#oneaday, Day 6: Public Service Announcement

I should stop being surprised at this, but I still am.

People on the Internet are dickholes. Well, not all of them. I know a lot of very nice people who live in the Internet. Many of them are writing blogs like this one—hello!—but then there is another breed out there—the breed who thinks it’s appropriate to hurl unwarranted abuse at others. Others that they’ve never met or spoken to, in some cases.

Ever been on Formspring? It’s pretty fun. People can submit questions to you, either anonymously or under their username, and then you can answer them. That is the sole purpose of the site. I’ve had a lot of fun with it, thanks mostly to my very creative friends who are excellent with coming up with bizarre, thought-provoking questions. And somehow the questions are much more fun when you’re not quite sure who they’re from. It becomes a game in itself to work out who submitted the bizarre question about the robots and the cabbage.

Unfortunately, as we’ve seen many times by now, the potential anonymity that the Internet offers causes some people to think that they can say absolutely anything. So it was earlier on when my lovely Twitter-friend @Cilllah was bombarded with violent and pretty offensive nonsense from some nutjob banging on about his “garden” and about how he was going to rape and kill her.

Now, given all the nonsense over the #TwitterJokeTrial a while back, I don’t for a second believe that this moron was actually going to do these things. But how is it in any way appropriate to say things like that to someone who’s just going about their business on the Internet? Hiding behind the veil of anonymity to throw out abuse to strangers? That’s kind of pathetic.

This sort of thing shouldn’t annoy me so much—it’s been going on for years after all. It doesn’t make it right, though. I’ve been using the Internet and related technologies since the early days—a 300 baud modem on an Atari 8-bit, then on the Atari ST, then CompuServe under Windows 3.1, up through various incarnations of the “proper” Web to the stage we’re at today. And at no point have I ever felt the need to pick on some poor person and be an asshole to them.

Perhaps I’m just too nice of a person to understand why people do the things they do. But I can live with that; I’d much rather be a person that the vast majority of people like and respect (and perhaps a few assholes think is a bit of a pussy) than someone who gets their kicks from threatening rape and violence on strangers.

The joke’s on them, of course. The mental image that springs to mind as soon as anyone starts trolling like that is one of a Jabba-esque freak in his (you know it’s a he) piss-and-cum-stained pants, probably with their semi-erect penis clasped firmly in their left hand (right hand is for mousing) and a folder called “HOTTYZ” on his desktop containing profile pictures of all the women he’s harassed.

And if you’re not that person? You can feel pretty good about yourself.

#oneaday, Day 337: Internet Games #2: TinyURLette

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when browsing the web, visiting the same few sites over and over and over again in a vain attempt to find something new to waste your ultimately meaningless existence with. Facebook is usually the timesink of choice for many people, closely followed by Twitter, TVTropes, Wikipedia and a few others.

As such, it’s easy to forget that there’s a wider web out there, filled with sites that you may not have ever come across during your daily browsing routine. Some sites you would never have wanted to discover, ever. And some are real gems that you’ll be happy you came across.

So what better way to explore the web than to make it into a little game? There used to be a website devoted to this very philosophy. Called ShuffleTime, it allowed players to jump around the web seemingly at random, answering trivia questions about the pages they were seeing. Correctly answering the questions allowed the players to collect cards and coins and purchase rewards and entries into prize draws. Sadly, it didn’t last very long, but I thought it was a great idea.

So here’s a variation on it. I can’t promise any kind of reward (short of discovering something horrendous/wonderful) but it’s a good time waster. Probably not safe for work, but if you’re reading this at work then you’re probably not concerned about that, either. Here is a picture of Rise from Persona 4 in a bikini to make you feel uncomfortable about reading this at work.

Well, it serves you right. Get on with what you’re supposed to be doing and I won’t have to embarrass you again.

Alternatively, you could embarrass yourself further by playing TinyURLette, a game of discovery. The rules are very similar to The TwitPic Game which I informed you all of a few days ago (and no-one participated, boo) except this time we’re dealing with websites.

