2529: Mobile Phone Apathy

0529_001

I’ve always thought of myself as something of a gadget-head, but over the last few years I’ve become increasingly underwhelmed and bored with those most ubiquitous of devices, the mobile phone.

I remember getting my first mobile phone towards the end of my schooldays. It was a big fat Motorola thing with an extendable aerial, and I remember the most exciting thing about it was discovering that I could hold down a button to write lower-case letters in text messages, whereas I’d previously been writing in all-caps like a grandmother learning to use email for the first time. (We were all writing in all-caps like a grandmother learning to use email for the first time at the time.)

Every year or two after that, there was the excitement of The Upgrade. I upgraded from my Motorola to a Nokia 3210, which was exciting because it had Snake on it, and everyone loved Snake, despite it being something that I’d played some 15 years earlier on my old Atari 8-bit computers. Then I upgraded to a Nokia 3330, which had Snake II on it (which was essentially Snake with mildly better graphics). These two phones were pretty similar to one another, though this was also the age that phones were getting smaller rather than bigger, so the 3330 was pleasingly compact after the relatively bulky 3210.

After that, I went for a Sony Ericsson phone that had a colour screen and a camera. Well, I say it had a camera; actually, the camera was a separate unit you had to snap on to the bottom of it which took photos at approximately the size of a postage stamp that weren’t any use to anyone. The colour screen was nice, though.

After that, I got a phone whose make and model I can’t remember, but which I think was actually one of my favourite phones of all time. It had a pretty big screen — in colour again, a reasonable quality camera and, best of all, the ability to record sounds that could subsequently be used for ringtones, message tones, alarm tones and all manner of other things. It was a lot of fun, and an early phone to support Java, too, which meant you could download games for it. And there were some decent games available, too — most notably the excellent puzzle game Lumines, which had previously been something exclusive to PSP owners.

If I remember correctly, my next phone after that was the ill-fated Nokia N-Gage, which I picked up out of interest in its gaming capabilities. I actually ended up liking it as a phone more than a gaming device, since its vertically-oriented screen made a lot of games impractical and tricky to play, but the dedicated directional pad, the way you held it and the big, bright, clear screen made it a very comfortable personal organiser device. Sure, you looked dumb talking on it — it was notorious for its “side-talking” posture, whereby you looked like you were holding a taco up to your ear while talking on it — but I rarely talked on the phone anyway, so this simply wasn’t a big issue for me. It’s actually one of my most fondly remembered phones.

I forget if I had any other phones between the N-Gage and the iPhone that I was given for free while I worked at Apple — I was working retail during the launch of the device — but none spring to mind. The iPhone, meanwhile, was actually a little underwhelming when it first launched; while its bright display and capacitive touchscreen certainly looked lovely, iOS 1.X was severely limited in what you could actually do with it. About the most interesting thing you could do with a first-gen iPhone was browse the “full” Internet rather than only WAP-enabled mobile-specific pages. (Interestingly, with responsive sites, we’ve now actually gone back to having mobile-specific pages, albeit with a lot more functionality than old-school WAP sites.)

The iPhone was a bit of a watershed moment for mobile phones, though, because it’s at that point that devices stopped being quite so different and unique from one another. Each and every iPhone is much like the last — perhaps a little faster, a little bigger, a little clearer, a little more lacking connection ports we’ve previously taken for granted — and each and every Android phone is much like the last too, except, of course, for the ones that function as inadvertent incendiary devices.

I’ve had my HTC One M8 phone for over two years now. I picked it up as an upgrade from my crusty old iPhone 4 because I was bored with iOS and wanted to see what Android was like, and discovered that yes, I liked Android, though it’s just as boring as iOS is. Now, even as I’m eligible for an upgrade to the newest, latest and greatest, I have absolutely no desire to investigate my options whatsoever. The M8 works fine for what I use it for, and I find most new phones virtually indistinguishable from what the M8 offers. Again, they might be a little bit faster or offer a higher resolution screen — although at the size of a mobile phone, there comes a point where resolution becomes completely irrelevant, since individual pixels are too small to distinguish — but they don’t do anything new or exciting in the same way that my pre-smartphone upgrades offered.

Each and every upgrade before the iPhone I had was genuinely thrilling, and something I wanted to show off to people. Each phone was unique from the last, and each brand offered its own particular twist on things. Now, the actual devices themselves are uninteresting and virtually indistinguishable from one another; simply a delivery medium for their operating system of choice. And operating systems aren’t interesting.

