2351: One Year Anniversary

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My wife Andie and I have been married for one year today. Good going, us.

For those of you who were unable to attend our wedding last year, I thought now might be a good time to share the speech I made at said reception, as it’s still relevant now. (Apart from all the bits that refer to “today”, which you can take to mean “June 27, 2015” instead.)

Hello everyone, thanks for coming. It’s great to see so many of you together here in one place — in some cases, we haven’t seen each other for quite some time. I think there’s a relevant Lord of the Rings quote here, but my best man Tim is more suitably equipped to be able to make that reference, so I’ll leave that to him.

I wanted to start today with something that is probably the height of impropriety, and that’s to acknowledge that this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I think most of you here already know that, but it’s important to acknowledge it, I feel — not only to dispel any awkwardness that might result from that knowledge, but also because it’s relevant to why I’m standing here today.

First time around, you see, things were a whirlwind. And in all the excitement, I failed to realise some very important things: that while it absolutely is possible to make a partnership work if the two of you have disparate interests, if either or both of you find it difficult or impossible to meet the other halfway and at least respect the things that they’re into even if you don’t share those interests, things will go south pretty quickly.

Now, I don’t want to dwell on that too much, because that’s not the reason we’re here today. Suffice to say, however, that awkward situation is a thing of the past — and while my new wife and I certainly have our own interests that we’re happy to pursue independently of one another (I like Japanese video games with saucy artwork, she likes painting intricate designs on her fingernails) we also share some very important things that have become a big part of our life.

Those of you who know your video games will recognise a lot of today’s festivities as involving Final Fantasy — particularly Final Fantasy XIV, an online multiplayer installment of the long-running series that I’ve been playing since 2013, and which Andie later joined me in, much to my surprise and delight. Through that game, we’ve forged some very close friendships — as close as the friendships we have with many of you sitting here — and as such, I thought it was eminently appropriate for my proposal to Andie to be delivered as part of our in-game characters’ wedding ceremony back in January. Unusually, this means that there’s an actual video of how I proposed thanks to our guildmate recording the whole experience if you ever want to go and watch it and make me blush a bit. (It’s not hard.) [Editor’s note: I genuinely don’t know what the link is to this or if it’s still online. But it may still be out there somewhere.]

Now, unfortunately, as our guildmates are scattered across the world, most of them couldn’t join us here today, but we know that they’re here in spirit — and I did want to particularly show my gratitude to Chris, aka Reimi, healer extraordinaire, for sharing today with us. The rest of our fellow adventurers are eagerly awaiting photos and videos of our big day, so please do share any media you create today!

But back to Andie and me. I feel that our shared love of Final Fantasy XIV is actually rather symbolic of the journey we’ve taken together in many ways. We both play the game to a high level, taking on some of its toughest challenges together with our friends. Together, we’ve toppled the mighty dragon Twintania, fended off meteors and ancient pillars dropping on our heads long enough to dispatch Nael deus Darnus, and even vanquished the very angry — justifiably so — Elder Primal Bahamut himself.

And we’ve overcome our own challenges in reality, too. I shan’t go into details for now, because it really isn’t the time — suffice to say, though, both of us have dealt with our share of real life raid bosses: challenges that seem insurmountable and want nothing more than our complete annihilation, but challenges that we could overcome by working together, supporting one another and simply being there for each other. I’ll forever be grateful to my new wife for standing by me through some difficult times — and I hope she feels the same way too.

Sappy bit over. I believe it falls to me to deliver some “thank yous”, because a lot of hard work has gone on behind the scenes to make today happen.

Thanks to Andie, first of all, for doing the lion’s share of the organisation, because I’m a man and therefore useless at sorting this sort of thing out.

Thanks to our parents: Agnes, Val and John, for working together to help today be truly special.

Thanks to Rob for his generous loan of the PA system which we’re pumping music through over the course of the afternoon and evening.

Thanks to my best man Tim for his support in the weeks leading up to the wedding, and for being one of my most trusted friends who doesn’t spend most of his time pretending to be a catgirl on the Internet.

Thanks to everyone else who has contributed their time, money and effort towards today; I’m almost certain there are people I’ve forgotten or don’t know by name well enough to acknowledge you individually, but believe me, your labours are very much appreciated.

And thank you all for being here today. It means a great deal that you can share this special day with us.

Finally, Googling “who does the groom toast” reminded me that I’m supposed to toast the bridesmaids at the end of my speech. Before I do that, I’ll also thank them for their contributions today — and for both being an important part of Andie’s life. So please, if you would, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to the bridesmaids.

