1604: Dissonance

There are two, great, bizarre pieces of dissonance in the games industry right now, and Nintendo’s live video presentation earlier highlighted one of them very obviously.

Both pieces of dissonance are very similar: they regard how good, interesting and widely-praised a platform is, and how poorly they’re selling. The systems in question are, of course, Nintendo’s Wii U and Sony’s PlayStation Vita — both of which are excellent systems, both of which have a ton of excellent games, and both of which are selling like shit despite passionate, if small, install bases.

Why is this happening? Well, it’s at least partly due to the fact that the big-hitters of the industry — Sony and Microsoft — are now doing a much better job of appealing to the mainstream market than Nintendo were during the Wii era. The market that Nintendo courted with the original Wii — casual, family gamers — have since moved on to mobile phones and tablets (where they’re having vastly inferior experiences, but that’s a subject for another day). This leaves a different kind of mainstream market — the Call of Duty-playing beer-and-pretzels multiplayer brigade who are, for sure, bringing a ton of money into the industry, but who are also indirectly pushing budgets sky-high and encouraging some of the worst practices in the industry.

The market that plays Call of Duty and other big-budget triple-A games on Xbox One and PlayStation 4, in other words, is much larger than the market that plays Mario on Wii U or JRPGs on Vita. This has led to both Wii U and Vita being perceived as “failures” somehow, despite the fact that they’re both trundling along quite nicely, seemingly mostly oblivious to the rest of the industry. Both platforms, notably, provide something markedly different from what is seen on PS4 and Xbox One; Xbox One and PS4, conversely, currently have relatively little to distinguish between them — a swathe of predictable triple-A games, a promising-looking indie lineup and a bunch of features a significant number of people aren’t sure if they really want or not.

It was highly apparent during Nintendo’s event today in particular that the games on offer for Wii U are completely distinct from anything coming down the pipe for Xbox One or PS4. They’re colourful, they’re family-friendly, they’re creative — they’re the sort of things computer and video games used to be, in other words. I’m not saying that this is inherently “better” than the muted blues, greys and browns of modern triple-A — those games have their place, even as people like me aren’t interested in them — but that they provide something immediately more noticeable and distinctive than the identikit worlds of Assassin’s Creed, Far Cry, Call of Duty and Battlefield.

Vita, too, has a ton of interesting, unusual and distinctive games, whether it’s colourful JRPGs or portable takes on indie titles. Developers for the platform have long since given up trying to make a “portable triple-A” experience and I, for one, am glad about that. Vita doesn’t need to be a portable PS3/PS4 — it needs to be its own thing. And, despite the relatively small number of people who have one, even as more and more people yell about how great games like Persona 4 Golden are, it’s doing a very good job at catering to the clear and distinct audience it’s been building up.

All this doesn’t make Sony’s announcement and subsequent retraction of an announcement for Final Fantasy Type-0 on Vita any less frustrating, however. Still, Final Fantasy Type-0 in HD is one more reason to pick up a PS4 or Xbox One, and those, for me, are in short supply so far.

1603: Gen7’s Fine, Thanks

The video game-inclined among you will know that it’s currently E3, the huge annual interactive entertainment expo in Los Angeles that generally shows off where the industry is going to be going for the next year or so. It’s a good opportunity to see what games are coming down the pipe and, at times like this, shortly after a new generation of hardware has been released, it’s a great chance for publishers to show off their most impressive games and convince us all to upgrade to the new consoles.

Well, at the time of writing Sony’s press conference is yet to happen, but Microsoft’s spectacularly failed to make me want an Xbox One. To their credit, they did keep their promise and made their presentation entirely about games — there wasn’t a single mention of Kinect, Snap, entertainment apps or any of the other shit that clutters up the One’s user interface — and to their further credit, they showed off three games that I’m interested in: a new Crackdown game, a new Platinum Games joint called Scalebound, and… and… uh… you know, I’ve actually forgotten what the third one was already, such was the impression it left on me. Oh right, Phantom Dust, a reimagining of a first-gen Xbox title that I never played but which my colleague Mike likes very much.

To Microsoft’s further credit, they showed an impressive sizzle reel of indie games that were coming to the platform “soon”, though that’s less of a selling point for me in that the vast majority of them will almost certainly be available on other platforms too — if not consoles or handhelds then certainly PC.

