#oneaday Day 53: Our AI-powered dystopian garbage future

I was unfortunately exposed to this video today:

For those who quite understandably can’t bring themselves to watch it based on the thumbnail and source alone, it’s a video about how a dad is super-proud of his daughter and her athletics ability, but how he also knows that his daughter idolises an Olympic athlete. All seemingly wholesome and nice on the surface, until the main point of the ad: the Dad gets Google Gemini (which is Google’s ChatGPT-esque chatbot interface) to write the athlete in question a “fan letter” that is supposedly from his daughter.

It’s difficult to know exactly where to start with how fucked up this is. But I think as good a place as any is to point out that written communication between people has always been a means of direct, personal contact — particularly if it’s via what is seen as a medium that takes a bit more effort, such as a handwritten letter. Of course, chances are that if the “fan letter” ever made it to the athlete in question, any response would probably be a carefully vetted template from a PR representative rather than the athlete herself, which sticks something of a pin in the “direct, personal contact” thing, but that’s no reason that regular people who aren’t PR consultants should auto-generate things that are supposed to be personal.

If someone inspires you, you presumably respect them. And if you respect them, you should demonstrate that respect by making an appropriate effort when attempting to contact them. And getting an AI to write a fan letter for you is the height of disrespect. It tells the recipient that you don’t even respect them enough to communicate with them in your own words. It tells them that you would rather get a machine to handle your communication than “waste time” writing things yourself.

“But what about people who aren’t able to write?” you may ask. To that I would point out that in order to get Google Gemini to write something, you still have to write a fucking prompt for it, and if you’re capable of doing that you’re capable of writing a letter. They teach how to do that in primary school. At least they used to.

There are myriad other ways to get your point across without getting garbage generative AI involved, even if you’re incapable of holding a pen or typing on a keyboard. There’s voice recognition, allowing you to still communicate in your own words without typing. Or you can get someone to help you — remember other people? Remember how to speak to them? Or do you need ChatGPT for that too? I’m a socially anxious autistic recluse and I can still talk to a person if I absolutely have to, and on more than one occasion I have sent some form of personal message to someone who genuinely inspires me, all in my own words.

We absolutely should not normalise the use of AI to craft even form responses to emails. I used to get mildly offended when a pal of mine used the “auto-respond” text message facility on his phone, which would send a rather blunt “Answer is YES” or “Answer is NO” SMS on his behalf if he couldn’t be bothered to type a full message, but at least in that instance I know he had at least read my message and considered whether to respond in the affirmative or negative.

AI zealots seem to think that garbage like this is going to revolutionise communication between human beings, making it “more efficient” or some such bullshit. But all it’s going to do is remove any semblance of personality from an individual’s method of communication with you — something which is already somewhat at risk as a result of the homogenisation of culture brought about by the Internet. Look at how many people fall back on the same memes and turn of phrase these days rather than communicating in their own individual fashion, using their background and location as a means of making their communication unique. Now imagine even that layer of personalisation being taken away, with everyone “communicating” with one another using that smug, pretentious tone all AI chatbots appear to have developed.

“You’re just resistant to change!” Yes, I am, if that “change” is demonstrably harmful to the way we interact with one another and our culture in general. Anyone who uses AI to communicate with someone rather than drafting an email, chat message or social media post themselves is an inconsiderate, disrespectful asshole, and I will absolutely not shift my opinion on this. I will, however, point and laugh.

So fuck off with your “Gemini” garbage, Google. And Mr Man’s little girl? Tell your father to go fuck himself, punch him in the balls hard enough that he doesn’t have any more children, and go write something yourself, with a pen. I can guarantee that your idol Sydney will find that far more meaningful and emotionally worthwhile than what is effectively a form letter that you didn’t even write the prompt for.

Want to read my thoughts on various video games, visual novels and other popular culture things? Stop by MoeGamer.net, my site for all things fun where I am generally a lot more cheerful. And if you fancy watching some vids on classic games, drop by my YouTube channel.