A toast to Andie, too, for putting up with me while dealing with all the things she has to deal with, too. She’s stronger, more capable and more wonderful than she’d ever care to admit (and me attempting to say this to her face normally results in her wriggling off uncomfortably somewhere, so I’m saying it here instead) and I love her to bits.

Here’s to many more years ahead of us. And I say that with confidence.

2350: Back to It

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It’s back to the jobhunting grindstone tomorrow. My wife Andie has found herself a new job and is starting tomorrow, which finally brings this difficult period of both of us being out of work simultaneously to a close, so now I just have to secure myself a position of some description.

Thankfully, there are a few possibilities on the horizon, for once. I sent out a huge number of applications over the last few weeks, taking a chance on positions that I might not have done before, but which I had the appropriate skills to be able to do with a bit of training. While I still wouldn’t describe myself as feeling particularly ambitious, I want to do something a little bit more lucrative than retail work; while I enjoy retail work for the most part, the pay is pretty shit, and certainly not proportionate to what you have to put up with on a daily basis.

While I’ve had a few rejections already, the fact I’ve sent out so many applications means that I don’t feel quite so bad about these as I have done in the past, because — this sounds bad, but you’ll know what I mean — I’m not especially invested in having that specific job. It’s not the perfect wonder-job; it’s just something I’ll be able to do that will pay a decent amount of money and give me the opportunity to progress if I want to — and, importantly, time to myself when I’m not there. A job that I can leave behind at the end of the day and the week and just get on with enjoying life; no taking my work home, like there was in teaching.

I got a voicemail message on Friday offering me an interview for one of these positions I’ve applied to. It’s not ideal due to where it’s located — I’d rather keep commuting time and distance to a minimum — but it’s something, at least. I also wasn’t able to get in touch with the contact who left the message for me because by the time I received it after taking care of some other business, they weren’t answering their phone, since they left me the message at the very end of the working day. Tomorrow’s job, then, is trying to get hold of this person and hopefully sorting myself an interview out for later this week. And then, if that happens, getting the haircut I’ve been putting off for the last six months as usual.

In the meantime, I’m hanging in there, just about. I’m continuing to update MoeGamer in my spare time — expect a gushing writeup on VA-11 Hall-A this week — and I’m also casually studying the material for the IT qualification known as the CompTIA A+, which if I can attain will make me eminently more attractive to employers in the IT field, what with it proving that I actually know my stuff about computers rather than me having to convince them using nothing more than a CV and a cover letter. I’m attempting to use my time productively when I’m not lapsing into depression, in other words, and on those occasions where I do lapse into depression, at least I have plenty of things I can enjoy to take my mind off said negativity.

Everything is going to be all right. Probably.

2344: Life without Social

Well, it’s been a few days since I stepped away from Twitter, Facebook and social media in general (that includes my very, very occasional visits to Reddit) and I’m actually feeling pretty good about it. I’m not feeling especially isolated, since I 1) have other outlets through which I can talk about the things I want to talk about, and 2) have other means of talking to the people I actually want to talk to.

One experiment that I’m pleased with the progress of so far is my new Pile of Shame website. Here I’m using WordPress’ P2 theme to basically fulfil one of the things I did still enjoy using Twitter for: sharing my thoughts and reactions on games that I’m playing, perhaps in the hope of convincing other people to check out said games after having seen a screenshot that piqued their interest or a description they found intriguing.

I guess what I’m essentially doing is microblogging a “Let’s Play” of the games I’m playing, though I still far, far prefer the written/blog format for such things, even though video or streaming is probably a much more practical solution for doing it. When I think about what I’d be interested in seeing, though, should I ever find myself wanting to see what someone else’s thoughts on a game are, video is very low down the list, particularly when it comes to looking at things on mobile. I’d much rather read something — even if it’s bite-sized nuggets at irregular intervals — than watch a video and suffer through some idiot YouTuber’s attempts to be a comedy god. (This is unfair, of course; I know plenty of people who make YouTube videos and stream who aren’t immensely irritating, but sadly the ones who tend to get really popular are the ones who are immensely irritating. It’s just like TV or other forms of popular media in that regard, I guess.)

But anyway. Check out the Pile of Shame site if you’re interested in following what I’ve been playing — currently Ys Seven and VA-11 HALL-A — and feel free to leave comments.

Speaking more broadly, I’m not missing social media because it means no opportunity for me to get annoyed at all the things that are annoying on social media. These things differ from platform to platform: on Facebook it’s the sheer amount of links I don’t want to read that are shared by people I don’t want to talk to — along with people thinking that they’re suddenly God’s gift to politics/economics/racism — while on Twitter it’s the seemingly daily occurrence of one group or another getting upset, offended and/or angry about something or other. I don’t care about any of it any more. I just want to exist in my own world, surrounded by people I actually care about and enjoy the things I enjoy without people crying about, by turns, censorship, misogyny, sexism, racism, People of Colour, Nintendo, Activision, EA, Japanese games, Western games, Gamergate, Call of Duty and whatever else has got people’s respective goats this week.

