2042: Question Time

For today’s post, I’m going to raid my Retrospring inbox for questions, then answer them. (I’ll be posting these answers on Retrospring as I go, too, so if you follow me on Twitter and have read these already, you can safely skip this post.)

Let’s begin!

Is chivalry dead?

I wouldn’t say it’s “dead” per se, but I do feel like it’s almost frowned upon in today’s hyper-sensitive culture surrounding gender. Acts that one person believes to be “chivalrous” can be interpreted as “benevolent sexism” by another, so it feels almost like chivalrous acts are being discouraged — at least when it comes to traditional things like a man holding the door open for a woman, “ladies first” and all that sort of thing. Personally speaking, I think this is a load of old tosh, but in the interests of keeping people quiet I just try and be a decent sort of chap to anyone, regardless of gender.

Ever regretted something you’ve done even though you know it’s really just a small and unimportant thing?

Oh yeah! Many, many times. As I sit here I’m having trouble thinking of a specific example, but yes, most definitely. With the anxiety-riddled way in which my mind works, too, I inevitably end up spending hours or even days worrying about whether or not I should have done that thing.

I guess a good example would be from back before I started doing Slimming World; a hefty proportion of my weight gain could probably be attributed to simply not knowing when to stop, and consuming, say, an entire bag of sweets even though I’d maybe start feeling a bit queasy halfway through the bag and should probably have stopped then. I regretted doing that every time it happened, because I could see the consequences. It took a long time to pluck up the courage to admit it was a problem and finally do something about it, though. Now I’m 4.5 stone lighter than I was when this was an issue, and I certainly don’t regret that particular decision.

What are some of your favorite Japanese Role Playing Games?

I really have trouble picking favourites, as I tend to have a positive outlook on whatever I’m playing, and it’s pretty rare I will abandon something completely — I usually try to “see the good” in things where possible, because that’s much more fun and rewarding than writing something off immediately. As a result of this, I’ve become a fan of many games that have either flown under the radar or been poorly reviewed by the media.

Favourites off the top of my head include the Hyperdimension Neptunia series, Tales of Xillia and its sequel, Criminal Girls, Omega Quintet, Final Fantasy XIV, ZHP: Unlosing Ranger vs. Darkdeath Evilman (really must beat that one day) and… oh, too many to list.

In games where you have the option of playing Good or Evil, which side do you generally pick?

Good. Always. I find it way too difficult to play Evil; I get emotionally attached to things very easily indeed, and I feel really bad mistreating them, even if they’re just a collection of pixels. The only time I ever really successfully played “evil” was when I worked through the Dark Brotherhood storyline in Oblivion. Even then, once I was done with that and the Thieves’ Guild’s quests, I couldn’t resist embarking on a journey of redemption and was pretty much a paragon of virtue by the time I was finished with that game.

How do you feel with ecchi in anime when it’s not central ?

I like it! I’m a red-blooded male and I enjoy some tits and ass as much as a typical red-blooded male can be expected to. I feel ecchi is most effective when it’s incorporated as part of a work’s overall aesthetic, though, rather than just dropped in for the sake of a quick panty shot just to say there’s a panty shot in there. Senran Kagura is a good example, though that’s a game, I know: there, the ecchi is simply part of the game’s overall look and feel, and after spending some time with the game it’s simply What It Does.

Would you rather talk online publicly or privately?

I can’t really give a straight answer to that one, because it’s different for different situations. I talk about things privately with my friends when I don’t want to “go public” with something, or if it would be inappropriate, unprofessional, a breach of an agreement or outright illegal to do so. But I also talk about things publicly, because that’s one of the main ways you meet new people and find out more about them on the Internet. Without talking about things publicly, I wouldn’t have made some of the great friends I’ve made on the Internet over the last few years.

Ever felt like pretty convincing evidence is staring you straight in the face but you still fervently deny whatever it is the evidence is pointing at?

I’m sure there are plenty of examples of this, but admitting what they are wouldn’t be fervently denying them now, would it? Human beings are stubborn creatures; when we get an opinion on something, we sure as hell don’t like to change our minds about it.

ＤＯＹＯＵＬＩＫＥＴＯＣＹＢＥＲ－ＴＥＸＴ？

Sure. The written word can be a powerful, uh, stimulus. To the… imagination. Yes, imagination.

Do you own any collector/premium/limited editions of things you like?