I think a big part of my growing cynicism and apathy for this particular side of technology also comes from the fact that the mobile marketplace in general just feels a bit sleazy. Ever since the world was given in-app purchases — something which I knew would be a terrible idea as soon as it was announced — we’ve been subjected to revolting, exploitative free-to-play garbage, ad-infested messes and all manner of other bullshit. Rather than being the cool, exciting gadgets they once were, mobile phones feel increasingly like just another way for advertisers to invade your life and snake oil salesmen to part you with your case — although what part of life isn’t this way these days?

All this is a rather long-winded way of saying that I’m in no hurry to upgrade my HTC One M8, and in fact, I’ve considered on more than one occasion actually “downgrading” to a feature phone rather than a smartphone. Maybe I should see how much N-Gages are going for on eBay…

1696: Side Effects

One of the side-effects of 1) having a job that doesn’t involve staring glassy-eyed at the Internet all day and 2) being in the middle of a self-enforced social media blackout (it’s going great, by the way) is that your priorities and even interests change.

Oh, don’t worry, I’m not about to stop boring you with tales of obscure video games any time soon, but what I have found is that I’m in no hurry to keep up with the latest news in gaming and related spheres such as technology.

This was really driven home to me today when someone asked what I thought of Apple’s new announcements.

Eh? I thought. I haven’t heard anything about those.

Apparently Apple announced a new iPhone and a smartwatch, whatever the fuck one of those is. And I was surprised to find how little of a shit I gave about either of them. My current phone is a functional workhorse at best, though without Facebook and Twitter demanding my attention every few minutes it stays in my pocket or drawer a lot more than it used to, and is largely being used for a bit of lunchtime Web browsing and playing music in the car. As such, I find it hard to get excited about the latest piece of shiny, pretty and overpriced tech that Apple is coming out with. My honeymoon period with “smartphones” is well and truly over: I’m not interested in playing games on them, I’m rapidly discovering the value of not having social media in your pocket, and for organisation, frankly I’d rather use a paper notebook and calendar. Get off my lawn.

It was the watch that particularly bewildered me, though. Before I left the games press, tech writers were just starting to get excited about “wearables”, and I couldn’t fathom why. I still can’t. It just sounds like an unnecessary step in the process of consuming digital content, and a way for the ever-present menace of notifications to be even more intrusive to your daily life than a constantly beeping phone already is. A little computer on your wrist is something straight out of sci-fi and a few years ago I’d have been all over it, but on reflection, now? That’s not what I want. Not at all.

I’m not writing about this to be one of those smug “well, I don’t care about those things you’re excited about” people — though I’m well aware it may well come across that way. Rather, I’m more surprised at myself; I always had myself pegged as a lifelong gadget junkie, and the trail of defunct-but-useful-at-the-time technology (Hi, Palm!) my life has left in its wake would seem to back that up.

But I guess at some stage there’s a saturation point. You see something, and see no way for it to possibly fit into your life; no reason to own one. I already felt this way about tablets — I barely use our iPad even today — and I certainly feel it about Apple’s new watch. Smartphones still have something of a place in my life — if nothing else, it’s useful and convenient to have things like maps and a means of people contacting you (or indeed contacting others) in your pocket — but their role is much diminished from what it was, and I’m in no hurry to upgrade to the latest and greatest.

It’s another case of, as we discussed the other day, solutions to problems you don’t have. All this technology is great, but it convinces us that our lives would be an absolute chaotic mess without it — when, in fact, it’s entirely possible that the opposite could be true. After all, the human race survived pretty well before we discovered the ability to photograph your dinner and post it on the Internet, didn’t we? While I’m not ready to completely let go of my smartphone — not yet? — I’m certainly nowhere near as reliant on technology as I once was, and I’m certainly not obsessively checking news feeds to find out the latest and greatest news about it.

And you know what? It’s pretty nice and peaceful. I could get used to this.

1372: The Good Old Days of the App Store

I’d been pondering this a little recently, but I actually confirmed it for myself today: the games on the App Store of today are not a patch on those that were on it when it first went live.

Oh sure, they’re technically more impressive, with all manner of lovely “console-quality” (whatever the fuck that means) graphics and download sizes that will easily fill up a lesser phone, but there’s really something missing from modern App Store games that was there in spades in early titles.

The title that really drove it home for me was a game called Tilt to Live. This was a score-attack action game that some described as “the iPhone’s Geometry Wars“. It’s not quite an accurate comparison, since Geometry Wars is a twin-stick shooter and Tilt to Live doesn’t involve any shooting whatsoever, but they share a couple of important similarities: they’re easy to understand and super-addictive.