But it’s not really enough for me. Three games isn’t enough to make me want a new console, and the Xbox One is still failing to impress me overall — particularly as I’m not entirely sure I trust Microsoft and its partners to not ram all its games full of microtransaction pay-to-win bollocks. The other stuff on display was technically impressive, sure — the new Call of Duty looked predictably spectacular — but the same sort of completely soulless, predictable, overly-gritty nonsense I described here a while back. (The game in question in that post, incidentally, was the Thief reboot; by all accounts a crushing disappointment in many respects despite being, again, technically quite accomplished.)

The other issue I had — and its a problem that’s been growing over the course of the last few E3s — is how much reliance there was on non-interactive, pre-rendered trailers. Sure, they give a feeling for the game’s mood and some context to what is going on, but they are ultimately meaningless. They’re not quite as bad as live-action trailers, but as someone pointed out on Twitter the other day, imagine if the movie industry promoted its upcoming titles with video games that bore little resemblance to the movie in question. (Actually, this sort of happens already with mobile games, but still.) I’d much rather the announcement of these games was delayed until there was something to actually show — but that would leave the press conferences looking rather lightweight, highlighting the fact that, well, there really aren’t that many games coming out for next-gen systems in the immediate future.

So in summary, then, I will not be picking up an Xbox One in the immediate future. PlayStation 4 remains to be seen — getting some awesome Japanese stuff on there will be an insta-win for me — but in the meantime I’m more than happy to continue playing what I’ve got on the PS3, Vita, PC and even, in some cases, PS2.

1602: Search Terms

It’s been a long time since I pored over my blog’s stats — largely because I don’t particularly care about them, since I’m writing more for myself than anyone else — but it’s occasionally interesting to take a peek at the search terms that show how people have arrived at this ‘ere site.

For the longest time, my blog’s most popular post was this one, which features animated GIFs of stickmen doing various offensive things to one another. People would show up at my blog through search terms like “stickman sex gif” and the like — why on Earth were so many people searching for this sort of thing when there is far better porn available on the Internet? — and this, consequently, led to that post being consistently popular. Alongside that, some things I wrote ages ago about classic PC games Divine Divinity and No-One Lives Forever proved consistently popular, as did my guide on how to play Kairosoft’s mobile game Pocket Academy.

It’s only been fairly recently that those consistently popular posts have finally fallen off my top search terms — although, looking today, Pocket Academy is still there. Instead, we have a few newcomers.

First up was this post, in which I bemoaned the repetitiveness and utter stupidity of “[brand] sponsors [programme] on [channel]” bumpers on commercial TV channels — specifically, the infuriatingly asinine “Alpen Sponsors Characters on Dave” campaign, which features a middle-aged, bearded man speaking with a funny accent and saying painfully unfunny lines clearly written by a bored advertising executive who was apparently once told by someone that they were “really funny” more to shut them up than anything else. Since said advertising campaign is still running on Dave, it seems there’s a certain degree of interest in this campaign — search terms include people asking who the guy is (I have no idea) and, so far as I can make out, why the fuck it exists.

It seems I’ve become a source of information on certain types of games and types of entertainment, too. Someone arrived today looking for a map of the Endless Road dungeon in Demon Gaze (while I am playing Demon Gaze right now, you won’t find any maps here, sorry), while another person wanted to find out which of the in-game races had the most HP. (I have no idea there either.)

Alongside that, there are just plain bizarre pairings of search terms, the oddest of which is kiss x sis and doctor who, an unholy fusion of a somewhat ecchi anime and the classic, resurrected BBC sci-fi series from which this blog takes its name, but which I do not.

Then there’s the person asking “is bovril good for you” — I have no idea, sorry, though with how salty it tastes, I doubt it — and “waiting for the phone to ring” which, I assume, led them to this post, or possibly this one.

It paints an interesting picture of the people I am somehow attracting to this site — or at least, the type of people that Google feels is appropriate to send over here. Everyone is welcome, one and all; I can’t promise you’ll find what you’re looking for, but hopefully you’ll stumble across something fun in the meantime.