#oneaday Day 52: To Be Forgotten is Worse Than Death

I finished Final Fantasy XIV: Dawntrail this evening. Or its main scenario, anyway; I haven’t gone into any endgame stuff such as the Arcadion raid series or level-cap dungeons as yet, but it’s late and that’s stuff best saved for another day.

I’m going to write something big about Final Fantasy XIV on MoeGamer at some point in the next few days, incorporating my thoughts about Dawntrail and the game as a whole as it exists in 2024, but for now I thought I’d share some immediate impressions.

On the whole, I liked Dawntrail. I particularly enjoyed how it felt like a proper “sequel” to the Final Fantasy XIV story that was told between A Realm Reborn and Endwalker rather than just a continuation of the story. This was always the stated intention, but it would have been easy for them to try and weave in stuff that had come before like the Ascians. They actually do weave in some of that past stuff in the latter hours of the story, but in a way that you would in a sequel, rather than a straight “next episode”.

Dawntrail’s main scenario felt quite long, which is probably a mixed blessing for some people. I went back and forth a bit on it as I played — there were days when I didn’t fancy playing it, so I turned to something else then came back fresh a few days later — but on the whole, I think its overall length and structure works effectively. Since it’s a “sequel”, it’s fitting that it is quite considerable in length — and even has a structure quite akin to PS1-era Final Fantasy games, with a notable tonal shift halfway through that absolutely would have been a “Please Insert Disc 2” moment in the Good Old Days.

One thing I think I’ve touched on in previous entries is how I feel Dawntrail’s narrative is curiously timely, given the overall state of our own world. And this feeling didn’t go away as I progressed into the latter hours of the story — but for different reasons. Without getting into spoilers, the first half of Dawntrail is about achieving mutual understanding and cooperation with people from disparate backgrounds and belief systems, while the latter half concerns what happens when it’s not quite possible to achieve that mutual understanding, based on the enormous gulf in culture (and technology) between the two parties.

It also touches on matters such as the energy and environmental crises we’re facing down — particularly if the techbros in Silicon Valley insist on jamming AI everywhere it isn’t wanted — as well as matters of life after death in an age of technological innovation. It’s no coincidence that the latter half of the game is heavily inspired by Final Fantasy IX, one of whose characters’ iconic taglines was “to be forgotten is worse than death”. I’m actually kind of surprised no-one actually said that line at any point in Dawntrail, because heaven knows several characters had multiple prime opportunities to do so. Perhaps they thought it might have been just a touch too on-the-nose.

I’m actually a little annoyed that the patch notes and promotional material for Dawntrail spoiled a significant feature of the game’s overall setting and tone, because I feel that reveal would have been far more effective had it simply come up without anyone knowing about it beforehand. (I won’t mention anything further about it for the sake of those who have deliberately avoided all promotional material for precisely this reason.) And there wasn’t really even a good reason for them to spoil it, either, aside from, presumably, the expectation from the fanbase that everything is laid out for them well before release. And I guess if Square Enix didn’t spoil it, the dataminers would have done so anyway.

Anyway, on the whole, Dawntrail was A Good. I enjoyed that it was possible to play the entire main scenario, including 4-player dungeons and 8-player trials, with NPC sidekicks rather than having to rely on other players, though it’s a bit of a shame that the final boss is a multiplayer-only affair. This resulted in me spending a good 50% of said boss fight lying on the floor while the two surviving tanks finished it off because the healers were also both dead. Not quite the climactic conclusion I had hoped for, but at least I got a good look at the mechanics without having to actually do them.

So yeah. Good job, Yoshi-P and company. You did another great thing.

#oneaday Day 51: The Art of the Thumbnail

I’m in a Discord with some other (relatively) low-subscriber retro gaming and tech YouTubers, and we’ve had some interesting discussions over there. One subject that comes up frequently that I think I’ve derived the most value from is that of video thumbnails.

To put this in context, prior to joining this Discord, and for quite some time, my YouTube channel looked something like this:

I don’t dislike this look. I was rather fond of how each “series” I was doing had its own distinct appearance, and I feel each thumbnail got nicely to the point: telling viewers that it was a video about a particular game on a particular platform.