Tilt to Live, lest you’ve never had the pleasure, sees you controlling a small arrowhead-shaped… thing as it attempts to fend off the unwanted attentions of its red dot rivals. In order to destroy red dots, you have to pick up powerups, each of which has a specific effect. Nukes explode at the spot where you picked them up, for example, taking anything caught in the circular Missile Command-style explosion with them, while lasers take a moment to charge before firing a broad beam in the direction you’re travelling. As you progress through the game, you unlock more and more different weapons which are then available from the outset in subsequent playthroughs; the more weapons you have, the easier it is to maintain a combo of dot-killing without stopping, and consequently attain higher scores.

Tilt to Live is so genius because it’s built for its platform. It uses nothing more than the iPhone’s built-in accelerometer, tuned to perfection, and all you have to do is tilt your device around like one of those old “Labyrinth” games. Nothing more than that. There are a couple of other modes, but in essence, all you’re doing in each of them is tilting to move your arrow and attempting to avoid red dots. Simple. Addictive. The perfect mobile game.

Tilt to Live was far from the only game from the App Store’s early years I have fond memories of, though. The early stuff from ngmoco was fantastic, for example — titles like Dr. Awesome (essentially tilt-controlled Qix), Dropship (Defender meets Thrust meets Geometry Wars) and Rolando were all top-notch games that were pretty much essential purchases in the early days of the App Store — everyone who had an iPhone downloaded them, and Apple even featured them in advertising for both the iPhone and iPod touch, the latter of which it looked for a while like Apple was attempting to position as a serious handheld gaming device.

So what happened? Why have I largely lost interest in what the App Store has to offer today? Well, this is probably a gross oversimplification of the matter, but essentially I believe things started to go downhill with the addition of in-app purchases to the App Store.

I remember being skeptical about the supposed benefits of in-app purchases when the upcoming new feature was first announced — it sounded awfully like what triple-A publishers were doing with downloadable content for console games, and that was something that a number of teams had proven could be done very, very wrong. Oddly, initially only paid apps could have in-app purchases, meaning that free apps were always just that — free, though sometimes ad-supported.

Nowadays, of course, the words “free” on an app more often than not mean that you can download the app in question for free, but are often then expected to cough up extra, particularly in the case of games. In-app purchases have gotten so out of control on iOS that it’s rarer not to see a game have a “Get More Gold” button allowing you to purchase in-game currency. And, of course, the moment you see that “Get More Gold” button, you have to start questioning whether the game has been deliberately made more grindy and inconvenient — experts call this “adding friction” or “fun pain” — in the name of squeezing a few extra pennies out of you.

Herein lies the issue, I think: modern App Store games are designed to be money-making machines that trick people into thinking they’re having fun, then encourage them to open their wallets to have even more fun. It’s all a ruse, of course; the “fun” is more often than not an illusion created through carefully-paced rewards and ego-massaging, and the “pain” is created by suddenly denying the player access to these rewards that they’ve come to accept. It’s good business design, but bad game design.

Compare and contrast with a game from the App Store’s earlier era such as Tilt to Live, or ngmoco’s early games. These are games designed for pure fun — and more to the point, they’re highly creative, interesting, distinctive games. Not one of them is a predictable “tap on everything, then wait until you get a push notification to tap on everything again in three hours” title; while some are inspired by classic retro games (or even more recent games such as Loco Roco in the case of Rolando), they each put their own twist on things, respecting the player’s time and wallet in the process — in other words, once you bought these games, they wouldn’t ask you for money again, except in some rare instances such as in Tilt to Live where the developers later added a whole new game mode and sold it rather than bundling it in as a free update.

One of the saddest sights in the App Store is, I think, the massive decline in quality that ngmoco’s titles have taken since those early days. Games like the aforementioned Dr. Awesome and Rolando were genuinely excellent games that helped to define the platform; now, however, all ngmoco does is churn out some of the most tedious, derivative, copycat titles in the entire industry, all in the name of exploiting the social gaming bubble. RIP ngmoco; I thought you were going to be the next big thing in creative indie games at one point, but it was not to be.

True creativity and distinctiveness in the App Store isn’t dead; but with well over a million apps and games on the App Store now, and the charts dominated by free-to-play titles that have effectively bought their rankings rather than earned them, it’s getting harder and harder to find them. How sad.

1333: Passé

Considering how exciting the iPhone was when it first launched, I’m surprised how unmoved I am by the prospect of the new ones. At present, my 4S is still working just fine, and for the first time in many years of phone upgrades, I’m feeling no particular desire to have the latest and greatest piece of technology in my pocket.

I think part of the reason is what I’ve already said: my 4S is working fine, still — though it remains to be seen whether iOS 7 will kill its performance — and thus I certainly don’t need a new phone. The other part is the fact that smartphone upgrades each year have become so incremental that it’s just not particularly exciting any more — the new iPhone looks much like the old iPhone, and will probably work much like the old iPhone, except perhaps a bit faster, depending on what it is you’re doing.