The other positive feeling I have when not checking Twitter and/or Facebook every five minutes is the time and inclination to check out other sites on the Web. As any social addict will tell you, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of feeling like Twitter and Facebook (and perhaps Reddit and its ilk) are the only sites on the Internet. Cut them out of your life, and there’s a rich vein of interesting stuff you suddenly have time to explore; most notably, recently, I’ve finally been exploring the wonderful Hardcore Gaming 101, an admirably comprehensive site that covers hundreds of games in a delightful level of detail, including games from my youth that I don’t think I’ve seen written about anywhere else on the Internet. Just last night I was reading a detailed rundown of the Dunjonquest series, for example, which I knew during the Atari 8-bit era through the games Gateway to Apshai and Temple of Apshai Trilogy. Tonight I’m reading about all the Asterix games that have been released over the years, and the site has also made for some interesting reading as I have been going through the Ys series for the first time.

There’s a pleasantly wide world out there, and ditching the various virtual rooms full of people screaming at you for one reason or another makes it all the easier to see it. I’m very much enjoying the quiet.

(Note: My Twitter account is still live, sharing articles from both here and the Pile of Shame site, but it is not monitored. Please don’t try and send me messages on Twitter because I won’t see them! Instead, see this post for other ways to get hold of me. Or just leave a comment here.)

2343: No Sleep

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I like sleeping. It is pleasant. Sometimes I like it a bit too much and do it for too long.

I also find sleeping one of the most frustrating things in the world, particularly as it’s something you have to do.

Why do I find something so pleasant and relaxing so frustrating, though? Well, it’s because I don’t really know how to do it.

I’m serious! To be honest, I doubt anyone really knows how they fall asleep; it’s a biological function so it just sort of happens. And yet, paradoxically, it’s the awareness that I don’t know how to make myself actually fall asleep that often keeps me awake at night.

The main trouble I have is anxiety-related. When I’m in a situation where there are no other sources of stimulation (sound, light, pictures, conversation) my brain doesn’t think “ooh, nice, a bit of quiet, let’s shut down for a bit rather than processing all this multi-sensory information”. No; instead, my brain — and indeed, I imagine, the brain of anyone who suffers with anxiety — decides that yes, now would be a really good time to think about each and every one of the things that have upset you, made you sad, made you angry, frustrated you or that are worrying you.

Sometimes these thoughts come one at a time, one leading into another through a twisted chain of logic that doesn’t make any sort of rational sense — but then anxiety is irrational for the most part, anyway.

Sometimes they come all at once and collapse in a big heap, worries and anxieties from disparate sources all intermingling into one horrible mess that quickens the breathing, sets the pulse to racing and makes the body feel for all intents and purposes that now might be a good time to run away.

From what, though? Sadly, you can’t outrun your own brain, so quite where the physiological reaction comes from I can’t be sure, but it’s certainly unpleasant. More to the point, this then feeds into the growing anxiety I have that I want to get to sleep and shut all these unwelcome thoughts out, but I can’t. And then the cycle begins anew until I either finally fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion or decide to get up and do something until I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, as happened last night, when for reasons beyond my ken I was unable to get even close to sleep before 6am, which is not particularly conducive to a productive and/or healthy lifestyle.

I have certain thoughts that I always come back to when I’m feeling anxious, and I can’t avoid them. These tend to be experiences that I found traumatic or unpleasant. Objectively speaking, they weren’t necessarily actually traumatic in the sense of, say, injury or bereavement, but they’re experiences that I had to go through that I didn’t want to go through.

By far the most common is a twisted memory of the day I got forced out of my (admittedly horrible and shit, albeit quite well-paid) job at energy company SSE last February. I had endured a considerable period of workplace bullying from my immediate team leader and overall line manager, and they eventually managed to shove me out of the door after a complete mockery of a meeting in which I was invited to plead my case futilely while no-one paid any attention whatsoever. The meeting concluded with me shouting “Fuck you!” in the face of the line manager who had given me the most grief, followed by me storming out, more angry than I think I’ve ever been in my life.