1601: On Not Assuming the Worst is the Most Representative

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Calin the other day. Calin is someone I’ve known for quite a while, have shared lots of interesting and enjoyable gaming stories with over the years — mainly through the Squadron of Shame — and even managed to meet face-to-face on one occasion at PAX East in 2010, an event which, as a whole, I regard as the last great thing in my life before everything came crumbling down shortly afterwards. (I have since largely rebuilt my existence, but there’s still some work to do after that chaos.)

Anyway, the point is: Calin is, if you must put a label on such things, a “gamer”. And yet he confessed to me that he’s not entirely comfortable admitting that any more, for fear of being lumped in with what he regards as “gamers”. His definition of gamers, it transpires, are those who are the most vocal on the Internet, and often the worst examples of the gaming community. They who shout loudest get the most attention and all that.

This is, of course, a gross generalisation about the entire community of people who enjoy computer and video games, and I said as much in our conversation. The IGN and Gamespot comments sections are not representative of the entirety of humanity who enjoy computer and video games, in other words; there are plenty of other people out there who don’t rage and swear at one another, who don’t tell writers to kill themselves over reviews they disagree with, who don’t act like spoiled children when things that they, personally, aren’t interested in show up.

And yet I can understand Calin’s position somewhat. As I noted above, those who shout loudest get the most attention, and it’s entirely natural to start believing “gamers” as a whole are the scum of the Earth if the representatives of the community you seem to hear the most from are the ones who are acting like complete tools.

In vaguely related news, earlier today I observed a Twitter exchange between the members of Witch Beam, developers of the excellent upcoming arcade-style shoot ’em up for PC, PS4, Vita and Wii U, Assault Android Cactus. They were feeling disheartened by a tweet from a member of the Gamespot community who made some disparaging remarks about Sony “only” having titles like Assault Android Cactus — smaller-scale, lower-budget but no less interesting or enjoyable games — to show at E3, while Microsoft was promising that its Xbox One-centric E3 presentation would focus on games, presumably triple-A by implication. I commented to them that it’s not worth worrying about the opinion of people who believe that triple-A is all there is to video games. In a way, those people are also judging something in its entirety by a small subsection of it — in this case, that anything outside the big budget triple-A space is somehow unworthy.

The important thing in all this is to remember that not everyone agrees on everything, and not everyone behaves in the same way. For some people, trash talk and being a jackass online is just part and parcel of the way the modern Internet-connected world works. For others, they prefer to spend their time actually playing games rather than typing comments or tweets to each other online. And for others still, they prefer to engage in intelligent, lengthy discussion about things some people may not have heard of. (I kind of straddle the latter two categories.)

Of those groups, the people acting like jackasses are but a small part of the whole. They’re a problem, for sure, and it’s difficult to know what — if anything — it’s possible to do about their behaviour. (Hint: It’s not posting lengthy social justice-themed editorials on the sites they frequent; that just makes them defensive and even more inclined to be obnoxious.) But here’s the important thing: they are not everyone. They do not represent an entire medium. They do not represent the entirety of people around the world who are interested in games. Chances are, in my experience, there’s a considerable amount of crossover with those people who believe in nothing but triple-A.

Fuck those guys. If you enjoy games — however you enjoy them — enjoy them in your own way, and never, ever feel ashamed of something you enjoy because of the behaviour of people you probably have nothing to do with on a regular basis. In an extreme case, simply think back to how it all was before the Internet came along and ruined rational discourse for a lot of people; everyone could enjoy video games without feeling ashamed, guilty or disgusted then, because you never, ever came into contact with the more objectionable parts of humanity. Simply stay out of comments sections and only talk about games with your friends, just like things used to be. Works out pretty well for me, personally.

And if you’re one of the jackasses I’ve mentioned in this post? If you’ve ever told a writer to kill themselves over giving a game an 8 when you thought it deserved a 9? (For those who don’t frequent gaming sites, this actually happens on occasion, though it’s usually over more extreme differences of opinion.) If you believe there is only one “true” way to game, and that everyone else’s interests and passions in one of the most diverse creative mediums in the world is somehow invalid? Take a good, long, hard look at yourself and decide whether or not that’s the person you really want to be.

1600: Clover and Socks

As some of you will remember, we got a couple of new(er) rats a while back, initially to give Lucy Rat some company after her cagemate Lara died, and then to keep each other company when Lucy passed away not all that long afterwards.