One reason to upgrade to the latest and greatest iPhone, iPad, whatever would be if you’re a big game player on these devices. And I’ve come to the conclusion recently that I’m just not.

This may surprise you, given the amount of waffling on about games that I do on this here blog, but it’s true: I haven’t played an iOS game for probably months now, and every time I look at the App Store, I have very little desire to even try a lot of the stuff that churns its way through the front page and into the abyss beyond, never to be seen again.

There’s the odd exception; I still have something of a soft spot for the various excellent iOS versions of board and card games, but in most cases I’d rather play the real thing. For the most part, though, iOS gaming carries little to no interest for me; it’s not for me any more. It is, instead, for children, or people who aren’t particularly “game-literate”, or people who don’t mind increasingly obtrusive business models. There’s relatively little with any “meat”, though; nothing you can get stuck into for hours at a time, and in fact an awful lot of games are specifically designed to stop you from playing after a short while by causing you to run out of “energy” or “fuel”, or for your car to require “repairing” — and, of course, you can instantly get back into the game if you’d just hand over your credit card details… No, thank you.

I’m probably painting a somewhat unfair picture of the iOS landscape there, since I know there’s a lot of talented developers working on the platform — some out of necessity, some out of choice — but I’m sort of over the idea of mobile gaming, for now at least. There are too many exciting things going on on other platforms — including dedicated gaming handhelds — for me to muster up any enthusiasm for a platform prone to making really, really stupid collective decisions when it comes to the way games should be made.

Perhaps I’ll revisit mobile gaming if it ever emerges from the free-to-play rut it’s currently stuck in, but I’m not holding my breath for that to happen any time soon.

#oneaday Day 851: Some iOS Games You Should Try

I know at least a few of my regular readers sport iOS devices, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to share a few titles I’ve downloaded and actually wanted to keep recently. Since my day job sees me downloading and reviewing a metric fuckton of iOS and Android games (all right… five) every week, I get exposed to a lot of great stuff… and a lot of crap, too, but we’ll leave that to one side for the moment.

Without further ado, then, here are a few iOS games that you may wish to check out if you have the chance.

Rebuild

Rebuild is a game about zombies. But wait! Don’t dismiss it just yet. While the whole “zombie” thing is incredibly played out now, a few games recently have provided a pleasingly different take on surviving the undead/infected hordes. One of these is Facebook game The Last Stand: Dead Zone, which is a surprisingly deep RTS/RPG that is worth taking a look at even if you typically hate Facebook games. But we won’t get into that now, as we’re talking about iOS games.

The other is Rebuild. As the name suggests, the game is about, well, rebuilding. Beginning with a custom character and a small cadre of survivors (all of whom can be renamed) it’s up to the player to recapture a town (which can also be renamed) from the groaning, brain-obsessed ones. This is achieved in a turn-based manner, with each turn representing a day.

Each day, you can assign survivors to locations that surround captured territory and give them a job to do according to where their skills lie. You might want them to scavenge for food on a farm, or search for survivors in an apartment building. Killing zombies clears the way for building specialists to capture territory, and once captured the survivors gain the benefit from whatever building the captured territory contained. Survivors can also be equipped with items (including dogs) in order to boost their stats and make them better at their jobs, and the zombies will occasionally attack the main hideout, meaning you’d better have left some people behind on defence duty.

Rebuild is a simple but deep turn-based strategy game that is in the remarkable position of being a zombie game that is actually both original and worth playing. It’s easy to understand but also easy to mess up, meaning it will take time to figure out and determine the perfect strategy. Each game is randomly generated and may take place on one of several different map sizes at several different difficulty levels, so there’s plenty of replay value here, too.

Grab it here.

Necronomicon

H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu mythos makes for great games, whether they’re of the board, card or video variety. Necronomicon is no exception.

Necronomicon is a solitaire card game that pits players against the deck. The game takes place on two rows of five spaces: the top five belong to the forces of darkness, while the bottom five belong to the ever-present “investigators” — humans from disparate walks of life who are thrown into conflict against the Old Ones.

The basic mechanic of Necronomicon is in battling these cards by placing them in adjacent spaces — forces of darkness at the top, plucky humans on the bottom. Each monster and investigator card has a Defense and a Sanity rating. If one card has both Defense and Sanity higher than the other, it defeats its opponent immediately, scoring points for the player if the investigator won, losing points if the monster won.

If one or both of the stats are tied, however, an element of luck comes into play. Both sides make an attack roll, with the highest roll defeating their opponent. These attack rolls may be modified by playing additional cards onto the investigators and monsters — these cards may also be placed on spaces before investigators or monsters show up, allowing you to set up battlegrounds that benefit the investigators and hamper the monsters. Thematically, these extra cards represent weapons, allies, magic spells, potions, curses and all manner of other goodness.