Yeah! I didn’t used to bother with limited editions, but since getting into Japanese games and anime, I’ve been much more inclined to pick up special editions where possible, I think perhaps because I’m aware these things are “rarer” by their very definition of being more niche interest than, say, your Assassin’s Creeds or your Call of Duties. I’m enjoying being a collector of these things, and I proudly display them on my shelf at home. They’re a conversation piece as well as being something that brings me comfort, as strange as that might sound.

All right, I think that’ll do for now. If you want to ask me random stupid questions now and again, pay my Retrospring profile a visit here — you can even ask questions anonymously if you want!

2027: Questions, Questions, Questions

I like questions. They’re a good starting point for conversations, and they’re a great writing prompt. For this reason, I’m very fond of social sites like Retrospring and Ask.FM, though it can sometimes be a challenge to get people to actually ask interesting questions.

Today, then, inspired by the fact I’ve been playing with Retrospring a bit recently — ask me anything here (caution: Umaru boobs) — I thought I’d work through a few questions as writing prompts. Rather than just being lazy and using my Retrospring answers, though — which is tempting, believe me — I thought I’d make use of the dearly-departed Plinky.com, and use some of its writing prompts that it still has available. I’m not going to spend more than a paragraph on each, mind.

All right! Let’s begin.

Was there a toy or thing you always wanted as a child, during the holidays or on your birthday, but never received? Tell us about it.

Lots of things, I’m sure! Every child wants absolutely everything because they have no concept whatsoever of what money is or how it works. (I remember when I was young and my mother remarked that they were a bit low on money that month, and in my primary school wisdom I suggested they just “go to the bank and get some more”) Specifics, though? Hmm. I quite wanted Red Venom, the evil counterpart to the awesome Manta Force toy that I had, but never got one. I also wanted a Mega Drive to go along with my Super NES, but never got one. I’ll probably live.

Write about a noise — or even a silence — that won’t go away. (We’ll let you interpret this in different ways…)

Thanks, mysterious question master. Well, there are indeed lots of ways this can be interpreted. It could be interpreted as something simple like tinnitus — I like to listen to music loud in the car and on headphones, so occasionally give myself mild bouts of this — or it could be used to describe an “earworm” of a piece of music that just won’t go away. In the latter case, I think the opening theme to Monster Musume definitely counts as this, particularly the bit where Centorea is doing her “whooshwhooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh” bit with her sword.

What’s your learning style? Do you prefer learning in a group and in an interactive setting? Or one-on-one? Do you retain information best through lectures, or visuals, or simply by reading books?

Whoa whoa whoa there, sparky, one question at a time. My learning style… uh… I’m not really sure, actually. Depends somewhat on my mood, but I’m quite good at learning by myself using books. I like to have practical examples of the things that I’m learning and ways I can practice those skills. If I’m learning under someone, I generally prefer one-on-one as there’s less scope for embarrassment if you can’t do something while everyone else can. I loathe passive lectures, though; they put me to sleep, particularly if the subject matter isn’t something I’m particularly interested in in the first place.

You have 15 minutes to address the whole world live (on television or radio — choose your format). What would you say?

Given my self-imposed “one paragraph” rule, I’ll paraphrase: I’d tell people that they need to be better to one another, and that they need to stop judging each other on stupid things, be it skin colour, race, gender, sexuality or even tastes in entertainment. Everyone is different, and that’s something that should be celebrated, but we should also enjoy it when we manage to find people on the same wavelength as us. Worry less about what’s “problematic” and “troubling”, and focus more on the positives. Stop listening to blowhards like Anita Sarkeesian, Jonathan McIntosh and Michael Pachter. (One of these things is not like the others.) Make up your own mind about how you feel, and don’t berate other people if they feel differently. (Unless, of course, they’re actually hurting someone, in which case you can give them a swift kick in the genitals.) Above all, don’t be a massive cunt.

Do you play in your daily life? What says “playtime” to you?

I’m not in full-time work at the moment, so all day is technically “playtime”. That’s not true at all, of course; I spend a considerable proportion of the days when I’m not working worrying about the fact I’m not working and that I’m not earning any money, then attempting to be proactive about getting some work to do. Playtime, though, is extremely important, as it helps you to unwind and switch off from the stresses of the day. Everyone should play. Exactly what “play” means is different for everyone, but you should find something that (preferably) has nothing to do with your job, and indulge in it until you feel happy and content.

Are you good at what you do? What would you like to be better at?