So here’s what to do. Visit your link-shortening service of choice and simply add whatever you like after the URL. I will attempt this with both TinyURL and bit.ly links to demonstrate.

So first up, we have http://bit.ly/blargh, which takes us to a page of YouTube comments for this video. It is a Scottish guy who has obviously been studying phonetics recently. He also says hello to a lot of people. And goes off on a rant against one of the members of his channel. He also does that irritating “quick-editing” thing that people are doing all the time on YouTube. “Hello! I am [edit] a person [edit] who is [edit] talking [edit] to you about [edit] rubbish.” Enough of him.

http://tinyurl.com/ihateyou, conversely, is appropriately named and takes you to a picture you really don’t want to see. Especially if you’re at work. You have been warned. It’s not porn or gore.

http://bit.ly/arse takes us to BioEthics Bytes, a blog about multimedia resources for teaching bioethics. An unfortunate URL for a page that looks quite interesting.

http://tinyurl.com/what takes us to an article from the San Francisco Chronicle about the death of Margaret Singer, an expert on brainwashing and cult activity. The obituary is an interesting read, actually, with some quotes from Singer herself.

By extension, http://tinyurl.com/whatisthisidonteven takes you to a page clearly intended to RickRoll you. Unfortunately for them, the video they have been using for RickRolling purposes is a broken link, meaning that this page is, in fact, a failed RickRoll. A RickStumbleAndFallOnYourAss, if you will.

http://bit.ly/yourface features a news headline from Twitter very literally about your face.

http://tinyurl.com/stopit gives us a blog post in Russian about Lifespring, the now-defunct “human potential training” company. Or, as Google Translate puts it, “Layfspringe”, which is a much better name.

Finally, http://bit.ly/borednow takes us to a page from McCarthy Psychology Services from Australia about care provision for the elderly.

I’m a little disappointed. Out of 8 different pages, only one of them is the slightest bit inappropriate. You are not doing your job properly, Internet.

Found any entertaining TinyURL or bit.ly shortlinks through playing this stupid game? Let me know in the comments.

#oneaday, Day 333: Internet Games #1: The TwitPic Game

You’re sitting in front of your computer right now. You’re either working, or bored, or wondering what on Earth you should do with yourself. You probably wouldn’t be reading this otherwise.

So today, I present to you a simple and fun game which you can play whenever you’ve read the whole Internet and are at a loss for what to do next. It’s a simple game, and there’s no real “winning” as such. But it can be played solo, or as a social game with the aid of additional participants on Facebook, Twitter or the social network of your choice. You can even play local multiplayer with people in the same room, either hotseating on one computer, or with a collection of different computers.

The game is very straightforward to play. The image-sharing website “TwitPic” is used to share images on Twitter. The URL format for TwitPic is http://twitpic.com/stringoflettersandnumbersgoeshere. You can probably guess the rest, but for those of you who haven’t cottoned on yet, simply replace “stringoflettersandnumbersgoeshere” with a code of your choice (keep it no more than 5 letters or numbers in most cases) and then see what out-of-context images you can discover.

Here’s some samples from a quick go today:

http://twitpic.com/spack comes up with this delightful image of someone’s dinner. The plastic tray and plastic cutlery seem somewhat at odds with the battered shrimp, corn and unidentifiable green shit in the corner.

http://twitpic.com/felch comes up with this image, with the caption “THIS. My cousin is me all over”, worryingly, though as the astute commenter beneath the picture observes, there is no actual felching in the picture.

http://twitpic.com/crunk displays this disappointingly dull image of someone on their way to Charlotte for training. Unless Charlotte is a person, in which case the implied “training” which will be going on can take on an altogether more interesting meaning.

http://twitpic.com/arse gives us more food. People really love to show each other what they’re eating on Twitter, it seems. It appears that one of the stereotypes about Twitter users is true.

http://twitpic.com/butts gives us a sleeping man. Why is he asleep? No-one knows. But the cameraperson is certainly very close to this sleeping man. Sleeping man also appears to not be wearing a shirt and have slightly flabby shoulders.