The memory is twisted, though; when I flash back to it in the depths of anxiety-induced insomnia, that’s not what happens. I don’t stop with releasing the tension by shouting. Sometimes I throw the phone on the table at someone. Sometimes I fling my chair across the room. Sometimes I pick up the table and throw it at the people sitting across from me with stern yet smug expressions on their faces. Sometimes I slam the door so hard when I leave the cramped meeting room that it falls off its hinges. And sometimes I deliberately vandalise the rest of the offices on the way out in an attempt to somehow release the rage that has been boiling inside me; to give it physical form; to get it out of me.

I can’t quite tell if these thoughts are things I wish I’d done on that horrible day or things that I worry I might have done if I’d taken the safeties off a bit more. I suppose it doesn’t really matter either way; you can’t go back and do things differently, however much you might like to, so the brain takes solace in fantasy. In its own way, the traumatic images are cathartic, but at the same time they induce such a state of heightened tension and anxiety in my whole body that, if I allow my thought process to get into that meeting room at all, I know that I’m not going to be able to calm down for a good few hours unless I have something — anything — to quickly and immediately distract me from it. In other words, if I allow my anxious thoughts to run away with me and end up, as they inevitably do if I leave them unchecked, in that horrible situation, I know I’m not going to be getting any sleep.

Because even if I successfully banish the most unpleasant of the thoughts, my brain is still keenly aware that I don’t know how to shut it down properly. Oh for an “off” switch.

2341: Taking a Break from Social Media; Here’s Where to Find Me

I’ve reached this situation before, as longtime readers will doubtless remember, but I think I’ve lost patience with public social media (specifically Twitter and Facebook), and as such I think for the benefit of my mental health and overall enjoyment of life, I’m going to step away. I’ll talk more about the reasons in a moment for those of you who are interested, but before I do that I’d like to share the important stuff: how you can get in touch with me if you so desire.

Email: pjedavison at gmail dot com, or you can use the Contact page on this site, which comes through to the same address.

Google Chat: My only real form of private IM; same email address as above. I have a few other IM services but don’t use them much, so please don’t try and chat to me on Skype because I probably won’t know you’re trying to reach me!

Discord: You can drop in on my server at https://discord.gg/0PVr1hioSgchWQAs and/or add me as a friend under ID Amarysse#2465.

Pete’s Pile of Shame: I’m going to post some “live” thoughts and media relating to the games I’m playing over at this new site. Feel free to leave comments.

Note that I will be leaving my various Twitter accounts open, but not monitoring them. They will simply reshare my articles and posts from my sites. Likewise for Facebook. Please do not try to contact me using either Twitter or Facebook, because I won’t reply or even see your message!

If you want to play games with me, here are my various game IDs you might want:

PSN: Angry_Jedi
Xbox Live: sonicfunkstars
Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/angryjedi
Battle.net: AngryJedi#2260
Final Fantasy XIV: Amarysse Jerhynsson, Ultros server (VinCo Free Company)

Okay. Onto the reasoning for me stepping away, if you care.

To put it bluntly, I’m tired of negativity, because that’s what social media seems to have become a magnet for. If people aren’t sharing the latest in Awful News from Around the World, they’re trying their damnedest to be contrary at every opportunity. No-one agrees with anything any more; everyone seems to perpetually feel the need to “correct” everyone else or have a differing viewpoint.

It’s the problem with everyone being able to express their opinions, in other words: everyone feels the need to have their own opinion, and heaven forbid it be the same as someone else’s. Arguments erupt over the most stupid things, and people snark about things that don’t matter with sufficient aggressiveness and determination to make considering talking about almost anything an unpleasant prospect. As someone who already feels a great amount of social anxiety during in-person interactions, to start feeling this way about online interactions, too — a manner of interacting which I had previously found much more comfortable and pleasant, but which I am starting to recoil away from — this is not the way I want to be feeling.

I’ll give you a simple example from today: earlier, I learned that Microsoft sells hilariously awful-looking soft porn movies on its marketplace — a storefront which is accessible on its Xbox One console — and yet we still can’t have Adults Only-rated games on consoles due to outdated concerns about Wal*Mart and Gamestop not stocking their shelves with anything controversial. I made a glib observation to this effect, and rather than a simple response of “Oh, interesting” or “huh, that is weird”, the first response I got felt the need to correct me on my use of the word “porn”. Apparently “topless” is not the same as “porn”.

This interaction in itself wasn’t anything unusual or particularly hurtful, but it was the proverbial straw that… you know. It exemplified everything that’s come to frustrate me about social media in the last few years; coupled with the fact that no-one ever seems to be happy about anything any more — between people whining about misogyny, sexism, racism, homophobia, censorship, Donald Trump, black people, white people, Asian people, Nazis, neo-Nazis, Germans, Belgians, gamers, games journalists, Anita Sarkeesian, feminists, men’s rights activists, Facebook, Twitter, Simon Cowell, Nigel Farage, gun enthusiasts, people who drink Mountain Dew, people who do fanart “wrong” and any number of other things, it’s no wonder I’m feeling particularly miserable and negative about life in general, really, is it?

