#oneaday, Day 338: English-American Dictionary

In honour of my being in America, I thought I would clarify some of the strange words that I use in order that we might understand one another a little better. I’m also away from a Mac with Comic Life Magiq installed, so our friends in the panels above might look a little different for the next couple of days thanks to the idiosyncracies of Windows Paint and the Windows version of Comic Life.

But anyway. Here we go. In no particular order:

Chips: French fries.
French Fries: A brand of chips that look like fries.
Crisps: Chips.
Jam: Jelly. Also, a line of traffic.
Jelly: Jell-O or equivalent.
Queue: Difficult to spell. Also, a line of people and/or cars.
Herb: A word with an “H” at the beginning.
Erb: A little-used verbal non-fluency feature.
Aluminium: The correct way to spell “Aluminum”.
Wanker: A person who masturbates. Also a synonym for “asshole”, when used in reference to a person who is an asshole, not an actual asshole.
Wankered: Drunk.
Arse: Ass.
Ass: Donkey and/or mule.
Rat-arsed: Drunk.
Trousers: Pants.
Pants: (n.) underpants or (adj.) not very good.
Trousered: Drunk.
Fucking: Verbal punctuation.
Fucked: Drunk. Also, screwed over. Sometimes at the same time.
Bollocks: (n.) testicles or when used as the object of a sentence, nonsense, clearly a lie. “The things Mat Murray said on his blog were bollocks.”
The dog’s bollocks: Really good. “Mat Murray’s blog is the dog’s bollocks.”
Itchy scrot: Venereal disease.
Scruttocks: Compound word, meaning unclear. Component words suggest that it might refer to the perineum. More often used as a mild, non-offensive expletive.
Fanny: Vagina. Also, to mess around: “to fanny about”.
Faff: See “fanny”, but remove the vagina reference.
Bum: Butt.
Tramp: Bum.
Slag: Tramp.
Bumming: Engaging in anal sex.
Poof: A homosexual male.
Pouffe: A footstool.
Sod: Multi-purpose mild profanity. Can be used as a noun or a verb. (“Sod off, you sod”)
Bugger: See “sod”. Also, to engage in anal sex.
Buggered: Broken or messed up. Also, to have been the recipient of anal sex.
Shag: To have sex with. Also, carpet.
S: a letter we use instead of “Z”.
Zed: Zee.
U: a letter we use after the letter “o” for no particular reason.

Clearly British English is a ridiculous language. The sheer number of synonyms we have for being drunk should probably tell you everything you need to know about our culture.

Still, you know what? I’m a big fan of our stupid words. There are few words more satisfying to mutter under your breath than “bollocks” when something goes wrong. And calling someone a “bloody bastard stupid buggering bugger-head” (or similar) if they have infuriated you is similarly satisfying.

Also, the number of alternative meanings for many of these words can lead to a wide variety of entertaining double-entendres and ambiguities. The cast of the Carry On series of films made an entire career out of this little language trick, after all.

So there you have it. I hope all you Americans out there feel suitably enlightened about the best way to use the English language now. I shall expect you to all be talking the Queen’s English the next time I hear from you.

Because of course, the Queen is always banging on about how rat-arsed she’s going to get before shagging her husband and throwing him out on his arse. In fact, that’s all her Christmas speech normally consists of. It’s actually quite embarrassing.

#oneaday, Day 337: Internet Games #2: TinyURLette

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut when browsing the web, visiting the same few sites over and over and over again in a vain attempt to find something new to waste your ultimately meaningless existence with. Facebook is usually the timesink of choice for many people, closely followed by Twitter, TVTropes, Wikipedia and a few others.

As such, it’s easy to forget that there’s a wider web out there, filled with sites that you may not have ever come across during your daily browsing routine. Some sites you would never have wanted to discover, ever. And some are real gems that you’ll be happy you came across.

So what better way to explore the web than to make it into a little game? There used to be a website devoted to this very philosophy. Called ShuffleTime, it allowed players to jump around the web seemingly at random, answering trivia questions about the pages they were seeing. Correctly answering the questions allowed the players to collect cards and coins and purchase rewards and entries into prize draws. Sadly, it didn’t last very long, but I thought it was a great idea.

So here’s a variation on it. I can’t promise any kind of reward (short of discovering something horrendous/wonderful) but it’s a good time waster. Probably not safe for work, but if you’re reading this at work then you’re probably not concerned about that, either. Here is a picture of Rise from Persona 4 in a bikini to make you feel uncomfortable about reading this at work.