And finally, http://twitpic.com/dirty gives us a collection of jazz music, thereby confirming something we’ve all known for a very long time: the fact that jazz music is dirty. The internet has proved it.

This game also works with a variety of other sites, including imgur, yfrog and numerous others. For the truly brave, you could also try it with URL shorteners such as bit.ly and tinyurl. There’s no telling where you might end up with those, and so that, dear friends, is a game we shall save for another day.

Found any awesome TwitPic URLs yourself? Do let me know. That’s what them thar comments are for.

#oneaday, Day 307: Wait. Terry Wait. Overwait. Call The Wait-er.

How much time do you think you waste every year waiting for things to happen? Whether it’s waiting for the phone to ring, the response to an email, the answer to a question, an alarm to go off, someone to call you into their office or for your delicious improvised curry sauce to thicken, chances are you spend a good proportion of your time waiting for things to happen or for other people to do things.

Just think how much more we could all get done without all this waiting. Consider how long it takes someone from any Government agency to write back to you, drawing out what is usually an unpleasant process (why else would you be writing to an arm of the Government, were it not to complain about something?) even longer than necessary. Perhaps your question was a simple one that can be answered with one word—the words “yes” and “no” were invented for exactly this situation—but no. More often than not you’ll receive a letter back informing you that they’re “unable to action your correspondence” or, in English, “not able to reply to your letter” and demanding further details that you’ve already given them at least fifteen times.

This sort of thing is annoying and, in this age of instant communication, bordering on inexcusable. Who writes letters any more, anyway, for starters? Wake up and smell the electronics.

The trouble with taking this attitude, though, is that it starts to filter into other parts of your life. You find yourself wondering why the text message you sent thirty seconds ago hasn’t been replied to yet, without thinking that the recipient may just have better things to do than respond to a message that simply says “COCK! PISS! PARTRIDGE!” because they might, in fact, have a job to do. You forget the context of a reply on Twitter because someone replied to something you posted four hours ago. And in the meantime, you sit staring at your computer screen, iPhone or, in the worst possible scenarios, your wall or ceiling. Because you might get that response you need in the next thirty seconds/minute/half an hour/hour/day and you couldn’t possibly do anything useful in the meantime. But of course you can’t send another message following it up because that’s pushy and rude and you don’t want to look like an asshole.

Well, bollocks to it. We need an inversion of this situation, where “important” things get resolved quickly rather than are “endeavoured to be responded to within 72 hours”, and where it’s okay for your friends, family and/or that hottie you texted to be quiet for a few seconds/minutes/hours/days at a time. Because let’s face it, staring at a wall is marginally less productive than staring at a toaster waiting for it to pop.

Because at least if you stare at a toaster, you end up with some delicious toast. What’s your wall ever going to give you?

#oneaday, Day 301: I’ve Read It

I’ve been on Reddit before. I didn’t find it terribly intuitive, and the sheer volume of information on it was daunting and offputting. Sure, I helped support friends’ submissions when I could, but delving into the whole thing proper just seemed like a frankly terrifying prospect.

However, yesterday, I felt differently. Spurred on by this article, which several people had posted to Twitter seemingly independently of one another, I decided to give the community another look. I decided to just dive in and start looking at things, rather than getting analysis paralysis whilst looking at the front page.

And that, seemingly, is the way to do it. There is so much content on Reddit that it is impossible (and probably undesirable) to read it all. So you pick and choose the things that you’re interested in.

Now, I know that there are several people amongst those who follow me who are still utterly bewildered as to what Reddit is and what its appeal is. So, with apologies to those of you who are already well familiar with what Reddit is and how it works, here is, erm, what Reddit appears to be and how it appears to work, after a mighty one day’s experience of use.

Perhaps the easiest way of thinking about it is that it’s the world’s biggest forum. Users can post things, which are either links to other sites or “self posts”, which are simple messages. Attached to each post are two things: upvote and downvote buttons, and a comment facility. Upvoting or downvoting something promotes or demotes the content, making it more likely to rise to the top of the page (or not, as the case may be). And then the comments underneath are threaded, just like on most blogs these days.

