1602: Search Terms

It’s been a long time since I pored over my blog’s stats — largely because I don’t particularly care about them, since I’m writing more for myself than anyone else — but it’s occasionally interesting to take a peek at the search terms that show how people have arrived at this ‘ere site.

For the longest time, my blog’s most popular post was this one, which features animated GIFs of stickmen doing various offensive things to one another. People would show up at my blog through search terms like “stickman sex gif” and the like — why on Earth were so many people searching for this sort of thing when there is far better porn available on the Internet? — and this, consequently, led to that post being consistently popular. Alongside that, some things I wrote ages ago about classic PC games Divine Divinity and No-One Lives Forever proved consistently popular, as did my guide on how to play Kairosoft’s mobile game Pocket Academy.

It’s only been fairly recently that those consistently popular posts have finally fallen off my top search terms — although, looking today, Pocket Academy is still there. Instead, we have a few newcomers.

First up was this post, in which I bemoaned the repetitiveness and utter stupidity of “[brand] sponsors [programme] on [channel]” bumpers on commercial TV channels — specifically, the infuriatingly asinine “Alpen Sponsors Characters on Dave” campaign, which features a middle-aged, bearded man speaking with a funny accent and saying painfully unfunny lines clearly written by a bored advertising executive who was apparently once told by someone that they were “really funny” more to shut them up than anything else. Since said advertising campaign is still running on Dave, it seems there’s a certain degree of interest in this campaign — search terms include people asking who the guy is (I have no idea) and, so far as I can make out, why the fuck it exists.

It seems I’ve become a source of information on certain types of games and types of entertainment, too. Someone arrived today looking for a map of the Endless Road dungeon in Demon Gaze (while I am playing Demon Gaze right now, you won’t find any maps here, sorry), while another person wanted to find out which of the in-game races had the most HP. (I have no idea there either.)

Alongside that, there are just plain bizarre pairings of search terms, the oddest of which is kiss x sis and doctor who, an unholy fusion of a somewhat ecchi anime and the classic, resurrected BBC sci-fi series from which this blog takes its name, but which I do not.

Then there’s the person asking “is bovril good for you” — I have no idea, sorry, though with how salty it tastes, I doubt it — and “waiting for the phone to ring” which, I assume, led them to this post, or possibly this one.

It paints an interesting picture of the people I am somehow attracting to this site — or at least, the type of people that Google feels is appropriate to send over here. Everyone is welcome, one and all; I can’t promise you’ll find what you’re looking for, but hopefully you’ll stumble across something fun in the meantime.

1433: Search This

In the absence of anything particularly interesting to talk about today, I once again braved the pit that is this blog’s search terms to see exactly how people are finding me.

Yesterday’s search terms were less than enlightening, consisting of one instance of “your minge smells”, one instance of “ayakashi ghost guild hot girls” and twenty-two search terms that the search engines in question didn’t pass on to WordPress.

I’m not entirely sure how the first one led someone here, since actually searching the site itself for “your minge smells” reveals that, as I suspected, I have never used that particular combination of words in any of the 1,498 posts I’ve written on here since July of 2008. I can’t think why I would use that particular combination of words on a post here, save for the fact that it’s an amusing way to tell someone they have an unpleasantly fragrant vagina. That said, there aren’t all that many people I feel comfortable enough with to comment on the scent of their lady-parts, so I don’t honestly see myself breaking it out all that often.

As for “ayakashi ghost guild hot girls”, I can only assume this was a reference to the time when I briefly tried to understand the Japanese card-battling phenomenon by spending a bit of time with Zynga’s take on the genre, the aforementioned Ayakashi Ghost Guild. While noting that most of these card-battling games are full of hot girls in various provocative outfits isn’t entirely inaccurate, it’s not something I commented on in my original post, nor is it a game that I’ve returned to or deemed worthy of further discussion since then. So to the person who came here searching for the hot girls of Ayakashi Ghost Guild, I can only apologise and send you on your way. (And if you’re after sexy pics of anime girls, believe me, there are a lot better places to look than a mobile card game. Uh, apparently.)