Well, it serves you right. Get on with what you’re supposed to be doing and I won’t have to embarrass you again.

Alternatively, you could embarrass yourself further by playing TinyURLette, a game of discovery. The rules are very similar to The TwitPic Game which I informed you all of a few days ago (and no-one participated, boo) except this time we’re dealing with websites.

So here’s what to do. Visit your link-shortening service of choice and simply add whatever you like after the URL. I will attempt this with both TinyURL and bit.ly links to demonstrate.

So first up, we have http://bit.ly/blargh, which takes us to a page of YouTube comments for this video. It is a Scottish guy who has obviously been studying phonetics recently. He also says hello to a lot of people. And goes off on a rant against one of the members of his channel. He also does that irritating “quick-editing” thing that people are doing all the time on YouTube. “Hello! I am [edit] a person [edit] who is [edit] talking [edit] to you about [edit] rubbish.” Enough of him.

http://tinyurl.com/ihateyou, conversely, is appropriately named and takes you to a picture you really don’t want to see. Especially if you’re at work. You have been warned. It’s not porn or gore.

http://bit.ly/arse takes us to BioEthics Bytes, a blog about multimedia resources for teaching bioethics. An unfortunate URL for a page that looks quite interesting.

http://tinyurl.com/what takes us to an article from the San Francisco Chronicle about the death of Margaret Singer, an expert on brainwashing and cult activity. The obituary is an interesting read, actually, with some quotes from Singer herself.

By extension, http://tinyurl.com/whatisthisidonteven takes you to a page clearly intended to RickRoll you. Unfortunately for them, the video they have been using for RickRolling purposes is a broken link, meaning that this page is, in fact, a failed RickRoll. A RickStumbleAndFallOnYourAss, if you will.

http://bit.ly/yourface features a news headline from Twitter very literally about your face.

http://tinyurl.com/stopit gives us a blog post in Russian about Lifespring, the now-defunct “human potential training” company. Or, as Google Translate puts it, “Layfspringe”, which is a much better name.

Finally, http://bit.ly/borednow takes us to a page from McCarthy Psychology Services from Australia about care provision for the elderly.

I’m a little disappointed. Out of 8 different pages, only one of them is the slightest bit inappropriate. You are not doing your job properly, Internet.

Found any entertaining TinyURL or bit.ly shortlinks through playing this stupid game? Let me know in the comments.

#oneaday, Day 336: Being For The Benefit Of Mr. @shoinan (And Any Other Prospective #oneaday-ers)

The few of us who are still flying the #oneaday flag are closing in on the grand finale. 365 posts of non-stop bollocks, some of which might have been entertaining, some of which may have been utter nonsense. If you haven’t checked out the fellow survivors’ blogs yet, I encourage you to pay Jen, Mat, Mike, Krystian, Ian and other Ian a visit and support the awesome work (and endurance) they’ve shown over the last year. Give ’em a big hand, or whatever the Internet equivalent of applause is.

Now: to the point. I have tagged @shoinan in this post because he was specifically asking about it on Twitter at some indeterminate point in time that I’m confused about due to intercontinental time zone drift and watching Scott Pilgrim until 1:30 in the morning, then getting up at 7am to record a podcast. But this post is directed at anyone who wants to be Awesome Like Us.

#oneaday is something I intend to keep going with once my year is up. The others may feel differently. For some it feels more like work, for others it’s a good habit that they’ve got into. Some are persisting out of sheer bloody-mindedness, some are passionate about the whole thing and want to succeed in it as a creative endeavour. In fact, most of us have fallen into some or all of the above categories at different times. And those who dropped the project partway through the year all did so for completely valid reasons, too.

It’s a challenge, make no mistake, but it’s one you largely set the rules for yourself. The only rule that everyone needs to abide by is this:

Post something—anything—at least once a day for a whole year.

Exactly what “something” means to you can be anything at all. It can be a photo-based post (I’ve done a few of those in the past). You can set yourself a minimum of at least a paragraph. Personally, I try to write at least 500 words a day, and in the last *mumble* days I’ve also been doing my comic daily, too. (All right, I couldn’t be bothered to check. But I know it’s over a hundred days now.)