The game’s end is determined by an evil portal thing in the corner of the screen. If the monster row is full and the player draws a monster card, the portal takes damage. If it takes three points of damage, the game ends in a loss for the player. However, if the investigators row is full and the player draws another investigator, the portal heals a point of damage. If the portal is undamaged and gets healed, it is sealed and the player wins.

Necronomicon is quite difficult to describe and even the in-game instructions don’t do a terribly clear job of explaining how to play. But after a couple of games, it becomes quick and simple to play, and a great little solitaire card game that doesn’t take long to get through a session of.

Grab it here.

DOOORS/100 Floors

I’m lumping these together because although they’re developed by completely different people/teams, they’re almost identical in concept.

The two games are “room escape” games, an offshoot of the adventure game genre that has no plot and simply requires that the player find their way out of a series of rooms via increasingly-esoteric means. Both games make full use of the iPhone’s multitouch screen and accelerometer, and both give you absolutely no help whatsoever, which will ensure you get infuriated as you poke, prod and pinch at the screen, tilt the phone side to side and shake it just to see if anything happens.

While sometimes the solutions are irritatingly obtuse, successfully figuring out the correct way to achieve something is immensely satisfying.

To say much more about these games would be to spoil the infuriating puzzle-solving therein, so I shall leave it at that.

Grab DOOORS here, and 100 Floors here.

#oneaday Day 819: I’m a PC, and I’m a Mac…

…and I’m also a PS3, a Wii, a 360, an iOS and an Android. I’m pretty frickin’ multicultural when it comes to operating systems and platforms, in short. Always have been.

The whole “platform wars” thing always bothers me. It’s usually started by the media and then perpetuated by fanboys who get angrier and angrier and spew more and more meaningless vitriol at one another until everyone leaves feeling rather embarrassed about the whole thing.

This isn’t a phenomenon limited to children and teenagers, either. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen grown men and women posting ridiculous comments about how much they “hate” Apple/Microsoft/Google/Sony/Nintendo/that guy Barry from the chip shop (to be fair, he is a bit of a wanker) and getting increasingly riled up when people try to talk sense into them. Or when people deliberately bait them. Or when people take their comments a little too personally and start yelling back. Or… you get the idea.

It’s been going on as long as there have been rival, roughly equivalent platforms doing similar things. We see it with every generation of computers, consoles, handhelds, smartphones, tablets, operating systems… it goes on and on. And, as I say, it’s usually started by the media, though in most cases it’s a bit of a “light the fuse and watch” sort of scenario, whereby they’ll sow the seeds of conflict and then just let consumers batter each other into submission with increasingly-dumb arguments.

I’ve never subscribed to this particular attitude. I don’t see the point. Every platform has its pros and cons. Some are likely to be more successful than others. Some will flop, hard. But they all have their place, and if you enjoy using them or find them useful, then that’s a win. If you have no use for them or don’t find them interesting, cool or exciting, then that’s no loss to you. There’s certainly no reason to judge people who do like them, though.

Let’s take the Android/iOS distinction. These two groups are regularly at each others’ throats, with Android users often hijacking iOS app Facebook pages with comments that just say “Android.” repeatedly under the mistaken assumption that this will make the developer of said app want to support them, and iOS users honking on about incompatibility, how much better their devices are and how cool they look. The vocal proportion of both groups are insufferable arseholes, and I really wish they would shut up.

I entered the Android brigade today with the arrival of my new Motorola Xoom tablet. I got it for several reasons — work, curiosity and the emulation scene. What I found was that I gained an immediate appreciation of what Android did, but did not suddenly find myself hating iOS, Apple and everything they stood for. Instead, from a rational, relatively neutral (well, I have been exclusively iOS for mobile for a number of years now!) point of view, I could see that both of these operating systems had distinctive purposes, and could appreciate both of them.

iOS is simple, easy, consistent and clear. You know what you’re getting with an iOS device. When you run an iOS app (games aside) you generally know what the interface is going to look like, and you can usually figure out how it’s going to work. This is true to such a degree that when apps make minor changes to what is seen as the “standard” way that things work, it’s very uncomfortable. A good example is the Spotify iPhone app, which has the “go back” and “now playing” buttons the opposite way around to how the iPhone’s native music player has — it’s a little confusing and irritating. Not enough to warrant INTERNET RAGE, obviously, but it highlights the fact that most iOS apps are a little more consistent with their interface design.