It’s in these comment sections that the excellence of Reddit shows itself, though. A far cry from your average YouTube commenter (“u suck!!!!! lol!”), Reddit contributors and commenters appear to be, for the most part, mature, articulate, literate individuals with fantastic senses of humour and some of the quickest punning minds I’ve ever come across. It’s a community that, after lurking for a few days, I certainly wanted to be a part of. Discussion is (from what I’ve seen so far, at least) mature, thought-provoking but not afraid to lapse into a bit of silliness from time to time.

And diverse. Good God, Reddit is diverse. If you have a particular niche interest, you can pretty much guarantee there will be a “subreddit” for it. Whether you’re into gaming, gardening, FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU- comics, porn, music, Uzbekistani sledgehammer dancing… chances are you will find someone there with the same freaky tastes as you. And for those embarrassing questions that you really want to ask people, the creation of “throwaway” sock puppet accounts is actively encouraged to help everyone feel comfortable enough to say what they feel. Many Redditors use their main accounts, though, as the atmosphere of help and support in the appropriate subreddits is, at times, a shining example of what the Internet can be.

A poster I read earlier described Reddit as 4chan 3 days late with a filter for all the disgusting, gross and/or illegal crap. Which isn’t exactly high praise, but I can see their point. 4chan, love it or hate it, originates (or at least popularises) many of the words, phrases and memes we take for granted on the Internet today. But then those who are too scared to delve into the murky waters of 4chan (like me… I’m not ashamed) can come across this stuff without unwittingly stumbling into gore porn via Reddit. Everyone’s a winner.

Oh, just one tip, though… if you’re not interested in seeing a wide selection of user peens (interspersed with a few boobies) then just steer clear of /r/gonewild.

#oneaday, Day 254: Be The First Of Your Friends To Like This

I remember back in primary school we were encouraged to never use the words “nice” or “said” because they were boring. There are always better words to use, we were told, so we should be creative and extend our vocabularies.

Fast forward to today and we have much the same issue with the word “like”, a word which is rapidly losing all meaning thanks to its total domination over the social networking space. Every day on Facebook, it’s a fair bet that there is at least one entry in everyone’s news feed that says “Amber likes OMG!! Where did you get you’re shoes LOL! on ♥.” or “Bob likes I hate it when your trying 2 go 2 sleep and u cant on Likebook.” Not only do these sentences make no sense, they’re a symbol of a peculiar shift in communication styles that has taken place in recent years, particularly amongst teens and tweens.

Essentially, rather than just typing “I hate it when you’re trying to go to sleep and you can’t” and sharing that particular inanity with the world (not to mention spelling it correctly), it seems that it’s now much more the done thing to go and find a website which lists hundreds of said inanities for the sole purpose of allowing people to Like them on Facebook. There’s a kind of “distancing” involved. Anyone can click “Like” on something. As soon as you write it yourself, it becomes more personal, and harder to do.

Trouble is, the word “Like” is being used so much that it stops making sense sometimes. Or its context is completely inappropriate. Take the latest “check-in” craze, GetGlue, which is actually a pretty neat idea. Users tag the things that they, yes, like as well as the things that they dislike and can then get suggestions of other things they might like based on other users’ tastes. Fair enough. However, when a site offers you the opportunity to not only “Like” ebola but also check into it, you have to question if the correct terminology is really being used in this instance.

And where’s the opportunity to dislike things? GetGlue is unusual in that it does specifically allow people to say “I don’t like this”. There’s no opportunity to do that on Facebook. If a friend posts a status update that informs everyone that, say, their leg has fallen off and their family are dead and not only that, someone posted a bag of poo through their letterbox then the only things to do are to “Like” it, which seems rather tactless and inappropriate, or to actually leave a comment which will probably start with “I wish there was a Dislike button” and end with too many exclamation marks.

Perhaps Facebook is attempting to make us all more positive. Instead of writing “I’m so sad. My family are dead, my leg has fallen off and someone posted a bag of poo through my letterbox” which, let’s face it, no-one is going to click “Like” on, perhaps you should put a positive spin on it. “My family are dead, my leg has fallen off and someone posted a bag of poo through my letterbox. But at least I found 76p in small change in my jacket pocket, Snickers later ftw!!!”

aplenty from there on, I feel.