But that’s not really how YouTube works. However nice it looks to have a lineup of games with lovely consistent thumbnails Criterion Collection-style, it doesn’t necessarily bring the views in. And so, with the advice and encouragement of the folks in the aforementioned Discord, I do things a little bit differently now.

This is how my channel looks today:

I’m pleased with this. Because I feel like these thumbnails do a much better job of intriguing and attracting the viewer’s attention without assuming knowledge — i.e. “what is ‘Atari A to Z’?” — while still allowing me a certain degree of consistency and coherence that makes my work immediately identifiable if you know what to look for.

Best of all, I haven’t resorted to any of the more flagrantly transparent “clickbait” techniques, and “YouTube Face” is nowhere to be seen. The videos I make on YouTube are not for the same audience as Mr. Beast, so I make zero effort to court the sort of people who respond to those sorts of thumbnails.

And it works. At least I think so. Some of my videos perform about as well as what I considered a “solid performance” two or three years ago — that is to say, breaking three figures in the view count — but quite a lot more of them exceed that by two, three or even four times. And I’ve had a few breakout successes: my Super Woden GP 2 video sits at 86K views to date, my look at Ultima love letter Moonring has 21K views to date (and a very long tail), my video covering the announcement of The400 Mini attracted 14K views, and most recently a video on Project Gotham Racing 3 brought in a relatively modest but still impressive-for-my-channel 2.5K pairs of eyes.

I don’t do this for the views, as I quite frequently state; I do it because I enjoy it. But I won’t pretend it’s not nice when a video does well — at least partly because it results in a bit of pocket money for me. That Super Woden GP 2 video made me over a hundred quid within a few days of it being posted. And now I get a small payout from YouTube earnings (i.e. the minimum payment threshold) every couple of months, whereas once it was a far-off goal I thought I’d never achieve. That’s nice.

The secret behind those thumbnails? It’s not really anything complicated. The most effective advice from the Discord I’ve followed is to keep text to just a few bold words, and present those words using at least two of the following: a bold outline around the letters; a bold drop shadow; and slightly rotating various parts of the complete text so that the eye is drawn to lines that aren’t quite “straight”. That’s about it. I don’t overuse colour; I don’t overdo the “big red arrow” or “circling the obvious thing” tricks (although I put in a big red arrow occasionally as an in-joke to the group, which refers to itself as the “Big Red Arrow Club”); and, as noted, I don’t do the “YouTube Face”.

It works for me. The result is a channel full of videos I’m proud to call my own, and which a gradually (very gradually) growing number of people are coming to appreciate. That’s pleasing to me.

YouTube and YouTube culture has myriad problems, but it’s still the best place to create and share stuff like this. It’s a valuable means of self-expression and sharing one’s interests, and it’s something I’m glad I decided to get stuck into exploring properly.

You are subscribed, right?

#oneaday Day 50: Another Project Complete

As of today, I now have videos recorded for all 25 of the games included on The400 Mini, the miniature games console based around the Atari 8-bit. Not all of them have been published yet — the final one, which covers both Centipede and Millipede, will be out later in the week — but it’s nice to feel like another creative project is “done”. If you’re interested, I set up a playlist on YouTube here:

As you’ll note from the thumbnail, this playlist includes both videos that I’ve previously recorded that happen to cover the games on The400 Mini and new vids that I’ve recorded specifically to look at everything included on the system. The Atari 5200 games included in the playlist, covered during my “Atari A to Z Flashback” project, where I made videos for all 150 games on Atari Flashback Classics for Switch, are fundamentally identical to their Atari 8-bit counterparts, and a few others I’d previously covered on the 8-bit-centric “Atari A to Z” series.

I’m pleased with this, at least partly because it means I can now get on with exploring the broader Atari 8-bit library once again. The games included on The400 Mini are a fun cross-section of what was out there on Atari 8-bit, but they are just a fraction of the whole picture — a picture that today includes some incredible efforts from modern developers who are still putting out amazing stuff for the platform.

One of the things that I hope comes to light for people who watch my videos is that a lot of games that ended up being very famous across multiple platforms actually got their start on Atari 8-bit. Off the top of my head that I’ve covered already, there’s Boulder Dash, Alley Cat, Spelunker, Lode Runner, M.U.L.E. and plenty of others besides.

