1986: The Day After

I am absolutely exhausted. I was fine for most of today — presumably still riding high on the nerves/stress/adrenaline from yesterday — but in the last half hour or so I’ve started a real slump and I am now extremely ready to go to bed and sleep for about a week.

It’s back to relative normality tomorrow, though, as I have a bunch of work to do this week; that said, we are heading off to go and visit my parents later in the week, so that will be nice to have a change of scenery for a couple of days.

I talk about nerves, stress and adrenaline, but yesterday really wasn’t all that majorly stressful in the end. I know that weddings can be complicated and stressful affairs when you have lots of moving parts involved, but we deliberately decided to keep things very simple. Specifically, we identified all the parts of weddings that we both hated (spending hours over photographs, obnoxious DJs, shoehorned-in “entertainment”, poncy food) and eliminated those from the equation altogether, leaving us with a fairly bare-bones ceremony and reception, but one at which most people seemed to enjoy themselves a great deal. After all, if we hate those aspects of weddings, it’s entirely possible that other people do too!

But it’s all over now, and it kind of doesn’t quite feel like it was real. I’m sure it’ll sink in eventually — particularly as I’m now quite conscious of the ring on my finger — but for now, it’s probably the tiredness talking, but I’m enjoying the gently euphoric sense of knowing that it’s all over and done with and we can both now look forward to whatever the future holds.

Now, I know this has been a short entry, but I am knackered. And as such I will bid you all a good night.

1877: Aaaaand We’re Back

Made it home, though my last flight from Dublin back to Southampton was delayed by two hours and the heating appeared to be broken in the part of Dublin’s airport that I had to wait for my flight in. It was very cold indeed and not the sort of experience I wanted before 7am. But the time eventually passed — assisted partly by Criminal Girls, whose “Education Block” chapter has made the whole experience very much worthwhile — and I got on the noisy shed-with-wings that was to carry me back to my home town, and that was that.

Unfortunately, the two-hour delay meant that I missed out on a few hours of work (and, consequently, money) today, but there’s not a lot I can do about that, unfortunately. I have several hours of work tomorrow, though, so that will help, and from here I can start trying to get myself into some sort of routine, working on various different things over the course of the week in an attempt to (hopefully) make ends meet somehow.

I’m a little worried about the future, to be perfectly honest. Right now it’s quite difficult to determine quite how much money I’ll be able to get rolling in each month, but I guess that’s something I’ll be able to figure out with time — coupled with determining how much time I need to spend chasing paying work up, and how much time I have to pursue other projects which may or may not lead to something. It’s anxiety-inducing, but at least it’s not stressful and soul-destroying in the same way that being systematically bullied out of a “regular” job has proven to be on more than one occasion in my life. So I guess there’s that.

In the meantime, I have some fond memories of the weekend just gone to look back on, and I’m glad about that. We’ve already been confusing people with talk of vampire zombie maids and poisonous war elephants, and it’s clear that everyone had a good time, albeit an exhausting one.

I shall sleep extremely well tonight, I’m sure. At 20 past 10 in the evening, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open; I did the final boss of Syrcus Tower in Final Fantasy XIV mostly with my eyes shut. (It’s quite easy.) So I think it’s probably time to admit defeat to the exhaustion of the last few days that has finally caught up with me, slump into bed and fall asleep. That, at least, is satisfying; while I’m sad to have left my friends behind, it’s also good to be home, and back to my own bed.

1788: Sleepless

I am tired. Really tired.

Like, falling asleep at inappropriate moments tired. Well, maybe not quite full-on falling asleep, but I was most certainly at serious risk of it while sitting at my desk earlier.

It was that kind of tired where you think you’ll just close your eyes for a moment and refresh yourself, then “wake up” a couple of seconds later, hoping that no-one noticed you were drifting off.

It’s a frustrating kind of tired because it’s not a kind of tired you can easily get over. A cup of coffee doesn’t shift it, and it always tends to come early in the day when you can’t really get away with a nap… Particularly if you’re at work.

Fortunately I’m now at home, in bed, having watched The Apprentice, and am now ready to go to sleep. And I’m terribly sorry to not write anything more interesting at this point, but as I believe I may have mentioned earlier, I am very tired.

So I’m going to go to sleep at last. Good night!

1653: Impromptu Vacation

Whew.

Now that our international visitors have departed, it is time to collapse into a heap and fall asleep — and indeed, that is what I did for much of this afternoon, and that is what I’m probably going to do shortly after I hit the “Publish” button on this post.