The “walled garden” aspect of iOS has its place, too. For those who are new to smartphones, tablets and technology in general, the fact that everything scary is walled off means that people can experiment and gain confidence with the device without breaking anything. Apple as a company has been increasingly moving towards the more “casual”, “consumer” market over the last few years — various changes to OSX indicate this, too — and the easier and more consistent things are for users, the better so far as they’re concerned. All this has the side-effect of irritating self-confessed “power users”, however.

But then there’s Android, which would be ideal for said “power users” if they weren’t so stubborn. Annoyed at lack of customisation? You can do that on Android. Wish you could transfer files to the device simply by connecting it to a USB port, not by farting around with app-specific transfer programs? Sure, go ahead. Want to use non Apple-branded accessories, including USB gizmos? Knock yourself out!

The side-effect of all this, of course, is that it provides more things to go wrong. It’s still pretty difficult to break an Android device from what I can tell — at least if you haven’t “rooted” it, a process which I still don’t really understand — but there are more variables in play. You can install apps from places other than one single “official” App Store. There’s a greater risk of malware — something which is practically nonexistent for non-jailbroken iOS devices. The interface(s) for Android apps is (are) maddeningly inconsistent at times. And although the iOS App Store carries a lot of absolute garbage, there’s even more on Android.

Both have their place, in short, and both have their own flaws — just as Windows and OSX have their place; PS3, 360 and Wii have their place; and if you really want to keep on using that Palm Tungsten you’ve had kicking around for years now, be my guest.

In short — and I’m aware I’ve said this before to little effect on the Internet at large, but it’s nice to at least try — people should pretty much just shut the fuck up and enjoy what they’ve got while ignoring what they haven’t got. We’d have a much nicer world without all this envy and jealousy floating around — since, after all, that’s pretty much what most fanboy arguments tend to boil down to — so why do we still do it?

I guess it’s fun to be contrary. Well, you can count me out. So far as tech goes, I’m multicultural and proud.

#oneaday Day 699: Apples to Apples

Inspired by my good buddy AJ’s recent post on this very subject, I thought I, too, would share why I’m so loyal to my Apple devices, particularly in the smartphone sphere.

In simple terms, it comes down to “it got to me first, so I’ve stuck with it.” It’s as straightforward as that. The first bona fide “smartphone” I ever had was my original iPhone, and since acquiring that I’ve been through a 3G, a 4 and now a 4S. I have no desire whatsoever to switch to Android because my iOS devices have done everything I needed them to. And it’s not as if I’m a “casual” user — I know my stuff about tech, and my iPhone is in almost constant use nearly every day. And yet in all that time, I have never once banged my head against the supposed restrictiveness of the platform which supporters of Android do so love to point out.

Now, this isn’t an anti-Android rant. I’m very aware that Android works as a platform for those who have chosen to be loyal to it. But I have never used an Android phone. Perhaps I’d like it if I did. Perhaps I’d change my opinion on iOS if I did. But the thing is, I don’t feel like I need to. Because to me, personally, Android sounds like a giant pain in the arse. Homescreen widgets? Battery life management? Flashing ROMs? Rooting? No thanks. For me, all I need is a phone which neatly displays my apps on my homescreen, allows me to access my personal data, email, the Web, Twitter, Facebook, G+, WordPress and all that gubbins, and occasionally play games. I’m not sure what benefit I’d get from the openness that Android offers. Customisability? Perhaps — but again, not something I feel is necessary for the way I use the phone. A fancy homescreen is all very well, but the neat and ordered rows that iOS’ Springboard offers mean that I can always quickly find what I’m looking for. My time isn’t so precious that I need to see the weather at all times on the home screen — I’m quite happy to open up the Weather app.

You see, perhaps partly as a result of my upbringing, constantly surrounded by computers and technology, I’ve grown to take the attitude that as a user, I’m the one that can adapt to new platforms and new combinations of features. If something comes along and has a new feature, I learn how to use it. If something else comes along and has a different feature set, including some absences from the first device, I adapt, and find alternative ways to do things — or, in some cases, consider whether I really needed that functionality in the first place. For just one example: MIDI ringtones on old Nokias? Fun for a little while, until I realised that any time I was in public I would typically mute the phone anyway, making them largely redundant. I haven’t missed them since entering the iPhone age. Likewise, when the iPhone drew criticism for not offering copy and paste functionality, I couldn’t see what the fuss was about. Past phones that I had used featured limited copy and paste capabilities, but I rarely, if ever, used it. As such, it was another feature I didn’t miss on the iPhone. Now it’s there, I do occasionally use it, but I could certainly live without it if necessary.

This isn’t making excuses for Apple — it’s explaining the way I think. For some people, features the iPhone doesn’t have are deal-breakers. And that’s fine — Android’s out there to give you what you’re looking for, as is BlackBerry and any number of feature phones. But for me? I’m comfortable with iOS, and happy to stay where I am. It does what I need, it adds new features at a regular enough rate to keep things interesting and exciting, and I’m never short of something new to experiment with thanks to the popularity of the App Store.