It’s been interesting to get to know Clover and Socks since we’ve had them, as they have markedly different personalities to Lara and Lucy. While Lara was a lazy rat who enjoyed attention and Lucy was an energetic psychopath who also enjoyed attention, both Clover and Socks are much more reserved. Scared is perhaps the word, although it seems to be the strangest things that set them off — certain noises and certain sudden movements will send them bolting for the nearest piece of shelter, but with other things they’re absolutely fine.

I’m not sure if they’re actually proving more difficult to “socialise” than Lara and Lucy were, because in retrospect it was relatively late into both of their respective lives that they started coming out of the cage of their own volition, exploring, responding to stimuli and, indeed, doing absolutely anything for a prawn cracker or piece of lettuce. Socks and Clover, meanwhile, are both willing to come out and explore a bit — Sock in particular likes climbing up on top of the cage where she has a Lego house in which she can hide — but they’re not yet willing to be picked up or petted with any reliability. It’s a shame, but hopefully they’ll come around eventually.

They do both have very distinct personalities that they exhibit when they’re not running for shelter, however. Socks is curious, cheeky and keen to run around — both of them will run on the wheel we originally got for Lara and Lucy, but Socks does it with far more regularity — while Clover is a little more timid and careful about what she does for the most part. I say “for the most part” because there are times when she’ll skitter around the cage, dig a big hole for no apparent reason and then look out as if to say “…what?”

Rats are very interesting pets to have and, despite the fact they have a slight tendency to keep antisocial hours — Socks and Clover both tend to get up and be most active when Andie and I are going to bed — they’re good company. They’re not the same kind of pet as a dog or cat, of course — while those animals will happily wander around and come and see you when they damn well feel like it (although most dogs, in my experience, are attention whores even more than cats are), rats are a pet you have to actively engage with due to the fact that they’re — in most cases, anyway — not free to just roam around your house at will.

It’s kind of a shame that they’re not in some ways, as it’s fun to see them wandering around on the floor. And it was some “out of cage” time that gave me the fondest memory I think I have of Lara in particular: it was back when we lived in Chippenham, and we’d let them out for some reason — I forget exactly why, perhaps to clean them — and I was upstairs doing something on the computer. Suddenly, I felt something on my feet. Thinking it was just an itch or perhaps a fly or something, I moved my foot, but then looked down only to see Lara trundling around on the floor of my study; she’d climbed all the stairs in our Chippenham house — which must be like ascending a mountain for a rat — and come to see me, presumably by following my scent.

I miss Lara and Lucy, particularly as Socks and Clover are yet to come out of their shells enough to interact with us a great deal. But I’m sure we’ll become friends eventually, and then I’m sure we’ll have some fun, silly stories with them, too.

1599: Through the Maelstrom Again

Final Fantasy XIV patch day! If you don’t play an MMO, it’s probably difficult for you to understand why people get excited about patches, but we really do.

The reason for this is that, more so than any other type of game out there, MMO patches can considerably improve the experience of the game for everyone playing as well as adding new content to enjoy. And Final Fantasy XIV has definitely been delivering on that front since it launched.

Since launch, the game has, so far, enjoyed two major content patches and a few smaller patches along the way. These smaller ones are arguably the most interesting ones in many ways, because they tend to be the ones that improve the players’ “quality of life” in various ways — perhaps through interface refinements, perhaps through balancing tweaks, perhaps through adjustments to the way the game works based on the community’s feedback.

So far, we’ve seen all of the above. We’ve seen the easy to miss red targeting markers for enemy attacks replaced with more brightly coloured, pulsing markers. We’ve seen the addition of the Challenge and Sightseeing logs to give people more things to do and ways to earn rewards. We’ve seen adjustments to the endgame currencies as the average “item level” of endgame players gradually increases. And we’ve seen much-appreciated little usability tweaks, like the fact you can now get off a chocobo you’re riding by pressing the shoulder buttons on your controller rather than having to twat about with hotbars and icons.

The game is still recognisable as what it was when it launched — it was already a solid game then, after all — but the refinements it has enjoyed ever since mean that it has been consistently, constantly improving — and, more importantly, it’s proof that the development team is both willing to listen to players and implement some of their best ideas.