It’s been a great few days, though, and Mark and Lynette appeared to have an enjoyable time. We didn’t have nearly enough time to do all the things we might have wanted to do — such is inevitably the way when you have just a few days to spend with people you don’t get to see in person very often — but we got a decent amount of things in, including a wander around Southampton (including the waterfront and the “old bits” at the far end of town), a visit to the stately home and grounds at Mottisfont, and a trip to Oxford for two room escape games, a wander around two of the colleges and finally an evening of gaming at the UK’s first (only?) board game café Thirsty Meeples.

Doing so much in such a short space of time has reminded me that our lifestyle on “normal” days is rather more sedate. I feel genuinely exhausted right now, though not at all sorry that we got to do as many things as we did. Whenever I host visitors — even if it’s just for a couple of hours — I often find myself worrying that I’m not entertaining them enough, or not being a good enough host or whatever. This time around, I feel like we did a decent job: a bit of downtime to relax and play things like ZombiU and Towerfall, trips out to see interesting things near and far, and a few “quintessentially British” things just to make them feel like they’ve had an experience that they can’t have anywhere else — even if that experience is just, I don’t know, eating a Jaffa Cake or something.

But anyway. Now they have departed and I am about to collapse, it’s time for a sort-of holiday before my new job starts at the end of August. I’m not quite sure what to expect from the job as yet, but I’m quite looking forward to it, for a number of reasons: chiefly, the fact that I’ll have reliable money coming in every month, but also the fact that it’s something I’ll be able to show up to, do, clock out at the end of the day and not have to worry about in the evenings. (Hopefully, anyway.) This will allow me to kick back of an evening and enjoy myself with some games or some TV or some anime without feeling like I “should” be doing something specific — a common issue that will be familiar to anyone who has ever written about games for a living. While I still fully intend to write about a variety of subjects for my own site MoeGamer, I’m not planning on putting any undue pressure on myself to romp through games as quickly as possible; I’m not working to a review schedule, nor do I have to worry about the “glut” of games coming later in the year. I can simply write about games as and when I feel like it, as often as I feel like it, and in as much detail as I feel like. It’s refreshing, and I can’t help thinking it will be a fine way to dispel some of the cynicism I’ve built up over the last few years. (Shitty free-to-play mobile games can still eat a dick, though, as can pretty much anything from EA.)

Anyway. I can feel my writing descending into rambling stream-of-consciousness, so rather than inflicting that on you, I will simply say good night for now, and hopefully be a little more alert tomorrow!

1240: Zzzz

Please don’t expect anything especially coherent for the next few days. E3 is happening, and I worked a 20-hour day yesterday, a pretty long one today (with a few breaks) and will doubtless continue to do so while the show is still on. I’m not even at the show. This does, however, mean that I don’t have to endure parties where everyone around me is getting drunk and inevitably having more fun than me.

That said, it would be quite nice to hang out with some people I only know as Twitter avatars at present – or people that I haven’t seen in person for several years.

Things I have seen at E3 that I like so far: Final Fantasy XV, Monolithsoft’s X, Bayonetta 2, The Wonderful 101, The Crew, Quantum Break, David Cage’s Dark Sorcerer thingy, the PlayStation 4.

Things I have seen at E3 that I am not crazy about: The Xbox One, Battlefield 4, Killzone, Titanfall, Destiny, any other shooters. BORING.

If you want any more from me, go check out USgamer. And I’ll be back to my more usual wordy self later in the week all being well.

Now, sleep.

1239: I Think I’m Actually Dying

Hello. It is 1:43 in the morning and I am still at work. I am actually in an office doing work, too — the nature of my new job means that I can actually pop in to the Eurogamer offices in Brighton on occasion and feel like I actually work with other people (when in fact my real colleagues are several thousand miles away, but eh.)

The reason it is 1:43 in the morning and I am still at work is because it is E3. I have been working since 11am yesterday, and I will likely continue working until approximately 4am, at which point I have to drive back to Southampton, which will take nearly two hours. Thankfully, this is the only day that this much crap is going on at E3, so I can live with it for now.

I can also live with it because I’m actually enjoying myself. I can tell I enjoy my job because I think about writing things for it when I’m not “on the clock,” as it were. I want to post things. I want to talk about games. It’s great fun. The other people who work with me on USgamer feel the same way, too, and we’re building a great site through our collective enthusiasm and knowledge.

Speaking of USgamer, the site’s now live after a somewhat hectic day. The sites have been up and down all day for various reasons, but they currently seem somewhat stable. Check it out here. Enjoy! And that’s all I’m going to write for now, because I need to conserve my energy somewhat!