#oneaday, Day 222: I’m Right, You’re Wrong

Having an argument is a great way to ruin an otherwise perfectly lovely day. The argument could be over anything. It could be over whether or not you think the latest changes that Facebook have made to their site are good or not. It could be whether or not you think raspberry ripple is the best flavour of ice-cream. It could be over whether or not you think the Pope is a massive douchebag. And, if it’s on the Internet, it’s probably over something utterly irrelevant and useless.

So here’s a few steps on how to do it better.

Step 1: State your hypothesis

“PS3 sucks!”

Step 2: Offer convincing evidence for your hypothesis

“Because Xbox 360 rulez!”

Step 3: Offer a source for your evidence

“My mate Joe said so, too.”

Step 4: Await response

“PS3 doesn’t suck!”

Step 5: Respond to response

“Yes it does!” (Return to Step 4 until both sides have been made abundantly clear. This should take approximately 30 minutes, or five pages of forum posts.)

Step 6: Make up a statistic and quote it

“80% of people who tried both consoles said that PS3 sucks!”

Step 7: Await response

“Well I think Xbox 360 sucks!”

Step 8: Quote Nietzsche

“Admiration for a quality, art or rival games console can be so strong that it deters us from striving to possess it.”

Step 9: Await response

“You’re a douche, do you know that?”

Step 10: Respond to response

“Your face is a douche.”

Step 11: Await response to response

“Your mom is a douche.”

Step 12: Respond with nonsensical, illogical response

“That’s not what she said last night.”

Step 13: Await confusion

“What?”

Step 14: Take advantage of confusion

“So it’s settled then!”

Step 15: Gloat

“I win. Douche.”

And so it goes. One of the strange things about this always-connected, everyone-has-a-voice society is that everyone feels the need to have a contentious opinion on something. This happens (albeit not always to the degree described above) on all manner of topics, from the most irrelevant of fanboy conflicts to far-reaching opinions on matters such as racism. And no-one will ever back down, because there’s always another website that “proves” their point, always another statistic from some made-up society somewhere.

It baffles me sometimes, because all this time that gets wasted arguing could be far better used enjoying both things that are being argued over. Of course, part of the issue in some cases revolves around people defending the camp they placed their flag in first. In many cases, people can’t afford to buy both, say, a PS3 and a 360. So they stake their claim to one or the other and then justify their choice to anyone who will listen, and a bunch of people who won’t also. That way, by branding the thing they haven’t got “crap”, they feel better about not owning it, even if they’re secretly bitter that they can’t make use of its exclusive features, software or delicious strawberry flavour.

Of course, some people are just asses and feel the need to disagree with everyone and everything. And those people are called assholes.

(If you’re wondering about the inexplicable German in the cartoon above, you can blame both me and RothDog. Drawing nonsensical cartoons involving German stickmen arguing was always an excellent way to pass the time in tedious German lessons back at school. This strip is a recreation of the first ever one we drew.)

#oneaday, Day 217: “Book? LOL!”

I forget the exact circumstances of when I came across the quote in this post’s title. It may have been on some form of social networking website, or dating site, or something like that. But it was a good few years back now.

The context of the quote was in one of those sections you get on pretty much all online profiles that asks you to list your favourite music, films, TV shows and books. This person’s favourite books were listed as “book? lol”.

That struck me as rather sad, but perhaps a little unsurprising given the general attention span of most people these days. Why sit down with a book which delays gratification and requires active use of the brain when you can be immediately bombarded with information via TV and the Internet?

It’s an age-old argument of course, and one which has probably been running ever since every new information-giving technology came along. However, it seems particularly ironic in the context of the Internet, given that much of it is, in fact, text. Sure, there are pretty pictures and buttons that fart when you click on them and pornography, but it’s still fundamentally built on text. You’re reading text right now. Is your head hurting yet?