But there’s no hard and fast rules about how much you need to write, how good it needs to be or even what it needs to be about. The whole point of the exercise is to get you (yes, YOU) writing. Writing anything. Posting anything. Getting into the habit of being creative regularly. Creativity is something you need to exercise, just like your muscles. Spend your time not being creative and you’ll stagnate, but it doesn’t take long to get back on track. And there’s no better way to exercise the creative bits of your mind than coming up with something—anything—every single day.

The other side effect that you might find is that it’s a good outlet. I’ve had a shit year, by all accounts, and I know that one thing that has really helped me deal with said shit is writing about it, getting my thoughts out of my head (where they’d fester and eventually explode) onto the page. Saying things and knowing people are reading them—even if the things I’ve written aren’t specifically aimed at anyone (or are, in some cases)—helps. It’s a form of therapy.

I’m not saying you need to have something going on in your head to enjoy success at #oneaday blogging. But it certainly gives you something to write about, and I believe it’s a healthy thing to do, too.

So for those of you interested in participating next year, I’m fully intending on continuing to take part and helping to co-ordinate everyone’s efforts, too. Keep an eye on these pages for further details, and in the meantime feel free to get started whenever you like. If you do, be sure to let me know that you’re on the case and I’ll be sure to throw up some links.

Not in a vomity way. That would be weird. You know what I meant.

Anyway. Now it is time for pancakes. I hope those of you reading this who have a creative itch that is proving difficult to scratch will certainly consider joining me on another year of #oneaday blogging next year. Good luck to those of you who are in for the ride.

#oneaday, Day 335: My Synapses Are Cold

I think it’s pretty much a given now that I’m a fan of creative indie games, particularly ones that put unusual twists on established formulae. There’s one I haven’t really talked about here yet, and I feel I should rectify this forthwith.

My brother (John Davison of GameSpot, for those three of you who haven’t realised that yet and are now going “Oh, yeah!”) mentioned on Twitter the other day that asynchronous multiplayer was “multiplayer for grown-ups”. Or specifically, multiplayer for people with little to no free time. Eminently suitable for those with jobs. Or those with families. Or those who simply suck at action/skill-based multiplayer titles.

Mode 7 Games’ Frozen Synapse caters for this crowd, specifically the subset of it who wish that they could pull off a headshot at a hundred paces but no longer have the reflexes of a twelve-year old with too much sugar and caffeine in their system. Frozen Synapse is, at heart, a team-based first-person shooter, albeit one represented from a top-down view played in turns by only two people. So not a lot like a first-person shooter at all, really.

Except that it kind of is. For the uninitiated, Frozen Synapse features a wide selection of different game modes, many of which will be familiar to players of shooty-shooty-bang-bang games. The simplest is Extermination mode, which simply tasks one team with killing the other team before five turns are up.

Each turn represents a five-second period of time, during which your little people can run, walk, duck, crawl, aim, shoot and focus on specific targets. It’s your job to set up a plan of action for them by setting waypoints and actions, then testing your plan to see where they’ll end up after five seconds, then committing your plan. At the same time, your opponent is also doing this, and when both of you have committed your plans, the outcome is shown, and it may not be what you had anticipated.

The cool thing about it, though, is that you don’t both have to be online to play. It’s essentially play-by-email, with the game sending a message to your opponent when you’ve taken your turn and it’s time to check out the carnage. This means that you can have a whole bunch of games on the go at the same time, and be able to rattle through them all in a matter of minutes. It’s a great idea, and it’s awesome to see this kind of idea work in a setting other than a game with With Friends in the title.

Best of all, the game plays well and it’s not even finished yet. The final product promises a single-player campaign mode, puzzle mode and all manner of other goodies. Those who are keen to support the game can pre-order and play the beta version right now, though, and you get a free copy to give to a friend, too. Which is nice.

Even better than that, the game is 30% off until Christmas. So if you’re the slightest bit interested in the unusual concept—and it genuinely does work really rather well—I’d encourage you to support the hard-working three-man team that is Mode 7 and pre-order a copy now.

If you do, be sure to send me a challenge. I cordially invite you to the turn-based bloodbath.

#oneaday, Day 334: That Seems A Bit Expensive

Those who doubt the value of the iOS platforms as serious gaming devices should take a look at some of the stuff that’s come out recently. The iPhone and iPod touch are becoming gaming powerhouses, and not just for portable versions of timewasters like Bejeweled Blitz and Farmville.