All of these are arguably more famous in other incarnations (except perhaps M.U.L.E.) but I feel it’s important to acknowledge where they came from in the first place; a lot of self-styled gaming historians don’t give the Atari 8-bit the credit it is due, assuming it to be a niche system on the level of stuff like the Oric Atmos, Dragon 32 and suchlike. But no; while the Atari 8-bit never had the same widespread acceptance of the ZX Spectrum and Commodore 64, it was still a lively, active and well-supported system (supported by everyone except Atari for significant portions of its lifespan, anyway) with some excellent capabilities that the platform’s more talented programmers really got to grips with.

I realise this all might sound a bit fanboyish, but that’s just because, well, I’m an Atari fan. Always have been. And I feel it’s a bit silly for big chunks of computing and gaming history to be ignored just because they didn’t happen on the most famous platforms.

And so I will continue to bang that drum on my YouTube channel. I have a platform there, and have amassed a following of quite a reasonable size. If the stuff I do convinces just one or two people to explore things a little beyond the usual scope of “retro” — or just to acknowledge that Atari home computers exist — then I’ll feel like I’ve done a decent job.

#oneaday Day 49: No Hate

I have little to no time for cynical negativity, and I’ve felt this way for quite some time. I’ve been trying to pin down exactly why I feel like I can’t participate in a conversation where one or more of the participants has switched to “cynical negativity” mode, and I think I’ve just answered my own question: it’s because it feels like those who are being negative are trying to close the conversation.

I don’t always mean literally, as in “let’s not talk about this any more”, but I tend to find that a negative opinion about something almost certainly stops people from wanting to pipe up and say “actually, I liked it”, because these days that often seems to lead to an unnecessarily heated argument. Both sides become entrenched in their respective positions, and both inevitably come out of the encounter feeling worse about the other person.

I know. I have been there on a frustrating number of occasions. There are Discord servers that I have come to feel less than welcome in because I liked something that someone with a louder voice than me didn’t. And I feel it’s genuinely quite hard to find a place where you can just go and be enthusiastic about something any more, without some killjoy jumping in and rattling off a laundry list of its “flaws”. And the negative one always seems to come off better than someone who feels positively about something — even when the positive one clearly knows a lot more about the thing in question.

Once someone has opened that initial negativity valve, one of two things tends to happen: 1) the conversation ends, with the positive person left feeling like they can no longer talk about something they like, or 2) other people, some of whom have no experience with the thing under discussion, feel emboldened to jump on board with the person being negative, leaving the positive person feeling like they’re being ganged up on.

There are responses to this, and I’ve heard them all.

“If you really love something, you criticise it.” That may be true, but “criticising it” is not the same as shitting all over it and, in some cases, casting aspersions on those who do like it.

“Stop being so defensive.” I am defensive because you are attacking something that is important to me.

“People are allowed to have different opinions.” If that is the case, why do I now feel like I cannot open my mouth and express my support for the thing that “the room” has now decided is “bad”?

“Stop playing the victim.” I’m sorry, but after probably over a decade of this at this point — of feeling like I have no place to really “belong” — I feel somewhat hard done by.

More than anything, though, it’s just boring. I know we can all have a good laugh at the creative ways in which people talk about things they dislike — it’s a lot harder to be “amusing” when you’re being positive, it seems — but when no-one seems to like anything any more, it becomes extremely tiresome.

I’m not saying no-one is allowed to dislike things. I’m not saying no-one is allowed to hate things with the burning passion of a thousand fiery suns. I’m saying I wish people would just be a little more considerate of those who like things, and want nothing more than to be able to talk about the things they like with other people.

Someone liking or loving something is an opportunity to learn and grow. Even if you end up not feeling the same way about the thing in question, you can learn something about the person you were talking to, and why the thing might be important to them. Meanwhile, if you close them down by saying you hate the thing before they’ve even had a chance to express themselves fully, that’s a potential relationship that is never going to go anywhere.