It’s difficult to say “what I do” these days. I’ve been through so many jobs and things that I’m really not sure what my “identity” in this regard is any more. The one real constant has been writing, though, and I think I’m quite good at that. I’d like to be better at music and computery things on the technical side (both hardware and software); these are both things I was really good at when I was a youngster, but my knowledge hasn’t really “moved with the times” over the years, unfortunately. I’ll happily throw myself into attempting to learn things, but some stuff just doesn’t stick; I can still program complicated things in Atari BASIC, for example, but I can never remember how fucking JavaScript works.

Share the story of a time you felt unsafe.

I’m not good with any situation where I worry I might hurt myself, so I try and avoid them whenever possible. One example that springs to mind is a time some university friends and I went up to Sheffield to visit a friend who had moved there. During our stay, we went walking in the impressive hills nearby, and several of our number decided they wanted to climb a rock face, and did so without too much difficulty. I got a few inches off the ground, became utterly terrified and refused to go any further. I’m not proud of that, really, but I’m also glad I didn’t go through with it, as the shoes I was wearing really weren’t suitable for that sort of thing, and I probably would have hurt myself.

Think about something that drives you crazy. Now, think about something that makes you happy. Does it change your perspective on the former?

Nope, unfortunately, because the thing that drives me crazy is the way people act towards the thing that makes me happy. Get out of that little paradox, if you will.

(Last one for now.)

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I’m scared of all sorts of things — many of which would appear to be stupid to the average observer, but such is the nature of anxiety-related issues. I think the thing I’m most scared to do is simply the mundaneness that is finding a job that is worth my time and effort, sticking with it and accepting that that is who I am: nothing special, nothing remarkable, nothing out of the ordinary. Or perhaps I’m just too proud to do that. Either way, it’s something that isn’t happening at the moment, and it probably should; ultimately, it’s going to be that ol’ faithful motivator money that makes me do something about it, I guess.

#oneaday, Day 308: Google Is Your Middleman Preventing Effective Communication

Ladies and gentlemen, we are afflicted with a plague of the Information Age. The plague of “Google/the search bar is your friend”. A plague of laziness, if you will, as this is a catch-all response which makes it look like you’re being vaguely helpful and/or knowledgeable when in fact all you’re doing is being an arrogant asshole and trying to get out of answering a question as quickly as possible.

Google is wonderful, of course. It is generally possible to find the information you’re looking for quite quickly, especially if you’re familiar with some of those handy tips and tricks on how to phrase your search query. But sometimes—just sometimes—you want a human response to a question. So you ask people. You might ask them on a forum. You might ask them on Twitter. You might email someone and ask about it.

If you receive one of these emails/tweets/forum posts and instinctively go for the “insert ‘Google is your friend’ template”, I have one request.

Stop it.

Sometimes when someone is asking a question, they don’t just want an answer. They want to open a discussion. They want to find out who knows things so they can get a better understanding of that person or the community. They might be new to the community and unaware that the question has been asked before. Or they might—get this—have already tried Googling it, been confronted with “about 7,190,000 results” in “0.23 seconds” (“how to change a lightbulb”, for the curious) and been understandably intimidated, or unsure which one of the often-conflicting pages to believe.

Okay, “how to change a lightbulb” is perhaps a bad example as there aren’t many pages out there that helpfully inform you that the best way to change a lightbulb is to stick it up your arse and then attempt to fart it into the socket. But take a question about, say, philosophy or a political perspective. Tons of pages out there are biased one way or another, and as such it might not be clear which one is the “correct” perspective. True, asking a person the same question is also open to bias. But at least when you’re dealing with a person, you have the opportunity to question their point of view and for them to justify it.

Actually, instructional “how-to” guides aren’t such a bad example. Let’s say you have a non-standard light fitting, as I did in the bathroom of my old flat. I was unable to work out how to remove the cover for it as I didn’t know what the fitting was called. I posted a photo online and people gave some suggestions. Eventually, I levered it off with the help of a stepladder and a teaspoon. I now consider myself adequately qualified to be able to help someone else in the same position, because surely I can’t have been the only person in the world with a light fitting like that. So if anyone asks me about it, I’m not going to ram their face into Google, which they’ve probably already done. I’m going to give them an answer, even if said answer is readily available elsewhere on the Internet.

If you’re a “Google is your friend”-er, then try taking just an extra minute or two out of your undoubtedly busy schedule to help someone out. You might find they appreciate it, rather than getting arsey about you sounding like a big know-it-all. So stop hiding behind Google and help a brotha/sista out. You might learn something, too.