#oneaday Day 635: Version 5.0

I’ve been playing with my shiny new iPhone 4S for a day and a bit now and I have to say it’s rather nice. While fundamentally pretty similar to the 4, as you might expect, the speed boost is nice and having a Home button that works made the whole upgrade process worthwhile, too — let’s hope that whatever “known issue” plagued iPhone 4 Home buttons is a thing of the past with the new model ones, because having to take 4 or 5 attempts to pop up the multitasking bar was rather annoying.

iOS 5 is the star of the show and, unlike when iOS 4 hit the iPhone 3G, older phones can benefit from most of the features. (For the unfamiliar, iOS 4 not only brought the 3G to a near-standstill, it for some reason couldn’t handle functionality as basic as Home screen wallpaper — and certainly no multitasking.) I spent a couple of days with my 4 running iOS 5 and didn’t have any issues — not heard from anyone who installed it on a 3GS, however.

The best change is to notifications. No longer do we suffer session-interrupting popups that monopolise the entire system. Instead, we have discreet banners at the top of the screen, or multiple messages with app icons on the Lock screen. Not only that, we have a pleasant pull down place to see all our recent notifications and jump straight to the app that sent them. Big improvement, particularly as this also integrates with the new Reminders app, displaying all your most important Reminders first. You can also turn off the OCD-nightmare badge counts — even for incoming emails — and set anything you like (that notifies you, obviously) to pop up with a banner. You can switch back to the obtrusive messages if you want, but if you do you’re a big silly.

Then comes all the voice recognition business. For starters, most apps that include the default soft keyboard now have a microphone button for dictation. Accuracy is generally pretty good, and it knows contextually which homophones you might be using, though if you talk a little too quickly or don’t say your words with perfect diction it occasionally struggles. (For the record, it dictated me saying “penis penis penis penis penis penis penis” at it perfectly earlier, but failed on a similar test using the word “buttocks”.)

With the voice recognition, of course, comes Siri, your personal assistant. While a lot of attention has been given to the numerous Easter eggs built into Siri’s responses — proving that Apple does have a sense of humour after all — the practical uses of the system are more impressive. “Remind me about my gym induction tomorrow at 11am,” I said. Siri responded by setting up a reminder at the correct time. “Set an alarm for tomorrow morning at 10.30 with the label ‘gym induction’,” I added. Siri complied, even adding the requested label and activating the alarm. Okay, belching at Siri twice did inadvertently dial my friend Holly’s phone number, but I wasn’t expecting a “pardon you”. That really would be impressive.

In terms of software, the speed increase of the new tech is very much noticeable in games — particularly those which even caused the 4 to struggle. Final Fantasy Tactics and Dungeon Defenders both run beautifully on the 4S, making me think that this phone, if any, is going to be the one to make big developer think “hmmm… yes.” We’ve already seen a couple of iPad 2/iPhone 4S exclusive titles appear — Machinarium only runs on iPad, for example, while Rockstar’s reissue of Grand Theft Auto III later this year will only run on 4S or iPad 2. We’re also seeing titles like Real Racing 2 offering enhanced graphics for the newer hardware, coupled with the AirPlay feature which effectively turns an Apple TV and iPad/4S combo into a Wii U, albeit one with no buttons.

So if you’re on the fence about the 4S and thinking “hmm, I’ll wait for the 5” first of all, stop it, the thing just came out — and secondly, don’t hesitate. The most accessible smartphone on the market just got a whole lot better. Sure, Android can do more — but iOS does it with grace, no need for rooting and you know that, as I said yesterday, any new features Apple have implemented are in there because they think — and are usually right about these things, given past performance — that the time is right for them to become “mainstream”.

In other words, you may feel like a dick talking to your phone now, but when everyone realises that we’re actually a step closer to Star Trek, shit’s gonna get real, yo.

Siri, publish this post. No, publish. What are you doing? No, don’t phone them! Damn you!

#oneaday Day 557: Play Some Music

I’ve been playing Groove Coaster on my iPhone. If you haven’t already downloaded it, stop reading this right now and go and download it while it’s still 99 cents/69p.

So now you’ve played it. So you understand.

Groove Coaster is pleasing for a number of reasons, not least of which is the fact that it’s a gorgeous-looking, solidly-playing game with plenty of content for the miniscule amount of money you pay for it. The Infinity Gene-style visuals complement the gameplay well, being attractive without distracting, and they look beautifully pin-sharp on the Retina display of the iPhone 4.