I feel bad that I even have to justify this. But with every passing day, I feel more and more alienated from people who should, in theory, be my friends, based on our shared interests. But when I’m confronted with negativity, I don’t feel welcome. I don’t feel like anyone wants to understand me. And I don’t feel like anyone wants to be my friend.

That’s a really shitty way to be feeling, let me tell you. And I hope it never happens to you.

#oneaday Day 48: Not So Great

Today was not so good. I spent a significant proportion of the evening having a fairly major panic attack. I thought I was just having a depressive episode, but when I realised I was shaking, my heart was racing and I was just generally feeling “afraid” to do anything, it became pretty clear what it actually was.

I decided to try and sleep it off, and while I don’t feel great now, I think the worst has passed, and in the meantime I certainly had what felt like some interesting dreams. They were the kind of dreams that evaporate as soon as you wake up properly so I unfortunately can’t say any more than that — aside from the phrase “it’s stunning, so long as you already have the suspension of disbelief required for modern VR”, for some reason — but they were certainly interesting.

This, of course, has pretty much taken up my entire evening and prevented me from doing anything more interesting, but sometimes you just have to try and take care of yourself the best way you know how. And when you’re suffering from some form of mental health breakdown, sometimes the best thing to do is just find a place or situation in which you feel comfortable, and ride the damn thing out. There’s a reason why so many folks make a connection between mental health episodes and “storms” of sort; the principle behind surviving them with minimal harm is very similar, albeit with one being physical and the other being mental.

Anyway, all that regrettably means I don’t have a lot of worthwhile things to say this evening. I’m hoping I feel better tomorrow — and I’m hoping the cat doesn’t keep me awake as much tonight as she did last night. I feel my struggles today may be related to this, though I can’t blame her or be mad at her; she wasn’t being malicious or deliberately trying to cause harm.

On that note, then, back to bed I go.

#oneaday Day 47: Making the Effort

I made it to the gym today. I didn’t make it first thing in the morning because I don’t feel that is going to work for me — at least not just yet. So I went a little bit after work instead. I walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill at 4mph (slightly faster than I usually walk, so enough to work up a bit of a sweat) and then did some stuff on the resistance machines.

And y’know what? It felt pretty good. I had that thing where three minutes into my walking I thought I’d made a terrible mistake, but I powered through that “wall” — helped along by having some entertaining stuff to watch on my phone and headphones — and made it to 20 minutes without too much difficulty. I could have probably done another 10 minutes, but the gym was reasonably busy, so I didn’t want to hog the machine too much.

The resistance machines remind me that I have a lot of scope for improvement, but it is definitely satisfying to complete a few sets on them. I don’t like all of them — and some of them are impractical or even impossible to use with my hernia — but the ones I do get along well with give me a decent workout in several different areas, which is good.

I haven’t gone back to using the free weights just yet as I’m trying to just get back into the general gym groove. A few sessions on a semi-regular basis and I think I’ll be back into a routine. I think I will rest tomorrow, then try and go again after work on Friday, then see how things go from there.

The trouble I’ve been having is that the weather conditions here right now are highly conducive to lethargy. The atmosphere is very stuffy both inside the house and outside, and it’s a real drain on one’s energy to just exist right now. I have somewhat reached the conclusion that you just have to sort of power through this, though, because waiting until it passes is a sure-fire route to doing absolutely nothing of use for a significant amount of time.

So it was a small step today, but I feel good about it. At times when I feel like I’ve been feeling, you have to take the little victories and celebrate them, because otherwise everything just becomes a bit overwhelming. So this is me, celebrating.

Yay?

#oneaday Day 46: I Fucking Hate Emoji

I fucking hate emoji. And I judge you negatively if you use them. I can’t control it. I hate the fucking things. And I firmly believe that using them, particularly to excess, makes you look like an absolute idiot.

I say this as someone who frequently still uses the “:)” emoticon from the early days of the Internet, though only in instant messages. I don’t use any others except very occasionally a “:(” if something bad has happened, but I tend to feel like using something as flippant as an emoticon somewhat detracts from the perceived gravity of the situation under discussion, so there are times when I refuse to use them altogether.

Emoji, though, are the scourge of modern communication. Particularly any variation of the “laughing” emoji.