1225: Red Wizard Needs Z’s Badly

I’m exhausted. I’m not quite sure why I feel so utterly exhausted because I slept well last night and today hasn’t exactly been a particularly strenuous day. We played a couple of short games this morning before departing the pleasant country farmhouse we’d been staying in over the weekend, drove back, then, presumably, did our respective “Things” once we got home rather than immediately falling into a coma like I feel like doing right now.

The only thing I can possibly attribute it to is the two gin and tonics I had last night. I don’t really drink any more so even a tiny bit of alcohol tends to have quite a strong impact on me — disappointingly, this doesn’t tend to take the form of getting amusingly giggly or wobbly any more; rather, it tends to just make me a bit tired, particularly the day after I’ve been drinking. I guess what I’m enduring is a sort of hangover, albeit a rather pathetic one that will be immensely disappointing to those who used to enjoy past drunken (and post-drunken) ramblings.

The other thing it could be, of course, is the fact that we stayed up until about 2 in the morning playing various combinations of board, card and computer games, then tumbled into bed (not together) before waking up relatively early (for a bank holiday Monday, anyway) today.

Either way, it’s not a particularly good show, is it? I vividly remember the days when I’d happily stay up all night just for the hell of it (and regret it for the majority of the following day, particularly if there were any university lectures involved) and consume several gallons of alcoholic beverages before texting people I fancied messages with lots of X’s on the end of them (the number of X’s was typically proportional to how much I fancied them) and collapsing into bed, quite possibly fully-clothed.

Depressingly, the time when I was able to behave like that on a regular basis was over ten years ago now. Longtime readers will doubtless note that the posts I linked to above were from relatively early in this whole #oneaday lark, but they were isolated incidents rather than something I was doing on a regular basis.

Actually, I say “depressingly”, but I don’t really feel the need to stay up until ungodly hours in the morning and stagger in as pissed as a fart on a regular basis. At the tender age of 32, I’m more than happy to spend my evening lounging on the sofa watching some entertaining videos or playing a game. It doesn’t stop me from indulging in a late night once in a while, of course — apparently I just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences the following day!

Now I am going to go to bed and possibly sleep for about a thousand years. (Note: It will probably not be about a thousand years. Probably more like 8 hours or so, I imagine.) Good night, and hopefully I’ll have a more lively brain that is willing to talk about something a bit more interesting on the morrow.

1164: Urgh

I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. It’s one of those times of year where everything seems to be dull, grey and miserable, both literally and metaphorically. It’s cold outside, it’s often raining or snowing, everyone is getting pissy with everyone else and I’d just quite like Existence to be a bit nicer, please.

The thing I think I’m finding most tiresome and exhausting at the moment is how short everyone’s fuse on the Internet seems to be at the moment. I’m not even on Twitter any more and I’m still seeing stupid, ill-informed, pointless arguments erupting all the time. I’m deliberately avoiding all of them because I know from past experience attempting to provide some sort of rational viewpoint on any even vaguely “hot-button” issue will just get everyone yelling at you for no apparent reason. If they want to yell at each other, fine; it’s just frustrating to see it happening, and Facebook’s refusal to allow users to take control of their experience so they can insert advertising into mental orifices you didn’t know you had means that it’s all but unavoidable.

The current thing that seems to be getting everyone riled up is the current gay marriage Supreme Court thing that’s going on in the States. Not being American, I don’t know all the details of what’s happening but I know my feelings on gay marriage, which are as follows: if you love each other and would both like to get married, you should be able to get married, whoever you are. Simple as that.

But this isn’t about my views on gay marriage or indeed anyone else’s views on gay marriage; rather, it’s about one of those “Internet solidarity” things where everyone changes their avatar to the same thing to show support for a cause, “get people talking” and “raise awareness”. I personally think that this is an idea that never works properly (I wrote about it when it happened for a different issue here) and sparks more arguments than it raises awareness — particularly when people don’t explain what their sudden change to an abstract avatar is all about — but ultimately it’s something that people are going to do if they think it helps, and I’ve learned it’s really not worth arguing over.

Why? Because no-one on the Internet actually listens to anyone else. (That’s a generalisation. There are exceptions. But check out any comments thread on a hot-button issue like this and you’ll see.) People stick staunchly to their viewpoint and refuse to entertain the possibility of acknowledging (let alone embracing) an alternative outlook. And because people on both sides are so resolute that Their Way is the Right Way, tempers inevitably flare, people start calling each other hypocrites and trawling back over old social media posts to find that one post they know where their opponent did something that doesn’t match up with the viewpoint they’re advocating now.

I’m tired of it. Really tired. And I feel selfish saying that, but I’m saying it anyway. I’m tired of feeling like the exhausted teacher sitting at the front of the room powerless to do anything while a classroom full of children fight over silly “he said, she said” quarrels that aren’t really addressing anything at all. (I speak from experience.)