So the most sensible thing to do from a mental health perspective when something starts making you miserable is to cut that thing out of your life altogether. Preferably cold turkey. But the thing that always makes me hesitate is the fact that amid all the negativity and bullshit, I have struck up some genuine friendships, and I’d hate to lose those. I’d hate to lose contact with people like Mike Cunningham from RPGamer; Steve Baltimore, Joe “Eritach” Sigadel and several others from Operation Rainfall; the glorious perverts of Anitwitter such as Vyers, Ashley, Luka, Firion, Bubbel, Xiaomu, Rin, Radkatsu, TheHatPerson and doubtless hundreds of others I’ve forgotten to mention. (If I didn’t call you out by name here, it’s to save time and space, not because I don’t want to stay in touch! Unless you’re a shithead. In which case I probably wasn’t following you anyway.)

As such, then, the details above are there in an attempt to stay in contact with people I want to stay in contact with, despite intending to leave what has previously been our primary means of communication behind. Please do feel free to use them and to say hi to me using any of the means listed; they’re there to be used, so don’t feel like you’re “intruding” in any way by sending me a friend request or a private message via some other non social media means.

In order to continue one thing I did enjoy about Twitter — posting “live” thoughts and reactions to games I’m playing — I’ve set up this site to continue doing so. It’ll probably be primarily PC games on there, as sharing console or handheld screenshots and other media is a bit more of a faff, but if you want to see what I’m up to and share your own thoughts on games I’m playing, feel free to drop by and leave a comment.

I’ll be leaving my various Twitter accounts and my Facebook page active in order to share things like these blog posts and my other content from around the Web, but I won’t be actively checking them, so please don’t use them to try and get in touch with me. No, really; I’ve turned off notifications on my phone and everything, so if you try and say something via one of those means, I won’t see it.

I’ll be continuing to post here each and every day, sporadically on my new site and (hopefully) weekly on MoeGamer. Those are the best ways of keeping up to date with what I’m doing and having a chat with me, so feel free to follow and comment on any of them.

Hopefully stepping away will allow me to regain a little perspective and a lot of wasted time on a daily basis. If nothing else, it’s probably healthy to get away from relentless negativity, particularly when I’m already depressed and anxious.

Thanks for reading if you came this far; hopefully I’ll hear from some of you elsewhere on the Internet sometime soon.

2334: Another Blog on Depression, and How Unemployment Fits In

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My good friend Dan wrote this excellent post on depression the other day, initially as an email-based TinyLetter, and subsequently as a blog post to be more widely shared.

It struck a chord with me. My experiences over the years haven’t been anything near as traumatic as what Dan has dealt with, but a lot of the things he describes in his piece are very familiar indeed.

Here is the major issue with depression… it’s a dirty fucking liar. When I’m laid out on my bed (not in it, that requires movement) the black dog learns to speak. It doesn’t even do so with a pleasant cartoon voice, it’s one laced with bile and venom; a deep booming voice that rattles my core. Living with that constant voice is miserable. The black dog tells me that I’m no good at anything; that I’m a terrible parent; that nobody loves or appreciates me. It’s no use arguing with him at these times because his droning is relentless.

What makes it worse is that in every positive message I see around me, I’m left with a residue of self hatred. A friend of mine lands a great freelance writing position, that’s great… the black dog chews my ankle and says “you could have done that, but you didn’t because you’re useless. To be honest, you probably wouldn’t have even got the chance. Waste of space.”

Hoo, do I ever know this feeling. Part of it is a sense of impostor syndrome: the feeling that you’ll never be quite as good at a thing you actually should be quite confident in as other people. The rest of it is simply a crippling sense of self-doubt and a lack of general self-confidence.

Unemployment really doesn’t help with this. The worst thing about unemployment isn’t the lack of money, though that certainly doesn’t help and leads to a lot of worries and stress that can be otherwise avoided. No, the worst thing about unemployment is how it gradually eats away at your confidence, convincing you more and more each day that you’re a worthless human being, that no-one will ever want you, that your skills are useless.