The game is going from strength to strength, in other words. And they said subscription-based MMOs were dead.

1598: Filling a Niche

While the “next-gen” consoles are struggling to provide compelling reasons for people to pick them up beyond their launch lineup and a couple of more recent stragglers, there’s never been a better time to be a fan of the more niche side of interactive entertainment — particularly the Japanese “otaku games” that I’m such a fan of.

This week alone there’s Hyperdimension Neptunia: Producing Perfection and Monster Monpiece (in Europe, anyway; North America has had the latter for a little while already). Later in the month there’s Atelier Rorona Plus, and prior to that we’ve had interesting, intriguing titles like Nippon Ichi’s surprisingly bleak The Witch and the Hundred Knight and Kadokawa Games’ excellent dungeon crawler Demon Gaze.

Hyperdimension Neptunia: Producing Perfection (Neptunia PP for short — stop giggling at the back) is a curious little game that I’ve been playing for the past couple of days. Ostensibly an “idol management” game — a genre we haven’t really had in the West before — it’s actually roughly equal parts stat-building life sim, relationship-building dating sim and visual novel. Unlike the rest of the Neptunia series to date, the game unfolds from the perspective of yourself as a participant narrator rather than an omniscient viewpoint which the characters occasionally break the “fourth wall” of. It’s a fitting shift in narrative tone and perspective, because the relationship between a Japanese pop idol and her producer is a close one, and this is one of the many things the game explores. Mostly I’m just happy for the opportunity to virtually date Noire, but the game itself, while simplistic and straightforward, is proving to be an enjoyable little statbuilder accompanied by a strange “live performance” minigame that I haven’t quite got my head around yet and an enjoyable, characteristically silly narrative starring the Neptunia gang.

Monster Monpiece, meanwhile, I’m yet to boot up but I’m looking forward to trying out. Notorious for its “First Crush Rub” system — I defy you to find a single article about it which doesn’t mention this aspect of the game — in which you essentially have to wank off your Vita while tweaking erogenous zones on pictures of moe girls in order to power them up (a process which, in a somewhat Ar Tonelico-ish twist, causes them to become somewhat more disrobed with each increase in strength), the game is actually, by all reports from people who have actually played it rather than getting outraged about what is, essentially, a fairly minor mechanic, rather good. (That was a clumsy sentence, I know. But you get the gist.)

Monster Monpiece is, at heart, a collectible card game. You’ll collect cards that depict various monster girls, and then throw your deck of up to 40 cards into battle against either AI opponents in the story or live online opponents via the Internet. Rather than a straightforward Magic: The Gathering-alike, the card battles unfold in a distinctive fashion, allowing you to summon your forces into several lanes, then pitting them against one another. Units advance along the “board” and clash if they run into each other, meaning you’ll have to engage your strategic brain and think a few moves ahead in order to succeed. Like I say, I’m yet to actually play it myself, but its mechanics sound interesting and enjoyable to engage with. Plus, you know, Vita wanking.

Atelier Rorona Plus, meanwhile, is a considerably enhanced version of Atelier Rorona: The Alchemist of Arland, an RPG-cum-crafting-strategy-game-type-thing by Gust that I started playing a while back but held off playing further upon hearing the Plus version was coming. The Plus version in question features considerably enhanced graphics — the in-game character models now look like their 2D counterparts rather than their little brothers and sisters — as well as tweaked, refined game mechanics based on the later installments of the series (which have, themselves, also had Plus overhauls, but were less in need of them). Again, I’m yet to play this new version, but it certainly looks lovely and I really enjoyed what I played of the original Atelier Rorona, and as such I’m very much looking forward to getting stuck in to this.

So there’s three games to get stuck into over the course of the next month — all of which are fairly lengthy affairs, particularly if you want to investigate all the narrative paths each of them offer. I know what I’m going to be doing for the next little while! Just as well, really, since I’m about to have a whole lot of time on my hands…

1597: Mario Kart 8 is Fucking Great

(Hey, that rhymes. It’s like it was meant to be.)