No, in just the last couple of weeks, we’ve seen some spectacular games show up. Epic’s Infinity Blade, for example, provides spectacular graphics and a cool update on, of all things, Punch-Out!! Trendy Entertainment’s Dungeon Defenders gives us an interesting multiplayer twist on both the action RPG and tower defense genres, despite being a little bit too ambitious for its own good on the small iPhone screen. (Stick with it past the tutorial, though; once you’re done with the screen-filling tutorial text, the interface is still a little bit cluttered, but less burdensome). Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light provides the same experience as the console and PC versions—complete with co-op. And Aralon is pretty much Oblivion in your pocket.

Stop and think about those for a minute. Those are all pretty fucking impressive games to run on a phone. Things get even more impressive when you look at the prices for each—the most expensive of those mentioned is Aralon, which is three English pounds and ninety-nine pence. Compare and contrast with Oblivion, which launched at £40 on consoles.

The thing is, though, the App Store and its customers appear to operate in some sort of weird parallel economy. Aralon‘s predecessor, Ravensword, sells for 59p and offers a pretty thorough RPG experience. And yet there are reviewers who say that they have “wasted their money” because it didn’t have one feature they thought it should have in it.

Seriously. These people need to get a little perspective. 59p for 20-30 hours of entertainment is pretty outstanding value whichever way you slice it. £3.99 for the same amount of gameplay is still pretty fucking amazing value. There are games that are considerably technically inferior to these games we’re getting on iOS devices now selling for £20-35 on the Nintendo DS. Ace Attorney on the iPhone is a tenth of the price it is on the Nintendo DS, and it’s the same game. Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light is 1200 Microsoft Points on XBLA, whatever that means. It’s 4 quid on the App Store. And again, it’s the same game—except it actually shipped with co-op built in.

iOS gamers, you’ve never had it so good. At some point, developers will figure out that they’re vastly undercharging people for these awesome games, and prices will rise. So stop bitching and make the most of these incredible experiences while they’re still the price of a coffee in Starbucks.

#oneaday, Day 333: Internet Games #1: The TwitPic Game

You’re sitting in front of your computer right now. You’re either working, or bored, or wondering what on Earth you should do with yourself. You probably wouldn’t be reading this otherwise.

So today, I present to you a simple and fun game which you can play whenever you’ve read the whole Internet and are at a loss for what to do next. It’s a simple game, and there’s no real “winning” as such. But it can be played solo, or as a social game with the aid of additional participants on Facebook, Twitter or the social network of your choice. You can even play local multiplayer with people in the same room, either hotseating on one computer, or with a collection of different computers.

The game is very straightforward to play. The image-sharing website “TwitPic” is used to share images on Twitter. The URL format for TwitPic is http://twitpic.com/stringoflettersandnumbersgoeshere. You can probably guess the rest, but for those of you who haven’t cottoned on yet, simply replace “stringoflettersandnumbersgoeshere” with a code of your choice (keep it no more than 5 letters or numbers in most cases) and then see what out-of-context images you can discover.

Here’s some samples from a quick go today:

http://twitpic.com/spack comes up with this delightful image of someone’s dinner. The plastic tray and plastic cutlery seem somewhat at odds with the battered shrimp, corn and unidentifiable green shit in the corner.

http://twitpic.com/felch comes up with this image, with the caption “THIS. My cousin is me all over”, worryingly, though as the astute commenter beneath the picture observes, there is no actual felching in the picture.

http://twitpic.com/crunk displays this disappointingly dull image of someone on their way to Charlotte for training. Unless Charlotte is a person, in which case the implied “training” which will be going on can take on an altogether more interesting meaning.

http://twitpic.com/arse gives us more food. People really love to show each other what they’re eating on Twitter, it seems. It appears that one of the stereotypes about Twitter users is true.

http://twitpic.com/butts gives us a sleeping man. Why is he asleep? No-one knows. But the cameraperson is certainly very close to this sleeping man. Sleeping man also appears to not be wearing a shirt and have slightly flabby shoulders.

And finally, http://twitpic.com/dirty gives us a collection of jazz music, thereby confirming something we’ve all known for a very long time: the fact that jazz music is dirty. The internet has proved it.

This game also works with a variety of other sites, including imgur, yfrog and numerous others. For the truly brave, you could also try it with URL shorteners such as bit.ly and tinyurl. There’s no telling where you might end up with those, and so that, dear friends, is a game we shall save for another day.

