of course, that turned out to be the worst job I’d ever had, but that’s perhaps beside the point.) The thing I’ve been telling myself — and Andie said the same earlier — is that if I looked completely unqualified and unsuitable for this job, the company wouldn’t have got in touch and offered me an interview in the first place. This isn’t any guarantee that I’ll actually get the position, of course — given the geographical location, I’m not sure I’d want it, anyway, as it would mean a bit of a commute each day — but we’ll see.

All in all, I haven’t had a particularly good day. Not for any particular reason — nothing actually bad has happened, I just feel shitty.

Such is the way of things when your own mind likes to do its best to sabotage your life and happiness, though.

Oh well. All I can do, I guess, is take tomorrow as it comes and see how it goes. It’s not as if the interview I have tomorrow is the only iron I have in the fire at the moment, so it doesn’t really matter one way or the other as to whether I get it. But, you know, getting back into a routine and actually having an income would be nice.

One step at a time.

2208: Am I Better Than This?

I’ve been wracked with anxiety recently, as the more astute among you may have been able to tell. Partly this has been to do with my work situation — i.e. the fact that currently I don’t have a regular job. Thankfully, I don’t have zero income thanks to some regular freelance work I’ve been doing, but that is a little too erratic to be able to rely on completely.

As such, I’ve been looking for regular positions elsewhere. Having genuinely enjoyed my stint with Game over the Black Friday-Christmas period, I was looking into other retail positions around the place. I’ve actually had a couple of interviews in the past couple of days, but today in particular I was hit with a crisis of confidence. This is nothing unusual for me, but what was a little more unusual was the circumstances surrounding it.

Basically, what happened was this: I was speaking with the company’s area manager about my application and my background. The way the retailer in question does things is a bit different from the retailers I’ve previously worked for (Apple and Game) and he pointed this out. He then said something that gave me pause.

“Your previous job,” he said. “That sounds like it was the ideal job for you. Just speaking to you now, I can say that I’d be happy taking your advice and buying from you; you seem authoritative, knowledgeable and trustworthy.”

He wasn’t wrong; were it not for the low wages — the curse of retail in most instances — then I’d absolutely agree; my stints with both Apple and Game have been the jobs I’ve enjoyed most and derived the most satisfaction from in my “career”, such as it is. And that’s because I felt like I knew what I was doing: I understood the job, I felt comfortable with my responsibilities and as a result, I exuded confidence and passion when speaking with customers.

And that’s where the problem comes in. While interviewing for the positions in the last couple of days, I just felt… uncomfortable. And it was more than the usual sort of discomfort anyone feels when faced with unfamiliar circumstances: I got a very strong gut feeling that I’m Not Doing The Right Thing. And, for the first time in quite some time I felt inspired to look for something more: to look for something that I know I’ll be able to do well at, and preferably be paid appropriately for. I will, however, settle for something I’ll be happy and comfortable doing at this point, because that can always develop into something with better hours and/or pay.

I have the weekend to mull things over a bit but I think I’ll be taking a new approach from the start of next week. Rather than casting a wide net and hoping something sticks, I’ll be pursuing things I know I’ll be good at more aggressively. At the same time, I’ll be upping the tempo on some projects I’ve had on the go for a while: the magazine I shared with you all yesterday, some ideas for non-fiction games books, and many, many ideas for fiction books. I may even look into editing and self-publishing some of the fiction I’ve previously written on this blog as an experiment, and perhaps into using a service like Patreon to allow people who enjoy my work to show their appreciation.

This route will doubtless be harder and take longer to get going, but I want to be happy and satisfied in what I do. I’m tired of constantly falling off the “ladder” and having to start climbing all over again. There has to be a better way. I have to be better than this. I know I am better than this.

Big words, I know. Whether I’ll be able to follow through on them remains to be seen, but I feel that anything is better than settling for something that is convenient but miserable rather than rewarding and fulfilling.