#oneaday, Day 285: Questions You Probably Never Wanted To Know The Answer To

[Yes, I know I forgot to rename this comic. Deal with it.]

Sometimes topics come up in conversation that make you wonder how on Earth you got onto that subject in the first place. Such was the case when I had a conversation last weekend about whether or not any of us had taken a piss in the shower.

Thanks to the wonder of the Internet, though, it’s possible to get answers to these burning questions at any time. Everything from Twitter to Formspring is set up in such a way to make asking stupid questions very easy.

Sometimes, though, you can’t think of a decent question. So with that in mind, I present to you the answers to five different questions which I have thought up off the top of my head. And if you’d like to ask me anything else, please feel free to do so in the comments or via the “Ask Me Anything” link at the top of the page. Or by clicking here. It’s anonymous and everything.

Have you ever had a wee in the shower?

No. No I haven’t. But I was alarmed to discover that quite a few of my friends – both male and female – have. One friend, who shall remain anonymous, said that “there’s no reason not to, apart from the fact your shower smells a bit of piss afterwards”.

Me, though, I tend to prefer bathroom activities to take place in the receptacles for which they were intended. Piss goes in the toilet. Dirt from your filth-encrusted body goes in the shower or bath.

Have you ever cross-dressed?

Yes. I made a beautiful fairy. See?

So pretty.

What is the strangest thing you have ever put in your mouth?

Deep-fried garlic at some Japanese restaurant in St Marks, New York. (I think.) And yes, deep-fried garlic is exactly what it sounds like. Take one lump of garlic. Deep-fry it. Eat. Surprisingly tasty, but definitely odd.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Four, because you’re too rockin’ for one hand.

Would you rather die from chronic flatulence or ebola?

Chronic flatulence. At lease you’d entertain people as you passed away. And you’d have a priceless moment of everyone you were with looking around slightly uncomfortably, not sure whether they should giggle or call an ambulance.

Of course, you wouldn’t be around to see it. But the sentiment stands.

What is the most horrible noise you can think of?

I have two horrible noises that I dislike. First is that nasty sound polystyrene packaging makes when you pull it out of a box and it goes all “scrapeyscrapeyscrape” and sets your teeth on edge. Second is the sound of people chewing noisily. I know it’s a natural bodily function. But it inexplicably bugs me.

Also, Tinie Tempah is pretty horrendous, too.

Where is the strangest place you have ever slept?

On my birthday during my first year at university, some friends and I went to local “wine bar” Clowns. Calling Clowns a “wine bar” is something of a stretch, as it is actually one of those places with a sticky floor and toilets which regularly leak all over the building. They were offering four-pint jugs of Juicy Lucy for £4 at the time, though, so it seemed like an excellent idea for all of us to drink as many of these as possible.

When we finally got back to our flat, one of my flatmates wore a pair of my (clean) pants on his head for some time. Then another friend who didn’t live in our flat fell asleep on my bed. I fancied a nap too, so the appropriate thing to do appeared to be not to wake up the person in question, but to open up my wardrobe, use my laundry bag as a pillow and fall asleep.

A couple of hours later, the person in question sat bolt upright, walked to the kitchen, ran his head under a tap and then left.

So, to answer the question in a slightly less cumbersome manner… “my wardrobe”.

Want to ask me something else? Do it! I like to think we’ve learned a little something about each other via this process.

Or perhaps you just learned more than you ever wanted to know about me.

#oneaday, Day 264: Cupid Rules OK

OKCupid! is a fascinating site. Even if you’re not looking for a potential partner, soulmate or someone to shout “gief cyb0r plz” at, I’d encourage you to take a look at it for the simple reason that the site itself is pretty unique when it comes to the world of social networking, finding friends and dating.

If you’ve ever dipped a toe into the murky waters of online dating, you’ll know that most sites are 1) filled with people who are apparently far more attractive than you (but in fact are either using a fake photo or a very good photographer) and 2) demand that you give them vast quantities of cash every month for the privilege of being able to actually talk to anyone. Fair enough if they work; certain places like match.com even offer a money-back guarantee if you can’t find yourself someone to talk to on their network. There’s also that interminable string of “OMG! GET LAID WITH GIRLS IN [insert location from your IP address here] TONIGHT!!” that you get on some of the Internet’s less salubrious sites. But the less said about them the better.