Found any awesome TwitPic URLs yourself? Do let me know. That’s what them thar comments are for.

#oneaday, Day 332: Fire The Canon… He’s Not Pulling His Weight

What are those games you have to play?

The answer, of course, is none at all, but there are plenty of people out there who believe that you can’t call yourself a “true gamer” (whatever that means) unless you’ve played this game or that game. And for sure, at one point that was true, simply because the volume of games being released was such that it was easy enough to keep up to speed on at least all the big releases, if not absolutely everything that was available.

Nowadays, though, gaming is such big business that it’s impossible to keep up with triple-A releases, let alone delve into the increasingly-awesome pool of independent and/or smaller titles out there.

Rather than this being a frustrating thing, though, this is a very positive sign. Speak to someone who’s a film snob and they will probably turn their nose up at the prospect of a Michael Bay film, yet there are plenty of people out there who go and watch various childhood-raping movies that ensure you can never look at Transformers in quite the same way ever again.

And it’s the same with gaming. There is no one set “canon” of games that you absolutely must play. I’ve come around to this idea, having had it first mooted by my good buddy and fine, upstanding gentleman Calin. There are games that are important to the history of gaming, sure. But they’re not things that everyone has to play. If everyone plays all of the stuff from history that is supposedly “important”, they’ll never get to anything from today. It’s a balancing act.

What I’ve been wondering is if it’s possible for someone who is a full-on gaming enthusiast to spend their time playing nothing but non-triple A titles. Surely there are enough indie and “cheap-fu” titles out there now to enable someone to have an enjoyable experience without having to spend $60 a time for the privilege? And yes, I’m using dollars to illustrate my point because I’m in the States. When in Rome and all that.

This approach isn’t for every gamer, just like watching only foreign and/or arthouse movies isn’t for everyone who purports to “like movies”. I love ASCII-based roguelike Angband, for example, and have sent any number of heroic @-signs to their death now, but I don’t expect everyone to find that sort of experience palatable. I can certainly play that game and find it enjoyable, however, and there are times when I’d pick playing that over something like, say, Halo. I’d certainly always pick it over Call of Duty.

But there are people who feel the opposite too. And it’s pretty cool that we’ve reached a stage where we can say that about the gaming industry. The only difficulty that comes with this territory is the fact that the gaming press is not able to cover everything that is out there, meaning some spectacular stuff can get completely overlooked, or sell poorly, or be unfairly judged.

This is where word of mouth comes in. You found something awesome you think friends might enjoy too? Tell them. Don’t keep it to yourself. I know that I’ve convinced at least a few people to play Recettear: An Item Shop’s Tale since I started banging on about it a few weeks back, and I’m sure there are others out there who might be interested in trying other things I’ve mentioned. Similarly, my obsession with Persona 3 and 4 can be entirely attributed to a blog post my friend Mark wrote extolling the virtues of Persona 3, a post which was enough to make me think “I have to play this game.”

We’re in an age of active involvement and active socialisation. The gaming press still certainly has a place—I should hope so, anyway, since I’m involved in it—but there’s just as much importance, if not more, on word-of-mouth recommendations and discussion.

Think about the last game you played. Was it something you played because reviews were good? Because people were talking about it? Or something you took a chance on and then felt like telling everyone how good/bad it was?

In my case, the last two games I played (Recettear and DEADLY PREMONITION) were the latter two. I took a chance on Recettear and adored it. And I couldn’t not play DEADLY PREMONITION after hearing some of my closest friends discussing it in appropriately reverent tones. I actually can’t remember the last time I bought a game purely on the strength of a review.

#oneaday, Day 331: Like A Ro-ogue, Killed For The Very First Time

Horatio Spankington was one of several children to a Serf, and a credit to his family. He had brown eyes, curly red hair and a dark complexion, lending him a somewhat distinctive look that his father often joked would probably “end him up in some freak show somewhere”.

He joined the ranks of the Paladins at an early age, and by the time he was 18 he had determined that it was time to go dungeon-delving. He rented a room in a small village above a notorious dungeon, and prepared for the long quest ahead.

One morning, he awoke, and his God spoke to him, granting him the power to detect evil things. Rushing straight for the stairs down into the dungeon, he was eager to try out his new power. Concentrating as hard as he could, he prayed fervently for sight beyond sight, to see where the evil things dwelled.

The effort caused him to faint out cold for a few minutes. When he awoke, all was as it was before, though he wasn’t in a hurry to ask his God for anything else for a little while.