That’s not the best thing about Groove Coaster, though. No; the best thing about it by far is how it calls to mind the days when music games were home to a huge amount of creativity. We had virtual turntables (BeatMania), a rapping dog (Parappa the Rapper), a guitar-toting sheep that really didn’t look like a sheep (UmJammer Lammy), a rabbit that liked prancing around on wiggly lines (Vib Ribbon) and weird things that liked racing down tunnels (Frequency/Amplitude).

These days, though, what do we have? Guitar Hero and Rock Band, and it’s questionable whether or not we really have Guitar Hero still. Okay, we have DJ Hero too, but for the most part, it’s all about the plastic instruments.

Groove Coaster casts the mind back to a time before Guitar Hero, when music games were about the music, not about the things you had in your hands while you were playing (not your penis, you filthy pervert. You know your mind was going there.) No; Groove Coaster is about losing yourself in an enormously diverse array of clearly Japanese music tracks and letting your finger do all the work. Success is down to how well you engage with the music, and how well you can equate the on-screen figures (which twist and turn rather than following the linear path of Guitar Hero and Rock Band) with the way the music is going. You can’t play it passively — it’s a game you need to concentrate on. It’s not about “party play” — no bad thing in itself, I might add — but it’s about getting inside the music and “feeling” it in a way I haven’t experienced since Frequency and Amplitude.

The other great thing is the characteristically Japanese music makes me think of Namco’s PS1 games — Ridge Racer Type 4 and Anna Kournikova’s Smash Court Tennis specifically. These games had fantastic non-licensed music that was obviously Japanese but had enough Western-style “funk” about it to appeal to a universal audience. There are several tracks in Groove Coaster that would certainly not have been out of place in a Namco title from the late 90s. This, as they say, is a Good Thing.

I don’t even mind the fact that the game gratuitously sells “boost” items and extra tracks for actual money, because 1) I paid so little for the game in the first place, 2) there’s plenty of content in there without buying anything extra and 3) the “boost” items don’t necessarily give you a massive advantage, they’re just a bit more convenient.

So, then, if you ignored my first paragraph and still haven’t downloaded Groove Coaster I say again: go get it now. (If you want to. Please don’t hit me. What are you doing with that shov–)

#oneaday Day 521: It’s Your Turn Now

I’ve discovered the most terrifying thing in the universe: the man who very politely, but incredibly loudly, tells you “It’s your turn now!” on the iPhone version of Carcassonne. It’s terrifying because hearing someone’s voice when you’re not expecting to — such as, say, when you’re trying to get to sleep — is a frightening thing. Quite why a murderer or rapist would say “It’s your turn now!” is… no, hang on, that sort of works, doesn’t it? Shit.

But anyway. The terrifyingness of Carcassonne is not what I wanted to talk about — at least not directly, anyway. I wanted to take a moment to talk about asynchronous games, how awesome they are and where they can go from here.

The iPhone (and, presumably, Android) is home to a wide range of excellent asynchronous-play games, allowing people to play at their own pace at a time to suit them. The upside to this is that people even in wildly disparate time zones can play games against each other. The downside is that it’s easy to forget what games you’re playing, particularly if your push notifications decide not to work properly.

But that downside isn’t sufficient to dampen the awesomeness that is the ability to play Carcassonne with someone across the other side of the world. The “…with Friends” series (Chess, Words and Hanging) are all excellent examples of How To Do It Correctly, too, providing a simple, intuitive interface to games that most people know how to play. The quirky and entertaining Disc Drivin’, too, offers a fun experience, even if whoever goes first has a clear advantage over everyone else. (That’s my excuse, anyway.)

Certain social games are taking steps to incorporate asynchronous features, too. Dragon Age Legends, for example, allows players to recruit their friends’ characters — complete with equipment and abilities — into their party for combat. This allows people to play with their friends without their friends actually being there — defeating the object of a multiplayer game, you might think, but actually making the best of the fact that it’s pretty rare for you and all your friends to be online at the same time.

Consider this taken to the next level, though. Why haven’t we seen an asynchronous MMORPG yet, where players can party up with AI-controlled characters based on their friends’ equipment and ability lists? It works in Dragon Age Legends, though admittedly that’s a very simple turn-based game. But most MMORPGs have AI built in for enemy and ally characters anyway, so why shouldn’t there be a way for players to “play” even when they’re not actively logged in to the game? I think that’d be kind of cool, actually — and it would certainly get around my biggest bugbear with MMORPGs, which is the fact that a good 90% of my friends live in a completely different and mostly incompatible timezone to me.

On a related note, then, if you live in Europe and want to play Champions Online, Spiral Knights or anything else you’d care to suggest (preferably of the free to play variety) do please get in touch!