This is about where I am at the moment. I’ve been spamming out job applications for the past week or so, forgoing my usual approach of taking hours over a single application and then getting upset and depressed when it comes back as a rejection. While I know it’s pretty much a crapshoot and random chance plays as much of a role as your actual talent for a position, it’s still extremely demoralising the longer it goes on for. As I browse through lists of available jobs, I find myself wondering if I’m able to do them, even entry-level menial jobs. Even with jobs I know that I could do, like anything involving IT, I find myself hesitating over them because I don’t feel confident that I’d be able to get my skills and enthusiasm across. Not having any particularly relevant qualifications or experience for the fields I’m interested in is a problem, too: my qualifications all relate to teaching, which theoretically could transfer to some sort of training position, but for stuff like IT the only thing I have to offer is my innate knowledge. That knowledge is solid, secure and fairly comprehensive, but not having a piece of paper to prove I have any of that knowledge leads to a constant sense of anxiety and inadequacy.

I hate this feeling. And I know all I have to do is keep plugging away in the hope that something good happens, and I’ll almost certainly feel better once I have some regular money rolling in again. In the meantime, though, it’s hard not to feel like a worthless, useless waste of space — even though I know that I’m not. That ol’ Black Dog just keeps telling me that I am, and every day it gets harder and harder to reject his evaluation.

2333: Human Slaves in an Insect Nation

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Andie and I went to see Bill Bailey this evening. Bill Bailey is one of my absolute favourite live performers, and I always enjoy seeing his shows. I have, however, watched most of his past content many, many times on DVD and online, so I was more than ready to see some new material.

Fortunately, his new show Limboland proved to be entirely new material, albeit with a few cheeky nods back at his past work for those of us who have been enjoying his blend of music technology wizardry and comedy for years now.

In some senses, it was a little odd to have such an up-to-date Bill Bailey show, because the last time I watched one of his shows, things like social media and YouTube hadn’t worked their tendrils into every facet of our existence as they have today, and so it was momentarily jarring to hear Bailey making jokes about YouTube commenters. This feeling soon passed, though, and the content fit very nicely into his set.

As usual, he made impressive use of the music technology he had on stage to provide a true multimedia experience. Of particular note was his iPhone ringtone megamix, where he blended together some of the most commonly heard (and irritating) iPhone ringtones to create a surprisingly solid piece of electronica, and his Ambient Electronica Workshop, in which he created a fake Moby track using samples obtained from audience members. The death metal versions of Lady in Red (which he performed through gritted teeth, having spent a considerable amount of time in his past shows mercilessly mocking Chris de Burgh) and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star were also extremely memorable highlights.

Bailey’s humour is chaotic and sort of directionless in a way; he comes on stage and sort of just starts rambling — in one of his past shows he noted that he doesn’t really know how to start performances — but his manner of speaking, his friendly manner and the vivid pictures he paints with his words make him a consistent delight to listen to, whether he’s talking about the impending EU referendum or going off on some surreal tangent about lizard girlfriends or Lionel Richie thinking that all horses are white.

I think what I particularly like about Bailey is that he’s not in any way threatening or scary like some comedians can be. When he interacts with the audience, he mocks them sometimes, but it’s always a gentle, friendly mocking rather than outright acidic, spiteful comments. And when he’s just delivering his material, it’s like listening to an old friend or family member with a particular penchant for delivering anecdotes — perhaps with a few embellishments here and there — talking to you during a quiet evening in your living room as you sip port, or over the dinner table as you await the arrival of the raspberry pavlova to conclude your meal.

I’m sure that were I ever to come face to face with Bailey I would react much like he said he did when he encountered Sir Paul McCartney — that is to say, much like I reacted when I encountered the father of the adventure game, Don Woods, i.e. turning into a dribbling, awkward moron (even more so than usual, I mean) — but since that is probably unlikely to happen I can continue to enjoy the mental image of Bailey as “the friend I never had”; someone I always enjoy spending time with, and even after several years without seeing him, the second he comes back we’re right back to the way we’ve always been together.

In short, Limboland was a wonderful show, and if you have the opportunity to see him live, I highly recommend you take it.

2332: A Musical Journey

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Let’s try a little experiment, shall we? I’m going to start with a YouTube video of a piece of music I really like. Given that I’ve just come off a session of Ys Origin, let’s make it a piece from Ys Origin. After that I’m going to see where the Related Videos take us, and we’ll go on a little journey. I’ll try and give a bit of useless trivia for each track.

To give things a bit of variety (though I’m not promising quite how much!) I’ll pick the first Related video that isn’t 1) a Recommendation for me based on past viewing and 2) from the same game, movie, whatever as the previous one.

Ready? Here we go.

This is the theme that plays in the final area of Ys Origin, and I particularly like it because it uses one of my favourite soundtrack techniques: making use of the main theme in a different way to how it sounded originally. When used in a finale sequence, as it is here, it gives the whole thing a nice feeling of “closure” — or at least of approaching the end, anyway.