He pulled out the makeshift weapons and armour that he had acquired, and lit his torch. He looked around.

“What a boring place,” he thought.

He looked around the room he found himself in and found a curious scrap of paper on the floor. It read “pro redam.”

“Pro redam,” he said out loud. Suddenly, he felt more knowledgeable, and figured that he could probably figure out exactly what the next thing he looked at was, whatever it might turn out to be. He stowed the magic scroll in his pack and headed for a tunnel in the wall nearest to him.

The tunnel was quite long, and went around several twisting corners, but eventually led him to a long, narrow room. There was a curious smell in the room. He gazed around, looking for the source of the stench and eventually found it in the form of a patch of grey mould. Figuring that he may as well cleanse the dungeon of filth as well as evil, he strode boldly toward the grey mould, broadsword in hand.

The mould let out a cloud of spores, which tickled his nose and made him sneeze. Undeterred, he whacked the patch of mould with the flat of his sword, dispersing it.

He looked around the room. There was nothing of interest here, save several tunnels in the walls. He chose one and strode valiantly into it.

After a couple of twists and turns, he came to a closed door. Trying the handle, he found it to be unlocked, so he opened it carefully and peered into the room beyond. He couldn’t see anything in there, so he stepped through the archway and took a look around.

The room was pretty dark, so he walked along the walls, using the light from his torch to get his bearings. His first impressions were correct; there was little of note here. In fact, the room was more of a wide corridor, with two tunnels leading off in different directions at one side, and another closed door at the other.

He tried the handle on the door, and found it to be locked. Pulling out a safety pin he always kept for emergencies such as this, he inserted it into the lock and fumbled around inexpertly and to his surprise, succeeded in opening the door. He stepped through the doorway cautiously, unsure what he might find beyond.

The corridor beyond the door extended for a short distance and turned a few corners before opening up into a large, light room. This, too, was empty of interesting details, but there were tunnels leading off in a number of directions, along with another door in one wall.

Figuring that the doors hadn’t steered him wrong yet, he headed for the door and tried the handle. It was locked, but again he tried his safety-pin trick and to his surprise, it worked.

Beyond the door was a long, twisting and turning corridor that seemed to go on forever. Eventually, it opened up into a long, thin room, and there was that terrible smell again. Another patch of mould sat waiting for him. Feeling bold, he charged for it.

Suddenly, an acrid black smoke filled his nostrils and stung his eyes. He tried to brush it away, but he couldn’t. He tried to blink his eyes clear, but he couldn’t see anything. The smoke was too thick. He staggered around blindly, setting off the trap several more times, stinging his eyes more and more each time.

The stench of the mould was getting stronger and stronger. He flailed wildly at the mould, trying to destroy it, but he felt the spores blow up his nose, into his throat, filling his lungs. He began to feel sick.

Something crawled on him. It felt blubbering and icky, and he heard a chewing sound. He still couldn’t see, and the foul smell and darkness were confusing him.

He felt weak. Finally, coughing up blood and vomit, he barged head-first into a granite wall, collapsed onto his back and whimpered.

Horatio Spankington died just 50 feet below the surface of the earth. Few people mourned his passing, least of all the family of the drooling village idiot he claimed to have “accidentally” killed upon leaving a shop one morning.

The dungeon lay unconquered still. Many had come to tackle its dangers. None had survived so far.

Try it for yourself if you can stomach a bit of hardcore ASCII dungeon-crawling. Download Angband here.

#oneaday, Day 330: On Death And Videogames

Kids today, huh? Don’t know they’re born. Want everything on a plate. In my day, we died by touching a piece of wall that was the wrong colour. And then we had to start all over again!

I am, of course, referring to the changing face of failure in video games. Failure happens these days, particularly in shooters, but nowhere near as much as it used to. And certainly the penalties are far less harsh than they used to be. In days of yore, you ran out of lives, that was it. A few years later, we started to see the arcade-style “credits” system in our home games. Later still, we had games in which you could continue indefinitely. And today, we have games in which it is almost impossible to fail because of the abundance of checkpoints, regenerating health and the like.

I picked up the Sly Cooper Collection for PS3 this week, and I’ve been playing through Sly Cooper 1. I was a little surprised to discover that it is a pretty punishing game. Our hero doesn’t have a health bar and dies at the faintest hint of water, spiky things, fire or dogs with giant hammers. This was initially frustrating, but it was a simple matter to readjust to the way we did things in 2002. It was also marginally less frustrating in the fact that this was the era of unlimited continues, making the use of “lives” almost irrelevant.