I’m talking about these cunts -> 😂🤣

Because inevitably they are used excessively, and usually in a context where they are mocking or patronising someone rather than expressing genuine amusement. I’m particularly not-fond of them on Facebook posts that use that annoying “auto e-card” setting or whatever it is where an unfunny joke by an annoying person is absolutely fucking surrounded by them. You know, like this.

I judge people who use that particular setting on Facebook even more negatively than people who just use emojis.

I think my absolute least favourite use of emoji, though, is when someone insists on punctuating every few words of a sentence with them, as if we’re all too stupid to read the big scary words and need little pictures to go along with them in order to understand what’s going on.

I had a book called Bunny Rabbit Rebus when I was a kid, and I found it kind of interesting, but also kind of annoying. For the unfamiliar, a rebus is when you represent a word (or part of a word) using pictures or symbols, and Bunny Rabbit Rebus used them for significant portions of its text. It was mildly amusing to the childish me at first, but by the time I’d figured out that a capital letter “E” coloured red meant “Ready” (Red E, geddit) I was already starting to think that this book thought it was much more clever than it actually was. And I was, like, five years old at the time.

Whenever I read a post from someone who insists on writing things like “Feeling 🙏 blessed because of my 👪 family 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣” I just think of Bunny Rabbit Rebus, and immediately assume that whoever typed that shit has reverted to being a not-particularly-intelligent five year old.

I think part of this stems from how I’ve always been a very competent reader, and these stupid little icons break up text and actively make it harder to read, particularly when they’re jammed in the middle of a sentence. I also kind of resent the use of them to tell me how I’m supposed to be feeling when I read the thing — or, indeed, in the most common use of the “laughing” emojis, that I’m being patronised by someone who, for whatever reason, disagrees with me and thinks that is worthy of “rolling on the floor laughing”. Because polite disagreement is not a thing we do online any more.

Anyway, the long and short of this is that if you use emoji excessively, I will judge you. And I will laugh at you. And I don’t need 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣 to do it.

#oneaday Day 45: Happy Wordiversary

Apparently, according to my notifications anyway, today is the 16th anniversary of me signing up on WordPress.com. Indeed, looking back at my very first post it does seem that I started blogging on here on July 22, 2008.

Back in those days, I posted sporadically. I wasn’t really sure what to do with a blog at the time, I just felt like I wanted one. It actually wasn’t the first blog I’d had, either, although it’s the only one that’s survived this long.

I did, at one point, post an anonymous “Tales from the Staffroom” blog on BlogSpot that recounted my experiences as a classroom teacher, but there appears to be no trace of that left on the current Internet. There is an archive of it from as recently as 2023, but Google appears to have gone on a “Blogger purge” at some point in the last year, so the address no longer works on the current Web. This is a shame, but at least archive.org caught it before it disappeared.

At the time I started this blog, I was still working at the Apple Store as a “Creative” — that is to say, I was one of the people whose job it was to provide training sessions for Mac users on the use of creative software. Technically our job was supposed to be confined to lessons on Apple software only, but we inevitably found ourselves having to deal with customers using all manner of weird and wonderful pieces of software for their very specific needs.

This was partly our own fault — one guy on the Creative team was a Photoshop expert, so him happily covering that set the expectation with customers that we should all be able to cover Photoshop, even though several of us had specialisms in other areas — but also it just felt a bit mean to have someone just turn up, ask for help (which, nine times out of ten, was pretty simple, given that most folks who signed up for the “One to One” programme were new Mac users and often elderly) and tell them “no”.

I enjoyed that job for quite a while. I had a nice group of friends and I was good at it. The pay was… all right, considering it was a retail position, and the freebies and staff discounts were excellent. Unfortunately it ended badly when the management of the store inexplicably went into something of a decline and started being unnecessarily harsh on the folks working for them. I ended up losing my job after standing up for a colleague of mine who absolutely was unfairly dismissed, but given that both management and the folks above them closed ranks, he was never going to get fair treatment. And, as it turned out, I didn’t, either. Thankfully, I resigned before they could fire me, but it left an extremely bitter taste in my mouth with regards to all things Apple.