The fact that everyone has a voice on the Internet is one of those things that is debatable as to whether it is a Good Thing or not. But as part of having that voice, everyone has the opportunity to give their thoughts and expand on them as much as they want to. The sad thing is, though, in many cases, people don’t feel like they have the time to read (or write) a full, well-considered argument. Instead, they denounce it as a “wall of text” and choose not to read it.

It happens in video games, too. A friend of mine once said that he couldn’t get through Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney because there was “too much reading”. It’s a game about a lawyer. I’m not sure what else he was expecting.

As a writer, as someone who crafts language and bends it to my will in the name of pretentiousness, self-expression, catharsis and humour, this is sad. The English language is a powerful tool that can say many things. As, indeed, are other languages. But it seems that for many these days, the priority is for quick, snappy, “efficient” communication. And sure, there are situations in which this is entirely appropriate. But I say that shouldn’t be the norm. People shouldn’t be afraid to speak their mind in as much length as they wish.

My mind is particularly drawn to the early days of the Squadron of Shame. Long before we started producing our podcast, we ran lengthy discussion threads on a variety of games on 1up.com’s Radio forum. We’d started as a result of one of the 1up Radio features, so that was our spiritual home. Many of the people who populated that forum were articulate sorts who agreed with my thoughts above, so there were plenty of like-minded individuals there who enjoyed taking part in our discussions and posting their own “walls of text”.

But one day, the Powers That Be at 1up decided that it would be a great idea to merge all the forums into “Games” and “Not Games”. This meant that lengthy, in-depth discussion threads from groups such as the Squadron were crammed into the same space as “OMG HALO IS BETTR THAN KILZONE”. Naturally, this led to problems. In one of the last discussions we had on those boards—on the subject of the peculiar PS2 game Psi-Ops—the posting was almost immediately derailed by a particularly notorious troll who posted “OMG FUCKING MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT” in giant red letters. Said “wall of text” was maybe six or seven paragraphs long and was interesting to read, but as soon as troll boy showed his face, the discussion went off track, not helped by many people (including myself) rising to his bait.

It’s a pity that to some people the desire to speak in detail, at length and to produce a coherent argument is seen as a negative thing. Personally I would have thought that a forum—by its very nature an asynchronous method of communication in which people can take their time to consider their responses—was the ideal environment in which to have these lengthy discussions. But apparently not.

This is perhaps an unnecessarily negative picture, of course. There are still people who read books. There are still people who like to post more than five words at a time. There are still people who don’t decide to ignore all the rules of spelling, punctuation and grammar “just because it’s the Internet”—who came up with that stupid idea, anyway? It’s just a pity that, at times, they seem to be declining in number.

Oh well. If you read through all that, you can count yourself amongst the élite!

#oneaday, Day 199: Waving Goodbye

So, Google Wave is going bye-bye, huh? Can’t say I’m particularly surprised. As cool an idea as it was, there just wasn’t the buy-in from people that it deserved. Largely because a goodly proportion of the Internet population didn’t seem to understand what it was actually for.

It’s easy to assume people who didn’t “get” Wave are just a bit slow. But the fact is, Google never did a great job of explaining what the technology was for in the first place.

“Yay, collaborative editing!” they’d say.

“Yay, we can do that with Google Docs!” everyone else would say.

“Yay, you can see people typing!” they’d say.

“Yay, who gives a shit?” everyone else would say.

“Yay, it’s like a combination of email, Twitter and a word processing document!” they’d say.

“Yay, I’ve never wanted to combine those three things together!” everyone else would say.

It’s a pity, as I’ve seen some genuinely interesting uses of Wave out there. One particularly cool Wave I was invited to took the form of a moderated “text adventure”, where participants could direct the protagonist (played by the moderator in the role of an interactive fiction-style narrator) by inserting commands. Eventually, the non-linear nature of Wave allowed two parallel storylines to develop at once—one happening in the present, another as a flashback. Wave’s ability for anyone to edit and insert new content at any point in the “conversation” meant that these two things could continue going on without becoming overly confusing.

Then there were all the possibilities for things like education. But then you have to deal with your average teacher’s technophobia.