I say “almost”, because running out of lives does send you back to the start of the level instead of your last checkpoint, so there is incentive to take a bit more care. But it’s not frustrating, particularly as the game is designed so well that any screw-ups are usually the player’s fault, not the game’s.

It got me thinking, though. The Sly Cooper Collection is bringing this style of gameplay to a whole generation reared on regenerating health—heroes who can simply hide behind a pillar until they wipe all the jam off their eyeballs—and is a very different approach to what people might be used to. While many modern games encourage experimentation and exploration, Sly Cooper punishes stupid moves by killing you immediately. This has the side-effect of keeping the player on track and discouraging them from going too off-piste or attempting to “break” the game (or, heaven forbid, encouraging those assholes who use the word “glitch” as a verb) but I can imagine it would be frustrating to “modern” gamers.

I understand the later Sly Cooper games do have a health bar, suggesting that the latter years of the PS2 may have started gamers’ shifting towards being the pussies they are today.

Yeah, you heard me. Pussies. You don’t know pain until you’ve got to the last level of Castlevania only to lose all your lives and have to start all over a-fucking-gain.

The nearest to this experience we have these days is in the humble roguelike, which has the decency to delete your save game once you die. Better not get too attached to that awesome set of armour you found, because this might happen:

And no-one likes to die by stumbling drunkenly into a wall, having had a blubbering icky thing crawling on them and brown mold spores spurting up their nose.

#oneaday, Day 329: Be A Dick Mode

With the increasing mechanical complexity and narrative ambitiousness of many modern games, it’s easy to forget the purity of how gaming used to be. Just a player, a joystick, and an arbitrary number representing how “good” the player was at the game. In other words, the score.

Games with scores aren’t dead, though. Far from it. And in this age of global communication thanks to the Internet, one could argue that games with scores are more relevant than they’ve ever been.

The reason for this? The hidden option that you won’t find on any game’s menu. The mode that allows you to compete against your friends and mercilessly taunt them when you prove yourself—with numbers—to be objectively better than them.

I am talking, of course, about Be A Dick Mode.

Be A Dick Mode crops up in many game, though it’s not just any game with a score and leaderboards that it works with. Shatter on PSN and Steam, for example, is not an example of a game featuring a Be A Dick Mode, despite being in possession of leaderboards and scores which frequently extend into the hundreds of millions. Geometry Wars 2, conversely, has Be A Dick Mode in spades. After Burner Climax? No dick action there. Pac-Man Championship Edition DX? Dickishness in spades.

There are few games with a more powerful, potent Be A Dick Mode than Adult Swim’s seminal two-button masterpiece Robot Unicorn Attack, however. It was bad enough when the game was first released on Adult Swim’s website. Twitter became awash with screenshots of everyone’s latest and greatest high scores.

But now, they’ve gone and embraced Be A Dick Mode with open, err, arms.

How have they done this, you may ask. Simple: put it on Facebook.

For all Facebook’s faults, privacy concerns and stupid, stupid UI redesigns, the one thing that it is magnificent at is promoting friendly (and not-so-friendly) competition between diverse friends across the globe. The ability for Facebook applications to access your name, profile picture and activity in applications you have in common with your friends was a masterstroke, privacy concerns aside. There’s nothing better than looking at a leaderboard filled with the real names and photographs (or avatars) of your friends and seeing yourself at the top of it.

And there’s nothing worse than seeing yourself in second place, with first place tantalisingly out of reach. There’s nothing worse than knowing that the next time you log onto Twitter, there will be an @mention in your direction inviting you to check out Facebook and suggesting you might want to play some Robot Unicorn Attack instead of whatever it was you were planning on doing.

And then you play Robot Unicorn Attack. And you fail to beat your friend. And then you play it again. And some more. And then you get annoyed, so you go and play Bejeweled Blitz instead, but then you realise that someone else has pipped you to the top of the scoreboard on that too, so you go back to Robot Unicorn Attack and play it until that Erasure song has burnt itself into your memory and you can’t see a field of horses without wanting to sing and fart rainbows at them.

In short, Be A Dick Mode will ruin your life and the lives of your friends. But you know you wouldn’t have it any other way.