2205: No End in Sight

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Regular readers will know that I’m going through a bit of a Rough Patch at the minute, to say the least. Tonight it’s hitting me particularly hard, for various reasons that I shan’t go into in detail. I wanted to talk a little more generally, as I find this often helps me sort things out in my mind a bit.

The thing that’s making me feel particularly bleak right now is that it feels like there’s no end in sight for this Rough Patch. I don’t know how to resolve it; I don’t know how to “fix” it. I feel like I’ve messed up — not once, not twice, but repeatedly, and I’m now reaping the anti-rewards that are the consequence of all the things I’ve done wrong in my life, all the poor choices I’ve made.

For sure, I know that I have made plenty of poor choices along the way, but many of them didn’t seem like it at the time — and rationally speaking, I also know that I’m not the only one to blame for my current situation. The blame for that can be laid at the feet of a wide variety of people, including me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with — particularly as many of the non-me people that I blame for this situation are essentially “untouchable” despite me wanting nothing more than to at the very least yell at them and, were I feeling particularly feisty that day, slug them one right in the face.

Mostly I’m just frustrated because I’m not sure I deserve this. I feel like I have plenty to offer the world, and no way of making it clear to everyone that I matter, that I have value. I have friends and family, sure — both local and far-away — and that knowledge, to an extent, takes care of part of my emotional well-being, but it doesn’t pay the bills, and it doesn’t give me a sense of satisfaction that I am, in any way, making the most of my existence. Were I to drop dead tomorrow, 1) would anyone notice? and 2) would I be remembered for anything particularly worthwhile? Again, rationally speaking, I know the answer to both of those questions is probably “yes” — and I’m not planning on dropping dead tomorrow — but it’s difficult to remember that sometimes when you find yourself struggling to stay afloat.

I really don’t know what to do any more. For every bit of progress I feel like I make, I suffer some sort of setback. I end up not going anywhere — and, in the worst case, going backwards. When I left university, I was a teacher earning over £25k a year. Later, I had my dream job of writing about games for slightly less than that. Now I’m looking at retail jobs with wages of a relative pittance in comparison, on the grounds that 1) I feel like I can do them and 2) that’s all I feel like I can convince prospective employers I’m good for. (Not that there’s anything wrong with retail, obviously; it just feels like all that education was a bit of a waste, is all.)

I’ll figure something out. Bad things have happened to me before and I made it through. And on those past occasions, it felt like I was drowning in black tar, with no means of escape visible in any direction — and yet I still did. I have no reason to believe this time will be any different; it’s just a matter of when I can see the shoreline at the edge of this inky sea. At the moment it’s somewhere beyond the horizon.

2189: Reflections on the Last Five Years, Or: Life After Games Journalism

I’ve had a whole lot of thoughts swirling around in my head for some time now about various matters, and I feel as a therapeutic exercise — not to mention an opportunity for some of you to get to know me a bit better — it’s important that I express them somehow. I know all too well how frustrating, stressful and ultimately unhealthy it can be to have unresolved emotions and thoughts surrounding things that have happened to you — particularly bad things — and so this is my attempt to reboot my mind and try to move on a little.

Consequently, certain aspects of this post are more than likely to rub a few people up the wrong way. To those people whose jimmies are rustled I say simply: fuck you, I don’t give a shit, and if you really cared you wouldn’t have done the things you did in the first place.

In the interests of at least a facade of professionalism, I will not be naming individuals who have had a negative impact on my life in this post, though it will doubtless be extremely obvious to anyone who has been following me for a while who the people in question are. I will, however, be naming the companies involved, since that is less personal; everyone knows how unpleasant it is if you Google your own name and find something not terribly complimentary, whereas, unless you own a monolithic corporation, you probably care a little less about someone talking smack about your monolithic corporation. That’s how I’m going to attempt to justify myself about this, anyway.

Also, this post is crazy long, so for the benefit of those who only read on my front page, here’s a Read More tag.

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