When I was working in schools, I had a grand idea that Wave could be used for the preparation of interactive resources. The fact that media such as YouTube videos, flash thingies, pictures, text, hyperlinks and even iFrames could be inserted meant that Wave could have been an ideal tool to use on interactive whiteboards during lessons, and also a good means of collaborative planning if teachers in question weren’t able to meet and discuss things. As they frequently aren’t.

As a result of many of these things, I had a Wave account which largely went unused because no-one else was using it. This is a shame, as I could see the potential in the service. But the fact the service was invite-only for so long, and then by the time it went public people were still scratching their heads and wondering what to do with it—these things meant that it didn’t have a particularly “mass market” appeal for the average Internet user.

All is not lost for the moment, anyway. Wave is going to remain open—Google have just said they’re stopping development on it. They’ve also open-sourced a goodly proportion of the code, so enterprising clever people with mathematics in their brains will be able to pull it apart and make it better, faster, stronger, I’m sure.

So it was a swing and a miss for Google on this one. To be honest, though, I think it’s good to see them experimenting with different technologies as a company. It would be very easy for Google to just think “Right. We do these things. And we do them well. Let’s just stop there and make bundles of money and stick them in our ears.” But no; they seem to be on a constant quest to make the lives of the Internet’s denizens better. Sometimes these things work. And sometimes they don’t.

So raise a glass to Google Wave, the web app that couldn’t. And start speculating on what they might be up to next!

#oneaday, Day 186: How To Laugh On The Internet

The acronym “LOL”, originally short for “laughing out loud” has lost all meaning. This is entirely thanks to Internet denizens who believe it is an adequate substitute for any punctuation mark ever. It’s true. Try it sometime. Don’t forget to strip out all capital letters.

“Would you like to go to the shops?” becomes “would u like to go 2 the shops lol”

“I went to the shops to buy some butter, but they had run out.” becomes “I went 2 the shops 2 buy sum butter lol but they had run out lol”

“Now is the winter of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this sun of York; / all the clouds that lour’d upon our house / In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.” becomes “now is da winta of our discontent lol made golrius summer by dis sun of york lol all da clouds that lourd upon our house lol in da deep bosom of da ocean buried lol”

Ouch, that actually hurt.

Anyway, the fact is, “LOL” is meaningless. Coming up quickly behind it in the meaningless stakes are other acronyms such as “LMAO” and “PMSL”. So I feel, Internet, it is time to educate you in the ways of laughter which uses more characters but is infinitely more expressive. You’ll find there’s a laugh for every occasion.

“Hehe”

Mild amusement. This can be used for something that was only intended to be a little bit funny, or perhaps something that you didn’t find that funny yourself but don’t want to offend the other person by not laughing at it. It’s also less girly than some other alternatives. An optional trailing full stop may be added.

CORRECT USAGE: “I thought I’d forgotten my keys earlier. But they were in my pocket the whole time!” — “Hehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “YARR HARR FIDDLEDEDEE, BEING A PIRATE IS ALL RIGHT TO BE! DO WHAT YOU WANT CAUSE A PIRATE IS FREE, YOU ARE A PIRATE!” — “Hehe”

“Heehee”

Flirtatious laughter. Perhaps someone has said something a little bit contentious or naughty and you want to giggle with them. “Heehee” is the perfect laugh for this purpose.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, we went back to her house and then, well, I’m sure you can imagine what happened…” — “Heehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Lindsay Lohan is like a child with ADD! Neither of them can finish a sentence!” — “Heehee”

“Teehee”

The naughty laugh. An upgrade from “heehee”, often used when slagging someone off behind their back, making illicit plans or making thinly-veiled references to something filthy the two of you—or indeed someone you mutually know—got up to recently.

CORRECT USAGE: “Well, last night certainly didn’t suck… but someone sure did.” — “Teehee”

INCORRECT USAGE: “The Master is rising! And soon the world will be ours!” — “Teehee”

“Haha(hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)”

The all-purpose “that’s funny” laugh. The minimum number of “ha”s is two, otherwise it’s a “Ha!” which is not a laugh at all, more a triumphant call of… something. The more “ha”s which are added to the end of the “haha”, the funnier the thing is. “Haha” is mildly funny. “Hahahahahahahahahaha” is extremely funny. Optional additions may include all-caps or exclamation marks. These are both intensifiers.