What about those mysterious hidden search terms, though? I kind of want to know what they are now, though there’s no real way of finding out as far as I can tell. I do know that for some inexplicable reason the top search term on my blog of all time is “BioShock”, a game I didn’t like all that much, closely followed by “teaching sucks”, a viewpoint I still very much stand by.

But then “monster cock” is pretty high up the list too, so I don’t really know what to think any more.

Anyway, I’m getting tired and slightly delirious so I think that’s a good place to leave that.

#oneaday Day 522: Addressing the Audience’s Demands

So in an attempt to better understand my audience, such as you are, I’ve been delving once again into the top search terms for my blog. I’m going to take the top ten search terms from the last year and address each and every one of them individually so that hopefully if you’ve been in attendance on this page at some point in the past and found it to be wanting for further information on the topic you searched for, you’ll feel better and more satisfied in your choice of Google links that you clicked on.

Divine Divinity (303 hits)

Divine Divinity is an action-RPG from Larian Studios which bears more than a passing resemblance to Blizzard’s Diablo series. The difference is that the world is not randomly generated and there is a more robust quest and interaction system more akin to something like the Baldur’s Gate series. The entire world is available to explore from the get-go and aside from some appalling voice acting of the very worst kind, it’s a great game. Pity its sequels aren’t up to much. You can grab it from Good Old Games.

I’m Not Doctor Who (81 hits)

That’s the name of this site, because my name is Peter Davison, though I usually go by “Pete” because I prefer it. Peter Davison, as you may know, was the stage name for Peter Moffett, who played the Doctor in Doctor Who between 1982 and 1984. I am not him, therefore I am not Doctor Who.

Offensive GIFs (73 hits)

Here’s one.

Teaching Sucks (65 hits)

Teaching does indeed suck. I’ve worked as a classroom teacher on two separate occasions in my life and on both occasions it nearly killed me. In the first instance, I stuck it out for three years in the secondary school music classroom — my first year in a run-down school half a million quid in the red where I was threatened with being knifed on a regular basis, and my second in an ostensibly “nicer” area but which still reduced me to a literally gibbering wreck by the end of my time there.

The reasons why it sucks? Poor behaviour and teachers’ lack of power to do anything about it. Ridiculous amounts of bureaucracy. The fact that one person is expected to do what, in any other job, a team of at least four or five people would take on between them.

If you can stick it out, fair play to you. It’s not for me.

“Mandatory Sex Party” (35 hits)

This was a term coined by Allie Brosh, who at one point wasn’t sure whether or not it was an actual thing that happened. I’m still not sure, but there’s certainly a lot more than one Google hit for it now.

Persona 4 (35 hits)

Persona 4 is one of my favourite games of all time. Featuring a hugely lengthy quest, genuinely loveable characters, a gripping (if crazy) plot and a love-it-or-hate-it catchy soundtrack, Persona 4 is one of the greatest JRPGs of all time and I will fight you if you disagree.

Fatal Labyrinth (34 hits)

Fatal Labyrinth is a graphical roguelike for the Sega Mega Drive/Genesis. You can play it as part of the Sega Mega Drive Collection on the Xbox 360 and PS3, but I bet you haven’t.

“Get Rich or Die Gaming” (27 hits)

Get Rich or Die Gaming is an absolutely terrible Xbox Live Indie Game with artwork that looks like it was put together in Microsoft Paint, voice acting that would make a school play’s director blush and designs on being a point-and-click adventure. Fair play to them for actually releasing it, but it really is not very good.

NSFW GIFs (26 hits)

Here’s one.

Memes GIF (25 hits)

(Click to embiggen. Some NSFW. Some NSF anybody. Apparently this character is called “optimized GIF dude” and is something of a meme. I’d never heard of him, actually.)

So there we are. I hope you feel suitably satisfied now. If not, go and have a sandwich and a wank.