I remember in the early days of the Internet, when communication with like-minded strangers was exciting. I remember spending hours on CompuServe’s “CB Simulator” chat room talking to people — I even made some actual friends through it. I remember being polite and treating strangers with respect, and I remember them doing likewise. I remember being excited about this awesome-seeming future whereby anyone in the world could communicate with anyone else at the touch of a button.

Fast forward fifteen years or so and everyone is using this frankly amazing technology to call each other wankers. Good job, world.

#oneaday Day 957: Too Tired to Think of a Good Title

EHMAGERD. So tired. SO tired. I’m at that stage of tired where you can barely keep your eyes open, and yet here I am blogging, showing frankly admirable commitment to a cause that all but one other daily blogger (to my knowledge) had abandoned.

I apologise in advance for what is doubtless about to become a purely “filler” entry, its word count padded out with overly flowery language and unnecessarily complex descriptions of things that probably don’t need to be described or discussed in the first place. But it’s 2am and I’ve just got back from a two hour drive having spent all day playing board games, so… meh. My blog, my rules. (If you’re a new reader, though, sorry. Seriously. I’m usually much more coherent than this. I think.)

So what board games have I been playing? Well, the vast majority of the day ended up being monopolised (no pun intended) by the official board game adaptation of Blizzard’s Starcraft. This game comes in a hefty box with hundreds of cool pieces, and is quite complex. I’ve had a copy for some time now but for various reasons we had managed to play it precisely three quarters of a time prior to today. And that was so long ago that we had all forgotten all the rules.

Our board gaming group is somewhat loose in terms of “discipline”, for want of a better word. Gaming night is a social occasion primarily, though the games themselves of course play a prominent role. What this means in practice is that we spend a lot of time talking, looking at Cassetteboy videos on the Internet and drinking coffee when we “should” be playing. By extension, this means that a game that should take a few hours tops takes all day.

Starcraft is a prime example. The box claims 3-4 hours, which is already hefty, but throw in time for consulting the rule book and various interruptions — including a friend popping by to demonstrate the Airsoft guns we’re going to be using for one of our number’s upcoming stag do — and it’s easy to see why it took us from 3.30 to well after 10pm to finish up a single game.

Actually, it doesn’t quite explain it. Time, as the cliché goes, tends to pass incredibly quickly when you’re doing something entertaining, particularly with friends, and the experience is over all too quickly. It’s a stark reminder of the fact that we are all, in fact, adults, and consequently should probably manage our free time a little better than we sometimes do.

Still, I’m pleased to report that we did, in fact, manage to complete a game of Starcraft, and it was fun. We all understood the mechanics by the end — no thanks to the rule book, which is incredibly poorly organised, though this is not really anything new for Fantasy Flight games — and were in a position where we could take a turn without having to continually refer to step by step instructions. Which is nice.

Whether or not Starcraft will make another appearance at the table remains to be seen — games that take a very long time often tend to be bumped in favour of several shorter ones — but I enjoyed it and would certainly be up for playing it again, preferably while the rules are still fresh in my head.

But anyway. I am about to collapse from exhaustion so I am going to leave that there and go to bed before I fall asleep on my keyboard.

#oneaday Day 575: Tiredscom

Well, I’ve been up since before 4am this morning UK time and am just now settling down into bed. I think it’s pretty fair to say that I have had A Long Day and am perfectly justified in feeling as exhausted as I am right now.

I wouldn’t change it for a thing, though — this kind of tired is satisfied tired, the satisfaction you get from knowing that you’ve done something that you enjoy, and that your efforts go appreciated. Compare and contrast with teaching for example, where your efforts frequently went without notice. Eventually as the profession drove me closer and closer to the brink of insanity I just stopped putting in that extra effort because it really wasn’t worth it. It didn’t benefit the kids, who were as irritating as ever; it didn’t benefit my colleagues, who were as stressed out as ever; and it sure as hell didn’t benefit me.

But we’re not talking about that today. We’re talking about the satisfaction and reward that comes with doing something that you enjoy. That reward isn’t necessarily monetary in nature (though it’s nice when it is) — it could be the simple sense of pleasure that comes from seeing your name in “lights”, from a kind word or from the knowledge that you’re building a good reputation.

Whatever it is, I encourage you to pursue it. Life’s too short to spend your time trapped in something you hate, however “practical” it might be. Follow your dreams and however tough the road might be, you never know where you might end up.

On that note, I’m absolutely knackered so the only road I’m following now is the one that leads to the bed. Night night.