To put it more simply, effective use of this technique can get you seriously pumped for the final battle. And Ys Origin certainly does it well.

Onward!

I haven’t played Ys: The Oath in Felghana yet, but it’s probably next up after I finish with Ys Origin. As such, this is the first time I’ve heard this piece, and I’m pleased to hear that it has Falcom’s distinctive prog rock-inspired sound about it. While I don’t really know a lot about prog rock itself, I do like the sound of music inspired by it, and it seems there are a number of Japanese groups that do it very well — Falcom’s sound team being one. (Nobuo Uematsu’s bands The Black Mages and The Earthbound Papas are some others, though they do arrangements of game music rather than directly soundtracking games for the most part.)

Unsurprisingly, YouTube is taking us on a distinctly Ys-ian journey. Again, I haven’t played this game, so it’s my first time hearing this track, and initial impressions are good. Again, it has the melodic rock sound to it, but it also makes use of some violin melodies, which I often find sound really nice in the context of instruments you might not typically associate violin with. Other examples of this being done well include its combination with electronic instruments in Final Fantasy XIII’s main battle theme, and as part of a distinctly modern-sounding pop ensemble in Omega Quintet’s two battle themes.

Yet another Ys I’m yet to get to, and I know I have at least a couple of friends who count this soundtrack among their favourites. The timbre of this one’s soundtrack is a little “cleaner” and perhaps more artificial-sounding; there’s certainly some synthesised brass going on, but the guitars and solo violins sound fairly convincing.

The slightly more artificial sound of the music is presumably down to Ys VI being an earlier release than Oath in Felghana and Origin, and Falcom’s sound team still refining and developing their sound with new tech and capabilities.

We’ve escaped the Ys series! And we find ourselves involved with another Japanese video game company’s internal sound team that is world-renowned as being Rather Good. In this case, we’re with Gust, developers of the Atelier and Ar Tonelico series, both of which have simply lovely soundtracks.

This particular piece is from one of their slightly lesser known games, Mana Khemia, which is often regarded as part of the Atelier series due to its thematic and mechanical similarities.

And speaking of Atelier, here’s a track from one of the more recent ones. It very much sounds like the distinctive sound Gust has put together for the Atelier series over the last few installments, featuring prominent use of traditional “folk-style” instruments such as harmonica and penny whistle.

I’m also a big fan of this track’s title.

Staying with Atelier and moving forwards in time, this is from Escha and Logy, a game I don’t know a lot about but know is reasonably well regarded in the Atelier canon. There’s a pretty cool guitar solo in the middle of this track, too.

And we’re up to the most recent Atelier game, Atelier Sophie, and a track with a pretty magnificent rhythm guitar part. There’s also a hint of Nights of Azure in there with the prominent use of harpsichord/clavichord. In fact, this whole track wouldn’t be out of place in Nights of Azure.

YouTube agrees. Nights of Azure was a really great game that I enjoyed a lot, and a big part of that was due to its wonderful soundtrack, also the product of Gust’s sound team, but clearly heavily inspired by Michiru Yamane’s work on the older Castlevania games. This sort of Gothic rock is perfectly fitting with the game’s fast action and overall tone, and contrasts nicely with the more gentle music used in its story sequences.

Let’s do two more, or we’ll be here all night. This one’s from Megadimension Neptunia V-II, a game which I’m sure you already know I liked a whole lot. This particular track was one of my favourites due to its heavy use of some distinctly retro-sounding synthesisers, which brought to mind a few things: the synthesised music of Sega Mega Drive/Genesis games, and the once-fashionable .MOD format of digital music, which effectively used short, digitised samples as “notes” on a virtual synthesiser-sequencer and allowed those who knew what they were doing to put together multi-track compositions.

Last one!

Eternal Sonata was an extremely peculiar concept for a game in that it’s an RPG based around the noted Romantic composer Frederic Chopin. In keeping with that, the soundtrack has a distinctly Romantic feel to it, with authentic orchestral instruments used to give the music a very different feel to more obviously “gamey” pieces. The game also used some of Chopin’s work directly in its soundtrack.

2326: Purpose

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In response to the WordPress Daily Post prompt for June 2, 2016.

Purpose is, I am told, that little thing that lights a fire under your arse. Trouble is, finding one’s purpose and then being able to actually, you know, follow it somewhere constructive is a bit harder than just lighting a match beneath your hairy, sweaty ringpiece and hoping for the best.