CORRECT USAGE (mildly funny thing): “Knock knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Doctor.” — “Doctor who?” — “You just said it!” — “Haha”

CORRECT USAGE (exceedingly funny thing): “[insert most things that @DRUNKHULK says on Twitter]” — “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Sir. The rebels have been crushed!” — “Haha”

“Mehehe(hehehehehe)”

The “mildly evil” laugh. Are you about to do something that’s wrong, and you just don’t care? Are you talking smack about someone? Have you made plans to do something which may cause mild embarrassment, discomfort or itching to a third party? Have you just witnessed something unfortunate occurring to someone you don’t like much? Then this is the laugh for you. The number of “hehe”s on the end may again be varied. All-caps and exclamation marks are not usually added to an instance of a “mehehehehe”.

CORRECT USAGE: “I’m going to invite them over, but then I won’t answer the door!” — “Mehehehehe”

INCORRECT USAGE: “A man walks into a bar and says ‘ouch!'” — “Mehehehehe”

“Mwahaha(hahahahaha)”

The “moderately evil” laugh. Are you about to do something very wrong? Or perhaps you’re joking about doing something wrong that you’d never actually do but think would be quite entertaining, if evil, if you did? Have you successfully got one up on someone you moderately-to-extremely dislike? Then this is the laugh for you, complete with variable-length “hahahaha” on the end. All-caps and exclamation marks may be adopted for this laugh if appropriate, depending on the evility of the situation. However, in extremely evil situations, consider upgrading to “Muhahahahahaha!”

CORRECT USAGE: “And then I told her ‘by the way, your skirt is TOTALLY tucked into your panties’. She looked mortified!” — “Mwahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Aww, look at that cute little kitten!” — “Mwahahaha!”

Not to be confused with “Mwah”, which is blowing a kiss.

“Muhahahahahahaha!”

The “very evil” laugh. You are an evil overlord, emperor or other figure who strikes fear into the hearts of your enemies. You are either about to do something terribly evil, have just done something terribly evil or take delight revelling in your evil-ness. Whatever the reason, this laugh is part of your arsenal of verbal weapons with which you may strike fear into the aforementioned hearts of your aforementioned enemies, along with sentences such as “I am afraid it is YOU who are mistaken” and “No, Mr Protagonist, I expect you to die”. All-caps and exclamation marks are frequently applied for intensification purposes.

CORRECT USAGE: “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Oh look, your baby cousin is smiling for the first time!” — “MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

DISCLAIMER: I am not aware of any legitimate historical evidence which quotes Hitler as saying “MUHAHAHAHAHA!” But I bet he did.

“Bahahahahaha!”

The belly laugh. This is a hearty chuckle at something you find genuinely amusing. The kind of laugh that Father Christmas or a Viking would use whilst sitting in front of a roaring log fire. Works well with a smoker’s cough.

CORRECT USAGE: “I want a bicycle like in E.T. so I can follow you through the skies, Santa!” — “Bahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “That duck just fell over.” — “Bahahahahaha!”

“Gahahahahahahaha!”

The Brian Blessed laugh. I don’t think anything else needs to be said about this one. Usually combined with all-caps and exclamation marks.

CORRECT USAGE: “CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR! GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “I posted a rude message on that forum.” — “GAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Kyahahahahaha!”

The witch’s laugh. An evil cackle if ever there was one. Doesn’t really work when men do it. Even evil wizards don’t tend to go “kyahahahahaha”.

CORRECT USAGE: “And now, my pretties, into the pot you go! Kyahahahahaha!”

INCORRECT USAGE: “Do you remember that time my pants fell down?” — “Kyahahahahaha!”

So as you can see, there is a laugh for pretty much any situation. I trust this will be the last time I ever see you using acronyms to represent laughter and/or punctuation.

Please feel free to share any additional variants you may be aware of in the comments.