So, yes, Mario Kart 8 is, as the title says, fucking great. And it’s a surprisingly complete-feeling package this time around, too; past installments of the series have typically not been anywhere near as interesting if you’re sitting around by yourself, but the excellent online mode in Mario Kart 8 means that there’s always some interesting, enjoyable competition to be had even if you don’t have anyone to play with in the same room as you.

As ever, though, it’s when you have people over to play that the game absolutely shines. I bought it primarily with the intention of this evening happening — my regular board gaming friends came over, we ate curry and then played Mario Kart 8 instead of something tabletop. And it was fab.

The thing that has always been good about multiplayer Mario Kart is also the thing that frustrates people the most — the fact it can all turn at a moment’s notice. One minute you’ll be happily driving along in first place, not a care in the world, and the next you’ll be pelted by blue, red and green shells, knocked back into the middle of the pack as you friends whizz by you, giggling.

This is, of course, infuriating when it happens to you, but with the nicely tuned balance of Mario Kart you’ll have the chance to get your revenge before very long. The further down the pack you are, the nastier the items you get are, so unless you were knocked out of the running moments from the finish line — which isn’t beyond the realm of possibility — there’s always a chance to claw your way back to a respectable position.

Ultimately, the nice thing is that it doesn’t matter all that much because it’s simply fun to play. The simple controls and well-tuned difficulty level mean that anyone can pick it up and have a go, while the myriad shortcuts and special techniques mean that those who want to take their game to the next level can do so. Just remember, though, getting out in front effectively paints a big target on your back, so don’t be surprised when the dreaded blue shell comes a-knockin’.

I could tell that the game was well-received by my friends from the amount of foul language it was producing. I find it remarkable that Nintendo’s family-friendly games provoke more bitching, swearing and cursing than pretty much any other game I know. Even our go-to multiplayer titles like Super Street Fighter IV and TrackMania don’t make us yell and curse like we were during our Mario Kart session this evening, and the cursing grew in volume and intensity as we worked our way through the eight cups. Eventually, my friend James was reduced to a gibbering wreck, no longer using words and simply making what he apparently believed to be insulting noises, having previously passed through stuttering, peculiar insults (“W-wank yourself!”) and some frankly unprintable utterances that would probably get certain quarters of the Internet angry at me (or James) were I to repost them here.

Anyway. That’s that. I hope there will be more Mario Kart 8 in my future, because that was one hell of a lot of fun. Nintendo very much still has the magic.

1596: Efforts

Trying to stay positive. Got up early today, went for a swim before doing anything else (only 25 lengths, alternating crawl and my laughable excuse for a breast stroke, but you have to start somewhere) and then took the bus (the bus!) back. (I managed to find all the Obsidian Mushrooms in Demon Gaze during the bus journey back, which treated me to some enjoyable scenes with catgirl maid Pinay, so it was very much worth it.)

Got back. Applied for two jobs, nearly applied for a third before I realised I’d already applied for it last week, took delivery of our new table (it’s humongous, and it has metallic animal feet, because it clearly belonged to an old lady before ending up in the British Heart Foundation shop), attempted to assemble new table, was mostly successful, did some work, played some Game and Wario (the freebie game I got with Mario Kart 8, which I will almost certainly write more about tomorrow evening after a night of multiplayer fun) and… that’s about it, really.

I feel like I’ve got quite a bit done today, and, as usual, it can be attributed at least partly to getting up reasonably early and getting started on things before I have to do stuff. I think this every time I get up early, then I go and get all depressed and find it hard to get out of bed until immediately before I have to start work. (Also our new bed is really comfy.)

As I say, trying very hard to stay positive right now, but it’s a challenge. Too much is unknown. Several of the jobs I’ve applied for won’t be letting me know one way or another for two or three weeks, and by then that’s the time I will really need to have a new job sorted and ready for me. But I guess there’s not a lot I can do about that. As time ticks on, it becomes more and more likely there’ll be a gap between my current job ending and my new one starting. I just hope it isn’t too long.

In the meantime, I just have to keep doing what I can in order to stay as positive as it is possible to stay under the circumstances. I have to be grateful for the things I do have, rather than upset about the things that I don’t have — even if the things that I don’t have could cause potential difficulties. I can’t think about that, though. I have to assume that things are going to work out all right. I have to assume that things are going to be fine, and that by this time next month, I’ll be wondering what on Earth I was panicking about.