I don’t think I’ve found my purpose yet. This is probably self-evident to those of you who have either been following this blog for a while or who know me in real life. It’s not through lack of trying, mind you — I’ve tried all manner of different things, but none of them seem to have quite worked out in a way that is any way satisfactory. I’ve either found myself realising that no, I don’t really want to do that thing after all — or in the few cases where I’ve found myself actually enjoying something that I’m doing, I find the opportunity snatched away from me through circumstances entirely beyond my control.

The closest thing I feel I have to any sort of purpose is to write. About what? I don’t know. Games obviously spring to mind, as I do a lot of writing about those from various perspectives, and indeed one of the writing projects I’m finding most enjoyable at the moment is the production of in-depth studies of games over on the sister site to this blog, MoeGamer. I’m currently into my third month of producing work of this type, and I’ve even managed to attract a few people to my Patreon to support me financially in appreciation for my writing, which is nice. Not enough to live on, by any means, but a bit of pocket money each month, if nothing else.

What else do I feel qualified to write about? Music is another thing; music may not be as much of a focus in my life as it was when I was at school, but it will always be a big part of who I am, and I feel pretty confident both talking and writing about music — and indeed teaching it.

On the subject of music, I have a curious (and probably not all that interesting) anecdote to share. I tend to find that my subconscious often reflects things that are at the back of my mind or causing me anxiety through my dreams, and one recurring dream I seem to have is that I’m back at my old school, I know that there are orchestra and concert band rehearsals going on — these are both groups that I was a member of throughout my entire time at school — but I deliberately choose not to attend them, nor to participate in the regular school concerts. In the dreams, I often run into my old music teacher Mr Murrall, one of my absolute favourite teachers in the whole school, and he’s extremely disappointed in me for not attending. Perhaps this is some sort of subconscious signal that I should try and do more with my music once again — question is, what?

That annoying question “what?” is the thing that I feel holds me back most from finding a purpose. Whenever I look for a job, I get hung up on what I should be looking for. Whenever I consider offering private services such as music teaching, I wonder what I should be charging and offering. Whenever I consider training myself up in a new field to try and find a new career, I stall on what I should be studying. What, what, what.

What should I do? I don’t know. But hopefully the answer will come to me at some point, otherwise I’ll just find myself staggering into middle- and old age feeling like I’ve not really accomplished anything along the way. And that’s not a prospect I’m particularly happy about.

2325: Science Club

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I’ve never thought of myself as particularly “scientifically minded” — I always felt like I hated maths at school, although thinking about it I did end up doing reasonably well at it at GCSE level, and I did actually genuinely enjoy science lessons — but in the last few years in particular I’ve found myself very interested in TV shows that deal with scientific principles, preferably in an entertaining sort of way.

There are a few shows I have in mind for this sort of thing which if you, like me, are interested in generic sciencey things but perhaps don’t have the opportunity to study them as a career (or as a hobby), you might want to check out.

First up is Brainiac, which I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about on these pages before. Brainiac is a show that aired on satellite channel Sky One between 2003 and 2008. Featuring Richard Hammond (best known for Top Gear and Total Wipeout) in the presenter’s chair, sternly reminding viewers Not To Try This At Home, the show was designed to be “science entertainment” in that it set up all manner of experiments with genuine scientific principles in mind, but executed them with a fair degree of tongue in cheek. This made it both genuinely interesting and informative to watch as well as being something you could just chill out in front of and have a good laugh with. Despite having watched most of the episodes several times, I happily return to it every so often; it’s a pity it’s not on a service like Netflix for some better quality videos — I have to rely on dodgy downloads or YouTube at present.

Next up is Mythbusters, an American show which takes nuggets of popular wisdom and puts them to the test in various ways. The show’s hosts have a background in special effects, so they often make use of this knowledge to perform their experiments in unnecessarily spectacular ways. It takes a little while to get into the show’s groove if you’re not accustomed to the hosts’ rather dry, deadpan sense of humour, but it’s very entertaining and, again, informative if you pay attention to the science bits.

Finally is my most recent discovery, Dara O’Briain’s Science Club. O’Briain is primarily known as a comedian and host of topical panel show Mock the Week, but over the last few years he’s been spreading his wings a bit and taking on subjects such as mathematics and now science. He’s clearly a clever man, and he has some even cleverer friends who come out to play for Science Club. Each show focuses on a specific topic and explores it in detail, and the topics under the microscope (sorry) range from the human brain to the possibility of space travel and Mars colonisation. The show incorporates experiments, “live” studies involving the studio audience, documentary-style footage and layman’s explanations of complicated scientific concepts. It’s an extremely compelling show, and it’s probably a mistake for Andie and I to watch it when we’re trying to get to sleep, because it’s the kind of show you want to pay attention to!

And on that note, I’m off to bed to learn some science and perhaps, maybe, get some sleep.