No, OKCupid takes a different tack by first of all being free to use. Marvellous. Second of all, rather than relying on people searching via simple criteria (“I am looking for a woman aged 25-35 in the Outer Hebrides”) it does some rather clever profiling of your personality via a bank of approximately five bajillion “match questions”, some of which are “official”, but many of which have been submitted by other users. All of them are multiple choice, and all of them require you to not only put your own answer, but the answer you’d like your ideal partner/friend/fuckbuddy to put, too. And they don’t have to match. Perhaps you’re spoiling for a fight, so you put that you like immigrants, but you’d rather your ideal match were a card-carrying Daily Mail reader with borderline racist tendencies. Or perhaps you want to find someone who will never, ever argue with you about anything, ever. In which case you put that your ideal partner/friend/fuckbuddy should answer the same as you, and that it is MANDATORY (like the sex party) that they do this. And you won’t accept anything less. No sir.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that the site builds what is probably a pretty accurate psychological profile of you and, as such, allows you to find people who you’re likely to “click” with fairly quickly. It’s pretty remarkable in the way it works, and it’s surprising to see how accurate a picture of your personality it can build from these questions. And of course, the more you answer, the more accurate said picture becomes.

Not only that, though, but the site also does stuff like tracks how likely people are to respond to unsolicited messages. So that hottie you have your eye on may only have a 5% response rate, in which case your declarations of a desire for a night of wild and steamy passion will probably fall on deaf ears. Or at least ears that will go “ugh” and block you promptly.

All that for free, while the sites out there that demand your credit card information to even get you to sign up still cling to the old ways. Why not go on over and find out a little something about yourself? You might even make some awesome new friends. “AND MAYBE MORE!!” as the saying has it.

For the curious, these are my Sims-style personality traits based on the 389 questions I’ve answered so far. (It’s super-quick to answer questions using the convenient iPhone app. Also, I get bored at night-time.)

From left to right, said icons indicate that I am less aggressive than average, less ambitious, less compassionate (not sure I’d agree with that one), more attentive, more pessimistic, less spiritual, more loving and more scientific. The magic robots have spoken. That is me. Until I answer some more questions and prove them wrong, of course. Apparently I need to grind my spirituality and compassion stats a bit.

#oneaday, Day 143: Formspring Durch Technik

I’m not sure what it is that appeals to me about question-based-sort-of-social-networking-web-2.0-nonsense Formspring, but I find it hugely addictive. I’m not the only one, either. High-profile online figures such as Leigh Alexander and Jeff Green seem to be having a blast with it, too, as are plenty of others.

The concept is simple. Anyone can ask you a question, either with their username attached or anonymously. Most people choose to ask anonymously. And it’s actually more fun that way, because you then have the sort of metagame of working out who asked you what. And if you get a slightly questionable, err, question, it becomes all the more exciting to answer – was it one of your hairy male friends asking sarcastically, or was it asked by that hot chica you’ve got your eye on?

I think the most fun thing about it is that in coming up with creative answers to the very creative questions people come up with, you get the opportunity to talk about yourself. This is the very worst sort of narcissism that Web 2.0 brings out, of course, but it also gives you the opportunity to share things about your past, your personality, your hopes, your dreams, your tastes… all sorts of things that might not come up in conversation unless you blurted them out randomly like some sort of Fact-Tourette’s sufferer.

A friend commented that the whole thing smacked of the sort of questions you get on dating sites. That’s sometimes true, of course, but the difference here is that it all depends on what people choose to ask you. If people choose to ask you dating site-type questions, that’s what’ll happen. If people choose to ask you a series of increasingly-outrageous “what if?” scenarios, then that’s what you’ll get. Or in my case, you get a mixture of both until it becomes very confusing and you have no idea who asked what any more. Largely because for the most part you didn’t know in the first place.

It’s a service dependent on interaction, of course. If your friends are the sort of people who baulk at typing anything into text boxes, whether or not they have to bother signing up for a service beforehand, then you won’t get much out of Formspring. If, however, you have creative friends who enjoy coming up with ridiculous things for you to answer, then you’ll have a hell of a lot of fun with it. And your friends might even learn something about you that they didn’t know before. You might even learn something about yourself that you didn’t know before. Deep, huh?

If you want to ask me a stupid question, I have a list of the last few ones I’ve been asked somewhere to your right in the sidebar that you can click on to see my responses. Or you can just go here. You don’t have to sign up for the site to take part, but if you do sign up then you get email notifications when someone asks you a question or when someone answers your question, whether or not it was anonymous.