Hmm. Well, it’s going to be a challenge, but I guess I have no option but to try right now, huh?

1595: Other Side Up

A sense of low self-worth tends to coincide, oddly enough, with those times in your life when things aren’t going all that well. The time when your actual worth is lower than it could be, in other words.

I’m going through one of those phases right now, and it sucks. There’s only so much I can do about it in the short-term, though. But there are probably at least a few things I can do, starting with outlining all the things that are causing me stress, anxiety and depression right now. This isn’t for the benefit of any of you kind enough to read my self-indulgent ramblings: I’m simply hoping it will prove to be something of a cathartic exercise, or something.

Okay. Number one on the list of Things That Are Getting Me Down is the lack of job. I still technically have a job until the end of June, of course, but after that I’m on my own. Far from making me feel relaxed, though, I just feel incredibly awkward about the whole situation. I’ve pretty much been cut off from the rest of the staff — partially voluntarily, since I didn’t really trust myself to contribute meaningfully to staff meetings when at risk of bursting into tears at any moment — and am being largely left to my own devices. With the site’s shift in editorial direction, I don’t have to worry about news stories, either, so that takes a bit of pressure off, but it’s still a bit of a weird situation.

The main thing causing anxiety in this instance is the fact that I don’t yet know what I’m going to be doing after the deadline of the end of June is up. I have a few applications in, but I’ve only heard from one so far, and that was a rejection. I have some more positions I need to apply for, but I also have to contemplate the possibility that I might not get any of those, which might leave me in a position where there doesn’t appear to be anything worth applying for. What do I do then? Aim lower? That doesn’t sound right, but it might be the only option.

My issue, as I’ve pondered on these pages once or twice in the past, is convincing employers that the work I’ve done for the past few years is directly relevant to something that is… well, not directly related. I am good at writing about video games. I am good at writing in general. However, I worry that there’s still a certain amount of “stigma” around professional games journalism, like it’s not a “real job” and that, when attempting to apply for a position at a “real” company, I’ll be judged negatively for the hard work I’ve put in over the last few years.

This is an irrational and probably completely incorrect assumption, of course, but as I said, I’m simply spouting off the things that are causing me anxiety right now.

Unrelated to the work issue is the fact that I’m just generally feeling pretty shitty about myself at the moment, particularly with regard to my body image. I’m painfully aware that I’ve put on loads of weight over the last few years, and I can’t shift it. When I get depressed, I often turn to comfort eating, and it’s a difficult habit to break. Right now, I’m making a conscious effort to try and eat more healthy things wherever possible, but sometimes you just want a chocolate bar or a cookie.

I can feel the additional weight translating into unfitness, too. I get breathless, my legs ache and creak, and I feel crappy most of the time. I need to get up, about and being active again, but I know that for a good while after I start doing it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be difficult, I’m going to be gasping for breath and I’m going to feel like I’m not making any progress. And the prospect of that is putting me off doing it in the first place — which, of course, is making me feel worse about myself.

I think I need to try and ease myself back in with something reasonably “easy” like swimming, and later graduate back to the gym and running and the like when I’ve built a bit of strength back up. I feel like a useless lump at the moment, so I don’t know how long that is going to take, but I feel like I probably should start on this sooner rather than later. This week, perhaps; I already joined the gym in town shortly before we moved, so I just need to try and get into some good habits, getting up early and going in the morning.

If I can stick to that, that solves part of my semi-conscious objections to indulging in regular exercise and the like. My main issues are that I get too ambitious too quickly — deciding I’ll go to the gym every day every week, for example — and then lose motivation quickly, and also that I feel like taking time to do exercise is time that I’d rather spend doing literally anything else. I don’t really enjoy exercising while I’m in the state I’m in at the moment; it’s demoralising, embarrassing and painful. I need to work through that pain, somehow.

All of the above, then, is conspiring to make me feel monumentally crap. I wish I could say that I knew things were going to be okay, and I have plenty I should be grateful right now — not least of which is the fact that Andie and I now own our own house, and with a little more work on it, it will be very much how we want it. But there are more immediate concerns weighing on my mind before I really feel like I can relax and enjoy that, and I need to figure out how to address those sooner rather than later.