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on that too much because that’s probably a whole other story I can tell another day. That was the context in which I was writing those first posts, though: I was, for a time, genuinely quite happy and satisfied with the way things were going. My life perhaps wasn’t proceeding in the direction I had initially intended — after a nervous breakdown, I decided that classroom teaching really wasn’t for me — but it was proceeding, at least. And having a blog was a nice breezy way to ponder on all sorts of things without any sort of real “pressure”. I can’t even remember if I’d joined Facebook or Twitter in 2008; I think I probably had, but social media certainly wasn’t the all-encompassing force of shittiness that it is today back then.

It’s interesting to look back and see things that no longer exist, such as PMOG, the Passively Multiplayer Online Game, where you earned experience points and other RPG-style benefits for simply browsing the Web. And it’s also gratifying to see that so far as my tastes are concerned, some things never change.

You are, of course, always welcome to browse back into the archives via the dropdown in the sidebar. (I’m not sure where it is on mobile, probably at the bottom?) I’m not the same person I was back then — but every experience I’ve had, everything I’ve written about, has helped make me who I am today, for better or worse.

#oneaday Day 44: What’s Next?

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just sort of waiting for the next “major” thing to happen in your life, and that you’re unsure exactly how you might go about triggering such a thing, if indeed it is trigger-able?

I feel this quite a lot. It’s disconcerting. It’s like a constant sense that I should be doing something, but I have no idea what. It’s a feeling of unease that creeps up on me and whispers “Don’t you think you should…” and then trails off before saying the important part of the sentence. It is, in short, just a general feeling of discontent.

Considering the situation rationally, I’m not sure I have any real reason to feel like this. I have a comfortable living situation, a good job, a loving wife and two wonderful cats. I have an enormous video game collection, likely more than enough to see me entertained until my dying day. I have creative outlets in the form of this blog, my website MoeGamer and my YouTube channel.

And yet something still doesn’t feel quite right. I am dissatisfied. I am restless. And I think a significant part of my reason for feeling like this is plain ol’ loneliness. While the aforementioned wife and cats are wonderful company on a daily basis, I do mourn past eras of my life when social activities feel like they came a bit more naturally and easily.

Going to a friend’s house after school. Dropping by the coffee shop on the way to lectures with a university friend (and sometimes not quite getting around to leaving the coffee shop for said lecture). Evenings spent couch-surfing between numerous different friends’ houses because my own house was a significant distance from where everyone else I knew. Habitually dropping by Hoffers Bakery for a roll and a cake, then settling in for an afternoon of multiplayer N64. Weekly board game sessions. Going out, like, anywhere.

All of those are things that are well and truly in the past, and were already going that way before COVID hit — and once COVID did hit, nothing ever really recovered. I’ve seen the people who are supposedly my closest friends maybe three or four times in the last few years. There are people online with whom I used to be extremely close that I can’t remember the last time I heard from. There are people that I once thought would be “lifelong friends” that I feel have probably forgotten about me.

At least some of the blame for this can be laid at my own feet, of course. But honestly, my own efforts in these regards tailing off stemmed from growing frustration that I would often want to do something fun with people I liked, and for one reason or another, it seemed like that was never possible. Scheduling conflicts. Family commitments. Illness. Simply not being arsed. I got to a point where I felt like I was putting in effort that wasn’t being reciprocated proportionally, and it just didn’t feel worth it any more. That, in turn, did a number of my self-confidence, meaning that more often than not my brain just doesn’t want to let me try and reach out to people for fear of them just rejecting me — or worse — once again.

As such, the end result of all this is a 43 year old man sitting in front of his computer in the dark typing about how he feels lonely to the maybe 5-10 people who still actually bother to read this site. Admitting you were lonely amounted to social suicide in my teenage years — you were a “Larry” (for “Larry Loner”) — but now, it feels like an increasingly inevitable part of life in 2024. And it sucks.

I think that, more than anything, is why I’m dissatisfied. I want that “next thing”, that amorphous “major event” in my life, to be the end of this horrible loneliness. But at this point, I simply don’t really know how to make that happen.